Original subtitles

Leave? You can't leave!

I have a million things I have to do today ...

But Peter I can't thank you enough for helping us put a quick end to the strike.

These damn unionists, they just make my blood boil.

I really appreciate you burning the midnight oil to put a stop to it.

The Tribune couldn't have continued publishing without your counsel.

It was my pleasure, Hal.

Well, if there is anything I can ever do for you, please let me know.

You bet. It was good to see you.

Peter! Finally I get through to you.

- Congratulations on your ... - Thanks! Excuse me.

- Uh, there's someone that I want you to meet. - Sure!

- Hi! - Hi!

- You enjoying the party? - Yes, thanks for inviting me.

This is Larry Jenkins. Larry's a very dear friend of mine.

We went to school together in Boston. He's a publisher.

Now, Alan's dad was in the marines with Hal.

And now Alan works for Hal over at The Tribune.

I am an intern actually.

Just graduated from UCLA and is writing his first book.

And Hal tells me he's a very talented writer.

Well ... send it on over to me when you're finished.

I'd love to read it. Here you go.

- Thank you. - Uhuh.

Listen. I gotta get on my way. Great party, buddy!

Thanks!

Uhm, why don't you stick around for a while after everyone else's left.

We can discuss your future.

I-I-I have to give Hal a ride home and I still have some writing to do.

Well it's simple...

You just come back here after all that.

Cause that's when the real party starts anyway.

I-I don't think I can.

I insist.

Ok, thanks.

♪ Bang A Gong (Get It On) ♪

Hello?

Oh! When the chicken is away, the rooster will play, hmm?

Look, uh ... "Greg Brady,"

Next time you want to steal everyone's trick,

why don't you go home first and rethink the outfit, ok?

Uh ... I was just leaving.

Ok, Ok! Why don't you get to the morgue and check your boyfriend back in, alright?

Oh!

Merv!

This, unfortunately, is my roommate Michael,

who sometimes makes the first impression that shows him for who he truly is.

Cute!

Mervin, don't be upset.

Generally he is a cool guy, but he gets a little obnoxious when he's been drinking ...

or eating or talking.

He's the first friend I made when I moved here a year ago

- I'm Tommy, by the way. - Alan.

And what's your connection here?

I met Peter through the LA Tribune.

In the personal ads?

No, he just negotiated a quick end to a major strike for us

and he invited my boss

and a bunch of others over to celebrate earlier. And then he invited me back here ... tonight.

So you're a writer?

Yeah.

What do you write?

I'm working on my first book.

- What's it about? - Ironically enough ...

Haha ...

the homosexual lifestyle through the ages.

The homosexual lifestyle only has two ages: a young and 29.

Ahahaha!

Actually I work with a group who's goal is to change people's negative view on gays.

My goal is my biggest challenge.

Ha!

You know, I'd love to interview you sometime.

Hmm! That's a new one.

Come here.

Uhm ... I--I should get going.

See ya!

- Hello - Can I speak with Tommy, please?

- Yeah, who's this? - This is Alan Oakley from last night.

- Oh! Oh, hey! - I was just checking to see if you'd like to have dinner tonight?

- Uh, sure! What time?

[KNOCKING]

Hi, you must be Tommy?

Alan has told me so much about you! Come in, please.

For me?

How sweet!

Aww!

Uh, who are you?

Oh, I'm Beverly.

Tommy, hey!

Sorry! Sorry!

Right on time, too!

- Don't get used to it. - So you met Beverly.

We've done our introductions.

So Alan tells me that you are homosexual.

Beverly!

Only cause there's nothing good on television.

I just find it so intriguing!

Uh, not always. Liberace, for example.

Ahahaha!

Liberace is a homosexual?

Sadly, yes.

Uhm ... let me take this, thank you. I'm gonna check on dinner.

Why don't we get to know each other a little better, hmm?

So what was it like growing up in San Francisco?

I'm from Texas.

Are you from the Valley?

You are so good!

[GIGGLES]

I--I'm confused.

Oh, I know sweetie. It's probably because you had a very dominating mother.

So, what do you two have planned for the menu tonight? A menage a trois?

Oh, no!

Alan hates French food.

Are you for real?

Excuse me?

I--I said ... uhm ... are--are you a Leo?

You know, I-I should be honest. I really don't know that many homosexuals ...

Except Giorgio ... my hairdresser. Oh, he is so good!

Do ... do you do hair?

Well, not so much other people's. I do mine.

- I loved it. - Thanks.

Oh, and Maurice, my interior decorator ...

He does all kinds of ... you know?

Do you know him?

Uhm, limp wrists, slight lisp and a flair for colors?

That's him!

Ooh!

Let's bond ...

I'll get my candles, and bells, and we'll chant.

That would be great ... yeah ...

So, you and Beverly getting to know one another?

Uh, yeah, I'm--I'm getting to know her.

Just don't get her started on her guru, you'll be on her knees before you know it.

You wish ...

Huh?

Uh, is she your ...

Shandi awaits us.

Oh, honey, dinner's ready.

Aww ...

So what are you two like, a couple?

Oh, no! No ...

He is my lover.

Isn't he dreamy?

I think I need to smoke some pot!

Oh, that sounds great!

You don't smoke pot, Beverly.

No, we've never smoke but the gods smoke pot ...

our American Indians smoke pot.

It brings us closer to our inner ... uhm ...

... unconsciousness.

- And Shandi would have approved. - You're so good!

No, I don't smoke pot.

Come on, it's just like smoking a cigarette.

I don't smoke cigarettes.

Honestly, Alan, you are such a slave to reality.

Go ahead, it's no big deal...

if you are worried about a political career, just don't inhale.

[SIGHS]

So when did you decide you wanted to be a writer?

Uhm ... it's always been my dream since I was a child.

When did you first realize you were gay?

Well, it has always been my dream since I was a child.

Ever since I was a child, I always...

So does your family know that you're doing gay rights work?

No, they're old time dunk me if you got 'em Baptist but, uh, they knew it's something that I believe in ...

and they are behind me.

The only thing that I ever have behind me was my father's boot.

"Get a job, get married, join the military."

"Visit exotic locations, meet interesting people and kill them!"

There is nothing worse than a military father.

Y--Y--You, you always have guns around the house when I was growing up.

One day when I was 13, I picked one up and it accidentally went off.

I killed Patton.

Patton?

Our parrot.

[COUGHS]

I'll never forget Patton's last words...

"Polly wants a casket?"

I get these variations of shakes everytime I get near gun.

I can't even look at one without hearing "Rawwwk!"

Sweetie, you never told me that!

- So where are you from originally? - Seguin, Texas.

W--Why come to Los Angeles to change people's views about gays?

It seems like Texas needs it more than LA.

Well, I tried to group together in college

but the only place they were willing to stand together was the library men's room.

I spent a lot of time in the library men's room, too.

When did you have your first gay encounter?

Hmm ...

8th grade, January 12, 1968,

3:45 pm. It was a Friday.

That's very precise.

It was very precise.

Something weird is going on here.

What, is this supposed to be a date or something?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I thought it was.

What?

He's teasing you, honey.

No. I don't think he was.

Now I know why you didn't want me here in the first place.

Well, because this is for my book.

I'm going home to chant for you, Alan.

Beverly, wait!

Wait a minute, I forgot something: Cocksucker!

Was that an insult?

You are so cool!

- Sorry, I don't mean to ... - No! It's okay.

We met a few months back at the Young Republicans Club

and I thought she was normal

Then I don't know where she became this candle burning, chanting Buddhist.

You met her in Hitler Youth camp and you thought she was normal?

What in God's name were you doing there in the first place?

I'm a Republican.

You're kidding, right?

If I am, it's not very funny is it?

I'm, I'm completely lost.

Why would a straight Republican ...

write a book about homosexuality?

To provide an objective source material that doesn't indulge in proselytizing.

You're so stoned.

I am not.

Come in!

You want a shotgun?

A what?

Come here, open your mouth.

You should ... I think you should probably go...

Yeah, yeah, Ok.

I'm sorry. I, uh ...

Hey, sweetie!

How's your big night? I won't ask you how big, how many times ...

Does he has a twin brother? God, I won't ask, I have my pride.

Oh, forget it, it was a disaster.

- What's the matter? Is he bottom too? - Worst.

- Is he straight? - Yeah, but even worse.

Oh my God! What can be worse than straight?

He is Republican.

He's a straight Republican!

Do you know any other kinds?

I--I'm sorry honey, but when he first opened his mouth, Judy Garlands first fell out!

Oh, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't ....

realize ... It's tough break.

God, how I wish they made cards for moments like these.

You want a massage?

Thanks you but no. I have to get to a rally.

Have fun!

♪ Ain't Nobody Straight in L.A. ♪

Remind me again what it is we're doing here?

We're acting as a counterbalance to the extreme conservative power base of the straight patriarchal so--

It's a great way to meet guys. That's what it is.

Exactly. There comes one now.

- What's this? - It's a petition recalling Nixon.

Nixon's innocent, man!

I know! Can you believe they sat me at a table next to this freaking lunatic.

What?

Here sign mine. It's in support of Nixon.

Okay, now that I can sign?

What's your friends problem anyway?

uh, you know how these communists can get ...

when they've been in their bread line too long.

Could you put your home phone number down there too?

Keep it up.

Hey with you behind me... no problem!

- Alan! - Tommy! Hey!

Hey! What's it been? A month?

Uh, aren't you supposed to be in a Brooks Brothers closet somewhere?

Aren't you suppose to be in the bushes stretching your ankle somewhere?

Actually I was - with this guy.

"555"...

That's not a prefix! Son of a bitch!

Sir!

So what are you doing here?

I-I jog here every morning.

- Getting many signatures? - Not really.

Hah! Nixon's won. Ahaha!

Do you have plans tonight?

Or maybe you're busy bringing down the government?

No! No, I'm not too busy. Why?

Well, it's Saturday and I used to spend them with Beverly until you scared her away. So ...

I scared her away?

Yeah.

And you'd like to thank me with ... dinner?

Sure!

Alright!

I can't remember the last time I had that much fun.

You're a Republican, you never had that much fun.

I don't know. Some of those upper people can get really rowdy.

- Is this my plant? - Yeah!

What happened? You know you're supposed to talk to it twice a day ...

Hi, plant.

Hi, plant.

Aww!

Well, I'm pretty wrecked, so I'm gonna stubble home.

No! Why don't you stay the night.

- Are you sure? - Yeah!

I can take the couch.

No. You don't have to do that.

I don't?

That couch is a torture device for unwelcome relatives.

You sleep in my bed ...

- You sure? - Sure I'm sure.

Alright.

I'll take the couch, I'm used to it.

Ok ... good night.

What are you doing?

The--The couch was worse than I remembered.

I'll take the couch.

Good morning!

Oh, I get breakfast too?

Usually all I get is a phoney name and number.

Ahah! Last night was a blast, thanks!

Yeah, I had a good time too.

Well, you need to cool the charge zone ...

I need to save some of my brain cells for retirement.

So what are you doing tonight?

I can't see you again.

Here!

Oh, you're supposed to catch that.

I said I can't see you again.

Why?

Because I have feelings for you.

I think you know that.

But you climbed into bed with me anyway.

Come on!

"Dude, I was so drunk I don't remember a thing."

"Man I'm real horny right now, I wish my girlfriend was here."

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know damn well what I'm talking about.

I don't want you to be with me because of some drunken encounter.

Well, I'm not a fag like you, ok?

Well, I'm so happy for you.

[DOOR SLAMMING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- Hello!

- Tommy?

Look, he doesn't want to talk to you.

Why don't you get out the white page and call someone else?

[TYPEWRITER CLANKING]

The American Psychiatric Association classifies homosexuality as a mental illness.

I need your signatures to change that!

Homosexuality is not a mental illness.

You should be ashamed!

You should be ashamed of that outfit!

Homosexuality is not a mental illness, sir.

Please brother! [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

Walk nice!

Can I just talk to him for a second, please?

Listen, I put a restraining order on a guy who didn't call half this much.

Faggot!

Alan, it's a potential two-book deal, how could you resist?

I don't know. I just don't feel good about it anymore.

The best thing is to get it out of your hands and and out of your mind.

You sign right here and then we're done.

I've known Larry for a long time.

Trust me, your book is in best of hands.

I guess your right.

Thanks for putting a good word for me with Governor Reagan.

I think it's gonna be a good article.

Well, listen,

If there's ever anything I can do for you, just give me a call.

Thank you, you've been a good friend.

[ KNOCKING]

Oh, excuse me.

What part of "fuck off, drop-dead, go to hell, you're not getting a Christmas card" do you not understand, huh?

Why do you keep calling me?

I do not want to see you or hear from you again!

I think I'll be going.

- Tommy, what a surprise to see you here! - I'll talk to you later, Alan.

What do you want?

I can't stop thinking about what happened.

I just want to apologize for the way I treated you.

- I ... I finished my book. Peter's ... - I don't give a fuck about the book!

What ... do you ... want?

I wanna say I'm sorry.

Absolution granted, go with with God. We're done.

- Wait! - What?

I wanted to tell you that ...

I-I ...

- Did you take the little bus to school? - Spit it out! Say it!

I'm out of here!

I'll let you get back to crying over Spiro Agnew's resignation.

That's not gonna happen...

Cause I hate you.

Now, fuck off!

Dude I was so drunk, I don't remember a thing.

Shut up.

Hey, Alan, it's me. Call me baby.

It's Dylan again. The guy keeps asking ...

Larry Jenkins.

Uh, Larry, this is Alan Oakley.

Well, hey, I was just, uhm, getting ready to call you.

I want to talk to you about the book.

Yeah, Alan, I needed to talk to you too. Listen, it's a great book

but the timing ... it is all wrong.

I don't think that this is the good time to release it.

Oh, that is great. Oh my God, this is so great.

Ah, this is going better than I expected.

Yeah, listen, I'll give you a call when the next one is finished?

I look forward to that.

Ok, see you!

Hey!

Who was that?

Uh, it's my publisher. They're not gonna publish my book.

Oh! I'm sorry! I know how much that meant to you.

Ah, it's no big deal.

What are you talking about?

I didn't care for it that much anyway.

Look you worked so hard on it.

I don't understand how you can dismiss it so easily?

Am I missing something?

Well, can I read it now?

I'd like to just forget about it.

Ok ...

This will cheer you up.

Uh, it's not my kind of read.

Read? Damn, you are new with this.

Well why don't you teach me something.

Okay ... lesson 1...

No ... stop!

I won't ...

- I'm coming! - Not yet, not yet!

Come on Alan, don't keep your mother waiting!

You better move on. Open up in there, boy!

Good morning!

You still in bed, mister?

It's 0900! Damn, that must be nice.

What, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Vegas?

You father wasn't winning so we decided to leave early.

We thought we'd see you before we drove back in San Diego.

Now, isn't the best time.

We only came over to see you. God! You know I hate this city.

Can I just ... I'll give you a call later?

Don't be ridiculous.

Get up, get up! My mom and dad are here!

Oh great! I can't wait to meet them.

Are you crazy? No way!

They'll freak if they saw you!

My! I didn't know I look that bad in the morning?

Come on!

- What do you want me to do? - Just hide in the closet!

You'll bury me in a crawlspace before I get in a closet.

I'm an only child.

My parents expect twenty grandkids! They cannot see you!

I'm guessing your parents can't see a lot of things.

I'm sick of being your dirty little secret.

We never go out. I never met any of your friends. You don't want me answering the phone.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

Uhm ... this is my friend Tommy.

He stayed the night last night because...

He got kicked out of his apartment.

Your mom's not stupid. She can see what's going on here.

My roommate had out-of-town guests. Things got a little bit too crowded so Alan let me crashed here.

Yeah ...

And I told him:

I can take the couch. But Alan being the righteous guy that he is,

said: No, no! You go ahead take the bed, I'll take the couch.

Well, that was sweet of you.

Anyway, don't worry about the coffee. I've got a pot going.

I'll let you two get dress.

I liked the hat.

Dress!

H-how was Vegas?

Vegas is full of drunks, partying and gambling till dawn.

That's we first met actually. The good old days!

I was a dancer at the Pink Flamingo and Ted was on leave from the marines

He was so cute in his uniform.

You were a dancer in Vegas, that's so cool!

Did you ever meet Ann Margret?

No, but I wore her pantyhose. The girls and I were doing a tribute to Elvis ...

Mary!

So how do the two of you know each other?

Uhm ... the Young Republicans Club.

Me, I just love Dick.

It has so much sugar.

Nixon's a fine man.

Glad to see young minds supporting the team.

although he's a little too liberal on some issues.

All in all, he's a fine man.

So Alan, do you have something you want to tell us?

Uhm, I don't think so.

Might I be reading some new item soon?

I can explain it.

I think you should.

I think you owe your mother an explanation.

It was a ...

Your father wants to know when your book is coming out.

Oh! T-t-the book?

Uhm ... I--I haven't heard back from them yet, so ...

You haven't heard?

Well get your ass in gear!

- Ted! - I mean, make some calls!

Use, you know, knock down ... Use some initiative for once!

Ted, we need to be getting home. Your father doesn't want to miss Kojak.

Who loves you, baby?

Well, you two have a safe trip back.

Yeah, and keep us posted for a change, huh.

It was nice meeting you, Tommy.

It was nice meeting you.

Oh! Your magazine was getting wet, so I put it on the side of the couch for you.

I think they liked me.

Oh my God!

And what's the deal with your book?

I thought you said your publisher didn't like it.

I only told them that so they'll stay off my back.

I can't believe you left your porno magazine, now my mother saw it!

Well, I wasn't the one who got it wet...

You little shit!

Closet case.

Little shit!

Closet case.

Haha!

♪ Shambala ♪

Wait, slow down you guys! Wait! Ahhh!

Why did you invite him?

I'm cramping. I'm going back to the car.

Unbelievable!

So, how about taking that road trip to Mexico that we've been talking about, huh?

I mean, we haven't taken a vacation in the four years that we've been together.

Mexico? You know I hate road trips. Why don't we fly there instead.

If we fly there, it's not the same thing. I mean ...

it's about bonding on the road, just the two of us.

Oh no! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Heeey!

Hey, Alan!

- Are you okay? - Hi!

Jeez! It's been a long time, huh?

Beverly, wow! Uhm ... it's been forever! I hardly recognized you. You changed so much.

And there's something different about you, too!

Well we got rid of the sweater vest. Your outfit is amazing!

Oh, thanks! I'm getting in shape for an at home workout video I'm doing.

At home workout video? What's that?

Imagine doing your workout at home instead of at the gym ...

You just pop the cassette in your machine and follow the instructor.

Isn't that just the coolest idea?

Well, okay, it was good seeing you.

Yeah, you too.

Look, you should stop by our apartment for dinner sometime.

Our apartment? You guys are living together?

Yeah, yeah! For the last four years.

I knew it.

You're too good a cook to be straight!

Just not chanting, Ok?

Oh, that was just a phase...

... I was going through.

I'm with the church of Scientology now.

They opened up a whole a new world for me.

It sounds interesting.

- It is! - W-w-we need to...

Look! I got to run too. But uh ... same number?

- Yeah! - Good! I'll give you a call. Bye!

Great, thanks a lot.

Where's Michael?

Excuse me.

Awwww! That hurt, you motherfucker!

Drop the candy and step away from the little boys.

Oh, please! Finish yourself off. That was not funny!

You guys, wait!

I used to date Alan

but on some level, I always knew he was gay.

Oh, no, I loved it. Took him so long to come!

Oh, I get that a lot seriously. But I am more of a relationship-oriented.

Definitely not a slut.

I'm gonna go refill this.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE] that's at the bottom of the back page ...

Oh, excuse me.

Larry, what are you doing here?

I been trying to get a hold of you for weeks. I've got some good news.

Considering what's happening down in Florida, I think we found the perfect time to release your book.

Larry, I don't want anything to do with that book.

That was a long time ago and I don't believe in that anymore.

Certainly I don't want my name attached to something like that.

- Alan, your making a big mistake. - No. It was good seeing you.

Quite the turnout! You're popular.

They're mostly Tommy's friends.

Thanks again for doing this for us.

It's my pleasure. Oh, before I forget...

Here are the house keys to the place. And I thank you for housesitting for me.

It's not a problem. Tommy and I are looking forward to it.

Where's the little bomb thrower anyway.

Who knows? He's probably signing autographs and blowing kisses, I guess ...

You two look like you gotten along pretty well after 4 years.

It's easier to live together now that Carter is in the White House.

Interesting, isn't it?

How drastically our lives can change under the influence of just one person.

What do you mean?

I mean you should be running The Tribune by now.

Don't you want to have ...

Excuse me. Has anybody seen my boyfriend? I think I lost him.

Oh! W-what does he look like?

Well ... he's handsome, smart, successful, lovable ...

handsome.

Hmm ... why would you let someone like that out of your sight?

Well, in case I find someone better.

Oh, shit!

- Where are you taking me? - It's a secret.

Secret, huh?

Yeah! Do you like secrets?

Have a sit.

Close your eyes.

Don't be funny. Close your eyes and turn around.

No peeking.

Ok. Happy anniversary!

- "Tits and Ass"... I think you're backsliding. - No, it's our initials!

I know. Thank you. I love it.

One more thing...

A picture of an Oldsmobile?

Too pretentious to buy me a picture of a Volkswagen?

Haha! It is also yours and arrives next week.

You're kidding?

It's yours!

- We can't afford this. - Yes we can. I've been saving.

No! No, no! I can't accept this.

You have no choice! It's bought and paid for, and there are no refunds.

Look, it's for both of us.

No.

Yes.

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- No! - Yes!

- Yes ... - Ahahaha

That was easy.

Do you have any idea how much I love you?

Why don't you show me.

How could you do this to me?

Alan, you signed a contract with me 4 years ago. This was all perfectly legal.

The timing was just too perfect to let it pass and I didn't attach your name to it.

So what are you worried about? You got a bestselling book, young man!

[HANGS UP]

Well, listen to this: "The citizens of Dade County, Florida voted by a margin of 2-1 ..."

"to repeal an ordinance that prohibits discrimination against homosexuals."

"Prior to this vote, singer Anita Bryant had raised a significant public outcry ..."

"... against the ordinance which has received national attention."

"Following the overturning of the law, Bryant said: ..."

"With God's help, we will prevail in our fight to repeal similar laws throughout the nation."

It's that damn book "The Straight Truth" and Anita Bryant that our gonna be our biggest problems.

I don't know. I'm meeting with David Mixner tonight to discuss damage control.

Right. I'll see you there.

Why don't you just tell him the truth?

Tell him I wrote the nation's number one hate book? I can't do that.

Well, I suppose the whole thing might blow over and no one will ever know that it was you.

But don't you think it's better to be honest?

Can't you get Larry to pull the books off the shelves?

You got to face up to this, Alan.

You're right.

Just talk to him. He'll understand.

I hope so. Thanks.

Where is it?

There it is.

Gonna wish me luck?

Uhm, I need to tell you something.

What?

What is it?

Knock 'em dead.

Thanks! See you tonight.

The Anita Bryant-led effort to rescind equal rights for gay people in Florida ...

... has spread nationally.

We're sitting here with Tommy Ballenger of Out Loud, a group he founded ...

in order to prevent the Bryant crusade from taking root in California.

Mr. Ballenger,

What does Out Loud plan to do about all of the anti-gay rights bills being passed around the country?

Well, I think the best thing that Out Loud can do is to educate everyone about diversity.

The people fear what they don't understand.

Have you read the book "The Straight Truth"?

It was obviously written by the Christian right in an attempt to make us look bad.

Why do you think it was published anonymously?

Any final words?

Yes, yes. Thank you.

I'd like to make a deal with the Anita Bryant people.

If you stop telling lies about us, we'll stop telling the truth about you.

You may have heard that there was an incident during a pre-concert meeting with reporters.

And this is what happened:

"We brought a crusade across the nation and try to do away with the homosexuals"

"Then certainly we could done on June 8 after one of the most overwhelming victories in the country."

"Uhm ... uh, but we didn't ... we ... we tried to avoid it and went into a place called Norfolk, Virginia"

"And we're met with protests"

"and uh, all kinds of problems ... and uh ... uh ...

"Security! Security!"

- No, no! Let him stay. - No. Well at least it's a fruit pie.

Yes, I would like to give you the name of the author of "The Straight Truth"...

and I wished to remain anonymous.

Mr. Ballenger, it's been revealed that the author of the book "The Straight Truth" is Alan Oakley,

a man you been living with the past four years.

Would you care to comment on these allegations?

Was this a plan to make money out of the controversy Anita Bryant has caused?

Was this a hoax designed to look like a right-wing attack ...

in order to garner sympathy for your cause?

Give us the straight truth, Mr. Ballenger: Is Alan Oakley actually your lover?

Oh come one! People wanted to know the truth!

Listen. You Farrah Fawcett major asshole! If you don't haul your twack out of here

I swear to God, I'm shoving that microphone so far up ...

Oh!

Uh! The hair is all wrong, honey!

Cut!

There isn't a newspaper in the country, except maybe a gossip rag ...

that would employ a journalist who's the subject of more news than he writes.

It--it wasn't supposed to be published.

A real journalist would never write anything that can't be published!

A real writer takes responsibility for his words!

Even your father agrees with me on this.

You have created...

an environment of anarchy around here.

We have protestors outside in front of the building!

The phones they are ringing off the hook with death threats!

I have no choice, Alan, but to let you go.

Is there anything you want to say?

I'm sorry.

[SOBS]

♪ Destination Unknown ♪

Excuse me ...

Excuse me ...

Honey, he'll be out in a minute.

Hello? Out Loud, how may I help you?

Yes, Mr. Oakley will be speaking in the annual dinner.

No, he is not single but I am.

No, I'm no lesbian!

Even though one night, I had a lot of tequila, and me and my friend ...

You know, I can understand two guys doing it ...

because there's something to grab hold of down there.

Two girls? I mean ... you got something to sink your teeth into, right?

Oh my God! You're not a dyke, are you?

Oh, no.

Oh.

"I assume there is one department you've been waiting for me to mention."

"The Department of Defense."

"It's the only department in our entire program ..."

"that will actually be increased over the present budgeted figure."

"[CLAPPING]"

Well, better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt.

The only president never to give bad news to the American people.

Oh, they're Republicans. What do you expect?

It's like communicating with the Germans. You don't mention the war.

If I remember correctly, you used to be one of those Republicans.

If I remember correctly, you used to be a slut!

I love your suit.

It's so Crystal Carrington.

Like I am really sweet but I'll scratch your eyes out!

Thanks. Your outfit is dazzling.

Oh, this? My office-slut look?

I work for shock value. Just so people know they're still alive.

Just the man I was looking for!

Only if I were straight, I know, I know! What are you doing here?

I come to see my handsome friend. Sit down.

What's up?

A phone number and address in Mexico. Let me guess ...

My dream man will be there.

Beverly I know you are excited of this idea of psychics on infomercials ...

... but let me be the first to tell you, it won't catch on.

It's Tommy's address and phone number.

Come on!

You're making things right with the gay community, make thing right with him too!

He hates me.

You're the only one who hates you.

I can't. I have ... I have to prepare for my speech ...

and I think Peter's planning something for my birthday.

He's sick, Alan.

Michael asked me to tell you. He thought it would be easier coming from me.

He's going to his parents' house the day after tomorrow and he wants to see you before he leaves.

No, I can't.

I have to get home.

Home to what?

Alan!

Mary! Hi, it's Beverly.

Look, we need to help your son.

Oh! So you are a dyke!

I have an idea.

Alright sister!

You coming to bed?

In a minute.

That damn construction crew ...

they won't be finished putting up the new gates until Tuesday.

I wanted them to finish before my parents come tomorrow!

- Your parents are coming tomorrow? - Yeah ...

so you have to move all your stuff into one of the spare rooms while they're here.

Oh, I got you a new suit to wear. It's hanging in your closet.

I'm going to bed. Good night.

[SNORING]

What is this?

It's the keys to my BMW. It's all yours. I'm buying a new one.

Stop with the gifts, Ok?

I'm perfectly happy with my car.

Alan, it's a Honda. How can you be happy with that?

We are not doing that great, are we?

What, are you kidding? I'm never been better!

- The firm has only lost one case this year ... - I'm talking about us, Peter!

We've grown apart.

I'll take you to Cabo as soon as I get some time.

I don't think that's the answer to our problem.

Ha!

I can't believe this second-rate law firm is getting so much work.

Hi, plant!

Dad, you two should take a trip to China...

for your 60th anniversary.

- What? - China, dad!

I don't care what we eat

Just don't let that woman of yours cook any more of that damn roast!

This is Peter, not Martin.

Peter isn't married. Remember, George.

Why aren't you married?

Because he's too busy with work. He doesn't have time to date.

Oh, Alan, we haven't seen your lady friend that Peter has been telling us that much.

We'll she's too busy with work.

Which she's got President Reagan to thank for that!

Oh, we have President Reagan to thank for a lot of things.

I'll get it.

He's a nice young man.

Surprise!

- What is this? - Happy birthday!

This is not a good time.

What's that dreary music?

I've been in elevators with better music than this.

It's your birthday so ...

we decided to come over and party.

Mwah!

Oh that's B.S.! We're here for the free liquor.

Your mother is single and ready to party.

Mom!

This is how we used to do it for the after hour show at Caesar's Palace.

You go, Mama!

Peter's parents are here!

Wheel them out, then!

Let's do this at another time, please?

I can't believe invited them and not us!

You are a bad boy.

Yeah, go to your room, now.

Guys ...

We got to talk!

Mom, do not touch a thing ...

I thought Peter might appreciate it.

If Peter needed a hooker.

Oh, come on! I might a little extra cash on my way home.

What's up?

Why haven't you called your mother?

You do realize your parents just got divorced.

Yeah, well, she looks she's fine to me.

Your real birthday present.

I thought you might need a little vacation.

- I told you, I can't. - Your plane leaves in 3 hours.

You'll make it to Mexico and enough time to sip on a margarita ...

and catch that flight with Tommy to Texas.

- I can't go. - Why?

Because Peter wouldn't like that.

"Peter wouldn't like that."

Beverly!

Alan! Peter wouldn't like even if I sat on his face and grind it!

Come on! Jump off his nip ... for a change!

He took me when no one else would, Ok?

He's a little baby He's Peter's boobooboo ...

I said I can't go.

Grow up and be a man. Keep it! You might change your mind!

What is that racket?

Sounds like a bunch of colors!

I will go and see what is going on.

- Is he working? - He's not budging.

The night's still young!

Come on. Not tonight.

Come on, join us!

Don't be such a square. He's just like his father.

I didn't raise him like that.

[ CRASHING SOUND]

I hope that wasn't expensive!

It was!

I told them they couldn't stay.

I can't believe you invited

your parents for his birthday but not us.

It's your birthday?

Well then, I came just in time.

What's for dinner, anyway?

- We don't have enough. - Oh, knowing you, you have more than you need.

Why do you keep looking at your watch?

That was a terrific meal.

You know how to cook, Alan.

Thanks.

Wine! Yes, please.

I'll have another.

Could you be anymore of an alcoholic?

Well, I'll give it a shot,

but I'm not making any promises.

Are you ready for your big speech tomorrow night?

Oh! How exciting!

Practice on us!

- So, dad, how was your golf game ... - He's giving a speech ...

on Reagan's neglect of the health crisis.

You should be proud, Peter.

Could we not make this dinner table conversation tonight?

Where is Alan's father?

Probably screwing some young tramp.

I should have left him years ago ...

but he was just so good in bed!

Some days I can barely walk.

No one here is interested in that.

Lower your voice!

We are not hard of hearing.

Well, you could at least take some interest in my son's well-being!

I respect all of Alan's interests,

I just don't like having them shoved down my throat!

That's the first time I heard you complained about my son shoving anything down your throat.

I'm not quite sure how to take that ...

Hmm ... said the altar boy to the bishop.

You're way out of line.

First you come into my house ...

- Your house? - ... uninvited ...

Oh, I forgot. You live alone.

Don't do this.

Don't make the same mistakes...

I made with your father.

I love you and I support you ...

But I can't sit here and watch you destroy your life.

If you leave right now, you'll make it in time.

In time for what? He's not going anywhere.

This dinner is over. I want everyone out of here now!

You don't have to shout.

- Let's go, George. - You don't have to shout.

Take your cane.

Did we say something wrong?

I hope you enjoyed embarrassing me. What are you doing?

I'm leaving you.

Is there some problem I'm not aware off?

No, there is a problem you've been ignoring.

We don't belong together, Peter.

Let's discuss this tomorrow.

Peter, I am leaving you and I am not coming back.

Where are you gonna go?

I'm going to see Tommy.

Tommy who?

Tommy Ballenger.

What?

You want to spend your life with him on--on picket lines,

throwing condoms in churches and screaming about how dire everything is?

Why do you think I saved you from that in the first place?

How did you save me?

If I hadn't pushed Larry to get your book published ...

that's the life that you would be leading right now.

- You got that book published? - Of course, I did!

You fucking asshole!

You had the opportunity for success. And what did you do?

You threw it all away. You wasted your life.

That book destroyed my life!

What turned you into this monster?

I didn't change, you did.

Now put the bags down and get back upstairs.

Hmm ...

What happened to my gate opener?

I have it.

Could you open it for me?

Alan, it's cold out here. Now will you come on?

Then go somewhere warmer like to hell. I got a plane to catch.

Peter, dammit! For the last time, open the gates!

Did the party moved out here?

Could you talk some sense into your son?

Hey son! I'm supposed to talk some sense into you.

Mom, I need to get out of here.

Makes sense to me.

Take care of yourself and give my love to Tommy.

- What's all the ruckus out here? - It's okay, Dad.

Will you open those gates?

You are not helping the situation.

Where is he going?

He's getting the hell out of here!

What brook's place is everyone's yelling for?

Will you open that gate?

It's time for you to go home.

Aww! What are you doing?

Let him out!

C'mon. Give me that!

No! That's my grandmother's!

Laid it herself, I bet!

Don't make me kick your ass!

Oh no, not that.

Get off me you, old geezer!

Enough!

Behave yourselves!

[SCREECHING TIRES]

Noooo!

♪ A Horse With No Name ♪

Your guide to the great state of Texas has arrived.

I didn't think you'd make it.

I figured I need a tan ... so why not?

It's that our old car?

Yeah.

She still run?

She sorta jogs, but she'll get you there.

Well, we should ... we should get going.

What's this?

That's the plant you gave me when we first met.

You're kidding? It's gotten so big!

I talk to it twice a day.

I can't believe you kept it alive.

So, how have you been?

Great. Things couldn't be better. Uhm ... uhm ...

Airline?

Texas Premiere Air, please.

What were you going to say?

Are you up to this?

- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi!

Here's our passports, we have tickets on the 1 pm flight to San Antonio.

What's wrong with him?

Bad hair day. Thanks for your concern.

It looks a little more serious than that.

Ok, bad lung day.

We like our boarding passes, please.

Names are Tommy Ballenger and Alan Oakley.

I'm sorry sir, I can board you but not him.

I am not gonna leave him behind!

It's company policy. Your friend is obviously ill...

and we can't risk him infecting our passengers. It's not safe.

We're not planning to pilot the plane,

we thought we just sit quietly at coach.

Can you get me your supervisor, please? Or maybe a human being, if you got one back there.

My supervisor...

... will tell you the same thing. Now I have other passengers. Next!

Get me your supervisor.

Now!

Don't you talk to me that way.

Stay away from the counter before I have you removed. Next please!

- Let's just go. She has the upper hand. - No! Not as far as I'm concern.

Listen you stupid, air mattress!

Get me your supervisor now ...

or you're going to be flying above 30,000 feet when I shove this up your ass!

My, my, my! Aren't we the little potty mouth?

My, my, my! Aren't we the little bitch!

This is Louise from the counter of the Texas Premiere.

I have a very aggressive passenger and I need security here immediately.

Finally we are making some progress.

I don't think having security called on us is progress.

What? You, you bitch! Texas Premier shit! Bitch!

You fuck what--let me get my plant.

You fucking bitch! Little more eye shadow next time, huh!

She's lucky the the security guards showed up when she did.

You know, you developed quite the potty mouth.

Are you writing children's books now?

Yeah, Little Red Riding Bitch.

Little Red Riding Puta.

So tell me, how are we going to get to Texas?

We can take that road trip you always wanted to take.

Do you have a map?

Yeah.

- Whoa, wha-what are you doing with a gun? - It's not loaded.

Would you ... will you get rid of it?

What do you want me to do? Throw it in the side of the road for some kid to pick up?

You know I hate guns.

You don't travel around rural Mexico without protection.

Well, then just put in the glove box, I don't want to see it again!

Ok.

See? It's all tucked away.

Thank you.

You know, I can't--I can't read this.

What's to figure out? You go North.

Peter was good to me after you left.

I stayed for the first year at his guest room and just ...

and just happened.

The last two years were not ...

I didn't know I was that boring ...

One room for the night, please.

25 dollars.

Just give him this.

Sorry

We do not accept credit cards.

We don't accept cards in these parts.

He said that nobody around here accepts credit cards.

All I have are 20 dollars in pesos.

Well, I didn't bring any cash. All I have is credit cards.

I thought we were going by plane. Can you just ask him if 20 dollars if okay?

20 dollars, please?

It's a difference of 5 bucks!

Okay, okay, let's just go! Let's just go.

That fucker!

What--What's wrong? What's wrong?

[SCREECHING TIRES]

Be right back.

Operator?

- Can you, can you connect me to United States? - I don't understand you.

United ... America? California?

D--Do you speak English? Can you connect me to someone who speaks English?

[IN SPANISH] I don't speak English.

- Califor-- - [IN SPANISH] I do not speak English. - Fuck!

Look who's finally awake!

Oh, we're almost out of gas, we have no money for food.

I can't do anything right, can I?

What are you talking about?

You're the smartest, sweetest guy I ever met.

Why do you think I was with you all those years?

Yeah, until that book was published.

I read it, by the way.

Despite what I think of the subject matter, it was well-written.

- You read it? - Yeah.

I tried to stop it but it was Peter who got it published behind my back.

Through all of it, I never stopped loving you.

Thanks. I really needed to hear that.

You know, I don't know that much about writing,

but I do know one thing ...

You have to write from your heart and not your head.

When I was reading the book, I kept thinking ...

"This isn't Alan!" "Alan ... Alan doesn't talk like this."

I'm gonna get you to a doctor in the morning.

Shh. Don't say it.

Sorry for putting you through this.

I'm just happy to be with you again.

I should get some sleep.

I'm really tired.

Hey! What are you doing?

That's our stuff!

[Speaks in Spanish]

[Speaks in Spanish]. He's got a gun hidden in the back of his pants. Go get it.

I'm not going near him.

Go!

No, I hate guns! I am not going near it or him!

Ok, then you come here and get the gun and hold it on him ...

and I'll go get his gun.

I'm still handling a gun!

Then let's just take him back to Texas with us.

Okay, I'll do!

You're so peremptory!

What?

Excuse me.

- [Speaks in Spanish]-- - Sorry, I just need to get...

Here ...

Get down on the ground!

- Not you, him! - Sorry.

Lay down and kiss the dirt!

Him or me?

My God! I'm talking to him.

Why are you saying it in English? He doesn't know English.

And, uh, h--how am I supposed to know, huh?

You know I liked you much better before when you didn't talk so much.

What do you expect when someone is pointing a gun like a madman?

Madman? Who said--

Shut up!

I could have handled the situation without pointing a gun.

[Speaks in Spanish] On the floor, now!

Go grab our bags.

Now, fill up the tank!

- Yeah, you! - Always the smart ass!

That's why you like me.

Shit!

Can you tell him we're really sorry? I'll send him a check for the gas.

What are you talking about?

I feel bad for doing this.

Why? He was stealing from us!

So he obviously needed the money.

You really have became a heartbleeding liberal, haven't you?

Go inside and get the money from the cash register.

Woah! Sundance would sure have a problem with that ...

We need the money.

You can send him a check and a big bunch of hope-you-are-not-mad balloons later.

I'm not gonna commit armed robbery!

Ok. If you don't move ... right now, I'm going to shoot you.

What!

Now I'm the one committing armed robbery!

You're--You're crazy!

Here.

Hold on a second...

What--What are you doing?

I thought you said it was empty!

Now it is.

Why are you pulling over?

Give me that gun.

Give. me. the gun!

What's your problem? That was fun.

Don't ever pull a stunt like that again!

I saved your ass back there!

I can't be doing shit like that, ok?

Okay, well, let's just go back and apologize to him, Mr. Do-gooder.

- Just cause you can't stand up for yourself-- - I never should have come down here.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

Just a little out of practice with robbing gas stations.

Thanks for saving my ass.

For that ass? Anytime!

Let me see where we at.

We're less than a day from the border.

We gonna be there by morning.

I really sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it at all.

You can make it up to me.

How?

You remember that time I was depressed cause I lost my job,

and what you did to cheer me up?

- No ... - Come on. Summer of '75 ...

Yeah, I remember.

- No! No way! - Come on, please!

- No! - It would really meant a lot to me.

- Here? - We haven't seen a car in hours.

You can't be serious!

[FAKES A COUGH]

Ahahaha!

♪ Jump (For My Love) ♪

Oh! I'm never listening to you again!

That made me feel better.

Ahahahaha!

I'm so happy for you.

Little shit!

Oh, shit!

[WAILING SIRENS]

[Speaks in Spanish]

Get your hands up!

Get out of the car ... slowly.

Tommy, get out of the car.

I won't tell you again!

- Look we didn't do anything! - Shut up! Put your hands on the hood!

Where's your gun?

- We don't--We don't have a gun. - Don't lie to me!

You robbed my brother's station. You had a gun, no?

We threw it away.

What makes you think you can come into our country and steal from us, huh?

He was stealing from us!

Get up!

I don't like liars!

- Leave him alone! - Shut up!

He needs to see his doctor in Texas.

He won't need a doctor when I'm through with him!

Looks as though your friend has left you, huh?

Don't worry, he won't get far.

That's what you did to my brother's car.

That's for making me come out here.

Hey!

You picked the wrong day to mess with me!

♪ Cover Me ♪

I died and gone to gay heaven.

I want some "disco lights."

[WAILING SIRENS]

Hey, wake up sleepyhead! We're almost there.

Nahahahaha! Not when I'm driving.

C'mon, we're gonna be there in less than an hour.

Hey!

Tommy?

C'mon! It's not funny.

Tommy!

Come on!

Please wake up! Please wake up!

You can't die when you I just got you back.

Come on, please, please!

I never even got the chance to tell you how much I love you!

Hi!

Thank you.

- Hey there! - Hi!

This is the best love story I ever read!

Thank you!

You really made my coming out so much easier.

Oh, it means a lot. Thank you!