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1
00:00:00,280 --> 00:00:00,640
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
then the helicopter will crash.
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,639
Anyone watching, thinking
we know fuck all about
3
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:08,639
knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their back...
4
00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:11,759
So you've had your Labour
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,519
sending prices sky-high,
6
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:18,039
literally, literally taking
the grass from its own roots!
7
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,239
Now you've got your condemnation,
8
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:23,639
Liberals noshing Tories like
altar boys picking dimps up!
9
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:27,479
Have we had a national
fucking stroke... or what?
10
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,319
Is revolution a word
or was it never?
11
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:33,879
Anybody watching needs to know,
12
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,319
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,599
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,519
and they charge us for water?!
15
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:48,719
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.
16
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:52,519
This green and pleasant land
in ancient times!
17
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,480
Yak, yak, yak, yak,
yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:54,481 --> 00:00:57,799
It's not theirs any more.
19
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,239
This is our England now.
20
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:01,959
Paaaarty!
21
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:13,799
I always felt I was different,
I never believed that I fitted in.
22
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:16,679
Life is... ordinary,
but I was special.
23
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,959
I used to think, "I'm not
a part of this, I can't be.
24
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,920
"I must be adopted!"
25
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,639
My real mum and dad were film stars.
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:31,319
Yeah, and they couldn't look after
me because of their careers and that,
27
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:32,360
but one day... one day...
28
00:01:32,361 --> 00:01:34,399
Fish and chips!
29
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,919
They'll come back for me.
30
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:38,279
My real parents will tip
up in a fuck-off limo
31
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,639
and whisk me off
to a better life...
32
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:45,159
Excuse me, mister, I really want
to do magic. Can you teach me?
33
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,399
And then I learnt...
34
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,480
Fuck off, kid.
35
00:01:48,481 --> 00:01:51,519
That there's no such thing
as magic or the Tooth Fairy
36
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:53,079
or Father Christmas.
37
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:56,279
It's like flying pigs,
they don't exist.
38
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,759
We just have to make
do with what we've got.
39
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,439
Come on, it's good for you.
40
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,199
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
41
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,759
then Mr Cuddles' banana brains will
get splattered all over the wall!
42
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,999
I know how you feel. I can't
do a thing with this today.
43
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,719
It's flat as a gymnast's chest!
44
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:13,960
Helicopter!
45
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:20,599
Look, if you don't eat it, right,
then the helicopter will crash.
46
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:21,720
Let 'em die.
47
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:26,680
Is there a brew going, or what?
48
00:02:26,681 --> 00:02:28,200
Yeah, in the kettle.
49
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,440
That's mine!
50
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,278
Got your name in it?
51
00:02:33,279 --> 00:02:34,040
Yeah, it has!
52
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:36,319
Is that porridge? No,
53
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,679
it's a kebab
54
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,119
She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops,
with a bit of sugar on.
55
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,079
Is that what you feed her?
56
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,599
It's no wonder she won't touch it,
57
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,319
she's holding out for a sugar fix.
That stuff will rot her teeth.
58
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,198
They're only her baby ones,
she'll get a new set.
59
00:02:52,199 --> 00:02:53,160
If she gets older!
60
00:02:53,161 --> 00:02:56,559
The shit you're pumping into her!
You're not fit to be a parent.
61
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:57,440
What, and you are?
62
00:02:57,441 --> 00:02:59,799
Well, I'm more qualified
than you are!
63
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:00,878
Who's the daddy... I'm
the fucking daddy!
64
00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,118
Who's the daddy?!
65
00:03:02,119 --> 00:03:03,038
Where's your fucking tool?
66
00:03:03,039 --> 00:03:04,560
You're a fucking tool!
67
00:03:04,561 --> 00:03:06,880
Pack it in!
68
00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,360
It's not about you, or about
how good you are, it's about her!
69
00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,320
Smaller spoon.
70
00:03:17,321 --> 00:03:20,119
It's like when you're
feeding a poorly snake,
71
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,120
y'know, you chop up the mice
with the scissors.
72
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,479
Right, you set of lazy bastards!
73
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:27,680
Morning.
74
00:03:27,681 --> 00:03:29,919
I've got piles of bills here
falling out me arse
75
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,239
and what are you lot doing about it?
76
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,999
Fuck all!
77
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,559
I need every single one
of you worthless shites
78
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,719
to start pulling
in some serious money!
79
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,079
Today!
80
00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,638
I'm out there grafting already.
81
00:03:43,639 --> 00:03:46,000
Thought we were going to town?
Get a new trackie?
82
00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:48,519
I've got a golden shower
booked in at ten.
83
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,760
I've got me community service.
84
00:03:49,761 --> 00:03:52,759
Prancing about in tights
in't community service.
85
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:53,518
Yer what?
86
00:03:53,519 --> 00:03:55,518
I picked up needles
and shit when I did it.
87
00:03:55,519 --> 00:03:56,960
Him? Doing drama, plays and that.
88
00:03:56,961 --> 00:04:00,479
Maybe the magistrate saw
something in me.
89
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,239
What, like big fucking gayness?
90
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:05,920
You're not me dad!
91
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,439
So I reckon the magistrate
was knocked out by me.
92
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,559
Saw that I had a bit
of something about me.
93
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,560
Bastard, you bastard,
you fucking bastard.
94
00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:19,079
Cos I've done loads of acting, me.
95
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:20,640
See how you like that!
96
00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:22,079
I was the Inn Keeper.
97
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:26,519
Well, I played an opportunistic
businessman in a historical drama.
98
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:27,599
- huh.
99
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,079
And we made a film, Taxi Driver,
it was fucking mint.
100
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:33,559
I mean it was mint. Soz.
101
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,039
I just really want to make
a success out of this,
102
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:40,079
I think I'm turning
a corner, you know.
103
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,319
Yeah, if I can just get this
sentence out of the way...
104
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:44,520
Bastard!
105
00:04:44,521 --> 00:04:46,159
Good news?
106
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,360
It's my ex,
107
00:04:47,361 --> 00:04:49,439
ran off with my best friend!
108
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,039
You really missing her?
109
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,439
I'll get his knees done if you want?
110
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,119
Get him put in a wheelchair
and that...
111
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,199
Joke!
112
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,999
No, I know what it's like to
be in an abusive relationship.
113
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,880
Me step-dad nicks
my clothes, right.
114
00:05:04,881 --> 00:05:08,200
He's using one of my t-shirts
to sleep in!
115
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,399
And he hits me,
I mean, like, proper hits me.
116
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,760
He's cracked a few
of me ribs and that.
117
00:05:15,761 --> 00:05:17,800
In here.
118
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:33,079
I think there's been a mistake.
119
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:35,120
You shouldn't have called
the magistrate a "fucking mong".
120
00:05:35,121 --> 00:05:36,519
He was a fucking mong.
121
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,639
He'd had a stroke.
122
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,320
And?
123
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,160
Dropped down dead
from a brain tumour.
124
00:05:49,161 --> 00:05:51,679
Age? 57.
125
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,599
Here's another good one.
126
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:58,119
Father of two, 47,
knocked down by a bus, 47.
127
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:00,039
Morbid old crones.
128
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,159
They make Goth Dave look like
a children's television presenter.
129
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,759
Two halves of cider, one with black.
130
00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,360
That's the one with black.
131
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,840
Can I have some cash
for the pool table?
132
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,120
Cheers.
133
00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:21,799
He acts like a child,
but then again he is, isn't he?
134
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,758
Shouldn't you get him
a lemonade too?
135
00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:25,560
Or does the sugar make him hyper?
136
00:06:25,561 --> 00:06:27,839
Careful what you say now.
137
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,039
There are children about
138
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,520
and we don't want them picking up
any bad language now, do we?
139
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:35,600
Mummy?
140
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:39,558
Can I have a bag of crisps, please?
141
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:48,200
You need to man-up!
142
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,479
"That, my... dear young friend,
143
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,679
"is the... theory
144
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,159
"that the corrupt French...
145
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,920
"drama has been propounding..."
146
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,840
Aw, you've been smoking!
147
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,999
This will be a million
times better than
148
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,798
the shit you're inhaling
there, brother.
149
00:07:18,799 --> 00:07:20,040
It's Salford Skunk.
150
00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:22,039
Shop local, like it.
151
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,718
Thai Stick.
152
00:07:23,719 --> 00:07:25,640
Pure quality.
153
00:07:25,641 --> 00:07:29,919
I'm autistic so it focuses
me mind and it's good for...
154
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,840
concentration.
155
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,039
D'you like it here?
156
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:40,239
S'all right, usually a bit better
when we haven't got The Thrush.
157
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,359
Irritating twat.
158
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:46,439
And to be honest, I prefer
numbers to words, me, anyway.
159
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:47,960
For example...
160
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,879
from here, I can see...
161
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:54,519
80 trees, 72 yellow lines,
162
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,719
412 railings,
163
00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,999
17 traffic lights, 12 satellite
dishes, 3 cameras, 64 windows,
164
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,120
24 cars, and two dead pigeons.
165
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,079
You know all that
just by looking at them?
166
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,639
The other thing I like is...
167
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:10,359
Never mind that!
168
00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,878
D'ya fancy going
to a casino one night?
169
00:08:11,879 --> 00:08:13,840
The other thing I like is women.
170
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,599
I want to shag a woman.
171
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,639
I bet you've shagged loads of women.
172
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,000
What's it like?
173
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,240
Messy.
174
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:24,959
Anyway, fuck that!
175
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,999
Look... d'ya want to come to
the casino one night with me?
176
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,719
Put in some serious money?
177
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,200
Get me a woman to shag
and I'll come to the casino.
178
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:48,319
The community service dickheads
proudly present...
179
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,439
Litter Pick on the M60.
180
00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:54,439
We're a cutting-edge group, right,
with important things to say.
181
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,759
So have I.
182
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:57,239
Get a fuckin' job!
183
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,879
I'll show ya.
184
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:01,959
Show me.
185
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,759
You think I'm a joke,
you think I'm worth fuck all.
186
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:09,600
It's not just me, Mickey. It's
pretty much across the board, mate.
187
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,159
Kel...
188
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,560
Fancy making a million quid for Mam?
189
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,959
Boom!
190
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,200
What the fuck are you playing at?
191
00:09:21,201 --> 00:09:22,759
Duh!
192
00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,678
You'll be wearing that internally.
193
00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:26,560
I've got a list of jobs
as long as me arse,
194
00:09:26,561 --> 00:09:28,399
and you piss off out of here!
195
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,079
I was manning up, like you wanted.
196
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,039
Leave you at home doing the jobs,
and me come here, like a man.
197
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,879
You tell 'er, kid.
198
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,199
It's not how it works ...
not in my house.
199
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,879
Your list of jobs.
200
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,759
It's about time you proved
yourself to be a man...
201
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,038
my man ... all right?!
202
00:09:45,039 --> 00:09:46,120
Winner stays on!
203
00:09:46,121 --> 00:09:47,679
Now!
204
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,160
Ha-ha-ha!
205
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,599
As for your conduct
towards Miss Cardew,
206
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,639
I must say that your...
207
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:04,359
simple, innocent girl like that...
208
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:05,680
Do you like this?
209
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:08,839
Excuse me. Chatting away
while people are working
210
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,118
is hugely disrespectful.
211
00:10:11,481 --> 00:10:13,799
You got something to say?
212
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,759
Why are they doing this?
213
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,200
Did they choose it?
214
00:10:17,201 --> 00:10:19,879
No disrespect or 'owt, but...
215
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,759
I don't understand it. By the
looks of it, neither do this lot.
216
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,839
I'm sick and tired of men
telling me what's what.
217
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,599
Time and time again, they think
they know best, and they know
218
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,799
f... jack all!
219
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,679
You, Michael Maguire,
have yourself a one-way ticket
220
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,639
right out of here, direct to prison.
221
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,239
Do not pass go and
do not collect £200!
222
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,078
Wait!
223
00:10:44,079 --> 00:10:46,398
I'm telling the courts
you're in breach of your order.
224
00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:47,880
All right, I'm sorry...
225
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:51,239
Contributed nothing,
except negativity,
226
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,919
whipping them up into a frenzy!
227
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,439
There won't be a revolution here!
228
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:57,759
Please!
229
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,159
Not on my watch!
230
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,480
Miss? Miss, wait!
231
00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,279
She pushed me!
232
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:16,080
She fell.
233
00:11:16,081 --> 00:11:17,160
Pushed.
234
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,760
Please! Let me out!
235
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:31,519
Success.
236
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,199
I picked up the child allowance
from the post office,
237
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,879
went to court, paid the fines,
238
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:39,359
dropped the wash off
and did the shop.
239
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,360
Who's this?
240
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,759
It's the same pram!
241
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,999
Flat-out asleep.
242
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,040
Cilla or Latifah?
243
00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:01,159
Cilla.
244
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,279
Look, I've proved I can do stuff,
245
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,479
shown I can sort problems ...
I've manned up.
246
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,240
But can you think for yourself?
247
00:12:07,241 --> 00:12:10,759
I don't know what you want me to say.
Yeah! Yeah, I can think for myself.
248
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:11,680
And pigs won't fly.
249
00:12:11,681 --> 00:12:12,679
I can!
250
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:14,879
Prove it.
251
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,120
We've got to find 500 quid
before midnight.
252
00:12:17,121 --> 00:12:18,399
Have we?
253
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,719
It's a hypothetical case.
254
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,159
Right.
255
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,158
So where are you
going to get it from?
256
00:12:24,159 --> 00:12:25,120
The bank?
257
00:12:25,121 --> 00:12:27,118
You haven't got a bank account.
258
00:12:27,119 --> 00:12:28,200
Hypothetical bank?
259
00:12:28,201 --> 00:12:30,559
For fuck's sake, Mickey!
260
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,439
Billy.
261
00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,679
You can't get it from the bank,
not from any of our stashes,
262
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:38,519
sell anything or hurt anybody.
263
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:43,039
So where are you going
to get 500 quid from... tonight?
264
00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:44,120
Think.
265
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,319
My mum used to work in this office.
266
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:56,399
It had a box of petty cash...
267
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:57,560
500 quid's worth?
268
00:12:57,561 --> 00:12:59,640
More like a grand.
269
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,200
I don't have to get it, do I?
270
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:23,359
I like lemonade and sara-cong...
271
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:26,479
Come on, please.
272
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,759
She fancies you.
273
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,479
But I fancy her, right?
274
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,960
So stay away!
275
00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:35,640
All right.
276
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,840
Hiya.
277
00:13:43,201 --> 00:13:45,199
Right...
278
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,120
Ten-minute fag break.
279
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,559
I know they're a bit different
to how I described 'em...
280
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,959
I'm used to it,
I do different every day.
281
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,080
This is it.
282
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:01,558
Are you Mickey's girlfriend?
283
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:02,680
No!
284
00:14:02,681 --> 00:14:06,360
No, she's just here to help out,
you know, erm, lend a hand.
285
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,080
You can have a brew, then.
286
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,280
Are you all right to use the kettle?
I mean, you're allowed?
287
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:21,440
So, where's this Rain Man who's
going to make us some serious money?
288
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:31,679
What play will we do instead?
289
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,599
It's one I'm writing myself.
290
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,959
It's the story of a poor,
misunderstood genius,
291
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,560
rejected by everyone around him.
292
00:14:39,561 --> 00:14:41,479
He wants to fit in,
293
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,679
he strives for it,
294
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,120
but...
295
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,800
no-one gets him.
296
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,959
You lot know what it's like.
297
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,479
Feeling like you don't fit in?
298
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,039
We do fit in.
299
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,520
But what about when people
call you names and that?
300
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:58,839
Names?
301
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:02,599
Yeah...
Window-lickers, biffs, retards.
302
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:06,719
People don't call me
names like that.
303
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,000
What do they call you, then?
304
00:15:08,001 --> 00:15:09,479
Terry.
305
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,758
What play would you like to do?
306
00:15:13,759 --> 00:15:14,558
Mamma Mia!
307
00:15:14,559 --> 00:15:15,678
Marley & Me!
308
00:15:15,679 --> 00:15:16,640
Avatar!
309
00:15:16,641 --> 00:15:18,399
They're all films, not plays.
310
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,760
Stuart Little?
311
00:15:19,761 --> 00:15:25,159
I saw a play once, it were in
German, think it was about a lesbian
312
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,799
trying to hang a curtain
over a broken window.
313
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,200
Lasted three hours.
It were fucking brilliant.
314
00:15:30,201 --> 00:15:31,679
We're not doing that.
315
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,319
What do you think we should do?
316
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,000
What was the last play you saw?
317
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,440
Nativity?
318
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,239
What d'you have to say that for?
319
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,519
Christmas is ages away!
320
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,759
That was the last play I saw. It was
the last play I was in at school.
321
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,799
I was the innkeeper.
322
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:55,360
Were you any good?
323
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,799
Go on.
324
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:08,119
Go on!
325
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,000
I was...
326
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,040
brilliant.
327
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,840
Just gonna go for a slash.
328
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,960
Whoa! What d'ya want?
What're you doing?!
329
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,600
Not what I want,
what I can give you.
330
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:34,600
The best suck-off you've ever had.
331
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,080
All right...
332
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,759
stud?
333
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:46,880
Wait, listen.
334
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:50,518
Whoa Whoa, you don't want me!
335
00:16:50,519 --> 00:16:52,080
Yeah, I do.
336
00:16:52,081 --> 00:16:53,799
Just get off, will ya!
337
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,280
I don't care if it's little.
338
00:16:56,600 --> 00:17:00,319
It's like a baby's arm
holding an apple, right?
339
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,639
Un-hard. Stop!
340
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:03,840
You want to do it here?
341
00:17:03,841 --> 00:17:05,439
Right now?
342
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,320
Casino first.
343
00:17:06,321 --> 00:17:10,039
Then we'll do whatever you want...
344
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,760
sugar lips.
345
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:18,480
Don't you fancy me?
346
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:20,360
No.
347
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,359
I do.
348
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:28,439
You'd let me suck you off
if you really thought I was pretty.
349
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:29,600
You are pretty!
350
00:17:29,601 --> 00:17:31,120
It's just...
351
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,039
I'm not the right man
for you, Lise.
352
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,160
I'm no good.
353
00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,879
I'm useless.
354
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,120
'Waste of space.
355
00:17:42,121 --> 00:17:43,839
'Lazy, pathetic, pointless.'
356
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,679
Never amount to anything.
357
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,160
What are you for, Mickey?
358
00:17:47,161 --> 00:17:49,360
What the fuck are you for?
359
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:59,599
You need someone that won't let you
down, someone who's dependable.
360
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,240
A real man like...
361
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:04,039
like Terry.
362
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:05,439
Terry?!
363
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:06,959
Big time.
364
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,479
I've seen the way
he looks at you and that.
365
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,679
He'd look after you as well.
366
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:16,239
Y'know, he's a real man, a protector.
367
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:19,879
He'd pick you up,
368
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,320
in his arms.
369
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,720
And everyone would watch
as he carried you...
370
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,039
in his big, strong arms.
371
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,599
With your head leant
against his chest,
372
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,599
his rock-hard ripped and cut chest,
373
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:39,840
pecs like stone,
nipples like wheelnuts.
374
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:43,959
The heat of him,
his breath on your face,
375
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,759
his heart beating
through his solid chest,
376
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,279
as he holds you tight,
377
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:52,840
being held close and tight.
378
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,240
So, you're gay.
379
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,319
Look, wait!
Don't say owt, will you?
380
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,800
Keep it between the two of us?
381
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,640
Your secret's safe with me.
382
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,279
We won't say a word either.
383
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:19,000
I won't, as long as you don't tell
anyone I've got Downs Syndrome.
384
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,160
Deal.
385
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,519
Been years since I did a burglary.
386
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,040
We all used to do it together,
me, Paddy, the kids.
387
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,680
Proper family stuff.
388
00:19:45,681 --> 00:19:47,599
Happy days.
389
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,559
It was always a
bit of a turn-on for me.
390
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:54,800
I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now.
Job first, though. Come on.
391
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:00,879
We all have skills, right?
392
00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,639
I'm great on post codes.
Name a place.
393
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,199
Go on, test me.
Test me!
394
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,599
Chester Zoo?
395
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:08,640
CH2.
396
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,639
Blackpool Pleasure Beach?!
397
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,159
FY4.
398
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,279
Brilliant!
Buckingham Palace?!
399
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,079
Yeah, all right! Fuckin' 'ell!
400
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:19,239
I know every word to Gladiator,
but it won't make us a million.
401
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,919
SW1 1AA.
402
00:20:21,561 --> 00:20:22,879
Sorry.
403
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:26,199
Number boy's skills, however,
are a different kettle of fish.
404
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,479
A kettle of fish?
405
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,559
Limo. Casino.
406
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,039
Let's go to work.
407
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,080
Hit me!
408
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,519
He's fucking useless!
Lost every fucking penny!
409
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,480
He told me he was great with numbers!
410
00:22:11,481 --> 00:22:14,759
0808 157 2020.
411
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:15,880
Pizza delivery!
412
00:22:15,881 --> 00:22:18,279
I'm on about cards, Raymond!
Fucking cards!
413
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,118
You can't even count
to 21, you prick!
414
00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:21,398
Hit me!
415
00:22:21,399 --> 00:22:22,560
Don't tempt me!
416
00:22:22,561 --> 00:22:26,359
What was all that
"400 windows, 70 doors" bollocks?!
417
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,518
Every day I have a smoke
out the back and I...
418
00:22:28,519 --> 00:22:29,758
Count it all.
419
00:22:29,759 --> 00:22:31,320
Stops me getting bored.
420
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:33,560
Can we have sex now?
421
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,319
Unbelievable.
422
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:40,199
I believe there was a
rehearsal here last night.
423
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,839
A rehearsal without
an appropriate leader, I.e. you!
424
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,039
We went to the casino.
425
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:50,959
Well, there won't be any more
rehearsals, not now, not ever.
426
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,199
The building is closed
until further notice.
427
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,679
You can't do that.
428
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,159
Can, and have.
429
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,120
And what's it got to do
with the talking sex doll?
430
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,799
You can't shut the building!
431
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,080
I can and I have.
432
00:23:07,081 --> 00:23:08,960
Health and safety.
433
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:15,399
If Lise continues to insist that
she didn't push me down the stairs,
434
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,519
then I must have slipped
and the building closes
435
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:23,719
until the Health and Safety
Executives have investigated.
436
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:25,840
Thank you! Mum?
437
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,359
And don't forget,
438
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:34,359
no play, no community service!
439
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,720
Bye-bye, outside,
hello, Strangeways.
440
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,959
You've no sense of
a dramatic exit, have you?
441
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:44,920
Brake's stuck, sorry.
442
00:23:44,921 --> 00:23:45,960
Here y'are.
443
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,639
I'd walk away from them if I could,
the play and everything,
444
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,839
if it meant I weren't
walking towards prison.
445
00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,120
Thanks a lot.
446
00:23:59,121 --> 00:24:00,919
No offence,
447
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:05,319
it's just we've got a few rivals
inside at the moment, y'know.
448
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,080
Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me.
449
00:24:07,081 --> 00:24:09,519
I could tell them I pushed her.
450
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:10,398
No.
451
00:24:10,399 --> 00:24:12,200
She'd let us back into the building.
452
00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:13,879
She won't, she's an evil bitch.
453
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:15,118
That must be destroyed!
454
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:16,400
Steady on.
455
00:24:16,401 --> 00:24:17,879
Sorry.
456
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,918
We can find somewhere
else for the play.
457
00:24:19,919 --> 00:24:21,838
And keep Mickey out of Sing Sing.
458
00:24:21,839 --> 00:24:23,080
Where?
459
00:24:23,081 --> 00:24:26,279
You two are all over each other
like a tic on a tramp's vest.
460
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:27,759
What's the secret?
461
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,679
We've discovered
the secret to happiness.
462
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,639
White wine and Night Nurse?
463
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,598
Doing something together
we both enjoy.
464
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:36,758
D'you fancy doing it again?
465
00:24:36,759 --> 00:24:37,800
Tonight?
466
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,238
You know I'm only using the play
as a ruse, right?
467
00:24:43,239 --> 00:24:44,280
Yeah? Yeah.
468
00:24:44,281 --> 00:24:46,479
I'm training 'em up, aren't I?
469
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,519
Think about it.
470
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,319
They'll be
the best drug dealers in the world.
471
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:52,759
Methodical, practical.
472
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,639
They won't use the produce
and the best thing is,
473
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,279
the filth won't suspect them.
474
00:24:57,280 --> 00:24:58,920
Look at 'em.
475
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,279
What the fuck's this?
Attack of the...
476
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,359
Bollocks! You smelly old tramp.
477
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,479
It's time we started
standing up for ourselves.
478
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:11,560
Fucking set of...
479
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,239
Before you say owt,
480
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,599
I know they're going to kill me,
one day.
481
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,240
It's not you I'm worried about,
it's your baby.
482
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,320
Your baby doesn't have a choice.
483
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,879
I'm not pregnant, sweetheart!
484
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,719
Trapped wind
and a little bit of heartburn.
485
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:34,319
Always going to the toilet.
486
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:35,680
You're having a baby.
487
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,879
Great news!
488
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,320
Great news.
489
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,479
Jamie has said that we can rehearse
and put the show on in here,
490
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,879
providing...
491
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,200
you lot run a few errands for him.
492
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,400
£10 each, yeah?
493
00:25:52,401 --> 00:25:54,959
And we'll invite a few heads
from the council,
494
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:56,879
see if we can get a bit of funding
495
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:01,440
and then we can open our very own
centre right here in the Chatsworth!
496
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:05,840
Or somewhere else?
497
00:26:05,841 --> 00:26:08,280
Yeah!
498
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,119
Now come on,
you little band of biffers!
499
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,159
You wanker! Fuck off, wanker!
500
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,200
Cock off!
501
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:23,840
Do you think this is gonna work?
502
00:26:23,841 --> 00:26:25,359
It has to.
503
00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,279
Not just for me freedom,
but also...
504
00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,480
to show those snide fuckers round
here, always taking the piss.
505
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:52,839
Are you sure about this?
506
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,879
Yes!
507
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,919
But in the Bible,
508
00:26:56,920 --> 00:26:59,599
Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
509
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:01,639
It's artistic license.
510
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:05,319
It doesn't say that he didn't
saw anyone in half.
511
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,719
And he was a joiner,
so he'd have had saws and shit,
512
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:11,839
and maybe a bit of curiosity.
513
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,560
Trust me!
514
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:17,840
It's a boy.
515
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,039
I'm not pregnant.
516
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,919
The ring never lies.
517
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,000
It's a boy.
518
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,239
My husband is infertile.
519
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,359
Funny.
520
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:36,440
But if you've only been having
sex with your husband...
521
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:49,320
Guess this isn't just about
the paint on my carpet?
522
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,039
Want a bit of help, sweetheart?
523
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,800
Cost you.
524
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,518
What happened to the milk of human
kindness?
525
00:28:01,519 --> 00:28:02,920
Turned to cheese.
526
00:28:02,921 --> 00:28:05,399
20 quid an hour ... all the help
you need.
527
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,840
One part white spirit
and two parts water...
528
00:28:07,841 --> 00:28:09,600
shift that in next to no time.
529
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,559
OK, I'm not a big believer in
miracles, especially not round here,
530
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,200
so we can rule out another immaculate
conception...
531
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,400
and Shane's infertile.
532
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,680
It's Marty.
533
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,159
You never go bareback!
534
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,120
It wasn't business.
It was more than that.
535
00:28:43,121 --> 00:28:45,039
Are you sure?
536
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,119
What happens when it all turns
to shit?
537
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,559
What am I gonna do?
538
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:52,519
We can sort this, yeah.
539
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:55,559
I'm not getting rid of it.
This is all we've...
540
00:28:55,560 --> 00:29:01,039
Me and Shane, it's all we've
ever wanted and...
541
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:06,520
I can't tell him.
542
00:29:06,521 --> 00:29:10,079
Well, you're gonna have to tell
him something.
543
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,719
I can't!
544
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,400
He's gonna find out sooner or later.
545
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:47,439
Watch yourself, Rain Man!
546
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:49,319
What do you think?
547
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:50,240
Perfect!
548
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,279
What?
549
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,839
Why don't you just talk to Terry?
550
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,839
I know he likes you.
551
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,679
It's not that easy.
552
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:05,280
It was all right for you to barge in
to the bogs and offer me a gob-job!
553
00:30:05,281 --> 00:30:07,479
That was just sex.
554
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,319
It's different with Terry.
555
00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:10,800
I don't know what I feel.
556
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:16,440
Sometimes it's hard to tell someone
what's really going on.
557
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:20,599
Hey, I've been ringing you.
558
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,759
Right. Sorry, my phone's been
on silent for rehearsals.
559
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:25,038
Have you finished?
560
00:30:25,039 --> 00:30:26,360
We've only just started.
561
00:30:26,361 --> 00:30:29,359
I've got a job. You gonna be all
right? I can't take her with me.
562
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,119
It's too dangerous.
563
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:34,400
She can be the baby Jesus.
564
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:42,919
My only concern now
565
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,799
is getting a crowd in to see it ...
an audience, you know.
566
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,399
I mean, who's going to want
to come and see this lot
567
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,239
do the Nativity when it's not
even Christmas?
568
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:53,159
Why can't it be Christmas?
569
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,160
Tills are always bursting.
I love Christmas!
570
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:19,239
I'm sorry! You all right?
571
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:20,879
I've twisted me knee!
572
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,039
It needs support.
573
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,000
I need a bandage.
574
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,479
I'm sorry!
575
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:42,800
Will it be OK?
576
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,159
"It hasn't got an alarm."
577
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,959
But instead, it's got a private
security company
578
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,679
with a direct link to the filth.
579
00:31:52,680 --> 00:31:54,079
Perfect!
580
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,520
They'll send me down for this!
581
00:31:55,521 --> 00:31:56,759
Grow up.
582
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,560
I can't go to prison. I'm too young!
583
00:31:58,561 --> 00:32:01,679
We'll get our brief on to it,
be away on some technicality.
584
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:02,959
Don't worry!
585
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:04,360
What if we don't?
586
00:32:04,361 --> 00:32:08,600
I'll pack you some lube.
Pretty boy like you.
587
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,600
Dozy bastard.
588
00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:39,038
We should've gone back to the car.
589
00:32:39,039 --> 00:32:40,320
He would have seen us.
590
00:32:40,321 --> 00:32:42,639
Ring Shane or someone.
591
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,920
Ask them to pick us up.
Where's your phone?
592
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:46,839
In the car.
593
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:48,479
Where's your phone?
594
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,200
In the car.
595
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,479
Fuck! What are we gonna do?
596
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:55,960
I dunno.
597
00:32:57,640 --> 00:32:59,359
Paddy'd know what to do.
598
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,479
He would. One clever fuck that one,
599
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:05,559
great under pressure ... always
thinking on his feet, you know.
600
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:06,960
Well, that's the answer!
601
00:33:06,961 --> 00:33:09,480
Do a fucking seance and ask Paddy
what to do!
602
00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:16,560
Sorry.
603
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:19,680
Nah, I'm sorry.
604
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:26,239
Right, we can't get a cab, we can't
hitch a lift, not with these, so...
605
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:27,679
We'll walk.
606
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,519
We can't, it's too risky.
Filth are looking for us.
607
00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,280
We need somewhere to lay low
till morning.
608
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:48,959
We shouldn't be doing this.
609
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:50,479
It's a church.
610
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:51,959
Hardly.
611
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,799
It's one of God's houses.
612
00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:56,679
Hasn't paid his council tax
by looks of it.
613
00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:57,760
That's blasphemous!
614
00:33:57,761 --> 00:34:01,759
What, it's all right to break into
offices and nick stuff,
615
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:04,679
but it's not all right to
walk into an unlocked church?!
616
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,199
I've got morals.
617
00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:11,479
Doesn't look like it's in use
now anyway. Come on.
618
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,039
What are you doing?
619
00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:14,240
Looking.
620
00:34:14,241 --> 00:34:15,479
For what?
621
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,799
A saw or something to get these off.
622
00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:20,919
Yeah, always get a saw
in a church.
623
00:34:20,920 --> 00:34:22,919
Drink this. It's the blood of Christ.
624
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,279
This is his body...
625
00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:26,119
This is his saw.
626
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:28,839
What then? Since you think you're
the brains of the outfit!
627
00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,118
I am the brains of the outfit!
628
00:34:30,119 --> 00:34:31,480
What am I then?
629
00:34:31,481 --> 00:34:34,479
A piece of meat? A fuck machine?!
630
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,279
Have a bit of respect.
631
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,479
Swearing in a place of worship!
632
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,600
I don't give a shit.
633
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:43,200
Hang on...
634
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:49,760
Thank you, God.
635
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,759
Copper chopper.
636
00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,839
Pigs will fly.
637
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,479
Come on, hurry up!
638
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:02,680
I'm going as fast as I can.
639
00:35:02,681 --> 00:35:04,039
We'll be here forever!
640
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,480
It'd go quicker if I sawed
through your wrist.
641
00:35:06,481 --> 00:35:08,479
You're going to hell, you.
642
00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:09,760
What, and you're not?
643
00:35:09,761 --> 00:35:13,719
I pray, I repent,
I go to confession.
644
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:16,839
I don't get why you
believe in all that shit.
645
00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,840
After everything I've been through?
646
00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,919
I have to believe my dead children
are in a better place,
647
00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:31,239
because if I thought this was it,
648
00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:35,320
that life was just this,
with nothing at the end...
649
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:38,960
then I'd just give up.
650
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:55,119
Maybe you need to start
looking at "this"
651
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:56,400
a bit differently.
652
00:35:56,401 --> 00:35:58,239
That was then.
653
00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,040
This is now.
654
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:03,960
You, me and Cilla.
655
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:34,080
Kinda liked having you by me side.
656
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:38,920
Maybe we should make it
more permanent.
657
00:36:38,921 --> 00:36:40,319
You having a laugh?
658
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,960
No. Will you marry me?
659
00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,399
Everyone all right?
660
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:12,719
How are you doing?
661
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:13,880
Nervous?
662
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,558
I've still not had a shag!
663
00:37:16,559 --> 00:37:18,520
Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
664
00:37:18,521 --> 00:37:21,639
Inn keeper.
665
00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:23,639
I've still not shagged a woman yet.
666
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:25,439
What's with all the blue paint?
667
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,240
I get it,
it's fucking Avatar, in't it?
668
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:30,680
Avatar inn keeper!
669
00:37:30,681 --> 00:37:32,160
But there's...
670
00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:34,960
Never mind.
671
00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:39,919
Terry, I wanted a word with you
about the last scene.
672
00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:44,879
I know we've not rehearsed it, but
Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
673
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:46,840
It's Lise's idea.
674
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:54,840
But in the Bible Mary
and Joseph don't kiss.
675
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:00,279
But it doesn't say
they didn't either.
676
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,719
They probably did a lot
more besides kissing.
677
00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:04,839
You're up the duff
and it's not your husbands,
678
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:08,559
you'll have to do more than kissing
to make him sweet, aren't you?
679
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:10,120
You know what I mean.
680
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,079
Think about it.
681
00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:15,839
Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?
682
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,559
Well, no! Not in our play.
683
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:20,720
Maybe after, who knows?
But just a kiss for now?
684
00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:25,440
Never mind.
685
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,919
Lise? I've just had a chat with Terry
686
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:38,639
and he's come up with this great idea
that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
687
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:40,760
All his idea.
688
00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:47,239
Like a dream.
689
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:50,919
Call an ambulance! He's passed out.
690
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:52,439
It must've been the paint!
691
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,679
Don't worry Mickey, leave him to us.
692
00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:57,479
Fucking hell, Ches. Come on.
693
00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:00,799
You'll need a new inn keeper
now, Mickey.
694
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:04,239
He's not gonna be up to doing the
show. What are you gonna do?
695
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,840
Michael Maguire?
696
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:07,878
Depends.
697
00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:09,640
We spoke earlier...
I'm from the council.
698
00:39:09,641 --> 00:39:11,399
Brilliant! Innit?
699
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:12,719
Yeah... Great!
700
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:16,519
We're so chuffed you could come,
you'll see what this group have done
701
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:19,199
and maybe bung 'em some cash
to get their own centre.
702
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,519
I'm the Health and Safety Executive.
There'll be no performance
703
00:39:22,520 --> 00:39:25,079
on these premises.
The set has to be fire-proofed,
704
00:39:25,080 --> 00:39:29,479
there are no fire exit signs
displayed, a risk of overcrowding.
705
00:39:29,480 --> 00:39:32,279
But this lot have got
a performance in less than an hour!
706
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:33,880
Well, you have to cancel.
707
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:38,479
Notification of intention
to prosecute if you fail to abide.
708
00:39:38,480 --> 00:39:40,320
Cancel.
709
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,919
That's that then.
No stage, no inn keeper...
710
00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:46,480
no show.
711
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,759
I've not worked my bollocks
off for nothing.
712
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:57,800
We are doing it.
713
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,559
Bugger off, can't you see
it's the second coming?
714
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,320
Stupid, what are you doing? Hey! Hey!
715
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:28,759
All of the hotels,
and the pubs are all full.
716
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:31,759
Man United must be playing!
717
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:36,760
This is the last inn for miles.
718
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,399
Hello.
719
00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:01,319
My wife is with child.
720
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:04,199
We need a bed for the night.
721
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:09,680
Do you have room at your inn?
722
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:22,280
Go on.
723
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:33,080
Do you have room at your inn?
724
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:37,840
Go on.
725
00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,640
We haven't got any room, I'm sorry.
726
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:45,800
Gutted.
727
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,720
I tell you what, though.
728
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:57,239
We've got a, sort of,
stable round there.
729
00:41:57,240 --> 00:41:59,160
You can have that if you want?
730
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:01,880
Thank you, sir.
731
00:42:01,881 --> 00:42:04,879
Thank you for your kindness.
732
00:42:04,880 --> 00:42:06,120
Nice one.
733
00:42:23,321 --> 00:42:25,639
I've already told you,
we haven't got any room.
734
00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:26,920
The bizzies are after us.
735
00:42:26,921 --> 00:42:28,600
Get in.
736
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:38,040
Will you marry me?
737
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:54,559
It's like squeezing a bowling ball
through the eye of a fucking needle!
738
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:56,360
Hardly.
739
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,960
I'm not going to the hospital
till I've got a shag!
740
00:43:06,961 --> 00:43:08,959
Don't look at me.
741
00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:10,480
Or me.
742
00:43:39,520 --> 00:43:42,679
'There is magic everywhere.
But only if you believe.
743
00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:46,599
'That's what people say, innit?
You know they type of people.
744
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:49,239
'They go on about star signs,
angels and shit.
745
00:43:49,240 --> 00:43:52,879
'You have DVD box sets of Friends
and they cry at greeting cards.
746
00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:55,319
'But they're usually single.
747
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:58,159
'You won't find magic with a bunch
of weekend hippies
748
00:43:58,160 --> 00:44:00,320
'at Glastonbury
squatting on lay-lines.
749
00:44:00,321 --> 00:44:02,479
Yeah, they've all got
tattoos and crystals.'
750
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:10,719
'If you want real magic you
go to Creamfields with a spliff,
751
00:44:10,720 --> 00:44:14,599
'a bag of pills in one hand
a bag of mushrooms in the other.'
752
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:31,519
That was all right, that.
For a dickhead.
753
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:36,679
'The real secret is,
you have to work hard for magic.
754
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:38,839
'It's not handed to you on a plate.'
755
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:40,278
Mickey Maguire?
756
00:44:40,279 --> 00:44:42,040
'The universe
don't give a flying fuck
757
00:44:42,041 --> 00:44:44,200
'about your pissy
little existence.'
758
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:47,919
Mam!
759
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:58,759
'Close the book, stop chanting,
ringing your bells
760
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:02,599
'and open your eyes. You want magic?
Make it fucking happen, then!'
761
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,759
Billy Tutton is doing me
the honour of making me his wife.
762
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:16,679
A match made in Jeremy Kyle
ratings heaven.
763
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:17,400
I didn't get rid of it.
764
00:45:17,401 --> 00:45:18,839
Shane loves kids.
765
00:45:18,840 --> 00:45:20,558
I've moved on.
766
00:45:20,559 --> 00:45:21,600
Are you going to him?
767
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:24,560
There is no-one.
768
00:45:24,561 --> 00:45:26,519
Pack whatever you've accumulated
769
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:28,679
and fuck off away from our mum.
770
00:45:28,680 --> 00:45:31,239
If you want to get rid of me,
you'll have to do it your way.
771
00:45:31,240 --> 00:45:33,200
Grab him!
772
00:45:34,320 --> 00:45:36,640
You'll learn to love me again,
I know you will.
773
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,560
And you put the egg in like so.
774
00:46:26,600 --> 00:46:29,639
Then we say the magic words.
775
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:31,720
Fish and chippingtons!
776
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:37,280
With a bit of luck...
777
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,439
It's not worked, but... you know.
778
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:44,040
You have a go.
779
00:47:01,000 --> 00:47:03,720
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9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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