Original subtitles

It's actually been a year since he's gone.

You know, it brings back a lot of memories.

This place gives me the creeps.

Don't you find it strange that the executor of the estate sent you a letter

your grandfather a year after he died that can only be opened in his house?

I mean, that's like a letter from the grave.

Spooky.

I say we don't stay here.

Oh, come on.

I mean, what in this place was it?

Makes me feel like a kid again.

What do you say we go upstairs and wet the bed?

You're such a knucklehead.

Can we make this a quick visit?

Okay, fine.

Hey, there he is.

Your grandpa.

Except that I had Jackson.

Why, he was the greatest storyteller ever.

I mean, he could tell you about historical events just like he was

there.

He was the greatest.

Is this him, too?

Ah, no, no. That was his grandpa, General Jeb Jackson.

He rode with Robert E. Lee with the old Virginia.

Yep, back in the old war. You know, with the Southern Independence?

Yeah. Why? Grandpa used to tell me that he had quite a reputation about it. Why,

when he would go onto the battlefield, the Yankees would take one look at him

and turn tail and run.

Oh, yeah, he was great.

And, of course, after the war, he was quite an engine fighter.

The Indians would see him shaking their moccasins.

Hmm, I see the family resemblance.

You know what's weird?

If you compare the ZZ Top look, these guys look exactly the same.

Yeah.

You know, you're right.

But other than the similarities with their looks, that's all that they had in

common. I mean, great -grandpa, why, he was a great war hero and an engine

fighter. And grandpa here, well, he was a scientist and an inventor.

Quite an eccentric one at that.

What happened to you?

Hey, being a chiropractor is a noble occupation.

Why, I aligned many important people.

What, you know what they say, if you're not properly aligned, don't you?

No, but I'm sure you're about to tell me. Well, your tires go bald and your

end shakes.

But enough about that.

Anyway, why don't I take you to the most important room, Grandpa's laboratory.

Wow,

look at all this stuff.

What was he working on?

I don't know. I mean, he was real secretive about his last project.

Didn't want it to fall into the wrong hands. Something about commie spies

everywhere. What a guy.

I get some Sandy. It's the red scary.

Could be too much chlorine in the gene pool.

Now, will you open that letter for me to call out of here? Okay.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Randall.

If you're reading this, then it means that your old grandpa's gone. And I have

something to tell you that you're going to find hard to understand.

Those things are.

Stories that I told you when you were a kid were not passed down.

I actually lived them.

That's right. I was the ancestor that was in King Arthur's court.

I crossed the ocean with Columbus and fought the revolution.

And yes, the truth is, the truth is I was also the old general, an Indian

fighter. Your real ancestors were nothing but bootleggers and horse

So I single -handedly had given you a family tree that you could be proud of.

What size straight jacket did you say your grandfather wore?

Would you shut up?

I've invented a time machine.

A time machine? Yes, a time machine.

Einstein's theory states time is not consistent, but flexible.

With this machine, there is no longer any distinction between three

time and space.

I have proven that they are fused in a four -dimensional time and space

continuum.

Of course.

I mean, it just makes perfectly good sense.

I mean, that's why I went to college. I should know this.

Perfect sense.

You have heard of the fourth dimension.

No. Now, the fifth dimension I've heard of, you know, the age of Aquarius. Damn

it, this is serious. I mean, just imagine if you could be transported into

past or into the future. I mean, that's just incredible.

Wait, wait, there's more.

Okay, you'll find the time machine hidden under a drop cloth here in the

Okay, here are the instructions. Use this machine wisely or face dire

consequences. Ooh, dire consequences.

Ha ha!

Is this proof enough?

This?

This is your proof?

This only proves you had a crackpot inventor for a grandfather.

So can we go now?

Oh, fine. If you're going to be like that, then I just won't tell you what

rest of the letter says.

Oh, don't tell me.

Your grandfather was also the man on the grassy knoll.

That's not funny, okay?

P .F.

Son, please find a bank statement book with your name on it.

Back in the 1890s, I picked up a few bags of gold nuggets in Alaska.

And next thing you know, old Jeb's a millionaire.

But with today's market, the balance should exceed one million dollars.

Spend it wisely.

Your loving grandfather, Jebediah Jackson.

One million dollars?

I knew I had a good feeling about all this. And that grandfather of yours, did

not say genius?

Now give me that bank book. Let me see.

One million clams. Yes!

Now let's celebrate.

There's something about money that makes me feel so horny. Yeah.

I can't figure it out.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

oh oh

Well,

that was good.

Was it worth about $500 ,000?

$500 ,000?

Yeah. That's all?

Well, I mean, it was good. It was more than good. But let's be serious.

Or a blowjob?

No, no, no. If you're going to want the whole million, then I think we're going

to have to get a little bit more creative than that.

Start again.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, man, we're screwed!

I lost it!

Engine!

Oh, this has got to stop!

Give me that stick!

No, don't touch it!

Randy,

you big dope, where the hell are we?

Oh, man.

Hey, look, down the hill, there's a town.

What year is it? Well, according to the annual magnetron, it's 1882.

Great, 1882.

Well, Wizkid, now that you've lost the instructions, how are we going to get

of here?

Well, that's easy. All you have to do is adjust the magnetron, coexist with the

capillary, balancing out the dilapidators, and sliding up the

I mean, any moan could figure it out.

Well, then, you ought to know.

Well, thanks for the load of confidence.

Hey, what does that sign say?

Um, Cripple Creek.

Cripple Creek.

Hey, Cripple Creek, 1882.

Hey, that's the same year that my grandfather was telling me that the old

general's in.

Or that my grandfather's in. Or vice versa.

Anyway, listen.

Listen, if we can find my grandfather, then maybe he can help me figure out how

to run this contraption.

Come on, let's go down to town.

Did you get the license plate of that guy?

Come on, tough guy.

It's a

graveyard.

Oh, this is good. This welcomes everyone.

Big cross there.

Check this out.

Yeah. Wonder why they call it Triple Street.

Huh? Friendly town.

It has a lot of love in that name.

Okay.

Um, see what? I'm going to go into this trading post and get me some western

duds so I can blend in with the locals.

Why don't you, uh, why don't you go over to the hotel over there and get us a

room? I'll come back to you when it's safe for the womenfolk.

Fine. See if you don't get yourself broke next time, Prince Louis, bud.

Howdy, stranger. What can I do for you?

Ah, Barton.

Give me, uh, four fingers worth of red eye.

Wait a minute.

You know, I might be killing someone today.

Then you better go all the way.

A little information.

Holds around here, don't pat it up. Rangers coming around asking questions.

If you look harmless, go shoot.

Sir. What's the matter?

You see, I'm looking for a man.

What a coincidence.

Well, I'm not.

I don't really doubt that you can come to me.

Whoa.

What a lulu.

You win.

How much would you win?

First kiss.

It's harder to handle than a handful of bumblebees.

It's all right. I'll just shoot them in the back as you walk by.

No, you can't do that. You're the deputy.

I want this to be a fair fight.

I'll shoot them in the back.

I know it's Horace Greeley, man.

That's enough, tenderfoot.

Hey, you walk around in these boots all day, and you're that tenderfoot, too.

I got news for you.

I wasn't fooling.

Yeah.

I didn't care nobody.

Listen, partner.

This town ain't big enough for the truth of life.

Come on, we need to get out of town by Sunday.

That is the correct time, right?

Well,

Sunday, the 15th.

I'll be waiting.

Oh, you do that?

Oh, you do that?

Side -winding, bush -wetting, polecat.

That polecat?

These deputies really caught on.

And that's his brother, Sheriff Chester, caught on.

There's a two -bed shop.

There might have been a man taking it.

See, you don't understand.

I'm not exactly going to be in a gunfight with those two.

No, no, no. See, I'm a very low threshold for death, okay? And my doctor

specifically told me, do not have any bullet enter this body.

Why, Lulu?

I didn't even recognize you standing up.

Speaking of lying horizontal, I don't think our stranger here wants to get in

gunfight with me.

Well, the hornet plumbed out of me.

But I can understand you coming on over here and trying to convince me not to

kill him. I mean, you love your brother and such, right?

Nope. But I'm used to him.

Where have I seen your face before?

Right here now.

Take those whiskers away.

Say, you're a spitting image of General Jeff Jackson.

Ah, yeah, he's my grandpa.

Um, he's my pep. Yeah, I'm looking for him.

Know where I can find him?

Maybe.

He rode out of here about two weeks ago.

He's on the trail of that renegade Cheyenne cheat sitting move.

Going up to the school ball pass, from what I understand.

Well,

thanks for the info, Sheriff.

You know, when it's not as cool as it is.

Hope you find him, stranger.

He's a fine fella and a hell of an Indian fighter.

Randall! What's this I hear? You're going to be in a gunfight.

Shh! No, no, not me, sister. No.

Listen. I got some good news, though. I think I found out where my grandfather

is. I'm going to go ahead and try to find him and meet him. Why don't you go

ahead and meet me by the time machine first thing in the morning?

Well, that's just typical of you.

Always running away from confrontations. I do not.

Then I don't have to stand here and take this.

Come on. This is the old west. I want to see a real gunfight. Where's your

chivalry? I traded in for a Buick.

Hey, you.

Listen,

I got to go. I got about as much future here as a snowman.

He didn't look like him. I sure wouldn't have known

that he didn't want a Jeb Jackson kid.

And that's what he said.

He said he'd walk on a general Jeb Jackson kid, that's for sure.

Uh, what would you two cowboys know back then?

Well, I sure do know that when you were a kid, you didn't have a dog to play

with. You had a rat, and you still got one, right up in your tail.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how would you two like to play with a rattler?

Got the nerve?

Oh!

um um

Ah.

um um

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ah!

I had to tell noisy neighbors, oh, you take fame.

What that mean?

Don't come knocking if you're walking.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

chief that just left, or some man with a chicken for a hat.

My name Little Quailtail.

Oh, Little Quailtail.

Or is it Quail? Or can I just call you Tail?

Well, enough of that.

Listen, I was wondering if you could help. I'm looking for a frontiersman by

name of Jeb Jackson.

I'm his grandson.

I was wondering if you could help me find him.

Little Quail will tell you and trade for Kiss.

Okay, but you're going to lose out on this deal.

Got my squaw.

Sitting moose, angry.

Do not like what white man does.

Hey, if you don't like the way we do things in this country, why don't you go

back to where you came from?

Sitting moose scalp you.

Hey,

I didn't come here for a scalp treatment.

White man talk too much. Make chief heap mad.

No, no, no, no, no. White man, red man's friend.

No, white man wants to be red brother's friend and red sister too.

Say what? Why don't you get a canoe, and I'll paddle you later.

White man speak with fourth tongue.

What is that supposed to mean?

Old Indian saying.

All old Indians say it.

Why, are you insinuating that the white man isn't the red man's friend?

Why, who was it who swindled you out of Manhattan Island for 24 bucks?

White man.

Yeah. And who was it who turned you into wood and stuck you in front of a cigar

store?

White man.

And who was it who put your head on a nickel and took the nickel away?

Slot machine.

Oh. White man, it's son of heap, big, pale -faced warrior Jackson.

Yeah. Pale -faced Jackson killed 50 best warriors.

I think we take white man's legs, time to horses, and make a wish.

Hey, sounds like you want to part my hair all the way to my balls.

I don't think so, Geronimo.

Hey.

Hey, oh, no.

I'm not going to get a hatchet job.

Good throw, Chief. That's the old pepper.

Randall.

Randall.

He stuck his finger in my bum.

He stuck his finger in your what?

Hey, you must have been eating with the village people.

Randall. Randall, you okay?

Hey, there's three of you.

Yeah, I'm the one in the middle.

Well, grab your two friends and let's get out of here.

Well, what now, genius?

Okay, I got this thing all figured out, babe. Okay. The reason why we can't find

my grandfather is because, basically, you cannot duplicate the same time

continuum.

Brilliant, Einstein.

What the hell does that mean? What that means is that the time machine cannot be

in the same place at the same time twice.

Oh, well, that clears it up.

Don't worry, don't worry. I got it all figured out.

Okay, all I have to do is just punch in 1996, then hit enter.

And then, after that, all I have to do is hit the engage switch, and we're

We're out of here.

Let's go.

Okay, get back here. Get back here.

1996?

Get it right.

Engage.

Centurion! Centurion! Yes, hello.

Who is it? Oh, no, fire!

Oh, who would do something like this?

Phew.

It's all over my new sandals.

Apparently we were attacked during the night, sir.

Attacked by whom?

Vandals, sir.

Vandals, Captain?

Vandals. Barbarian hordes that sacked and pillaged during the waning years of

the Roman Empire.

A nomadic tribe that expanded eastward during the Celtic expansion in the late

century A .D.

Enough of this nonsense.

I want a full report.

Very well, sir.

Well, it appears we have several pairs of badly soiled vandals.

Our tent walls have been spray -painted with graffiti.

In the worst news of all, sir, your chariot is on cement blocks and also the

wheels are missing.

Centurion!

Yes, Marcus Flemeth. The whole legion's been egged, sir.

Egged?

Yes, sir. Apparently the legion was pelted with rotten eggs.

That's not funny.

Someone's eye could have been put out. The Vandals think it's funny, sir.

Destroying property and endangering lives.

I'll show them funny.

Find those Vandals. I want their heads on poles in front of the camp for the

whole Empire to see.

1996. You imbecile. It's 196.

You forgot to put in the other nine.

I'm sorry.

Somebody's coming. Somebody's coming. Get out. Get out. Go, go, go.

Look, Captain, those bastard vandals stole the wheels off this chariot, too.

Yeah, they have.

It's the most unusual chariots, indeed.

We'd better take it back to Centurion Celsius.

Well, they can't do that.

Well, what are you going to do about it? It's their country.

Well, we'll contact the American Embassy.

In case you haven't noticed, it's 196.

They're Romans.

America hasn't even been discovered yet.

Well, then you think of something, smartass.

Okay, I got it.

We'll go down to the Roman camp.

I mean, if you want to catch the big game, you've got to go down where the

watering hole is.

Come on.

Okay.

Stay here.

I got an idea.

Okay, put these on.

I'm going to go do as the Romans do.

Centurion! There.

Centurion. What infidel is the nerve to disturb Centurion, Max and Celsius?

Hiya, Max.

Listen, I hear that you're having a little bit of a problem steeping the old

wheels on the chariot. Well...

I got a deal for you.

You see, I happen to have this beaut of a chariot, yep. Used to be owned by a

little old lady. Used to only drive it once a week. That's down to Temple over

at Babylon.

Now, for a fine -looking chariot like that, normally you'd go for something

400 shekels over at Madman Ramsey's lot.

But, no, no, no. With me, I can let you have it for no money down. And, of

course, you'd have to trade in that funny -looking chariot over there with

wheels on it. You do that, and we got a deal.

Here's the chariot salesman, eh?

I despise used chariot salesmen. My first wife ran off with a used chariot

salesman. Guards!

Captain Quintus Interruptus and Lieutenant Marcus Plymouth reporting,

Arrested, Stan Fleet.

Hey!

You know, I'm going to get myself a cheap lawyer.

What would you like us to do with him, sir? The punishment shall befit his low

stature.

First, we'll have wild horses drag him around the arena.

Then we will feed him to the lions.

And what's left?

Feed to the crocodiles.

Yeah, right.

You and what army?

Oh, Queen Nefertiti.

Queen of the Nile.

Widow of Pharaoh Rutentutin.

Dado of Pharaoh couldn't take it.

What a pleasant surprise, my queen.

Do you know the son of a goat?

Unfortunate as it seems, he's my servant.

Achilles.

The heel.

Talk to him. Talk to him. Tell him that I'm harmless and stuff like that. Tell

him that I want to go back. Go back to Egypt. You know, where it's nice and

safe. You know, and I want to be back with the pyramids that stand so pointy

erect like a young, supple breast of a sorority pledge.

Is it your wish that I spare this dog?

Uh, can I get back to you on that? Uh -huh.

Uh, nah.

I just... Um, just have him...

Wash your chariot till I'm ready to go.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Come, Your Highness. Would you like to partake in food and wine?

Hmm, sounds good to me. I haven't eaten in 2 ,000 years.

Hey, easy, guys, easy.

Okay, okay.

You know, we got tigers in my time, too. At least they can spell.

Okay, I'm cleaning, I'm cleaning.

Nice stuff.

Hey, what the... A thousand pardons, Centurion. I was mesmerized by your

fruit.

And I'm bewitched by your beauty.

Enchanted. And I'm mortified.

Kiss me, Max.

Enough for titties. Time to go.

Time is money. About a million bucks worth.

Well, I guess it's true.

Time wounds all heals.

See you, Max. I've got a flight to catch.

What?

Let's go!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay.

And we enter 1996 again.

Okay, Nimrod. Make this thing go off like a Roman candle.

In the name of Goose, what manner of deviltry is this?

So tell me, did your centurion go off like a Roman candle, too?

Don't start with me, shithead.

I did what I had to to keep you from becoming the main course for a

Yeah, that's a crock, all right.

Watch it. What are you, fucking goofy?

No, I know as well, Boo.

in danger of everything from being hit by a meteor falling into a black hole in

space.

Oh, man, return, return.

Oh, this is just... Nina?

Nina, where'd you go?

Oh, this is great.

What the hell?

Step into the light, Earth creature.

Oh, yeah, well, fuck you. I don't think so.

I gotta stop this thing and find Nina.

Now where the hell am I?

Well, the year is 2525.

Oh, great.

I wonder if man is still alive.

Well, if I'm going to save woman, I guess I'm going to have to find her.

Stop, you human rat!

Get your stinking paws off me, you damn filthy ape!

I've always wanted to say that.

Anytime, anywhere, go, go, go!

Missed him by that much.

What's the title of the story?

Boy Finds Gorilla, Boy Loses Gorilla. Where the hell am I going?

According to this, I traveled backwards in time again.

But how far?

Okay, okay. Well, this looks just as good as a spot of energy land. Go ahead

get my bear.

Holy dinosaur shit! I planted a bedrock!

Excellent and anatomically correct human female flesh pod.

Of course not. The light you were involuntarily consumed by was a

beam. But fear not. The effect is merely temporary.

Great. Well, who the hell are you? Where the hell am I?

On behalf of His Majesty's Space Navy, I am Admiral Ordork. You are a space

cruiser somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

Destination is our home planet, Zeeborb.

A planet your kind calls Pluto.

Pluto?

That tiny planet?

It's not the size of your planet that counts. It's how you use it.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you going to rape me?

Sadly, I do not possess the proper sexual organs necessary to have

with Earth creatures.

When this was revealed, imagine my disappointment.

Oh, yeah.

I know how you felt.

It's like the time I found out that Kermit the Frog was nothing but a big

of felt with somebody's hand up his butt.

Do you have to do that?

It is merely a rectal probe. I am an alien. It is what we do.

Excellent. You will be sufficient for my experiment.

Experiment? My theory is female humans are essentially party organisms and will

have intercourse with the same sex of their or similar species at will.

I shall observe.

And what makes you think I'm going to cooperate with this peep show?

You see this device?

What, that stupid lava lamp?

Insulate human, this is not merely a lamp, but the Uranium Q36 space

It has the explosive power to destroy the entire planet Earth.

Cooperate with us or it will be hurtling toward Earth at the speed of warp

vector six.

Okay, dork. Give it your best shot.

Wise choice, earth creature.

Sure, I'll go home with you.

Hey, what the... Oh, dork. Is that you?

Galaxina, I have a job for you.

You big static clan.

I just had a line on an executive from Spacely Sprockets, okay? And this guy

going to put me up in a luxury penthouse on the tropical moon of Mipsela.

Galaxina, you owe me. Who paid for your flesh orbs and asteroid augmentations?

Okay, but let's make it quick so I can get back to Uranus Lounge and my future

man, okay?

Does it check the victim?

Precisely.

Proceed, females.

Clean each other.

Proceed. Well, do it, Chester.

Barbarella.

You sure are cute.

I'm going to enjoy this.

Yeah, I think you will. I think I will, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, if you're ever on my planet, make sure you drop by.

Will do.

Whoa, those dinosaurs scared the bejeebers out of me.

Look, Lena, Hunk, a man.

Hiya, girl.

Why don't you just call me Hunk?

You look like you like Nuki.

No, me wina.

This is Nuki.

Yeah, well, I think I got it right the first time. Uh, say, uh, you know your

friend? She kind of looked like the governor kind of pardoned her 30 seconds

after they flipped the switch.

Yeah, it's bird's nest heritage.

It's out.

You say that too. Okay, girl.

Say, tell me, did you just come around the rock or from under it?

Will Honk be our new man?

We tired of old ones.

They never wipe feet when come into cave.

Never poop.

Would they want to fool around?

Well, uh, my college anthropology class didn't really prepare me for this, but,

um... What is anthropology?

Ah, that's the study of men erect.

Here, why don't I just come on over there and I'll show you.

Look at this posture.

Lucky for you, I'm a chiropractor.

Ah, here, let me help you, too.

Here.

Oh!

Oh, weena feel better.

Yeah. You'd that make me now wet.

We make Zug -Zug. Here, hit us on head.

Okay, if you insist.

Give me the lizard.

Wow.

You're friendly little minks, aren't you?

You know, we just don't talk anymore.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

people.

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, oh, oh yeah, that's it

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

His first name wouldn't happen to be Ollie, would it?

No, no, it couldn't be.

You know, the last time I saw a mug like that, it had a string of numbers

underneath it.

Oop! Kill Hunk!

Not if I can help it.

Ah! That bit's some poison gas.

Here, girls, put on your gas masks.

Come here, my little friend.

Hey, hold it! Catch!

See you, alley -oop. Catch you in the funny papers.

I've got to get out of here before I'm done serving.

Wait a minute. I've got to go find Nina.

The computer should have a record of where Nina was the last time before she

disappeared.

Okay.

Passengers departed window in space 7355 between the Milky Way and the four

galaxies. Okay.

All I have to do is go back and go through that window.

Wait a minute.

There's a chance that I might lose the time machine.

That's a chance I'm going to have to take.

Okay.

The year is 7355 A .D. and the correct coordinates.

You know, I think I'm starting to figure out the hint of this thing.

Okay, now engage.

Right there.

53 .55.

64 .55.

7 ,000.

Well, Grandfather, thanks for the time machine and the adventure.

Here we go.

73 .55.

In the window.

You stole my woman!

You horse thief.

Greetings, male earth creature.

It was foolish for you to have come here. You should have abandoned the

unit. I have studied your species, and I've found that man is not meant to go

seeing the same woman forever.

Or at least in his case, we run about a quarter.

Hey. It is fortunate for me you have materialized here at this time. The

needs slaves to mine titanium on the planet Fallopia.

You shall do nicely.

Yeah, right.

He doesn't have any phasers or anything, does he?

No, no. But quick, grab the lava lamp. It's an alien bomb.

Danger, Will Robinson. Danger, Will Robinson.

If the Earth creature drops the Uranium Q36 space modulator, all life forms here

will be terminated.

Listen, pal.

Unless you want to be a Martian jigsaw puzzle, you better send us back to

That's Cleveland, Ohio, USA, 1996.

And do it now.

Affirmative. You shall return to your beloved Earth in ten seconds. Now return

the uranium Q -36 space modulator to its rightful owner.

Oh, no problem.

Here, catch.

Oops.

Hey, we made it. Wow, we're back.

What an adventure.

Yeah, some adventure.

Pretty damn scary if you ask me.

Well, not as scary as when you forget to flush.

Yeah, that's not funny.

Hey, this is what I've been waiting for.

Come on, let's go shopping and spend some of that million. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa. Take it easy.

You got all the time in the world.

I guess you're right.