Original subtitles

So what's the deal with the female lab?

Have you seen the size of these things lately?

They keep getting bigger and bigger. And the pants keep getting tighter and

tighter. It's like trying to fit two watermelons inside of a simple old bag.

It's a fine science.

You can't just get the pants on anymore.

You need a shoehorn, Vaseline, a crowbar, a bottle of lube, a power

avocados, a can of hairspray, and MacGyver just to get these ladies in and

of their flats.

But at least you can see those butts jiggle. They jiggle like the biggest

of breasts you've ever seen.

But they're in the back.

Butt boobies.

You know, I think I have just what the doctor ordered.

And seeing that you're taking off your clothes, there must be a doctor around

here performing freelance physicals.

But what's the deal with doctors anyway?

Shut up, Jerry. Just do me.

Yeah. Doctors can go to hell.

Oh, look at the time. I forgot. I have court early in the morning tomorrow. I

have to go. I'm sorry.

What?

What? Rain check.

Fine.

Vagina rain check.

Ma, I'm here for my weekly visit.

Hopefully it's enough to keep me in the well.

Ma, you here?

Thank God for the poor Nazi.

On one of your irregular visits to your mother's, you regularly bring

pornography.

European high -end art court parody pornography.

Yep. And on this regular visit, you decide to pleasure yourself on her newly

reupholstered couch.

It was scotch -guarded.

Well, the defense rests. He is your witness.

Another proud day at the Costanza household.

I need to spend ten minutes on the floor screaming and yelling in Russian, and

then another ten minutes in broken English praying for me.

Oh, God, please don't let poor Mr. Gorge pull out his pee -pee in publica again.

Is God really the right person to be going to in that kind of request?

Of course. God, please, help the poor, feed the hungry, and stop the unemployed

son of my class from masturbating on the couch.

This isn't funny.

She's in the hospital, all because of my love for porn star pussy.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm never doing that again.

Thanks. Nope.

Never again. As far as I'm concerned, it's off limits.

Yeah, right.

Please. What are you going to do? Become a monk?

Like that show.

Not Tony Shlube monk. A monk.

Not the character monk, but the celibate man of God monk.

Are you kidding? No sex?

Nope. I will never solve the mystery of the case of the stuffed hole again.

You got to put some money on that, Sherlock.

How's $100?

I'll take those odds. Oh, please. You'll be out before you hit the door.

I want in on that.

No, absolutely not.

What? That's not fair.

Everybody knows that women don't need sex.

What about Minnesota Congresswoman Orly Bridgewood?

Fair.

Okay,

what you got to give us odds?

All right, I'm in for 150.

Are we all in?

All right.

Hey, buddy.

You gotta take a look at this.

That's my neighbor, Kramer.

Oh, hello.

Why, hello.

Oh, I'm late.

I have to be uptown in 15 minutes. I have to go.

You do?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'll call you later, okay?

It's nice to meet you, Kramer.

Wow.

She has one hell of a posterior.

Tell me about it. It's a good thing we have this contest because I wouldn't

what to do with it.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

How do you go about saying, I would like to deposit sperm on your beautiful butt

cheeks without sounding like a pig?

Have you tried?

What's the deal with Blue John Bones?

Oh, you probably have.

Okay.

How about...

Hello, baby.

You are so beautiful.

I love your eyes.

I love your smile.

I love your body.

You know what else I love?

Popping on your butt.

How about it?

Still ride greeting cards?

Nah.

It doesn't matter anyway.

Anytime we even get close to having sex, something happens and she has to run

off. Oh.

She's a pussy denier.

Denying without prejudice. It's driving me crazy.

Okay, then. You have to take a look at this.

Wow. That woman is... I know.

Is she?

She certainly is.

Taking cock like a champion.

I was unaware they gave out medals for that.

What are you guys looking at?

Whoa, that's deep.

Looks like they're mining for gold.

Giddy -up.

This has been happening all day. Everyone around me is having sex.

It sounds like an episode of Oz.

Here, I think I'm being haunted by sex.

You're a lost cause. You guys, you'll never guess who works out at my gym.

Who? The guy from the Flavor Wave infomercial.

Mr. T?

No, not Mr. T.

He was just in the audience.

But he was checking me out. I think he wants me.

Wow, he must be something.

Worth 150 bucks.

What about Putty?

Damn, that boyfriend is really becoming a pain in my ass.

Figuratively.

Well, you could always break up with him. Save yourself from this

futile existence you call a relationship.

No, that would be too easy.

I think I'm going to have to pawn him off on some unsuspecting bastard.

That is a mature thing to do.

Here.

I'm out.

You had sex already?

It's been five minutes since we saw you.

Yeah.

I'm going over.

And then there were three.

It's been hard for me.

Yeah.

I need Pokey me.

It's so bad.

Oh, yes.

Oh, nice and cool.

Oh,

it's getting nice and floppy.

Fucking cocked on me

Yeah,

like that.

Oh, girl.

watching the sex porno in the house you've been raised in. Your mother just

the couch upholstered. It's okay.

It doesn't matter who was watching what and whose mother's house.

What matters is my mother's beautiful, wonderful housekeeper is all right.

But what kind of man wants to see a baby hole being stretched in the wrong way

in your mother's home? Boy, you're boring.

That's enough.

Those actors on TV, they were at each other as if a plane crashed in her ass.

Lucy was made of dead rugby players.

Anita! You know, human body has just so much elasticity. At some point, those

poor holes will look just like deflated air tubes.

Hi, Anita.

Hi, Doctor.

And how are we feeling today?

I'm good. I'm better. This is Gorge, by the way. How do you do?

Fine, thank you. I've heard so much about you.

But please, don't masturbate on any of the hospital furniture.

So, Anita, I'm going to go check on those tests we ran the other day, and

be right back. All right.

How's my patient doing today?

She keeps complaining that her nipples hurt.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe they just need some massage.

Hmm. I think I can help with that.

Can I see your technique?

Well, I understand maybe at home, but at your parents' house.

Yeah, roast beef, love it.

How am I supposed to look at your parents' eyes again?

Yeah, Friday's great, Friday.

It's much better, doctor.

Thank you.

Put your face where it hurts.

Why would you call me here?

Neutral pterosaur.

Hard to call this neutral.

Well, it is for me, bucko.

So do you know why they call it a club sandwich?

What?

Why do they call it a club sandwich?

Well, Putty, it's probably called a club sandwich because it was invented in an

establishment not unlike a golf or country club.

No, I think the guy that created it was clubbed to death.

Why does it have to be a man that was clubbed to death? Maybe it was a woman.

That just doesn't seem plausible.

You know what?

This relationship is giving me a headache.

Potty, we have to talk.

How do you feel about taking our relationship to another level?

And what level might that be?

Well, how open is your back door these days?

Where's my manners?

How do you feel about taking me in your ass?

Buddy, I brought you here to break up with you. Not to bring our relationship

another level.

Think of it as a going away present.

Alright, you better make it quick.

That's how I do my best work.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

This feels like a fucking pussy.

So what do you want to do tonight? Dinner and a movie?

Sure. Why don't we start with some In -N -Out and then go catch a screening of

Where the Wild Thing's Ejaculated? What?

Or we could skip dinner and move right to dessert, if you know what I mean.

Really? Marla, we've been together for quite some time, and I haven't had an

opportunity to take this thing for a test drive.

You can have me whenever you want, Peter.

That's just the problem.

Every time we get hot and heavy, something happens and you have to rush

here just like last night.

Somebody broke into my apartment last night and stole all of my belongings.

Let's not lose focus of the issue here, which is my horniness and how it's

driving me crazy.

We could do something about that.

Okay, bye.

So what's the emergency now?

No big emergency, silly.

It was just my Nana.

She needs help with her bath. She has trouble reaching her backside.

And she has this skin disease and rash.

And I had to put this skin cream. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is quite enough of

that.

Why? We still have time.

Time flies when you're nauseous. Go.

Go take care of poor old Nana.

I can go rub skin cream on her withered, daily body.

I'm sure.

I'm never more sure of anything in my life.

In fact, here.

Take this as cab money. It'll help you get there quicker.

We'll talk about this later.

Yeah. Next time, let's leave the manas out of this.

You don't look good, buddy.

I'm fine.

But I'm going to deal with this window fiasco once and for all.

What the hell are you talking about, Gary?

If I can't get any, I'm not going to help you get any. Have you lost your

man? Yes. I need vagina.

Fine. You can have it in a little while. Let you know that it's killing me.

Sacrifices must be made.

She's not even there.

I can wait.

Window whore? Yep.

So, my mother's housekeeper's doctor is hot as hell.

She's having sex with a hot patient and a male nurse right in the same room.

Wow. Yeah.

That's good bedside, man. You have no idea.

I never understood the plight of the male nurse.

Most men are just a creature in the workplace.

Society is dictating they want hot, busty female nurses, and they refuse to

accept it. They're like the Rosa Parks of the hospital industry.

Rosa Parks with a penis.

Anyway, I'm sitting there listening to my mother's housekeeper go on and on

about my porn choices.

Which could not have been comfortable for either of you.

The nurse walks in. Next thing you know, they're going at it.

Gave them a tour of the Grand Canyons. Like an excited Arizona tourist. I had

run out of there. My life is an enigma wrapped in a riddle.

Baked in a Twinkie.

Okay, I need to get back to Anita.

You're going to go comfort her in her time of need?

Yeah, that too.

Well, let me ask you this.

Are you the student?

Or the master.

I'm the leader of the pack. You? King of the world.

That's right.

You are a dirty girl.

Take it off.

Ooh, yeah.

Whatever, Kramer.

You deal with your dirty window slut.

I'll just be sitting over here doing something constructive.

Oh, yeah.

You are bad.

Sliding that thing all up inside you like that?

Yeah, I'm just over here balancing the old checkbook.

Wow. I can save money if I change laundry detergents.

Wow.

You are a wet, sporty thing, aren't you?

Gary, Gorge, Kramer.

So, nothing happened, did it?

Nothing. Not even a dry end? Not even a handy.

Well, that's just great.

And here I am, stuck with Miley Spirits over here.

I don't think I can take this much longer, Gary.

Neither can I.

What's happening to us?

We're so irritated because everyone around us is having sex and we're not.

falling apart, Gorgie boy.

We're out?

Oh, my God.

Putty last night.

Oh.

Yep.

Tried to break up with him last night.

Wouldn't take no for an answer.

Huh? Now I can move forward with Labor Wave Guy.

Mr. T?

He's meeting me out front tonight.

Well, Gorge.

And then there were two.

Welcome back, Elena.

What are you doing here? Ha! What do you think?

I don't know.

Um, Anita was discharged an hour ago.

Didn't you come to pick her up?

Ready now!

So, no emergency?

Nope. No appointments?

No. No nannies? Nada. No bar mitzvahs, Bahama vacations, Chinese restaurants,

reservations? Nothing. Just...

So what's the deal with...

Hmm.

Yes,

there you go.

Just slide up and down on my dick.

God.

Thank you.

Yes, come on.

Come on in.

You told her?

I had to. I was hypnotized by her amazing ass.

Asthma test.

What happened to you?

I got sucked by that flavor wave dude.

They released her from the genital hospital.

No more hot doctor -patient action.

And that's anything good oh My god, it couldn't be but it

is what?

Well, I certainly didn't see that one coming

Did you think it was getting hard for me? Yeah. Yeah?

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I can't help it.

I can't help it.

Oh,

fuck. Here we go.

Yeah? Yeah, you like it like that?

I can't wait to see that.

I'm expecting to see.

Did I not?

Oh, yeah. I want it all nice and fucking red.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Get it all.

I'm going to push it to my ass.

I can't do it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

you keep your face right there.

Keep your face right there. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck in your face.

Smother my fucking face with that perfect fucking pussy.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Fuck it.

I fucking love you, Tom and Michael.

Oh, yeah.

Are you fucking back in there?

Oh.

We can get some baguettes, some French toast.

We're berets next to each other.

I wonder how you say, let me grab on your ass boots.