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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,536
* Men.
2
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,605
Gee, that's too bad, Jake.
(TV playing)
3
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:08,309
A sore throat and
a runny nose? Aw.
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,078
Oh, yeah. Yeah,
I guess you should
5
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,580
stay at your mom's this weekend.
6
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,216
Oh! Gesundheit.
7
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:17,017
Yeah. Yeah, feel better.
8
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,719
Okay, bye-bye.
9
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,054
Jake sick?
10
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,355
Nah, he's lying
through his teeth.
11
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,225
Probably has a party
to go to or something.
12
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,327
Or a hangover.
Hmm.
13
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:29,230
Remember when he wanted
to be around us?
14
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,632
Remember when we
wanted to be around him?
15
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:35,002
Hey, that's my son
you're talking about.
16
00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,370
But point taken.
17
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,506
So, you're a free man
for the weekend.
18
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,740
What are your plans?
19
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:42,610
I don't know. Probably
just catch up on my reading,
20
00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,444
take a walk on the beach,
21
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:44,878
you know, a little "me" time.
22
00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:45,879
What about you?
23
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,515
Pretty much the same.
24
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,117
Except instead of
reading and walking,
25
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,685
I'm going on a date
and hoping to get laid.
26
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:55,123
Now, when you say "date,"
27
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:57,191
do you mean an actual
date, or one of your
28
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:59,260
$2,500 "date experiences."
29
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,994
If I were paying $2,500,
30
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,631
I wouldn't just be
hoping to get laid.
Hmm!
31
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:07,535
So. You're back
in the dating game.
32
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,869
How'd you hook up?
33
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,003
Was it a "meet cute"?
34
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,206
Meet... cute?
35
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,641
You know, like, uh,
like in the movies.
36
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,343
She's carrying groceries,
and you bump into her
37
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,445
and she spills them
and you try to help her
38
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,348
pick 'em back up, and you bonk
heads, and she's concerned
39
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,451
she might have a concussion,
so you tell her you're a doctor,
40
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,619
and you keep up the ruse until
after she's fallen in love
41
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,488
with you, at which
point you confess
42
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,357
that you're not the man
she thought you were,
43
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,425
and she's furious and
never wants to talk to you,
44
00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:32,860
but you go to her place of work,
45
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,495
and you make a
complete fool of yourself
46
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,096
by declaring your
undying love for her
47
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,465
during an important
business meeting.
48
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:40,901
Thankfully, the meeting
is with Japanese bankers
49
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,636
who find you charming.
50
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,305
And they give her
the big account,
51
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,973
after which you scoop
her into your arms
52
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,642
and ask her to marry you, and
you live happily ever after.
53
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:54,682
In Portland.
54
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,419
Um... no.
55
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:02,956
She's a dermatologist
56
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:06,760
Oh, well, that's cute, too.
57
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,629
So, uh, what's her
name? How old is she?
58
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,732
Uh, her name's Michelle,
and I'm guessing mid-'30s.
59
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,367
Ooh! Almost age-appropriate.
60
00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:17,405
Oh, say, if I took a picture
of a strange wart on my toe,
61
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,408
would you show it to her
and ask if it's normal?
62
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,510
Sure, I'll pull
it out over dinner.
63
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,578
Come on! She's a dermatologist,
64
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,447
and I have a hideous
growth on my foot.
65
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,749
The hideous growth
on your foot is you.
66
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:35,055
You know what,
I'll email you a jpeg.
67
00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:37,825
You'll know when
the moment is right.
68
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:40,794
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
69
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:44,164
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
70
00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:47,301
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
71
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,370
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
72
00:02:49,437 --> 00:03:04,452
* Men, men, men, men...
73
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,455
* Men.
74
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,122
Hey, Alan.
75
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,591
Listen--
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
76
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,294
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
77
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,964
What are you doing?
78
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,432
Nothing.
79
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:22,135
Right. Having a
little "me" time.
80
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,306
Wasn't little until you came in.
81
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,175
What do you want?
82
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:30,644
In case I get lucky and this
girl comes back here tonight,
83
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,079
I need you to
make yourself scarce.
84
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,447
No problem.
85
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:34,815
I don't want to see
you or your wart.
86
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,517
Got it.
87
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:37,618
Good.
88
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,355
Oh! Try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
89
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,823
Pudding girls?
90
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:43,891
Trust me.
91
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,162
Malibu...
92
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,098
pudding girls...
93
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,100
com.
94
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,903
Oh! Yikes.
95
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,738
* Men.
96
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:58,739
Right here?
97
00:03:58,806 --> 00:03:59,707
That's great.
98
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,314
How's your tush?
99
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,683
Fine. How are
your boobs?
100
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,553
I meant, how is it feeling
since I took the mole off?
101
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,988
Oh! A little tender,
but still functional.
102
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:15,989
That's good.
103
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:16,724
It's not fair, though.
104
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,326
What?
105
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,993
Well, you've seen mine
and I haven't seen yours.
106
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,629
That's true, isn't it?
107
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:24,498
We're going to have to figure
out a way for you to get even.
108
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,234
Okay, show me
your ass.
109
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,370
You're terrible!
110
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:33,374
How are you at those
trivia questions?
111
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,377
Well, let's see.
112
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:37,745
"Which TV shows
jump-started
113
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,113
these movie stars'
film careers?"
114
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,114
Okay.
115
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:43,884
George Clooney. ER.
116
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,686
Nice.
117
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:48,489
Leonardo DiCaprio--
Growing Pains.
118
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,257
Oh, I didn't know that.
119
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:52,460
Oh, yeah. The last season.
120
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,628
John Travolta.
121
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,464
Um...
122
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,298
(whispers):
Welcome Back, Kotter.
123
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,433
Oh. Good memory.
124
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,801
How could I forget?
125
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,136
It was my favorite
show in high school.
126
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:06,073
You mean it was your
favorite show
127
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,941
set in high
school, right?
128
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,309
Oh, no, no.
129
00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:11,579
In tenth grade I had a
giant crush on Travolta.
130
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:15,015
But... wasn't that show
on in like the '70s?
131
00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,484
Yeah.
132
00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:21,154
So... you were in high
school in the '70's?
133
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:22,756
Uh-huh.
134
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,225
Were you like, really,
really smart
135
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,227
and skipped a
bunch of grades?
136
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:28,429
Uh-uh.
137
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,433
I'm 47, Charlie.
138
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:36,570
Oh. Okay. I wasn't even
thinking about that.
139
00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:39,072
Really. What were
you thinking about?
140
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:42,476
Uh... You know, the whole
Scientology thing
141
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,646
with Travolta and Cruise.
What's that all about?
142
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:47,748
How old are you?
You know how old I am.
143
00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,517
I filled it out on
my medical form.
144
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:51,819
Oh, you are not 36, Charlie.
145
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,954
Even your mole
was older than that.
146
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,089
Did I write 36?
147
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,090
Yeah.
148
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,158
I meant 40...
149
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,728
two.
150
00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:04,432
Three.
151
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,400
So I'm out with
a younger man.
152
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,771
Sexy.
153
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:14,442
Yeah. Cool.
154
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,043
* Men.
155
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,111
Do you want to come
in for some coffee?
156
00:06:18,178 --> 00:06:21,415
Oh, gee, I'd love
to, but, um...
157
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:23,016
But what?
158
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,519
Well, this isn't something I
normally say on a first date,
159
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,021
but my left ass cheek
is throbbing.
160
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:31,725
Oh, you poor baby. Do you want
me to take a look at it?
161
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,261
No, no, that'd just
be a pity peek.
162
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,997
I'm-I'm-I'm sure it's fine.
163
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,399
But I-- I should go.
164
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,368
Okay.
165
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,670
Well, I suppose
you'll call me,
166
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,304
if you want to
get together again.
167
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,839
Absolutely, I will.
168
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,274
Good night.
169
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:49,409
Good night.
170
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,612
You've got my
number, right?
171
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:53,447
Indeed, I do.
172
00:06:57,585 --> 00:07:01,288
Forty-seven.
173
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,857
* Men.
174
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,193
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
175
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,928
Whoa!
176
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:10,898
Oh, Alan, again?
177
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,466
I-It's not what it looks like.
178
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,234
Hey, I get it.
179
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,570
You're bored. You're lonely.
You can't afford a hooker.
180
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,506
But come on, keep
it in your room!
181
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,909
Okay, i-in my defense, I wasn't
expecting you home till later.
182
00:07:21,975 --> 00:07:24,612
Plus, it felt a little
naughtier out here.
183
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,013
You know, in public.
184
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,615
You want naughty?
185
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,150
Go yank it on the pitcher's
mound at Dodger Stadium.
186
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,451
Ooh, clever.
187
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:35,255
Seventh-inning stretch.
188
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,391
You realize I now
have to burn the couch.
189
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,627
Well, if you're
going to do that,
190
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,162
you might want to burn
the deck chair, too.
191
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,498
Oh, God, Alan.
192
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,132
So how was
your evening?
193
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,700
Fine.
194
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,802
I thought you were planning
on bringing her back here.
195
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,639
And yet you were twanging
your magic clanger
196
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:53,807
right in the middle
of the living room.
197
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:56,910
I lost track of time. Sue me.
198
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,579
So, uh, what went
wrong with your date?
199
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,113
Nothing went wrong.
200
00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:03,851
She's terrific. She's
beautiful. She's smart.
201
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:04,885
But...?
202
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,654
She's 47.
203
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,657
You said she was
in her mid-'30s.
204
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,991
That's what I thought.
205
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,660
Apparently,
dermatologists
206
00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:17,064
know how to take really
good care of their skin.
207
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,498
Or she's a witch.
208
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,935
I don't understand. You liked
her when you thought she was 35.
209
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:22,836
What changed?
210
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,773
I found out she's 47.
211
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,208
Oh, come on.
47's just a number.
212
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,409
A big number.
213
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,178
A scary number.
214
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,414
Are you really that
superficial, vain, and shallow?
215
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,984
Yes, yes, and yes.
216
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,053
Probably the deepest thing about
me is a little pit on my ass
217
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,589
where a mole used to be.
218
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,857
But fish can swim
in shallow water.
219
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,893
What the hell's that
supposed to mean?
220
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:49,462
I don't know, I'm a
little dehydrated.
221
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,031
What I'm trying to say
222
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,901
is that it's silly to throw away
a promising relationship
223
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,803
based on an arbitrary number.
224
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:59,740
It's not arbitrary.
She's really 47.
225
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:03,644
47! That's like ten
years older than me.
226
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:06,279
Why do you do that?
227
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,216
I'm your brother.
228
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,484
I know exactly how old you are.
229
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:14,788
The point is, the minute I
found out she was older than me,
230
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,857
I started looking at her
in a whole different way.
231
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:17,825
And what way is that?
232
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,727
Like, she's a woman who,
233
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:22,495
when I'm 52, she'll be 60.
234
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,398
You'll be 56.
235
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:28,301
What are you, the math police?
236
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,070
You know what this is
really about, don't you?
237
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:33,874
Yeah. When I'm 58,
she'll be 70!
238
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,542
You're really going
to keep doing this?
239
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,110
I can't help myself.
240
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:38,879
Look at it this way:
241
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:42,783
When she's 70, you're likely
to have been dead for ten years.
242
00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:46,920
Actually, that does make
me feel a little better.
243
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,656
I'll tell you one
thing, Charlie.
244
00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:51,925
I would give anything to find
someone I enjoy being with,
245
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,661
who's close to my own age,
246
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,629
and who I can
really connect with.
247
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,031
Look no further, Alan.
248
00:09:58,098 --> 00:09:59,099
You've found her.
249
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,443
You do get me, don't you?
250
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,444
* Men.
251
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,446
I gotta be
honest with you.
252
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:16,383
I didn't think I was ever
going to hear from you again.
253
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,584
Why would you think that?
254
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,753
I don't know-- the age thing.
255
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,489
Oh, come on.
It's just a number.
256
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,490
I like you.
257
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,992
I'm attracted to you.
258
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,860
Plus, there's no way anybody
looks at you and thinks,
259
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:28,662
"This is a
47-year-old woman."
260
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,063
Thank you.
261
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,399
Hey, we're only as
old as we feel, right?
262
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,101
Right.
263
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,870
So I say, for all intents
and purposes, you and I?
264
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:38,839
Couple of 35-year-olds.
265
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,641
Agreed. We're 35.
266
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,212
Hi, Mom.
267
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,950
That's my daughter.
268
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:53,186
For all intents and
purposes, she's eight.
269
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,157
* Men.
270
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,393
* Men.
271
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,695
Shauna, this is Charlie.
272
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,163
SHAUNA:
Yeah, hey.
Sorry to interrupt.
273
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,564
I just came to pick up
my snowboard stuff.
274
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:05,465
Why?
275
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:06,734
What do you mean, why?
276
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,068
I'm going to Mammoth
for a few days.
277
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:08,702
With who?
278
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:09,837
What do you care?
279
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,338
I'm your mother.
280
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:12,372
Should I go?
281
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,707
No, no, it's fine.
282
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:14,908
Who are you going with?
283
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:15,809
His name's Jeremy.
284
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:16,944
You happy?
285
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,746
Jeremy?
What happened to Sarah?
286
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:20,247
Sarah and I broke up.
287
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,882
(mouthing)
288
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:23,884
MICHELLE:
When were you
gonna tell me this?
289
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:25,185
Mom, I'm 20 years old;
290
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,254
my personal life
is none of your business.
291
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,857
(mouthing)
292
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,859
As long as you're my daughter,
it's my business.
293
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,160
Tell me about Jeremy.
294
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,161
What's to tell?
295
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,428
He's a nice guy.
296
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,429
He's Sarah's roommate.
297
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:37,397
Wait a minute.
298
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,631
You broke up
with Sarah
299
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,133
so you could hook up
with her roommate?
300
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,634
No, no.
301
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,504
We were all hooking up together,
but then Sarah got all weird
302
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:45,906
even though it was her idea.
303
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:48,241
Don't you just
hate that?
304
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:55,849
Are you telling me that the
three of you had sex together?
305
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,050
Hey, you're the one who said
306
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,451
I should explore
all my options in life.
307
00:11:58,518 --> 00:12:01,654
I was talking about grad
school, not threesomes!
308
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,924
I'm so sorry you
have to hear this.
309
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:04,892
No, no, no, it's fine.
310
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:07,127
Pretend I'm not here.
311
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,330
I also need
to borrow some money.
312
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,832
Shauna, how do you
expect to pay me back?
313
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:12,966
I still have a job.
314
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,667
A webcam in
your bathroom
315
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,636
and a PayPal account
is not a job!
316
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,072
(groans weakly)
317
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,041
I admit, it's not
making much money.
318
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,376
But that's because there's
so much free porn out there!
319
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:24,411
She's got a point.
320
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:28,148
The whole pay-to-peek
industry is dying.
321
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,150
Thank you.
You're welcome.
322
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,853
And if I could
just throw in my two cents here.
323
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,421
Michelle, your
daughter's at that time
324
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:37,057
in her life where she's got
to make her own choices,
325
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,826
and it doesn't matter if
they're right or wrong.
326
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,193
Either way,
she learns.
327
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,795
But I'm just trying
to protect her.
328
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,496
You can't protect her.
329
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,733
All you can do is love her and
be there for her no matter what.
330
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,936
I am there for her.
331
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,237
You know that, right?
332
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,239
Yeah, I do.
333
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:53,907
Come here.
334
00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:00,213
(groans weakly)
335
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:00,713
What?
336
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:01,849
I should go.
337
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:03,250
Oh, no, no,
it's okay.
338
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,885
Really, I got to go.
And you should have
339
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:05,886
this time with your daughter.
340
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,619
Are you sure?
341
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:08,188
Absolutely.
342
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,622
I'll call you tomorrow.
Nice to meet you, Shauna.
343
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:12,125
Nice to meet you, too.
344
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:17,330
It's wrong, it's wrong,
it's so wrong.
345
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:19,732
Oh, what the hell?
346
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,836
Let's try ShaunaShower.com.
347
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,337
* Men.
348
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:39,386
(mariachi music playing)
349
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,937
Oh, for God's sake!
Hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa!
350
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,271
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
351
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,708
It's not what it looks like!
352
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,310
Well, that's a relief.
353
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,577
'Cause it looks like
you were masturbating
354
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,013
to mariachi music in your car.
355
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,380
What do you want?
356
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,816
I only get AM radio!
357
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,484
* Men.
358
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:14,187
CHARLIE:
Alan?
359
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,224
In here.
(TV playing)
360
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,326
Is it safe?
361
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:21,361
Yes.
362
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:32,505
We cool here?
363
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,709
Yes.
364
00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,178
Relax.
365
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,916
You do realize you have
a serious problem.
366
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,351
It's not my fault.
367
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,418
Really?
368
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,419
Whose fault is it?
369
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,754
Big pharma.
370
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:49,589
(turns off TV)
371
00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,058
Who the hell's big pharma?
372
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,459
You know,
the pharmaceutical companies
373
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,828
that make boner pills
that last 36 hours.
374
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:58,065
You took a boner pill?
375
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,067
I had to.
The pills were about to expire.
376
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,869
But you didn't have a woman.
377
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,272
Hence the constant masturbation.
378
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,340
You know how expensive
those things are.
379
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,343
I'm simply trying to
get my money's worth.
380
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:15,015
So this non-stop whack-a-thon
is just 'cause you're cheap?
381
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,517
And horny.
382
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,751
And nuts.
383
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:20,587
Semantics.
384
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,990
Why the car?
385
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,857
You said
"not in the living room."
386
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,494
Did I say "in the car"?
387
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:28,861
Well, I didn't plan it.
388
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,598
I was gonna go to the movies
and I got distracted.
389
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:35,402
What could possibly distract you
from driving out of the garage?
390
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,369
Think about it.
391
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,638
Slipping the key into the hole.
392
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,443
Gently turning it.
393
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:47,147
Pumping the gas
until the engine starts purring.
394
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:50,617
I'm thinking about it
and I'm still going with nuts.
395
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:54,521
Well, unlike you, I did not have
female companionship tonight.
396
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,089
Well, as it turns out,
neither did I.
397
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,524
What happened?
398
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:01,361
You really expect me
to share my personal problems
399
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,730
with a self-abusing zoo monkey?
400
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:07,634
Who else you got?
401
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,869
(sighs)
402
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:10,837
All right, here's the deal.
403
00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,305
I went back to Michelle,
404
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,307
determined to take the whole
age thing off the table.
405
00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,109
Good for you.
Very mature.
406
00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,211
And it was going great,
until her daughter walks in.
407
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,179
She has a daughter?
408
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:22,582
Not just a daughter, Alan.
409
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,284
A 20-year-old daughter.
410
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:25,652
A gorgeous daughter.
411
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:27,220
A bisexual daughter.
412
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,389
Summing up:
413
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,658
a 20-year-old, gorgeous,
bisexual daughter.
414
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:32,459
Got it.
415
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,660
What did you do?
416
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,528
What could I do?
I got the hell out of there.
417
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,596
Why?
418
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,464
What do you mean, why?
419
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,631
You know me.
420
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,433
If I continue a relationship
with Michelle,
421
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,036
at some point, I'm gonna try
to nail her daughter.
422
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:47,407
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
423
00:16:47,474 --> 00:16:50,043
but as sure as your speedometer
could use a Handi Wipe,
424
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,979
it will happen.
425
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,947
So you're breaking up
with Michelle?
426
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,383
I have to!
427
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,418
And then you're gonna
hit on the daughter.
428
00:16:58,485 --> 00:16:59,452
No, no, no, no.
429
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,054
I'm getting away
from both of them.
430
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,722
I figure it's better
to hurt Michelle
431
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,524
a little now than a lot later.
432
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:05,325
Oh.
433
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,194
Well, color me impressed.
434
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,496
You're making
a decision
435
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,531
that's considerate
and selfless.
436
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,466
Putting aside, of
course, the fact that
437
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,436
the motivation for the decision
is sordid and despicable.
438
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,537
Thank you.
439
00:17:18,771 --> 00:17:21,941
Seriously though,
the daughter is unbelievable.
440
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:24,811
She actually has some kind of
porn site on the Internet.
441
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,813
Really?
442
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,718
Apparently, there's a webcam
in her bathroom.
443
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:32,852
Mm.
444
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,387
Can you imagine?
445
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:37,824
A 20-year-old co-ed in
the shower with her girlfriend,
446
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,459
soaping each other up?
447
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,100
Something to ponder.
448
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,603
Excuse me.
449
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:02,749
(mariachi music playing)
450
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:13,726
Actually, not a bad idea.
451
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,862
* Men.
452
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,532
ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
453
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:20,800
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
454
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,135
Aw, geez, Zippy!
455
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:25,738
What are you doing
with the pudding?
456
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,340
* Men.
457
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,542
Well, I guess I
appreciate your honesty.
458
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,646
I just think it wouldn't be fair
to start a relationship with you
459
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,082
knowing I'm still
not over Chelsea.
460
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,384
No, it's
understandable.
461
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,252
She was your
fiancée.
462
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:42,689
I've tried to stop thinking
about her, and I can't.
463
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:45,225
And I like you too much
to risk our relationship
464
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,959
being some kind of
a rebound thing.
465
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,461
All right.
466
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,563
I guess I just have
to accept that.
467
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,798
Thank you.
468
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,101
Bye.
469
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,669
Bye.
470
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:58,871
You know what, Jeremy?
471
00:18:58,938 --> 00:18:59,872
Just go to hell.
472
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,708
You're a childish jerk.
473
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:03,843
Oh, hey.
474
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:04,911
You okay?
475
00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,379
I guess.
476
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:09,048
Just thought this guy
was something he's not.
477
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,550
Well, he's young,
478
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:13,019
and, you know, women
mature faster than boys.
479
00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,655
That is so true.
480
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:19,692
Have you considered
dating someone a little older?
481
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,730
I tried that once;
it was disgusting.
482
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,932
Really?
483
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,634
The guy was almost 35.
484
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,303
It was like sleeping with
my grandfather.
485
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,105
No kidding.
486
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,841
He could only do it
twice in a row
487
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,843
before he needed to take a nap.
488
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,911
Uh-huh.
489
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,581
Excuse me.
490
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:42,982
Hey, Michelle,
good news!
491
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,851
I think I'm
over Chelsea!
492
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,853
* Men.
493
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,561
*
494
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,563
ALAN:
Hey, hey, hey!
Whoa, whoa!
495
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,532
It's not what
it looks like!
496
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,634
* Men.
497
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,704
So... you feel like
going again?
498
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,539
Uh, sure.
499
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,608
I just need, you know,
a little nap first.
500
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:11,344
Geez, Charlie,
what are you gonna be like
501
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:12,745
when you're my age?
502
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,714
Ooh, ouch.
503
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,549
I'm kidding.
504
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:17,484
Come here.
505
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,587
(cell phone ringing)
506
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,589
Hang on.
507
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,827
What do you
want, Alan?
508
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:28,828
Arrested?
509
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,697
For what?
510
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,333
Oh, Alan.
511
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,468
What was the movie?
512
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,969
You're right,
doesn't matter.
513
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,805
Okay, I'm on my way.
514
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:40,773
Where you going?
515
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:41,808
Nowhere.
516
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,876
(laughs)
517
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,513
* Men.
34863
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