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1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,271
* Men.
2
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,005
All righty.
Here we go.
3
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,675
$38.41 for
school pictures.
4
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,676
Thanks.
5
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:10,878
You forgot to sign it.
6
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,480
No. Did I?
7
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,448
Oh! Silly me.
8
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:18,619
Um. Alan... Jerome... Harper...
9
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,188
D.C.
10
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,456
District of Columbia?
11
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,727
Doctor of Chiropractic.
12
00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:29,463
You know, not everyone can use
those letters after his name.
13
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,665
Congratulations.
Give me the check.
14
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:35,769
You put the wrong date.
15
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,571
Oh. Did I?
16
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:38,972
Yeah, see? It's
for next month?
17
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,574
Oh! Uh, don't worry about that,
18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,443
that's just for
bookkeeping purposes.
19
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,512
This isn't going to be
like the check you gave me
20
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,347
for the field trip
to Catalina, is it?
21
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,449
Hey, hey, that was
the bank's mistake.
22
00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:50,551
Yeah? Well, the teacher
made me stay on the boat
23
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,886
while everyone else went
swimming with dolphins.
24
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,822
Dolphins carry disease, Jake.
25
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:58,726
Alan Harper, D.I.C.
26
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,328
You're welcome!
27
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,862
JAKE:
You're cheap.
28
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,197
I'm not cheap,
I'm broke!
29
00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:04,565
ALAN:
There's a difference.
30
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,767
He was cheap long
before he was broke.
31
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:11,405
If you knew what I'd done
on that table recently,
32
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:14,242
you wouldn't put
your face on it.
33
00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,146
I don't get it, Charlie.
34
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,414
I'm a good guy, I try
to do the right thing,
35
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,049
and I have nothing
to show for it.
36
00:01:22,116 --> 00:01:24,185
Are you still grinding
on the fact that you
37
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,286
finally met a great gal,
38
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,487
moved in with her,
39
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,021
had a house you
could call your own,
40
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,158
then burned it down along
with all your possessions
41
00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:32,926
and watched her run off
with her ex-husband?
42
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:36,297
Was it really necessary
to list the entire fiasco?
43
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:39,967
I enjoy the
occasional recap.
44
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,235
But look at the bright side.
45
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,236
What bright side?
46
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,037
I just got a big residual check,
47
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:44,872
and I'm heading to Vegas!
48
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,374
Oh, my God!
49
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,842
Do you have any idea
how long it would take me
50
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:49,877
to earn that kind of money?
51
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,379
Oh, don't think like that.
52
00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,447
You're never going
to earn that kind of money.
53
00:01:54,982 --> 00:01:55,983
(groans)
54
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:56,984
Seriously-- table.
55
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:58,752
(groans):
Oh...!
56
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,755
Okay, I know I give
you a hard time,
57
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:05,926
but it makes me feel horrible
watching you go through this.
58
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,094
You know what
I'm going to do?
59
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,162
What?
60
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,863
Stop watching you.
61
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,867
I'm starting to
feel better already.
62
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,771
CHARLIE:
Table!
63
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,608
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
64
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:23,744
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
65
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,281
* Men.
66
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,717
Okay, I'm out of here.
67
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,985
Bye.
68
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,587
Oh, Zippy.
69
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,056
I can't stand seeing
you like this.
70
00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:38,659
You going to
Vegas, too?
71
00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:40,361
I wish.
72
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:45,733
You know, I've been
where you are.
73
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,701
What'd you do on the table?
74
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,943
No... I've been
down and out.
75
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,445
I've lost everything,
76
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,513
didn't know where my next
meal was coming from.
77
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,581
Really?
78
00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,683
Felt like I was all
alone in the world.
79
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:03,851
No friends.
80
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,754
Nobody who gave a damn
whether I lived or died.
81
00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,222
What'd you do?
82
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:11,559
Well, first thing I did
was pick myself up,
83
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:15,195
dust myself off, and rat out
my ex-boyfriend to the Feds.
84
00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,197
You're kidding.
85
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,567
Got a $2,500 reward from
86
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,802
the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco, and Firearms.
87
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:25,973
Took that, and invested
it in a pallet of
88
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,441
counterfeit
Jordache jeans,
89
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,177
set up a booth at the
Rose Bowl swap meet.
90
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,479
Made a killing.
91
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,546
Really?
92
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,248
Took those profits
and opened up
93
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:36,384
a little donut shop,
across the street
94
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,919
from a police station...
95
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,288
Can't miss, right?
96
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,692
Turns out, cops don't
like paying for donuts.
97
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,997
Lost my ass.
98
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:53,334
Had to go to work cleaning
toilets for strangers.
99
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:55,803
What's the point
of this story?
100
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:59,740
I just wanted you to know
I've had a colorful past.
101
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,845
Good night.
102
00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,547
(groans)
103
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,716
It was a hell of a story.
104
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,452
* Men.
105
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,921
Jake, I'm going to take a nap.
106
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,574
(groans)
107
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:10,310
(groans)
108
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,014
(thud, grunt)
109
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:17,618
Ow.
110
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,466
Oh...
111
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,603
Egyptian cotton.
112
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,805
(hums "Streets of Cairo")
113
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:47,047
Might as well take a nap
in style for a change.
114
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,125
Oh, yeah.
115
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,330
No wonder he can
have so much sex.
116
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:06,233
The mattress does half the work.
117
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:09,637
Oh, hello.
118
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:12,239
New TV.
119
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,107
Hmm, remote.
120
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:17,144
Remote, where is
the remote?
121
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,150
Poor Charlie.
122
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,153
Went to Vegas
and forgot his hooker money.
123
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,124
Oh, here we go.
124
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:45,338
What the hell?
125
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,909
You sick bastard.
126
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,844
Oh...
127
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,914
This would be terrific
with a woman.
128
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,360
Ugh.
129
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:11,064
My ass cannot be that big.
130
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,033
Ugh...
131
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,740
Who's your daddy?
132
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:21,575
Who's your daddy?
133
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,877
Unfortunately,
you are.
134
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:26,446
Hey, buddy.
135
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,881
Uh, what
are you doing up here?
136
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,183
You're on the TV downstairs.
137
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:35,222
Yes, well, there's a very
good explanation for that.
138
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,223
I'm listening.
139
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,491
It never happened.
140
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,061
Understood. Daddy.
141
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,932
* Men.
142
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:47,668
Yeah, hi, this is Charlie Harper
in the garden suite.
143
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:50,037
I'm going to need a couple
more pillows and some ice.
144
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:51,038
Thank you.
145
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:57,244
Okay, this is nice...
146
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,513
quiet... private...
147
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,181
(knocking on door)
148
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,550
Come on in.
149
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,654
Mr. Harper?
150
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,656
Call me Charlie.
151
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,324
All right, Charlie.
152
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,325
Call me Kendra.
153
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:15,395
Can I call you Nurse Kendra?
154
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:17,464
If you like.
155
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:18,832
Ooh, I like.
156
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:23,036
I gotta tell you, Nurse Kendra,
I'm a little nervous.
157
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,805
I've never done anything
like this before.
158
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:27,641
Oh! A newbie.
Well, don't worry.
159
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,409
You're in good hands.
160
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,911
Is it going to hurt?
161
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:35,282
Maybe a little soreness
afterwards... some bruising...
162
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,719
Well, I guess that's
what I'm paying for, right?
163
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,921
Hello, Mr. Harper!
164
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,590
Welcome to the
Schenkman Clinic.
165
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:46,359
We have you down for an eye lift
and a neck tuck in the morning.
166
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,728
That's correct.
167
00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,763
Is there anything else
you'd like done
168
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:50,831
while you're out?
169
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,232
Little lipo? Nose job?
170
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,233
Penis enlargement?
171
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,534
No, no. No, thanks.
172
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,969
And for the record,
173
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,338
I got a penis enlargement
when you walked in the room.
174
00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,708
Thank you.
175
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,211
You have any questions?
Concerns?
176
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,780
I don't think so, I just want
to make sure I look natural,
177
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,281
like I haven't
had any work done.
178
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,416
No. Don't you worry.
179
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,084
My work is undetectable.
180
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,553
In fact, you might be surprised
to learn that Kendra here
181
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,989
is a 62-year-old black man.
182
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:19,760
I'm kidding.
183
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:23,230
But those boobs?
Those are Schenkman's.
184
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,966
I'm not sure I want my eyes
to pop out like that.
185
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,401
You're going to look great.
See you in the morning.
186
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,738
Thank you, Doc.
187
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,239
Anything else you need?
188
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,907
I think I'm okay.
189
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:35,776
Wait, wait, wait.
190
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:36,910
There is one thing.
191
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,113
No, you can't see them.
192
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,281
Then I'm good.
193
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,619
* Men.
194
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:46,954
(doorbell rings)
195
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,823
ALAN:
Jake! Your mom's here!
196
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:56,897
Hey.
197
00:09:56,964 --> 00:10:00,333
Well, I guess it
was probably inevitable.
198
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,301
What? Oh!
199
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,970
Oh, the clothes.
200
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,773
Well, as you know, most
of mine burned up in the fire,
201
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,308
and Charlie's in Vegas,
so I figured, why not?
202
00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:10,143
Because you look like an idiot.
203
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:11,912
Hey, Mom.
204
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:13,146
Hi.
Bye, buddy.
205
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,983
Get help.
206
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,987
Wish I could afford it!
207
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:23,924
Oh, man.
208
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:28,495
My life is pathetic.
209
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,698
On the other hand...
210
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,167
Charlie's life is great.
211
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,204
Bartender!
212
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,739
Drinks for everybody!
213
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:40,607
(everyone cheering)
214
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:43,310
Just house brands.
215
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,378
Hi. Charlie Harper.
216
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,647
* Men.
217
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,583
* Men.
218
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,720
Wow! A house
on the beach.
219
00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,021
That's awesome,
Charlie.
220
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:56,690
Well, I suppose it
must seem that way.
221
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,658
I mean, you'd think
driving around town
222
00:10:58,726 --> 00:10:59,793
in a big,
brand-new Mercedes
223
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,695
would also be pretty awesome.
224
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:02,863
And-- and it is.
225
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:05,198
Um, but, at the end
of the day,
226
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,735
doesn't matter
how much stuff you have.
227
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,737
What matters is
what's in here.
228
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,605
Oh, what is in here?
229
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,708
Oh! Pfft! More cash.
230
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,210
How about that?
231
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,413
And you got all that
just by writing jingles?
232
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,449
I know! Not even a real job.
233
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,452
What can I say? You know,
some of us are very lucky.
234
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:30,023
Very, very...
very lucky.
235
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,859
Charlie?
236
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,962
Yeah.
Charlie.
237
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,431
I mean, yeah!
Charlie!
238
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,000
You want to get
out of here?
239
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,869
Wow! Where'd
that come from?
240
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,103
I thought we
were getting along.
241
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,838
N-No!
242
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:46,373
I mean together.
243
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,440
Someplace quiet?
244
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,977
Oh, yes, uh, yes,
by all means!
245
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,444
Let's go somewhere quiet.
246
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:54,681
Uh, bartender, thank you for
taking such good care of us.
247
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:55,682
Here you go.
248
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:58,151
One, two, three dollars.
249
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,820
Give one of those
to the waitress.
250
00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,621
So, where would
you like to go?
251
00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,924
How about your beach house?
252
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:06,794
Great idea!
253
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,028
Yeah, why go to
Denny's or Appleby's
254
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:09,696
when you have
your own beach house?
255
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:13,233
Come, let us Mercedes
to the beach.
256
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,903
(whispering):
This is so easy.
257
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,705
* Men.
258
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,908
Charlie...
259
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,277
Mom?
260
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,215
Sweet Jesus!
261
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,449
Surprise!
262
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,851
What happened to you?
263
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,519
What are you doing here?
264
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,722
Since I referred you to Dr.
Schenkman, he was kind enough
265
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,390
to offer me a
free chemical peel.
266
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,928
When this heals, I will have
the face of a 12-year-old girl.
267
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,963
Yeah, but from
the neck down,
268
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,165
you'll still be
an Egyptian mummy.
269
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,900
Oh, hush.
270
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,136
I just stopped by
to wish you luck tomorrow.
271
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,003
Well, thanks.
272
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,372
No, wait-- why would
I need luck?
273
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,974
Oh, no reason.
274
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:57,644
That 60 Minutes report
on Dr. Schenkman
275
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,880
was entirely one-sided.
276
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:04,284
Much like that
poor woman's vagina.
277
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,288
Sleep well.
278
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:31,378
Yeah, like I'm going
to sleep at all after that.
279
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,213
* Men.
280
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,716
Welcome to the Casa del Charlie.
281
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,218
Wow.
282
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,920
What a beautiful beach house.
283
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,054
Yes, yes, it is.
284
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,155
Beach is out there.
285
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,657
And just past it,
the ocean.
286
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,193
Oh.
287
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,794
Keep going
and you hit Hawaii.
288
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:48,828
Oh.
289
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,397
Then Japan.
290
00:13:50,463 --> 00:13:54,301
And I guess this is where
you write all your jingles.
291
00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,503
Yup. This is
where the magic happens.
292
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:57,871
(chuckling)
293
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,406
Play me something.
294
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,209
Oh, gosh.
295
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,445
I'd rather not.
296
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,414
Oh, please? For me.
297
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:09,616
Well, if you insist.
298
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:10,617
(anxious laugh)
299
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,524
(plays glissando)
300
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,032
Ah...
301
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:32,605
Here is a little song
you might remember by...
302
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,577
...the immortal...
303
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,449
...Mr. Billy Joel.
304
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,656
(off-key):
* Harry Truman, Doris Day
305
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,591
* Red China, Johnnie Ray
306
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:55,628
* South Pacific,
Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio *
307
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:56,896
* Ho!
308
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,665
* Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon
309
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,800
* Studebaker, television
310
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:03,570
(jabbering)
311
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,738
* Marilyn Monroe
312
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:08,408
* We didn't start the fire
313
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,745
* It was always burning since
the world's been turning *
314
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,215
* We didn't start the fire
315
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:19,319
* No, we didn't light it,
but we tried to fight it *
316
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,688
* We didn't start the fire!
317
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,689
(plays glissando)
318
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,924
(laughing)
319
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:31,331
You're very talented.
320
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,199
Oh, no, no, no.
321
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,101
Billy Joel is very talented.
322
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,169
I'm just a piano man.
323
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,538
I only have one question.
What's that?
324
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:41,474
How long are you going
to pretend to be Charlie Harper?
325
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,713
(off-key):
* Sing us a song
326
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,548
* You're the piano man...
327
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,850
Oh, please... yeah,
give it a rest.
328
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,119
(sighs)
329
00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,586
How'd you know?
330
00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:55,255
I've been with Charlie.
331
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,924
I-I've been in
this house.
332
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,192
Well...
333
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,394
Color me embarrassed.
334
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,998
So...
335
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:06,699
Who are you?
336
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,900
(sighs)
337
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,436
All right. All right.
338
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,771
Here's the truth.
339
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,474
My real name is Derek.
340
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,079
Brick.
341
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,415
House.
342
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:26,453
Derek Brickhouse.
343
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:27,787
Yeah, try again.
344
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,622
(sighs)
All right.
345
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,192
My name is Alan.
I'm-I'm Charlie's brother.
346
00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:33,760
I-I live on his
fold-out couch.
347
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,028
I'm-I'm sorry.
I'll drive you back.
348
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,263
Hang on.
349
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,031
I didn't say I
wanted to go.
350
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:41,034
Oh, no, but I thought
it was kind of implied.
351
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,870
I'm having a good
time, aren't you?
352
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:47,006
Well, not now.
353
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,242
I was.
354
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:51,678
When I was Charlie.
355
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:54,114
And Billy Joel.
356
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,049
Who else do
you like to be?
357
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:57,417
What do you mean?
358
00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:02,589
I think role-playing
is kind of a turn-on.
359
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,723
No kidding.
360
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,158
Yeah.
361
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,726
That's why I came
back here with you.
362
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,828
Makes some guys nervous.
363
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,862
Your brother hated it.
364
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:11,098
Well, I am not my brother.
365
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,465
(laughing)
366
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,001
As you so adroitly
pointed out.
367
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,070
Come on.
368
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:18,738
Oh, boy.
369
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,607
Role playing.
370
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:22,509
Can I be the man?
371
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:23,976
Are you serious?
372
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:28,415
Well, I've had
a bad run lately.
373
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,782
* Men.
374
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,784
Mr. Harper.
375
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:35,155
Mr. Harper.
376
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,623
How are you feeling?
377
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,658
Okay.
378
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:39,859
How'd it go?
379
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,661
It went great.
380
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,731
And the doctor decided
to give you a bonus.
381
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,733
Check 'em out.
382
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,272
Oh, no, no.
383
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,673
I didn't ask for these.
384
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,142
But you haven't
even seen them yet.
385
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:58,878
I don't want to see them.
386
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,813
Hang on.
387
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:09,822
You know, this could work.
388
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,299
* Men.
389
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:22,335
So, Gretchen, what exactly
was the role playing
390
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,003
that freaked Charlie out
so much?
391
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,672
GRETCHEN:
Hang on. You'll see.
392
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,740
I'm just glad you're not
as uptight as he is.
393
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:30,877
Well, as you know, I'm
capable of bending the rules
394
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,879
and going with the flow.
395
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:49,929
(with German accent):
What do you think,
396
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:52,131
Schweinhund?
397
00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:00,473
Not a deal-breaker.
398
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,675
* Men.
399
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,978
* Men.
400
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,580
Honey, I'm home.
401
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:11,050
ALAN:
In the kitchen.
402
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,253
Kids okay?
403
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,357
How's the Beaver?
404
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,426
Everybody's fine.
How's Vegas?
405
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,761
You know, the usual.
406
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:22,762
How was your weekend?
407
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:23,996
Pretty good.
408
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,199
I met a girl.
409
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,674
Did her name happen
to be Gretchen?
410
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,509
Jawohl.
411
00:19:39,712 --> 00:19:41,448
That's indelible marker,
you know.
I know.
412
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,350
Don't worry, it'll
come off in a few weeks.
413
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,551
That's what I figured.
414
00:19:44,617 --> 00:19:46,553
Does she still have
her little mustache?
415
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,821
You know, down
at the Russian front?
416
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:52,124
I wouldn't know
what she's got.
417
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,227
I was blindfolded
and hog-tied.
418
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,396
Right, right, right.
419
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:58,164
Why are you wearing
sunglasses?
420
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,232
No reason.
421
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,300
Why don't you take them off?
422
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,502
Okay, fine.
423
00:20:02,569 --> 00:20:04,704
You might as well know.
424
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:08,975
Bar fight.
425
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,344
Oh, no. What happened?
426
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:13,813
Eh, some bikers were giving
a stripper a hard time,
427
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,214
so I jumped in.
428
00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,048
You're kidding.
429
00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,484
You know me.
430
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,786
I can't stand to see
a naked, high-heeled,
431
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,954
glitter-covered,
ping-pong-ball-shooting
432
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,524
woman in distress.
433
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:29,796
Wow.
That-That sounds very brave.
434
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:30,963
Good for you.
435
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,699
Thank you.
436
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:33,800
Uh, Charlie?
437
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,302
Yeah?
438
00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,503
Uh, if you're going
to go with that story,
439
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,870
you might want to ask mom
440
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,772
to stop telling people
you had your eyes done.
441
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,841
Damn.
442
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,612
The mummy strikes again.
443
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:51,851
You know, it's actually
not a bad look.
444
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,287
Shame one guy had
to ruin it for everybody.
445
00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,789
* Men.
28702
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