Original subtitles

♪♪

-Live from Hollywood,

at the Donald J. Trump Chinese Theatre,

it's the 1st annual Trumps --

the awards honoring the best in being

or succumbing to President Trump.

And now your host, President Donald J. Trump!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hello. Thank you so much.

It truly is an honor to be here hosting the Trumps.

After that lady whose name I already forget

gave me her Nobel Prize, I thought, "I need more awards."

And after what all my little freaks and psychos

in ICE have been doing, I need more distractions.

Look, everything's gold and shiny.

And what a crowd we have tonight.

So many awful, terrible people in the house.

I'd like to get a round of applause going for the nominees,

but my doctors say if I clap,

both my dead purple hands will explode with blood.

It's probably nothing to worry about.

Doctors say I could live to be 120 or current age.

You know, this is such a special night.

Everyone wants to go home with a trump.

Except, of course, Melania.

Hilarious. Well, we've got a six-hour show ahead of us,

so let's keep things spiraling.

Here to present the award for Best Picture (of Me),

our vice president -- for now -- JD Vance

and president forever, Donald Trump.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

Hi, JD. -Hi, Donald.

Say, did you know if that I win in 2028,

I would be the first president in 100 years to have a beard.

-Wow! And speaking of your beard, how's your wife, Usha?

-Very good, sir. -I'm insinuating you're gay.

The nominees for Best Picture (of Me) are...

-And the award goes to...

It's Trump receiving another fake award.

-This is Donald Trump's first Trump Award,

even though he deserved to win hundreds of them,

but Norway somehow blocked it.

-Wow. Wow. This feels incredible.

I love me. I really love me.

I have so few people to thank.

Myself and, of course, the big man upstairs,

which is what I call my brain tumor.

Yow!

And if I could be serious for a moment,

there is so much horrible stuff going on in our country

and the world right now,

but I promise you, I'm just getting started.

Thank you. Eric, go to bed!

-And now, please welcome the president

of Argentina, Javier Milei.

-[ Speaking Spanish ]

Nada. [ Laughs ]

None.

Ah! But he did include a check for another $10 billion.

This guy is awesome, bro.

-Alright. Adios, amigo.

I'm taking this award,

I'm taking Greenland, and I'm taking Zootopia.

We love Zootopia. I love those guys

I recognize all those animals from my cognitive exams.

Now, here to present the award for Best Kiss

are two legends of horror --

Aunt Gladys from the movie "Weapons"

and my immigration adviser, Stephen Miller.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

-Hi, everyone.

You know, I thought I was terrifying,

until I met this guy.

-Aww. Thank you.

-The nominees for Best Kiss are...

-Kash Patel -- Trump ass.

-And the winner is Kristi Noem!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

-Oh, wow. Oh.

Oh, wow. Wow. Well, I am

honored and in no way dead inside to win a Trump.

I feel like I should dedicate this award to President Trump.

-And I accept! Thank you, sweetie.

-Oh, oh, wait, but I won. -I'mma let you finish,

but Trump had one of the best videos of all time.

Of all time. Kanye. You can go.

-Oh.

-I'll keep this short because I have a lot more

awards to win tonight.

I just want to thank my longtime agent Loki,

the god of mischief, trickery, and chaos.

I wouldn't be able to do this without you, man.

I love you, man.

And now, here to accept the

Lifetime Achievement Award for Comedy,

even though he might not always intend it,

my close ex-friend, Elon Musk.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

-Come on, come on!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, come on. Thank you, thank you!

I'm so emotionless to be here.

And if anyone knows humor, it's me.

You know, no tariffs on humor.

Legalize comedy!

Come on, come on, come on! Let's go!

Unfortunately, it wasn't all laughs this year.

No, not all laughs.

There are a few things we had to say goodbye to

because we destroyed them.

So here to perform a mournful rendition of

"America's Funniest Home Videos" theme,

please welcome Carrie Underwood

and the construction worker for The Village People.

Let's go! Come on! Let's go!

-♪ You're the Red, White, and Blue ♪

♪ The funny things you do ♪

♪ America, America, this is you ♪

♪ America, America,

this is you ♪

-And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!