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♪♪
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-Live from Hollywood,
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at the Donald J. Trump
Chinese Theatre,
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it's the 1st annual Trumps --
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the awards honoring
the best in being
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or succumbing
to President Trump.
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And now your host,
President Donald J. Trump!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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-Hello.
Thank you so much.
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It truly is an honor to be
here hosting the Trumps.
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After that lady
whose name I already forget
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gave me her Nobel Prize,
I thought, "I need more awards."
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And after what all
my little freaks and psychos
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in ICE have been doing,
I need more distractions.
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Look, everything's
gold and shiny.
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And what a crowd
we have tonight.
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So many awful,
terrible people in the house.
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I'd like to get a round of
applause going for the nominees,
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but my doctors say if I clap,
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both my dead purple hands
will explode with blood.
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It's probably nothing
to worry about.
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Doctors say I could live
to be 120 or current age.
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You know,
this is such a special night.
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Everyone wants to go home
with a trump.
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Except, of course, Melania.
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Hilarious. Well, we've got
a six-hour show ahead of us,
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so let's keep things spiraling.
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Here to present the award
for Best Picture (of Me),
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our vice president --
for now -- JD Vance
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and president forever,
Donald Trump.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
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Hi, JD.
-Hi, Donald.
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Say, did you know
if that I win in 2028,
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I would be the first president
in 100 years to have a beard.
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-Wow! And speaking of your
beard, how's your wife, Usha?
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-Very good, sir.
-I'm insinuating you're gay.
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The nominees for
Best Picture (of Me) are...
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-And the award goes to...
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It's Trump receiving
another fake award.
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-This is Donald Trump's
first Trump Award,
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even though he deserved
to win hundreds of them,
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but Norway somehow blocked it.
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-Wow. Wow.
This feels incredible.
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I love me.
I really love me.
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I have so few people to thank.
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Myself and, of course,
the big man upstairs,
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which is what I call
my brain tumor.
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Yow!
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And if I could be serious
for a moment,
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there is so much horrible stuff
going on in our country
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and the world right now,
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but I promise you,
I'm just getting started.
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Thank you.
Eric, go to bed!
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-And now,
please welcome the president
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of Argentina, Javier Milei.
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-[ Speaking Spanish ]
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Nada.
[ Laughs ]
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None.
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Ah! But he did include
a check for another $10 billion.
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This guy is awesome, bro.
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-Alright.
Adios, amigo.
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I'm taking this award,
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I'm taking Greenland,
and I'm taking Zootopia.
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We love Zootopia.
I love those guys
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I recognize all those animals
from my cognitive exams.
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Now, here to present
the award for Best Kiss
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are two legends of horror --
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Aunt Gladys
from the movie "Weapons"
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and my immigration adviser,
Stephen Miller.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
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-Hi, everyone.
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You know,
I thought I was terrifying,
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until I met this guy.
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-Aww. Thank you.
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-The nominees for
Best Kiss are...
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-Kash Patel -- Trump ass.
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-And the winner is
Kristi Noem!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
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-Oh, wow. Oh.
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Oh, wow. Wow.
Well, I am
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honored and in no way dead
inside to win a Trump.
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I feel like I should dedicate
this award to President Trump.
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-And I accept!
Thank you, sweetie.
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-Oh, oh, wait, but I won.
-I'mma let you finish,
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but Trump had one
of the best videos of all time.
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Of all time. Kanye.
You can go.
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-Oh.
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-I'll keep this short
because I have a lot more
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awards to win tonight.
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I just want to thank
my longtime agent Loki,
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the god of mischief,
trickery, and chaos.
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I wouldn't be able to do this
without you, man.
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I love you, man.
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And now, here to accept the
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Lifetime Achievement Award
for Comedy,
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even though
he might not always intend it,
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my close ex-friend, Elon Musk.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
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-Come on, come on!
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Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
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Oh, come on.
Thank you, thank you!
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I'm so emotionless to be here.
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And if anyone knows humor,
it's me.
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You know, no tariffs on humor.
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Legalize comedy!
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Come on, come on, come on!
Let's go!
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Unfortunately, it wasn't
all laughs this year.
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No, not all laughs.
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There are a few things
we had to say goodbye to
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because we destroyed them.
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So here to perform a
mournful rendition of
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"America's Funniest
Home Videos" theme,
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please welcome Carrie Underwood
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and the construction worker for
The Village People.
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Let's go!
Come on! Let's go!
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-♪ You're the
Red, White, and Blue ♪
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♪ The funny things you do ♪
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♪ America, America,
this is you ♪
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♪ America, America,
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this is you ♪
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-And live from New York,
it's "Saturday Night"!
8550
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