All language subtitles for That.70s.Show.S07E07.1080p.Bluray.x265-HiQVE_movieddl.me

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Eric.

I found this in the garage
and I want an explanation.

Okay, when people write stories
and glue the pages together,

it forms what we call a book.

I don't want The Joy of Sex
polluting my house.

The Joy of Sex.
What a load of crap.

That book's for perverts, Red.

You should give it to me
so I can sell it to Fez.

Red, the book is mine.

I put it in the garage
so you would find it.

Uh-oh. I'm late for work.

No, no, no.
I am serious.

It's high time you and I put
some zip back in the bedroom.

Eww!

I got a great idea.

We'll put a TV in the bedroom,
there's your zip.

Okay, I want
the full Fez treatment.

A wash, cream rinse, and a lot of
that wiggly stuff you do with your fingers.

It's magical.

Abracadabra, baby.

So, Danielle,
what's on your schedule today?

I mean,
besides looking beautiful.

Well, looking beautiful is from
10:00 to 12:00, then I have a date.

Ooh, hot date alert.

Tsss!

It's not that hot.

The guy's kind of a knucklehead.

I mean, he's really cute,

but it's like when I talk, he's
not paying attention to me.

Ugh!

I hear this complaint
20 times a day.

You're a treasure.

He should worship you
like a big stone head.

You're so great. You
know, you really get women.

Well, if you mean "get" as in
"understand," then yes, I get them.

But if you mean
"get" as in "get,"

then, no, never.

If I had a woman like you,

I would give her anything
her heart desired.

Maybe I should blow off my
date and go out with a guy like you.

And when I say "a guy like
you," I mean you, specifically.

Wow.

But just to be clear, I still
have a tip coming, right?

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Steven.

Steven, would you
please stop doing that?

You're gonna get all Eric-y.

Give.

Jackie, boys have to play fight

because they secretly
wanna touch each other.

Yeah, you guys wish
you could play fight.

But girls can't, 'cause it
always turns into a real fight.

Are you seriously telling me

that if Jackie and I wanted
to play fight, we couldn't?

Um, let me listen for the echo
of what I just said.

"Girls can't play fight..."
Yep, that's what I think.

I agree. Girls are bitches.

Really?

- Come on,
Jackie, put your dukes up.
- Okay.

Watch and learn, boys.

See? It's all fun and games.

- Ow, you scratched me!
- Aah!

Get off of me, Bigfoot!

Let go of my hair
or I'll pound your tiny ass!

Spoilsport.

Hey, yours was gonna kill mine.

Ladies, that was pathetic.

- What? That wasn't
even real. We're fine.
- Yeah.

I don't know what you're
talking about. I had fun.

Oh, you're so immature!

You guys aren't
going to believe this!

Wait. Were two hot
girls just fighting in here?

No.

Someone is lying.

Anyway.

I was just shampooing this foxy girl,
Danielle, and the next thing I know,

we're making out in
the shampoo closet.

Wait a second.

You're trying to tell me that
you were shampooing a girl

and she got so horny,

she had to make out with you
in the shampoo closet?

That doesn't sound real, man.
That sounds like a Mad Lib.

Yeah, are you sure you
weren't just kissing a mop?

'Cause, man, I've
seen you do that.

No, no.

Danielle kept going on and on

about this adorable
knucklehead she was dating,

and I just sympathized
with her problems.

Well, that makes sense.

I mean, all a woman really
wants is a man who listens.

I listen.

And doesn't pat
himself on the back.

I never pat myself on the back.

So, yeah,
I got that going for me.

You guys,
something happened today

that has never
happened to me before.

Oh, you did long division?

No, I got stood up.

I was supposed to
meet this girl, Danielle,

after her haircut
and she never showed.

- Danielle.
- Danielle?

Okay, wait a second. First
a girl fight and now this?

I vote, "Best Day Ever."

Kelso was
the adorable knucklehead.

Hey, thanks, Fez, but I'm
trying to tell a story here.

Okay, so I've been trying to
figure out why she didn't show,

and I've come to the
only logical conclusion,

she's dead.

Kelso, maybe Danielle met a
guy that she likes better than you.

Don't be crazy, Fez.

Danielle is dead and
we can never bring her back.

Kitty, we don't need
The Joy of Sex.

Well, why not?
It's not dirty.

This book, it doesn't even
have photographs,

just sketches.

But they're so detailed.

They draw in every single part,

and it's not to scale.

Oh, here's a fun idea.

Okay.

Instead of throwing away
our old dish towels,

we can use them as blindfolds

and play a sexy bedroom
version of Marco Polo.

Oh, come on. Don't you want to
be one of those fun, older couples?

Kitty, I want us to grow old
and withdraw into ourselves.

Hey, what's for lunch?

Well, I was thinking
of making something,

but that would mean I would
have to look at a cookbook,

and I don't like to learn
new things from books.

Yeah, so is lunch off, or...

I mean, what's the lay
of the lunch land, here?

I don't see why I have to
read a book on bodily functions.

I've never read
a book on eating,

yet I'm extremely well fed.

But I'm not.
Could I get, like...

Seriously, like a sandwich or...

Well, you know what?

Nobody is eating unless
you give this book a try.

Until then, I quit cooking.

Wow, I can't believe
I'm asking you this,

but please have
kinky sex with my mother.

No, Danielle,
I love your outfit,

but I just think you
can always go tighter.

Oh, my God,
Danielle, you're alive!

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Well, then if you're not dead,

then why did you
blow off our date?

Look at him try
and put it together.

Oh, he's got it now.

No, wait, he doesn't.

Yeah, now...
Wow, not yet. Wow.

This is, like,
the slowest burn ever.

This is like how burns were in
the 1800s before we had electricity.

Danielle stood you up
so she could make out

with the adorable
new man in her life.

Ah, me.

That's right. Ah, him.

Don't bump me.

Don't get in my way.

Well, maybe I wouldn't
be in your way

if you could sit still
like a normal person

instead of a vibrating spazoid.

Really. Well, guess what?

You fight like a poor girl.

Get off of me!

Let go of my hair
or I'll pound you.

This ain't over, squatty!

Get off. I'm going.

Hey, if they're going
to keep this up,

we should invest
in a video camera.

All right, Fez. Stand up
so I can kick your ass.

How dare you steal a girl
out from under me?

First of all,
I can do whatever I want.

Second of all, when I saw her,
she was not under you.

She was under moi.

- That's it.
- Whoa, whoa! Guys, listen!

I just realized I am not strong
enough to hold you two apart.

Hyde, come on!

Kelso.

Maybe you shouldn't be
asking what he did,

you should be asking
what you did to let it happen.

Or what you didn't do.

You know, maybe you
just lost your mojo.

Look, a guy can't
just lose his mojo, okay?

Can he?

Well, when was the last time you
made out with two girls at once?

Well, that was...

Oh, no.

I can't remember.

Kissed four different
girls in the same day?

I don't know!

You guys,
I might have lost my mojo.

And I got it.
I got your mojo.

Which reminds me,
I also have your yo-yo, so...

You know what?
I want them both back.

Now, how can I
lose a girl to you?

You don't even speak English.

Well, Kelso,
look at the bright side.

Danielle is a wonderful girl
who likes me better than you.

Why is that the bright side?

Because...
♪ Burn! ♪

These are stale.

Well, eat slow.
We gotta make them last.

Hey, Red.

Eric told me you and Kitty
are having a little trouble

in the old hee-hoo department.

You told Bob?

Are you out of your puny mind?

Look, you have to work
this stuff out with Mom.

She hasn't fed us in three days.

Dad, I can't afford not to eat.

Yesterday, I ate
a raisin off the floor.

I'm not even sure if
it was really a raisin.

Look, Red.

You should take Kitty's request
for a love life spice up seriously.

When Midge wanted to
turbo-charge our love life,

it was really a symptom of a
much deeper marital problem.

Yeah, that you were deviants.

Deviants?

Well, the couple we were
dating sure didn't seem to think so.

I'm telling you, this
problem is not just about sex.

It isn't?

Well, maybe she's just
unhappy emotionally.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

No, Red. It means
you have a problem,

and you have to deal with it.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I guess it's important
that Kitty get listened to.

Eric, go listen to your mother.

Why me?

Because without food,
you'll die first.

So, Danielle, tell me again

how much more you
like me than Kelso.

Well, you're sensitive

and thoughtful and understanding

and very, very sexy.

Lady, don't ever stop talking.

And you're funny and sweet.

And did I mention?
Very, very sexy.

Lady, you gotta shut up.

So, Mom, in the interest
of returning

regular meal service
to my now shattered life,

I'm here to help.

So just tell me the problem
beneath the dirty, gross problem.

Honey, there is none.

I just want your father
and me to have

more adventurous
sexual intercourse.

Well, this is one of those times

I'm kind of happy
my stomach's empty.

Um, look, instead of calling it,

uh, sexual inter...

Instead of calling it that,

why don't we call it, like,
a walk in the park?

Fine. I want your father and I

to have more adventurous
walks in the park.

I want to walk in
the park in the kitchen.

Walk in the park on a Tuesday.

I even want to walk in
the park in the park.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Okay, Mom. I think you're
playing this all wrong.

Dad wants you to have
a deeper emotional issue.

Invent one.

He'll give you anything you want

to avoid talking
about walks in the park.

So think big. You know, I might
be able to get you diamonds here.

Maybe even a new car.

This is like emotional
Price is Right, baby.

You're in the Showcase.

Oh, I also want to walk in the
park during The Price is Right.

Oh, God.

Well, what's the news?

You better start studying.

Ugh!

All right.

So I spent the whole day thinking
about what happened with Danielle.

And I realized that I
shouldn't be mad at you.

I should be asking you for help.

Holy crap, man. Now you're
asking Fez for girl advice?

Next thing you know, Donna's gonna
be asking Forman how to throw a ball.

Look, he's the one
with the girl.

All right, Fez.
So where did I go wrong?

Well, Danielle said
you were a bad listener

and I'm a good listener.
I heard her.

But so what?
I hurt girls all the time.

No, not "hurt."
"Heard." I heard.

You heard what?

Danielle!
I heard Danielle!

Well, why'd she
choose you over me?

Jeez, it's like talking
to a two-year-old, here.

She chose Fez because he
listens when a woman talks

instead of staring at her chest.

Stop staring at my chest!

I'm sorry, look, I've been
screwed by Darwinism.

I never needed to
evolve listening skills,

'cause my looks are
so highly developed.

Oh, that's not
how evolution works.

Yeah, sure it is.

Look, say I had to catch
my own food, right,

but I only ate
really fast animals?

My feet would eventually
evolve into rockets.

Man, it's amazing your brain
doesn't evolve into pudding.

All right, Fez.
Come on, I need your help.

Why should I help you?

Because you owe me.

Think about all
the times that I set you up

with my dates'
less-pretty friends.

That's true. You have
thrown me some uggos.

All right, so show
a little appreciation.

Fine.

But you have to promise not to
use what I teach you on Danielle

to get her back.

- She's mine.
- Done.

Okay, Donna.
I need your help.

Now sit here and
pretend to be a girl.

Now tell a girly story.

Kelso, you listen and repeat
back whatever she says.

- Okay, ready?
- Yeah.

Kelso, I had the worst day.

I didn't know what shoes to
wear. With a heel, without a heel...

I'm running
out of firecrackers.

I bet I could have been
best friends with Spider-Man.

Is that a new muscle?

Well, hello, new muscle.
Welcome to Kelso-town.

Kelso.

Kelso!

- What?
- You weren't even listening.

How do you know?

'Cause you were staring at the
ceiling with your tongue hanging out.

Kelso, when a woman talks,
you have to look her in the eyes

and pretend her
words are like oxygen

and without them,
you can't breathe.

But I don't care what she says.

How the heck did
you ever get a girl?

I don't know.
I just stare at her

until she stops talking
and then I kiss her.

Unbelievable.

All right, Kitty.

I want you to be happy.
I really do.

And to make that beautiful,
elusive dream come true,

I'm willing to try page 46.

Really?

Oh, Red, thank you.

Oh.

Page 46.
That is so fancy.

What?

Oh, dear God, no. Not...

Not page 46.
I meant page 47.

Page 47.

And no funny stuff
after I fall asleep.

And I didn't know what to do
because I had just polished my nails

and I didn't want to
mess up my manicure.

You're such a good listener.
I can't take it anymore.

What are you doing?
Get off my lady!

- Fez!
- You shut your
hot little mouth.

You promised you wouldn't use
anything I taught you on Danielle.

Come on, you can't give me a gun

and expect me not to
shoot people with it.

Danielle, you have to choose.
Him or me?

- But I...
- I said choose, woman.

Well, Fez, if I have to choose
between the two of you,

I mean, the choice is obvious.

I choose you, Fez.

What, are you stupid?

I mean, of course,
yes, good choice, yeah.

What, him?
How can you choose him?

I don't know. I guess I have this
thing for guys who boss me around.

I'll meet you in the car, or
wherever you tell me to meet you.

Oh, you'll meet me in the car,
and you'll like it.

I will.

Okay, here's the thing, Fez.

She's clearly a lunatic.

Which means that she's going
to be super hot in bed,

so congratulations on that one.

But you did snake her from me,
so I get a free punch.

But you did
snake her back, so...

Oh!

How do guys play fight
without getting into a real fight?

Well, maybe 'cause
when they fight,

Michael doesn't elbow
everything like a blonde tard-o.

See, now that is gonna get
your ass kicked.

Oh, I'm gonna punch you
in your fat melon head.

Good luck reaching it,
tiny loser.

Thanks, Tommy!

Is that bacon I smell?

Oh, what a perfect morning.

- Marco!
- Polo!

Oh, my God!

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