Original subtitles

♪♪♪

So get this...

I got fired.

God, I never thought I'd say this,

but apparently, I'm not good enough

for the dog food factory.

I though you'd say that.

Well, honey, don't worry.

We'll get along fine without your paycheck.

Instead of going to the movies, we'll watch TV.

Instead of eating popcorn, we'll lick salt.

I don't know it's like,

why would joanne fire me?

Bob, she's your girlfriend. Did she say anything?

Eric, ix-nay on the oanne-Jay.

Donna, you know I don't understand pig Latin.

Bob, what is joanne's problem?

Eric, "ix-nay" means "shut up."

It's okay, honey. I can talk about it.

Me and joanne broke up.

And I didn't see it coming.

Bob, what did I tell you last week?

Don't cry in your kitchen?

And I didn't mean just that day.

I meant always.

I'd better go, then.

Nice going, ackass-Jay.

Ackass-Jay?

Oh! Jackass.

Well, honey, I don't think you're a jackass.

I think you're a Jack-angel.

Hey, mom, look, I know you're worried about money,

with dad not being able to work,

but I want you to know i'm gonna get right back out there

and get a better job, a high-paying job.

Oh, sure, just go down to the bureau of high-paying jobs.

You can't miss it.

It's right next to the pie-in-the-sky office.

Jackass.

♪♪♪

Oh, really? Thank you.

Well, the job search is going great.

I think I have a shot at washing an old man's back

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

They were looking for a waiter down at the restaurant.

Whoa. Why'd you tell him? I'm up for that job.

That's why I told him.

No, no, no.

Look, Eric, I need this job way more than you do.

You don't have a baby on the way.

But I do have a family to support.

And if I don't keep the booze flowing,

they're gonna get violent.

Well, look,

the only way Brooke is gonna let me be

a part of my kid's life is if I prove to her

that I'm responsible, and a promotion

at the restaurant would impress her.

I mean, busboy's a job, but waiter is a career.

Okay, well, then you know what?

We'll just both go down there, apply,

and may the best man win.

No, I want it.

♪♪♪

♪ hangin' out ♪

♪ down the street ♪

♪ the same old thing ♪

♪ we did last week ♪

♪ not a thing to do ♪

♪ but talk to you ♪

♪ we're all all right ♪

♪ we're all all right ♪♪

Man: Hello, Wisconsin!

♪♪♪

Laurie!

Well, look what the whore dragged in.

Herself.

Need I remind you that you are married?

Oh, that's okay.

The guy from last night was married, too.

What is your problem?

Are you two at it again?

Your green card is on the way.

I thought this marriage was over.

Laurie, I gave you $50 last week to go down

to the courthouse and file for divorce.

What happened?

Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.

Tomorrow, we're going to the courthouse.

Hmm. The courthouse is across town.

I wonder if you can make it all the way there

without sleeping with someone.

I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you.

Bitch.

♪♪♪

Bob...

What are you doing here, anyway?

It's just something I'm trying out.

How's it going?

It's a little uncomfortable.

I thought it would be better than sitting home alone.

It's not.

Oh, my poor dad.

Wish there was something I could do to make him feel better.

Well, once when I was sad about Michael cheating on me,

I got flowers from a secret admirer,

and they cheered me right up.

I mean, sure, I sent them to myself,

but it's the thought that counts.

Those flowers were from you?

You let me go on and on about how

they were from me.

God, try a little honesty.

Wait. That's actually not a bad idea.

If my dad thought somebody else liked him,

he wouldn't be so bummed about joanne.

But men don't really like flowers, do they?

No, they remind us of bees.

Oh, I'll send him fudge.

He loves fudge. I know because one time, he got some,

and I asked if I could have a piece,

and he quickly changed the subject.

Well, let me tell them what to write on the card.

I'm good at that.

When I sent myself those flowers

and read how much I loved me, I felt so much better.

♪♪♪

Hey, Roy. Remember me? I'm Eric forman.

Oh, hey, how are you?

I'm here to apply for the waiter position.

Roy, that's the guy I was telling you about.

Oh!

Well, I don't think we can hire a waiter

who's got a disease that spreads through food.

Roy, he really doesn't like to talk

about his death-a-food-a-spread-itis.

Death-a-food-a-spreada what? Who are you, Elmer Fudd?

All right, fine. He doesn't have a disease.

I just... I really want the job, Roy.

Well, I wish I could give it to both of you.

Eric's got that zippy personality, and kelso's all man.

I know what we should do.

We should make it a competition.

That way, there's the fun of someone losing.

♪♪♪

Okay, everybody, let's put some smiles on those faces.

We're going to get divorced.

What the hell's this?

Looks like a box.

I know it's a box.

Hey, what's with the attitude? I'm just making conversation.

Looks like a box. It is a box.

This is how real people talk, man.

Oh, it's a present.

Oh, it's a wedding present from aunt Martha!

You told her about the marriage?

We agreed never to speak of this evil to anyone.

Well, I had to tell a few people,

because I never thought I'd be able to say,

"Laurie got married" without adding,

"and the baby came early."

Ooh, look at the paper sparkle.

I wonder what it is.

Well, keep wondering, 'cause this package is going right back.

But daddy!

But daddy.

No, no, I am just curious.

Aunt Martha's well-to-do, so you have to figure

it's a pretty nice present. Don't you wanna just peek?

No, I wanna go to the courthouse.

Now get moving.

Whatever's in this package might make you happy

for a day,

but a divorce is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Guess what, girls.

I got fudge.

Fudge?

What a surprise!

Who's it from?

It doesn't say, but there's a poem.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue.

Fudge is sweet. Here's some fudge."

Well, they rushed me.

I wonder who it's from,

'cause this sounds like someone likes you.

I hope it's a lady.

Hello.

Oh, hi, joanne.

It's joanne.

Really?

Well, I think it's a little late to talk

about getting back together.

Turns out I'm very desirable.

So I think this is good-bye.

Oh, and I want my Barry white albums back

and my body paints.

Oh, my god.

I know. They painted each other! Ugh!

Eric, you're first.

I'm gonna test you on the skills every waiter should have.

Roy, I want you to know

that because of my extensive background in crafts,

I can fold a napkin into a Rose, a swan

and the rarely seen x-wing fighter.

Cool.

Okay, I'm gonna place a difficult order.

And you'll relay it to Steven in the kitchen. Here goes.

I'll have the surf and turf, no seafood,

meat... nice and pink, mashed potatoes not mashed,

sliced into wedges and fried up.

Okay, so steak, medium rare and French fries.

Okay, I'm gonna need a number 4, still kickin',

hold the guppy and send it to France.

And that is how you do that.

I'll have the surf and turf, no seafood,

meat... nice and pink, mashed potatoes not mashed,

sliced into wedges and fried up.

One cheeseburger.

It's very important that a waiter can deal

with difficult customers.

Steven and I are gonna play a married couple.

I'm not so into this, Roy.

Excuse me, waiter. This wine is no good.

It's our anniversary,

and I want everything to be perfect.

God knows,

it's hard enough just to get him out of the house.

Oh, I'm very sorry, madame.

If you'll allow me to bring you a complimentary bottle

of our finest wine, I'd be most obliged.

Most obliged.

That's Shakespeare.

Waiter, it's our anniversary,

and this wine is no good.

Hey, you got a lot more problems than the wine.

You are one ugly broad.

I do not appreciate your tone.

My tone? Dude, your wife's a bitch.

Okay, work your way around the tables

with a tray full of dishes without spilling

or dropping anything.

And for god's sakes, watch out for the baby.

Go!

10 bucks says his skinny little wrist snaps under the weight.

I'll take that bet.

He's scrawny, but strong, like the viet cong.

So, like, when does this test start?

Oh, what's this?

Roy, I think you might have left a $20 bill

tucked in my sleeve.

I'm always losing stuff.

No, Roy, that was...

And go!

Ha ha ha!

Well, Eric, you're hired.

Oh, really?

Roy, this is like a dream,

a really mediocre dream.

♪♪♪

All right, everybody,

only 12 signatures to the end

of what I like to call "the shame."

It's still there,

and it calls to me,

like a box with something mysterious in it.

There's nothing like a present wrapped in beautiful paper.

It's like Cary Grant in a tuxedo.

I just wanna rip it off!

Don't touch it.

I'm not.

I'm smelling it.

Ooh! What does it smell like?

A box.

I hope it's a sewing machine.

I hope it's a TV.

I hope it's a chocolate TV.

There could be perishables in there.

Oh, my god. What if it's a puppy?

We have to open it.

I don't care if Eric's in there.

It's going back.

Now let's get these signed.

Look, right here. Paper's ripped.

Oh, my gosh. You're right.

Hmm. I see part of a word. "More."

And under that, something "crow."

"More crow." "More crow."

It's a kenmore microwave!

I win! I win!

♪♪♪

Hey, Hyde,

where's table seven's fish?

Oh, I got that for you, Eric.

Here is your filet of sole.

Burn!

All right, Eric, here's the pea soup you ordered.

You peed in the soup, didn't you?

No, I'm done trying to screw you over.

It's not your fault you got the job.

Some people are busboys, and some people are waiters.

And I guess i'm just an extremely...

Handsome busboy.

Roy...

That extremely handsome busboy

just broke my heart.

I really don't think he peed in the soup, Eric.

Couldn't you find another waiter job for him?

He needs a break. He's got a baby on the way.

Well, there might be a job opening up

'cause jeanie said she'd quit

if I didn't stop asking her out.

Come on. I'm not gonna stop asking her out.

So look,

if I really work hard with kelso,

you'll give him another tryout?

Sure.

But I really don't think he can handle it.

And my standards for food service are really low.

I haven't washed my hands in four days.

Dad...

Too late. I finished it.

So I was trying to figure out who sent me the fudge.

And I thought it could be the lady at the pharmacy,

which is nice because she's seen my prescriptions,

so we can skip that awkward conversation.

Or it could be the mail lady.

Dad, I have to tell you something.

Jackie and I sent you the fudge.

What?

Well, you seemed so sad, and we wanted to cheer you up.

But then, we screwed up your chances

for getting back together with joanne, so...

So nobody likes me.

We like you.

Eh.

We're really sorry, dad.

I guess it's not so bad.

I mean, I haven't thought about joanne all day.

Well, if you want, we can all do something today.

I can take you to the model train shop.

Some of the tiny trees in pinciotti town

are looking pretty ratty.

No, I'm gonna go down

and talk to the girl at the pharmacy.

She's got a better keister than the mail lady.

You'd think, with all that walking...

Hey, guess you either got it or you don't.

♪♪♪

Eric, give it up. I'm not gonna be able to do this.

Hey.

Now that's not the kelso I know.

A lot of people said you couldn't fit 73 cherry bombs

into a toilet, and who proved them wrong?

I did.

That's right, and a lot of people said

you couldn't make out with both of the ziegler twins

in the same night, and who proved them wrong?

I did.

And I also brushed their mom's boob

at a bake sale, so actually, it was a three-fer.

Exactly. You are Michael kelso, right?

You make the impossible happen.

Now come on. Let's do this.

Okay, ready,

get set...

Kelso!

What?!

Good luck.

♪♪♪

Ahh, what a beautiful morning.

The birds are singing. The flowers are blooming.

Divorce is in the air.

Now let's finish this.

Red, no one wants to get divorced on an empty stomach.

Ooh! And that's breakfast.

You used the microwave.

Red forman, I firmly believe that god wants me

to bake a potato in four minutes.

No, god wants these two divorced

and all evidence of their unholy union

out of this house.

We got another present!

No, no. Don't open it 'cause we're not keeping it.

Whoa.

Look at that saw!

It's from Billy Schneider down at the hardware store.

He's had a crush on me ever since

I went ladder shopping in that miniskirt.

Okay, just to make it clear,

if you're buying me a gift, I want candy.

For my birthday,

Christmas, daylight savings... candy.

Candy!

Now you can have the saw, red.

No, I...

That would be, uh, wrong.

Well...

It would be wrong if they were divorced,

but if they stayed married,

sending the gifts back would be rude.

You make a good point.

But I want a divorce.

I'll tell you what, honey. We'll wait a month.

If a riding mower hasn't shown up by then, we'll talk.

Okay, remember, buddy.

The tray is like a lady.

Dance with her.

And go!

I did it!

Congratulations! You got the job.

Oh, I can't wait to tell Brooke.

Hey, welcome to the exclusive ranks of waiter

at a crappy hotel restaurant.

I can't believe that I did it.

Yeah, I can't believe the glue held.

Yeah, super glue kicks ass!

You know what, kelso?

Your first shift is not gonna go well.

Oh, it's gonna be a disaster.

"Warning. Never put metal in the microwave."

This isn't metal. It's soup.

Miss kitty, Eric broke the microwave!

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