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1
00:00:00,943 --> 00:00:03,029
♪♪♪
2
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:05,532
Laverne is so annoying.
3
00:00:05,574 --> 00:00:08,243
Why does Shirley keep
putting up with her crap?
4
00:00:08,284 --> 00:00:13,289
She has to.
They're in love.
5
00:00:13,331 --> 00:00:15,584
Again, kelso,
6
00:00:15,625 --> 00:00:18,211
Laverne and Shirley
are not lesbians.
7
00:00:18,253 --> 00:00:20,338
Trust me,
8
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:24,634
they're one bottle of
wine away from making out.
9
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:27,804
Just like you two.
10
00:00:27,846 --> 00:00:29,646
Kelso, don't you have
something more important
11
00:00:29,681 --> 00:00:31,558
to talk about right now?
12
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,101
If you got a topic
more important
13
00:00:33,142 --> 00:00:36,187
than girl-on-girl
action, I'd like to hear it.
14
00:00:36,229 --> 00:00:37,731
How about the fact
15
00:00:37,773 --> 00:00:40,817
that Brooke's got your
feeble-minded bun in her oven.
16
00:00:40,859 --> 00:00:43,570
Look, she can't
be pregnant, okay?
17
00:00:43,612 --> 00:00:45,321
It just
can't be true.
18
00:00:45,363 --> 00:00:48,241
Michael, this is not something
girls lie about, okay?
19
00:00:48,283 --> 00:00:51,828
I would know. I'm an
expert on girl lies.
20
00:00:51,870 --> 00:00:54,873
Kelso, you're gonna have to
do something about this.
21
00:00:54,915 --> 00:00:57,375
No, but doing something
is not in my nature.
22
00:00:57,417 --> 00:00:59,252
"Ignore," "avoid,"
"run away"...
23
00:00:59,294 --> 00:01:02,380
These words have been
very good to me.
24
00:01:02,422 --> 00:01:03,339
You're horrible.
25
00:01:03,381 --> 00:01:04,382
What a pig.
26
00:01:04,424 --> 00:01:06,342
You know what?
27
00:01:06,384 --> 00:01:08,028
You girls don't even know
what I'm going through here.
28
00:01:08,052 --> 00:01:09,721
You can have
all the sex you want,
29
00:01:09,763 --> 00:01:13,433
you don't have to worry
about getting anyone pregnant.
30
00:01:13,475 --> 00:01:17,979
♪♪♪
31
00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:21,483
Laurie, try these
banana-walnut pancakes.
32
00:01:21,524 --> 00:01:23,526
I know you've always
had a thing for nuts.
33
00:01:23,568 --> 00:01:27,155
Every man in town
knows that.
34
00:01:27,196 --> 00:01:28,531
Why men?
35
00:01:28,573 --> 00:01:30,116
Oh, never mind.
36
00:01:32,410 --> 00:01:34,788
You guys,
an agent from immigration
37
00:01:34,830 --> 00:01:36,873
is coming to check on
Fez and Laurie's marriage,
38
00:01:36,915 --> 00:01:39,417
and if he finds out it's
fake, Fez could get deported.
39
00:01:39,459 --> 00:01:41,628
But this marriage is
based on love. Right, honey?
40
00:01:41,670 --> 00:01:43,672
Don't touch me.
41
00:01:43,713 --> 00:01:47,801
Fine. I'll give you 20 bucks
to pretend to be my wife.
42
00:01:47,843 --> 00:01:50,178
That's gotta
sound familiar.
43
00:01:51,930 --> 00:01:54,474
Steven, if you keep doing
that, it's gonna be really hard
44
00:01:54,516 --> 00:01:57,894
for me to pretend I don't
know what you're talking about.
45
00:01:57,936 --> 00:02:02,357
Then I should go
because it's just too easy...
46
00:02:02,398 --> 00:02:03,900
Like Laurie.
47
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:09,155
When is this I.N.S. Man
gonna be here?
48
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,658
Sometime this week.
It's a surprise visit.
49
00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:14,452
So I have
to stay here.
50
00:02:14,494 --> 00:02:17,622
Stay here?
51
00:02:17,664 --> 00:02:20,500
With red? Oh, no.
I can't allow that.
52
00:02:20,542 --> 00:02:22,919
Why not?
Red loves me.
53
00:02:22,961 --> 00:02:24,838
Honey, you gave him
a heart attack.
54
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:29,217
Maybe he just
loves Fez so much
55
00:02:29,258 --> 00:02:31,761
that his heart exploded.
56
00:02:33,638 --> 00:02:36,808
Please, miss kitty,
let me stay.
57
00:02:36,850 --> 00:02:38,351
Mom, come on.
58
00:02:38,393 --> 00:02:40,228
Okay, you win.
59
00:02:40,269 --> 00:02:42,605
Oh, thank you.
60
00:02:42,647 --> 00:02:44,357
That was a sexy hug.
61
00:02:44,399 --> 00:02:46,568
You really put some
boom-boom into it, huh?
62
00:02:49,571 --> 00:02:53,324
♪ Hangin' out ♪
63
00:02:53,366 --> 00:02:56,828
♪ down the street ♪
64
00:02:56,870 --> 00:03:00,749
♪ the same old thing ♪
65
00:03:00,790 --> 00:03:04,126
♪ that you did last week ♪
66
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:08,631
♪ not a thing to do ♪
67
00:03:08,673 --> 00:03:12,176
♪ but talk to you ♪
68
00:03:12,218 --> 00:03:13,845
♪ we're all all right ♪
69
00:03:13,887 --> 00:03:15,722
♪ we're all all right ♪♪
70
00:03:15,764 --> 00:03:19,017
Hello, Wisconsin!
71
00:03:23,521 --> 00:03:27,567
♪♪♪
72
00:03:27,609 --> 00:03:29,235
♪ row, row, row your boat ♪
73
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,195
♪ gently down the stream ♪
74
00:03:31,237 --> 00:03:32,822
♪ soapy, soapy,
scrubby, scrubby ♪
75
00:03:32,864 --> 00:03:34,824
♪ Fez is nice and clean ♪♪
76
00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,993
What the hell?!
77
00:03:42,498 --> 00:03:45,293
I don't know what you heard,
but this show ain't free.
78
00:03:50,381 --> 00:03:54,135
What is this doing here?
79
00:03:54,176 --> 00:03:56,972
Okay, red, he just has to
stay here for a few days.
80
00:03:57,013 --> 00:04:01,559
But kitty,
he was in my shower.
81
00:04:01,601 --> 00:04:05,396
He saw my legs.
82
00:04:05,438 --> 00:04:06,397
And he saw pepe.
83
00:04:06,439 --> 00:04:08,399
Shut up.
84
00:04:11,527 --> 00:04:14,489
Listen, dad,
the I.N.S. Is coming,
85
00:04:14,530 --> 00:04:16,491
and if they find out
this marriage is fake,
86
00:04:16,532 --> 00:04:18,409
Fez could get deported.
87
00:04:18,451 --> 00:04:22,497
Well,
that's anwar's problem.
88
00:04:22,538 --> 00:04:24,499
Oh, but I cannot
go back home.
89
00:04:24,540 --> 00:04:26,250
I'm an American now.
90
00:04:26,292 --> 00:04:29,295
I'm lazy, fat, and soft.
91
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,505
Like you.
92
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:36,136
Look, you deserve
what you get.
93
00:04:36,177 --> 00:04:38,930
You tricked Laurie into
this mess of a marriage.
94
00:04:38,972 --> 00:04:43,101
She's innocent
and naive.
95
00:04:43,143 --> 00:04:44,936
The only reason she got
caught up in this
96
00:04:44,978 --> 00:04:47,480
is because
she loves too much.
97
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,776
Well,
that last part's true.
98
00:04:51,818 --> 00:04:57,573
♪♪♪
99
00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:02,495
Shoot, it's Brooke.
Hide me.
100
00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:04,539
Hey!
101
00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:08,209
I'm sorry, Donna. Squeezing
your butt gives me courage.
102
00:05:09,627 --> 00:05:12,088
So, Michael...
103
00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:14,924
You split pretty quick
the other day.
104
00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,343
Maybe we should talk
or something.
105
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,512
You got it.
106
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:23,183
One sec.
107
00:05:24,809 --> 00:05:26,602
Kelso!
108
00:05:26,644 --> 00:05:28,563
Donna, let go of my leg!
109
00:05:28,604 --> 00:05:30,606
I swear I got no problem
kicking a girl!
110
00:05:30,648 --> 00:05:34,986
Look, you've done a lot of
stupid crap over the years...
111
00:05:35,028 --> 00:05:36,696
You stole my panties.
112
00:05:36,738 --> 00:05:38,865
You tied my hamster
to a bottle rocket.
113
00:05:38,907 --> 00:05:41,492
And I don't know
how many times
114
00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:43,452
I caught you peeping
through my window.
115
00:05:43,494 --> 00:05:45,454
Five.
116
00:05:45,496 --> 00:05:48,917
Look, the point is,
I let it all slide
117
00:05:48,958 --> 00:05:51,878
because underneath I knew
you were a good guy.
118
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:53,671
But if you bail on Brooke,
119
00:05:53,713 --> 00:05:55,339
I will never
respect you again,
120
00:05:55,381 --> 00:05:57,633
and neither
will anybody else.
121
00:05:57,675 --> 00:06:00,428
Look, I know, okay?
I know.
122
00:06:00,469 --> 00:06:03,472
I just...
I don't know what to do.
123
00:06:03,514 --> 00:06:05,975
Well, kelso, you need
to go talk to her.
124
00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:08,477
Okay.
Good.
125
00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:10,021
What?
126
00:06:10,063 --> 00:06:12,982
"Touch Donna pinciotti's
panties for 5 bucks.
127
00:06:13,024 --> 00:06:15,275
Call Michael kelso"?
128
00:06:21,365 --> 00:06:24,493
♪♪♪
129
00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:29,040
And that was the first time
I ever tasted chocolate.
130
00:06:29,082 --> 00:06:31,459
That's
a great story, man,
131
00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,544
but, uh, it's like
2:00 in the morning.
132
00:06:33,586 --> 00:06:36,505
So we gotta go to sleep.
133
00:06:36,547 --> 00:06:38,841
But I forgot my tape
of my ocean sounds.
134
00:06:40,969 --> 00:06:43,972
And I cannot fall asleep
without it.
135
00:06:44,013 --> 00:06:48,059
Can you make
ocean sounds for me?
136
00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:50,979
Yeah,
I'm not doing that.
137
00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:52,605
Okay,
then let me tell you
138
00:06:52,647 --> 00:06:56,151
about the first time
I ate a blow pop.
139
00:06:56,192 --> 00:06:58,694
Lick number one...
What a surprise.
140
00:07:14,210 --> 00:07:16,921
You are forgetting
the whale songs.
141
00:07:16,963 --> 00:07:21,592
Listen, man, I've only
been to the ocean once,
142
00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,845
and the closest thing
I saw to a whale
143
00:07:23,886 --> 00:07:26,555
was some fat guy
selling drugs.
144
00:07:26,597 --> 00:07:31,186
Fine. Lick number two...
Still no gum?
145
00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:52,623
What the hell are you
doing to yourself?!
146
00:07:52,665 --> 00:07:55,584
Oh, great, dad.
You know what?
147
00:07:55,626 --> 00:07:58,546
You woke him up,
you put him back to sleep!
148
00:08:01,632 --> 00:08:04,677
♪♪♪
149
00:08:04,719 --> 00:08:07,596
Hey.
150
00:08:07,638 --> 00:08:09,682
Uh...
151
00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:11,600
It's been
pointed out to me
152
00:08:11,642 --> 00:08:15,771
that I've been acting
a little flaky about, um...
153
00:08:15,813 --> 00:08:17,565
Our situation.
154
00:08:17,606 --> 00:08:20,193
I disagree. Flaky means
you're not consistent.
155
00:08:20,235 --> 00:08:23,529
You run away
every time you see me.
156
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:25,573
Anyway, uh...
157
00:08:25,614 --> 00:08:28,243
I think we should talk
about what we're gonna do.
158
00:08:28,284 --> 00:08:30,221
I'm sure you're gonna want me
to meet your parents,
159
00:08:30,245 --> 00:08:34,916
and lucky for you,
I look good in a suit.
160
00:08:34,957 --> 00:08:38,169
Hell, I look good in anything,
but you already know that.
161
00:08:38,211 --> 00:08:41,964
Actually, don't
worry about it.
162
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:43,925
As far as the baby
and I are concerned,
163
00:08:43,966 --> 00:08:46,094
you're off the hook.
164
00:08:46,135 --> 00:08:48,221
So, you're just
letting me go?
165
00:08:48,263 --> 00:08:49,847
Yep.
166
00:08:49,889 --> 00:08:53,768
You don't have to think
about this ever again.
167
00:08:53,809 --> 00:08:56,396
And I won't!
168
00:08:58,147 --> 00:09:00,066
Wow! You're like
the coolest girl
169
00:09:00,108 --> 00:09:01,901
I ever did it with
at a concert!
170
00:09:03,986 --> 00:09:07,156
♪♪♪
171
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:11,119
Oh, honey,
you look terrible.
172
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,579
Oh, you don't look
so hot yourself, sister.
173
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,708
I beg your pardon.
174
00:09:17,750 --> 00:09:19,710
Red made me sleep
in the basement,
175
00:09:19,752 --> 00:09:21,337
and every time I started
to fall asleep,
176
00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:25,216
Hyde would put
a popsicle on my neck.
177
00:09:25,258 --> 00:09:27,385
That's
my daddy's chair.
178
00:09:27,427 --> 00:09:30,263
That's my daddy's chair.
179
00:09:30,305 --> 00:09:33,057
Fez, look, man,
180
00:09:33,099 --> 00:09:35,184
you gotta start
kissing red's butt a little,
181
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,228
or he's gonna make
sure you get deported.
182
00:09:37,270 --> 00:09:39,188
He should be kissing
my butt
183
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:43,025
for taking his trashy
daughter off his hands.
184
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:44,526
I'm not that trashy.
185
00:09:44,568 --> 00:09:46,321
I won't
sleep with you.
186
00:09:46,362 --> 00:09:48,448
Oh, zip it, jezebel.
187
00:09:52,327 --> 00:09:55,204
Out of my chair, Tonto.
188
00:09:57,123 --> 00:09:59,459
Oh, come on.
A chair is a chair.
189
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,961
Branch out a little.
Try the piano bench.
190
00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,255
What did you say?
191
00:10:04,297 --> 00:10:06,007
Laurie, go get
a cup of milk.
192
00:10:06,048 --> 00:10:07,342
Why?
193
00:10:07,383 --> 00:10:08,843
It'll keep
Fez's teeth alive
194
00:10:08,884 --> 00:10:11,137
until we get him
to the dentist.
195
00:10:14,765 --> 00:10:19,437
Hi, sir. Hal Armstrong from
the immigration service.
196
00:10:19,479 --> 00:10:21,356
I'm here to conduct
some interviews.
197
00:10:21,397 --> 00:10:24,400
What do you want to know?
'Cause I'll tell you everything.
198
00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:28,237
Is it too late to give
you back your chair?
199
00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:30,490
Oh, no,
don't get up.
200
00:10:30,531 --> 00:10:32,825
This could be the last
time you sit on furniture
201
00:10:32,867 --> 00:10:35,495
that you didn't build
out of mud and twigs.
202
00:10:43,794 --> 00:10:45,421
♪♪♪
203
00:10:45,463 --> 00:10:47,256
So, agent Armstrong,
204
00:10:47,298 --> 00:10:49,717
can't wait to tell you
all about this marriage.
205
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:51,511
You got handcuffs, right?
206
00:10:51,552 --> 00:10:54,763
Red. Red, why don't you
help me in the kitchen?
207
00:10:54,805 --> 00:10:56,891
Laurie, make our guest
comfortable.
208
00:10:56,932 --> 00:10:59,227
Hey, g-man.
209
00:11:00,853 --> 00:11:03,939
Okay, red, just because
he sat in your chair
210
00:11:03,981 --> 00:11:07,985
is no reason to get
the boy deported.
211
00:11:08,027 --> 00:11:10,154
You don't like me
because I'm not from here.
212
00:11:10,196 --> 00:11:13,199
This has
nothing to do
213
00:11:13,241 --> 00:11:15,159
with you
being a foreigner.
214
00:11:15,201 --> 00:11:18,120
It's about you taking
advantage of my daughter
215
00:11:18,162 --> 00:11:20,248
like a sneaky foreigner.
216
00:11:21,957 --> 00:11:23,876
Wait, dad, look.
217
00:11:23,918 --> 00:11:26,254
I stayed home from college
to take care of you and mom
218
00:11:26,295 --> 00:11:28,839
in your hour of need.
Okay, you owe me.
219
00:11:28,881 --> 00:11:33,219
That is just like a
woman to bring that up.
220
00:11:33,261 --> 00:11:38,057
You know, Laurie could get
in a lot of trouble, too.
221
00:11:38,099 --> 00:11:39,308
What kind of trouble?
222
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:41,852
Big trouble, dad.
She could go to jail...
223
00:11:41,894 --> 00:11:45,022
Or back to jail.
224
00:11:45,064 --> 00:11:46,982
Well, come on.
It's like...
225
00:11:47,024 --> 00:11:49,569
Where has she been
for the past two years?
226
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:52,863
All right, fine,
I won't volunteer anything.
227
00:11:52,905 --> 00:11:55,866
But if he asks me a direct
question, I'm not lying.
228
00:11:55,908 --> 00:11:58,053
Oh, you won't have to. I'll
do all the talking for you.
229
00:11:58,077 --> 00:12:01,330
Well,
you'll be good at that.
230
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:05,000
And I guess it might
be fun to just sit back
231
00:12:05,042 --> 00:12:06,502
and watch Tarzan here
232
00:12:06,544 --> 00:12:09,713
crumble before the full force
of the U.S. government.
233
00:12:09,755 --> 00:12:12,967
Okay, that's it.
Anwar I can deal with.
234
00:12:13,008 --> 00:12:15,177
Tonto, in the ballpark,
but Tarzan...
235
00:12:15,219 --> 00:12:17,305
Tarzan is a white guy.
236
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:23,311
Don't sass me, Tarzan.
237
00:12:25,313 --> 00:12:27,315
Michael,
there is no way
238
00:12:27,356 --> 00:12:29,275
Brooke said
you're off the hook.
239
00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:32,278
Okay, I bet she said, "I'm gonna
take every penny you have,
240
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,239
"you irresponsible bastard,"
because that's what I would say.
241
00:12:35,281 --> 00:12:39,327
No. She definitely said
"off the hook."
242
00:12:39,368 --> 00:12:43,164
Man, I am one tall,
cute, lucky kid.
243
00:12:43,205 --> 00:12:45,916
So that's it, man?
244
00:12:45,958 --> 00:12:47,978
It's like this thing with you
and Brooke never happened?
245
00:12:48,002 --> 00:12:49,920
Yeah. Wait, no.
246
00:12:49,962 --> 00:12:53,299
I mean, there's still gonna
be a baby out there. But...
247
00:12:53,341 --> 00:12:55,884
My life's
back to normal.
248
00:12:55,926 --> 00:12:58,429
Sorta.
249
00:12:58,471 --> 00:13:00,306
I mean,
it's kind of weird.
250
00:13:00,348 --> 00:13:02,808
I'm not gonna think about it
'cause I don't need to.
251
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,394
I should be happy
right now.
252
00:13:05,436 --> 00:13:08,230
You know what?
I am happy right now.
253
00:13:08,272 --> 00:13:11,317
Yeah. I think.
254
00:13:11,359 --> 00:13:14,153
Yeah, think, feel,
look deep inside,
255
00:13:14,195 --> 00:13:17,448
like deep, deep
inside almost to China.
256
00:13:17,490 --> 00:13:19,825
There's a good guy
in there.
257
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:22,911
You know what?
Don't lecture me, okay?
258
00:13:22,953 --> 00:13:24,913
I went to her, and I
tried to talk to her,
259
00:13:24,955 --> 00:13:27,166
and she said it was
cool, which is awesome,
260
00:13:27,208 --> 00:13:30,794
because this could, like,
screw up my whole life.
261
00:13:30,836 --> 00:13:32,838
Yeah, man, you know,
you gotta stay focused
262
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,675
if you're gonna invent
those quadruple oreos.
263
00:13:37,009 --> 00:13:40,221
Those are a secret, man.
264
00:13:40,262 --> 00:13:42,515
No, yeah,
this is good.
265
00:13:42,557 --> 00:13:44,559
Why put yourself out
for some kid?
266
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,203
Children grow up
without dads all the time.
267
00:13:46,227 --> 00:13:47,936
Right.
268
00:13:47,978 --> 00:13:49,355
Yeah,
like Steven.
269
00:13:49,397 --> 00:13:52,483
Well, I don't want him
ending up like Hyde.
270
00:13:52,525 --> 00:13:57,321
With hair all frizzed out
with angry thoughts.
271
00:13:58,197 --> 00:14:00,199
Ow!
272
00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:02,618
And violent, too.
273
00:14:02,660 --> 00:14:06,288
Kelso, you know
what you should do,
274
00:14:06,330 --> 00:14:08,350
but you're not gonna do it
'cause you're too much of a tool.
275
00:14:08,374 --> 00:14:10,376
You know what?
It's real easy
276
00:14:10,418 --> 00:14:11,478
to talk about
the right thing to do
277
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,171
when it's not
your life.
278
00:14:14,213 --> 00:14:16,465
Tool.
279
00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:19,677
Oh, Steven, you're
sensitive to this
280
00:14:19,719 --> 00:14:21,429
because your father
ditched you, too.
281
00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:23,723
That is so foxy.
282
00:14:23,764 --> 00:14:26,517
Hey, why don't we
go down to my room,
283
00:14:26,559 --> 00:14:28,394
I'll tell you
about the time
284
00:14:28,436 --> 00:14:30,396
my mom got so loaded
on mouthwash,
285
00:14:30,438 --> 00:14:34,149
she lost our rent money
at the track.
286
00:14:34,191 --> 00:14:36,569
Okay, you two claim to
be married and living here.
287
00:14:36,611 --> 00:14:39,154
To verify this,
288
00:14:39,196 --> 00:14:40,740
I'm going to
separate you all
289
00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:43,158
and ask you a series of
questions about the couple.
290
00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,120
Let me remind you,
you're all under oath.
291
00:14:46,161 --> 00:14:47,079
Under oath?
292
00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:49,540
I mean...
293
00:14:49,582 --> 00:14:53,335
Under oath, bravo.
294
00:14:55,379 --> 00:14:57,757
Okay, first question...
295
00:14:57,798 --> 00:15:00,217
What kind of toothpaste
does Fez use?
296
00:15:00,259 --> 00:15:02,177
I brush my teeth
with colgate.
297
00:15:02,219 --> 00:15:05,514
It is the only thing that
cuts through the milk duds.
298
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,433
Who the hell cares
about toothpaste?
299
00:15:07,475 --> 00:15:09,101
This kid and
my daughter are...
300
00:15:09,143 --> 00:15:11,520
Happy, happy, happy!
301
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:14,315
I... wait,
why am I under oath?
302
00:15:14,356 --> 00:15:17,234
'Cause if I say crest and
the answer is minty crest,
303
00:15:17,276 --> 00:15:19,487
I mean, that's like,
uh, perjury.
304
00:15:19,528 --> 00:15:21,530
What's gonna happen
to me?
305
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,158
Oh, my god, why are you
writing this down?
306
00:15:24,199 --> 00:15:26,994
How long did Fez and Laurie
date before they got married?
307
00:15:27,035 --> 00:15:29,246
Who needs to date?
I had her in the sack
308
00:15:29,288 --> 00:15:32,333
faster than you can say
"corn on the cob."
309
00:15:32,374 --> 00:15:35,419
Speaking of dates, I make
an incredible date-nut bread.
310
00:15:35,461 --> 00:15:38,547
The secret is to soak the
dates in some good strong rum.
311
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,175
Which reminds me,
who needs a drink?
312
00:15:41,216 --> 00:15:43,761
I know I do.
313
00:15:43,803 --> 00:15:46,096
I... I don't know
how long they dated.
314
00:15:46,138 --> 00:15:49,433
I... oh, my god, I'm going
to prison, aren't I?
315
00:15:49,475 --> 00:15:52,311
I'm gonna get shanked.
316
00:15:52,353 --> 00:15:54,313
What is Fez's
favorite TV show?
317
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:56,064
Well, it depends.
318
00:15:56,106 --> 00:15:58,776
Basically, I just flip
until I see nipples.
319
00:15:58,818 --> 00:16:04,657
Sometimes, I feel like
a loaf of bread.
320
00:16:04,699 --> 00:16:07,368
Everyone keeps taking
a slice of me
321
00:16:07,409 --> 00:16:10,871
until all that's left are two
crusty pieces that nobody wants.
322
00:16:10,912 --> 00:16:13,248
And I just want to scream,
"appreciate me, damn it."
323
00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:15,083
But I don't. Why?
324
00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:17,211
Because my mother
always told me
325
00:16:17,252 --> 00:16:19,714
that nice girls
shouldn't make a fuss.
326
00:16:19,755 --> 00:16:23,467
And now, I am
a flippin' doormat!
327
00:16:23,509 --> 00:16:25,678
Okay, look, man.
328
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,765
Prison is not
an option for me, okay?
329
00:16:29,807 --> 00:16:33,143
I can't pee
in front of other people.
330
00:16:33,185 --> 00:16:35,103
Well...
331
00:16:35,145 --> 00:16:38,357
Despite a few
interesting answers
332
00:16:38,399 --> 00:16:41,485
and one recipe...
333
00:16:41,527 --> 00:16:46,156
My judgment is that your
marriage is legitimate.
334
00:16:46,198 --> 00:16:47,700
Congratulations.
335
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:52,413
All right,
pepe and I are Americans.
336
00:16:52,454 --> 00:16:57,042
No wonder this country's
going in the toilet.
337
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,627
What was that, sir?
338
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:01,505
Nothing. Nothing. He said
he has to use the toilet.
339
00:17:01,547 --> 00:17:05,384
That's why he's been
so quiet.
340
00:17:05,426 --> 00:17:08,053
If you're trying to protect
your daughter, don't worry.
341
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,638
We never go after
the bride,
342
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,392
especially
such a pretty one.
343
00:17:13,434 --> 00:17:14,976
If there was
a crime committed,
344
00:17:15,018 --> 00:17:17,312
we'd only be interested
in this one.
345
00:17:17,354 --> 00:17:20,232
So if there's something you
want to say, by all means, say it.
346
00:17:20,274 --> 00:17:22,025
Fine, I will.
347
00:17:29,825 --> 00:17:33,579
I just wanted to say...
348
00:17:33,621 --> 00:17:37,583
These two kids
are married and...
349
00:17:37,625 --> 00:17:40,419
Very much in love.
350
00:17:40,461 --> 00:17:44,131
In fact, I've never seen
a love like this.
351
00:17:45,883 --> 00:17:49,678
Thank you, Mr. Red.
It means a lot.
352
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,639
Hey, what about
thanking me?
353
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,602
This guy tried
to break me.
354
00:17:56,644 --> 00:18:01,064
But lucky for you, double-o
foreman is rock solid.
355
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:07,488
Wow, you really
are pregnant.
356
00:18:07,529 --> 00:18:10,532
They make them
really tiny now.
357
00:18:10,574 --> 00:18:13,034
Quarter pound,
my ass.
358
00:18:14,202 --> 00:18:16,538
Hey.
359
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:18,248
I need to talk to you.
360
00:18:18,290 --> 00:18:20,459
Kelso, that's great!
361
00:18:20,501 --> 00:18:23,587
Here, take my seat.
Sit down. Come on.
362
00:18:23,629 --> 00:18:26,298
I'll just be
right over there.
363
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:28,425
Good for you.
364
00:18:31,553 --> 00:18:33,848
All right.
365
00:18:33,889 --> 00:18:36,809
At first, when you told me
that I was off the hook,
366
00:18:36,851 --> 00:18:38,894
I was like
totally psyched, right?
367
00:18:38,936 --> 00:18:40,896
But then I started
to think about it,
368
00:18:40,938 --> 00:18:45,066
and I don't wanna be
off the hook.
369
00:18:45,108 --> 00:18:47,277
I wanna be a part
of this kid's life.
370
00:18:47,319 --> 00:18:50,197
Michael, I didn't let you
off the hook to be nice.
371
00:18:50,238 --> 00:18:52,324
I just don't think you
understand what it means
372
00:18:52,366 --> 00:18:53,617
to have a baby.
373
00:18:53,659 --> 00:18:56,286
No, but I do.
374
00:18:56,328 --> 00:18:59,247
It means taking him
to t-ball games
375
00:18:59,289 --> 00:19:01,667
and teaching him
how to ride a bike
376
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:04,085
and taking him to the
doctor when he's sick.
377
00:19:04,127 --> 00:19:05,671
And what if
it's a girl?
378
00:19:05,713 --> 00:19:08,298
Oh, it's not gonna be a girl.
We did it standing up.
379
00:19:12,302 --> 00:19:14,596
Uh-huh.
380
00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:17,558
Okay, maybe this will
change your mind.
381
00:19:17,599 --> 00:19:20,268
I went and got
some stuff today
382
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:23,271
to welcome the little guy
into the world...
383
00:19:23,313 --> 00:19:27,651
This little sweater
to keep him warm.
384
00:19:27,693 --> 00:19:32,322
And this little hat to keep
the sun off of his face.
385
00:19:32,364 --> 00:19:33,949
And I got some pop rocks
386
00:19:33,991 --> 00:19:37,202
'cause I always wanted to see
a baby eat pop rocks.
387
00:19:39,621 --> 00:19:42,249
Michael,
if you get involved,
388
00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:44,418
I'm just gonna have two
babies to take care of
389
00:19:44,459 --> 00:19:46,336
instead of one.
390
00:19:46,378 --> 00:19:49,548
Look, you can try
to get rid of me,
391
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:52,300
but I'm not
walking away from this.
392
00:19:52,342 --> 00:19:54,845
I'm sorry.
393
00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:58,348
I just don't want you to
be the father of my child.
394
00:20:09,693 --> 00:20:11,820
This is all your fault.
395
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:15,866
Yeah, "go talk to her
and do the right thing."
396
00:20:15,908 --> 00:20:19,536
Kelso, I'm so sorry.
397
00:20:19,578 --> 00:20:21,598
I wish there was something I
could do to make you feel better.
398
00:20:21,622 --> 00:20:23,457
Well, there isn't.
399
00:20:23,498 --> 00:20:26,293
Okay, fine.
400
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:27,628
I'll give you
10 seconds
401
00:20:27,669 --> 00:20:29,504
to squeeze my ass
as much as you want.
402
00:20:39,974 --> 00:20:42,309
I never thought
I'd say this,
403
00:20:42,350 --> 00:20:45,228
but there's some things
that a girl's ass can't fix.
404
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:52,879
Well, Fez, congratulations
on your green card.
405
00:20:52,903 --> 00:20:55,006
But remember, this is america,
and you still look foreign,
406
00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:57,616
so don't expect
to be treated equally.
407
00:20:57,658 --> 00:20:58,826
Well, I'm going
to become
408
00:20:58,867 --> 00:21:01,662
america's sexiest
singing cowboy.
409
00:21:01,703 --> 00:21:05,206
Howdy, ladies.
Meet pepe.
410
00:21:05,248 --> 00:21:07,709
You know, what's going on
with Brooke really hurts,
411
00:21:07,751 --> 00:21:09,687
but I think in a couple days
when I start to heal,
412
00:21:09,711 --> 00:21:12,023
I'm gonna be really psyched
that Donna let me squeeze her ass.
413
00:21:12,047 --> 00:21:15,550
I mean, even now, i'm
reflecting upon how soft it was.
414
00:21:15,592 --> 00:21:19,805
So what kind of chance do you
think I have with the blonde?
415
00:21:19,829 --> 00:21:21,829
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