All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s09e09 - Dont Like Them Go Bang

(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Applause)

- Thank you.
Thank you and welcome.

I'm Greg Davis and this is Taskmaster.

Sitting to me right are a team of
battle-scarred competitors,

who have been slogging thought task after task.
They've had their ups and their downs,

and they've discovered that for every failure
there's a success just around the corner.

Also, David Baddiel is here.

(Laughter)

Please now welcome them all.
David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

and Rose Matafeo.

And sitting next to me is a boy
who ran away with the circus,

but he was sent back home
because he was annoying everyone
and unsettling the animals.

It's Little Alex Horne!

(Applause)

- Hi Greg.
- Hi.

- Unsettling.
- [Together] Unsettling the animals.

- So they were settled,
I came in and unsettled them?

- That is correct.

Right, then. Let's get the pre-final underway.

What's the prize task category?
- We've asked them to bring in the most

desirable smooth thing.

Yes exactly, something that makes you say

"Wow, I really want that" and "Wow, it's really smooth."

- Rose, what is your desirable, smooth thing?
- My prize is very good.

It is a

semi-nude in a snow globe.
- Here it is.

(Laughter)

- That is a desirable thing, that is smooth.

I will be taking no further questions.

- Unfortunately, that's not quite how this works.
Because, I mean...(laughs)

you have got a lot of explaining--
(Laughter)

- So yeah, I didn't want to do like, a full on nude,

'cause I thought that might be a bit hectic.
- Oh that would be weird.
- Yeah.

- Who put a picture of you in your pants
inside a snow globe?

- Me.
- Why?

- 'Cause I wanna win.

- Oh, you did it especially for this?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I thought you just had it, okay.

(Laughter)

- Excuse-- do I strike you as a person who'd do that, because you have--

- One hundred percent.

(Laughter)

Jo.
- Well, mine's two types of smooth.

It is butterscotch Angle Delight,

concealing

Action Man's genitals.

- You can see it now..

(Applause)

- When did Action Man start using the cyclist
Chris Hoy as their model?

- And Jo is this something you made specially
for the show or did you just have it?

(Laughter)

- I've got two teenage daughters and I drill it into them,

this is how men's genital areas should look.

- Do you know what, I'm sure I speak for a lot of men,
I sort of wish it was.

I wish it was all smoothed over,
I'd have read a lot more books.

(Laughter)

David, hello.
- Hello.

- What have you got?
- Perhaps we could show it.
This of course, is a trophy that you won

if you won Going For Gold.

Now, a lot of people here don't remember Going For Gold.

- Was that Henry Kelly?
- Yes, it was a daytime quiz show

that I used to watch a lot in the 1980s.

So the thing about this is,
there are two things that are weird about it.

One is, I've never been on Going For Gold.

- It's suddenly become 50% more attractive to me.

- The other thing that's really weird about it is,

I just was talking to people in this show,
having brought this in very proudly.

And they've checked the archive on Going For Gold prizes,

none of them look like this.

- No, you don't get a trophy on Going For Gold.
(Laughter)

- Are you sure?
- They got cash--

- He knows, that's all he did with his childhood,
is watch quiz shows.

- Yeah, it was on straight after Neighbours.
- What it is, is smooth.

- It's smooth, and now that I know
that it's been put there by aliens, it's desirable.

Katy Wix.

- So what I've done is, I went out and I
found the smoothest pebble that I could.

That took a couple of days.
So it's already desirable in of itself,

'cause it's a beautiful smooth pebble.
To make it even more desirable,

I popped my bank details on it.

And that's it.

(Applause)

- It's desirable.
- Pretty desirable, isn't it?
- I'm going for gold tonight.

- What's nice about it is a pebble's such a lovely thing
to slip into someone's hand.

- Ohh, that's lovely.
- Just imagine that.

Like that?

Ed?

- My prize is not smooth...

yet.
- Uh oh!

- The achievable smoothness is the most desirable bit.

I've brought in a voucher for the winner of the show,
to wax my chest.

- Here it is.

- Wow.
- Wow!

- So that will be on the stage.
- On the stage, at the end,

with the theme music playing,
we will wax my chest.

- Okay, so there we go that's all five.

- I mean, I genuinely for the first time,
I've got to commend all of you.

I genuinely want all of those prizes.

- We're getting better at it.
- Oh my God, do you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna give four people four points.

- Wow.

- And then there's one
that I'm going to give an extra point to.

Five points for bringing in a trophy,

that wasn't used

on the quiz show that's written on it,

go to David Baddiel.

(Applause)

Right, what's the first task proper then, you little weasel?

- Thank you, we're gonna start
with a little game of I Spy.
Ready? Here we go.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- I can't see Alex.

- "Give Alex a five word instruction
"in the most spy-like way."

- Where is Alex?

- "You must not be seen,
"or heard communicating with Alex, in any way. "

- "Most subtly

"but successfully communicated instruction wins."
- "You have 20 minutes, within which Alex

"must carry out your instruction."

- "Your time starts now."

Why am I by a van?

- Is this live?

(Laughter)

- So, that's Alex reading a newspaper looking
totally inconspicuous.

- Headphones here.
- A walkie-talkie.

- How do you turn it on, oh.
Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

- Does this open?

- Hmm, very useful.

- This is to do with invisible ink isn't it, lemons.

- I can't remember if you write in lemon juice,
what makes you see it.

Okay.
I mean, I've panicked and opened a lemon up.

- Five word instruction,
okay the instruction itself doesn't have to be...
spy-y.

It's not like I say to him:

That's six words.
And he knows what that means, not that.

- But I've got to get it over there, right?

But where are the bad guys?
I'm really

struggling with the logic of this task.

(Applause)

- I mean you look, honestly first impressions,
like the worst set of spies of all time.

The quote that I wrote down that sums you all up is,

"I've panicked and opened the lemon up."
(Laughter)

Rose, I've wrote down everything you said,
"Where's Alex? Is this live?"

"I've got to get it over there right? Right?"

- She was the only one who thought
there were bad guys.

We're going to start with two very subtle men,
the men.

Ed and uh, Ed and David, here we go.

- Not a good sign.
- No.
I don't understand all this bollocks.

I'm gonna go for it in a more actor-y way.

I'm a white van man.

My enemies won't notice that it's me,

because I'm heavily disguised.

- Has anyone got some spare time on their hands?
Can you pop this one for me?

- I better take my glasses off,
'cause they don't really wear glasses,
white van men.

- Put this one, pop that on.

(Audience laughter)

- Oh.

Okay, what I've done,
is I've got so obsessed with the character,

I've forgotten to put the instruction on.

Here, can put it in the back.
- I need you to be obvious,

but also look like you're trying to not be obvious.

Go now, go now.

Don't bump your head.

- Just off to deliver some stuff.

Still in character, I'm checking the radio for
talk sport.

(Audience laughter)

- (Yells) Loud!

- Excuse me, mate.
Got a delivery here.

- Got a delivery?
- Yeah.

That's my van,
wondered if you could help,
just get the stuff out the back?

- Out of the back?
- Stuff out the back.
Got stuff to deliver out the back.

(Audience laughter)

(Applause)

- Spy Ed, you got hold of a decoy,
- Decoy.

you sent him to interact with Alex.
So far, so good.

At that point, you then
thundered across an open field,

like a giant primary school child.

Ducking, presumably behind the sky.

(Laughter)

- I didn't know where the bad guys were.

- David Baddiel.
- David!
- Yes.

He did it in an actor-y way.

- I wrote that down, "in an actor-y way."
- I created a character

that was so different from myself,

that even the bad guys watching on television

would have no idea.
- I've got a problem with one small part of it.

- Yes.
- And that is
I don't think it matters what you do,

you always sound like David Baddiel.
- Yeah.

That is true.
But that is the best acting I've ever done.

- I sort of want to hear more from Dave bloke.
- Okay, but he speaks like this.

- Right, it's time for a break now,
you know the poem.

(Sings) "Make tea, have a wee,
and then rejoin Alex and me."
See you in a bit.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello

and welcome back to the ninth episode

of the ninth series.
Before the break, we had
an undercover operation underway.

- Yes we did, they had been trying
to get a message to me,

without any direct communication.
Before the break, David Baddiel

disguised himself as David Baddiel driving a van.

And Ed Gamble disguised somebody else
as somebody else,

and then noisily ran up and threw some paper at me.
Let's see Katy and Jo now.

- Oh there he is.

(Casually whistling)

- Didn't know I could whistle.
(Continues whistling)

(Clears throat) Ahem.
Nice day for it.

Ahem.

(Sighs) Deh-deh deh.

Oh dear.

(Applause)

(Applause)

- Katy first.

I sort of felt like
you had so many ticks and coughs and whistles,

that you just seemed ill, really ill.

- That's just me being normal.

- Let's throw into that as well,
the fact that you were wearing a hi-vis jacket.

- It took a long time for you to open
the newspaper to the--

- But again I was trying to be subtle, because--

- You were just trying to blend in.
- Of course you wouldn't

open to that page straight away.
You'd read it a little bit, have a cough.

- (Clears throat) (Sniffs) Ohhh no.

I actually wrote down something you said,
"Deh-deh deh."

- I don't think any of the bad guys saw Katy communicating with me,

except for saying "Nice day for it."

- It was my understanding that
you weren't allowed to communicate at all,

that it was full communication that wasn't allowed.

- I didn't communicate with him, I was talking to myself.

- Here's an interesting thing,
you could probably learn from this,

Jo went for a hiding in plain sight thing by

inventing a character of a total lunatic.

- You're not saying I can learn something
from what Jo did.

- Yeah!
- Are you shitting me?!

- How dare you!!

(Laughter)

See, I didn't think it mattered
whether it was actually me or not,

as long as it wasn't obvious that I delivered a message.

- That's exactly it.
- I could have just been walking past him.

- That's exactly it, both did some really nice
character work.

- Yeah.
- Who's left?
- Let's see how Rose Matafeo does inconspicuous.

- Just a rock.

I lost the docket.

(Exasperated) I lost the--

(Applause)

- It was really subtle and you hid the--
You stopped and you moved forward and you stopped.

And you allowed eyes that might be surveying the scene to get used to a rock.

Then, all of a sudden

you fully stood up.

So the rock had full lady's legs.

And was up, walking across open ground.

Up until that point it was pretty secretive.

- But it was very hard to crouch under a rock
when you're not good in the head.

- What I'm wondering about now is whether I'm going to give Rose more marks than Ed.

(Laughter)

I have to say, the thing that
I would have doubted the least,

was the van man.

Five points to David Baddiel.
- Okay, full points to David Baddiel.

Okay, second place.
- Second place,

because I think she created a genuine distraction,

- Right.
- I'm giving four points to Jo Brand.
- Okay, four to Jo.

- Few too many ticks for my liking,
but worthy of three points for sure.

Probably would have survived the incident, Katy Wix.
- Third place, well done Katy.

- (Shouts) Let's party!

This is going to be anti-climax now,
I'm gonna give them two points each.

- Okay, they both get two points.
(Applause)

- Alex, show me the scoreboard.
- Yes, well Ed and Rose are joint last on 6 points,

but he's not won an episode,
he's now in the lead with maximum points

David Baddiel has 10 points!

(Applause)

- Does that mean I have to wax your chest?
- Yeah.

- One more of those lovely tasks, please.
- Okay, how about some blowing and some popping.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- It's Ed Gamble.

Oh, boy.

- "Inflate, tie and pop

"as many balloons as possible in 10 minutes."
- I don't like popping balloons.

I mean, bang them.
Make them go bang.

Make them bang.

- Ohhh, wish it was a drawing one.

- Oh my God, this is like a bleeding novel.

- "Once you pop your first balloon
"you may not inflate any more balloons."

- "If any of your balloons are inflated
after 10 minutes, you are disqualified.

"Most popped balloons win."

- "If any of your balloons-- (complete gibberish)

- "Also you may not look at a clock
or any sort of timing device...

"at any point."

- I'm so bad at estimating time.
- Do you fully understand all the rules?

- "Your time starts now."
Okay, I'm gonna go and have a look for a pump.

- Okay.
- I mean, I don't know if there is a pump.
Any kind of pump.

I mean, one that will be used in this case, for balloons.
(Audience laughter)

Oh dear.

- Okay it's pretty straight forward,
I don't want to mess around too much.

I will just point out that Jo Brand is the first person
in Taskmaster history,

to be too lazy to even read the task out.

And I would also like to enjoy David's statement,

"Don't like them go bang."

(Laughter)

Just two parts left till Ed Gamble gets a live wax,
and Rose's nuddy lady

gets freed from her icy nightmare.
But for now it's time

for Alex to say bye bye for this part of the show.

- Ba-bye.
- Nope, say it like you mean it.

- Ba-bye!!
- Bye!

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Inflation across the nation, Alex.

- That's right, our contestants
are currently trying to inflate

and then pop the most balloons within 10 minutes,
without any sort of timer.

It's about judging time and knowing
when to stop blowing and start popping.

Like life itself.

And we're gonna start with a man with a beard
and a lady without one,

it's David and Rose, first of all.

- Okay.
Is there a balloon pump, am I wasting my time here?

I mean, we might be overdoing it here.

What's that?
Is that a balloon pump?

Why didn't you tell me that was there?
- Four Mississippi, five Mississippi,

six Mississippi, seven...

- Can you help me?

You're doing it quite well.
- Thank you.

- Seven, eight,
eleven.

- I want to win the task,
- Yes.
but I hate the sound of balloons popping.

- I'm gonna play it safe and pop these balloons.
- Here we go.

Definitely, this should be easier.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

- Thank you, Rose.
- Thank you.

- There we go.

Thank you very much.
- Thank you, David.
(Applause)

- There was no pause before she went
"Okay, I know what I'm doing here."

The Mississippi system was employed straight away.
- Yeah, I played it safe though.

Also, I never asked Alex for help.
Do guys ask for help more than the girls?

- David asked for help almost every task.
And I always said yes because I knew

ultimately it wouldn't affect the competition.

- It is amazing that David, with two feet,

threw all of this body weight onto a balloon,
and it didn't pop.

That is quite remarkable.
- I am frightened of the sound,

so maybe I wasn't putting my whole weight on it.
- Don't like them go bang.

- These two have registered scores,
17 and 14 from David.

But they both completed the task,
which is something.

- Which is incredible.
- Yeah.
(Applause)

- Who's next?

- It's Jo and Katy now, it always is.
Here's how Jo and Katy got on.

- How do these work?
Just like this.

I'm not very good on balloon work.

Okay, I wonder how long it's been.

- Well, I think that's roughly 10 seconds.
And then say I'm talking in between for 20 ish.

So that's half a minute.

So I think when I get to

15 ish, I might just start popping them.

- It'll be fine, I can't-- can you do that?

- What do you want me to do?
- Can you tie it off, please?

- See that one probably took about a minute.

(Balloon squeaks)

- Oh my God.

That is just how I feel.

I think I'm nearly ready to pop, you know.

- 13, that's me done then.

- The 10 minutes must nearly be up.

- Why won't my earring work?
Oh fuck it.

Are these not pop-able?

That's the answer.

Okay.
- Thank you, Jo.
- Thank you, Alex

So, see you later bye!
- Bye-bye Jo.

- [Audience] Ohhhhh.

- Fuck off!

(Laughter)

- They deserved it, Jo.
- Sorry, I mean thanks.

What's wrong with me?

- So, zero points?
- Zero points.
Despite, you did inflate 13 in five minutes,

which was pretty quick compared to everyone else.

But uhh yeah you're--
- Oh thanks, Alex.
- That's alright.

- I thought your demeanour was interesting
in that one, Katy.

There's a line,
"I think I'm nearly ready to pop, you know."

Where you put me in mind
of someone who's in charge or a village fate.

How did she do, though?

- Oh very badly, she went to get
some cocktail sticks at the beginning,

that took a little while, she didn't start popping till
10 minutes and 15 seconds.

- Why rush, the fate'll get opened
when you want the fate to be opened.

Ladies, let's let the hoards in I suppose.

Right, who's last?
- Well, it's a man who's absolutely riddled with air.

It's Ed Gamble.

- I think I've hit quite a nice rhythm, actually.
Yeah, fuck that.

Can you blow some balloons up for me?
- No.
- No, okay.

Alright, wait there.

Je suis diabetic.

Right.
- How long's left?

- I don't know, I recon maybe three minutes left,
but I think I've just go to do it.

That's probably my time gone now.

Thank you, NHS.

I think I've probably done it within the time anyway.

- Thank you, Ed.
(Applause)

- I mean, absolutely incredible and yet all I can see

is you bent over running across a field.

That was amazing, and so many things to enjoy.

I enjoyed your--
(Jo sneezes)
- Come on, Jo!

(Laughter)

You can't let me have one moment, can you?!

(Laughter)

- Well, do you want to know how many balloons he inflated?
- Yeah!!

- He did one, for a full 10 minutes,
one every 15 seconds.

He inflated 41 balloons.

(Applause)

So, it's five points to Ed Gamble.

Four points to Rose Matafeo,
and David Baddiel gets three points for that.
(Applause)

- One more, please.
- Okay then, and this one is my

joint favourite task.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Hello.
- Oh, hello David.

- Do you live here?
- Yes.
- I like what you've done with the place.

- Hello.
- Hello, Jo.

- "Make either a knee and an elbow, "

- "a knee and a knee, "

- "or an elbow and an elbow look like a famous couple."

- "You must only use your knees and elbows."

- "Best representation
"of a famous couple on knees and or elbows, wins."

- "You have 20 minutes, your time starts now."
- Instant thought obviously the Beckhams.

- Frida Kahlo and Diego...

- Maradona.

- My first thought was Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton.

- So, I'll have to use a knee and an elbow.

So that's like a fat person
who's married to a thin person.

- My first thought was Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
- Henry VIII and whoever.

- Do I have time to shave my legs?

- Depends on who you're representing on your
knee and elbow, I suppose.

- Who does Bruce Willis go out with?
- Demi Moore.

- Bleeding quite a lot now.

- Do you want me to get you a bit more soap?

- I'll tell you what would be nice,

maybe some tissues to clean off
all the fucking blood off my knees.

- Can't remember what her nose looks like.

- Posh and Becks, "what you doing David?"

- Oh, I've messed this one up.
Good to know I can start again.

- I mean, they're one of the most famous couples.

- William and Kate, they did a Christmas card,
looked exactly like that.

- Looks like something from a horror film.
- No, hang on.

Yeah I mean, I'm doing this for the sake
of your television program,

and now look what's happening.

- (Blows whistle) That's your time up, Katy.
Oh wow.

(Applause)

- I think we should just get into it.
- Yeah, well we're gonna show David's final effort.

See if you can work out which couple this is.
Here we go.
- Okay.

- It's a pun and a couple.

- Is it The Two Ron-knees?
- Yes!

- The Two Ron-knees.
What about that?

- It is very good, it's very good,
I just don't like a pun.

- Also my pants are in it, do I get extra for that?
- No, you really don't.
- Okay.

- Well done for wearing white ones thought.

- Thank you.
- Alright, you gotta be careful of them.

- We've set a standard.
- Yeeessss.
- Next up,

this is what Jo did, can you work out who these are.

- Jesus Christ.

Oh I know who this is.
- Who?

- It's Henry VIII isn't it, and one of his wives.

I know it 'cause you're obsessed with Henry VIII.

- I love him.

- I think I'm right historically,
that Henry VIII was a big monkey wasn't he?
(Laughter)

"Oh oh oh oh chop her head off!"

It's break time, see you shortly.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello!

Welcome back to the last part of the show,
where Katy Wix's bank details are soon to be won

by the same person that will wax Ed Gamble.
Happy Birthday!

- Yes, happy birthday.
Before the break, they were trying to draw

famous couples on their knees, elbows
or a combination of the above.

We've had The Two Ron-knees from David Baddiel,

and Hen-knee VIII with Elboleyn from Jo Brand.

- Heyyyyy

Superb.

- I'm pretty pleased with that.
- Yeah, yeah I know you are.

- Yeah, next up it's Katy Wix, this is what she did.

The first to use two elbows,
I can give you another angle.

There we go.
- Oh!
It's old Frida with the big eyebrow.

- It's Frida Kahlo, that's right.

- And the other one.
- I don't know who her husband is.
- Diego Rivera.

- It's difficult isn't it, because if I just saw
the left one on it's own I'd go "meh".

But the right one,

- If you squint it's quite good,
which is exactly what they would've wanted.

- Let me try that.

- See what I mean?
- No, same.

I really like it, it's really done something to me.

- Thanks.
- I think I, I think maybe I've changed.

- Let's hope.
- Who's next?
- Rose Matafeo's knees or elbows here.

Those are her knees and her feet are at the top.

- Think, classic Hollywood.
Think Cleopatra.

- That's Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.
- Don't look at me like that!

What about that doesn't look like--
- This is Richard Burton?

- That actually looks like Richard Burton.

- Can you take the image down for me, for a second.

- Here we go.
- I know a Richard Burton quote.

I'm gonna say the quote, then we'll bring that up.
And we'll see if it fits, ready?
- Okay.

- "I might run from her for a thousand years,

"and she is still my baby.

"Our love is so intense,

"we burn each other out."

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- Perfect, perfect.

- Thank you, for proving my point.
- Okay, who's left?

- Body art ultra-fan, Ed Gamble.
Here's his recognisable pair.

- [Everybody] Ohhhhh!!

- Oh my God, Ed!!

- I can't look at that.
- It's actually disgusting.

- Is it two boxers?

- They have had a fight, that is the backstory.

- Is it Ross Kemp and his reflection?

- The two Mitchell brothers?
- Thank you, David!

(Applause)

- Is it them as crisps?

(Laughter)

- Wanna see all five sets of knees
and elbows on the screen?

- Oh yeah that will really help, won't it.
- That's what you've got to judge.

- Alright, my instinct is I'm going to give Katy five points,
'cause it's the artwork

on the joint that I enjoyed the most.

(Laughs) I'm sorry, one point to Jo,
I'm going the other way.

I'm gonna give two points to Elizabeth Taylor.

- So, it's two points to Rose Matafeo,
one point to Jo Brand and five points to Katy Wix.

- Yes, the amount of pain and struggle
that went into Ed's,

needs to be regonised to some extent.
But I hadn't got a clue who they were,

where as, instantly I knew that iconic image.

And he bothered to put a joke in it.
Do you know what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna give both men three marks,
that's the way I'm gonna play this.

- Three marks, okay so three points
to David Baddiel and Ed Gamble.
(Applause)

- Hey, what's the scores?
- Well, with one task left to go,

it's very exciting, David Baddiel
is still in the lead with 16 points.
(Applause)

- Okay, please say farewell to your chairs

and head to the stage for the final task of the show!

(Applause)

Alex, who's going to read the final task out?
- Ed Gamble.
- Heyyyy!

- "Standing in a queue
"draw the most accurate pictures.

"Alex will show the person
at the back of the queue a picture.

"The person at the back of the queue
must draw this picture

"on the back of the person in front of them.

"The person at the front of the queue
must draw the picture

"they think has been drawn, on the back of their pad.
"You have one minute per drawing.

"No one may communicate with anyone else.

"The team with the most accurate three drawings wins."

So can I just check,
have I been put on a team with David Baddiel?

- Can I just say, we've done it alphabetically.
- Okay.
- The thinking is,

there's a team of three that'll have to pass
one drawing across two backs.

But to make it fair, you're with David Baddiel.

- Please, can the people at the back of the queue

come and have a look at what I've got on my card.
That's you and Ed, Jo.

Have a little look at that,
you may now no longer communicate.
Except with your finger.

Okay, you have one minute,
starting (blows whistle).

- Let's draw.
- What, what are you doing?

- No communication please, no communication.
- I can't communicate.

- He was gripping Ed's finger,
and stopping him from doing anything.

The most sensuous of the tasks that we've done, I think.

- Well, it depends how you look at it.
- Right David, that's it that's all you get.

- Six seconds left, six seconds.
- What are you doing, why are you still drawing?

- (Whistle blows) Stop the drawing, stop the drawing.

- What the living fuck have you done?!

- No communication, please wait, please wait.
Stay at the front, stay at the front.

- You were literally just drawing anything.

- Rose, show Greg what you've done,
just hold it up and prop it on the table, please.

- Thank you, that is a lovely...

cow, a dog?

- A cow or a dog, okay and
David please show them what you've done.
- David, you prick.

(Laughter)

At no point did my finger leave your back,

so I don't know how you've got eyes and eyeballs.

- Well, you were supposed to do...
a horse.

- Ohhh, well done.

- It didn't occur to me that it wouldn't be a person.
- Did you hear that, he just said

"it didn't occur to me it wouldn't be a person."

- Okay, please David come to the back of the queue.

and Ed can you turn over a couple of pages so it's blank.

And I'd like David and Rose to come and have a look
and see what's on my card.

- It's gonna be a human face, isn't it.

- You may no longer communicate.
Okay, you have one minute,

starting (blows whistle).
- Let's draw.

- Can't wait to see this.

- I'm doing this again.
- You're doing it again, no you can't do it again.

- This is all communication.
- It's not helping.
- 10 seconds,

10 seconds, 10 seconds

- Don't get your team disqualified please.
- Five seconds left.

- Oh guys.
(Whistle blows)

I'm really sorry.
- Ed do you want to show, first of all Greg,
what you've drawn?

- Yeah, sorry we cheated a bit,
the communication really helped.

- Why did you do that?

- That's what you did on my back.
- That is not what I did on your back.

- Thank you, Katy please reveal.

- I'm really sorry, I'm really sorry.

- Wow,
at best I would say it was

a jellyfish?

- Well, they were supposed to draw a church.
(Laughter)

- I'll have to give that to them.
Because there are at least angles in it.

So yeah, we're gonna give that to the gents.

- Okay, so it's one - one, and now it's time for the decider.
- The big one.

- Katy, come to the back of the queue,
Ed can you come to the queue please.

- Okay, my tactics for this one is

feel what I'm doing, don't just decide
to do your own thing.
- I get that, I get that.

- Ed and Katy please come and have a look
at what's on the card.

No communication from now on please.

You have one minute,

starting (blows whistle).

- Katy's using very big flamboyant
movements at the back.

- Look at the stance on Gamble.
- Great, yeah.

- Two seconds left.

(Whistle blows)
Stop, stop, stop.

No communication.

Jo Brand, please show Greg what you've drawn.
- Ohh.
- What do you think you've drawn, Jo?

- Fuck knows.

- It looks to me like a close-up of a human hair follicle.

- Okay, we've got a human hair follicle on this side.

- Can I?
- Yes please, show Greg what you've drawn.

- Is it a cubist men's genital?

- Would you like to see it?
- Yes please.
- They were meant to do three aubergines.

- Ours is pretty close.
- It's not that bad.
- It's not bad.

- I've come to my decision,
let's get it out of the way with now.

Five points to the ladies, three points to the gents.

- There we have it, the ladies with five points each.

- Come back down, we'll add those to the final score.

(Applause)

- Going into the final that means uhhh,
David's on 118--

- I can't win it, is that what you're saying?
- Yeah, but that was three episodes ago.

Jo's on 144, Rose 147, Katy 149.

Ed, a lead of six points going into the final, on 155.

- So, Alex,

- The scores of this episode, we have three people tied

in second place on 17 points, but for the first time

he's won an episode, David Baddiel's got 19 points!
(Applause)

- Episode nine

belongs to David Baddiel.

Please take Ed up to the stage
and wax him until he's silky smooth.

So,

what have we learned today?
Well, they say a rolling stone gathers no moss.

It can't, it's got a fully grown woman underneath it.

Go and get some rest and we'll see you next time
for the fancy old final.

But for now, please roar once more

for tonight's unexpected winner,

David Baddiel!

(Applause)