All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s09e08 - Shaqinahat

(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Cheering and applause)

- Hello, thank you very much!

I'm Greg Davis and this is Taskmaster.

Five mighty warriors are battling out

to win a prize that none of them want,

but absolutely have to have, it's contractual.

They have to take it home,
and give it a lovely kiss every night.

Let's meet them now, they are titans.

They are:

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

and Rose Matafeo.

And here's a guy who, without hair

would be as physically featureless as one sausage.

It's Little Alex Horne!

(Appause)

Hello.
- Hello.

- How are you?

- Today I'm good, I'm full of ambition
and optimism.

- Good.
- I've come up with a new TV show,

- Okay.
- but I'd like you to be in it.

If that's alright.
- Will I be presenting?

- Do you want to present it?
- Let's see.

- Well, I don't know what the concept--
all I've got is a theme tune so far.

Would you like to hear the theme tune?
- Yes, please.

- My friend Willet wrote it, and it sounds like this.

(Music plays) "It's the Alex Horne Show, it's the Alex Horne Show.

"It's the Alex Horne Show, it's the Alex Horne Show.

"Oh, with Greg Mavis."

That's what we did.
- With Greg Mavis?

- We can change that, if you want to change that
we can change that.

- No no.

No, I'm good with Mavis.

Thanks, Alex!
- Okay.

- Can you tell me what the prize category is, please.

- Course I can,

we've asked them to bring in the best thing

from a shed.

For example, I think milk is the best thing
and I keep my milk in the shed.

So I'd probably bring in milk.

Ding ding ding ding ding, five points.

- Incredibly, ladies and gentlemen,
all of that was on autocue.

(Laughter)

Okay, hello Jo Brand.

- Hi, Greg.

- What's the best thing you brought in from a shed?

- It's a beautiful sculpture.

- Here it is.

(Laughter)

- I'm sort of nervous to ask you who it is.

- Ah, I'm afraid it's me.

My dad did it.

(Laughter)

My dad was like an amateur--

Obviously.

Not a professional. '

And if you want some sort of

uhh, benchmark of his skill,

he did a portrait of my sister-in-law,

for a Christmas present.

And when she opened it she cried,

cuz it was so awful.

- That's the first prize.

- It is sort of weirdly beautiful, isn't it?

- None of us could do that, it's awesome.

I'd, I'd have it.

- Well, congratulations, I suspect.

Rose, what have you brought in from your shed?

- So, as you know I'm quite new to this country,
relatively new.

So I don't really have a shed,

or access to a shed,

or friends with a shed.

- What about a 'shed'?

(Laughter)

- Why, what's funny about a shed?

- A shid?
- A shed.

- A shed.

- A 'shed'.

(Laughter)

- Tell us about your 'shid'.

- Well in every good, every good shed,

um I--

Alex, don't you start.

- It is funny when she says it.

(Laughter)

So silly.
- (Inaudible) are from different backgrounds, it's nuts.

Umm, thank you for colonising us, by the way.

Really appreciate that.

But I brought this, every good New Zealand shed has this.

It's a poster of New Zealand fish species.

- Here it is.

- So I can't wait for those big points.

(Laughter)

- Just someone who like,
keeps their garden tools in a place,

would go "Okay that's it, lawnmower, rake, hoe,

fish poster..."

- It's where you keep your fishing rods,

you know, you like to look at all your fish.

Be proud of the fish that come from your country.

- Are you saying that you can be proud of fish
that come from your country?

- Yeah!
- Because they are mobile creatures.

So, New Zealand have got so few people

that they have to claim fish as residents.

- Don't clap that, don't clap that.

- Clap it.

- The dead ones aren't mobile,
well I suppose they float.

- So many fish,

so little points.

David?
- Yes.

- You got anything better than a poster with fish on it?

- Well, I umm

always think that in a shed

there are a lot of spiders and spider's webs,

and I don't like spiders.

I would have this.

Thus allowing me to go in the shed

and not worry about spider's webs.

And then afterwords, use it for sex games.

- Thanks Dave.

- I was gonna wear that tonight
and then I chickened out.

- Ed, go on.

- This is from my mother's shed,

it's a gift I bought for her.

It's a garden gnome, which shouldn't be in a shed

but she insists for some reason, on keeping it in her shed.

Here's a picture of it.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- So, he's having to transport his cock
in a wheelbarrow?

It's just archetypal

male sexual fantasy.

- It's not a fantasy, it's a disease,
look a the size of it!

- What's the female equivalent,

vagina in a shopping trolley?

- Would you have laughed as much
with a vagina in a shopping trolley?

- Oh yes.

- Are you kidding me, if I could find one of those,

that would have been for mum's next Christmas.

- Katy, let's move away from sex gnomes.

- Right, yes, so first of all

I have got you an old step ladder.

- Here it is.

- But wait,

huge reveal.

Picture two, please.

It's from a doll's house shed-- 'shid'.

(Laughter)

- Shed.
- 'Shid'.

- Okay.

- And there's more.
- There's more items.

- There's more in the-- there's more items to be shown.

- Yes, more little things, they are all very little.

- It gets cuter and cuter by the minute, boy.

Have you seen the drill?

Just so you've taken it in.
- It is small, yeah.

- Great stuff.

- Looks like someone's back in the game.

- Are you kidding?

We are not alike at all.

That's weird.

- I think maybe Katy, it's just because I'm

quite sensitive about being too big.

- Oh I see, it's you from the other way.
- Bringing me in like,

even smaller things from the shed.

Just grinds my gears a bit.
- Really?

- It's tough, innit.

- So how many points for Katy?

- One.
- One, okay.

- I did okay last week, I'm fine.

- I'm gonna give David two points,

and I'm gonna give Rose three.

Tiny gnome, big dick

four points.

And I'll tell you why,
because I thought there was a strange

haunting beauty to Jo's shed statue.

And I know from her face,

that she doesn't want me to give it five points,

and so (yells) five points!

- Jo Brand!

(Applause)

- Alright, on we go.

- Okay, we're gonna start with one
for all those peddle bin fans.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

Hello, Rose.
- Hi, Alex.

- Hello.
- Hello, Ed.

- It's a bin.

- Yeah?
- Okay.

- Yeah, great.

- Would you mind opening the task.

- Oh, is it in here?
- Yeah, it's in the bin.

- "Throw something into this peddle bin
from the furthest distance."

- "The peddle bin must be shut

"when you throw your thing.

- "The peddle bin must be shut
when you throw your thing."

- "You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

- "Your time starts now."

How's the thing gonna get in there
if the peddle bin's shut, Alex?

- It seems to me,

to be physically complex.

- Okay.
- It's annoying isn't it?

- Yeah, I've gotta, I've gotta have-- okay.

I'm going to the shed.
- Be careful.

(Applause)

- This is a fiendish task.

Do you want to explain it, just to make it absolutely clear

you nasty little boy

- Well, I guess it's like trying to kick a ball into a goal,

but in front of the goal there's like a garage door system,

the garage door is shut.

and you've got to open the garage door before--

- Ohhh, anyone else bored?

So, they've got to let go of the thing they're throwing
before they can open the bin.

- Yeah, that's gotta be shut when you let go of it.

- Yeah that was short wasn't it?

- That was a very good explanation.

- Okay, let's see somebody do it now.

- Okay, well we've had literally hundreds of people write in to say

they'd like to see Katy and Rose have a go at this first,

so here they are.
- That better be true.

- Needs to be slightly heavier.

- So, this is me playing it safe.

- I can do that,

but it's gotta be closed.

- I'm not convinced that was shut when you let go.

- Let me make it more aerodynamic.

- Which do you think happened first?

- I don't even know if I can throw.

- Wanna measure that?

- Are you sure it was shut when you threw it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- 1000%

- How much?
- Thousand.

- Ahhh.

That would have counted.

Lovely, one metre 20.

- Thank you.

- One metre 50.

- Can you like, just smack it in as I throw it?

- Smack it in?
- Yeah.

Can you stand, sort of here.

It's not gonna smack you in the...

- Well, it looks like it is gonna--
- Penis.

- I think it might smack me in the penis.

- Ready?

Ahhh! Sorry.

Sorry.

- Oh, imagine if I just tried to do it--

Ohh! It's gonna work, it's gonna work!

No!

- Found a bit of brick.

This might be easier.

Put that there, see I knew it would come in handy.

Oh it wasn't shut.

I've dented the bin.

- Congratulations.

- Oh, thank God.

- One last ditch attempt.

Okay, I'm done.

- I'm gonna have to put this bin in another bin now.

- How's your crotch?

- Same as the bin.

- Ugly sight.

- Thanks, Katy.
- Thank you.

(Applause)

- Katy got there, right?

- Yeah, Katy got it in from one metre 40,

which is an achievement, it's a very hard task.

- Rose, I thought that your technique was genuinely...

it looked like you were playing a professional sport.

- Yeah, I don't know why I was going for a bounce.

But I managed to do it.

- I'm not a betting man,
but I suspect she beat one metre 40.

Yes Rose, Shaq in a hat, two metres 45.

- Sorry, Shaq in a hat?

- Yeah, Shaquille O'Neal wearing a hat, Shaq in a hat.

- Shaq in a hat?

- Why you saying Shaq in a hat?

- Two metres 45 is equivalent to Shaq in a hat.

- (Thick New Zealand accent) Shaq in a hat.

- Shiq in a hit in a shid.

Okay, time for some adverts,
no one wants them

but we're in a capitalist society
you pesky commies, so watch them.

See ya in a bit.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hi there.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

it's part two of episode eight

of series nine.
- Correct.

And the current task involves the contestants

trying to throw something into a peddle bin
from the furthest distance.

But, and this is the tricky part,

they have to release the thing before opening the bin.

It's time for two people from a very different era.

It's Jo and David.

- People who know me well,

will tell you that I'm a very unpractical man.

And I'm gonna prove that's wrong

with some rope.

- It doesn't really say

whatever you throw's got to stay in the air

till it gets in the bin, does it?

- No.

- But then again, I'm quite lazy
so I can't be arsed to walk very far.

- Right, from here

I can like, lasso it up.

And I lasso it up...

- It doesn't look like a very happy bin.

- Have I broken it?
- Little bit.

- Let's assume that's shut,
here we go.

- Can you ask a person to open it?

Now.

Go!

Oh bollocks, that was terrible.

- You can't yank it, can you?

Right, yank.

I actually thought it was gonna go in.

- Hmm, I didn't.

- Go!

Terrible, go.

Go.

Crap.

- Yank.

Yank.

Yank.

No, no you didn't yank.

- No, I tripped over on the way.

- I mean, if you yanked at the right time
that would have gone in.

- It would have gone in?
- Definitely.

- Do you wanna be the sound man?

- How do you do it?
You point that at the bin.

- Point that at the bin.

Pick up the bin,

when I shout "go",

open the bin, run towards me and catch it.

It sounds so simple, let's see what happens.

- Right, position this near the peddle.

- Okay, ready, stead, go!

Yes!

That'll do me.

- You done?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

-Ahhhh!!!

- Ohhh!!!

Is it embarrassing?
- It wasn't embarrassing for me.

Thank you, David.
- Thanks.

(Applause)

- Both people have a fixed way
of approaching physical tasks.

Jo's is to be heron-like and still

until she's worked out a way of not moving at all.

Getting somebody else to do the physical task for her.

But that was a system that worked a treat, wasn't it?

- Yeah.
- Did it beat "Shiq in a hit?

- It was a Shat in a hat on a cat, it was two metres 60.

- And we're all familiar with the term now,
there was no questioning of that.

- David.
- Yes?

I did it, did I?

- A lot of these-- the physical challenges,

it's like, we've set you a tricky thing to do

and then we've given you personally the extra challenge,

of being David Baddiel.

(Laughter)

- That's, that is incredibly true.

- But even when you had an assistant,

that whole tying a rope to it

and pulling the bin over thing, was astonishing.

- It's so ambitious, but no one else thought to use a bath.

- No one thought of that.

But did I actually not get it in at all?
- Did David get a ball in?

- There was no balls in the bin.

- No balls in the bin?
- No balls in the bin.

- Not one?

- Very insane though.
Okay, who's next?

- There's still Ed Gamble left to see.

- I suppose I could

try and kick the bottom out of the peddle bin
and turn it upside down.

Come on, you--

Right.

- So, that bin's shut is it?

- Yeah, the lid's shut.

Just it's bottom's open.

I might try a massive one first.
- I would.

- Feels ambitious, this one.

- I'm just gonna protect the window.

- That'll do it.

(Audience laughter)

I don't know why I'm sticking with golf ball,

I could get some stones as well.

Was that in, or did it just hit it?
- It just hit it.

- Oh come on, Ed!

I might try and get one in at least.

- You should try and get one in, yeah.

- Right, get that measured.

- Put that down as a marker for your first attempt.

- Yeah thank you, first attempt.

Okay, mark it up.

One's gone in there, hasn't it?

- There is a stone in the bin.

- Come on, Alex check, check, check.

- Four stones in the bin.
- Yes!

Come on, come on, time check.

- 41 seconds.

- Do I have time... Okay.

Go, check.
- Nope.

- Do I have time to get--

Genuinely just picked up some leaves,
'cause I panicked.

(Whistle blows)

(Applause)

- That was um, testosterone central.

You kicked the bottom out the bin,

you were all pumped up.
- It was sexy.

- Thank you, Katy.

- I thought it was sexy.
- It was working for me.

I wrote some of your sexy phrases down.

"Oh come on, Ed!"

"Get that measured, mark it up!"

"Come on, check, check!"

"Check, go check!"

(Laughter)

- The thing I noticed is that it really matters to Ed,

to win this.

It's coming out there I think, that desperation.

- I don't think it's desperation,
it's just dedication.

- Of course it is.

- Was the bin shut when he threw it?

- Of course it was.
- Okay!

- What's the wording of the task?

- The bin must be closed, when you throw your item.

- Closed.
- It's a peddle bin.

Press the peddle and the lid opens.
- One is a lid, one is not a lid?

- As the rules for international bin chuck
have not yet been established,

I'm gonna tell you now,
that if the bin lid is closed

the bin is closed.

- But what is a bin lid?

- I know about bins,
in England, in our sheds

we have posters of all different types of bins.

(Laughter and applause)

- You've got fire in your eyes.

- Desperation.

- Dedication, David!!

- It's too butch now.

- I have never been accused of being too butch.

- Well, you've cracked it tonight.

- Yeah, the butch boy threw it five--

five adult Shaqs and one two year old Shaq.

12 metres 40.

(Applause)

Okay, just need to check,

if you don't have a distance, do you get a point?

- If you don't have any distance at all?
- Yes.

- Means me.

- (Inaudible) David didn't get a distance.

- Didn't get a distance.
- Ohh, the old Baddiel pity point.

Give the man a point.

- Oh you're so kind, I'll take the pity point.

- One pity point to David, two to Katy.

Three to Rose, four to Jo Brand,
and five to Ed Gamble!

(Applause)

- Now then, can I see a nice big scoreboard, please?

- You can, David is in last place with three.

But we have two people in first place,

scoreboard, project!

It's Ed and Jo on nice points!

(Applause)

- What do we have next?

- This one is about making the best song in the world,

even better.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Hi.
- Oh hello, Rose.

- I'm already annoyed with this one.
- Because?

- Because there's music here,

and I can't read music and I have no musical talent.

- "Write the best lyrics to the

Taskmaster theme tune."

- "And perform them in the most memorable way."

- "You have 30 minutes, your time starts now."

- Okay, I have to tell you something,

Never watched Taskmaster.

(Audience laughter)

- What do you think the theme tune is?

- Uhhh, can't really recall.

- So are we allowed to play it,
or is that why I've got the music?

- How do you think it goes?

- No, because every time I do it,
I end up singing League of Gentlemen.

- There's some music here, I do read music.

- You've had a number one.

- Yeah I did, four times.

(Sings) "Taskmasters..."

Oh, bollocks.

- (Sings tune) "Daa da-da daaa,

"Daa da-da daaa."

- (Sings tune) "Daa da-da daaa".

It's Casualty I think, isn't it?

(Laughter and applause)

- Good, well at least one person here

has got four number ones to his name.

So this is gonna be incredible.

But first, we're stopping.

Part two, be gone!

- We have lift off!!

(Applause)

(Applause)

- Hello!

Welcome back to part three of Taskmaster.

That music sounded familiar, Alex.

- Yes it does, sadly we usually only get to hear it

eight times a show, but as a special treat

we're hearing it 13 times today.

Because the task is to write the lyrics for it.

Would you like to start with
the hit maker David Baddiel?

- Ohhh daddy four-ones?

- We're gonna start with daddy four-ones.

Here he is in action, David Baddiel.

- (Sings) "Taaa", sorry.

One, two, three, four.

(Sings) "Taskmaster's on,

"it is on now.

"Taskmaster's on,

"it is not..."

No, hang on, "It's not how it is".

(Sings) "It is not How,

"the program from the 1970s with Fred Dinenage.

"Taskmaster's on,

"sit yourself down

"on your sofa,

"right there in your own town."

(Applause)

- Is there any wonder we never won the world cup.

(Laughter)

The quality of the song, I can deal with that quickly.

- Okay.
- But,

but we are marking it on at the way
it being performed, being memorable.

- Most memorable performance.
- That was pretty memorable.

- He sight read the music, he played it correctly.

- He didn't listen to the-- go and listen to the theme tune, he just--

- He didn't leave the room at any point.

- Well, we'll come back to it, there were elements
I enjoyed very much

and I am impressed that you can sight read music.

- Yes, the bar is set at a hight.

Okay, next up it's rootin' tootin' Rose Matafeo.

(Western style Taskmaster theme tune)

- (Sings) "There was a country boy called Alex Horne,

"he had a heart of gold and a brain full of corn.

"He made up tasks sunrise to set,

"to test the cows and the chickens on their intellect.

"Till one day he went to the big city

"met a tall old man named Greg Davis.

"He said "I'm gonna put you on the TV,

"success will be ours there, I guarantee."

"We'll get five guys and gals to play your game,

"who will all be of varying levels of fame.

"Alex shook his hand and the deal was done.

""Yeehaw" Greg yelled, "we're gonna have some fun."

"So that's the story truth be told,

"How Little Alex Horne's little soul was sold.

"That's the tale, told by me

"of how Taskmaster came to be!"

Yeehaw!

(Cheering and applause)

- I mean, that was so good,
it got a small group of pensioners

clapping along.

That was genuinely amazing, I'm not even angry

that you referred to me as a tall old man.

- I forgot I said you had a brain full of corn.

- I've heard, I've heard worse insults,

during the series.

Was it an insult?
- No.

- Oh, thank you.

Next up is a contestant

with the most apt name for the task,

It's Katy LyrWix.

- (Sings) "Greg is so wise,

"and very tall.

"Alex is fine,

"not quite as tall.

"Will there be eggs?

"I like tasks with eggs.

"This is the song

"that plays at the start.

"Good luck to all the people taking part in tasks today."

(Applause)

(Laughter)

I've given myself a stitch.

(Laughter)

- I'm tall and wise, you're not quite as tall.

- No, she rhymed tall with tall in the end.

- Oh did she?
- Tall, it does rhyme.

- Did you rhyme eggs with eggs as well?

- Yes, she did.

It's quite a strict rhyme scheme.
- I made my point.

- Oh my God, that's gonna take some beating.

- Right okay, well it's Jo now,

and Jo has company.

- One, two, three, four.

(Sings) "Alex is great,

"Greg is a twat.

"Alex is thin,

"Greg's really fat.

"Alex goes "Wooo!",

"Greg just goes "Rat".

"If I don't win,

"you're toast!"

(Applause)

One point.

- Oh, you're gonna get mugged.

(Laughter)

- Just a twat.

Alex is thin.
- Yeah.

- Greg is just fat.

- So she has rhymed different words.

- "So how was work today?"
Yeah, not too bad.

Someone called me fat.

"Ahh, that's not very nice, who was it?"

Jo Brand.

(Laughter)

- It was part of the rhyme.

I couldn't think of anything else.

- Yeah, it was twat that came first, wasn't it?

- Yeah, it was.
- Just, just a twat.

- Uhh, yeah.

- Oh dear, can I go home?

- No you can't, you can just settle down

and look forward to the lack of points.

- Who's next?
- Well, it means that Ed is last again.

He chose his style of singing

because he thinks the theme tune sounds like

a certain someone making a noise, in a certain way.

So, we're gonna see Ed representing that certain someone, now.

- (Sings) "Where is my mum?

"Where has she gone?

"Waaah wa-wa waah,

"I'm a big baby.

"Please, hurry mum,

"I feel sad.

"I need my milk,

"I soiled myself.

"Oh, here comes my mum, thank God for that."

Mum!

(Applause)

- Jesus Christ.

Do you think the Taskmaster theme
sounds like a baby crying?

- "Waaah wa-wa waah,

"waah wa-wa waah."

- Is there any rhymes?
- No.

- Did we have to rhyme?

- No no, you had to demonstrate some musical skill.

But I mean, don't get me wrong,

I enjoyed the lovely little baby sitting on the hedge,

and the mum coming out and giving him a little kiss.

- Right, you've seen all five.

- Alright one point, guess what? Jo Brand.

Two points, David Baddiel.

Three points to Katy.

Four points to "Waah wa-wa waaaah."

Lovely baby, but it's the most rounded performance

and beautiful song was of course,

five points Rose Matafeo!

(Applause)

Do you know what I'd like right now?
- Oh yes.

- No, not that.

I'd like another task, please.

- Sorry, yes here uhhh, here we go.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Oh, there's a small black and white telly.

- I used to have one like that when I was a student.

- "Supply the sound for this film."

- "Supply the sound for this film."

- "You will have one chance to perform all the sounds

in time with the film in exactly 20 minutes from now."

- So we want time, we need to make a note of times.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- What have we got, we got a duck.

- So start off with a duck.

- Duck quack, quack, quack.

When Alex looks at the lake, he sort of breathes out.

- Crunching.
- Shoe.

- A scream.

- There's a man coming out of a bush,
bush noises.

- Beep-beep.
- Beep-beep.

- Running.
- Running.

- Splash.
- Splashing of water, splash, another splash.

- Blowing the whistle "fweeeeeeeee".

- Another, and then laughing, two laughs.

- Three claps, two clicks, one clink.

- Clink of beer, the end.

- But do you think we should do
some inappropriate noises?

- Yes.
- But, quite badly.

- I mean, I'm perfectly happy to do any noises

that suggest that Alex has shat himself.

Yeah.

(Applause)

- Okay, do you want me to tell you what the movie's called?

' Cause I wrote, directed and starred in it.
- Oh yes, please.

It's called The Valley,
subtitled The Wild Thing Rides Again.

We're gonna start with the shouty ones, and Katy.

Here we go, it's the team of three.

- Maybe someone needs to be in charge of the voices,

and someone needs to be in charge of this, the shoes.

- Yeah, so who's doing duck quacking?

- Umm, do you want to do the--

- I'll do duck quacking.

- Okay, I'll burst a balloon and then a kind of "pffft" noise, I'll do that.

- We're just gonna have to be on it.

- Just go with the flow.

(Ed quacks)

- (Sighs) Ahhhh.

(Bottle top snapping)

(Boots tapping)

(Boots tapping)

(Plastic crunching)

- (Long held yell) Ahhhhhhh!

(Leaves rustling)

- Beep-beep.

(Ding)
(Balloon pop)

(Water splashing)

(Leaves rustling)

(Gravel crunching)

(Leaves rustling)

(Bell dinging)

(Paper tearing)

(Honking)

(Audience laughter)

(Gravel crunching)

- Ahhh!

(Whistle blowing)

(Exaggerated laughing)

(Clapping)

(Finger snapping)

(Bottle clink)

(Applause)

- Pretty much professional.

It was, the only slightly inaccurate thing,

was that when the woman at the end laughed,

she laughed with the voice of three people.

- But maybe that was part of the narrative.

- Yeah, she was possessed.

- Maybe she was a ghoul?

Do the, the horn noise again.

- (Horn noise) Hah- huh.

(Applause)

- Great, quick break hurry back

because there is a fish poster to be won in part four.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello, yes.

It's another welcome back from me, Greg Davis.

A big juicy steak of a man,

with all the trimmings and none of the salad.

Before the break

there was some good old fashioned

foley going on, wasn't there?

- (Horn noise) Hah- huh.

- Yes, we've seen Ed, Rose and Katy show is how it's done.

Now it's the turn of my favourite double act,

Brand and Baddiel, here we go.

- What are we gonna do for that noise?

- What noise?
- I can just go "beep-boop".

- Yeah do that.
- Beep-boop, alright.

- Party popper.

- Why, what are you doing for that, I thought you were gonna go...

- Oh yeah, (pop)

Yeah, and when he's on that, shall I just go (grunts)?

- Yeah, if you like.
- I don't really want to do that.

- Yeah, do that.

Okay, here we go.
- Alright, then.

- So.

- Here we go.
- Okay.

Lovely day, (piano music).

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quaaaack quack.

- (Long sigh) Ahhhhhh.

(Can cracking open)

- Okay.

(metal jingling)

(frantic piano music)

(Whistling)

- Where's my whistle? (plastic crunching)

- (Long held yell) Ahhhhhh!

Rustle, rustle.

(Muffled rustling)

Beep-boop.

Oh, pop.
- Oh!

Sorry.
- Then it's splat.

(Water splashing)

- Rustle, rustle.

(Balloon wheezing)

More leaves, more leaves, more leaves, more leaves.

Okay, lands on the bike, plop.

Bell, where's the bell.
(Bell ringing)

Oh, God.

(Paper tearing)

- Maaa-maaaa.

(Audience laughter)

(Grunting)

(Stick smacking)

- Frightening man, frightening man.

- (Yells) Ahhhhhh.

(Frantic piano music)

Ahhhh.
- Ahhhhhh.

- Ahhhhh, thank heavens.

- Ahhhh.

- Whistle.
(Whistling)

(Exaggerated laughing)

(Clapping)

(Snapping)

(Bottle clink)

(Piano finale)

(Applause)

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

- I still think we'd do better than the youngins.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- I mean, it was genuinely really good.

- Thank you very much.

- But, it was some unusual decisions.

When Alex opened his car,

I wasn't expecting it to be
quite such a literal "beep-boop".

(Laughter)

- But what about the backing, we had a backing track which they didn't have.

- Oh, I'm coming on to that.

David did put a mood track on.

- It seemed like a silent film to me,

and therefore it needed a musical soundtrack.

- I mean, it was a silent film.
- Yeah, it was.

It was literally a silent film.

- I thought my scream,

was a tiny bit more anguished

than Rose's scream.

- It was.
- Okay.

- But who's to say how much
the character was screaming?

- Pretend to scream right now and put me versus David.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Perfect.
- Yep.

- Okay, open your-- I'll do mine...

- These will be short, sharp screams.
- Yep.

(Rose Screams)

- Oh, yes.

(Applause)

- Is that good, David?

- Three, two, one.

(David screams)

(Applause)

- I mean, a hair is split between them.

both powerful, that's not solved anything.

- Do you wanna hear what it should have sounded like?
- Yep.

(Soft high scream)

- You can't scream, that's right.

- Never been able to scream.
- Haven't you?

- Whistling and screaming, can't do it.

- You can't scream.

- (Soft sound) Ahhh.

- (Loud yell) Ehhh!

(Laughter)

Oh man, that's really hard,

I enjoyed them both for different reasons.

- It's best soundtrack.

- It's best soundtrack.

Alright, I'll give the young people three,
old people two, there.

(Applause)

You still keeping track of the scores?

- Ahhh.

- So, I'll do the series scores first of all.

David, you're very nearly on triple figures, on 96 points.

- Oh, that's exciting.

- And after that, it's pretty tight.

Rose is on 126,

Katy and Jo, both on 127.

Ed's got a slight lead now, 134.

(Applause)

- He's catchable though, right?

- He's catchable.
- He's catchable.

- Oh Ed Gamble's always catchable.
- He's catchable.

- And it's the same leader and loser in this episode.

We have David on seven points,
but the leader is Ed with 16 points.

(Applause)

- Up you get to the stage for the final task of the show.

(Applause)

Ah, five lovely guys,

with lovely helmets on.

You, who's gonna read the task out?

- Jo Brand's gonna read this one out, please.

- "Without adjusting your welders mask at any point,

"draw your own face

"on the front of your welders mask.

"Your face should be the same size

"as your face,

"and either very angry,

"or very happy.

"Most detailed and accurate face wins.

You have three minutes."

- Okay, so if you could pull your visors
over your actual faces, please.

- How do I look angry?

Is that angry?
- I don't know.

Good luck, your three minutes starts (blows whistle).

(Laughter)

- Oh, it doesn't rub out!

- Which bit of you doesn't rub out?

- My nose.

- Happy or angry, Katy?

- Happy, obviously.
- Happy.

Happy or angry?
- Happy.

- Think I've finished.

- You're finished, alright.

- Oh, this ear is too far off.

- You have 10 seconds left.

Nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

(Blows whistle) Pens down, please.

(Applause)

Which end do you want to start with, Greg?

- Oh, I think we'll start with Rose.
- Okay.

Hello, Rose.
- Hello.

- So you're gonna compare this face to her face.
- Yes.

She's happy, correct?

(Applause)

It's detailed.
- Okay.

- It's not that accurate.

Next helmet.
- Next helmet.

Hello, Katy.
- Hello.

Thank you.
- Pleasure.

- Wow!
- Pretty good.

Detailed, accurate.

- Next, Greg.
- Jo Brand. please.

I presume you're angry.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Yeah, you're grumpy alright.

- You're doing it yourself.

- Is that alright?
- No, it's fine, it is my job but...

- Yeah looks alright, yeah.

(Applause)

- Hello, David.

(Laughter)

I mean, it's up on the yellow bit.

Okay.

(Laughter and applause)

- I think it looks quite like him.
- Yeah.

- Waiting for your judgement, Greg.

- Alright, you ready?

I'm giving Jo and David three points each.

(Applause)

I'm giving Ed and Rose four points each.

(Applause)

But, there's a runaway winner here

and she's both happy and demure.

I will give five points to Katy Wix.

(Applause)

Come back down, we'll add that to the final scores.

(Applause)

Well, that will have affect things, won't it?

- It has affected the scores, Jo and Katy

come in joint third, Rose in second,

David last and Ed Gamble wins the show with 20 points.

(Applause)

- Ed Gamble is tonight's winner.

Please go and show off

your shed-load of prizes.

(Applause)

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that if David Baddiel's face

was made into a sculpture by Jo Brand's dad,

then it should be instantly locked into a 'shid',

and the key thrown away.

Let's all sod off and grab a nightcap

but not before saluting tonight's winner one more time,

Ed Gamble!

(Applause)