Original subtitles

DEMO GRACIA A SHOW BY MR. CAÑETE

Good evening. Sorry, there's a frog in my throat.

Although it is a royal frog.

The other day I was reading the newspaper

and I found out that I owe 55 million to the Tax Agency.

I liked it better when they sent the notice by mail.

I spent four hours looking for the box marked "King."

Spoiler. There is none.

I finally gave up and had to put down "self-employed."

I was told that we could build 200 public hospitals with that money.

Why do I want 200 hospitals?

And public ones, at that!

I don't go to hospitals very often, but my daughter does.

Especially rehab clinics.

Fuck! What happened? Was that crowd a busload of deaf retirees?

There was a section where no one laughed at all.

We have to control these things.

- Someone is waiting for you. - I don't feel like photos with fans.

- I'm going home. - She's not a fan.

Where is this sushi from?

Don't eat it. You'll get sick.

Not just because of the fish, which looks awful,

but because of the rice, which is a week old.

The show ends late, so I'm just happy to eat anything

You should try the sashimi I get at the palace.

Some of the pieces of maguro toro are a real spectacle.

Another spectacle like your show. Congratulations.

Really?

I mean, I liked some parts better than others.

If you'd warned me you were coming, I wouldn't have said some things.

That's why I didn't warn you.

But... I hope you weren't offended.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. No reason, really.

I have a great sense of humor.

It's so important to be able to laugh at yourself. Don't you think?

Yes, without a doubt.

I'm glad you think so, Your Majesty.

But laughing at the King is a different thing.

And don't call me "Your Majesty."

That's my father.

You call me "Your Royal Highness."

You could do a little more research before making jokes about us.

With all due respect, Your Royal Highness, I make jokes about the news.

And I don't choose what's in the newspapers.

My family chooses them, but this one slipped through.

We live in a country with freedom of expression.

And I love that you use your freedom.

You're within your rights.

Just like I could use my right and call the High Court

and ask them to shut the show down for slander against The Crown.

I don't think that's a right.

Can't you laugh at yourself? You don't like that joke?

It's not funny.

Just like you.

Maguro toro.

Really good.

HER MAJESTY

Good morning, Your Royal Highness.

Did you sleep well?

You went out for a bit last night, right?

I don't know.

What does CNI say I did?

No.

This is not going to work this way.

- I'm not going to ask the CNI about you. - Good.

It's necessary for us to trust each other. Don't you think?

We have an extremely important mission ahead of us.

If you want to do this right,

certain behavioral changes will be required on your part.

In terms of organization, order, punctuality...

In official matters just as much as personal matters.

Did they ever tell you about the three-minute rule?

Not really.

No, but I hope the explanation takes less than three minutes.

It's a rule anyone in my care has to comply with.

I'm not in your care.

It's a figure of speech.

- What was your name? - Guillermo.

- Guillermo Salvatierra Bohórquez. - All right.

Guillermo, I'm your boss.

Don't forget that. It's not just a figure of speech.

You shouldn't have contacts in your address book

that you can't erase in less than three minutes.

You're like a little robot.

It's about not having connections that could compromise you.

If you like this rule so much, apply it to yourself.

I've applied it to myself since 2001.

You mean you have no friends?

Camino González-Rubio.

CONFIDENTIAL

She's my friend. What's the problem?

Her being your friend is the problem.

She's going around saying she's your right hand.

She is. We've known each other since we were seven.

What Miss González-Rubio wants is to make important contacts.

She's just doing business.

No one says no to the future queen's close friend.

Are you telling me Camino isn't my friend?

No, I'm saying she's taking advantage of that friendship.

You won't last long here.

What is serious...

What is serious isn't that she's taking advantage of you.

We believe that Miss González-Rubio

is in possession of material that could compromise the Royal Household.

You're going to heap shit on Camino until I remove her contact.

You're out of line.

What's out of line is her possession of this material.

- Do you have proof of this? - Yes.

- So why do you say "we believe"? - I was trying to be tactful.

We don't believe it. We know it.

We also believe it was Miss González-Rubio

who leaked the video from Prince Ferdinand's wedding.

And yes, when I say "we believe," I mean we have proof.

- I thought the video was funny. - Of course.

You gave champagne to the horses pulling the wedding carriage.

You see?

I laugh when you say it.

We know that you've invited her to the medal ceremony today.

It would be best if she didn't come.

I know Camino. Do you know who I don't know?

- Me. - You.

Okay, well...

In 2009, I negotiated with Somali pirates for the release of a Spanish fishing boat.

I tried not to get anyone killed.

To be honest, I was satisfied

just to make sure they killed as few Spaniards as possible.

I got a guy who wasn't even 30 years old out of a Malaysian jail

because the authorities there accused him of being a spy.

He was a spy. They almost killed both of us.

Those are just two of the jobs I can tell you about,

so you can get to know me.

You need time to get to know someone.

If you want to spend time here,

don't mess with Camino.

Cami, I need you to come to the thing this evening.

Let me know that you're coming, okay? Please.

Don't worry, sweetie. I know it's important.

Well, important, it's a medal ceremony that I've never been to before in my life.

Sure, Pili, but Judge Moure will be there.

Who's that?

Girl, he's a Supreme Court judge. They want you to talk to him.

Cami, sweetie, how do you know that?

Word gets around Madrid, Pili.

So Judge Moure will be there.

That's right. I was going to tell you.

He's one of the leading judges from the conservative wing of the Court.

So when you found out he was getting a medal,

you called to say I would go.

No, I called to say that he should be given a medal.

Your Royal Highness, we have to keep the judges close, which isn't easy.

You can't show up at the Supreme Court because it would cause a scandal.

Nor can we ask them to come to the palace.

As you can imagine, that would be even worse.

This way we can also find out how your father's case is proceeding.

If you're doing all this, it must be going badly.

No.

How did you know about Moure?

Word gets around Madrid.

ENOUGH OF THE PARASITES

Get out!

Long live Pilar!

Long live the Princess!

Get out! Thieves!

Your Majesty.

You drunk!

Motherfuckers.

Your Royal Highness.

- What? - His wife is sick.

And?

Ask him how his wife is doing.

We're giving him a medal.

Do I have to give him my condolences as well?

She's sick, not dead.

Your Royal Highness, it's an honor that you've come to the ceremony this year.

Of course. How could I not?

It's a shame your wife can't be with us. How is she?

She's somewhat better. Still recuperating.

It will cheer her up greatly when I tell her you asked about her.

I'm sure.

One Christmas, I visited a hospital,

and it's true that I cheered the patients up a lot.

I don't want this to sound like false modesty,

but I must admit I was not expecting this medal.

More than the medal,

I'm glad that you've found time at such a delicate moment.

I wanted to ask about that. Is it so delicate?

Well, the trip that His Majesty, the King has taken is undoubtedly a wise decision.

When do you think he'll be able to return?

We're working on that.

And I'm optimistic.

Just optimistic?

It's good news that the judge is optimistic.

Good news would be a dismissed case.

Good new would be "innocent of all charges."

I'd be optimistic with "all the charges are past the statute of limitations."

Right, but they haven't expired, Your Royal Highness.

We could make it so. That's what judges are for.

Okay. Thank you very much, Judge.

- And congratulations on the medal. - Thank you.

Your Royal Highness.

You'll have to excuse me for a moment.

Just a second.

Talk to me.

What about Cañete?

I'm sorry?

Mr. Cañete. What are you doing with him?

Who's Cañete?

A comedian who imitates my father at a theater downtown.

What are we going to do about what?

He's not funny at all.

But you can't arrest someone for not being funny.

Not when you put it that way.

But maybe it's slander against The Crown. That sounds better.

If it's slander against The Crown, yes.

And he's slandering me too.

In that case, yes, we can do something.

We've done it before with other comedians and rappers.

My father will be very happy. If you do something, he'll be very happy.

He can make you a judge of the Superior Court.

- Supreme. - That's right, Supreme.

I already am a Supreme Court judge.

Well, a higher one then.

- There isn't one, is there? - No.

I appreciate you getting to the crux of the matter, Your Royal Highness.

Camino González-Rubio has just left.

Very good. Did she cause much trouble?

She wanted an explanation.

We told her that the Royal Household didn't owe her one.

Exactly, Maluenda.

Do you want a medal, too, for doing your job?

Your Royal Highness.

The other honorees.

Some of the most important actors, painters, and singers in the country.

Do I have to greet them all?

If you don't, they'll think you're only here for the judge.

I am only here for the judge.

But don't let them think that.

Well, then, give me a moment?

Where's she going?

Cami, honey, where are you?

You have to get here and lower the average age

because it's 174 right now.

Please don't be late. Kisses.

Your Royal Highness, they're waiting for you.

What's up?

They didn't let me into the event.

What?

They told me I wasn't invited at the door.

It was humiliating, girl. I was there because you asked me to be.

No.

I didn't tell them not to let you in.

Fatima's parents were there,

and they looked at me like I was a gate-crasher.

Come back, girl! I'll make sure you get in.

Never mind. Forget it. We'll talk later, okay?

What's wrong with you?

Was that Miss Camino?

Did they give you this job in order to fuck up my life?

I don't know her version, but listen to mine.

They didn't let her in the door.

- Same as my version. - Then that's it.

That's it. You're dismissed. That's it.

Your Royal Highness, we've spent all day arguing.

What if we stop, you give out the medals, and we resume later?

What happens if I don't go in?

People would start to think Your Royal Highness is irresponsible.

If they don't already think it.

A problem, Your Royal Highness?

Have you done anything about that comedian yet?

- What comedian? - We only spoke about it five minutes ago.

My father was thrown out in five minutes. There was time for that.

- Everything okay? - Yes.

It's the first public event since her father left.

- Nerves, right? - Yes, nerves.

It's the stage. It's intimidating.

I know it very well.

I've spend my whole life with that feeling in my stomach.

Don't worry. I'll handle it.

You don't get along with her, right?

Well, we're still getting to know each other.

It shows.

Well...

Hello.

It's normal to be scared.

I'm not scared.

It's also normal to deny it.

I still say I'm not scared before I go out on stage.

- Are you giving a speech? - It isn't going to work.

- What won't? - This.

This thing you're doing.

Coming here to tell me a bunch of nice things

to convince me to stay.

I appreciate it very much, truly, but...

It's just that I have more important business to take care of.

One time...

I had to go on stage

right after receiving a call from the hospital.

My mother.

A very serious condition.

I looked out at the seats.

What did I see?

People?

"People."

The audience!

My audience!

I went out there. I did the show.

I called the hospital.

They told me my mother had died.

We both know how hard that is.

The difference is that your audience is the entire country,

and your theater is all of Spain.

Whatever you have to do can wait.

And if it can't wait...

it will have to.

Okay.

Have you thought it over?

Yes. Thanks. Thank you.

I'm going to the bathroom. Do you want to come along?

Get out!

Long live the Princess!

Long live Spain! Hurrah!

- Drive. - No one told me to leave.

I'm telling you. Isn't that enough?

Why are you here?

Guillermo is an asshole.

- Who's Guillermo? - My new secretary. I told you about him.

- He's an asshole. - He kept you out.

- Why me? - I don't know.

- How can you not know? - He didn't tell me.

- He must've told you something. - Nothing specific, Camino.

So he did say something.

He says you're not my friend, and you're using me.

- But I am your friend. - I know that. He said it, not me.

So why are you here?

I came to warn you that you're being watched.

I know. The doorman.

What doorman?

He's CNI. He's been here a month, and he hasn't mopped the floor once.

I don't understand why you're watching me.

Guillermo thinks you might have compromising material.

- What material? - Or compromised.

That's the same thing, isn't it?

Whatever. You don't have anything, right?

It's not what you think.

- So you do have something? - I couldn't tell you.

Why not?

Sweetie, friends lie to each other.

They tell each other how pretty they are, how well-dressed...

And it's not lying, it's cheering your friend up.

I'm sure you've lied to me many times.

Sure, I tell you I like your hair when it looks like shit.

When have you lied to me?

If your best friend is heir to the throne, you do whatever you can to cheer her up

and to protect her.

Camino, why are you treating me like I'm dumb?

What is it?

A newspaper was going to publish it and I paid them not to.

- Guillermo was right. - No.

I don't have it to blackmail you. I have it because I'm your friend.

If you ask me for it, it's yours.

Again, I did it because I'm your friend, and I want to keep being your friend.

You giving me this doesn't mean we're still friends.

When you hear it, you'll understand why. Because I'm--

Camino!

Say you're my friend again, and I'll break a bottle over your head.

- Good afternoon. - I know what you're going to say.

I only said good afternoon.

And that I can't just leave places like that.

If it's to do what you did, then, yes, you can.

It pisses me off that you were right.

Being right is my job.

- Apology accepted. - No.

I didn't apologize.

- I'll take care of that. - You know what this is?

The CNI believes it's a recording

of you in a nightclub with a rep from a Qatari investment fund.

It's not too clear what you're discussing, but...

you can be heard...

Sneezing?

The opposite.

The opposite of sneezing?

The reverse... of expelling air.

Pilar.

- Pilar, where are you going? Pilar! - I want to hear it.

Pilar has suffered so much.

When your father is the King, it's hard enough,

- but also growing up without a mother... - Is that your father?

...in a palace.

She'll always be my little girl.

But that little girl isn't so little, even if she seems like she's six.

The moment is coming, and I hope many years from now,

she'll have to take over for me, and I don't think she'll be ready.

- You think so or you know so? - How many schools has she been to?

How many? How many has she been kicked out of?

And having to personally call universities so that they'll take her in.

Fuck, it's just...

And what does she do? Throw it all away. She can't even finish a degree.

How can she succeed me on the throne?

She's too capricious, too weak, too...

- She's not stupid. - Of course she's not stupid.

But she fakes it really well.

It saddens me to admit it, but she won't be good at it.

And as things stand, she'll be the last queen to rule Spain.

The people will say, "It ends now." She won't be good at it.

It's a shame.

I think that's enough.

Are you happy?

Qatari investment fund? Yeah? "You can be heard..."

An intelligence failure.

I'll talk to them. I want to know who's responsible.

And are you going to apologize to Camino?

Well... she did have something.

I lost my shit on the only friend I have, who was just supporting and protecting me.

Your Royal Highness, I know it's hard to hear--

See, I'm " Your Royal Highness" again.

I'm not Pilar anymore. Of course it's hard!

Really hard! But because I'm stupid and don't have a degree, I don't notice.

- He didn't say you're stupid. - No, just that I look stupid.

Can I tell you the difference between being stupid and looking stupid?

There is none! Instead you're just a moron who looks like a moron!

There's nothing to explain there.

DAD

Judge Maura.

Moure.

Call him. I want to talk to him.

That all. I'm off!

But I'll back right here tomorrow.

I'm not off to the Americas like some others.

It's the maguro toro I told you about.

Try it. It's tuna.

Yes, I know. I'm not hungry.

Don't be scared. I'm not angry anymore.

I just want to invite you to dinner.

Forget about all that slandering The Crown stuff.

I told them not to do anything to you.

Come on. Sit down.

How was your day?

Mine? My day?

Was it good?

Good, yes. Good.

And yours?

Not with that voice.

Then with which one?

And yours?

How... How are you, daughter?

Good.

I thought the medal ceremony could've gone better.

But I'm good.

How's Latin America?

It's all very beautiful.

Yes.

Anyway, you get there and...

you look at the horizon and say...

"This could be mine."

I think we should reconquer it.

"You're ready, and you'll do a good job."

What?

"You're ready, and you'll do a very good job."

You're ready, and you'll do a good job.

Again.

You're ready, and you'll do a good job.

"A very good job."

You're ready, and you'll do a very good job.

Again.

You're ready, and you'll do a very good job, daughter.

Try it. It's delicious.

Really good.