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("IF I HAD $1000000" PLAYING)

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ Well, I'd buy you a house ♪

TOM: You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression

"Everything happens for a reason"?

Well, I don't think that applies to me.

I mean, I spend every morning rushing to work,

trying to catch the same subway to the same lousy job.

What's the reason for that?

See, I'm a researcher for one of the biggest publishing house

in Chicago, but where I really belong is in Creative.

The problem is, is my boss doesn't know it yet,

so I'm totally frustrated. While my friend Paul keeps telling me,

"You gotta be optimistic. You gotta be positive."

Okay. Okay. You know what?

Today is gonna be my lucky day. Today is gonna be my--

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Wow! Hey, look at that. It's your lucky day.

Did you just see that?

I've seen it a million times. You want it?

Mm, no.

I don't want it. Go ahead, you got a new briefcase.

Yeah, maybe it's got a name on it or something.

Oh, come-- What are you, nuts? What?

You're gonna return it? Yeah.

PAUL: Did you not just say you needed a new one?

Yeah, when I get my raise.

Haven't you been working there for, like, a year?

I bet Taylor doesn't even know you work there. I'd be pissed.

Are you pissed? I'd be pissed.

Yeah, I'm... I'm a little pissed.

You know, come to think of it, I've never really seen you angry before.

Henderson, you ever seen Tom really angry? No.

All right, fine. So I don't get angry. What is that, a bad thing?

It's, you know, you keep it bottled up,

and then sooner or later you come into work,

and you mow everyone down with one of those, uh...

AK-47. PAUL: AK-47.

You know, just to impress, uh...

Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster.

(CHUCKLES) All right. I'll do it on your day off, all right?

(BRAKES SQUEALING) PAUL: Touché.

There she is. It's your Jodie Foster.

Paul, come on, man.

How you ever gonna get to know her if you just sit there?

TOM: It's Taylor's daughter, man. I can't just...

You can't just what? Huh? Are you gonna be a loser your whole life?

Hmm? Just go over there and talk to her. Go.

TOM: Okay, fine. I'm going.

I'm going. You're going.

MAN: (OVER PA) Lake Street. Lake Street is next.

You're Tom Stansfield, right? From Research?

Yeah. Yeah. Tom, Tom Stansfield.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Stansfield from Research.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

It's a growing sport, you know?

Paul, there is no way that she thought that it was a wrestling magazine.

Oh, come on. Get over it, okay?

You... you're a little embarrassed. It happens, okay?

Let me tell you something. If I had a dime for every time

a gay naked magazine fell out of my-- I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What? Paul.

No. But seriously, so you're a little humiliated.

At least now we've established that she knows who you are, right?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I'm gonna have to leave the company. No, you're not.

Oh, God. There she is.

Oh, and I need to see the proofs on Thailand immediately.

Mm-hmm. What else have we got?

(TELEPHONE RINGING) (PRINTER BEEPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Are you Tom? Yes.

Mr. Taylor wants to see you.

Oh, what... Okay.

Okay.

PAUL: Okay, you see? This is your chance.

This is fate. This is what I'm talking about.

It's about that new opening in Creative, and you're the man for the job.

You're gonna go in there and you're gonna pitch him those book ideas.

No, I just-- I'm really not ready.

Let's get to business. Now we're stepping up. Okay.

Come on. You're gonna go in there, you're gonna pitch him an inside curve--

Wait. Wait. Where is my blue folder? You don't need it.

Enough with the excuses already. Come here.

You look good. You feel good? Okay. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Well, that's good. I want you to use that, okay?

What is this? Is this Dad's? It's nice. Now get in there, okay?

Don't... don't touch my ass. What? It was a light spank. It was light.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey. Hey.

Uh. Do I just go in there?

Uh, no, he's not finished yet, but you can have a seat over there.

Oh, okay. JACK: Let me explain something to you, Henderson.

I did not dislike your ideas.

I found them loathsome.

I hated them.

You're dismissed.

From your office?

Nice try.

HENDERSON: Good luck. You're gonna need it

with that sadistic... He's ready to see you.

...British freak! You can come in.

HENDERSON: You know what?

We should have never let up after the Revolution!

Sit down. Sit down. Coffee?

We shouldn't have left you a toehold! We should have driven you into the sea!

Now, what's this I hear about you making threats

to spray this place with an AK-47?

What?

Oh, oh, oh.

No. That-- I was just making a joke.

Oh, that's funny to you? Killing everyone in this office?

No, no. No, no, no.

The-- Paul said how I never get angry.

And what about you making fun of midgets?

I never made fun of midgets.

You said "It'd be fun to date one

because then you could rest your beer on her head."

No. No. I... I never said anything like that.

Apparently, Henderson thinks you did.

Now, I've got a good sense of humor, but that's just plain sick.

But, sir, I didn't say-- JACK: Audrey?

Which file did I ask you for?

Uh, the Platt file? JACK: John Platt. Not Sam Platt.

AUDREY: I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think--

JACK: That's right. You didn't think. Now, if it's not too much trouble,

if you could fetch me the right file... Okay.

...and, uh, get Tom and me some doughnuts. Okay.

JACK: Now...

I'm told you've been trying to schedule a meeting with me

about some ideas. What are they?

Oh, uh, yeah. I... I had some ideas.

(SLURPS)

Something wrong with the coffee?

Uh, no. It's fine.

Why'd you make a face? What?

Um, well, it's... it's a little bitter, but...

Jesus. Audrey, get in here! Sir, really, it's not a problem.

I've burped up stuff better than this.

Sir, it's fine. Is something wrong?

Taste Tom's coffee.

No, really. It's okay.

How would you rate that?

Well, it's not that great.

Not that great. I guess so. Tom thinks it's shit.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Audrey, are you retarded?

It's not a rhetorical question. Are you retarded?

No, I'm not retarded.

Because a retarded person can make a cup of coffee. Am I right, Tom?

Oh, I... I don't... I don't really

know much about the limitations of the handicapped.

I know of an employment agency that hires out retarded people

for four dollars an hour.

So, if making a cup of coffee is too difficult a task for you,

Miss Bennett, perhaps you'd be good enough to let me know,

and I'll contact this agency and give a retarded person a job.

(MOUTHING) Wow.

I wasn't too rough on her, was I?

Well, she is new and all. Maybe I was out of line.

But do you understand what I'm dealing with?

I mean, here I am trying to fill a position in Creative,

and I can't seem to find one person responsible enough to earn my trust.

I sometimes wonder if anyone here even knows what they're doing.

I can understand how you could see it that way, sir, but--

So you don't think I was out of line?

Well, if what you're saying is

that a company is only as strong as its weakest link,

that makes sense, but-- Exactly. That's exactly right.

A company is only as strong as its weakest link.

TOM: Yeah-- Audrey, get in here!

You were right, Tom. I was too soft on her.

What? No-- Yeah?

JACK: Audrey, after talking it over with Tom here... AUDREY: Mm-hmm. ...I've come to realize

that I'm gonna have to let you go.

You're firing me? JACK: I'm sorry.

It's just not working out. But that--

No, no, no. You were right. But, sir, I wasn't suggesting--

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Right, but there's a whole other-- JACK: I need employees

who can take responsibility. Thanks for the support.

Audrey, empty out your desk by the end of the day.

Fine. JACK: That's been very helpful.

Sir, this... JACK: Thanks for straightening

me out there, Tom. Right, right.

But I... I didn't get to say what I wanted to say.

Oh, your ideas, of course.

Schedule an appointment with my new secretary.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Tom.

Are you okay? Uh... yeah, sure.

I'm guessing by the way you look he's on another one of his rampages

this morning. (CHUCKLES HESITANTLY) Definitely.

Damn.

I was hoping to catch him in a good mood.

Yeah, that's, um, that's probably not gonna happen.

I'm supposed to go to this party tonight, but my dad's making me housesit

for his stupid bird while he's away this weekend.

Well, why don't you just go in there and tell him you're not gonna do it?

(CHUCKLES HESITANTLY) I can't just...

You can't just what?

I mean, live your own life and have a free weekend?

No, it's not that.

Well...

Wait, it... it is that. Yeah.

I should just go to that party. Yeah. Of course.

Well, um...

Okay, I'm gonna go back to, um, work.

Okay, sure.

Tom?

I know this might seem a little out of place

because we barely even know each other,

but do you have any plans tonight?

(MOUTHING) No, no! Uh, no. I'm wide open.

We won't be home too late. (CHUCKLES) Hey, it's no problem.

So the party starts at seven. You could be at my dad's house by six?

Sure. LISA: You sure you're cool with this?

TOM: Are you kidding me? (SIGHS) Tom, you're such a sweetheart.

Thank you so much. I'm gonna love you forever for this.

All right. Yeah, who's the man now? PAUL: See? What'd I tell you?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm a lady killer. (OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BIRDS SHRIEKING)

How the hell could he be so excited about house sitting?

He's nice, Daddy, that's how. Most guys wouldn't even offer to do that.

I don't know if I want him around my bird.

Oh, Dad, will you just relax? It's gonna be fine. I promise, okay?

I'll check in as soon as I get there. Eight o'clock.

If I sense anything's wrong, you're coming back here.

Okay. (CHUCKLES) Okay.

("HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN" PLAYS OVER CAR STEREO)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Very good. Right on time.

Oh, sir. Um--

Hey, is that a bear trap?

Yes. It's to keep the neighbor's kids out of my yard.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Sir, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you,

well, letting tonight happen.

I mean, I know it means a lot to Lisa,

and I think you're doing the right thing.

I don't know what you're planning, Stansfield,

but your attitude is making me very nervous.

Those socks are clean, right? Um...

Wha... You hesitated. Put those on.

Are you serious? (FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

If you want to watch TV, the remote's there.

That panel controls the lights, alarm, skylight, etc.

Yeah, I probably won't use any of that stuff.

You know since the party starts at seven.

Party?

I made it clear to Lisa you're not to have any guests in here.

You're the only one allowed in the house.

What? Lisa's not here?

No. Of course not.

Lisa's at the party...

and I'm staying here.

Is this concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?

(GASPS)

Don't touch the furniture.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES)

And this is my bird's room.

(CHUCKLES) He's got his own room?

That's cool.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(GASPS) How's my little boy?

This is O.J.

O.J.? Like the murderer?

No.

Like the football player. O.J. Simpson.

I've set the alarm.

When you hear it go off, feed him. (MOUSE SQUEAKING)

Aw. What do I feed these little guys?

They don't get fed. They are the food.

His diet varies, but they're his favorites.

Hey, don't you have to shut these doors? Not anymore.

He's been depressed since his mate died. He won't fly.

Just sits in his cage.

Medication.

Give him two of these at ten o'clock.

I have to shove these down his throat? Just one.

The other is inserted into his rectum.

Don't worry. It's not too unpleasant for him.

He doesn't bite, does he? No.

Not unless you taunt him.

Not planning on taunting him, are you, Tom?

No. I mean, that'd be really sick.

No, of course not.

And the most important thing, make sure he gets a pint of water.

The medication tends to dry him out and then he can't breathe.

Okay. Well, I must be off.

Henderson should be waiting outside.

Henderson? I thought you fired him.

Because his ideas were stupid? Of course not.

He's gonna drive me to the train station.

So, you can leave as soon as Lisa and Hans get back.

Hans?

Lisa's boyfriend.

So remember, uh, water in the bowl, medication,

and anything happens to this house while I'm gone,

I'll kill you.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

PAUL: (OVER PHONE) You're house-sitting? You gotta be kidding me.

TOM: I know, it sucks.

PAUL: What are you talking about? Don't you see? This is a test.

You watch Taylor's house, come up with a couple of great ideas

and if everything goes smooth, you get the promotion.

TOM: Uh, you think so? PAUL: Of course I do.

What could be easier?

(CRACKLES)

("NOT WHAT I WANTED" PLAYING)

♪ Whoo ♪ ♪ Lately there's been A change in me ♪

♪ And I'm not sure If I can handle it ♪

♪ I can't explain... ♪

LISA: (LAUGHING OVER TV) Ah! What are you doing, Hans? Come here.

Baby, you're gonna burn so bad

if you don't let me put this on you right now.

♪ It was a lonely Mixed-up tragedy ♪

♪ But it's something... ♪

Oh, my God. You scared me, Hans You're insane.

Put that down. Oh, I love it. Do it.

Want to put some on me? Put some lotion on me.

♪ Not what I wanted ♪

♪ Not what I need ♪

MAN: Is Jack around? (GASPS) Hey-- What? Who are you?

It's okay. I'm Red Taylor. I'm Jack's son. I let myself in the back.

Oh, hey. Tom Stansfield. Hey.

Tom, nice to meet you. Am I interrupting something here?

Oh, no. Uh-- I was-- Uh-- Oh, your shoes.

Nike. Listen, Tom, can you do me a favor? I lost my TV Guide.

I came over here to see if maybe my dad's got a copy of one.

You haven't seen a copy of the guide laying around, have you?

My sister in? No, actually she's out for the evening.

Bingo. (CHUCKLES)

So, uh, you're here to...

Housesit. Oh.

You know, it's probably for the best if you don't tell Lisa that I stopped by.

Why? Is there a problem?

Well, you know how uptight she is.

Really? I'm more the free spirit of the family.

Oh. Oh, boy.

See that right there?

So, Kirstie Alley? RED: Yeah.

I dated her maid.

Really?

Wow, that's really something.

RED: Hey, listen. Could you do me a favor? It's no big deal.

TOM: Uh, sure.

A business associate of my dad's is gonna come by to pick this up.

Uh, it's frozen steaks, it's a gift.

It's not cold.

Dad says that's the way the guy likes them. What are you gonna do?

Will you give it to him?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Just one second.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(CAR ENGINE REVVING) Audrey.

Tom. Ugh! MAN: Let's go! Come on!

I guess this makes sense. He's got you living with him now?

Uh, no. I'm just... I'm just watching his place.

(CAR HORN HONKING) He's-- Jack's out of town.

He is? Ah, shoot! Yeah.

(CAR RADIO PLAYING)

I came by because I was hoping to get my job back.

Yeah. AUDREY: You know, the one

that you got me canned from because I made a bad cup of coffee?

Remember that? Listen, I'm really sorry about that.

How can you fire someone for making a bad cup of coffee? Huh?

I know. That's what I tried tM say to him.

I might have had a future at that place if you'd just give me half a chance.

MAN: Come on! Let's get a move on, saddlebag!

(SIGHS) Oh, my God. That's my idiot boyfriend.

(CAR HORN HONKING) Hold your pants, you freaking psycho!

God. He drives me crazy.

Oh, hey, you know, since you're on the rug,

would you mind putting these on?

They're medical-- I got them on too. Oh, licorice.

(METAL CLANKS) (CAR ENGINE REVVING)

I hate licorice.

I need water or I'm gonna throw up. (CAR HORN HONKING)

Ugh! Thanks to you, I lost my second job inside a month

and now I'm flat broke. You lost another job?

Yeah, I got fired from my waitress job just last Friday.

Well, why did they fire you? AUDREY: Oh, I don't know.

One of the assistant managers caught me making out with a customer.

Excuse me?

Oh, I mean, actually the customer was my boyfriend.

MAN: Let's go! Oh.

I mean, he became my boyfriend after the incident anyway.

You got any beer in here? Oh-- Hey!

Ah! Here we go. Um, would you mind putting these on?

It's a house rule. Oh, actually, that's a twist...

(TOM GRUNTS) That's the counter. (BOTTLE TOP CLATTERING)

(CLEARS THROAT) Listen. Jack is just a real stickler.

That'd be great.

AUDREY: No kidding. I found that out this morning.

MAN: I swear I am gonna freak out...

Oh, man. Spike's in a real mood. Uh--

AUDREY: Don't even-- Hey. (DOORBELL RINGING)

RED: Come on. Come on...

SPIKE: l swear to God, Audrey... RED: Oh, shit! ...I'll piss on this guy's front steps!

Let's go! (DOORBELL RINGING)

(BANGING ON DOOR) SPIKE: If you don't open the door,

this second, I'm gonna come in there and--

Hi. (SPIKE BELCHES)

(OBJECT CLATTERING) AUDREY: Don't worry,

nothing broke. Hey. Baby, come on.

What are you doing leaving me in the goddamn car?

Shake that tail, baby. Come on. Let's get a move on.

Oh, hold your horses and try acting civilized.

Audrey! This is Tom,

the guy I was telling you about. Oh, the coffee dude.

You got some black-ass karma headed your way, superfreak.

Oh, we don't need no lecture from you, Mr. High and Mighty.

Hey, shut that sass-trap of yours,

little lady, before I bounce you off the wall.

Look, I would appreciate it if you would take this outside, please.

Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd go and buy yourself a bagel, Jewy.

Jewy? I'm not Jewish. And I don't think

that making fun of-- Oh, don't pay attention to him he's nuts.

I'm nuts? AUDREY: Who do you think you are?

Look, can we please take this outside?

No, you know what you are? You're a filthy, little tramp.

Me? What about you and that waitress? Keep going.

I never touched her, ever. Swear?

So help me God. You swear on your mama's life?

Hell, woman, I ain't gonna swear on my mama's life.

Why not, if you're telling the truth?

I think he's telling the truth, Audrey.

Then why won't you swear on your mama's life?

Well, because I don't feel like I have the right

to gamble with my mama's life, that's why.

Gamble? But apparently you got nothing to worry about unless you're lying

like a hunk of morgue meat.

Okay. SPIKE: Hey, I ain't gonna sit here

and get called a liar by no skanking whore.

Oh! Who you calling a whore, you shrimpy-dimpy bastard?

Audrey, see, now you're just provoking him.

...Flat-out, bold-faced lie... Is it? Is it? I don't think so!

...and you know it. I'll whip it out right now!

Whoa, no! No, no! I'm gonna whip it out right now

and prove to you that she's a lying slut!

Keep your meat in the fridge! You wanna see my piece?

All right. All right. All right! That is enough!

You go get me a ruler, Tom! That is it.

I don't care if you have a tiny shrimp!

Or a giant whale, which that's-- (SHRIEKS)

Goddamn it, Audrey! You tell him you're a liar

or I'm gonna smash your face in, I swear!

Hey! Wait a minute! No. All right.

Can we please just use fists? You put that down.

SPIKE: Come here, you little... AUDREY: You hit me, you bastard!

SPIKE: I did not, and you know it! He hit me!

He hit me as sure as I'm standing right here.

Did you hit her, Spike? Yes.

With an open hand. It was with an open hand.

So what if it's open? You can't.

Then it don't count. Says who?

Says anyone. Ask the Jew.

All right, that's it. You two have got to leave.

All right, that's fine. But she is not coming with me.

You are not welcome in the double ride.

Fine, I don't care. I don't need your lousy trailer.

I'll stay right here with Tom. SPIKE: Fine. Stay with Tom.

Wait a minute. Whoa!

Guys, you need to try to work this thing out.

He hit me! He knocked me on my can! I... I know, Audrey, I know.

Well, but it was with an open hand after all, and...

Well, relationships have their ups and downs, you guys,

and you don't want to ruin this great-- (O.J. SHRIEKING)

(SHRIEKING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, God. The bird. O.J.!

(O.J. CONTINUE SHRIEKING)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(SHRIEKING CONTINUES)

(O.J. SQUAWKS) Oh!

AUDREY: You come back here and Tom's gonna kick your butt!

So take that! (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(ENGINE REVVING) SPIKE: I'm shaking in my boots, baby!

Look at those two, O.J. (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(AUDREY SCREAMING) (PHONE RINGING)

(O.J. SQUAWKS) (CAR ENGINE REVVING)

SPIKE: Whoa! I ain't running away, dummy...

Hello? LISA: (OVER PHONE) Hi, Tom. How are ya?

Hey. Lisa. I'm... I'm great. I'm great. (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING) Is that O.J.?

Yeah. You know, we just had a little drink of water.

I haven't heard him squawk in years.

Oh, yeah. He's... he's quite the crazy bird, you know. (CHUCKLES HESITANTLY)

LISA: Yeah. Anyway, Tom, I just wanted you

to know how much I appreciate you helping me out tonight.

But I'd like to crash at a friend's place tonight

after the party.

Would you think it was horrible

if I asked you to stay the whole night tonight?

Oh, well, I... I don't think your dad would want me staying here.

Please? (O.J. SQUAWKS)

Yeah, I suppose I could stay.

LISA: Oh, thanks, Tom. I really appreciate it. See you tomorrow.

AUDREY: I ain't afraid of you and Tom sure as hell ain't scared neither!

Butthead! Loser! (ENGINE REVVING)

(HORN HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God. Thank God he's gone. Hey, so is it okay if I stay here tonight?

Oh, man, it's... it's not even my house. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Well, I sure as hell don't want any charity.

I mean, it's not like you owe me anything, so...

And I'm sorry about that whole office thing.

I know that you didn't mean to get me fired.

Yeah. You didn't deserve to get fired. Thanks.

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll just go try to find a homeless shelter then.

(LOCK CLICKS) So...

Wait a second. Yeah?

God. (STAMMERS)

I suppose you can stay. Really? Thanks, Tom.

You're the best. Oh, and I'll clean up the kitchen, okay?

Okay. Okay. Okay.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

TOM: Yeah. One second.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) RED: There's somebody at the door.

TOM: Hi. Uh, can I help you?

Vasquez sent me here to pick up a package.

Oh, you're the... Yeah, yeah. Red told me you might be stopping by.

Uh, oh. Hi, I'm Tom.

What is this, Oprah? Just give me the goddamn package.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

I think this is it.

If this ain't kosher, I'm gonna break his thumbs.

Well, by law, it should be stamped right on the package there.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)

What--

(SQUAWKS)

Oh! Dinnertime, buddy.

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

(O.J. SQUAWKS) TOM: O.J....

today's specials include a scrumptious buffet of mice kebabs.

(SQUAWKS) Oh, shit! Oh, crap.

(O.J. SQUAWKS) (MICE SQUEAKING)

TOM: Damn.

You son of a bitch.

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

(GRUNTS)

I got you now, buddy. (MOUSE SQUEAKING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS) (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(GROANING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

Dude, that was cool. Oh, my God.

Tommy, easy on the antiques.

(O.J. SQUAWKS)

Was that an owl? Yes. O.J. got out. How is he flying?

Well, he is a bird. He-- No, Jack said that he...

Oh, shit! I gotta find him.

Don't worry. He'll probably come back when he's hungry.

No, I have to find him or I'm gonna lose my job! What-- You know what?

This isn't gonna help your chances of getting your job back either.

Okay.

TOM: Where the hell is he?

Tom, relax. TOM: Relax?

O.J.'s loose!

This is no time to relax! (GIRLS GASP, SCREAM)

AUDREY: Tom! He's right over here!

Right there. Right there. Right there.

TOM: O.J.! (O.J. SQUAWKS)

AUDREY: Right there! TOM: O.J.!

Stop! No, no. Stop. Stop.

O.J. O.J. (GUN COCKS)

MAN: Get up.

What the hell you doing on my property? Planning to rob me?

No. I... I was just looking for--

Yeah, yeah. I see what you're looking for.

You got a thing for young girls, huh? No.

Then why do you keep eyeing my wife, you perv?

Your-- No, I wasn't looking. I--

WOMAN: Arthur, are you gonna be back soon? I need you to spot me.

Just give me a minute, honey. (GRUNTS)

Please don't kill me. I'm not gonna kill you, okay.

If you let me live, I'll give you my most valued possession.

Here, take it. You know what that is, don't you?

Evander Holyfield's ear. What? (CHUCKLES)

The part of the ear that Mike Tyson bit off and spit out.

But it's white. So?

So, shouldn't it be black?

Well, if it's still on his head, sure.

But anybody knows that a severed ear loses its color.

No.

Sheryl? SHERYL: Yeah?

What happens to an ear if it's severed from your head?

It changes color, duh!

(LOUD THUD) SHERYL: Ow! Damn!

AUDREY: Tina, give me a beer. (MAN LAUGHING)

AUDREY: Oops! MAN: You have got to be kidding me.

AUDREY: Try another one. TINA: Come on, you guys!

(GLASS SHATTERING) TINA: Party!

Come on, let's go!

Audrey.

What the hell is going on in here? Who are these people?

I invited some friends over to help us look for the owl.

And Darryl even fixed the table in the hall.

Thank you. AUDREY: You wouldn't even know

it was broken. (GLASS SHATTERS)

(TOM GRUNTS) MAN: Air ball.

AUDREY: We'll get that later. Everyone, this is Tom.

Yo, Tom. Hi, guys.

You guys, Tom's a real good guy and his nuts--

Audrey, could you-- One second. Mm-hmm.

What? Mm-hmm. Listen, I appreciate all your help.

But could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?

All of them or just the colored guy? (BOTTLES CLATTERING)

No, all of them. Oh! That's smart.

That way the colored guy won't take it personal.

I have nothing against... Look. What?

I am responsible for this house

and I can't have all of these people hanging around.

Okay, all right. I got it. You guys, let's move it out.

Aw! I was just getting started. Good idea.

Thanks, guys.

That's great. TINA: What about the cake?

Don't worry, they're all good people. They're not gonna steal nothing

or drink too much like the Indians. Look...

just make sure they stay outside. Okay? Okay.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Lisa? LISA: Hi, Tom.

TOM: Uh, you're home?

Why are you home? It's not worth going into.

I got in a huge fight with Hans. Oh.

So... it's over?

It's my own fault for dating a guy my dad likes.

Really?

Yeah, he's one of his top marketing execs.

You know, Harvard Law, comes from a good family,

top of the tennis ladder at the country club.

Tom, can I talk to you for a second?

Audrey?

Yeah. She came to, uh, talk to your dad.

Okay. I'm gonna go in my room.

You could stay if you want. Okay.

AUDREY: Tom? Audrey, I'll be right there, okay?

Okay.

Or you could go.

You know, maybe we could talk...

later.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

TINA: Here. How about this one?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

TOM: What's going on? We found the owl!

Where is he? Uh, well, he got away.

Where'd he go? AUDREY: He hopped somewhere into the bushes.

That's right.

What are you doing? Getting hamburger meat.

It's a good way to lure birds.

They like hamburger meat?

I don't know. I've never had a bird.

But most animals respond to meat.

It's a fact. SPEED: Wanna help me separate the meat?

Speed, tell Tom about the Kennedy assassination.

This is so cool, Tom, because Speed knows who killed JFK.

No, ask him! Tom, ask him.

Ask him who killed him. Okay. All right. All right.

Who killed JFK?

Desi Arnaz.

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

Oh.

(DARRYL CHUCKLING)

His life just changed.

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUSE SQUEALING)

TOM: Oh.

(GROANS) Oh, God.

(GRUNTS)

Tom! Shit! Lisa.

Uh, what are you doing in here? This is my closet.

Oh, oh.

This-- Uh, I had something in my pants.

Um, I was feeding the mouse

to the bird and he, uh, ran down my pants.

(LAUGHS) (MOUSE SQUEALING)

TOM: I'm sorry that... Oh, look! There it is!

That way! The bedroom.

Ooh! Watch out! (TOM GRUNTS)

LISA: Oh, my gosh. Are you okay? Yep. Yep. I'm good.

Don't worry, we'll get it later.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, here. Let me help you.

You know, I'm really glad you stayed.

I needed a good laugh tonight. Thanks.

Wow. Yeah, could I make a bigger ass out of myself?

(CHUCKLES)

Do you want some wine? Uh, no, thanks.

Yeah, sure. Cheers.

TOM: Cheers.

Oh, my God. Is that signed by Walter Payton?

Yeah. "Sweetness," '85 Bears. Only the greatest team ever

to play the game. Shut up.

Walter Payton, Jim McMahon,

Mike Singletary... You know what?

You may be the coolest girl ever.

You like football? Yeah, I love it.

I didn't know you guys liked football.

Yeah. No, me and Paul watch the game every Sunday.

Paul, too? TOM: Yeah.

Oh. (TOM CHUCKLING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh. What's that?

Oh, it's nothing. It's just something I used to do.

That is really good. I didn't know you were an artist.

I used to be, but I couldn't get any more

of my friends to pose nude for me.

You wouldn't be interested, would you?

Uh...

You're blushing. I was just joking.

I'm not blushing. I just get red from time to time.

You are so funny.

No, but seriously, you should really pursue this.

I mean, you're good.

I would, but it doesn't really fit in with my father's plan for me.

Future of Midnight Owl Publishing.

(MOUSE SQUEALING) LISA: Oh, look! There it is.

He's right there. Through the door.

TOM: We'll get him. We'll get him.

LISA: Whoa! Watch out! (GROANS)

LISA: Are you okay? Your dad's gonna kill me.

No, don't worry about it. It's my brother's.

My dad won't care. Oh, Red.

Oh, so Dad told you? About what?

The restraining order.

How's that?

Yeah, Red's not allowed within 100 yards of me,

my dad, or this house.

(STAMMERS) He didn't mention that.

Red's a freak. You don't want to be around my dad

if he finds out anyone was in this house, especially Red.

It's like wherever he is, there's trouble.

I mean, one time, he had this big party

because Dad was out of town and my dad came home early--

Hey, uh, you know, since the mouse is gone, what... what say we go back inside?

LISA: Okay.

(GRUNTS) (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(AUDREY SCREAMING) (METAL CLANGS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

TOM: It was up for an Oscar? I hated it! LISA: I know! (LAUGHING)

(GROANS) I hated that movie!

Man, I can't believe you. You're like...

You're so different from how you are at work.

What am I gonna do?

Like, walk around with my Walter Payton jersey?

No. No. I get it. It's, like at work you have to be Lisa Taylor,

the, you know, loyal employee to the family firm.

And I have to be Tom-- Tom Stansfield,

the guy who will do anything for anybody. (CHUCKLES)

Yup. That's me. (CHUCKLES)

I swear, it's like I can just talk to you about anything.

I know, exactly. It's--

Yeah, this is crazy. Yeah, it is.

I guess it's because there's no attraction between us, you know?

Yeah.

You know, there's none of that sexual tension.

Yeah. It's like I'm with a girlfriend.

It's great, isn't it? Yeah.

I mean, maybe we could go to the mall sometime and go shopping.

That would be fun. Wouldn't it be fun? Yeah.

LISA: Wait, you have to listen to this song.

Come on, I need someone to dance with! (MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO)

Uh, you don't want to see me dance.

("YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING" PLAYING)

Come on, dance with me. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Come on. Put your hands together. I'm--

Yeah! Now go underneath. Yeah--

What-- Like this? Like this. Yeah!

Like that? Yeah! (LAUGHS)

TOM: Hold on. Watch. Watch. Watch.

Ta-da!

(BONES CRACK) Oh.

Yeah! Oh.

I'm like, I'm trying to do too much.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Whoo! Yeah!

I'm a dancer.

Catch me. TOM: What?

(LAUGHS)

(SQUEALS) I got you!

Whoo! Whoa!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Okay. I am done.

("YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING" CONCLUDES)

Here. (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS)

("BETTER MAN" PLAYING)

Oh, I love this song.

My friend Jenny does this really wild strip routine for her boyfriend

to this song. It's super sexy.

Even you'd appreciate it.

I wish I could be like her, you know? She's so free and everything.

♪ He said Take off your clothes for me ♪

♪ I've got a dirty fantasy ♪

♪ Your body's generosity ♪

♪ Could really be of use to me

♪ Naturally, I said certainly ♪

♪ He said I've got the time If you don't mind ♪

♪ To close your eyes And be robbed blind ♪

♪ I'm in a blind You'd be so kind ♪

♪ His words were so sweet And silver-lined ♪ (BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ I said fine How could I be fine... ♪

So, what do you think?

Uh, It's... it's, uh, very nice.

So if you weren't gay, this would turn you on, right?

Gay? Who said I was gay? My father. You mean it's not true?

No! No!

God, I'm so embarrassed. I can't believe you'd let me do this!

TOM: I didn't mean to--

(BUTTON CLICKS)

Why would your father say that I'm gay?

I don't know. Well, you can't blame him entirely.

I mean, you are a little effeminate.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Don't be hurt. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) LISA: It's okay.

Hans is a bit effeminate, too.

What exactly did Hans do anyway?

Well, it's not like he did just one thing.

It's more about trust.

Yeah. Trust is...

It's important.

Trust is everything.

I don't know. Maybe it's me.

It's like I'm just sending out some kind of vibe.

I can't attract a decent guy. No.

What's wrong with me?

Don't even worry about it. You're gonna find another guy so fast.

I mean, look at you.

You're amazing.

You really think so?

Why do you think I'm here tonight?

Oh, God, Tom.

You didn't know. You thought that--

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Uh, I'm--

I'm gonna-- I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna go and check and see if Audrey needs towels.

Tom, you don't have to lie to me.

If you have to go to the bathroom, go take a crap and come back.

(CHUCKLES HESITANTLY)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(OBJECTS RATTLING)

What the-- Hey! What the hell are you doing here, man?

(GRUNTS)

You try to bone Vasquez out of 20 grand and you ask me what I'm doing?

You think I work for Mrs. Fields?

You think my boss likes to bake cookies?

TOM: Whoa!

What are you doing? Come on. T.J.: You tried to sell me flour.

TOM: Flour? I... I don't even know what you're talk-- What are you-- Come on!

Look, I'm just house-sitting for my boss.

Who's your boss?

Jack Taylor.

Jack Taylor, huh? I did time in Joliet with a Jack Taylor.

Average height, medium hair, horrible case of folliculitis on his ass?

I wouldn't know about the folliculitis.

I thought you said he was your boss.

He is.

And you never saw his ass?

Why would I see my boss's ass?

It stands to reason. You work for a guy long enough,

sooner or later, you're gonna get a glimpse of his ass.

Listen, I... I don't know what line of work you're in,

but I've never seen my boss' ass.

Hey, man. Look. (GLASS SHATTERING)

Hey! Hey! Stop it or I'm gonna call the cops!

And tell them what? Your drug deal went bad?

You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you up like a turkey

and beat your kids with what's left of you.

I don't have any kids.

I can wait.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) (T.J. CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Excuse me.

Hello? Right. Okay.

Tommy, let's get clear on something.

In the next 60 minutes,

I'm gonna bring Vasquez what he paid for or your gift-wrapped nuts.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hi, Tom. What's going on? Yeah, that's what I wanna know.

What's going on with your dad's gift? See--

Do you see that guy? He was gonna kill me!

Don't you think you're overreacting a little, Tom?

Overreacting?

The guy had a knife! I don't think that I am overreacting!

He probably just had the wrong address.

I mean, there's gotta be over a dozen Jack Taylors

in Chicago alone.

I'm gonna go to my dad's bedroom.

You tell me if the guy shows up again.

All right. You listen to me.

You're not even supposed to be in this house.

Says who? I know about the restraining order, Red.

Restraining-schmaining. I mean, that's just a big misunderstanding.

AUDREY: Tom! It's O.J.!

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

(O.J. SQUAWKING)

SPEED: Oh, man! (ALL GROAN)

Oh. Hey. Who are you?

I'm here to see Lisa. My name's Hans.

You--

Is that so shocking? No.

What, you surprised she'd go out with someone like me?

No. No. It's not I--

Give me a break, man. You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Let me tell you something.

There are a lot of girls out there who can see past the fact

that I just happen to be a few pounds overweight.

(SOBS) You know, inside I'm just like everyone else.

(STAMMERS) Let me get you a tissue.

Yeah. Thank you.

I'm on the second day of a new diet. Hey, Hans...

HANS: I gave up chocolate. ...I'm really sorry.

I think that, uh, we just got off on the wrong foot.

Oh!

Uh, it's good to meet you, Hans. I'm... I'm Tom.

I, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) ...I'm just a friend of Lisa's.

Oh, great. Well, maybe you can help me. Is she here? Lisa! Lisa!

Whoa! Hans, uh, you know what?

Maybe right now isn't a great time for you to see Lisa.

What say we get you a drink?

Oh, okay. Yeah, she's probably really upset.

You see, we got in a misunderstanding tonight and, well, she left me.

Wow, that's unfortunate. HANS: Yeah.

Uh, what happened?

HANS: Well, I think seeing me naked

from behind like that kind of shocked her.

(GROANS) (GAS HISSES)

So, tonight was the first time...

Yeah. Tonight was the first time. It was awesome.

I mean, I was lying up on the bed like this

with one leg straight up in the air. Oh, hey, Hans, I don't...

And I had a handful of ass right here...

Whoa! Hans-- ...and I had a handful of this.

Please. Whoa! God, you're... That's... (GRUNTS)

And that's when Lisa walked in.

What?

She caught me in the bed with a blonde.

What?

Oh, come on, man. Tell me you haven't ever wanted

to do it with a-- Hans. Hans. No, you cheated on her.

You know something, Tom? You're right.

Oh! I guess that was cheating. And now I've gone and lost everyone.

I should have known from the start it wasn't right.

She kept telling me I reminded her of her dad.

Hans, you gotta realize that this is over, you know?

And you gotta put an end to it, and... and move on.

And get yourself to a better place, okay?

HANS: Yes. I think you know what I mean.

Yeah, I do know what you mean.

And I'm ready. I know what I have to do.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

(O.J. SQUAWKS)

O.J.!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

HANS: Thanks, Tom.

TOM: O.J., come back!

(DOG BARKING)

O.J.!

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(DOOR CREAKS) WOMAN: Hello.

You must be Julie's date. Come in.

Uh, Actually I'm just here looking for a bird.

Make yourself at home, Albert. Julie's still getting ready.

No, actually, uh, my name is Tom. I'm sorry. I'm hard of hearing.

Could you speak up, please? My name is Tom!

I could've sworn Julie said your name was Albert.

No, see, I'm afraid that you're mistaken.

MAN: Is someone here? Yes.

(WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING) This is Julie's date, Albert.

(GRUNTS) WOMAN: This is my nephew, George.

He's blind and crippled.

(SPEAKS LOUDLY) Oh, uh, nice to meet you.

I'm not deaf.

Oh. WOMAN: Excuse me.

I'll go see what's keeping Julie. She's probably nervous.

So you're Julie's date, huh? TOM: No.

I'm just... I just came here. I was looking for an owl.

(LAUGHS) You don't have to make lame excuses.

Listen, do you know what the advantage is in being a cripple?

No, I can't say that I do.

(SCOFFS) You don't really care to hear much what I have to say, do you?

No. No. It's not that. I'm--

You know what? Go ahead, I'm listening.

Sit down, Tom.

You know what I gained by becoming a quad?

What, are you shaking your head? I can't see, you know!

I'm sorry, uh, uh--

Tell me what you gained?

I no longer need my Viagra.

Now, I can maintain my arousal for hours.

That's great. I guess things have a way of evening themselves out in the long run.

No, not really. And do you know why?

No, why? Because I am a blind, quad freak, you moron!

What, you think women dig this?

I mean, you think women go-- KEN: Well, hello.

"I wanna give that mutant freak my number"?

Ken Morehouse. I'm Julie's dad.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Is George boring you with his self-pitying tripe?

Tripe... TOM: No, not at all.

"I'm blind. I'm crippled. Boo-hoo-hoo."

Leave the room. I wanna talk to Albert alone for a second.

I can stay if I want.

(CHAIR THUDS) KEN: Leave the room!

Okay. Okay. No, you can't! Get out!

You don't have to be huffy about it! KEN: Get out now! Get out!

GEORGE: Okay. KEN: Turn it! Turn it! Turn it!

KEN: Oh, for God's sakes. (GLASS CLATTERS)

I'm so...

GEORGE: Who the hell put that there? ...sorry.

My daughter's gonna be a few minutes. Have a... have a seat, Albert.

Tom. No. Ken.

Right. You're Ken. Yes.

Before you say anything, Albert, I just want you to know

that Julie is really self-conscious about her appearance since the accident.

(DOOR SHUTS) Right.

Oh, Julie.

Julie, this is Albert. Albert, Julie.

It's nice to meet you, Albert. (CHUCKLES)

Wow. It's-- Wow. It's nice to meet you, too.

But the thing is, is that I'm not Albert.

That is to say that I'm not your date. Oh!

There's... there's been a giant misunderstanding.

(GASPS, SOBS) How could you?

JULIE: I knew this would happen! WOMAN: She doesn't usually go on blind dates.

He hates me! TOM: No, I'm... I'm telling the truth.

Julie wasn't pretty enough for you, Mr. GQ?

Is that it? No,

you don't understand. Oh, I understand, Fabio.

You broke that poor girl's heart. (JULIE CRYING)

No, no. See, I'm not-- Do you think Julie is an idiot?

Do you think she bought your little fairy tale,

Mr. "I'm too sexy for my medical booties"?

Oh. Get the hell out of here.

Or I'll kick your pretty-boy ass to kingdom come.

Am I interrupting something?

No, it's just that the... (O.J. SQUAWKS)

(GROANS)

AUDREY: Tom, there's two things that we need to talk about.

What? First of all,

I don't wanna wear these booties anymore.

No one else is wearing the booties. Fine.

What's the other thing? Tina thinks she's got cancer.

Do you feel it?

I'm just-- What's supposed to be there? I don't...

See, Tina? Move your hand to the left. Don't you feel anything?

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I mean, no. No.

Tina, your breast is no different than mine, okay?

It is. There's no comparison.

AUDREY: Tom, feel my breast and compare.

Do you detect any difference between our breasts?

You gotta slow down.

It sure feels good. TOM: Well, yours is a...

(LOCK CLICKS) (DOOR OPENS)

Lisa, this isn't what it looks like.

I believed everything you said. I'm...

It was all just a bunch of lines, wasn't it?

No, no. No. Lisa, it was all-- I swear to you, I meant every word.

This is-- Nothing's going on here.

Great, Tom. I'm glad you think I'm a complete idiot.

No! No, I'm telling you. I was just checking these girls

for breast cancer.

You make me sick.

No, Lisa, wait! (DOOR SHUTS)

She's never gonna forgive me. Of course she will.

Is this the first time you cheated on her?

Yeah. No! I-- Yeah-- Wait.

I didn't cheat on her. I mean, you were there for God's sakes!

Look, I know that you didn't cheat on her.

I mean, you were a little grabby, but-- I--

AUDREY: Don't you think we should just find the owl

and worry about your little "affair" later?

(SPLUTTERING) I'm getting angry

and... and I don't get angry. (RETCHES)

Hey, Speed? Hey, can I ask you a question?

What are you... I thought you left.

I did. To get this.

Oh, all right. Why is the fire going? Cozy, isn't it?

All right. You put that down. (METALLIC CREAKING)

T.J.: Make me.

All right. All right. (METAL CLANKS)

TOM: Hey!

Hey! Put the crowbar down! Or I will blow your ass to fucktown!

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

That's right.

What? Don't you ever threaten me.

But I got a gun.

What are you doing?

Well, Tommy, we both have guns.

Only difference is, you don't have the guts to use yours.

Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you so sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

(TRICKLING)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Jesus! What the... What are you, out of your mind?

(HISSES)

(PHONE RINGING)

TOM: Stop that! Are you crazy, man?

Hello? JACK: (OVER PHONE) Stansfield. Anything to report?

Sir! Everything's great. I got-- Everything's under control.

JACK: Did O.J. get enough water? (T.J. GROANING)

Jack, could you hold on? I'm gonna shoot your pecker off.

JACK: I don't plan on being away the entire weekend.

I hate you! JACK: It's possible I may be

coming home early, so make sure that everything's in order.

And there's one additional thing. Sir?

The fish tank. It's a little low.

I'm taking care of that right now. JACK: Good. When I get back,

I want to talk to you about that position in Creative

(GRUNTS) JACK: Don't get excited yet.

I didn't say you had the job. We'll discuss it.

Uh, thank you, sir. Great. Bye.

(TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Holy shit!

I just--

Boy, I'm tapped out. You got anything to drink?

In the kitchen.

Thanks.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

Dammit!

Whoa! What the hay happened in here?

Tom, did you have a little accident?

You might wanna try a few kegels, kinda tighten it up down there.

(CLATTERS)

TOM: That's it! I'm doing them right now.

And release.

Well, when in Rome... (SIGHS)

(TRICKLING)

(SINGS) ♪ Oh, Canada... ♪

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

"Jack Taylor. Rectacid.

Apply liberally to buttocks as needed to reduce redness

and other symptoms of folliculitis."

Son of a bitch.

Did you piss yourself?

No, I did not piss myself. AUDREY: Oh, looks like you did.

TOM: Well, I didn't. It was that maniac downstairs.

No. We gotta stop him before he tears this house apart.

Hmm. You know what you gotta do? Give him one of these little babies.

Perfect. AUDREY: It's a sleeping pill.

I got them from Speed. Here. So strong, so be careful.

It's powerful stuff. Here. Just one.

Be careful.

(METALLIC CREAKING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Hey. Excuse me.

You know, I just wanted to apologize for pulling that gun on you earlier.

That was totally out of line.

Hey, you know, I don't even know your name.

I'm T.J. T.J.? That's nice.

I guess maybe I was, uh, out of line by pissing all over everything.

Man, that was funny. (CHUCKLES) Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I've always enjoyed a good prank.

(CHUCKLES) What are you drinking there?

Whiskey. You want some? Whiskey.

There's plenty of booze around here, that's for sure.

Yeah, I'll take a shot of bourbon.

Oh, my God!

Wow! T.J.: What?

Whoa! Look at those two blondes going at--

Oh, wait, are there three of them? Where?

What? They're going at it right up there on the second floor. Wow!

Where are you looking? Right-- Oh--

Oh, man. They left.

(CHUCKLES) Damn.

I was all psyched up for some action. Lesbians are very special.

(METAL CLANGS)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, I'll drink to that, huh? (CHUCKLES)

T.J.: All right. (CHUCKLES) Cheers.

All right.

(GROANS) TOM: Oh, are you--

Whoa! Here. Why don't I--

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

TOM: Whoa! (GONG CLANGS)

Audrey?

(GROANS)

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Audrey!

(GASPS) Oh, my God! He's like a human vibrator.

What-- All right, what is wrong with him?

I don't know. Did you slip him the pill? Yes.

Then that must be it then.

You didn't give him the pill with whiskey, did you?

Yeah. Oh, no!

You're not supposed to mix the two.

Audrey, you did not tell me that!

Everyone knows that you're not supposed to mix booze with pills!

Come on! Okay. Is he gonna be okay?

Don't worry. He'll be fine. I used to be a paramedic.

Tom? I think I found O.J.

O.J.? I don't care about--

We have a situation here. Audrey, call 911!

I'm telling you, he'll be fine. Are you sure?

He just needs some rest. Okay. You watch T.J. Use this.

It's not loaded, but he doesn't know that.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, man.

(TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Oh, hey.

Julie. (CHUCKLES)

From-- Yeah. JULIE: Down the block.

That's right. You mind if I come in?

AUDREY: All right. You grab his ankles...

Why don't we go to that room over there?

SPEED: Okay. Yeah, I got this end.

AUDREY: Man, he's heavy. (SPEED GRUNTS)

Do you mind if I sit down?

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, yeah. Sure.

JULIE: Oh, Thank you.

(TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Oh, hey. Sorry to butt in. Hi, I'm Red.

Hi, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Anyway, I realized you were telling the truth when my real date showed up.

Of course he didn't stick around.

Well, that guy is a bum. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, I'm sure that had nothing to do with you.

No, I know it did.

I've never had any guys attracted to me, even before the accident.

Now that cannot be true.

Well...

about six months ago, I was hitchhiking and a trucker tried to rape me,

but other than that... RED: Come on.

You're gonna tell me, you never had a real boyfriend?

Well, once, but I think he just felt sorry for me.

Oh, well, uh, how long did that last?

Um... Oh.

About six years and then one day he just left.

TOM: Another woman?

No. He got hit by a bus.

RED: Well, see, that's not your fault.

Well, he didn't seem to try very hard to avoid the bus.

I think he just wanted out of the relationship.

Julie, why don't you sit in this chair?

Oh, jeez, I'm starting to feel a bit woozy. (SIGHS)

(BLOOD SQUISHES) (SIGHS)

Okay. All right, I have to go find O.J.

So, Red, if you could watch things for me, that'd be great.

Got you.

Look, I think you're being way too hard on yourself.

I mean, besides,

I bet there have been a lot of guys who've been attracted to you.

No, he was the only one.

What about that trucker? I mean, he was obviously attracted to you.

(SCOFFS) I think the trucker probably would have raped anyone.

I doubt that. You were probably pretty special to him.

(CHUCKLES) That's so sweet of you, Red.

I'm not just jerking your chain either. I mean it.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

What are you doing to the lawn?

It's okay, Tom. We just had to bury T.J.

Bury-- What? You mean, he's--

You said he was gonna be okay! I thought you were a paramedic.

Well, I took a course.

You took-- You guy... You can't just bury him, you guys!

Well, we're not gonna put him in my car.

AUDREY: That's right. All right.

Forget it. I'm calling 911.

That's for emergencies.

What-- what do you think this is? The guy's dead.

In 20 minutes, he's still gonna be dead.

There's no sense of urgency here. (LAUGHS)

No, we have to call the cops and report it!

And tell them what? The truth! That there was a...

accident.

They might not see it that way. Let's face it, Tom, you did kill him.

You gave me the pill.

Hey, I didn't tell you to kill nobody, okay?

Well, you didn't tell me not to use the whiskey!

Well, if you'd listen to me... You didn't say anything about whiskey!

I would think that you would listen to me! (SPEED BLOWS WHISTLE)

There's no time for blame games.

Why don't you spread around some leaves? Make it look good.

I am not gonna help you conceal a dead body!

Hey, you know what? Don't you think we should say something?

What? You know what? She's right.

Some kind of last rites or eulogy or something like that?

I'm so screwed. We should say something.

Fine. Fine. You know what? Say something. Get-- Just make it quick.

Lord, this day we lay to rest T.J., who was, uh...

I really didn't know him. I don't know him. I mean,

Tom, you know him the best. Why don't you say something?

Me? Yeah.

All I know is that the guy was a violent, sadistic goon that was into lesbians.

ALL: Amen.

LISA: Tom? Lisa.

I can't believe you're still here.

You know, listen, please. You have to let me explain.

Look, Tom. Tonight was just a big mistake.

That's all there is to it. TOM: No.

You-- That-- What you saw with the girls,

all that was, was weird timing.

LISA: Red? What's Red doing here?

Red? Oh, um,

Red was in the neighborhood and he... and he stopped by.

But, you see, nothing really bad happened tonight.

Is he the reason O.J.'s gone?

No. No, uh. O.J. got loose.

And that's a little problem. But we're gonna find him.

And we're looking for him, so... What's this?

Oh, Tom killed a guy and we're burying the body.

Okay, that was bad.

(GROANS) Okay, well, now you're overreacting.

It's that-- Well, It's not--

(SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAM)

(SCREAMS) (GRUNTS)

All right, all right. Hey!

Anybody moves, there's gonna be a big hole where her brain used to be.

Yeah. Go ahead, shoot.

Well, what are you waiting for? Come on!

What are you waiting for? Waste the bitch!

Tom! No, I don't give a shit!

Hey, I'm not joking, asshole.

Yeah? Pull the trigger. Come on.

Come on!

I think you're just all talk.

Looks like we both got guns.

Who's gonna shoot first this time?

(METAL CLANGS) (ALL GASP)

RED: Well, that should do it.

Tom!

You are so brave. No. No.

It's not even that big of a deal. This gun's not even loaded--

(ALL GASP) MAN: What the hell is going on?

I never should have doubted you. You risked your life for me.

Audrey found some bullets in the kitchen and I may have reloaded it.

Yeah, I did.

Yo, excuse me, does anyone here know a Jack Taylor?

Why? This dude just called,

said if I don't pick him up at the train station in 15 minutes,

I'm out of a job. What do you suppose that means?

Oh, my God.

That's what I thought, because I ain't got no job.

He's coming home early. Okay, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of everything, okay? Trust me. Just don't drive too fast.

Got it. And, uh, maybe you should put that away.

Oh, God.

("GO HOME" PLAYING)

♪ Well, let me tell you If you're feeling alone ♪

♪ Instead of whining And moaning ♪

♪ Just get on the phone Tell her you're coming home ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ And if you scream In your sleep Or collapse in a heap ♪

♪ And spontaneously weep Then you know you're in deep ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ Go home ♪

♪ There's nothing better Than affairs of the heart ♪

♪ To make you feel so good Then tear you apart ♪

♪ Make up your mind And stick it out Or start again ♪

♪ You can't imagine what An effort it takes ♪

♪ When you make a mistake ♪

♪ And you know in the wake That a heart's going to break ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ Go home ♪

♪ If you think of her As Joan of Arc ♪

I knew that was you. ♪ She's burning for you Get your car out of park ♪

♪ And if you think of her As Catherine the Great ♪

♪ Then you should be the horse To help her meet her fate ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ Go home ♪

♪ You can't believe it But it's true ♪

♪ She's given everything To you ♪

♪ Now take a moment to be sure

♪ Before you give it all To her ♪

♪ Well, now you're thinking That it's over at last ♪

♪ All your woes in the past ♪

♪ But you've got to be fast Put your foot on the gas ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ So now you're out From under the gun And it's over and done ♪

♪ I won't spoil all the fun But if you were the one ♪

♪ Then she'll be there If you need her ♪

♪ Go home ♪

♪ If you're lucky to be One of the few ♪

♪ To find somebody Who can tolerate you ♪

♪ Then I shouldn't have To tell you again ♪

♪ Just pack your bags And get yourself on a plane ♪

♪ If you need her You should be there Go home ♪

♪ Come on, man If you need her You should be there ♪

♪ Go home! ♪

("GO HOME" CONCLUDES)

JACK: As long as we're in Thailand for the meeting on Monday afternoon.

Yeah. We can pick it up when we refuel in Hawaii.

Hey, uh, do you wanna stop and, uh, get something to drink,

go to the bathroom or something?

We'll take the departmental heads now

and the Creative team in a couple of weeks.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKS)

JACK: That's the agenda up to lunch,

then there's lunch... (O.J. SQUAWKING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

JACK: Delay that again.

(METAL CLANKS)

JACK: Okay. And then...

(ENGINE REVVING) (HORNS HONKING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

JACK: Okay. Okay. (O.J. SQUAWKS)

Okay, fine.

Stansfield, what are you doing?

Nothing, sir.

Hold on a moment, please.

Stansfield...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

...why don't you just concentrate

on the driving

and let me get on with making my call.

TOM: Wait! What is it now, Stansfield?

Oh, nothing, sir.

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Almost home. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Hey. How'd this get in there?

Well, be careful with that. I will. Good thing I found it.

There's several ways to properly dispose of a handgun,

none of which include putting it in a garbage bag.

OFFICER: (OVER PA) Freeze! Police! (POLICE SIREN BLARING)

Freeze! Let go of the girl and put your hands in the air!

You're completely surrounded, T.J.!

Put down your weapons and put your hands on your head!

No, you guys. Wait. He's not T.J. I'm Lisa Taylor.

This is my dad's house. (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Ma'am, we've received numerous reports in this neighborhood.

Theft, gunfire... SPEED: All right.

Look, I know you probably think we may have killed somebody,

but Tom didn't know he poisoned the guy,

and we thought he was dead when we buried him.

But he seems okay now.

His head's just a little bloody from where we hit him with the shovel.

And I swear when Tom shot the gun off,

he didn't think it was loaded, 'cause I put the bullets back in,

so if you'll all just step inside, you'll see there's nobody dead here.

He may have had the wind knocked out of him temporarily,

but with a little first aid, I think he'll be just fine.

(SCREAMS) (GROANS, GASPS)

(ALL SCREAM)

(SCREAMS)

Holy mother of God!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

LISA: Hans!

JACK: Yes, I see. I see.

(MOUSE SQUEAKS) JACK: Okay. Okay, fine.

Could you say that again? You're breaking up!

One moment, please. O.J.!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(GRUNTS)

(TOM SHRIEKS)

LISA: I just can't understand why you would do this.

Hans, what were you thinking? HANS: You know, time to get...

He'll be fine. He may complain about a sore throat,

but he's in a lot better shape than this chandelier.

Boy, I'd hate to be here when the owner gets back.

You can say that again.

ALL: Whoa!

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

LISA: Tom! Daddy! MAN 1: What do we got?

MAN 2: What was that?

MAN 3: Watch the glass, okay, everybody? Let's get 'em out of the car.

LISA: Oh, my God! Daddy!

MAN 1: Everybody, stay back and remain calm.

LISA: Are you all right? That's him.

That's the one spying on me through the bushes.

He shot the bullet right through my Julie's bedroom window.

Here. Tell 'em, Julie.

You guys, Tom wants the body in here.

T.J.: Take it easy. Put me down. (GASPS)

Oh, shit.

Stansfield, what have you done?

Lisa, pack your things. You're coming with me to Thailand.

No!

Get his ass out of here.

It's funny you should mention the word "ass," Jack.

Why don't we start by talking about yours.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse me?

Lisa, your father is not who you think he is.

The whole publishing operation.

It's a great cover.

Now, how'd you do it? What'd you do? Did you hollow out the books?

Oh, and locating the plant in Thailand.

It's genius! MAN: What?

What are you talking about?

What am I-- Jack.

You know, I would've believed you, Jack, until I met this man,

who seems to know a lot about you. You--

Recognize this?

I hear it's very effective in relieving folliculitis.

I don't have folliculitis.

He's given me no choice. I--

He's given me no choice! Tom, what are you doing? This is insane!

Yeah? Take a look at your dad's ass.

No! TOM: Then tell me I'm insane, huh?

(ALL GASP)

TOM: Huh? Huh? Look at it!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Look at it! Huh? Huh?

(ALL GASP) What?

MAN 1: That's nasty.

(ALL GROAN)

I told you I don't have folliculitis, you blithering idiot.

Well, guys, the ointment must have worked.

OFFICER: Let's go.

Wait!

I have something to show you.

(ALL GASP)

HANS: What's with this movie and the ass cheeks?

My real name is Jack Taylor Junior.

Red is my nickname. Now you know why.

I'm the whole reason that T.J.'s here.

Goddamn it, Red.

You've been dealing drugs out of my house!

No, Dad, I swear. I gave this guy a bag of flour.

I... I dumped a kilo of the real stuff down the toilet.

I'm finished dealing for good.

The lime green toilet with the wooden seat?

Yeah, why?

(O.J. SQUAWKING)

(O.J. GULPING)

(SQUAWKS)

(ALL GASP)

Wait a second. He's flying. (O.J. SQUAWKING)

He's flying.

(ALL GASP)

(O.J. SQUAWKING)

(O.J. SHRIEKING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING) (LOUD THUD)

Get him out of my sight... now.

Lisa, let's go.

That's the one. He got my ear!

You have the right to remain silent. Evander Holyfield's ear.

Anything you say can and-- Lisa, wait!

ARTHUR: Fella's Holyfield's ear, for God's sake.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(O.J. SQUAWKING) O.J.?

O.J.! Come to Daddy. (O.J. SQUAWKING)

How's my little boy? (O.J. SQUAWKING)

(O.J. SQUAWKING)

RED: You're going with him?

What choice do I have? He needs me.

Are you actually feeling sorry for him?

He's manipulating you and you are buying it.

All right, fine. You do what you gotta do. I am gonna bail Tom out of jail.

With what? Your drug money? No, no. I stole this out of Dad's safe.

Look, the important thing is, somebody has gotta help Tom.

You know that nothing that happened here last night

was any of his fault.

It's funny. The nicest guy in the world is the only one

with enough balls to stand up to Dad.

All he wanted to do was to spend some time with you.

Look what it gets him.

Classic Dad.

I'm not allowed in the house, you're not allowed out of it.

He doesn't care about us. Only that stupid bird.

LISA: Hey, Red, can I tell you something?

RED: Sure.

I know this is gonna sound weird,

but ever since I was a little kid...

I used to always wish that I was that stupid bird.

(O.J. SQUAWKING)

(TREE BRANCH CREAKING)

Look, I think it's about time you talk to Dad.

At least tell him how you feel.

(GROANS) RED: You can do it.

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)

(GARGLES)

Don't you see? We have no reason to be afraid of him!

(SCREAMS) (LISA SCREAMS)

(ALL SCREAM)

(GRUNTS) (BOTTLES CLANGING)

(SQUEAKS)

(METAL CLANKING) (GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

Daddy!

Lisa, don't let him do this to you.

JACK: Lisa! (METAL CLANGING)

(SCREAMS)

(GLASS RATTLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA)

Lisa!

Tom!

Red bailed me out and told me you were here,

and I'm not letting you go.

Yeah, but I'm--- TOM: No.

You're gonna let me finish. I went through hell last night

and it was my fault 'cause I let people do it to me.

And now, you're gonna make the same mistake.

Yeah, but-- This isn't what you want.

This is what your father wants. And you know what?

Maybe you and I...

never are gonna work.

And that hurts.

But not as much as watching you be controlled by a ruthless tyrant

that would screw his own mother if he thought it'd help him get ahead--

Tom!

I'm not going.

She's... she's not going.

Is this whole concept too complicated for you, Stansfield?

No. No.

All right. (CHUCKLES)

What-- I--

What made you stay?

That.

(CHUCKLES)

How did you guys--

We finally had our long overdue talk.

Then who's taking your place in Thailand?

He is.

What's this? I'm kidding. Ow!

HANS: I don't wanna go. I'm afraid.

Nonsense. Everyone knows that, uh,

Asian people are very intimidated by, uh...

Tall men?

Canadians?

Republicans?

Blacks?

JACK: Henderson? Yes, sir.

I won't have that kind of thinking in this company.

There's no room for racism here. You're fired.

Now, Tom, the point that I'm getting to is

that with a big part of the team away,

I'm gonna want you to take over the Creative Department.

Me? No need to be modest.

I saw those ideas you left in the living room.

Your theory on the JFK thing, brilliant.

And the moon landing, a hoax? You're really onto something there.

That's the kind of thinking that's gonna sell books.

Uh, thank you, sir.

Bye, Daddy. Have a safe flight.

Yes.

Well, Dad...

that's fantastic. You promoted Tom.

Yeah, well, I figure anyone who's got the guts to piss

on my Persian carpet has gotta have what it takes.

Stansfield!

(TRICKLING)

What the hell are you doing?

Just trying to get my job back, sir.

("IF I HAD $1000000" PLAYING)

(LISA SQUEALS) (CHUCKLES)

TOM: You know, after everything that happened,

after all I went through, I guess it was my lucky day.

And I'm not the only one.

Based on Lisa and Red's suggestions,

Jack restructured the company from top to bottom.

Even instituting casual Fridays every day.

And last Friday was Henderson's 27th straight day on the job

without being fired.

O.J.'s back off the drugs and now he only drinks beer.

(O.J. BELCHES)

TOM: But he still has an occasional flashback.

(O.J. SQUAWKING ECHOES)

TOM: Jack begged Audrey to come back,

but she got a job at, of all places, a coffee shop.

(ALL GROAN, RETCH)

Oh, this is terrible!

TOM: Hans succeeded in turning around the company's factory in Thailand.

But apparently, he's still struggling to cope with the local customs.

Back of bus! Excuse me?

You people belong back of bus.

That's an outrage!

Man, I'm not gonna let you treat me like that merely because--

Smoking! Smokers belong back of bus!

(COUGHS)

TOM: As for me, with my new promotion,

I could at last write books based on my own experiences.

So I did. Thank you.

And Lisa was finally able to pursue a career that she loved.

You know, you ever heard someone say that old expression

"Why does everything bad always happen to me?"

Well, I don't get those people.

Because I've learned that if they just stop and look around,

they'd realize that everything happens for a reason

♪ Well, I'd buy you An exotic pet ♪

♪ Yep, like a llama or an emu ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ Well, I'd buy you A green dress ♪

♪ But not a real green dress That's cruel ♪

♪ And if I had A million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ Well, I'd buy you some art A Picasso or a Garfunkel ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ Well, I'd buy you a monkey ♪

♪ Haven't you always Wanted a monkey ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ I'd buy your love ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ If I had a million dollars ♪

♪ I'd be rich ♪

(SONG CONCLUDES)

("BURN THE BOATS" PLAYING)

♪ I found our son an island Not very far from here ♪

♪ I found us with our problems They never disappear ♪

♪ Then I said, can we go now? And you said But we're alone now ♪

♪ And the general says to me You gotta trust the open sea ♪

♪ You should burn the boats Let them smoke Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay and fight the fight That you were meant to fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ So we dug our foxholes And waited through the nights ♪

♪ Waited for the cavalry That never came in sight ♪

♪ Then I knew that the prospect Of forgiveness was evaded ♪

♪ So I said, let's go Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ Burn the boats, let them smok Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay And fight the fight That you were meant to fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ I open up my eyes And try to find The strength inside ♪

♪ Can't you do the same And stop the search For rules to blame ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ So burn the boats Let them smoke Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay and fight the fight that you were meant To fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats ♪

♪ Burn the boats, let them smok Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay and fight the fight that you were meant To fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ So we dug our foxholes And waited through the nights ♪

♪ Waited for the cavalry That never came in sight ♪

♪ Then I knew that the prospect of forgiveness was evaded ♪

♪ So I said, let's go Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ So burn the boats Let them smoke Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay and fight The fight that you were meant To fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats Let's go burn the boats ♪

♪ So burn the boats Let them smoke Let them fade away ♪

♪ So you can stay and fight The fight that you were meant To fight ♪

♪ You gotta burn the boats Let's go burn the boats ♪

("BURN THE BOATS" CONCLUDES)

(T.J. GROANING) I told him he'd see the ass sooner or later.