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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.BZ 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ 3 00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,875 -Hey, Shelly. 4 00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:01,375 I got this thing you sent me. 5 00:01:01,375 --> 00:01:03,458 It's pretty good. 6 00:01:03,458 --> 00:01:07,375 It tastes like cinnamon or almonds. 7 00:01:07,375 --> 00:01:09,083 One of the five. 8 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,833 So, what you doing over there? 9 00:01:13,833 --> 00:01:17,333 Standing around with your butt between your legs? 10 00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:20,250 Shelly's in Los Angeles. 11 00:01:20,250 --> 00:01:22,500 City of Angels. 12 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,250 That's far away. 13 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,750 Dad says it's a shithole. 14 00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,625 -♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪ 15 00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:48,958 ♪ Lean your ear this way ♪ 16 00:01:48,958 --> 00:01:52,250 ♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪ 17 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:54,125 ♪ What I'm going to say ♪ 18 00:01:54,125 --> 00:01:55,750 -I'd love to, but I'm running late. 19 00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:58,750 -♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪ 20 00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:01,333 ♪ Now, you dear old man ♪ 21 00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:02,875 -Come on. 22 00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:04,500 -♪ Whisper what you'll bring to me ♪ 23 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:08,333 -You're strong, beautiful goddesses. 24 00:02:08,333 --> 00:02:12,375 This is effortless. Remember to breathe. 25 00:02:12,375 --> 00:02:15,333 -♪ When I'm fast asleep ♪ 26 00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:18,500 ♪ Down the chimney broad and black ♪ 27 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,625 ♪ With your pack you'll creep ♪ -You look different. 28 00:02:20,625 --> 00:02:23,208 Girl, I got my eyelids Botoxed. 29 00:02:23,208 --> 00:02:25,750 -I knew it. You look so good. -Thank you. 30 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:29,250 I no longer have peripheral vision. 31 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,958 -Give your cat a natural diet 32 00:02:30,958 --> 00:02:34,000 like it would have in the wild. 33 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,375 Give your cat a natural diet. 34 00:02:35,458 --> 00:02:37,083 Give your cat a natural diet 35 00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:39,000 like it would have in the wild. 36 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,208 Try our all-beef perfect bl-- perfect blend. 37 00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,375 Give your cat a natural diet like it would have in the wild. 38 00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:49,375 Try our all-beef "purrfect" blend. 39 00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:52,125 -That was honestly beautiful. 40 00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:54,833 -You really think a cat could take down a cow in the wild? 41 00:02:54,833 --> 00:02:57,833 -We'll let you know. -Hey. 42 00:02:57,833 --> 00:02:59,625 Did I see you the other night at the Comedy Factory 43 00:02:59,625 --> 00:03:01,083 doing, like, improv skits? 44 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:02,208 -Yeah, that was me. 45 00:03:02,208 --> 00:03:04,458 -You're really funny. 46 00:03:04,458 --> 00:03:08,125 You should think about doing that for a living. 47 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:09,125 -Thanks. 48 00:03:09,125 --> 00:03:11,125 I'll consider that. 49 00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:17,250 Can I get an Impossible Whopper with, 50 00:03:17,250 --> 00:03:19,833 no cheese and no mayo? 51 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:23,000 Sorry. My window doesn't work. 52 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,708 Hey, guys. Welcome to the show. 53 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,625 We are Rock, Paper, Laughter. 54 00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:32,208 Happy holidays. 55 00:03:32,208 --> 00:03:34,458 -What ever happened to Merry Christmas, 56 00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:36,625 you harlot? 57 00:03:36,625 --> 00:03:38,583 - It-- - it's still a thing, sir. 58 00:03:38,583 --> 00:03:40,750 This is just a way for us to... 59 00:03:40,750 --> 00:03:42,625 You know what? Never mind. 60 00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:44,083 Who's heard of improv? 61 00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:47,750 Fantastic. 62 00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:50,583 -♪ Becky wants a picture book ♪ 63 00:03:50,583 --> 00:03:53,833 ♪ Yellow, blue, and red ♪ 64 00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:57,083 ♪ Now I think I'll leave to you ♪ 65 00:03:57,083 --> 00:04:00,500 ♪ What you give the rest ♪ 66 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,708 ♪ Choose for me, dear Santa Claus ♪ 67 00:04:03,708 --> 00:04:09,583 ♪ You will know ♪ 68 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:13,958 ♪ The best ♪ 69 00:04:13,958 --> 00:04:16,333 - My God. - It's been a hell of a day. 70 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,250 I've got one for the board, though. 71 00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:21,875 -Let me hear it. -Okay. It's a good one. 72 00:04:21,875 --> 00:04:25,375 "Elaine, 45, beaten down by life. 73 00:04:25,375 --> 00:04:29,208 Not attractive, but not ugly, just plain. 74 00:04:29,208 --> 00:04:31,125 She is quick to anger, 75 00:04:31,125 --> 00:04:33,250 definitely not athletic. 76 00:04:33,250 --> 00:04:34,875 -That is so perfect for you. 77 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,125 My God. Thank you. 78 00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:40,875 God, I hate auditioning. 79 00:04:40,875 --> 00:04:43,375 I just want to do live shows, you know? 80 00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:44,708 Well, how was yours? 81 00:04:44,708 --> 00:04:46,833 Well, I got bumped... 82 00:04:46,833 --> 00:04:49,333 ...for a guy who dresses up like a hot dog 83 00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:50,875 and then does a hot three minutes 84 00:04:50,875 --> 00:04:53,458 about whether a hot dog is a sandwich or not. 85 00:04:53,458 --> 00:04:54,958 - What? - And then Mr. Corduroy 86 00:04:54,958 --> 00:04:56,250 with the husky from Tinder. 87 00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:57,708 We were supposed to meet tonight. 88 00:04:57,708 --> 00:04:59,000 Of course he ghosted. -So you just stayed home 89 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,458 watching murder shows? -Obviously. 90 00:05:00,458 --> 00:05:01,833 I cannot wait to get out of this town 91 00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,500 and see my folks and just... 92 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:06,000 Shit, hon. I'm sorry. 93 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,125 -Dude, just 'cause my family sucks 94 00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,750 doesn't mean you can't enjoy yours. 95 00:05:09,750 --> 00:05:11,708 I was actually thinking about it today, 96 00:05:11,708 --> 00:05:13,833 and I realized that the one and only thing 97 00:05:13,833 --> 00:05:15,250 that we can all agree on 98 00:05:15,250 --> 00:05:16,958 is that Toto is the best band of all time. 99 00:05:16,958 --> 00:05:18,375 -Weren't they, like, one-hit wonders? 100 00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:21,083 What? No. 101 00:05:21,083 --> 00:05:23,208 Sorry. 102 00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:25,375 I've -- I've obviously offended you. 103 00:05:25,375 --> 00:05:26,958 - It's okay. - You know, we're turning 104 00:05:26,958 --> 00:05:28,250 into the craziest kind of roommates, right? 105 00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,583 My God. Are you kidding me? 106 00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,083 In just a few short years, 107 00:05:31,083 --> 00:05:33,375 we'll be firmly in "Golden Girls" territory, 108 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:36,500 and then all I gotta worry about is nights out at the Lions Club 109 00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:38,708 and dating widowers. 110 00:05:38,708 --> 00:05:41,208 -Dude, I would murder to bang a widower right now. 111 00:05:41,208 --> 00:05:43,125 Gross. 112 00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,625 Well, there are young widowers. 113 00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:46,375 -That's true. -But you want an old one. 114 00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:47,875 -I want an old one, like, brittle 115 00:05:47,875 --> 00:05:49,500 and, like, easily influenced. 116 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:53,083 I cut the crusts off his sandwich. 117 00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,125 Gross. 118 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,250 Fuck. -Hey, Shell! 119 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,708 We never seem to be on the same schedule these days. 120 00:06:19,708 --> 00:06:21,500 I miss my sis. 121 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,125 Miss da sista. 122 00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:26,083 Anyway, look, I know it's been a few years 123 00:06:26,083 --> 00:06:27,750 since you came home for Christmas and everything, 124 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,833 and so I figured you're probably not planning 125 00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,833 on coming this year either, but... 126 00:06:31,833 --> 00:06:35,875 -Here we go. Manipulation in three, two... 127 00:06:35,875 --> 00:06:41,083 -Well, Dad had a fall, and he's not doing good. 128 00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:44,708 I really need your help. 129 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:46,625 Anyways, the real reason I'm calling 130 00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:48,375 is 'cause I finished my screenplay 131 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:49,750 and it's already in your inbox. 132 00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:51,833 It's seriously so good. 133 00:06:51,833 --> 00:06:55,833 And I'm super into thinking about my brand right now. 134 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,250 Would you describe me as 135 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,958 "The Crow" meets "Legally Blonde"? 136 00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:01,250 -What about Dad? You want to get back to that? 137 00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:02,958 -Things here are crazy. 138 00:07:02,958 --> 00:07:04,375 We also need to talk about Mark. 139 00:07:04,375 --> 00:07:06,208 Who's gonna take care of him? 140 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,875 So either come home for a visit or call me. 141 00:07:09,875 --> 00:07:13,250 Also, most importantly, don't forget to read my screenplay. 142 00:07:16,583 --> 00:07:17,875 -Fuck. 143 00:07:24,708 --> 00:07:28,000 -♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪ 144 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,375 ♪ What a time to have some fun riding on the sleigh ♪ 145 00:07:31,375 --> 00:07:34,750 -Welcome to Atlanta, where the local time is 9:17 a.m. 146 00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:36,958 Thank you for flying with us. -♪ Dancing down a snowy path ♪ 147 00:07:36,958 --> 00:07:38,458 ♪ And singing all the way ♪ 148 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,250 ♪ The snow's coming down ♪ 149 00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:44,833 ♪ It brightens the spirit with fun being had all around ♪ 150 00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:49,875 ♪ The sparkling sound of bells when you hear it brings joy ♪ 151 00:07:49,875 --> 00:07:53,625 - Five. - ♪ Jingle bells ♪ 152 00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:56,750 -Five more sleeps until Christmas. 153 00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:57,750 -♪ Come along, we'll have some fun ♪ 154 00:07:57,750 --> 00:07:59,500 ♪ Riding on a sleigh ♪ 155 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:03,000 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪ 156 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,375 ♪ What fun, what fun, what fun ♪ 157 00:08:05,375 --> 00:08:08,958 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 158 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,958 ♪ What fun we'll have Christmas Day ♪ 159 00:08:14,125 --> 00:08:15,250 Yes, Phil? 160 00:08:15,250 --> 00:08:16,750 -Michelle! 161 00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:18,500 Did I just see you on Rodeo Drive? 162 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,125 -No, Phil, I'm in Atlanta right now. 163 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,000 -The Peach State. I love it. 164 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,875 Hey, do you have, like, a reel of funny characters? 165 00:08:24,875 --> 00:08:27,000 -That's, like, the only thing I have. 166 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,250 Great, because, "SNL" is looking 167 00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,833 for a new cast member in a hurry. 168 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:36,500 They are desperate and they're looking for women. 169 00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,375 And, you know, both those things -- 170 00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:39,708 very much in your favor. 171 00:08:39,708 --> 00:08:41,333 -"Saturday Night Live"? Holy shit. 172 00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:43,250 -I don't know if they're looking for, like, fat funny 173 00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:45,750 or like, you know, skinny sexy funny. 174 00:08:45,750 --> 00:08:47,375 But, hey, either way, 175 00:08:47,375 --> 00:08:50,500 great time to be a woman in comedy. 176 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:52,500 Okay...cool. 177 00:08:52,500 --> 00:08:54,750 -So, um, things will move pretty fast. 178 00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:57,083 We have to stay in constant communication. 179 00:08:57,083 --> 00:08:59,958 Get me that reel of you doing funny characters. 180 00:08:59,958 --> 00:09:02,000 All right? And -- And please, 181 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,500 very funny. -You got it. 182 00:09:03,500 --> 00:09:05,250 Wait, one more thing, Phil. 183 00:09:08,333 --> 00:09:09,875 That's my sister, but it's fine. 184 00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:11,750 - I'll just call her back. - Call me back after. 185 00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,625 I promise I'll pick up. -Are you sure, Phil? 186 00:09:13,625 --> 00:09:15,958 'Cause for a guy whose job it is to answer the phone, 187 00:09:15,958 --> 00:09:17,625 like, you never do that. 188 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,250 -No, that's not true. Look, I'll prove it. 189 00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:21,583 I will pick up immediately. It won't even ring. 190 00:09:21,583 --> 00:09:24,125 -Okay, thanks. 191 00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:25,500 This couldn't wait? 192 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:27,000 I'm like a block away from the house. 193 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,875 - Is everything okay with Dad? - Yeah. 194 00:09:28,875 --> 00:09:31,083 He's just stockpiling canned goods in his shed. 195 00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:33,833 -How exactly is he doing that if he's hurt from his fall? 196 00:09:33,833 --> 00:09:37,000 I'd say his injuries are mostly psychological. 197 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:41,625 -Andrea, you told me that he wasn't doing well at all. 198 00:09:41,625 --> 00:09:43,833 -I meant mentally. 199 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:47,750 - My God! - I'm gonna kill you. 200 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:50,875 Okay. What was so urgent 201 00:09:50,875 --> 00:09:53,000 that you had to blow up my phone while I'm driving? 202 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,708 -So I have this great idea for a new screenplay. 203 00:09:57,708 --> 00:10:01,583 Imagine, like, a really gritty reboot of "Garfield." 204 00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:05,750 Like...what's he willing to do for that lasagna? 205 00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:17,500 -Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do. 206 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,458 -Fuck! 207 00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:24,625 -♪ First Noel, the... ♪ 208 00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:37,000 ♪ Poor shepherds in fields as they lay ♪ 209 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,958 Fuck. 210 00:10:38,958 --> 00:10:44,000 -♪ In fields where they ♪ 211 00:10:48,875 --> 00:10:52,625 ♪ On a cold winter's night ♪ 212 00:10:52,625 --> 00:10:54,250 -She's a fucking screenwriter now? 213 00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:58,250 W-Who even knows about Garfield and fucking lasagna? 214 00:10:58,250 --> 00:10:59,625 "I hate Mondays." 215 00:10:59,625 --> 00:11:02,125 What the fuck? Jesus Christ. 216 00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:08,875 - My God. - ♪ Noel, Noel ♪ 217 00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:15,250 -The star returns! 218 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,125 -Would you just help me with my bags? 219 00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:19,750 -The ones in the back or the ones under your eyes? 220 00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,250 Seriously, though, did you not get any sleep 221 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:24,500 on the plane or what? 222 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,125 -Please, just cool it. 223 00:11:27,125 --> 00:11:28,875 -Somebody's in a good mood. 224 00:11:28,875 --> 00:11:31,250 -Just help me with my stuff, okay? 225 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:33,000 Okay. 226 00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:40,250 -Service with a smile. 227 00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,250 It's good to see you. 228 00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:55,375 -Yeah, it's good to see you, too. 229 00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,125 Did you read my screenplay? 230 00:11:59,125 --> 00:12:00,708 -You sent it to me yesterday. 231 00:12:00,708 --> 00:12:02,375 -I know, but I thought you might have read it 232 00:12:02,375 --> 00:12:05,625 on the plane since you obviously didn't get any sleep. 233 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,250 -What the hell are you back for? 234 00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:09,375 Hi, Larry. 235 00:12:09,375 --> 00:12:10,833 -Good to see you, Larry. 236 00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:13,125 Is it good to see Larry? 237 00:12:13,125 --> 00:12:15,000 I don't even like to see Larry. 238 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,000 Ol' Larry, who farted too hard in the fourth grade 239 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,958 and everybody called him "Shit Pants Larry" 240 00:12:19,958 --> 00:12:22,250 till he was 25 years old. 241 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:24,000 What are you dirty punks up to? 242 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,750 -You're my age, Larry. 243 00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:27,375 Why do you gotta act like such an old man? 244 00:12:27,375 --> 00:12:29,208 -For some of us, time exists! 245 00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:31,333 All right? I age. 246 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:33,500 Gracefully. Naturally. 247 00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:35,208 Unlike you Hollywood pedophiles. 248 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:36,708 -We went to kindergarten together. 249 00:12:36,708 --> 00:12:39,000 Don't antagonize him. 250 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,625 -Just stating the facts. 251 00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:43,458 -Before we go in, we should talk. 252 00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:48,958 I need you to help me to convince Dad to sell this place. 253 00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:50,458 -Why would I do that? 254 00:12:50,458 --> 00:12:52,875 -So we can use the money, you know, 255 00:12:52,875 --> 00:12:55,875 to set him up someplace with more support. 256 00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:58,875 And Mark. I don't know. 257 00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,375 -What are you talking about? 258 00:13:00,375 --> 00:13:02,625 -Dad can't take care of this place anymore. 259 00:13:02,625 --> 00:13:05,750 He can't take care of himself or Mark. 260 00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,250 We're gonna have to figure something out. 261 00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:09,583 -Okay. I'm just gonna stop you right there 262 00:13:09,583 --> 00:13:12,250 because you've lost a little bit of credibility here. 263 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:16,500 So I'm gonna go in and assess the situation for myself. 264 00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:18,583 -Okay. 265 00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:41,833 -I mean, it's not that bad. 266 00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:43,250 -Are you kidding? 267 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,583 -Just needs a little bit of straightening up. 268 00:13:45,583 --> 00:13:46,750 My God. 269 00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:49,125 Okay, whatever. 270 00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:03,375 My God. 271 00:14:03,375 --> 00:14:06,750 My God. 272 00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:09,875 -Hey! What the...? 273 00:14:09,875 --> 00:14:12,708 Shelly! -Hey, bud! 274 00:14:12,708 --> 00:14:15,833 -I've missed you so much. -I know. Me too. 275 00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:17,875 -Why'd you turn off my food? 276 00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:20,250 -You can't put tinfoil in the microwave, man. 277 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:23,000 -I always do. 278 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,250 I can see that. 279 00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:27,500 -Where's Dad? -He's in the shed. 280 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,958 Stacking water. -So he's okay? 281 00:14:30,958 --> 00:14:33,750 -He's gotten really into the whole doomsday thing. 282 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,375 Shit. 283 00:14:37,375 --> 00:14:40,708 -Survival drill! 284 00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:42,375 Time to lock down our shit! 285 00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:45,250 -It's the end of the world! 286 00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:47,125 Aaaaah! 287 00:14:47,125 --> 00:14:50,875 -Get all of the INCH bags! All of the INCH bags! 288 00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,500 -Hey, Dad. 289 00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,208 Hi -- Hi, honey. 290 00:14:57,625 --> 00:14:59,625 Good. You're -- You're here. Help me with this. 291 00:14:59,625 --> 00:15:01,000 With what, exactly? 292 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,083 -Come on. Come on! 293 00:15:03,083 --> 00:15:05,208 -Dad, Andrea said you had a bad fall. 294 00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:08,000 -I tripped. A tiny bruise. 295 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,333 She's like a one-woman episode of "This is Us." 296 00:15:11,333 --> 00:15:12,875 -You're okay? Like, really? 297 00:15:12,875 --> 00:15:14,625 -With environmental destruction, 298 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,875 return to fascism, overpopulation, 299 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:18,750 society's being pushed to the brink. 300 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:20,375 It's only a matter of time 301 00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:24,083 before we break down into bands of roving warlords. 302 00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:26,250 -So you're okay? -Nobody's okay. 303 00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:29,250 -What a heartwarming thought. 304 00:15:33,875 --> 00:15:36,333 -Everyone have their radiation pills? 305 00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:39,000 -Wait, so this is a nuclear-attack scenario, 306 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,750 and your number-one concern is camouflaging the shed? 307 00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:45,125 -Do you have your INCH bags? -What the shit is an INCH bag? 308 00:15:45,125 --> 00:15:46,583 -It's an acronym. 309 00:15:46,583 --> 00:15:48,208 It stands for, "I'm Never Coming Home." 310 00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,708 -Yeah. 311 00:15:49,708 --> 00:15:51,375 It's kind of like whatever bag you packed 312 00:15:51,375 --> 00:15:53,000 the last time you left. 313 00:15:54,375 --> 00:15:57,083 -Wow. 314 00:15:57,083 --> 00:15:59,000 Okay. 315 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,583 -Sick burn, Dad. 316 00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:01,833 -You know what? Give me a break, Mark. 317 00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:03,833 And Dad, chill out. 318 00:16:03,833 --> 00:16:05,583 And for the record, if the world were ending, 319 00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:07,875 this is the last place I'd want to be stuck. 320 00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:09,250 -Same. -Same. 321 00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:11,375 -All I want is for you all to survive. 322 00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:13,875 -The only threat to my survival at this moment 323 00:16:13,875 --> 00:16:15,750 is that I'm considering killing myself 324 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:18,250 because this conversation is so insane. 325 00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:20,250 -All right. What are you gonna do if there's a fire? 326 00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:21,500 -Put it out. 327 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,833 -I mean specifically in this house, 328 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,000 what steps are you going to take? 329 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,333 -I don't know. 330 00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:30,083 -Right here, there is a lock box, 331 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:37,000 and it is full of fire-safety equipment. 332 00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,250 You have to work like a team, 333 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,375 or we will all burn to death. 334 00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:45,000 There's a fine line between survival 335 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,750 and the coroner sifting through our charred remains. 336 00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:50,750 -The fuck, Dad? -So, Andrea, you are going 337 00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:53,625 to get the keys. -Sweet. I got the easy job. 338 00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:55,875 -Michelle, you open up this bad boy, 339 00:16:55,875 --> 00:16:57,458 and you hand out the equipment. 340 00:16:57,458 --> 00:16:59,625 Mark, you are going to get the fire extinguisher, 341 00:16:59,625 --> 00:17:01,625 and you just spray the shit out of everything. 342 00:17:01,625 --> 00:17:04,083 -Aye aye, Cap'n Butthead! 343 00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:06,875 -The keys are gonna be right in here, got it? 344 00:17:06,875 --> 00:17:08,208 -Got it! -Got it. 345 00:17:08,208 --> 00:17:09,583 -Any questions? -I have a question. 346 00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,125 Why does this box need to be locked? 347 00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:13,958 I mean, isn't it wasting valuable seconds in this inferno 348 00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:17,500 we suddenly find ourselves in? 349 00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,458 -I need a beer. 350 00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:21,375 -Yeah, me too. 351 00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,000 -I don't think casual day drinking 352 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,708 is a good example to set for Mark. 353 00:17:24,708 --> 00:17:26,500 -Hey, stop being so dramatic. 354 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,833 Why don't you just take your stuff up to your old room? 355 00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,625 It's an office now. The couch opens up. 356 00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:31,958 -I'm being dramatic? 357 00:17:31,958 --> 00:17:33,250 You just described in great detail 358 00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,500 how we're all gonna burn to death. 359 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,125 -Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do. 360 00:17:45,125 --> 00:17:46,500 -You see what I'm saying? 361 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:49,125 -I don't know. Maybe. 362 00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:51,750 Just give me a minute, okay? -You got it. 363 00:17:51,750 --> 00:17:56,750 No talking by me for 60 seconds starting... 364 00:17:56,750 --> 00:17:58,208 now! 365 00:18:12,750 --> 00:18:14,250 -Hello? -Hey. 366 00:18:14,250 --> 00:18:16,625 Shit. What's going on? 367 00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:18,375 -I can't tell if my idiot sister 368 00:18:18,375 --> 00:18:19,875 is blowing things out of proportion 369 00:18:19,875 --> 00:18:21,583 or if there's really a problem. 370 00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:23,875 So I'm staying through Christmas, I guess. 371 00:18:23,875 --> 00:18:25,833 I'm gonna try to figure everything out, 372 00:18:25,833 --> 00:18:27,875 and then I'm flying right back. 373 00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:30,125 -Good, because it is fucking blowing up out here. 374 00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:32,000 I mean, motherfucking "SNL." 375 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,833 -Yeah. Somebody got fired? -Yeah. Apparently 376 00:18:33,833 --> 00:18:36,250 some cast member made a joke about Chinese democracy. 377 00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:37,375 -Shit. -Apparently they want 378 00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:39,125 a new woman right away, 379 00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:41,708 so everyone is going in for it, even me. 380 00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:43,833 -Well, good luck to us both. 381 00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:46,208 May the odds be ever in our favor. 382 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,000 -You are such a nerd. 383 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:58,125 -There, Shelly. Let me help you. 384 00:18:58,125 --> 00:19:00,000 -Thanks, Marco. 385 00:19:18,375 --> 00:19:21,000 I can't do this right now. 386 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:26,375 -It's like this. 387 00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:47,958 -Did you do this? 388 00:19:55,083 --> 00:19:56,875 -Hey, man. 389 00:19:56,875 --> 00:20:00,500 Why are you squeezing me so tight? 390 00:21:13,208 --> 00:21:17,708 Four more sleeps until Christmas. 391 00:21:17,708 --> 00:21:19,625 -Mark, what the hell? 392 00:21:19,625 --> 00:21:21,375 I'm still sleeping. 393 00:21:21,375 --> 00:21:22,875 -Oops. Sorry. 394 00:21:22,875 --> 00:21:24,375 -No sorry. Just leavey. 395 00:21:24,375 --> 00:21:27,125 -Hey, you want to sing our Christmas song? 396 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:29,125 -No, Marco. I'm still on LA time. 397 00:21:29,125 --> 00:21:30,750 I want to sleep. Get out! 398 00:21:30,750 --> 00:21:32,083 -Geez. 399 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:35,583 You don't gotta fart my head off. 400 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,875 Good morning, Shel. 401 00:22:06,875 --> 00:22:08,208 -Hey, Dad. 402 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,375 You know, 403 00:22:15,375 --> 00:22:17,750 I'm really glad you're here. 404 00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:20,375 -Yeah, thanks. Me too. 405 00:22:23,375 --> 00:22:27,208 Look, Dad, how you doing? 406 00:22:27,208 --> 00:22:28,708 Like, really? 407 00:22:28,708 --> 00:22:31,625 -I ever tell you about my friend Michael Buddle? 408 00:22:31,625 --> 00:22:33,958 -Only every time we've ever spoken 409 00:22:33,958 --> 00:22:35,375 for as long as I can remember. 410 00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:37,875 -He was a really good actor. 411 00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,750 He was also very smart. 412 00:22:39,750 --> 00:22:41,750 We met at college. 413 00:22:41,750 --> 00:22:43,583 -Yeah, I know, Dad, but, like, 414 00:22:43,583 --> 00:22:45,250 how was everything around the house and stuff? 415 00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:48,125 -Eventually he dropped out of college 416 00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:51,750 because he wanted to pursue acting full-time. 417 00:22:51,750 --> 00:22:53,375 -Because, you know, if you need help 418 00:22:53,375 --> 00:22:54,833 with anything, you could tell me. 419 00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:57,708 -I told him it was a mistake. 420 00:22:57,708 --> 00:23:01,000 Of course, he didn't make much money from acting. 421 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,625 Well, you know how that is. 422 00:23:03,625 --> 00:23:06,125 -That is so gross. 423 00:23:06,125 --> 00:23:08,875 Did Fox News tell you to eat that? 424 00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:10,833 -That's conservative media. 425 00:23:10,833 --> 00:23:12,625 I'm a libertarian. 426 00:23:12,625 --> 00:23:14,083 -What's the goddamn difference? 427 00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:15,708 -I believe in global warming. 428 00:23:15,708 --> 00:23:18,375 I just don't want the government to do anything about it. 429 00:23:18,375 --> 00:23:20,083 -Wow. -So do you want to hear 430 00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:21,250 what happened to Michael Buddle? 431 00:23:21,250 --> 00:23:23,458 -He got sick. -He got sick, 432 00:23:23,458 --> 00:23:24,875 and he didn't have any health insurance. 433 00:23:24,875 --> 00:23:26,125 So you know what happened to him? 434 00:23:26,125 --> 00:23:28,458 -He died. -His heart exploded. 435 00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:32,375 The doctor said if only they had caught it sooner. 436 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:43,000 -You know, Dad, to me, 437 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,583 that story is more of an indictment 438 00:23:44,583 --> 00:23:46,625 of our broken health care system than anything else, 439 00:23:46,625 --> 00:23:50,333 because I know it is certainly not life advice 440 00:23:50,333 --> 00:23:54,083 from a man who is drinking beer and raw eggs for breakfast. 441 00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:57,458 -All I'm saying is people make choices, 442 00:23:57,458 --> 00:24:00,833 and depending on what those choices are, 443 00:24:00,833 --> 00:24:02,625 they sometimes die. 444 00:24:02,625 --> 00:24:05,000 -Okay. Um... 445 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,083 Maybe some holiday decorations 446 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:09,458 will increase morale around here. 447 00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:11,458 Do you have any Christmas lights? 448 00:24:11,458 --> 00:24:13,625 -No. Your mom took them when she left. 449 00:24:13,625 --> 00:24:15,333 -I'm gonna get some, 450 00:24:15,333 --> 00:24:17,500 because if this is potentially 451 00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:19,250 our last holiday in the house, 452 00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:22,125 we should do it right. 453 00:24:22,125 --> 00:24:24,208 -What the hell are you talking about? 454 00:24:25,208 --> 00:24:28,125 Andrea seems to think 455 00:24:28,125 --> 00:24:29,583 that you need to get rid of this place. 456 00:24:29,583 --> 00:24:31,875 -Yeah, well, Andrea answers the phone 457 00:24:31,875 --> 00:24:33,250 in a Shakespearean accent, 458 00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:35,250 so maybe we shouldn't put so much stock 459 00:24:35,250 --> 00:24:36,500 into what Andrea says. 460 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:38,875 -Yeah, but -- -This is my home! 461 00:24:38,875 --> 00:24:40,500 I bought it. 462 00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:44,375 I have lived here for 30 years. Mark, too. 463 00:24:44,375 --> 00:24:47,583 We are not gonna leave just because Andrea thinks we should. 464 00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:50,333 -Yeah, I know, but -- -I am not some sick old man! 465 00:24:50,333 --> 00:24:53,500 I still have plenty of fighting years left. 466 00:24:56,958 --> 00:25:02,208 They will take this house from my cold, dead hands. 467 00:25:09,833 --> 00:25:11,500 -Okay, then. 468 00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:25,375 I'm gonna go for a run and pick up some stuff 469 00:25:25,375 --> 00:25:29,208 on the off chance that anybody cares! 470 00:25:56,958 --> 00:26:00,625 -Nice! I didn't know you ran. 471 00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:03,500 Runner's high, am I right? -No. 472 00:26:03,500 --> 00:26:06,500 The runner's high is a myth, just like the female orgasm. 473 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:09,875 Got it. Can I have one of those drinks? 474 00:26:09,875 --> 00:26:12,875 -Sure. 475 00:26:12,875 --> 00:26:16,625 -Thank you. -So I talked to Dad. 476 00:26:16,625 --> 00:26:19,458 -Yeah, I-I know he's against it, 477 00:26:19,458 --> 00:26:21,833 but you gotta understand... 478 00:26:26,333 --> 00:26:30,375 Boy, that is spicy. 479 00:26:30,375 --> 00:26:32,250 -It's a sparkling water. 480 00:26:32,250 --> 00:26:34,333 -It's got some kick. 481 00:26:34,333 --> 00:26:37,500 -Okay, so what do I gotta understand? 482 00:26:37,500 --> 00:26:40,583 Damn, that is spicy as hell. 483 00:26:42,083 --> 00:26:44,250 -Are you done? 484 00:26:44,250 --> 00:26:45,750 -Okay. Yeah. Um... 485 00:26:45,750 --> 00:26:47,833 So there's, like, a financial component, right? 486 00:26:47,833 --> 00:26:49,875 Like, property taxes and whatever else. 487 00:26:49,875 --> 00:26:53,875 And he's behind, so they're gonna take it from him. 488 00:26:53,875 --> 00:26:56,625 And obviously that's not gonna go over well. 489 00:26:56,625 --> 00:26:59,375 So I figure he should just make the decision 490 00:26:59,375 --> 00:27:02,125 on his own and cash in while he can. 491 00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:04,000 -Maybe you could float him a few bucks? 492 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:05,458 -No! 493 00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:07,333 Especially because I don't think he and Mark 494 00:27:07,333 --> 00:27:09,375 should be alone in this house anymore! 495 00:27:09,375 --> 00:27:12,000 -Okay. God! 496 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,875 Keep it down. Every conversation 497 00:27:13,875 --> 00:27:16,708 doesn't need to be an Oscar-winning moment, okay? 498 00:27:16,708 --> 00:27:19,333 -I don't know what you're talking about. 499 00:27:19,333 --> 00:27:22,500 -But if there's a financial component, I mean, that's that. 500 00:27:22,500 --> 00:27:24,708 It'd suck balls, but there's nothing you can do, I guess. 501 00:27:24,708 --> 00:27:27,125 -We also need to figure out what Mark's gonna do, right? 502 00:27:27,125 --> 00:27:30,000 -Yeah. Look, let's just take it one thing at a time, okay? 503 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,375 And we'll figure it out. 504 00:27:31,375 --> 00:27:33,625 -I love you. 505 00:27:33,625 --> 00:27:35,708 You're a good sister. 506 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,583 -I-I'm gonna go put the groceries away. 507 00:27:54,125 --> 00:27:57,208 I'm the dog... 508 00:27:57,208 --> 00:27:59,000 -Hey, Marco, I'm going to get some Christmas lights. 509 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,958 You want to come with me? -Nah. 510 00:28:00,958 --> 00:28:02,500 -You can get your picture taken with Santa. 511 00:28:02,500 --> 00:28:03,583 Wouldn't that be fun? 512 00:28:03,583 --> 00:28:06,083 -Santa's not real. 513 00:28:06,083 --> 00:28:09,083 You sound retarded. 514 00:28:09,083 --> 00:28:11,083 -What?! 515 00:28:11,083 --> 00:28:12,708 Where did you hear that? 516 00:28:16,625 --> 00:28:19,083 Well, don't say it anymore. It's a bad word. 517 00:28:19,083 --> 00:28:21,125 -You say "bitch." 518 00:28:21,125 --> 00:28:23,333 -When I say "bitch," it's different. 519 00:28:23,333 --> 00:28:25,625 Like, I'm taking it back. 520 00:28:25,625 --> 00:28:28,375 God. I gotta go back to LA. 521 00:28:28,375 --> 00:28:31,750 -Okay. Okay. I was just kidding. 522 00:28:31,750 --> 00:28:33,875 -Why does everything have to be so impossible? 523 00:28:33,875 --> 00:28:37,833 -Santa's real. Let's go get a picture. 524 00:28:37,833 --> 00:28:39,458 -You just said Santa wasn't real. 525 00:28:39,458 --> 00:28:41,833 -I was just tricking you. 526 00:28:41,833 --> 00:28:44,500 -Okay, you knucklehead. Let's go. 527 00:28:45,875 --> 00:28:52,708 -♪ Ooh, Merry Christmas, baby ♪ 528 00:28:52,708 --> 00:28:54,500 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 529 00:28:54,500 --> 00:28:57,458 -The only way you can get your present this year 530 00:28:57,458 --> 00:29:01,625 is if you say one nice thing about each other. 531 00:29:01,625 --> 00:29:03,125 I love you. You're the best 532 00:29:03,125 --> 00:29:05,125 sister in the world. . That's a -- 533 00:29:05,125 --> 00:29:07,250 -You too! -That's a good one. 534 00:29:07,250 --> 00:29:09,125 You will get your presents, I promise. 535 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,875 -Thank you. -You're welcome. 536 00:29:10,875 --> 00:29:12,250 I'll see you next year. 537 00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:15,125 - Bye. - Goodbye. 538 00:29:15,125 --> 00:29:17,375 Next! 539 00:29:17,375 --> 00:29:19,708 Here we go. 540 00:29:19,708 --> 00:29:22,500 Hell no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 541 00:29:22,500 --> 00:29:24,625 My balls! 542 00:29:24,625 --> 00:29:27,500 Okay, big guy. 543 00:29:27,500 --> 00:29:28,625 What do you want for Christmas. 544 00:29:28,625 --> 00:29:30,750 -Tickets to see Toto. 545 00:29:30,750 --> 00:29:33,250 -Aren't they, like, one-hit wonders? 546 00:29:33,250 --> 00:29:35,333 -No. -Okay, well, what about 547 00:29:35,333 --> 00:29:36,333 something more realistic? 548 00:29:36,333 --> 00:29:37,625 -A job. 549 00:29:37,625 --> 00:29:41,500 -A job? -Yeah. 550 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:43,333 -Okay, I'll see what I can do. 551 00:29:43,333 --> 00:29:45,958 I got a buddy who runs a Hooters. 552 00:29:45,958 --> 00:29:47,333 -Or! 553 00:29:47,333 --> 00:29:49,750 -Or? -A girlfriend. 554 00:29:49,750 --> 00:29:53,208 -You want a job or a girlfriend? 555 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:55,500 -Yeah, but not both. 556 00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:56,958 -Well, why not? 557 00:29:56,958 --> 00:29:59,125 -I can't handle that much responsibility. 558 00:29:59,125 --> 00:30:01,708 You and me both, brother. 559 00:30:01,708 --> 00:30:04,500 -Let's hurry it up, hotshot. 560 00:30:10,625 --> 00:30:13,875 -♪ Up on the housetop reindeer pause ♪ 561 00:30:13,875 --> 00:30:16,875 ♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪ 562 00:30:16,875 --> 00:30:19,875 ♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪ 563 00:30:19,875 --> 00:30:23,000 ♪ All for the little ones, Christmas joys ♪ 564 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:26,125 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 565 00:30:26,208 --> 00:30:29,375 ♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪ 566 00:30:29,375 --> 00:30:32,083 ♪ Up on the housetop click, click, click ♪ 567 00:30:32,083 --> 00:30:35,333 ♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪ 568 00:30:35,375 --> 00:30:41,625 ♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪ 569 00:30:49,375 --> 00:30:51,708 Well, shit! 570 00:30:51,708 --> 00:30:53,458 Come on, you little... 571 00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:55,750 fuckers! 572 00:30:55,750 --> 00:30:58,000 -How's my awesome sister doing? 573 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:02,208 -Well, I just spent two hours putting these goddamn lights up, 574 00:31:02,208 --> 00:31:05,583 and the cocksuckers don't work. 575 00:31:05,583 --> 00:31:07,708 -Have you tried plugging them in? 576 00:31:09,875 --> 00:31:12,000 -Yeah. 577 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,375 Tell me you have weed. 578 00:31:14,375 --> 00:31:15,875 -Let's go. 579 00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,750 -Hey. -Yeah? 580 00:31:17,750 --> 00:31:19,583 -Should we invite Mark? 581 00:31:19,583 --> 00:31:23,125 -Isn't that, like, an ethical minefield? 582 00:31:23,125 --> 00:31:25,500 -He drinks beer. Is it that different? 583 00:31:25,500 --> 00:31:28,375 -Yeah, and you don't think he should drink beer. 584 00:31:28,375 --> 00:31:29,958 -It just seems unfair. 585 00:31:29,958 --> 00:31:31,500 You know, like, it's just another thing 586 00:31:31,500 --> 00:31:33,958 that he misses out on. -Yeah. 587 00:31:33,958 --> 00:31:37,458 -Only in this case, it's not from society or whatever. 588 00:31:37,458 --> 00:31:38,958 It's from his sisters. 589 00:31:38,958 --> 00:31:40,583 The ones that should be looking out for him. 590 00:31:40,583 --> 00:31:43,250 My God. Okay! 591 00:31:43,250 --> 00:31:45,083 -Okay? 592 00:31:45,125 --> 00:31:46,625 -Okay. 593 00:31:56,500 --> 00:31:58,375 -There you go. 594 00:32:09,833 --> 00:32:12,583 Take it easy, man. 595 00:32:12,583 --> 00:32:14,625 Don't be a hero. 596 00:32:14,625 --> 00:32:17,250 -I have to be a hero. 597 00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:18,875 It's my job. 598 00:32:18,875 --> 00:32:21,583 -Well, definitely beats selling life insurance. 599 00:32:21,583 --> 00:32:24,083 -What is that supposed to mean? 600 00:32:24,083 --> 00:32:25,750 -It means I hate my job. 601 00:32:25,750 --> 00:32:28,333 -Well, having some money has got to take the edge off. 602 00:32:28,333 --> 00:32:30,083 -Your career is cool. 603 00:32:30,083 --> 00:32:32,625 -Do I look rich or famous to you? 604 00:32:32,625 --> 00:32:36,500 -You're both just lucky 605 00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:40,125 that mom didn't come home for Christmas. 606 00:32:42,250 --> 00:32:44,750 -Yeah. Isn't she in the Florida Keys 607 00:32:44,750 --> 00:32:46,000 with her Parrot Head boyfriend? 608 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,500 -Yeah, but she keeps threatening 609 00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:49,250 to come home for a visit. 610 00:32:49,250 --> 00:32:52,250 -She's weird and loud. 611 00:32:52,250 --> 00:32:54,500 And when she gets mad. 612 00:32:54,500 --> 00:32:57,208 She is the master of ripping people apart. 613 00:32:57,208 --> 00:32:58,625 -She can act so classy, 614 00:32:58,625 --> 00:33:00,958 and then, like, her inner demons come out. 615 00:33:00,958 --> 00:33:03,750 You little bastards smoking weed back there? 616 00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:06,875 -I called the DEA! 617 00:33:06,875 --> 00:33:08,375 Yeah, I called them. 618 00:33:08,375 --> 00:33:11,125 I looked them up on the Internet! 619 00:33:11,125 --> 00:33:14,250 -You should turn on the Christmas lights. 620 00:33:14,250 --> 00:33:15,833 -Well, they're fucked, so... 621 00:33:15,833 --> 00:33:17,833 -Did you try plugging them in? 622 00:33:17,833 --> 00:33:19,708 My God. Yes, I did. 623 00:33:19,708 --> 00:33:22,583 -I think there's a bad bulb somewhere, and that's why. 624 00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:24,250 -I don't think that's a thing anymore. 625 00:33:24,250 --> 00:33:26,083 -I can guarantee you it is. 626 00:33:26,083 --> 00:33:28,000 -Well, they're brand-new. -Doesn't matter. 627 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:31,083 -Well, look, I'm not an expert in electrics or whatever, 628 00:33:31,083 --> 00:33:33,208 but I just heard that that wasn't a thing anymore. 629 00:33:33,208 --> 00:33:35,208 That's all I'm saying. -And I can tell you 630 00:33:35,208 --> 00:33:38,250 that wherever you heard that from is wrong. 631 00:33:38,250 --> 00:33:40,375 -O...kay? 632 00:33:40,375 --> 00:33:43,708 -I'm not trying to be a dick, but I promise you that 633 00:33:43,708 --> 00:33:46,125 if there's a burnt-out bulb, the whole strand won't light up. 634 00:33:46,125 --> 00:33:49,000 And that's for sure what's happening here. 635 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,750 -You can't use this one. It doesn't work. 636 00:33:52,750 --> 00:33:56,125 You gotta use this one instead. 637 00:34:16,875 --> 00:34:19,125 -You're both wrong, Shelly. 638 00:34:19,125 --> 00:34:22,083 -Thanks. I got it, Mark. 639 00:34:23,625 --> 00:34:25,500 Who the fuck is that? 640 00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,125 - I knew it! - What? 641 00:34:36,125 --> 00:34:38,375 -Hi. -He's been getting sex workers. 642 00:34:38,375 --> 00:34:39,708 -Prostitutes? 643 00:34:39,708 --> 00:34:42,125 - What do you think? - My God. 644 00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:44,750 -Although the preferred term is sex worker. 645 00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:47,625 -Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas. 646 00:34:49,125 --> 00:34:50,500 -I didn't think they did that. 647 00:34:50,500 --> 00:34:52,375 -Well, some do, some don't. 648 00:34:52,375 --> 00:34:54,000 It's really case by case. 649 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:55,500 It's tough to generalize. 650 00:34:55,500 --> 00:34:58,000 -How do you know so fucking much about this? 651 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:00,500 -Can you finally admit that things are fucked around here? 652 00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:01,750 -Shelly. -I mean... 653 00:35:01,750 --> 00:35:03,458 -Shelly! -What?! 654 00:35:03,458 --> 00:35:07,083 -It is tough to generalize, Shelly. 655 00:35:07,083 --> 00:35:09,833 -Okay. Christ! 656 00:35:09,833 --> 00:35:12,375 Is she bringing her own 657 00:35:12,375 --> 00:35:14,625 Christmas stocking into our home? 658 00:35:14,625 --> 00:35:17,000 -He's completely lost it. See? 659 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:19,583 -Fine. You were right. I was wrong. 660 00:35:19,583 --> 00:35:21,875 -Thank you. -But there is no way 661 00:35:21,875 --> 00:35:24,333 that we can sell the house in the condition that it is now. 662 00:35:24,333 --> 00:35:27,333 So tomorrow is go time. 663 00:36:04,375 --> 00:36:06,750 - Did you get a callback? - My God. Yes. Did you? 664 00:36:06,750 --> 00:36:09,500 -Yes! Aah! -Holy shit. 665 00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:11,250 What if we're in the cast of "SNL" together? 666 00:36:11,250 --> 00:36:13,500 -You do realize we're competing for the same spot, right? 667 00:36:13,500 --> 00:36:14,750 -Shut up. Don't even put that out there. 668 00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:16,375 - My God. - What was I thinking? 669 00:36:16,375 --> 00:36:17,625 This is absolutely the year that middle-aged women 670 00:36:17,625 --> 00:36:19,083 take over comedy. -I love you. 671 00:36:19,083 --> 00:36:20,125 I gotta put my tape together. -Bye. 672 00:36:20,125 --> 00:36:21,375 -Bye. 673 00:36:29,250 --> 00:36:31,583 -Three. 674 00:36:31,583 --> 00:36:34,708 Three more sleeps until Christmas. 675 00:36:34,708 --> 00:36:38,125 -You gotta stop coming in here so early, man. 676 00:36:38,125 --> 00:36:41,125 -Maybe you shouldn't stay up so late 677 00:36:41,125 --> 00:36:44,375 smoking the devil's lettuce. 678 00:36:44,375 --> 00:36:47,125 Look at me. I'm Michelle. 679 00:36:47,125 --> 00:36:50,208 I love to smoke weed. 680 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:53,833 I also do crack and cocaine. 681 00:36:58,958 --> 00:37:00,583 -Hey, Dad? 682 00:37:00,583 --> 00:37:02,125 I was thinking today we could -- 683 00:37:02,125 --> 00:37:05,125 My God. 684 00:37:05,125 --> 00:37:06,958 What is happening? 685 00:37:06,958 --> 00:37:09,250 -What does it look like? 686 00:37:09,250 --> 00:37:11,875 -Yeah, but...why? 687 00:37:11,875 --> 00:37:14,625 -Because taking sexy pics is like planting a tree 688 00:37:14,625 --> 00:37:16,250 or buying a house. 689 00:37:16,250 --> 00:37:17,750 -What does that even mean? 690 00:37:17,750 --> 00:37:20,083 -Best time to do it -- 10 years ago. 691 00:37:20,083 --> 00:37:22,583 Second best time -- right now. 692 00:37:22,583 --> 00:37:24,375 10:00 a.m. on a Sunday. 693 00:37:24,375 --> 00:37:26,250 Okay. 694 00:37:35,583 --> 00:37:37,333 -What the hell is this? -It's an air horn, Dad. 695 00:37:37,333 --> 00:37:39,083 It's a beacon to millennials everywhere. 696 00:37:39,083 --> 00:37:41,125 -That's my people. 697 00:37:41,125 --> 00:37:43,458 -All right, we gotta get this place cleaned up. 698 00:37:43,458 --> 00:37:45,875 -Why? -So that every day isn't like 699 00:37:45,875 --> 00:37:47,833 living in a frat house full of hoarders. 700 00:37:47,833 --> 00:37:50,750 -We like being frat-house hoarders. 701 00:37:50,750 --> 00:37:54,125 -Okay, well, look, I've got a job for everybody. 702 00:37:54,125 --> 00:37:57,125 Where's Anj? -In her house, where she lives. 703 00:37:57,125 --> 00:38:00,833 -Well, I guess I have a job for you, too, then. 704 00:38:00,833 --> 00:38:03,208 -This is Sharon. And we are busy. 705 00:38:03,208 --> 00:38:05,458 -No, we are not. We can help. 706 00:38:05,458 --> 00:38:07,000 -Hi. I'm Michelle. 707 00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,125 - I've heard so much about you. - For God... 708 00:38:09,125 --> 00:38:12,750 -Can we please not be garbage people for one day? 709 00:38:12,750 --> 00:38:16,000 -We like being garbage people. 710 00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,875 It's our destiny. 711 00:38:17,875 --> 00:38:20,083 -Well, but you want a Christmas tree 712 00:38:20,083 --> 00:38:22,375 and presents and stuff, right? 713 00:38:22,375 --> 00:38:24,000 -Yeah. 714 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,125 -Okay, well, there's nowhere to put one right now, 715 00:38:26,125 --> 00:38:28,833 so if you help me clean up, 716 00:38:28,833 --> 00:38:31,583 Dad and I promise we'll get you a Christmas tree. 717 00:38:31,583 --> 00:38:34,250 Come on, guys. 718 00:38:34,250 --> 00:38:36,000 You know she's right. 719 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:39,875 - Okay. Okay. - I'll do it! 720 00:38:39,875 --> 00:38:43,750 -Dad, are you in? 721 00:38:43,750 --> 00:38:47,083 -Well, I'm outnumbered and backed into a corner, 722 00:38:47,083 --> 00:38:48,125 so yeah. 723 00:38:51,625 --> 00:38:52,833 -Fuck you! 724 00:38:52,833 --> 00:38:53,875 -♪ Hey ♪ 725 00:38:58,583 --> 00:39:00,125 ♪ Whoo! ♪ 726 00:39:04,458 --> 00:39:07,250 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 727 00:39:07,250 --> 00:39:09,958 ♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪ 728 00:39:09,958 --> 00:39:12,833 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ 729 00:39:12,833 --> 00:39:15,625 ♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪ 730 00:39:15,625 --> 00:39:18,500 ♪ Don we know our gay apparel ♪ 731 00:39:18,500 --> 00:39:21,250 ♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪ 732 00:39:21,250 --> 00:39:24,083 ♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪ 733 00:39:24,083 --> 00:39:27,000 ♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪ 734 00:39:57,875 --> 00:40:00,750 ♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 735 00:40:00,750 --> 00:40:03,583 ♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪ 736 00:40:03,583 --> 00:40:06,375 ♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪ 737 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:09,000 ♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪ 738 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:12,000 ♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪ 739 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,875 ♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪ 740 00:40:14,875 --> 00:40:17,750 ♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪ 741 00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,750 ♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪ 742 00:40:24,208 --> 00:40:26,500 -Is that where that thing's staying? 743 00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:28,375 -Yeah. -It's kind of low. 744 00:40:28,375 --> 00:40:29,833 -Well, you should easily be able to see it 745 00:40:29,833 --> 00:40:31,208 and walk around it. 746 00:40:31,208 --> 00:40:33,250 -It's huge. -Well, if it's so huge, 747 00:40:33,250 --> 00:40:34,875 it should be easy to avoid. 748 00:40:34,875 --> 00:40:36,333 -Okay. 749 00:40:36,333 --> 00:40:38,208 It's fine. No problem. 750 00:40:50,250 --> 00:40:53,250 -See you soon. -Have a great day. 751 00:40:56,375 --> 00:40:58,500 -Hey, can you give me a lift to the tree place? 752 00:40:58,500 --> 00:41:00,833 I'm not supposed to drive since the DUI. 753 00:41:02,833 --> 00:41:06,750 I think "by not supposed to," you mean "prohibited by law." 754 00:41:06,750 --> 00:41:08,125 -Yeah, whatever. 755 00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:15,250 Dad is... 756 00:41:15,250 --> 00:41:16,458 Is that woman a prostitute? 757 00:41:16,458 --> 00:41:20,250 -Hey, look at this tree here. 758 00:41:20,250 --> 00:41:21,875 Dad. 759 00:41:21,875 --> 00:41:24,625 -Is that woman a prostitute? 760 00:41:24,625 --> 00:41:25,750 -Who? Sharon? 761 00:41:25,750 --> 00:41:27,250 -Yes, Sharon. 762 00:41:27,250 --> 00:41:29,750 I wasn't sure who you were referring to 763 00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:32,000 because you didn't use her name. 764 00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,250 -Is Sharon a prostitute? 765 00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:35,500 -Sharon? 766 00:41:37,625 --> 00:41:39,000 I don't know. 767 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:42,750 I mean, to me, she's, 768 00:41:42,750 --> 00:41:46,083 more of a friend, I suppose. 769 00:41:46,083 --> 00:41:48,083 -Well, do you have sex with her? 770 00:41:48,083 --> 00:41:50,750 -Yeah. -Do you pay her cash? 771 00:41:50,750 --> 00:41:52,750 -Venmo. But sure. 772 00:41:52,750 --> 00:41:54,250 -Okay, well, then I think that you should know 773 00:41:54,250 --> 00:41:55,375 that your definition of a friend 774 00:41:55,375 --> 00:41:57,375 is the exact same as a prostitute. 775 00:41:57,375 --> 00:41:59,875 -She prefers the term sex worker. 776 00:41:59,875 --> 00:42:01,750 -Again with the sex worker. 777 00:42:01,750 --> 00:42:04,000 Look, Dad, I just don't think it's a good influence on Mark. 778 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:06,500 -He's a grown man. -With developmental delays. 779 00:42:06,500 --> 00:42:08,333 -That is such a bullshit excuse. 780 00:42:08,333 --> 00:42:10,125 -I don't think I need an ironclad excuse 781 00:42:10,125 --> 00:42:12,125 to ask you to not be fucking hookers. 782 00:42:12,125 --> 00:42:14,625 -Hey, come on, man! Sex worker. 783 00:42:14,625 --> 00:42:16,708 -Around my brother with special needs. 784 00:42:16,708 --> 00:42:19,958 -Well, you've suddenly become big on family values. 785 00:42:19,958 --> 00:42:21,125 For someone who stopped coming home 786 00:42:21,125 --> 00:42:22,875 for Christmas for no reason. 787 00:42:22,875 --> 00:42:25,375 -Do you know what you said to me last time I was here? 788 00:42:25,375 --> 00:42:27,250 Quote, "Enough with the comedy thing. 789 00:42:27,250 --> 00:42:29,833 Time to do something real." -I never said that. 790 00:42:29,833 --> 00:42:32,000 The fuck you didn't! 791 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:35,000 -Sorry. She's from Los Angeles. 792 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,750 -So I said, you know what? 793 00:42:36,750 --> 00:42:38,833 I'm not gonna go home until I can prove him wrong. 794 00:42:38,833 --> 00:42:40,500 -Well, you're here. You've done it. 795 00:42:40,500 --> 00:42:42,500 -No, Dad. 796 00:42:42,500 --> 00:42:45,625 I didn't do it. 797 00:42:45,625 --> 00:42:48,750 I do shitty improv gigs for 150 bucks. 798 00:42:48,750 --> 00:42:50,583 I live in a tiny apartment. 799 00:42:50,583 --> 00:42:51,875 You were right. 800 00:42:51,875 --> 00:42:54,958 That's what makes me so fucking mad. 801 00:42:54,958 --> 00:42:56,875 But I'm close. 802 00:42:56,875 --> 00:43:00,750 Like, closer than I've ever been before. 803 00:43:00,750 --> 00:43:02,750 And I just want everybody to be okay 804 00:43:02,750 --> 00:43:05,625 and to have Merry Christmas. 805 00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,875 But I'm worried about you guys. 806 00:43:07,875 --> 00:43:09,458 I just don't have space in my life 807 00:43:09,458 --> 00:43:11,125 to take care of you and Mark. I just don't. 808 00:43:11,125 --> 00:43:13,833 -We're fine. Okay? 809 00:43:13,833 --> 00:43:17,708 Michelle, you really gotta get your shit together. 810 00:43:21,333 --> 00:43:23,583 Hey, my man! 811 00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:25,625 We want this tree. -That one? 812 00:43:25,625 --> 00:43:30,083 That's a crappiest tree on the lot, but it's all yours. 813 00:43:39,833 --> 00:43:44,500 -Hey, that's the weirdest, most pathetic little tree 814 00:43:44,500 --> 00:43:46,458 I've ever seen in my life! 815 00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:48,083 -Up yours, Larry! 816 00:43:48,083 --> 00:43:50,000 Weird things need a home, too, 817 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,375 you steaming sack of shit. 818 00:43:52,375 --> 00:43:53,875 -Good to see you, Larry. 819 00:43:53,875 --> 00:43:57,750 -Bye! Hope your home is marked by plague. 820 00:43:57,750 --> 00:44:02,583 -♪ It came upon a midnight clear ♪ 821 00:44:02,583 --> 00:44:04,000 -Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do. 822 00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:05,750 Leave a message. 823 00:44:05,750 --> 00:44:09,708 -♪ That glorious song of old ♪ 824 00:44:09,708 --> 00:44:11,875 -This place looks so great. -Yeah, I know. 825 00:44:11,875 --> 00:44:13,958 It should be easy to get it listed now. 826 00:44:13,958 --> 00:44:16,875 -Yeah. We just have to get Dad on board. 827 00:44:16,875 --> 00:44:18,208 -Yeah, I'll talk to him again. 828 00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:20,708 I just gotta find the right moment. 829 00:44:20,708 --> 00:44:23,000 -So... 830 00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:25,125 any luck with my screenplay? 831 00:44:25,125 --> 00:44:28,375 What? No. 832 00:44:28,375 --> 00:44:30,750 -I'd just love any notes you might have. 833 00:44:30,750 --> 00:44:33,333 - Yeah? - Well, not notes per se, 834 00:44:33,333 --> 00:44:34,750 because it's completely done, 835 00:44:34,750 --> 00:44:36,625 and I'm not open to making any more changes, 836 00:44:36,625 --> 00:44:39,583 but I'd love any positive feedback. 837 00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:42,250 Yeah, I'll, read it as soon as I get a chance. 838 00:44:42,250 --> 00:44:44,375 What's the genre? 839 00:44:44,375 --> 00:44:46,625 -It's a powerful family drama, 840 00:44:46,625 --> 00:44:49,458 but with as many laughs as a straight-up comedy. 841 00:44:49,458 --> 00:44:50,750 -Cool. 842 00:44:50,750 --> 00:44:53,250 -It's the first part of a trilogy. 843 00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:54,875 -Ambitious. 844 00:44:54,875 --> 00:44:56,500 -Think you might get a chance to read it tonight? 845 00:44:56,500 --> 00:44:59,000 - Please? - No, I-I can't tonight. 846 00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:02,250 I'm gonna -- I'm gonna try to call and meet with my agent. 847 00:45:02,250 --> 00:45:05,375 -I've been meaning to ask you -- what's your agent like? 848 00:45:05,375 --> 00:45:06,958 -I don't know. 849 00:45:06,958 --> 00:45:08,833 I mean, he just basically gets me, like, auditions 850 00:45:08,833 --> 00:45:12,125 for bit parts and shows about cops and doctors. 851 00:45:12,125 --> 00:45:13,833 Like procedurals and stuff? 852 00:45:13,833 --> 00:45:18,208 -Like, imagine any show that has an action sequence 853 00:45:18,208 --> 00:45:20,750 set to music by the end. 854 00:45:20,750 --> 00:45:23,458 You can't make a show good 855 00:45:23,458 --> 00:45:25,208 just by adding a song or whatever. 856 00:45:25,208 --> 00:45:27,083 Totally. It's like, "no, we don't have 857 00:45:27,083 --> 00:45:29,458 a dramatic climax for the story, so, 858 00:45:29,458 --> 00:45:30,833 let's do some slow-mo music." 859 00:45:30,833 --> 00:45:32,500 It's so dumb! 860 00:45:32,500 --> 00:45:34,250 -Yeah, the industry is totally fucked. 861 00:45:34,250 --> 00:45:35,875 I was watching "Handmaid's Tale," 862 00:45:35,875 --> 00:45:37,875 and then a commercial for Weight Watchers came on. 863 00:45:37,875 --> 00:45:39,375 -Ew. 864 00:45:39,375 --> 00:45:41,375 Why were you watching with commercials? 865 00:45:41,375 --> 00:45:43,083 -That's just the glamorous life 866 00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:45,708 of being a struggling comedian in Los Angeles, I guess. 867 00:45:45,708 --> 00:45:47,250 -You could always come back to Atlanta 868 00:45:47,250 --> 00:45:49,458 to do shows, you know. -Yeah, right. 869 00:45:49,458 --> 00:45:51,625 -Plus, you know, help out with family stuff. 870 00:45:51,625 --> 00:45:53,708 -Yeah, well, I'm just here to get everybody settled, 871 00:45:53,708 --> 00:45:55,583 and then I'm back to LA. 872 00:45:55,583 --> 00:45:58,875 -Well, we're cheering for you. 873 00:45:58,875 --> 00:46:01,750 -There actually is something... 874 00:46:01,750 --> 00:46:04,458 potentially big, maybe. 875 00:46:04,458 --> 00:46:05,833 -There you go! 876 00:46:05,833 --> 00:46:07,625 And you know what? You're gonna get it. 877 00:46:07,625 --> 00:46:09,500 And you want to know why? 878 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:12,250 Because you're talented as hell. 879 00:46:14,625 --> 00:46:16,500 -That's really kind. 880 00:46:19,625 --> 00:46:22,458 I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go try to crash out early. 881 00:46:23,708 --> 00:46:26,250 -Okay. 882 00:46:26,250 --> 00:46:29,208 Good night. -Good night. 883 00:46:29,208 --> 00:46:32,125 Let me know if you get a chance to read my screen... 884 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:46,875 -Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do. 885 00:46:46,875 --> 00:46:48,750 Leave a message. 886 00:47:37,583 --> 00:47:39,625 -Two more sleeps. 887 00:47:39,625 --> 00:47:42,875 -I was just dreaming about a very satisfying romance 888 00:47:42,875 --> 00:47:45,125 with a gingerbread man. 889 00:47:49,208 --> 00:47:51,208 I gotta get this. Get out. 890 00:47:53,250 --> 00:47:55,000 Phil? -Michelle, it's Phil. 891 00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:57,125 -Yeah, I know. Did you get my stuff? 892 00:47:57,125 --> 00:47:59,250 -Yeah, and I sent it along, 893 00:47:59,250 --> 00:48:02,625 and I gotta say... they loved you! 894 00:48:02,625 --> 00:48:04,458 -Really? -Yeah! 895 00:48:04,458 --> 00:48:06,375 They wouldn't shut up about you. 896 00:48:06,375 --> 00:48:08,875 They kept going on about how amazing you were. 897 00:48:08,875 --> 00:48:10,833 It was the best audition they've ever seen. 898 00:48:10,833 --> 00:48:12,250 -Well, that's good, right? 899 00:48:12,250 --> 00:48:15,708 -It's fantastic. It's unbelievable. 900 00:48:15,708 --> 00:48:17,250 It's incredible. 901 00:48:17,250 --> 00:48:19,458 But they did ultimately decide to go with, 902 00:48:19,458 --> 00:48:22,083 this TikTok star called, Karen Cassady. 903 00:48:22,083 --> 00:48:24,958 She's in her 30s, bit of a better look. 904 00:48:24,958 --> 00:48:26,750 I mean, I looked her up, 905 00:48:26,750 --> 00:48:29,000 and she is beautiful and super funny, 906 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:31,583 so, you know, no shame in losing to Michael Jordan. 907 00:48:31,583 --> 00:48:33,250 Right? But, hey, you know what? 908 00:48:33,250 --> 00:48:35,375 We'll get the next prime-time, 909 00:48:35,375 --> 00:48:37,625 sketch show on network TV. 910 00:48:37,625 --> 00:48:40,000 You know, there's like a million of these things... 911 00:49:01,333 --> 00:49:05,000 You know that's got like a million calories, right? 912 00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:07,250 -I like it! 913 00:49:07,250 --> 00:49:09,125 -Hey, hon, 914 00:49:09,125 --> 00:49:12,125 I ever tell you my story about my friend Michael Buddle? 915 00:49:12,125 --> 00:49:13,500 -Not today. 916 00:49:13,500 --> 00:49:16,875 The lady emerged from slumber. 917 00:49:16,875 --> 00:49:18,500 -No! 918 00:49:18,500 --> 00:49:21,208 -I am taking two Xanax and I'm going back to bed. 919 00:49:21,208 --> 00:49:22,708 I will see you all tomorrow. 920 00:49:22,708 --> 00:49:25,833 It's 11:30 in the morning. 921 00:49:25,833 --> 00:49:27,625 -Good night. 922 00:49:36,125 --> 00:49:39,208 -Only one sleep left till Christmas. 923 00:49:39,208 --> 00:49:41,625 -Just gotta give me one morning 924 00:49:41,625 --> 00:49:43,125 where this isn't how I wake up. 925 00:49:43,125 --> 00:49:45,583 -You want to sing our Christmas song? 926 00:49:45,583 --> 00:49:48,000 -No, Mark, I just woke up. 927 00:49:49,750 --> 00:49:54,750 Dad says you can have this -- this thing if you want. 928 00:49:54,750 --> 00:49:58,125 Christmas is finally here! 929 00:49:58,125 --> 00:50:00,375 Santa rules! 930 00:50:00,375 --> 00:50:02,500 -Jesus Christ. 931 00:50:51,708 --> 00:50:53,125 Hey, bud. 932 00:50:53,125 --> 00:50:54,875 What are we thinking for Christmas dinner? 933 00:50:54,875 --> 00:50:56,583 You know, we should probably make a list 934 00:50:56,583 --> 00:51:00,958 and get to the store before it gets too busy and... 935 00:51:03,875 --> 00:51:05,625 What is going on? 936 00:51:05,625 --> 00:51:08,625 -What? -This is not okay, Mark. 937 00:51:08,625 --> 00:51:10,500 What the hell's going on? 938 00:51:10,500 --> 00:51:11,625 -This. 939 00:51:11,625 --> 00:51:13,000 This is going on. 940 00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:14,625 It's fine. 941 00:51:14,625 --> 00:51:16,625 -Yeah, it's fine. 942 00:51:16,625 --> 00:51:19,958 -In what world is this not a big deal? 943 00:51:19,958 --> 00:51:21,250 -This world. -Mark! 944 00:51:21,250 --> 00:51:24,000 -There is no yelling in this house! 945 00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:26,833 -You are supposed to be setting boundaries for Mark. 946 00:51:26,833 --> 00:51:29,125 This is completely inappropriate. 947 00:51:29,125 --> 00:51:31,000 -And you don't shame him. 948 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:32,500 He's exploring his sexuality. 949 00:51:32,500 --> 00:51:35,875 -He's watching porn on the family television. 950 00:51:35,875 --> 00:51:39,250 -You do not get to waltz in here and make him feel bad 951 00:51:39,250 --> 00:51:41,375 for doing something that's completely natural. 952 00:51:41,375 --> 00:51:43,000 -Natural? Yeah. 953 00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:46,833 Yeah. Animals watch each other have sex all the time. 954 00:51:46,833 --> 00:51:50,000 I love a good old-fashioned squirrel gangbang, Dad! 955 00:51:50,000 --> 00:51:53,000 -In this house, we are allowed to do anything we want 956 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:54,458 as long as we're not hurting anyone. 957 00:51:54,458 --> 00:51:57,333 -Yeah, we do what we want. -Okay, great. 958 00:51:57,333 --> 00:51:58,750 Well, you know what I want to do? 959 00:51:58,750 --> 00:52:01,833 This. This is what I want to do. 960 00:52:01,833 --> 00:52:04,125 Don't fucking hurt anybody. 961 00:52:05,833 --> 00:52:07,250 This! See? 962 00:52:07,250 --> 00:52:09,750 I'm not hurting anybody, am I?! 963 00:52:18,625 --> 00:52:21,458 There you go. System works. 964 00:52:21,458 --> 00:52:23,625 Do whatever you want. 965 00:52:27,500 --> 00:52:30,708 -I want to watch porn. 966 00:52:30,708 --> 00:52:32,375 -Well, you can't. 967 00:52:32,375 --> 00:52:34,625 'Cause the Grinch here destroys 968 00:52:34,625 --> 00:52:37,083 everything that makes us happy. 969 00:52:37,083 --> 00:52:41,250 -Well, maybe the Grinch wouldn't be so mean 970 00:52:41,250 --> 00:52:43,750 if the Who people weren't constantly singing about 971 00:52:43,750 --> 00:52:45,458 what a piece of shit he is! 972 00:52:45,458 --> 00:52:48,000 -That's a really good point. 973 00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:49,875 -I am leaving 974 00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:52,250 while I still have my dignity. 975 00:52:58,125 --> 00:53:00,458 -Hard to believe she's still single. 976 00:53:02,375 --> 00:53:06,000 -Aah! Fucking damn it! 977 00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:11,125 Fuck. 978 00:53:11,125 --> 00:53:13,083 Ho, ho, ho! 979 00:53:13,083 --> 00:53:16,000 You're gonna wind up on the naughty list, little girl. 980 00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:19,250 -Just...give me a break. 981 00:53:19,250 --> 00:53:21,625 I brought my stuff so I can spend the night. 982 00:53:21,625 --> 00:53:23,375 Just like old times. 983 00:53:23,375 --> 00:53:25,000 -I'll be in in a minute. 984 00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:26,708 How'd that thing with your agent turn out? 985 00:53:26,708 --> 00:53:30,083 - Terrible. - Shit. Sorry. 986 00:53:30,083 --> 00:53:33,375 I guess you won't be in slow motion anytime soon? 987 00:53:34,708 --> 00:53:38,000 I'm in sloooooooooow 988 00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:39,625 motion. 989 00:53:39,625 --> 00:53:43,083 I brought my baaag. 990 00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:48,125 Okay. 991 00:53:48,125 --> 00:53:49,500 See you inside. 992 00:53:49,583 --> 00:53:51,208 See you inside. 993 00:53:57,875 --> 00:54:01,000 Damn. What happened to the cable box? 994 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:04,375 -Hey, you still using that star decoration, 995 00:54:04,375 --> 00:54:06,125 or can I have it? 996 00:54:06,125 --> 00:54:08,250 Unless it's too broken, 'cause then I don't want it. 997 00:54:08,250 --> 00:54:13,833 -I just want to have a nice Christmas, Larry. 998 00:54:13,833 --> 00:54:16,500 Is that too much to ask? 999 00:54:16,500 --> 00:54:19,500 I don't fucking think so. 1000 00:54:19,500 --> 00:54:23,375 So I'm gonna let this fuel me, Larry. 1001 00:54:23,375 --> 00:54:26,583 I'm gonna let this power me through 1002 00:54:26,583 --> 00:54:29,750 to make a nice fucking dinner 1003 00:54:29,750 --> 00:54:34,375 so we can have one happy memory 1004 00:54:34,375 --> 00:54:38,208 to stack up against the mountain 1005 00:54:38,208 --> 00:54:40,375 of bullshit, Larry. 1006 00:54:40,375 --> 00:54:43,708 Do you hear me? 1007 00:54:43,708 --> 00:54:45,833 -I didn't hear a single word you said. 1008 00:54:45,833 --> 00:54:49,000 Yeah, I lost most of my hearing to, polio. 1009 00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,875 My parents let me have it. 1010 00:54:50,875 --> 00:54:52,458 Can I get the star decoration, though? 1011 00:54:52,458 --> 00:54:54,333 Do you mind tossing it over the fence? 1012 00:54:54,333 --> 00:54:57,875 I'm really tired from stripping copper piping from the hospital. 1013 00:54:57,875 --> 00:54:59,750 Where are you going? 1014 00:55:04,500 --> 00:55:08,125 -♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪ 1015 00:55:08,125 --> 00:55:15,125 ♪ O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem ♪ 1016 00:55:15,125 --> 00:55:19,458 -So obviously no pressure or anything, but... 1017 00:55:19,458 --> 00:55:21,750 any chance you've gotten to read my screenplay yet? 1018 00:55:21,750 --> 00:55:24,208 - No, sorry. - I haven't gotten to it yet. 1019 00:55:24,208 --> 00:55:26,375 Of course. No worries. 1020 00:55:28,375 --> 00:55:30,625 Do you think you'll read it tonight or...? 1021 00:55:30,625 --> 00:55:32,708 Um... 1022 00:55:32,708 --> 00:55:34,833 I don't know. Maybe. 1023 00:55:34,833 --> 00:55:36,750 -'Cause I'm just super excited for you to read it. 1024 00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:38,458 -Yeah, no, I know. 1025 00:55:42,250 --> 00:55:44,125 You know, I'd probably be reading it now 1026 00:55:44,125 --> 00:55:46,208 if I didn't have to get dinner ready. 1027 00:55:46,208 --> 00:55:48,625 -Really? -Yeah, of course. 1028 00:55:48,625 --> 00:55:52,750 Well, then I-I can take care of dinner from here. 1029 00:55:52,750 --> 00:55:54,625 No, it's too much. 1030 00:55:54,625 --> 00:55:56,458 -No, seriously. 1031 00:55:56,458 --> 00:55:57,958 I got it from here on out, 1032 00:55:57,958 --> 00:56:00,375 if you want to go give it a read. 1033 00:56:00,375 --> 00:56:03,625 Um... 1034 00:56:03,625 --> 00:56:06,583 Okay. 1035 00:56:06,583 --> 00:56:08,750 -Awesome. 1036 00:56:10,583 --> 00:56:12,250 Sounds good. 1037 00:56:12,250 --> 00:56:13,750 All right. 1038 00:56:13,750 --> 00:56:15,125 Here I go. 1039 00:56:15,125 --> 00:56:18,333 -♪ O come let us adore Him ♪ 1040 00:56:18,333 --> 00:56:19,958 ♪ O come ♪ 1041 00:56:19,958 --> 00:56:23,875 -"The Pennyworth Chronicles Volume One." 1042 00:56:25,250 --> 00:56:27,875 God help me. 1043 00:56:30,750 --> 00:56:34,125 198 pages? 1044 00:56:34,125 --> 00:56:36,375 For fuck's sake. 1045 00:56:42,333 --> 00:56:44,750 "It was no normal house 1046 00:56:44,750 --> 00:56:46,500 that the Pennyworths had built 1047 00:56:46,500 --> 00:56:49,958 atop that hill in the middle of London. 1048 00:56:49,958 --> 00:56:57,375 But mind you, the Pennyworths were no normal family. 1049 00:56:57,375 --> 00:56:59,125 Love? 1050 00:56:59,125 --> 00:57:01,250 I don't know. 1051 00:57:01,250 --> 00:57:03,333 What is love, really, 1052 00:57:03,333 --> 00:57:07,000 but a four-letter word for pain? 1053 00:57:09,625 --> 00:57:11,500 Ladies and gentlemen, 1054 00:57:11,500 --> 00:57:17,000 I present to you the mystery of electromagnetics. 1055 00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:21,833 And as the rain pours down on the hull of the spaceship 1056 00:57:21,833 --> 00:57:25,458 where they stand, he kisses her gently, 1057 00:57:25,458 --> 00:57:30,750 but in a rush, like the waves kiss the beach on a calm day. 1058 00:57:30,750 --> 00:57:35,625 Waves that made her vagina tingle. 1059 00:57:35,625 --> 00:57:39,875 It was the house. It was always the house. 1060 00:57:39,875 --> 00:57:42,500 The secret wasn't in the house. 1061 00:57:42,500 --> 00:57:47,375 The secret was the house. 1062 00:57:47,375 --> 00:57:49,708 And as the children watched the forest burn 1063 00:57:49,708 --> 00:57:53,625 along with their dreams, the flames lighting their faces 1064 00:57:53,625 --> 00:57:56,625 like the lamps on an ancient stage, 1065 00:57:56,625 --> 00:58:00,083 they knew that the worst of them had the most to lose, 1066 00:58:00,083 --> 00:58:03,000 but the best of them would never let go. 1067 00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:05,375 And somewhere in between, 1068 00:58:05,375 --> 00:58:08,125 they finally answered the question -- 1069 00:58:08,125 --> 00:58:11,625 What is a Penny truly Worth?" 1070 00:58:13,500 --> 00:58:16,625 "Fin." 1071 00:58:16,625 --> 00:58:20,583 -It's the best thing I've ever read. 1072 00:58:20,583 --> 00:58:22,500 What the fuck?! 1073 00:58:28,083 --> 00:58:30,125 -Done already? 1074 00:58:30,125 --> 00:58:31,375 It takes most people four hours 1075 00:58:31,375 --> 00:58:34,125 because I rarely use paragraph breaks. 1076 00:58:34,125 --> 00:58:37,500 It's really good. 1077 00:58:37,500 --> 00:58:39,458 Well, did you think it was too much 1078 00:58:39,458 --> 00:58:41,625 how I turned the twins into cyborgs? 1079 00:58:41,625 --> 00:58:43,375 -No, it's perfect. 1080 00:58:43,375 --> 00:58:48,000 You broke all the rules and still made something... 1081 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:49,208 amazing. 1082 00:58:49,208 --> 00:58:51,583 -I'm so glad you liked it. 1083 00:58:51,583 --> 00:58:54,750 And dinner's almost ready. 1084 00:58:54,750 --> 00:58:56,500 You look so pretty. 1085 00:58:56,500 --> 00:58:59,375 Thanks. 1086 00:58:59,375 --> 00:59:01,625 I'm gonna go set the table. 1087 00:59:09,875 --> 00:59:11,583 You're setting the table? 1088 00:59:11,583 --> 00:59:14,125 -Gotta make things look nice for dinner. 1089 00:59:14,125 --> 00:59:15,458 Duh. 1090 00:59:15,458 --> 00:59:18,083 -Okay, good. I'm gonna go get Dad. 1091 01:00:09,125 --> 01:00:10,625 - Hey. - Hey. 1092 01:00:10,625 --> 01:00:13,000 Hey, can you lift this up here for me? 1093 01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:16,250 -Yeah. 1094 01:00:16,250 --> 01:00:18,583 - Dinner's ready. - Excellent. 1095 01:00:18,583 --> 01:00:21,458 I am going to go ham on some turkey. 1096 01:00:24,625 --> 01:00:26,375 Hey, Dad... 1097 01:00:28,625 --> 01:00:31,750 About earlier... 1098 01:00:31,750 --> 01:00:34,125 I'm sorry. 1099 01:00:34,125 --> 01:00:37,625 It's not up to me what you do, 1100 01:00:37,625 --> 01:00:39,333 what either of you guys do. 1101 01:00:39,333 --> 01:00:41,500 It's just... 1102 01:00:41,500 --> 01:00:42,875 I don't know. 1103 01:00:42,875 --> 01:00:44,375 I think I'm just putting my shit onto you, 1104 01:00:44,375 --> 01:00:47,958 and I'm not even here anymore. 1105 01:00:47,958 --> 01:00:49,875 That's not fair. 1106 01:00:49,875 --> 01:00:52,500 I shouldn't be like that. 1107 01:00:52,500 --> 01:00:56,375 I guess I just miss you guys, and I'm afraid you and Mark 1108 01:00:56,375 --> 01:00:59,875 are gonna devolve into a "Grey Gardens" situation 1109 01:00:59,875 --> 01:01:01,750 if I don't do something. 1110 01:01:01,750 --> 01:01:05,208 And I'm afraid I'm wasting my life 1111 01:01:05,208 --> 01:01:06,875 and I don't know what to do anymore. 1112 01:01:06,875 --> 01:01:09,500 And I just, um... 1113 01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:12,000 I don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry. 1114 01:01:12,000 --> 01:01:14,125 -Hey, hey, come on. 1115 01:01:31,833 --> 01:01:35,250 -Hey, about -- about this morning with the TV thing, 1116 01:01:35,250 --> 01:01:36,875 the -- the porn thing. -You don't have to -- 1117 01:01:36,875 --> 01:01:39,875 No, I'm not gonna apologize. 1118 01:01:39,875 --> 01:01:41,375 -Okay. 1119 01:01:41,375 --> 01:01:43,875 -I just want to tell you a story. 1120 01:01:43,875 --> 01:01:46,833 -All right. 1121 01:01:46,833 --> 01:01:48,500 Yeah. 1122 01:01:52,500 --> 01:01:56,375 When your mom was pregnant with Mark, 1123 01:01:56,375 --> 01:02:00,125 um, you girls were still very little, 1124 01:02:00,125 --> 01:02:02,583 and... 1125 01:02:02,583 --> 01:02:06,625 doctors were just starting to test for the genetic markers 1126 01:02:06,625 --> 01:02:11,333 for conditions like what Mark has. 1127 01:02:11,333 --> 01:02:15,250 So, we had some routine tests. 1128 01:02:15,250 --> 01:02:18,958 Then, we were brought back for some more, 1129 01:02:18,958 --> 01:02:23,375 and then we were brought back for even more. 1130 01:02:23,375 --> 01:02:27,750 Till finally, this doctor comes in and he goes, 1131 01:02:27,750 --> 01:02:30,000 "I'm sorry. 1132 01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:32,500 The results are in. 1133 01:02:32,500 --> 01:02:35,500 Your baby has a developmental disability. 1134 01:02:35,500 --> 01:02:37,958 I'm really sorry." 1135 01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:44,958 And I remember he just kept saying he was sorry. 1136 01:02:52,083 --> 01:02:54,833 And then... 1137 01:02:54,833 --> 01:03:00,000 he told us to prepare to terminate the pregnancy. 1138 01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:03,708 - My God. - Yeah. 1139 01:03:03,708 --> 01:03:05,375 Yeah. 1140 01:03:07,208 --> 01:03:10,250 It was right then I knew I was not gonna let my son 1141 01:03:10,250 --> 01:03:14,250 apologize for his life, ever. 1142 01:03:15,958 --> 01:03:18,375 He's not sorry. I'm not sorry. 1143 01:03:18,375 --> 01:03:20,208 Nobody needs to be sorry. 1144 01:03:20,208 --> 01:03:23,583 There's not a fucking thing to be sorry about. 1145 01:03:23,583 --> 01:03:25,250 -What'd you say to the doctor? 1146 01:03:25,250 --> 01:03:27,375 -I told him to go back to Nazi Germany 1147 01:03:27,375 --> 01:03:29,625 with his final-solution bullshit. 1148 01:03:31,875 --> 01:03:34,083 Then I punched him in the clavicle. 1149 01:03:34,083 --> 01:03:36,208 - The clavicle? - Yeah. It's a stunt movie. 1150 01:03:36,208 --> 01:03:38,875 It was a beauty. I wish you'd been there. 1151 01:03:42,875 --> 01:03:47,250 I am just so goddamn proud of you little fuckers. 1152 01:03:47,250 --> 01:03:50,208 The three of you are the best, 1153 01:03:50,208 --> 01:03:55,333 the best thing that's ever happened to me. 1154 01:03:55,333 --> 01:03:56,833 And with the comedy thing, 1155 01:03:56,833 --> 01:04:01,083 I-I know you're not where you want to be. 1156 01:04:01,083 --> 01:04:02,708 I am so proud of you. 1157 01:04:05,083 --> 01:04:06,750 -Thanks, Dad. 1158 01:04:10,083 --> 01:04:13,083 And, I know you don't want to take my advice. 1159 01:04:13,083 --> 01:04:14,875 -That's not true. 1160 01:04:14,875 --> 01:04:17,125 No. Yeah, that's totally true. 1161 01:04:17,125 --> 01:04:19,583 -Yeah, well, listen. 1162 01:04:19,583 --> 01:04:23,583 Do not let anyone control your happiness. 1163 01:04:23,583 --> 01:04:28,000 Okay? Once you do, they've got you. 1164 01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:29,125 -Okay. 1165 01:04:30,333 --> 01:04:32,375 -Okay. 1166 01:04:38,708 --> 01:04:41,083 You know you gotta sell the house, Dad. 1167 01:04:47,083 --> 01:04:49,000 I know. 1168 01:04:51,375 --> 01:04:53,250 I know. 1169 01:04:58,875 --> 01:05:01,750 Hey, what do you say we, 1170 01:05:01,750 --> 01:05:04,250 we go shotgun some cranberry sauce? 1171 01:05:04,250 --> 01:05:06,125 - Okay. - Okay. 1172 01:05:13,750 --> 01:05:16,833 And so then the guy says, "Doc, how long do I have 1173 01:05:16,833 --> 01:05:18,375 to stop masturbating?" And the doctor says, 1174 01:05:18,375 --> 01:05:20,375 "Well, at least till I finish the examination." 1175 01:05:26,125 --> 01:05:27,875 You're not funny. 1176 01:05:27,875 --> 01:05:29,458 -Hey, come on. 1177 01:05:29,458 --> 01:05:31,125 What do you think Michelle gets her humor from? 1178 01:05:31,125 --> 01:05:32,125 Certainly not from your mother. 1179 01:05:32,125 --> 01:05:33,500 -What she lacks in humor, 1180 01:05:33,500 --> 01:05:35,625 she makes up for with rock-hard fruitcake. 1181 01:05:35,625 --> 01:05:38,000 Do you remember when Dad dressed up 1182 01:05:38,000 --> 01:05:39,333 like an elf for mom? 1183 01:05:39,333 --> 01:05:41,208 No. 1184 01:05:41,208 --> 01:05:42,875 That's -- You're misremembering. 1185 01:05:42,875 --> 01:05:44,875 -Yeah, we would always have pancakes before presents. 1186 01:05:44,875 --> 01:05:46,250 We gotta do that this year. 1187 01:05:46,250 --> 01:05:48,625 You know, when I was cleaning up, 1188 01:05:48,625 --> 01:05:50,375 I saw that costume. It's around here somewhere. 1189 01:05:50,375 --> 01:05:51,625 -No! -It is. 1190 01:05:51,625 --> 01:05:53,500 - Dad! - ! Sounds like we're doing 1191 01:05:53,500 --> 01:05:56,875 elf pancakes this year. -Yeah, you wish. 1192 01:05:56,875 --> 01:05:59,500 -Now, if we could just get it to snow on Christmas 1193 01:05:59,500 --> 01:06:01,500 for once, we'd be set. 1194 01:06:01,500 --> 01:06:03,083 That's not gonna happen. 1195 01:06:03,083 --> 01:06:05,625 -Yeah, all we've got is Dad's 1196 01:06:05,625 --> 01:06:08,333 dry, dead bushes in the backyard. 1197 01:06:08,333 --> 01:06:09,875 -Hey. -Sorry, Dad. 1198 01:06:09,875 --> 01:06:12,333 -Why, God, whyyyy? 1199 01:06:12,333 --> 01:06:14,458 -Whyyyy, God? 1200 01:06:14,458 --> 01:06:16,250 -I'll tell you, if there is a God, 1201 01:06:16,250 --> 01:06:17,750 I'm gonna get them to answer 1202 01:06:17,750 --> 01:06:20,333 for the total lack of fucking snow, trust me. 1203 01:06:20,333 --> 01:06:22,500 -This conversation just took a weird religious turn. 1204 01:06:22,500 --> 01:06:24,208 -All right. Weird religious angles 1205 01:06:24,208 --> 01:06:25,500 are what the holidays are all about. 1206 01:06:25,500 --> 01:06:27,583 And mindless consumerism. 1207 01:06:27,583 --> 01:06:31,875 -I think it's all about everybody 1208 01:06:31,875 --> 01:06:36,750 and everybody's weakest goals. 1209 01:06:36,750 --> 01:06:38,875 -Everybody and their weakest goals? 1210 01:06:38,875 --> 01:06:40,583 -Yeah. 1211 01:06:40,583 --> 01:06:41,833 -I don't know what that means. 1212 01:06:41,833 --> 01:06:44,750 Okay. Like...all right. 1213 01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:47,875 I-I'm trying to get into "RuPaul's Drag Race." 1214 01:06:47,875 --> 01:06:50,083 I can't do it. It's just not grabbing me. 1215 01:06:50,083 --> 01:06:51,750 -Okay. All right. 1216 01:06:51,750 --> 01:06:53,750 So my weakest goal is that my New Year's resolution 1217 01:06:53,750 --> 01:06:56,208 is going be to lose two pounds. 1218 01:06:56,208 --> 01:06:59,833 -Um, my weakest goal is to finally unpack my bag 1219 01:06:59,833 --> 01:07:01,750 from when I flew to Cincinnati last month. 1220 01:07:01,750 --> 01:07:03,625 -Now you guys are finally 1221 01:07:03,625 --> 01:07:06,375 getting what Christmas is all about. 1222 01:07:06,375 --> 01:07:09,250 -I say Christmas is about you kids remembering shit 1223 01:07:09,250 --> 01:07:12,208 I told you to do for once in your goddamn lives. 1224 01:07:12,208 --> 01:07:14,000 -I changed my mind. 1225 01:07:14,000 --> 01:07:16,583 Christmas is all about 1226 01:07:16,583 --> 01:07:19,708 singing Christmas songs. 1227 01:07:19,708 --> 01:07:22,208 -What? I-I've never heard of this before. 1228 01:07:22,208 --> 01:07:23,625 -I knew that was coming. 1229 01:07:23,625 --> 01:07:27,208 -But we gotta do it tonight. 1230 01:07:27,208 --> 01:07:28,833 -I'll go start the fire. 1231 01:07:28,833 --> 01:07:31,500 - No! - Okay. 1232 01:07:31,500 --> 01:07:35,125 -If there's one thing this family can agree on, 1233 01:07:35,125 --> 01:07:37,000 it's that Toto's "Hold the Line" 1234 01:07:37,000 --> 01:07:39,625 is the greatest song of all time. 1235 01:08:01,250 --> 01:08:06,208 -♪ It's not in the way that you hold me ♪ 1236 01:08:06,208 --> 01:08:11,125 ♪ It's not in the way you say you care ♪ 1237 01:08:11,125 --> 01:08:16,333 ♪ It's not in the way you've been treating my friends ♪ 1238 01:08:16,333 --> 01:08:21,208 ♪ It's not in the way that you'll stay till the end ♪ 1239 01:08:21,208 --> 01:08:23,375 -♪ It's not in the way that you look ♪ 1240 01:08:23,375 --> 01:08:25,625 ♪ Or the things that you say that you'll do ♪ 1241 01:08:25,625 --> 01:08:27,458 -♪ Hold the line ♪ 1242 01:08:29,125 --> 01:08:32,500 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1243 01:08:32,500 --> 01:08:35,250 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1244 01:08:35,250 --> 01:08:38,958 ♪ Hold the line ♪ 1245 01:08:38,958 --> 01:08:42,500 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1246 01:08:42,500 --> 01:08:46,208 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1247 01:08:46,208 --> 01:08:51,125 -♪ It's not in the words that you told me, girl ♪ 1248 01:08:51,125 --> 01:08:54,375 ♪ It's not in the way you say you're mine ♪ 1249 01:08:54,375 --> 01:08:56,250 -♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 1250 01:08:56,250 --> 01:09:01,208 -♪ It's not in the way that you came back to me ♪ 1251 01:09:01,208 --> 01:09:05,750 ♪ It's not in the way that your love set me free ♪ 1252 01:09:05,750 --> 01:09:08,250 -♪ It's not in the way that you look ♪ 1253 01:09:08,250 --> 01:09:10,375 ♪ Or the things that you say that you'll do ♪ 1254 01:09:10,375 --> 01:09:13,875 -♪ Hold the line ♪ 1255 01:09:13,875 --> 01:09:17,500 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1256 01:09:17,500 --> 01:09:20,208 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1257 01:09:20,208 --> 01:09:23,958 ♪ Hold the line ♪ 1258 01:09:23,958 --> 01:09:27,250 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1259 01:09:27,250 --> 01:09:30,625 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1260 01:09:50,500 --> 01:09:53,958 -♪ Hold the line ♪ 1261 01:09:53,958 --> 01:09:57,500 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1262 01:09:57,500 --> 01:10:00,083 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1263 01:10:00,083 --> 01:10:04,000 ♪ Hold the line ♪ 1264 01:10:04,000 --> 01:10:07,500 ♪ Love isn't always on time ♪ 1265 01:10:07,500 --> 01:10:10,375 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ 1266 01:10:10,375 --> 01:10:12,250 ♪ Hold the line ♪ 1267 01:10:17,833 --> 01:10:20,875 -Will you please shut the fuck up?! 1268 01:10:20,875 --> 01:10:23,708 -Merry Christmas to you, too... 1269 01:10:23,708 --> 01:10:25,375 asshole! 1270 01:10:29,000 --> 01:10:31,083 Hey, look who's here. 1271 01:10:34,208 --> 01:10:36,708 -Nice job on guitar. -Thanks. 1272 01:10:36,708 --> 01:10:39,375 -You guys wanna...? 1273 01:10:40,875 --> 01:10:42,375 -Hey, yeah, sure. 1274 01:10:42,375 --> 01:10:44,125 -Yeah, but I gotta get some rolling papers 1275 01:10:44,125 --> 01:10:45,625 from the store first. 1276 01:10:45,625 --> 01:10:47,625 -Ooh, pick up some wine while you're at it. 1277 01:10:47,625 --> 01:10:49,208 -Mark, you want to come with? 1278 01:10:49,208 --> 01:10:52,000 -Duh! -Okay. 1279 01:11:10,750 --> 01:11:12,125 -Help! 1280 01:11:12,125 --> 01:11:14,458 My God. Help! 1281 01:11:17,000 --> 01:11:18,500 I told him that we shouldn't. 1282 01:11:18,500 --> 01:11:20,125 -Shouldn't what? 1283 01:11:20,125 --> 01:11:21,583 Fuck. 1284 01:11:21,583 --> 01:11:24,500 Come on. 1285 01:11:24,500 --> 01:11:26,958 Yes. Hello. My father collapsed. 1286 01:11:26,958 --> 01:11:28,875 -Yeah. I knew it was a bad idea. 1287 01:11:28,875 --> 01:11:30,583 That's what I'm trying to find out right now. 1288 01:11:30,583 --> 01:11:33,208 What happened? -We were trying something. 1289 01:11:33,208 --> 01:11:35,750 -W-Were you having sex? -I guess we were about to. 1290 01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:38,083 -Well, now isn't the time to -- to be shy. 1291 01:11:38,083 --> 01:11:40,000 Whatever it was, you gotta tell me. 1292 01:11:40,000 --> 01:11:42,458 What were you about to do? -The anal pile driver. 1293 01:11:42,458 --> 01:11:44,375 -On Christmas?! -He said that's what 1294 01:11:44,375 --> 01:11:45,875 the holidays were all about. 1295 01:11:45,875 --> 01:11:48,125 - My God! - And he really loves it. 1296 01:11:48,125 --> 01:11:49,458 -Okay, I got it. 1297 01:11:49,458 --> 01:11:51,500 -But it takes strength and finesse. 1298 01:11:51,500 --> 01:11:53,000 -Understood! Thank you! 1299 01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:54,875 -He used to be able to do all those things! 1300 01:11:54,875 --> 01:11:57,625 -Jesus Christ! Why are you still talking?! 1301 01:11:57,625 --> 01:12:00,875 Um, yeah, my father collapsed while he was having sex. 1302 01:12:00,875 --> 01:12:02,750 Please hurry. 1303 01:12:26,500 --> 01:12:29,375 -Awful habit. 1304 01:12:29,375 --> 01:12:33,333 I always bite my nails when I'm nervous. 1305 01:12:33,333 --> 01:12:36,625 Wh-What do you do to cope with stress? 1306 01:12:36,625 --> 01:12:40,000 -I don't know. I, um, get high. 1307 01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:42,708 Then I get drunk and... 1308 01:12:42,708 --> 01:12:44,458 then take a Xanax. 1309 01:12:44,458 --> 01:12:47,875 Repeat the cycle until I feel better or I pass out. 1310 01:12:49,875 --> 01:12:52,583 -Well... 1311 01:12:52,583 --> 01:12:57,000 I-I guess everyone has their own little quirks. 1312 01:12:57,000 --> 01:13:00,000 -What happened?! 1313 01:13:00,000 --> 01:13:03,625 -So Dad had liver failure. 1314 01:13:03,625 --> 01:13:06,750 -Those fucking beers. 1315 01:13:06,750 --> 01:13:09,625 -Mark, I need to talk to you about something, okay? 1316 01:13:09,625 --> 01:13:11,000 -Okay. 1317 01:13:11,000 --> 01:13:14,333 -Dad needs to have a blood transfusion. 1318 01:13:14,333 --> 01:13:16,000 -Okay. 1319 01:13:16,000 --> 01:13:19,375 -And they don't have the right kind of blood for him 1320 01:13:19,375 --> 01:13:22,250 right now at the hospital. Do you understand? 1321 01:13:22,250 --> 01:13:24,958 -Yeah. -But you actually have 1322 01:13:24,958 --> 01:13:28,833 the right kind of blood to be able to give some to Dad. 1323 01:13:28,833 --> 01:13:31,625 -Okay. -So would you be okay 1324 01:13:31,625 --> 01:13:34,708 if the doctors took some of your blood 1325 01:13:34,708 --> 01:13:36,125 and then gave it to him? 1326 01:13:36,125 --> 01:13:39,083 -Okay, I can do it. 1327 01:13:39,083 --> 01:13:40,750 -Don't worry. It won't hurt at all. 1328 01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:43,000 -Okay. I'm gonna find the doctor and let her know. 1329 01:13:43,000 --> 01:13:45,250 -Michelle? -Yeah? 1330 01:13:45,250 --> 01:13:48,500 -After I give my blood to Dad... 1331 01:13:48,500 --> 01:13:50,958 -Yeah? 1332 01:13:50,958 --> 01:13:54,250 -...how long until I die? 1333 01:13:58,958 --> 01:14:01,333 -About 15 minutes. -What? 1334 01:14:01,333 --> 01:14:03,000 No, she's just joking! 1335 01:14:03,000 --> 01:14:05,500 You don't die after giving your blood. 1336 01:14:05,500 --> 01:14:07,000 -That's good. 1337 01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:09,500 -You would have done it without question. 1338 01:14:09,500 --> 01:14:12,375 You're the bravest of all of us. You know that? 1339 01:14:17,250 --> 01:14:20,583 All right, enough of the Hallmark Channel moment. 1340 01:14:20,583 --> 01:14:23,250 I'm gonna go see if I can find the doctor. 1341 01:14:29,500 --> 01:14:31,500 -I'm sorry. 1342 01:14:37,875 --> 01:14:40,250 -Don't fucking apologize. 1343 01:14:43,208 --> 01:14:46,875 -Goddamn it, Dad. 1344 01:14:46,875 --> 01:14:49,708 -There is someone here who can help you with handling -- 1345 01:14:49,708 --> 01:14:52,375 -I'm not in charge here. 1346 01:14:52,375 --> 01:14:56,750 We gotta get out of here. 1347 01:15:31,708 --> 01:15:34,250 I said I don't want to talk about it right now. 1348 01:15:34,250 --> 01:15:35,583 -You can't do that with every 1349 01:15:35,583 --> 01:15:37,500 serious conversation that comes up. 1350 01:15:37,500 --> 01:15:39,125 -Yeah, well, sorry. 1351 01:15:39,125 --> 01:15:42,500 I've got a career that I've had for awhile now, 1352 01:15:42,500 --> 01:15:44,083 and it's important to me. 1353 01:15:44,083 --> 01:15:46,625 You just love to just drop in and drop out 1354 01:15:46,625 --> 01:15:48,375 whenever you want, and the rest of us 1355 01:15:48,375 --> 01:15:49,958 have to stay here and clean up. 1356 01:15:49,958 --> 01:15:51,750 -Do we have to figure it out right now? 1357 01:15:51,750 --> 01:15:54,000 -Yes! Someone has to start taking care of him 1358 01:15:54,000 --> 01:15:56,375 right a-fucking-way, so I don't see how this can wait. 1359 01:15:56,375 --> 01:15:58,750 -Okay, well, we'll sell the house, 1360 01:15:58,750 --> 01:16:00,625 and then you can use the money to figure out -- 1361 01:16:00,625 --> 01:16:02,875 -It's not about the money! 1362 01:16:02,875 --> 01:16:06,333 It's about the work! It's about showing up! 1363 01:16:06,333 --> 01:16:07,875 -What am I supposed to do? 1364 01:16:07,875 --> 01:16:11,625 Get some fucking lame job that I hate, like you? 1365 01:16:14,125 --> 01:16:16,083 You are so selfish. 1366 01:16:16,083 --> 01:16:18,000 -I didn't have kids for a reason. 1367 01:16:18,000 --> 01:16:19,458 Okay? I-I can't take him. 1368 01:16:19,458 --> 01:16:21,625 I just -- I-I can't take the responsibility. 1369 01:16:21,625 --> 01:16:24,208 -No, you didn't have a kid because you were scared 1370 01:16:24,208 --> 01:16:28,000 of having a kid with a disability. 1371 01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,250 -I'm sorry that I wanted to do something else 1372 01:16:31,250 --> 01:16:33,583 with my life other than be a caretaker. 1373 01:16:33,583 --> 01:16:35,875 -I've been taking care of everything since forever! 1374 01:16:35,875 --> 01:16:39,833 And no one has ever asked me what I wanted, you know? 1375 01:16:39,833 --> 01:16:41,500 -You knew this was part of the deal. 1376 01:16:41,500 --> 01:16:44,333 -No, you knew this was part of the deal. 1377 01:16:44,333 --> 01:16:48,333 I've been trying to talk to you about it all week. 1378 01:16:48,333 --> 01:16:50,583 You do your jokes. 1379 01:16:53,458 --> 01:16:55,625 Well, I can't believe you won't take him. 1380 01:16:55,625 --> 01:16:57,500 -I can't believe you won't. 1381 01:16:57,500 --> 01:17:00,500 -Well, then I guess he's just gonna live on the street. 1382 01:17:00,500 --> 01:17:02,083 -Nice. -Okay, so make sure that 1383 01:17:02,083 --> 01:17:03,583 you give him some food when you see him 1384 01:17:03,583 --> 01:17:06,000 pushing his shopping cart down the alley. 1385 01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:07,333 You know what? 1386 01:17:07,333 --> 01:17:09,458 Come to think of it, never mind. 1387 01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:11,250 Because I doubt that he could even 1388 01:17:11,250 --> 01:17:13,250 figure out how to do that. 1389 01:17:15,125 --> 01:17:18,125 Mark. Fuck. 1390 01:17:18,125 --> 01:17:20,250 -She was just joking. She's not -- 1391 01:17:20,250 --> 01:17:21,875 She doesn't mean it. 1392 01:17:24,625 --> 01:17:25,875 Good one. 1393 01:17:25,875 --> 01:17:28,083 Shut the fuck up. 1394 01:17:55,875 --> 01:17:58,125 Please leave a message. 1395 01:18:00,250 --> 01:18:02,125 -Hey, it's me. 1396 01:18:04,250 --> 01:18:07,125 We need your help. 1397 01:18:43,000 --> 01:18:44,833 Shit! 1398 01:18:58,125 --> 01:19:01,083 O...kay. 1399 01:19:04,458 --> 01:19:06,375 -They got burned. 1400 01:19:06,375 --> 01:19:08,083 -That's okay. 1401 01:19:16,625 --> 01:19:18,625 I was making breakfast. 1402 01:19:18,625 --> 01:19:22,875 -I know, bud. It's okay. 1403 01:19:22,875 --> 01:19:24,500 -What the hell? 1404 01:19:24,500 --> 01:19:26,125 -We're gonna have a non-traditional breakfast 1405 01:19:26,125 --> 01:19:28,625 this year. 1406 01:19:43,750 --> 01:19:48,333 Look, last night was straight garbage. 1407 01:19:48,333 --> 01:19:50,458 We didn't mean any of it. 1408 01:19:50,458 --> 01:19:52,625 -It's okay. 1409 01:19:52,625 --> 01:19:54,708 -No, it's not okay. 1410 01:19:54,708 --> 01:19:56,375 We suck. 1411 01:19:56,375 --> 01:20:00,750 We're just...sad. 1412 01:20:00,750 --> 01:20:01,750 You know? 1413 01:20:01,750 --> 01:20:03,500 -It's okay. 1414 01:20:07,625 --> 01:20:10,000 -We gotta have each other's backs from now on. 1415 01:20:10,000 --> 01:20:13,958 So I don't want any more bullshit out of anyone. 1416 01:20:13,958 --> 01:20:15,875 And that includes me. 1417 01:20:25,000 --> 01:20:26,375 -We should do presents. 1418 01:20:26,375 --> 01:20:28,583 Well, let's see what Santa got us. 1419 01:20:28,583 --> 01:20:30,875 Michelle. 1420 01:20:30,875 --> 01:20:32,500 Mark. 1421 01:20:37,583 --> 01:20:39,375 -Cool. 1422 01:20:39,375 --> 01:20:41,125 Thanks, Dad. 1423 01:20:41,125 --> 01:20:44,750 -Great. Now all I need is a gun, and I'm all set. 1424 01:20:44,750 --> 01:20:46,208 -Yes! 1425 01:20:46,208 --> 01:20:49,375 This is a good one. 1426 01:20:49,375 --> 01:20:53,250 "Dick! The Halls: Volume Seven." 1427 01:20:58,458 --> 01:21:00,250 My God, Shell, look. 1428 01:21:09,750 --> 01:21:11,833 -Holy shit. 1429 01:21:11,833 --> 01:21:15,750 -It's Dad. You know it's Dad. 1430 01:21:15,750 --> 01:21:18,625 He finally got it to snow for us. 1431 01:21:23,083 --> 01:21:24,833 We hear you, Dad. 1432 01:21:24,833 --> 01:21:28,750 -Um...I don't think so. 1433 01:21:28,750 --> 01:21:31,375 That's not snow. 1434 01:21:36,375 --> 01:21:39,083 Holy shit. 1435 01:21:39,083 --> 01:21:40,500 -I'm calling 911. 1436 01:21:40,500 --> 01:21:41,875 -Wait. -What? 1437 01:21:41,875 --> 01:21:44,500 -What did Dad say Christmas was all about? 1438 01:21:44,500 --> 01:21:48,125 -Remembering shit he told us to do 1439 01:21:48,125 --> 01:21:51,500 for once in our goddamn lives. 1440 01:21:51,500 --> 01:21:55,500 -And what do we do in the event of a fire? 1441 01:23:16,125 --> 01:23:18,833 Wow. 1442 01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:27,458 -That was really cool. 1443 01:23:28,750 --> 01:23:31,875 I bet that's Sharon. 1444 01:23:31,875 --> 01:23:34,125 -Merry Christmas. 1445 01:23:34,125 --> 01:23:37,250 -Mom? -Hello. 1446 01:23:37,250 --> 01:23:39,375 I brought gifts. 1447 01:23:39,375 --> 01:23:42,750 Walmart gift card for Andrea. 1448 01:23:42,750 --> 01:23:45,375 For Mark. 1449 01:23:45,375 --> 01:23:47,375 You. 1450 01:23:47,375 --> 01:23:50,125 Now, who wants some of Mom's famous fruitcake? 1451 01:23:52,250 --> 01:23:55,083 Michelle called. She told me what happened. 1452 01:23:55,083 --> 01:23:57,125 But I don't want you to worry. 1453 01:23:57,125 --> 01:24:00,708 Everything is going to be okay. 1454 01:24:00,708 --> 01:24:03,083 Although it looks like I got here just in time. 1455 01:24:03,083 --> 01:24:05,625 -We had a rough couple days. Cut us some slack. 1456 01:24:05,625 --> 01:24:07,083 -Mark, be a darling. 1457 01:24:07,083 --> 01:24:08,750 Go to the car. Fetch my bag. 1458 01:24:08,750 --> 01:24:12,083 I'm moving in immediately to look after you. 1459 01:24:22,000 --> 01:24:24,375 -What about Rob the dentist? 1460 01:24:24,375 --> 01:24:27,000 This isn't exactly burgers in paradise. 1461 01:24:27,000 --> 01:24:28,875 -He's retired, so we thought we would move in here 1462 01:24:28,875 --> 01:24:31,625 for a while to look after Mark. 1463 01:24:31,625 --> 01:24:35,958 Unless either one of you are planning to take care of him. 1464 01:24:38,458 --> 01:24:40,250 Well, that's what I thought. 1465 01:24:51,958 --> 01:24:53,500 -I'll take him if he wants. 1466 01:24:53,500 --> 01:24:54,958 -So will I. 1467 01:24:58,333 --> 01:25:01,125 That's absurd. Neither of you are fit 1468 01:25:01,125 --> 01:25:04,000 to take care of a houseplant, even a cactus. 1469 01:25:04,000 --> 01:25:06,708 -Well, obviously, I'm gonna try harder 1470 01:25:06,708 --> 01:25:08,333 than I did with that cactus. 1471 01:25:08,333 --> 01:25:09,958 Hey, everybody. 1472 01:25:09,958 --> 01:25:12,000 Merry Christmas. 1473 01:25:12,000 --> 01:25:14,375 -Who the hell are you? -Mom, this is Sharon. 1474 01:25:14,375 --> 01:25:16,125 She's a p-- -No! 1475 01:25:18,833 --> 01:25:21,958 She is a sex worker. 1476 01:25:21,958 --> 01:25:23,500 -What? 1477 01:25:23,500 --> 01:25:27,625 -I was going to say she's a part of the family. 1478 01:25:27,625 --> 01:25:29,875 Shit. 1479 01:25:29,875 --> 01:25:32,375 -I can be both. -I can't believe this. 1480 01:25:32,375 --> 01:25:37,000 -Mark, I have a really important question to ask you, okay? 1481 01:25:37,000 --> 01:25:38,500 -Okay. 1482 01:25:38,500 --> 01:25:41,375 -Who do you want to be your legal guardian? 1483 01:25:43,000 --> 01:25:44,375 -Um... 1484 01:25:51,250 --> 01:25:52,583 Groot. 1485 01:25:52,583 --> 01:25:54,375 -No, man. Not "Guardians of the Galaxy." 1486 01:25:54,375 --> 01:25:56,750 Like, who do you want to live with? 1487 01:26:00,333 --> 01:26:03,000 You. 1488 01:26:03,000 --> 01:26:05,833 -Okay. Go get your stuff. 1489 01:26:05,833 --> 01:26:07,125 -This is outrageous. 1490 01:26:07,125 --> 01:26:09,083 He should be living here with me. 1491 01:26:09,083 --> 01:26:10,958 -Well, we're selling the house, so... 1492 01:26:10,958 --> 01:26:12,958 -W-W-W-What? -No matter how good 1493 01:26:12,958 --> 01:26:14,625 your intentions are, at some point, 1494 01:26:14,625 --> 01:26:16,125 people need to be able to make decisions for themselves 1495 01:26:16,125 --> 01:26:18,875 about what their life's gonna be. 1496 01:26:18,875 --> 01:26:22,708 -We're never coming home, right? 1497 01:26:22,708 --> 01:26:25,083 -Right. 1498 01:26:25,083 --> 01:26:27,458 Mom, this is happening. 1499 01:26:27,458 --> 01:26:31,125 Tell Rob I said Merry Christmas and to have a margarita for me. 1500 01:26:31,125 --> 01:26:33,375 -You can tell him yourself. He's in the car. 1501 01:26:33,375 --> 01:26:36,125 -You've been in here for like an hour and a half. 1502 01:26:36,125 --> 01:26:38,375 -Rob, we're going back to Florida! 1503 01:26:38,375 --> 01:26:41,625 Come in here and help me pack up this damn cake! 1504 01:26:45,583 --> 01:26:47,625 -Hey. 1505 01:26:47,625 --> 01:26:49,500 Can I come along, too? 1506 01:26:50,750 --> 01:26:52,458 Obviously. 1507 01:26:52,458 --> 01:26:54,625 Come on. 1508 01:26:54,625 --> 01:26:57,125 -Hey! 1509 01:26:57,125 --> 01:26:59,125 I wanted to give you this. 1510 01:27:01,000 --> 01:27:04,458 -Thank you. 1511 01:27:04,458 --> 01:27:05,875 Hey, Rob. 1512 01:27:05,875 --> 01:27:07,000 -Hey, Michelle. 1513 01:27:07,000 --> 01:27:09,125 You can have these if you want. 1514 01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:14,375 One of the bulbs is burnt out, so the whole strand is no good. 1515 01:27:14,375 --> 01:27:16,458 -That's not how it works anymore. 1516 01:27:16,458 --> 01:27:19,750 Live and learn. 1517 01:27:22,083 --> 01:27:25,125 -Hey, what the hell is all of this? 1518 01:27:25,125 --> 01:27:27,375 -We're leaving, Larry. For good. 1519 01:27:27,375 --> 01:27:28,875 -For good? 1520 01:27:28,875 --> 01:27:31,250 -I'll never forget you. 1521 01:27:31,250 --> 01:27:33,333 Farewell. 1522 01:27:52,875 --> 01:27:55,875 -So where are we going? 1523 01:28:00,208 --> 01:28:02,083 You know... 1524 01:28:02,083 --> 01:28:04,375 that's a good question. 1525 01:28:27,875 --> 01:28:29,875 -Who am I without you? 1526 01:28:33,000 --> 01:28:34,875 I don't know that man. 1527 01:28:46,000 --> 01:28:47,708 -And so then I looked at him and I said, 1528 01:28:47,708 --> 01:28:50,625 "That sounds like a weak goal to me." 1529 01:28:50,625 --> 01:28:52,625 That's what I said. 1530 01:28:52,625 --> 01:28:54,625 Thank you so much. You guys have been great. 1531 01:28:54,625 --> 01:28:56,250 Good night, Atlanta! 1532 01:28:58,958 --> 01:29:00,833 -Let's keep it going for my favorite comedian 1533 01:29:00,833 --> 01:29:04,250 and least favorite roommate, Michelle Van de Shall! 1534 01:29:04,250 --> 01:29:06,875 Her run of the show just got extended by another week, 1535 01:29:06,875 --> 01:29:09,000 so if you had fun tonight, tell a friend. 1536 01:29:09,000 --> 01:29:12,583 And if you didn't, nobody gives a shit what you think. 1537 01:29:12,583 --> 01:29:13,750 -Ooh! -Hey. 1538 01:29:13,750 --> 01:29:15,875 We ran right on time tonight, 1539 01:29:15,875 --> 01:29:17,333 even with intermission running long. 1540 01:29:17,333 --> 01:29:19,708 -I told you you're not the stage manager. 1541 01:29:19,708 --> 01:29:21,000 You can't be back here. 1542 01:29:21,000 --> 01:29:23,083 -Copy that. Standing by. 1543 01:29:23,083 --> 01:29:26,250 Sharon, I'm gonna need all the glow tape back. It's mine. 1544 01:29:26,250 --> 01:29:27,750 -I think she's jealous of your job. 1545 01:29:27,750 --> 01:29:31,375 -Merch sales were retarded tonight. 1546 01:29:31,375 --> 01:29:33,333 -What the fuck did I tell you about saying that? 1547 01:29:33,333 --> 01:29:36,250 I'm taking the word back. 1548 01:29:36,250 --> 01:29:38,875 I mean...power to you, man. 1549 01:29:38,875 --> 01:29:42,625 -And there's a group from Special Olympics here. 1550 01:29:42,625 --> 01:29:44,708 So if you don't mind, 1551 01:29:44,708 --> 01:29:47,625 I'm gonna go mingle with some ladies. 1552 01:29:47,625 --> 01:29:50,333 -Very cool. Enjoy. 1553 01:29:50,333 --> 01:29:52,750 -I will. 1554 01:29:52,750 --> 01:29:55,250 You know it, Shelly. 1555 01:30:20,000 --> 01:30:24,875 -Hey, Anj. Wait up! 1556 01:30:40,708 --> 01:30:43,375 -♪ Every year reluctantly 1557 01:30:43,375 --> 01:30:45,875 ♪ We hang the lights and trim the tree ♪ 1558 01:30:45,875 --> 01:30:50,375 ♪ Just another Christmastime ♪ 1559 01:30:50,375 --> 01:30:53,208 ♪ Unpacking all the winter clothes ♪ 1560 01:30:53,208 --> 01:30:55,833 ♪ While cold wind seeps through old windows ♪ 1561 01:30:55,833 --> 01:30:59,583 ♪ Just another Christmastime ♪ 1562 01:31:00,500 --> 01:31:05,833 ♪ But soon we find the house filled with the scent of pine ♪ 1563 01:31:05,833 --> 01:31:10,875 ♪ And it reminds us of a simpler time ♪ 1564 01:31:10,875 --> 01:31:15,083 ♪ Of a simpler time ♪ 1565 01:31:15,875 --> 01:31:20,750 ♪ Gone away till holidays ♪ 1566 01:31:20,750 --> 01:31:26,250 ♪ Bring back old friends and family ♪ 1567 01:31:26,250 --> 01:31:30,708 ♪ We revel in the old clichés ♪ 1568 01:31:30,708 --> 01:31:37,125 ♪ All on Christmas, all on Christmas Day ♪ 1569 01:31:51,000 --> 01:31:53,500 ♪ Every year about this time ♪ 1570 01:31:53,500 --> 01:31:56,083 ♪ We hear the melodies and rhymes ♪ 1571 01:31:56,083 --> 01:31:59,375 ♪ Of a million Christmas songs ♪ 1572 01:32:00,833 --> 01:32:03,500 ♪ So we dust off the old guitars ♪ 1573 01:32:03,500 --> 01:32:05,875 ♪ Start to hum a couple bars ♪ 1574 01:32:05,875 --> 01:32:09,125 ♪ Of another Christmas song ♪ 1575 01:32:10,708 --> 01:32:15,750 ♪ And then we go into our bustling studio ♪ 1576 01:32:15,750 --> 01:32:20,750 ♪ Where we recall the meaning of it all ♪ 1577 01:32:20,750 --> 01:32:25,875 ♪ The meaning of it all ♪ 1578 01:32:25,875 --> 01:32:30,583 ♪ Gone away till holidays ♪ 1579 01:32:30,583 --> 01:32:36,125 ♪ Bring back old friends and family ♪ 1580 01:32:36,125 --> 01:32:40,708 ♪ To revel in the old clichés ♪ 1581 01:32:40,708 --> 01:32:46,250 ♪ On Christmas, on Christmas ♪ 1582 01:32:46,250 --> 01:32:50,833 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 1583 01:32:55,958 --> 01:32:58,750 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 1584 01:33:00,875 --> 01:33:03,458 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 1585 01:33:05,750 --> 01:33:08,583 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 1586 01:33:11,000 --> 01:33:14,083 ♪ On Christmas Day ♪ 106392