Original subtitles

(eerie music)

- [Narrator] For years, man has lived with the thought

that he was all powerful in the universe.

That nothing could stop his chauvinistic ways,

but he is about to find out

that he is but a tiny spermule

in the giant gene pool known as outer space

space space space space.

(eerie music)

(dramatic music)

- [Announcer] Ship number one, Nina, prepare for launch.

(dramatic music)

- [Woman] Gas drive engaged.

(dramatic music)

- [Announcer] Ship number two, Pinta, set for launch.

(dramatic music)

Ship number three, Santa Maria, you're upside down.

(horn plays melody)

(dramatic music)

(eerie music)

(instruments beeping)

- [Announcer] Harry Perry Testes, line two please.

Harry Perry Testes, line two.

- [Announcer] Bitoff Oliver Nipples, line one.

- [Announcer] Whobityour Kakov, line five please.

- [Narrator] Get an edge, at DeVry.

(machines whirring, beeping)

(suspenseful music)

(instrument panel beeping)

(soothing music)

(rock music)

- [Woman] Hey, what do you think

these Earthlings will look like?

- What I want them to look like is

lots of muscles, piercing eyes,

hairless, cheekbones, and a big...

What about you Lu?

- He's gotta be smart, a scientist.

Concerned with the environment.

He's gotta be handsome, trim.

What about you Xena?

- Well, he's gotta be artistic,

sensitive, passionate.

He's gotta speak native languages.

Definitely has to be well traveled.

How far away do you think we are?

- Hm, about five light years.

- That's all?

It's practically right around the corner.

(brakes squeal)

(horn plays melody)

- Lock the beam of the directional grid

into the hyperdrive system.

(ominous music)

- Oh no.

(ominous music)

(instrument panel beeping)

- Engines won't reverse, I can't pull out!

- We're going down!

(intense music)

- Oh my god. - What do we do?

- Oh my god.

(Xena screams)

(intense music)

(rock music)

- Did you see that?

- What, the light?

Probably a plane or something.

- It was not a plane.

- Dave, no, do not start with that UFO stuff again man.

It's too kooky!

- That was a UFO.

(man chuckles) - Yeah.

I'd like to be abducted by alien space babes

and have close encounters of the 69 kind.

- Got a total preoccupation with sex.

(ominous music)

- Peaches? - Huh?

- You ever see a flying saucer?

- No, I've seen a couple flying plates in my time.

- No, this is serious.

UFOs.

I read about 'em in The Enquirer.

They always attack people on deserted roads, like this one.

- Oh get outta here.

- No really, like this one lady,

what was her name?

Oh anyway, she was traveling all by herself.

This flying saucer landed, and it made her car stop

right in the middle of the road.

These Martians scooped her up inside the flying saucer,

and they had this machine.

It took off all her clothes.

Martians actually saw her naked!

I mean can you believe that?

- Oh come on Lulu, I mean that's a bunch of hooey.

- No it's true.

Boy, if a Martian ever saw me naked, I'd freak.

(crowd cheering)

(upbeat music)

- [Worker] Eh, I see your sleigh bell

and I'll raise you a cookie.

- I fold. - I fold too.

- [Worker] I like to watch.

- [Worker] Let's see naughty, nice.

Timmy was nice, Susie was naughty.

- Hey look everybody I'm a train!

Chugga chugga chugga choo choo!

Hey hey Hermey I want to talk to you.

Have you cleaned up your workshop yet?

The big guy's gonna tour the whole shop,

and he wants it sugar plum fresh.

Keep smiling!

- It was fine when I left it.

(upbeat music)

- You can't let them down, keep smiling!

- I don't want to be an elf.

I want to be a dentist.

- A penis?

(suspenseful music)

- [Announcer] And it looks like

the fog's gonna hang in there most of the night,

so be careful out on the road.

Now on a humorous note, a woman on Grovers Mill Drive

just called in to report an unidentified flying object.

She claims it hovered over her garage for several minutes

and made a sound like a hairdryer, only louder.

Well folks, I guess we should be

watching the skies for that one.

I'm Burt Rawlson for AKH News.

(suspenseful music)

(radio crackles)

(UFO whirring)

(tires squeal)

(man screams)

(rock music)

♪ Chain chain the hurricane ♪

(phone rings) ♪ Chain chain the hurricane ♪

- [Announcer] Let's take some calls

on our national phone lines.

You're on Superstation 66.

- Yeah, this is Peanut again.

Listen this might sound a little kooky

but there's two truckers in here

that swear they saw a flying saucer

circling over Bahuda tonight.

- [Announcer] The entire populace of Bahuda

is out there tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

We got truckers seeing UFOs.

(audience laughs)

Bonnie's boyfriend,

the entire Bahuda football team saw a UFO.

(audience laughs)

- Oh my lord, what have you gone nuts?

- [Announcer] But it doesn't surprise me in the least

because I always knew that the first place

that visitors from another planet

would want to hit when they finally got to Earth

would be, Bahuda!

Home of Superstation 66!

66, 66, 66!

(explosions booming) (electricity crackling)

(phones ring)

(intense music)

66, 66!

- Okay, I got it!

- Right now here's Katrinka Shinkelobab

with world news update.

- The rush of UFO sightings in California

is due to weather balloons,

according to US Department of Defense.

- We'll be bringing you that interview in full

in just a little while.

Once again, this is Debbie Dalverson

coming to you from WRPT, here in Newark

bringing you the latest in that terrifying story

on the West Coast.

(TV crackles)

- [Narrator] Tonight, on a very special episode of Joe.

Joe contributes to the delinquency of minors.

- All right, all right, get your brewskis here!

- [Narrator] And the results are tragic.

(glass tinkling)

- You're telling us that you murdered six nuns and a priest?

- I was young, I didn't want to be tied down.

Now I'm kind of having second thoughts.

- [Narrator] Can Joe find the strength

to comfort those who mourn with a special kind of warmth?

With special guest stars Christopher Lee,

and the nuns of Saint Mary.

Don't miss this very special episode of Joe.

(emotional music)

- [Narrator] Meanwhile as the bimbo ship

hovers over Los Angeles, the vile general Bearded Clam

goes to inspect their newest captive,

the perfect specimen of man.

(ominous music)

♪ I'm a happy penis ♪

♪ I'm a happy penis ♪

Oh, why hello Mrs. Goodman, how are you today?

Oh what have you got there?

(man screaming)

I won't hurt it!

- You should have warned me.

It's a shock.

- I'm sorry, I thought you'd be pleased.

- I am pleased.

Very pleased.

Thank you.

(siren wails)

(instrument panel beeps)

- [Announcer] All bimbos please report to your launch pads.

(speaks foreign language)

(ominous music)

(screen beeping)

(intense music)

- Damn.

(man groans)

Man you've been in there for three hours!

What'd you fall asleep in here?

(sultry music)

(intense music)

(ominous music)

- We're lost.

- No we're not.

Look!

- Down. - Yeah?

- I think we should head back.

We're getting in too deep.

- Ah the...

Wait a sec.

What's that I hear? (women laughing)

Sounds like women, laughing!

- Let's get outta here.

- Now now come on man, don't be such a coward.

Let's check this out!

(women laughing)

(water rushing)

Look at them.

They're beautiful!

Aren't they the most lovely,

sensuous inviting women you've ever seen?

- Let's get outta here.

- What are you nuts?

Look at them!

- They're dangerous.

- They don't look dangerous.

They look lonely.

- I'm getting outta here.

- Well I'm gonna go introduce myself.

Yoohoo, ladies!

Ladies!

(intense music)

(surf rock music)

♪ The sun goes down in the middle of the night ♪

♪ My bed goes what is fashion ♪

- Welcome to Jurassic Park, the ride!

♪ Disappear behind the dunes ♪

♪ Atomic burst of energy ♪

(jaunty tap music)

(sultry rock music)

(man yells)

- [Man] So, this is planet Houston.

- It's about time.

- Sorry.

- Hey what the fuck's going on?

- Didn't I hear you say biker meat

was good for little girls?

- Yeah so?

- Welcome to hunting season.

- Well-- - No!

(guns firing)

(rock music)

♪ Have you heard that story ♪

♪ Did you get the news ♪

(men chattering)

- [Man] Oh you girls are killing it!

- [Man] Oh baby!

- [Man] I'm dying a slow death here.

(men clamoring)

- [Man] Where you been all my life?

Goddamn!

(men clamoring)

- [Man] Gimme something girl!

- Oh no, a bimbo with a gun.

(guns firing)

(hands slapping)

(horn honks) (whistle trills)

(birds chirping)

- Hey baby, what do you want?

(sultry music)

- I hope you don't think I'm being too forward,

but I saw you from the street chopping wood,

and I couldn't help but notice your big, strong muscles.

- [Man] You're joking, right?

- No I'm not joking. - Okay.

This has got to be a joke.

This is one of those Candid Camera things, right?

With what's his name, Allen Hunt right?

- It's Allen Funt. - Yeah.

- No it's not.

I think you're really, really hot.

- Oh god.

Do that again.

- You like that? - Yeah.

- You got a really big ax.

- You think so?

- Mhmm.

- I got an even bigger tool than this.

- You do?

- Yeah.

Wanna see?

(gong dings)

- I'd love to see it. - Oh god.

Thank you god.

Come into my luxurious tool pile.

This very spot is where I take all my major conquests.

- This is a very romantic place.

You know I feel really lucky to be

with a hot stud like you.

- [Man] You know, all the girls they tell me,

they tell me I'm one hell of a kisser.

- [Woman] So why don't you try me out?

- Oh I'm about to.

Oh I knew you wanted it you--

- Sorry sweetheart.

- Hey what the fuck?

- Shut up.

- Hey, you know I got a lot of valuable wood here.

You can take it if you want.

- Down with his pants.

- That's not a bad idea.

- I want to do it.

- Hey it was my idea!

- I never get to do it.

- Diane, it is her turn. - Okay.

- [Man] Come on baby, no no.

What the hell, it's dark.

No no not the, no no guns.

Please don't, not my balls not--

(gun fires)

- [Narrator] No man was safe from the bimbos' attack,

and it inspired women of all ages

to take the law into their own hands.

(rock music)

(boy groaning)

- [Boy] Hey hey!

Stop it stop it, what are you doing?

You're hurting me, no!

(upbeat music)

(sirens wail)

(screen beeps)

- [Announcer] All bimbos prepare for main attack.

(speaks foreign language)

(upbeat music)

(explosions booming)

(upbeat music)

(siren wails)

- Hello, this is ah ah ah--

- Walter let me have that!

This is car one niner in hot pursuit of the killer bimbo.

Put it away, Walter.

- Yes sheriff.

(upbeat music)

(women squealing) (siren wails)

- Hey you bimbos, pull over!

(upbeat music)

- What the?

- I can't see anything, sheriff.

- They're trying to kill us, Walter.

Stick your head out the window!

(siren wails) - He's got a gun!

(siren wails)

(Eddie yells)

(dramatic music)

(explosion booms)

(upbeat music)

(explosion booms)

(women shrieking)

- Wait!

I know you, I know you!

You're the bimbos, where'd the gun go?

(explosion booms)

(upbeat music)

(gun fires)

- [Woman] Eat this fucker!

- There's one!

(monkey squeaks)

(upbeat music)

(explosion booms)

- Hello.

Aren't we blessed with such a beautiful afternoon?

(upbeat music)

(explosions boom)

- Surrounded by Satan!

(creatures roar)

(upbeat music)

(explosions boom)

(dinosaur roars)

(explosion booms)

- I don't know how much longer we'll be able to, ah!

- You have huevos, don't you?

(cymbals crash) (explosion booms)

(ominous music)

(birds chirping)

- [Reporter] Well we're just getting our power back on.

I'm sure as you know,

the Earth is in a total state of chaos.

Buildings have crumbled and cities destroyed.

Men everywhere are being carted off in droves.

One man who is still up and about

is our own correspondent, Evil Knievel, Evil?

- [Evil] Well Babs, I ain't seen a mess like this

since I looked in my drawers

after that there time I tried to

jump that fountain at Caesars.

- Hello, our subject today, violence.

Four young girls caught in a web of violence.

These four young girls,

call them teenage slasher sluts if you like.

I just did.

Their victims, men.

Call them slimeballs if you like, I will.

What is it that make these young women do what they do?

Why do they do it?

How do they do it?

Which one, what kind, and how many?

- [Narrator] One bimbo came out and declared to the people

that she was their new queen.

She would lead all women between the ages of 18

and 34 with big ol' floppy titties

to the salon and fortress that she had

set up in the Avocado Jungle.

There, women could learn proper hair and makeup techniques,

and how to take long showers together.

Mm, they would become the elite, the Piranha Women,

led by schoolmistress Camella Swales,

and General Bearded Clam.

The world literally turned upside down.

(tires squealing) (glass tinkling)

And the roles of men and women changed overnight.

- [Announcer] As the busters have enforced their own...

(birds chirping)

- [Narrator] Something had to be done, but by who?

- The idea of being socially conditioned as a sex object.

Wait until I tell the girls in the sorority.

- Bunny, I think you should take a few more classes

in women's studies before you decide to switch majors.

- But Dr. Hunt I know I want to be a liberated girl.

I can just feel it in my toes.

- It could be those pointy boots.

- Margo.

- Please, Dagwell.

- Dr. Hunt, these gentlemen

from the United States government would like to talk to you.

This is Mr. Fort Maddox, US Department of Agriculture,

and Colonel Mattel,

National Security Commission Avocado Affairs.

- Dr. Hunt, you may not realize this

but this is a map that my three year old son drew.

It has absolutely nothing to do with

what I need to talk to you about,

but I like to point at things while I talk.

It makes me look important.

- I'm aware of that.

What does it have to do with me?

- It has nothing to do with you, Dr. Hunt.

But his son also drew this diagram of an avocado.

You see, the kid's a genius.

He's a regular Picasso.

Doctor, obviously you've never felt the love

of a 10 year old boy, but I'm here to tell you

that it's a deep, warm, fuzzy kind of love.

- Easy colonel, he's my son. - Argh!

- Anyway, as I was saying, we've been able

to pinpoint the centralized location

of the main place where they tell everyone what to do.

The headquarters. - A very nice map.

- Anyone who goes near it is never heard from again.

- Why?

- That's a very dumb question, Bunny.

Maybe Dr. Hunt would like to explain the plot.

- The Piranha Women.

- Piranha Women, who are they?

- They're an ancient commune of feminists,

so radical, so militant, so left of center

they eat their men.

- Oh that, well if I like a guy you just--

- They don't eat their men like that, Bunny.

More like a black widow spider.

They have sex with their men, and they kill them.

Then they

tear them into strips like beef jerky

and eat them with guacamole.

- No one is safe anywhere near the bimbo lair.

- Well if they're that much trouble,

why don't you just send in the troops and round 'em up?

- Colonel Mattel?

- Oh shit, that's a really good idea.

We sent those circus clowns in instead huh?

We should have thought about that.

- And?

- They got whooped.

- They didn't play fair.

You see, our men weren't prepared.

They had those big shoes and baggy pants,

and the Piranha Women wouldn't laugh.

They just smeared their makeup and took their noses.

Well, look!

This is all we found of them.

- Dog tags?

- Look closer, they're covered in cotton candy.

- [Both] Ew.

- I'm sorry, the answer is still no.

- Oh I see.

You don't like his son's maps.

You don't like clowns.

Maybe you're working for them.

I bet you'd like it if the bimbos ruled the world

so you could see me in a dress

and laugh at my skinny legs.

In fact you're the bitch who probably ate my eye!

- Down boy, down! - Argh!

- Dr. Hunt is no bimbo.

Granted, she doesn't have the artistic ability of my son,

and clearly she hates clowns,

and no one is disputing that you look good in a dress.

But I digress.

Maybe there are other ways to convince Dr. Hunt

into going into the jungle,

like cutting off this school's funding

and covering her with chocolate pudding

and making her wrestle with Bill Cosby, your move.

- Now, now, now gentlemen.

I will not tolerate tactics of this kind.

This university is a bastion of intellectual freedom

and I am sworn to protect that freedom.

I will not tolerate my professors

being coerced into anything against their will.

No matter how much political pressure

is put on me personally.

Margo, you will do exactly as they tell you,

or I will cut your funding off

and you can kiss your tenure goodbye.

Comprehendo?

- Mhmm.

- The real question here, is whether or not

this project is worthy of Spritzer College's involvement.

What do you say doc?

- Guess I'm going in the jungle.

- That's terrific, nice seeing you.

- Thanks for the blowjob, dean.

- Oh anytime.

- Mr. Maddox, there's something you're not telling me.

- I was young and needed the money.

- You don't expect me to believe I'm the first feminist

you sent in to try and reason with the Piranha Women.

What's really going on in that jungle?

- We found something out about the queen bimbo.

We found out that she's not a bimbo at all.

She's actually a human, Dr. Kurtz.

- Dr. Kurtz?

Internationally famous author

of Smart Women Stupid Insensitive Men?

- Yes.

- That explains her sudden disappearance

from the talk show circuit.

What happened to her?

- We don't exactly know.

She may have tried to call us, but the phone's been broken.

But that's not your problem.

We think that she may have been cloned, or worse.

Well, I guess now that you know,

you'll refuse to go.

- Quite the contrary.

Now I know I must go.

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, some of the bimbos

decided to study their male captives.

- These are very interesting specimens of Batonians.

- What are they doing?

- Ingesting nutrients and doing some sort of mating rituals.

(gong rings)

- They're not the most graceful bunch.

(women laugh)

- [Narrator] Others decided

to explore their new home planet.

- It's quiet!

It's too quiet.

I don't like it.

Is your back still hurting?

- Yeah, I must have jarred something in the crash.

- Well, only one way to cure that.

(lively polka music)

♪ Everybody polka ♪

♪ I'm just a young man I haven't a wife ♪

♪ A farm in the hills ♪

♪ Can be a lonely life ♪

♪ But then one night ♪

♪ Came knocking at my door ♪

♪ And I will never be lonely anymore ♪

♪ There was an old lady ♪

♪ As sweet as could be ♪

♪ She told me she had some goodies for me ♪

♪ She took off her coat ♪

♪ And showed me her treat ♪

♪ A great big strudel ♪

♪ All that I could eat ♪

♪ Bite after bite eating strudel through the night ♪

♪ The old lady smiled with joy ♪

♪ She savored every morsel ♪

♪ Until the morning light ♪

♪ Oh how the lady loves to feed her boy ♪

♪ She's a ♪

(singer yodeling)

(cymbals crash)

♪ Loves to feed me strudel all night long ♪

(sultry rock music)

- I don't suppose you could repeat any of today's lesson

back to the class.

I don't think your corporate sponsors

would be happy knowing that you were

having thoughts of sex and lust.

(class oohs)

You know that all carnal activities are against the law.

Even thinking about it is a crime.

- Yes, I know sir.

I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to say.

- No?

Well maybe you'll be able to speak more freely after class.

- Nice going.

- Won't you join us as well, Naldo?

- Why?

- [Instructor] You too, Rena.

- Well wait a minute.

What did I do?

- [Announcer] Classes have ended.

(people chattering) - That's just great.

- [Announcer] Attention, attention.

- Thanks a lot for getting me into trouble.

- I'm sorry.

(suspenseful music)

(Rena gasps) - Look out!

- Holy shit, Professor Dorn!

(dramatic music)

(electricity crackling)

- All right, listen up you test tube twerps.

I've got a lot to say and a short time to say it

so sit down, shut up, and listen.

Yeah kids, I'm a rebel.

Yes, out to destroy the world,

just like big brother warned you.

Now here's the truth.

This country you live in was a democracy 25 years ago.

- You mean sex wasn't against the law back then?

- No way!

An uptight bitch named Camella Swales

started the movement.

- Are you saying that people didn't

always come from test tubes?

- That's right.

I had a mummy and daddy who raised me from birth.

- Oh, what's a mommy and daddy?

- Now, you break in to the crypt

and I come out of the coffin.

- [Robot] The usage of light

could adversely affect your credit rating.

- Take this.

This will lead you to the archives under the building.

Centuries of knowledge has been stored down there.

You'll find everything you want that will help you.

Now get out of sight.

(suspenseful music)

(electricity crackling)

- Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

Do not pull down on the safety bar.

No flash photography.

It's a small world after all.

- Caution, that is an unauthorized firearm improper--

- Let go of me you android sons of bitches.

- Thank you for your cooperation.

- The future's in your hands.

If you don't do something soon,

there won't be anybody left who can.

Hurry up, before it's too late!

- This is for your own good.

- Have those filing cabinets I ordered come in yet?

- No, I've had them on back order for two weeks.

- Hm, never mind.

I'm going to do some field research

and I need some supplies.

Okay, three legal size pads.

10 manila envelopes.

Dictaphone recorder.

And four one hour tapes.

I'll need a Bowie knife, first aid kit.

100 feet of nylon mountain climbing rope.

Breach loading revolver, and holster.

(dramatic music)

A thousand rounds of ammunition.

- Full metal jacket, hollow point, or teflon coated?

- Which do you think would be best

for fighting the dangers that lurk

inside a hostile jungle environment?

- I would alternate hollow

and teflon bullets in the chamber.

That way, you have maximum stopping power,

but still armor piercing capability.

(soothing music)

- [Narrator] Not all of the bimbos

agreed with the queen's evil plans.

Some of them liked the boys, and in fact befriended them.

Those women were clasped in chains,

and were forced to work in hard labor camps

where they had to watch the queen's favorite show.

(gentle piano music)

- [Narrator] Tonight, on Joe.

Joe gets up the courage to ask his landlady out on a date,

but gets turned down.

- I got a...

I...

I got a date at the Tropicana.

- [Narrator] I never saw something so tragic.

(gentle piano music)

Can Joe find comfort in the arms of another?

With special guest stars Burt Ward and James Hong.

Don't miss this very special episode of Joe.

- [Narrator] Those with stronger wills

were forced to endure unspeakable and unorthodox torture.

(woman sobbing) - No!

- [Narrator] Supervised by the queen's own sister,

the transsexual Zed.

Some even tried to escape into the dark jungle.

(suspenseful music)

If caught, they were put through

the worst kind of torture imaginable.

Yet another musical number.

♪ Such a novel thing to see ♪

♪ When he is gunning for you ♪

♪ And he is gunning for me ♪

♪ They keep gnashing ♪

♪ We keep dashing ♪

♪ We really beat him daddy ate to the bone ♪

♪ Woo daddy ♪

♪ We're gonna tan your hide 'til it's brown ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo daddy ♪

♪ We'll turn you on so don't turn us down ♪

(jazz music)

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, Dr. Hunt

makes her way down to Mexico.

Through Flagstaff, Arizona.

- Don't forget Winona.

Barstow. - Reno.

- San Bernardino.

♪ Get your kicks ♪

- A rough speck of civilization

on the edge of the Avocado belt.

We'll head down to some local establishments

and see if we can find a mercenary

to guide us to the jungle.

- I've never been to San Bernardino before.

- Don't worry Bunny.

We'll be all right.

(wind whistles)

(dramatic music)

(door creaks)

(men murmuring)

- Hey chickies, can I buy you a drink?

- No thanks.

- When I offer a chick a drink I ex--

- I am not a chick.

I'm an ethnohistorian

with a doctorate in cultural anthropology, got that?

- Yes doctor. - Good.

Now I understand that your compulsion

to assault women verbally stems from a constant exposure

to a violent and sexist images from a male dominated media.

Therefore, I won't blow a hole in your head.

- Thank you.

(men murmuring)

- I'm from the Department of Feminist Studies

at Spritzer College.

I want to hire a mercenary for a very dangerous job.

- So, what is your job?

- You want to burn down a small town?

- Or attack an impenetrable fortress?

- Or crush an army of enemies?

- I need a guy to take me through the Avocado Jungle.

- [All] The Avocado Jungle?

- I want to make contact with the Piranha Women.

- [All] The Piranha women?

- Ah, excuse me miss.

I've gotta to go to the Veteran Center for some counseling.

Maybe next time.

- I forgot, I'm busy.

There's a showing of The Seven Samurai

tonight at the Newark, and bye.

- Go on Nutrisystem, yeah.

Lose a little weight.

Jungle trip is out of the question right now.

- Well let that be a lesson to you, Bunny.

A bunch of violent brutes wrapped up

in a blanket of male machismo.

Well they're happy to victimize the helpless,

but one thing sends 'em scurrying away.

One thing strips their phony courage.

The threat of a strong woman.

- Not so fast, Dr. Margo Hunt.

Miss ethnohistorian.

There are still some real men left in this world.

Men who haven't been castrated

by the years of feminist propaganda

that corrupted the public school system,

infected prime time television.

Men who believe that nature designed women to cook,

nurture children, and pose in Penthouse Magazine.

Real men who see our role in this world

as to love, protect, and yes,

I'm not afraid to say it, dominate women.

I'll go into the Avocado Jungle with ya.

I'll lead you to the Piranha Women.

I'm man enough to face the dangers

that lurk in the dark bosom of the jungle.

Ha!

Ah!

(man yells) Ow!

- Oh, let's go Bunny.

- Wait, you said you needed a guide.

I'm the best.

- Well I've changed my mind.

We'll do without one.

- Fat chance.

You'll last 10 minutes in that jungle without me.

- I can take care of myself.

- Not in the Avocado Jungle, you can't.

You know what jungle herb

cures the poisonous bite of the river snake?

You know where the only land route is

around the white waters of death?

You know the way through the secret maze caves

that lie underneath Hangman's Cliff?

Huh, do ya?

- Well, no I don't.

Do you?

- Well no, but I have this paperback.

- I'll buy my own book. - It's out of print.

- You as a guide, how much?

- Well isn't that fine.

Just like you to treat me like a gigolo and offer me money

after all we meant to each other.

- How much?

- $25,000.

- Forget it. - 50 bucks?

- Okay.

- That's 50 plus expenses.

(sensual music)

- Snap out of it.

Look what I found.

- What is it?

- Something called a newspaper.

- Yeah it looks pretty old to me.

- I said news, not new.

- Wow look, 1997.

They had to read the news off of paper back then.

- Yeah it's pretty primitive huh?

- Yeah.

- Look, down here there's something about Swales.

Council member Camella Swales was appointed

regional director for the

southwestern division of Super Corps.

She was given the appointment in spite of her

hard line philosophy, make money not love.

- Well how does that help us?

I mean we already know she was some nut

that wormed her way into power.

- Yeah but down here it says,

back in the early '90s she used to

run a girl's boarding school.

Whatever that was.

That school stood at the very same site as this building.

- So?

- So that'll make it simple to find her.

- Naldo, you're not making any sense.

I mean that was over 25 years ago.

It's not like we can change the past.

- That's where you're wrong.

(dramatic music)

- Wow. - Wow?

It's better than that, it's fantastic.

- Yeah.

What the hell is it?

- It's a time chamber.

- How do you know?

- 'Cause I'm smart, and it says so right down there.

- Oh so it is.

What's it doing here?

- Probably something this corporation is suppressing

so people like you and I can't find out about the past.

- Wait a minute.

You're not thinking what I think you're thinking, are you?

- Vin it's the only way.

The corporation is far too powerful to stop now,

but back in the last century we'd have a chance.

- Travel through time?

What are you nuts?

I mean you don't even know how to operate that machine.

- It looks simple enough.

It can't be that much different from driving a hover car.

- Naldo, may I remind you that you

flunked your vertical parking on the driver's test?

One missed calculation and poof, we end up in the Stone Age.

- We didn't want your kind here anyhow.

- I'm willing to take that risk.

- Yeah well I'm not.

- Oh no?

Not even for Rena?

- Okay, okay where do we start?

- Not so fast.

I have to do a bit more research first.

(boat puttering)

(birds chirping)

- And over here on the left

we have the tribal headhunter and trader.

Ooh he's got a special for us today,

it's a two for one.

Two of his heads for one of yours.

Do we have any takers?

- This is incredible.

He's memorized the entire speech

from the jungle boat ride at Disneyland.

- That'll be useful.

- I can do the Tiki Room too.

- You know everything.

- Can you do the boat?

- Yeah I know Adventureland like the back of my hand.

Of course this jungle can't be much different.

(thudding noise)

- What was that?

- Something went under the boat, something big.

- Ah it's probably just a rock.

- Hardly.

(water splashing)

A hippo, look!

(duck quacking)

- A hippo in California?

- The Palm Springs hippo.

It's a lighter version than its African cousin

because of the low cholesterol diet,

but it's just as deadly.

- Oh my god, it's charging at the boat!

- We're gonna die! - Man the helm!

Don't let it broadside us, Jim!

Hard to port, hard to port!

- Port, is that left or right?

- Left, left!

(gun fires)

(duck quacks)

- [Bunny] Is it dead?

- I think so.

- Boy, did its ears wiggle

when it started to get close to us?

- Yeah the ears wiggle when they're angry.

- Yeah.

- This is not the Disneyland jungle boat ride!

Get real, folks.

We were almost killed!

- [Man] So I was with this girl the other night.

- [Man] Oh the one with the acorns right?

Oh shit you're on.

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, some of the bimbos

try to escape.

- Why try, you know it's impossible.

The only chance we've got is no chance at all.

(somber music)

I know it can't be done.

(intense music)

(man yells)

I'm just glad that you didn't know it.

- Now what makes you think

you got what it takes to be an actress?

- I hope you realize you did nothing to help the situation.

- Here, look at these.

I'll be quiet as a mouse, promise.

- It takes teamwork, Tisa okay?

Ready go.

(suspenseful music)

I've got an idea.

- Ooh what a relief.

Those sheep are so hairy.

- [Woman] Little bit!

Got it, ah!

- Are you all right?

- A little well done, perhaps.

Hey, we're outta here.

(eerie music)

- Now Rena, all you have to do is press these two buttons.

Once we're gone, reset the counter ahead,

and press these two.

Got it?

- I think so.

- Good.

Let's go.

(buttons beeping)

(suspenseful music)

(electricity crackling)

(dramatic music)

- I've been noticing you're a very pretty girl.

You have glistening, prepubescent breasts,

and well rounded buttocks.

- How nice of you to notice.

You really think so?

- Yes, definitely.

- Thank you.

I really don't know how I'll ever repay you.

- Well there is one way.

- What's that?

Tell me.

You've been so kind, I'll do anything.

- Anything?

- Anything.

- Anything at all?

- Anything at all.

- Anything at all that I want, and you'll do it right now?

- Anything at all that you want,

and I'll do it right now.

- Oh my god!

I'm losing my mind.

It's this jungle, I'm just losing my mind.

- Well with having your period and everything.

- We've gotta go back.

We're going back.

We've just gone too deep into the heart of the jungle.

We're going back.

- Little too late for that, Margo.

I think they found us.

- Cute outfits. - Maybe.

They don't look too friendly to me.

(speaks foreign language)

- What did she say?

- I'm not sure.

It's a strange, difficult language.

Listen, I am looking for Dr. Kurtz.

Do you understand me?

Dr. Kurtz.

- Kurtz?

- Yes, Dr. Kurtz!

Can you take me to her?

Get your stuff!

(pleasant music)

(ominous music)

(electricity crackling)

(can squeals)

- Naldo, where are we?

- It's all right.

Think this must be the Swale school.

- Yeah it doesn't look like a school to me.

Where are the monitors, and the computer terminals?

For that matter, where are the students?

- Let's get out of here, Vin.

We're not ready to socialize yet.

- Over here.

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, bimbos look for a way out.

(birds chirping)

- An hour doesn't take you far in jungle distance.

- Sid should be starting out about now,

and he'll be coming fast.

Let me check the map and get our bearings.

- It's not here.

It must have fallen out somewhere along the path.

- It's no wonder it slipped through.

I should have held onto it myself.

- Let's go back together. - No.

I lost it, I'll find it.

Stick to the path, I'll catch up with you.

- Watch out for the deadfall.

It'd be just like her to get herself crushed.

(dramatic music)

- The secret temple of the Piranha Women.

Their architecture is surprisingly advanced.

- [Jim] Looks like a big Lego to me.

(pleasant music)

- This must be the altar room where they--

- Eat guys?

- Yeah.

- Very good, Dr. Hunt.

That is quite correct.

- Francine Kurtz, then you are alive.

- And she's got one of those cute outfits on.

- I have more than just the outfit, Bunny.

The Piranha Women have christened me

empress of the Avocado Jungle.

I am their supreme ruler.

- Empress?

- I knew the Avocado board would send someone after me.

But I never suspected it would be another feminist.

After I did away with the army.

- [Margo] You mean to say you led those

Piranha Women against the soldiers?

- Of course.

They violated our jungle sanctuary.

They had to die, painfully.

They were pretty delicious, too.

- Dr. Kurtz, I'm unfamiliar

with the academic guidelines at Radcliffe,

but I would think any major university

would consider warring on the United States

and eating prisoners of war a serious breach of ethics.

- Always the cautious scholars, huh Dr. Hunt?

I'm not here to study the Piranha Women.

I'm here to lead them, painfully.

The future of feminism lies in this temple.

- Are you saying the future of women is in cannibalism?

- Face up to the truth!

Painfully.

This is a war.

A war between men and women.

Anything short of cannibalism

is just beating around the bush.

- Us bushes have rights too, you know.

- Join with us, become a Piranha Woman.

Painfully.

- I can't do that.

Although I'm discouraged, I can't give up hope

that there'll be equality between the sexes.

- I cannot allow you to leave the jungle

and reveal the secrets of the Piranha Women.

You either join us, or you all die together.

I will give you until tomorrow morning

to make your decision.

If you agree to join us, you will sacrifice your first man.

If you do not agree, you will be

thrown into the piranha pit and you will die, painfully.

- Hey, speak for yourself!

I'm sure we could roundtable this whole thing.

- Take her.

Take the airhead too.

- [Jim] You know I've got a subscription to Ms.

- I've never had sex.

- [Narrator] Vin and Naldo tell Maggie all about the future.

- And Camella Swales is responsible for outlawing it?

- According to our research, yes.

- Geez, I thought she was a tight assed prude

with delusions of grandeur,

but I had no idea she could go that far.

What are you gonna do about it?

- Well, we have to do something.

The future of the world depends on it.

- What?

- Well actually, we were hoping you might have some ideas.

This being your time and all.

- I don't know.

Maybe you could kill her.

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, bimbos look for a way out.

(birds chirping)

(gun fires)

(whistle trills)

(man yelling)

(monkey chattering)

(bell rings)

- [Naldo] Oh my god, do you see who that is?

- Yeah, it's Professor Dorn.

I wonder if he'll recognize us.

- No he's not gonna recognize us.

He won't even meet us for another 25 years.

(ominous music)

- [Dorn] Why, good morning Miss Swales.

- You two!

(dramatic music)

I've never seen you two before.

Explain yourselves!

Explain yourselves!

- Uh-huh. - Hello.

- Explain yourselves!

- Yes Miss Swale.

- [Naldo] I'm also a boy!

(pleasant music)

- I want to be a Piranha Woman.

- [Margo] Bunny, what are you saying?

- I want to be a Piranha Woman.

- [Margo] Bunny damn it,

I knew I shouldn't have brought you.

You haven't had enough women's studies core classes.

You're being seduced by the simplicity

of the Piranha Women's philosophy.

- No I haven't.

I just want one of those cute outfits.

- [Margo] Bunny, listen to me.

- Silence her.

Are you sure you want to become a Piranha Woman?

- Yes.

- Are you willing to partake

in the blood sacrifice initiation?

- Well if you mean have sex with a guy

and then kill him, sure.

I'll try it.

I've done weirder things at frat parties.

(upbeat music)

- Then I will allow you to become a Piranha Woman,

on one condition.

He shall be your sacrifice.

(dramatic music)

- Well, now you've gone too far, Dr. Kurtz.

I happen to be a pretty good judge of human nature,

and as far as our Bunny goes,

well the poor kid happens to be nuts about me.

She would never-- - Sure I'll kill him.

- Prepare them both for sacrifice.

- [Bunny] Toodles.

- What?

- Just do it! - What?

(man yells)

- The sacrifice has escaped, kill him!

- Quick, this way! - Stop them!

Kill them!

(intense music)

- Over the ledge.

Jump!

I can fight them off from here.

- Oh no, you're coming with me.

- No it's more important that you escape.

- Jean Pierre, will you stop being a sacrifice?

Now come with me.

(dramatic music)

(Margo screams)

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, bimbos look for a way out.

- The sun is up already.

- And we've still got a ways to go yet.

This is taking longer than I thought.

- It didn't seem this far last night, even in the dark.

- It won't be long before we're missed.

Come on.

(Margo screams)

(crickets chirping)

(eerie music)

(knocking)

(Vin farting)

- Where's Naldo?

- We split up.

You mean he didn't come back?

- Guys!

Guys, I think we did it. - Naldo.

- I think I finally found the answer to our problem.

- Naldo, where have you been?

I've been so worried about you.

- I was in Miss Swales' office doing a bit of research.

Look at these.

It seems our Miss Swales

wasn't always the woman she is today.

(sultry music)

- [Narrator] Ah.

- Could this be the same woman?

- Yeah, she keeps those locked in her desk.

Do you know what this means?

This means there's still a trace of humanity left in her.

All we have to do is find the right person for her.

It could change her entire outlook.

(somber music) (wind whistling)

(eerie music)

- [Narrator] Meanwhile, bimbos look for a way out.

- Are you sure this is the right trail?

- I'm not sure about anything anymore.

(Margo screams)

(intense music)

- How could you miss?

She's only 10 feet away.

- Oh yeah, well if you're so great with a bow and arrow,

why didn't you shoot her?

- Give me a blaster and I'll show you some shooting.

Wouldn't be enough left of her to suck up a straw.

- Look you guys, we're just going to have to face it.

We are not cut out to be assassins.

- What are you going to do now?

- I think we better run.

- Why?

- Look.

(ominous music)

- [Naldo] Hold it you guys.

If we just play it cool, there's a chance

it won't recognize us.

- Yeah, so much for not recognizing us.

(plucky music)

(woman shrieks)

- What is the meaning of this?

Oh my god you're not a girl!

Wait!

(somber music)

- Let the sacrifice begin.

- Bunny, please.

Put away that knife.

You don't know what you're doing.

This whole crazy jungle's got you all mixed up.

- Kill him, now!

(both moaning)

Kill him!

- I can't!

- Do it!

(gentle flute music)

- I can't.

I love him.

(romantic music)

- Throw them both in the piranha pit.

- That water's really gonna stain this outfit.

- [Margo] Wait.

- What now?

- According to the traditions of the Piranha Women,

I challenge the empress of the Avocado Jungle to a battle

for the right to the throne.

- That is your right, but I warn you Margo,

you haven't got a chance.

(crickets chirping)

- If you don't tell me who those boys are,

things are going to get very bad

for you around here, young lady.

(door creaks)

I'm not going to let you ruin my plans for the future.

- Nothing would make me happier.

- All right, if you persist in this young lady,

then I'm afraid you will

just have to find yourself another school.

Well, consider yourself confined to your room.

I'll be watching that door.

(door creaks)

- Meet me at the Fourth Dimension at nine o'clock.

- Meet you where?

- It's a club on Seventh.

You'll like it, it's pretty wild.

(sultry music)

(muffled rock music)

- [Narrator] But what Maggie didn't know

was that Camilla Swales was not

just a mild-mannered headmistress,

but in fact she was secretly Zoltanna,

bimbo defender of the universe!

(dramatic music)

- Get me my proton cannon.

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] Zoltanna, bimbo defender of the universe!

(ominous music)

(swords clang)

- I found your study.

I read your notes.

The outline from your book?

You don't care about the Piranha Women.

You just want to write a book about your experiences.

- That's not true!

- My Life as a Piranha Woman by Francine Kurtz?

Catchy.

Should make the bestseller list.

The media hype from your last book was fading.

You needed something new

to get back on the talk show circuit.

Isn't that right?

Well what better than an expose

on the Piranha Women's lives?

- Think Margo will win? - Yeah.

Do you have any of those red licorice ropes?

- Sure in my backpack, why?

- We'll discuss it later.

- You were going to exploit their culture and traditions

for a cheap paperback pot boiler.

A kiss sacrifice and tell book.

- All right, anybody want any action on Margo?

The point split is three against Dr. Kurtz.

Huh, anybody in on this?

Chicks.

(swords clang)

(sultry music)

- Wow.

- Hey, remember me?

- You kind of do look familiar.

Come on let's go.

(upbeat music)

- How much for your friend?

- What?

- How much for your friend?

- Nothing. - Ah really!

(upbeat music)

- Oh you guys, there's Maggie.

- Oh, why don't you go get her?

- Hi!

- Hi.

- Didn't have any trouble getting out?

- Oh, nothing Houdini couldn't handle.

I was put under house arrest.

- I'm sorry!

I'm really sorry all this happened to you.

- No don't be.

I wanted to transfer out of that school anyway,

and besides I got to meet you.

- What?

- I say I got to meet you.

(upbeat music)

You wanna dance?

- Oh no no no, I can't do that.

- Oh come on, I'll show you.

It'll be easy.

(upbeat music)

(dramatic music)

(women grunting)

- You handle yourself fairly well.

- I studied ancient weaponry at Berkeley.

- Professor Harris?

- No, Professor Johnson.

- Really?

I had Johnson at Stanford.

- Enough preliminaries.

(upbeat music)

(explosion booms) (crowd gasps)

- Vin, Vin!

(dramatic music)

- Sweet mother of god!

It's a toad woman from Mars!

(crowd gasps)

(woman screams)

(somber music)

(dramatic music)

- You're no better than the chauvinist who sent us here.

- You don't understand.

I had...

(somber music)

- Francine, the pool watch out--

- Stay back!

(somber music)

You don't understand.

(Francine farts)

I had to do it.

- [Woman] I was tired of being exploited.

I wanted people to see that there was

more to me than just a body.

For as long as I can remember,

men were always taking advantage of me.

I never understood why.

Boy this shower feels good.

Ooh, ah.

- God!

The horror.

(sultry music)

- [Woman] Ooh, I know how she feels.

I was tired of being exploited too.

It seems like when I was in school,

I was being forced to join in on chauvinistic games,

like the time we went to Tijuana,

and there was this donkey.

Mm I can still taste the whipped cream.

(sultry music)

- [Women] Our experiences were much different.

You see, we went to an all girls school.

There we learned that our bodies were our temples,

and let us tell you, we did some worshiping.

Alleluia.

- Horror.

- Francine!

(pond belching)

(somber music)

- [Narrator] News of the queen's death traveled fast,

and the men decided to fight back.

- Let's get 'em! - Shit yeah!

- Shit yeah! - Shit!

- Shit! - Go!

- Shit! - Shit!

(banjo music)

(dramatic music)

(people screaming)

(guns firing)

(surf rock music)

- [Narrator] But it was the courage and bravery

of three particular men that made all the difference.

They were Duke Flyswatter, Ham Salad,

and their bookie sidekick Ducaca

that drove the bimbos away.

(dramatic music)

(crowd cheering)

(dramatic music)

- That was close.

Now what do we do?

- Our universe is vast, full of wonders.

We'll explore!

Find strange new worlds, together.

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] They fought valiantly,

and the bimbos retreated.

And once again, the world was safe to enjoy

big old mouth watering morsels of big old floppy titties.

Mm, I mean safe for humankind.

(dramatic music)

And men and women learned to live together

in peace and harmony.

(dramatic music)

Until the hand of God came down and destroyed the world.

(explosion booms)

(cow moos)

(people screaming)

(siren wails) (monkeys screech)

Fin.

They couldn't afford the rest of the letters

to spell out finish.

It's that low budget.

Dave Parker, Mike Mendez.

Mike's broken, mend this.

Mend it with this.

Get a glue gun, mend this.

Mike's broken, mend this.

Gonna say blonde babes and bimbos.

There's a theme here.

There's a lot of titties in those films.

If you'd like to learn more about these films,

your Library of Congress has excellent selection

of these films available.

Father Fransiscus.

That's me.

CCI, si si senor.

That's racist, you can't.

David, David Ryan.

Digital lobsters, lobsters?

Special spanks to.

Steve ding a ling Blum.

Ken, Kenny Yakkel.

Yank on this.

These people provide no financing whatsoever for this film.

(dramatic music)

Yeah right.

Please.

(dramatic music)

- And that was fantastic!

But it didn't work.

- [Narrator] I made this!

(men laughing)

Sit Ubu, sit.

(men laughing)