Original subtitles

Hello? Hello, Laura.

Mayor Boner here.

Oh, hello, Mayor Boner.

Hello, Laura.

What are you doing right now?

I'm taking a shower.

Oh, what are you wearing?

What?

What are you wearing?

I'm not wearing anything. I'm in the shower.

Oh, yes, that's good.

Leave your boner over there.

Yes,

well, we've got trouble in Music City, Laura.

What did you say?

There's trouble in town. There's a blue alien female perched atop the AT &T

building. She's where?

She's on top of the AT &T building, and she's blasted a hole in the convention

center. She did what?

She blew up the convention center, Laura.

Have you seen Thong Girl?

I haven't seen Thong Girl.

Please find her. Music City needs her.

Yes, sir. I'll call her right away.

Goodbye.

Looks like a job for...

Hey, Bimbo.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Who are you?

I am Ziltha, from the planet Ziltan.

I mean you no harm.

Really? Well, you could have fooled me.

You're destroying the city with your electrical rays.

I am seeking prominent males for the purpose of procreation.

I wish only to, how do you say, have hot monkey sex.

Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.

I am attempting to draw out the dominant males of your species by causing

destructive circumstances.

Is this not the way to find a male?

Well, there are easier ways to catch a fella.

Then why do you want to have sex with prominent humans?

Are there not enough eligible bachelors where you're from?

My planet is rapidly dying due to a depletion of carbon alloys necessary to

maintain our existence.

Our ecosystem will fail within two of your Earth's years.

I have been sent here to fertilize your planet with our young.

By having intercourse with your most prominent males, I will ensure that our

species lives on. Your planet has an atmosphere very similar to ours.

Once I have been sufficiently inseminated, I will create a new race of

Zoltanites, and we will make the necessary adjustments so that our people

adapt to your inferior way of life.

Wow, that's quite a plan.

And did you think we were just going to sit idly by and let you destroy our

city?

Yes, that is what I was planning on.

Well, I've got news for you, sister.

It ain't going to be that easy.

Now, feel the power of the thong.

This is going to be harder than I thought.

I'll have to fight this bimbo hand to hand.

Say, where'd you learn to fight like that?

The women on my planet are superior to the men in many ways, including our

fighting skills.

We are the protectors of our families.

Gee, no wonder you have a hard time finding sex partners.

You scare them all away.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

In my studies of your species, I find this to be an acceptable form of contact

between two humans.

Uh, yeah, sister, but I don't swing that way. I'm not into chicks.

Especially skanky blue aliens.

Skanky? Ah, slang for low or squeezy character.

You amuse me, female with very little clothing on.

What is your name?

They call me Thong Girl.

Thong girl.

I am Zulta, from the planet Zoltan.

We shall meet again soon.

I must go now. I have many men to procreate with.

Goodbye.

This is not going to be easy.

Oh, great.

What now?

Are you?

My name is unpronounceable by your speech.

But you may call me Vicious.

What am I doing here?

Wait a minute.

Did the guys at the DA's office put you up to this?

Do not touch the cone.

I do not touch your cone. Why would you touch mine?

Sorry. I thought this was a joke.

I can assure you.

This is no joke.

Now, I mean you no harm.

Unless, of course, you touch my cone again.

I have come here to capture the alien female known as Zolta.

I observed you interacting with her. I wish you to summon her here to my

spaceship. What do you want with Zolta?

She has something that belongs to me, and I want it back.

What is it?

You are a nosy little bitch, aren't you?

Look. That is none of your concern. Now, you will return to the planet, bring

Zolta back here, and once she is secured on my ship, you will be free to leave.

First of all, I barely know that skanko, except for that little throwdown we had

on the AT &T tower.

Second, why should I help you?

What's in it for me?

If you do not cooperate, I can make things very, uh...

Unpleasant? For you and your fellow Earthlings?

You see, my ship has the power to control the resources of your planet.

Let me show you just a little bit of what I'm capable of.

And that is just a taste!

of what will happen if you do not return here with Zolta. Do not return with

Zolta! And your planet is doomed.

You have 24 of your Earth hours.

Now go!

Carry on, boy.

Dude.

We gotta come here more often.

Will Thongirl and Volta become mortal enemies and do battle once more?

Or will these busty beauties form an alliance and take on the evil ones?

What terrible torture lies ahead for our titanic duo?

Tune in next time for another exciting adventure of... Longbird vs Volta from

Outer Space!

That was some nice work in court the other day. Thanks to your efforts, Chad

Chernobyl won't be eligible for parole for at least another ten years. That's

one less pain in my ass I have to deal with.

Now tell me about this blue alien on the rooftop of the AT &T building.

Have you been in touch with Thong Girl?

Yes, sir. I talked to her last night.

The alien's name is Zolta, and she's from a planet in another galaxy very

similar to ours.

Their oxygen supply is running out, and they need to find a new home.

She's come to Earth to have sex with prominent humans and give birth to a

new race of Zoltanites.

That's a fantastic story.

Wait, there's more.

There's another alien called Vicious who has followed her from their planet

Zoltan.

Apparently, she has stolen a very powerful amulet from him, and he wants

back. He's prepared to destroy the whole Earth if he doesn't get it. He wants

Thong Girl to help him find her.

Thong Girl has asked me to help track her down.

You do not have to look very far, human female.

Holy shit! I am not familiar with this combination of words, handsome human

male.

Are you implying that your excrement is sacred?

No, no. What I meant was... It's an expression we use... You are an

candidate for procreation. You will disrobe and we will have hot monkey sex.

Um... Okay.

Wait!

You're way out of line, Delta.

No, no. I think I should do this, Laura. You know, a show of goodwill and all.

Wait. You are very familiar, scrawny human female.

Yes, of course.

You were the scantily clad superhero on the roof of the building the other day.

I have been looking for you.

Um, shouldn't we do that thing you were talking about? You know, for the... Go

to your planet and all.

I would like to propose an alliance.

I am in need of your superhuman resources in order to defeat Vicious.

He has been following me for many of your light years, and I cannot shake

Why don't you just give him back his stuff?

You do not understand.

Vicious is pure evil.

On my planet, he is what is known as a Teklar, a vicious slave trader who lies

and cheats for profit.

This amulet is very powerful, and he would use it for ill gain and cause many

suffer in his pursuit of wealth and greed.

What about his wallet?

He has a Sam's Club card that I'm very fond of.

Wait, you have Sam's Club on your planet?

Yes, and a new Sonic that must be open by now.

Look. I just can't drop everything and go chasing after evil aliens with you.

Are you not sworn to uphold the law and protect the innocent citizens and the

hat -wearing country music stars of this city?

Well, yes.

I saw on my 52 -inch cosmic plasma screen that I purchased from Sam's Club

you saved country music singer Kenny Chesney's life.

Okay, then that was a mistake.

If you do not help me defeat Vicious, he will destroy the Earth piece by piece

until he finds me. I am not strong enough to defeat him alone.

What can I do to persuade you?

If you'd like, I will kiss you passionately again on the lips.

Whoa, whoa there, Smurfette.

Look, I'll help you, but under one condition.

Yes, anything you say.

Let me borrow that Sam's card. They have these amazing Alaskan red king crab

legs that are out of this world.

Yes, it is a deal.

Uh -uh -uh.

I told you about that stuff.

Sorry.

How did I ever let that bimbo talk me into this? I've taken on some pretty

characters, but never a space alien.

Seriously, tell him what kind of space cooties he's got.

And that breath.

Ugh.

You move slowly, thong girl.

I have already stopped along the way and had intercourse with two of your

prominent males.

Well, make that one and a half.

One was a singer named Kenny Chesney, and he was not interested in females.

I had to artificially inseminate myself with his sperm.

Okay,

that's a little too much information, Zelda.

Any sign of vicious?

None. What makes you think he would look for us here?

Well,

it's just a hunch, but...

This is the last place he saw us together, and it's the tallest building

city. Ah, good idea.

Thong girl, why do you display your breasts so prominently?

Is this desirable to human males?

Hmm, well, as a matter of fact, Zolta, it is.

Men like girls with a lot of cleavage.

There's an old saying here on Earth.

Use it or lose it. Which basically means, if you got it, flaunt it.

Women are very competitive for men's attention.

You have to use what the good Lord gave you.

Some women have pretty faces.

Some are really intelligent. And some have killer bodies.

I have all these things.

I shall do well here on your planet.

And you're modest, too.

Uh -oh.

We have company.

Welcome to my ship, ladies.

Do not struggle, for resistance is futile.

You are being suspended by the Omni Synchrometer.

Your bodies have been rendered helpless, and you are now my prisoners.

Do you know why you've been brought here, Doctor?

You would like your Sam's card back?

Sexy and funny.

It will be my pleasure torturing you and having my way with you.

Again.

You had sex with Cream?

Well, not exactly. He had, how do you say, erectile cone

dysfunction.

That is a lie. My cone was not properly stimulated.

You did not pay the required cone plunks for total cone stimulation.

I was only two conk plucks short.

You could have cut me a deal.

Damn it, Jim. I'm a prostitute, not a lending institution.

A bit of humor from your television show called Star Trek.

I've grown very fond of this.

You bought a television with my Sam's Club card, didn't you?

No matter. You will pay for ridiculing me and for stealing the amulet.

Do you know what power that amulet possesses?

I know I can transport myself through time and space.

I control human male sexual desire.

I have had intercourse with many men since I have arrived, with little

resistance.

And you are proud of this?

I am carrying out the mission for which I was sent by the elders.

I am giving the Zoltans a chance to live on long after our planet dies.

I care nothing for our planet, and I care nothing for your planet either,

Girl. Now, you will give me the amulet, or I will torture and rape you both.

Over my dead body.

This is an acceptable form of gratification.

I have no problem with that.

Let the human female go. She has brought me here as you have requested. You have

no more need of her.

Yes, but I am intrigued by her human yaklock.

I think I'll have a closer look.

Two can play at that game, Vicious.

No one removes my thong but me.

You will regret that thong, girl. And Zolta, you will give me that amulet.

I am finished with the tool group, you will both be begging for mercy.

Now, the Omni Synchrometer will rearrange your molecular structure.

Time for your spin cycle, lady.

Swim, little fishy.

Will Thongirl and Zolta break free from the clutches of the evil alien Vicious?

Will Zolta give birth to a whole new race of Zoltanese on planet Earth,

Kitty Chesney's low sperm count?

Will Vicious get his Sam's Club card back?

Tune in next time for another exciting adventure of Thongirl vs. Zolta from

Outer Space.

Swim, little fishies.

Had

enough,

ladies? Is that all you've got, Vicious?

Oh, no, Thong girl. There's plenty more where that came from.

Perhaps we can negotiate.

I am prepared to give you back your Sam's Flip card.

And I will attempt to stimulate your cone once again.

You don't have to bargain with this creep, Zolta.

It is all right, thong girl. Where I am from, I am known for giving the best

blue job on my planet.

Men seldom leave unsatisfied.

You will include the amulet.

Only then will I release you.

You have one Earth Hour to decide.

In the meantime, I will go and sharpen the tip of my cone in anticipation of

your services.

What are we going to do now?

Vicious will be back soon.

I have a plan, Thong Girl.

Awesome! I'm all ears.

I have a plan, Thong Girl.

Why are you yelling?

You said that you were all ears.

Just an expression.

It means you have my full attention?

You earthlings are very strange.

So what's your plan?

I have been studying your ass laser and calculating the amount of energy that is

released from your sphincter.

I believe that if you fire your laser at the exact same time as I release my

electrical rays, we can disable the force field that joins us together.

Then we can combine our energies and overpower Vicious.

Okay, so what then?

Then I will be free to summon the power of the amulet and beam Vicious into

space, where he will spend the rest of his days floating aimlessly through the

cosmos.

Sounds like a great idea.

I think we can do this. Ready to try it? I am ready.

Release your laser.

We did it, Delta.

High five.

Kirk, I should have known you would try to combine your powers. But still, you

are no match for me.

I am Vicious, Lord of the Universe.

You forget, Lord Vicious, that I hold the power of the amulet.

But you do not properly know how to use it, Zoltan. You see, without the secret

code, you cannot unleash its full potential.

What you do not know, Vicious, is during our very brief sexual encounter,

when you were sleeping, I forewarned the Zoltan mine for too long. And extracted

the code from you.

That is when you stole the amulet and my wallet.

You are a low -down koopar, Zolta.

I know you are. But what am I?

Good one, Zolta.

That's a pretty powerful little amulet you have there. I am just beginning to

unleash its full potential.

Hmm.

Maybe you could use it to beam me back to Earth.

This has been a lot of fun in Azulta, but I really need to get back to my

Just think of all the crimes that have been committed since I've been here.

I've really got my work cut out for me.

What just happened?

I believe we have been propelled through a wormhole.

What does that mean?

According to my calculations, we have traveled three and one half parsecs from

our previous location. This is the equivalent of 3 .258 light years.

In English, please.

We will not be returning to your planet anytime soon, Thong Girl. You had best

make yourself comfortable.

Well, I always said I'd like to do some more traveling.

Just think of all the wonderful alien races we'll encounter here in space.

As they say on your human Disney channel, which I have seen on my 52

plasma screen, whoop -dee -doo.

Come on, Zolta.

It'll be fun.

We'll team up together and save the universe.

Why, you and me together, we'll be a great team. Just think of all the bad

we'll put away.

Very well, Thong Girl. I will become your crime -fighting partner.

Maybe then you will kiss me passionately on the lips.

Hmm. Well, you never know what might happen in outer space.

One thing first, though.

We've got to get you a new costume.

So we look more like a team and all.

I will work on that, thong girl.

Great. Now let's go see what's out there.

Disarm yourself, human.

That's not a real gun.

Tune in next time for another exciting adventure of... Long Girl vs. Volta from

Outer Space.

Like a virgin.

for the very first time feel so good

inside like a virgin

with your heartbeat next to mine like

a virgin feel so good inside

like a virgin

With your heartbeat.

Thong Girl. Next to mine.

Thong Girl.

I've made some modifications to the ship's neurosystem, which I believe will

make it more efficient.

That's a great idea, Zilta.

I'd like to be back on Earth in time to watch the latest episode of The

Bachelorette. Thong Girl, do not get your hopes up as to getting home anytime

soon. According to my...

Calculations, we are four and a half light years from Earth.

This translates into 24 trillion miles from your home.

How can that be? Why, just the other day I was practicing law and getting a cut

and curl from my pal Andy Andrew, hairdresser to the dog.

Potty pooper, potty pooper, everybody needs a pooper that...

We have passed through a wormhole which has propelled us a great distance in a

short time.

Most wormholes are uncharted and lead to unknown territories in space.

We are likely to encounter many strange and unique species on our journey home.

Hmm.

Do you think there are any good -looking fellas up here looking for a wife?

I'm not getting any younger, you know.

It's hard to find a man where I'm from.

Guys on Earth are all intimidated by me on account of my special talent.

Do you mean your ability to fire lasers from your anal glands?

Yeah, that.

Phone girl, does this not make you unique?

Well, yeah.

I guess it does.

Is this not a good thing?

What do you mean?

On my planet, we are all the same.

The women serve the same function.

All the men have the same occupation.

We all look alike. We are all blue.

And the men all have protruding cranium.

Yeah, I guess that does sound kind of boring.

On Earth, we all come in different shapes and sizes and colors.

And we all do a variety of jobs.

Speaking of jobs, how's that repair coming?

We are ready to go.

I will just activate the warp core, and you will immediately notice the ship's

improved performance.

Damn it, Jim.

I... I know.

You're a prostitute, not a mechanic.

We've heard that one before, Zolta.

Jokes are generally only funny the first time. Ah, a lesson in comedy.

Very useful phone, girl.

Any suggestions of what to do now?

Hmm.

Let's see if I get cell service up here.

Awesome! Thank God for Al Gore and the Internet.

Let me just Google... base mechanics.

Uh...

Here's one.

Sal's Auto and Spaceship Repair.

We come to you so you can go to them.

I like that.

Let me just call him.

Hello, Sal.

We're in need of your special services.

We're two hot females stranded in space.

Can you come?

Great. See you soon.

What did he say?

He says he has no trouble coming.

He's going to bring his special tool.

You sounded kind of cute.

Maybe you will make a love connection, thong girl.

I wish to have my cone stimulated.

Two hundred bucks an hour.

Do you take conk blocks?

Sure.

This is the most stimulating human female.

Your jetpack.

It's most pleasurable.

Oh, your cone is so big.

Oh, yeah.

Give it to me.

I do not know what is wrong.

This has never happened before.

Well, ladies, it doesn't seem to be that complicated.

The conductors on your bioelectric generator seem to be a little rusty.

Nothing a little WD -40 and elbow grease can't fix.

Looks like it's been a while since your ship's been serviced.

As a matter of fact, it's been a while since my crotch rocket's had a blue job.

What do you say we take this out and trade?

This is an acceptable offer.

Okay, I can get this fixed.

Hey, Zolta, I wonder if there's going to be a full moon tonight?

Oh, funny phone girl.

I will attempt some humor as well.

Sal, the mechanic, awoke at the crack of dawn this morning.

I'm not bad, Zolta.

Looks like you're catching on.

Well, that should do it.

Now, how about that blue jar?

Thank you.

Thank you.

We have encountered a space beacon approximately 14 ,000 kilometers from

ship. I suggest we investigate.

What kind of beacon, Delta?

I believe it is a distress signal, but I am not familiar with this particular

species.

Hmm.

Let's hear it. Can you put it up on the main speakers?

I will attempt to do so.

Sounds like they're in trouble.

I think we should go check it out.

I will walk over.

By the way, I was watching you up in the cargo area last night.

What was that dance all about?

That is what is known as a conchie block.

It is my way to stay in tune with my heritage, much the same way you

go to church and worship.

When I move in this way, I feel at one with my creator.

And it sends healing vibrations to my opulence.

Your what?

My offspring.

Those are your eggs?

As I explained earlier, it is my mission to propagate my species on Earth or a

similar environment.

That dance was really sexy.

Phone girl, would you like me to kiss you now?

Um, no, no, no, no.

What I mean is, that was a really sensual way of moving.

Like I told you, I'm into boys.

I am into boys, too.

But you are a very attractive female phone girl.

If I were to ever desire a female, you would be a likely candidate.

Thanks, I think.

I am Zen Markov from Mizar 5.

You have entered the forbidden zone.

You will surrender immediately and relinquish your ship or die.

Thong Girl, you wanted an adventure.

I believe that we have found one.

Great.

See you next time for another exciting adventure of...

Long world versus Volta from outer space.