All language subtitles for Thong Girl Vs Xolta From Outer Space 2014 720p WEBRip x264 AAC-[YTS BZ]

Hello? Hello, Laura.

Mayor Boner here.

Oh, hello, Mayor Boner.

Hello, Laura.

What are you doing right now?

I'm taking a shower.

Oh, what are you wearing?

What?

What are you wearing?

I'm not wearing anything. I'm in the
shower.

Oh, yes, that's good.

Leave your boner over there.

Yes,

well, we've got trouble in Music City,
Laura.

What did you say?

There's trouble in town. There's a blue
alien female perched atop the AT &T

building. She's where?

She's on top of the AT &T building, and
she's blasted a hole in the convention

center. She did what?

She blew up the convention center,
Laura.

Have you seen Thong Girl?

I haven't seen Thong Girl.

Please find her. Music City needs her.

Yes, sir. I'll call her right away.

Goodbye.

Looks like a job for...

Hey, Bimbo.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Who are you?

I am Ziltha, from the planet Ziltan.

I mean you no harm.

Really? Well, you could have fooled me.

You're destroying the city with your
electrical rays.

I am seeking prominent males for the
purpose of procreation.

I wish only to, how do you say, have hot
monkey sex.

Well, you sure have a funny way of
showing it.

I am attempting to draw out the dominant
males of your species by causing

destructive circumstances.

Is this not the way to find a male?

Well, there are easier ways to catch a
fella.

Then why do you want to have sex with
prominent humans?

Are there not enough eligible bachelors
where you're from?

My planet is rapidly dying due to a
depletion of carbon alloys necessary to

maintain our existence.

Our ecosystem will fail within two of
your Earth's years.

I have been sent here to fertilize your
planet with our young.

By having intercourse with your most
prominent males, I will ensure that our

species lives on. Your planet has an
atmosphere very similar to ours.

Once I have been sufficiently
inseminated, I will create a new race of

Zoltanites, and we will make the
necessary adjustments so that our people

adapt to your inferior way of life.

Wow, that's quite a plan.

And did you think we were just going to
sit idly by and let you destroy our

city?

Yes, that is what I was planning on.

Well, I've got news for you, sister.

It ain't going to be that easy.

Now, feel the power of the thong.

This is going to be harder than I
thought.

I'll have to fight this bimbo hand to
hand.

Say, where'd you learn to fight like
that?

The women on my planet are superior to
the men in many ways, including our

fighting skills.

We are the protectors of our families.

Gee, no wonder you have a hard time
finding sex partners.

You scare them all away.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

In my studies of your species, I find
this to be an acceptable form of contact

between two humans.

Uh, yeah, sister, but I don't swing that
way. I'm not into chicks.

Especially skanky blue aliens.

Skanky? Ah, slang for low or squeezy
character.

You amuse me, female with very little
clothing on.

What is your name?

They call me Thong Girl.

Thong girl.

I am Zulta, from the planet Zoltan.

We shall meet again soon.

I must go now. I have many men to
procreate with.

Goodbye.

This is not going to be easy.

Oh, great.

What now?

Are you?

My name is unpronounceable by your
speech.

But you may call me Vicious.

What am I doing here?

Wait a minute.

Did the guys at the DA's office put you
up to this?

Do not touch the cone.

I do not touch your cone. Why would you
touch mine?

Sorry. I thought this was a joke.

I can assure you.

This is no joke.

Now, I mean you no harm.

Unless, of course, you touch my cone
again.

I have come here to capture the alien
female known as Zolta.

I observed you interacting with her. I
wish you to summon her here to my

spaceship. What do you want with Zolta?

She has something that belongs to me,
and I want it back.

What is it?

You are a nosy little bitch, aren't you?

Look. That is none of your concern. Now,
you will return to the planet, bring

Zolta back here, and once she is secured
on my ship, you will be free to leave.

First of all, I barely know that skanko,
except for that little throwdown we had

on the AT &T tower.

Second, why should I help you?

What's in it for me?

If you do not cooperate, I can make
things very, uh...

Unpleasant? For you and your fellow
Earthlings?

You see, my ship has the power to
control the resources of your planet.

Let me show you just a little bit of
what I'm capable of.

And that is just a taste!

of what will happen if you do not return
here with Zolta. Do not return with

Zolta! And your planet is doomed.

You have 24 of your Earth hours.

Now go!

Carry on, boy.

Dude.

We gotta come here more often.

Will Thongirl and Volta become mortal
enemies and do battle once more?

Or will these busty beauties form an
alliance and take on the evil ones?

What terrible torture lies ahead for our
titanic duo?

Tune in next time for another exciting
adventure of... Longbird vs Volta from

Outer Space!

That was some nice work in court the
other day. Thanks to your efforts, Chad

Chernobyl won't be eligible for parole
for at least another ten years. That's

one less pain in my ass I have to deal
with.

Now tell me about this blue alien on the
rooftop of the AT &T building.

Have you been in touch with Thong Girl?

Yes, sir. I talked to her last night.

The alien's name is Zolta, and she's
from a planet in another galaxy very

similar to ours.

Their oxygen supply is running out, and
they need to find a new home.

She's come to Earth to have sex with
prominent humans and give birth to a

new race of Zoltanites.

That's a fantastic story.

Wait, there's more.

There's another alien called Vicious who
has followed her from their planet

Zoltan.

Apparently, she has stolen a very
powerful amulet from him, and he wants

back. He's prepared to destroy the whole
Earth if he doesn't get it. He wants

Thong Girl to help him find her.

Thong Girl has asked me to help track
her down.

You do not have to look very far, human
female.

Holy shit! I am not familiar with this
combination of words, handsome human

male.

Are you implying that your excrement is
sacred?

No, no. What I meant was... It's an
expression we use... You are an

candidate for procreation. You will
disrobe and we will have hot monkey sex.

Um... Okay.

Wait!

You're way out of line, Delta.

No, no. I think I should do this, Laura.
You know, a show of goodwill and all.

Wait. You are very familiar, scrawny
human female.

Yes, of course.

You were the scantily clad superhero on
the roof of the building the other day.

I have been looking for you.

Um, shouldn't we do that thing you were
talking about? You know, for the... Go

to your planet and all.

I would like to propose an alliance.

I am in need of your superhuman
resources in order to defeat Vicious.

He has been following me for many of
your light years, and I cannot shake

Why don't you just give him back his
stuff?

You do not understand.

Vicious is pure evil.

On my planet, he is what is known as a
Teklar, a vicious slave trader who lies

and cheats for profit.

This amulet is very powerful, and he
would use it for ill gain and cause many

suffer in his pursuit of wealth and
greed.

What about his wallet?

He has a Sam's Club card that I'm very
fond of.

Wait, you have Sam's Club on your
planet?

Yes, and a new Sonic that must be open
by now.

Look. I just can't drop everything and
go chasing after evil aliens with you.

Are you not sworn to uphold the law and
protect the innocent citizens and the

hat -wearing country music stars of this
city?

Well, yes.

I saw on my 52 -inch cosmic plasma
screen that I purchased from Sam's Club

you saved country music singer Kenny
Chesney's life.

Okay, then that was a mistake.

If you do not help me defeat Vicious, he
will destroy the Earth piece by piece

until he finds me. I am not strong
enough to defeat him alone.

What can I do to persuade you?

If you'd like, I will kiss you
passionately again on the lips.

Whoa, whoa there, Smurfette.

Look, I'll help you, but under one
condition.

Yes, anything you say.

Let me borrow that Sam's card. They have
these amazing Alaskan red king crab

legs that are out of this world.

Yes, it is a deal.

Uh -uh -uh.

I told you about that stuff.

Sorry.

How did I ever let that bimbo talk me
into this? I've taken on some pretty

characters, but never a space alien.

Seriously, tell him what kind of space
cooties he's got.

And that breath.

Ugh.

You move slowly, thong girl.

I have already stopped along the way and
had intercourse with two of your

prominent males.

Well, make that one and a half.

One was a singer named Kenny Chesney,
and he was not interested in females.

I had to artificially inseminate myself
with his sperm.

Okay,

that's a little too much information,
Zelda.

Any sign of vicious?

None. What makes you think he would look
for us here?

Well,

it's just a hunch, but...

This is the last place he saw us
together, and it's the tallest building

city. Ah, good idea.

Thong girl, why do you display your
breasts so prominently?

Is this desirable to human males?

Hmm, well, as a matter of fact, Zolta,
it is.

Men like girls with a lot of cleavage.

There's an old saying here on Earth.

Use it or lose it. Which basically
means, if you got it, flaunt it.

Women are very competitive for men's
attention.

You have to use what the good Lord gave
you.

Some women have pretty faces.

Some are really intelligent. And some
have killer bodies.

I have all these things.

I shall do well here on your planet.

And you're modest, too.

Uh -oh.

We have company.

Welcome to my ship, ladies.

Do not struggle, for resistance is
futile.

You are being suspended by the Omni
Synchrometer.

Your bodies have been rendered helpless,
and you are now my prisoners.

Do you know why you've been brought
here, Doctor?

You would like your Sam's card back?

Sexy and funny.

It will be my pleasure torturing you and
having my way with you.

Again.

You had sex with Cream?

Well, not exactly. He had, how do you
say, erectile cone

dysfunction.

That is a lie. My cone was not properly
stimulated.

You did not pay the required cone plunks
for total cone stimulation.

I was only two conk plucks short.

You could have cut me a deal.

Damn it, Jim. I'm a prostitute, not a
lending institution.

A bit of humor from your television show
called Star Trek.

I've grown very fond of this.

You bought a television with my Sam's
Club card, didn't you?

No matter. You will pay for ridiculing
me and for stealing the amulet.

Do you know what power that amulet
possesses?

I know I can transport myself through
time and space.

I control human male sexual desire.

I have had intercourse with many men
since I have arrived, with little

resistance.

And you are proud of this?

I am carrying out the mission for which
I was sent by the elders.

I am giving the Zoltans a chance to live
on long after our planet dies.

I care nothing for our planet, and I
care nothing for your planet either,

Girl. Now, you will give me the amulet,
or I will torture and rape you both.

Over my dead body.

This is an acceptable form of
gratification.

I have no problem with that.

Let the human female go. She has brought
me here as you have requested. You have

no more need of her.

Yes, but I am intrigued by her human
yaklock.

I think I'll have a closer look.

Two can play at that game, Vicious.

No one removes my thong but me.

You will regret that thong, girl. And
Zolta, you will give me that amulet.

I am finished with the tool group, you
will both be begging for mercy.

Now, the Omni Synchrometer will
rearrange your molecular structure.

Time for your spin cycle, lady.

Swim, little fishy.

Will Thongirl and Zolta break free from
the clutches of the evil alien Vicious?

Will Zolta give birth to a whole new
race of Zoltanese on planet Earth,

Kitty Chesney's low sperm count?

Will Vicious get his Sam's Club card
back?

Tune in next time for another exciting
adventure of Thongirl vs. Zolta from

Outer Space.

Swim, little fishies.

Had

enough,

ladies? Is that all you've got, Vicious?

Oh, no, Thong girl. There's plenty more
where that came from.

Perhaps we can negotiate.

I am prepared to give you back your
Sam's Flip card.

And I will attempt to stimulate your
cone once again.

You don't have to bargain with this
creep, Zolta.

It is all right, thong girl. Where I am
from, I am known for giving the best

blue job on my planet.

Men seldom leave unsatisfied.

You will include the amulet.

Only then will I release you.

You have one Earth Hour to decide.

In the meantime, I will go and sharpen
the tip of my cone in anticipation of

your services.

What are we going to do now?

Vicious will be back soon.

I have a plan, Thong Girl.

Awesome! I'm all ears.

I have a plan, Thong Girl.

Why are you yelling?

You said that you were all ears.

Just an expression.

It means you have my full attention?

You earthlings are very strange.

So what's your plan?

I have been studying your ass laser and
calculating the amount of energy that is

released from your sphincter.

I believe that if you fire your laser at
the exact same time as I release my

electrical rays, we can disable the
force field that joins us together.

Then we can combine our energies and
overpower Vicious.

Okay, so what then?

Then I will be free to summon the power
of the amulet and beam Vicious into

space, where he will spend the rest of
his days floating aimlessly through the

cosmos.

Sounds like a great idea.

I think we can do this. Ready to try it?
I am ready.

Release your laser.

We did it, Delta.

High five.

Kirk, I should have known you would try
to combine your powers. But still, you

are no match for me.

I am Vicious, Lord of the Universe.

You forget, Lord Vicious, that I hold
the power of the amulet.

But you do not properly know how to use
it, Zoltan. You see, without the secret

code, you cannot unleash its full
potential.

What you do not know, Vicious, is during
our very brief sexual encounter,

when you were sleeping, I forewarned the
Zoltan mine for too long. And extracted

the code from you.

That is when you stole the amulet and my
wallet.

You are a low -down koopar, Zolta.

I know you are. But what am I?

Good one, Zolta.

That's a pretty powerful little amulet
you have there. I am just beginning to

unleash its full potential.

Hmm.

Maybe you could use it to beam me back
to Earth.

This has been a lot of fun in Azulta,
but I really need to get back to my

Just think of all the crimes that have
been committed since I've been here.

I've really got my work cut out for me.

What just happened?

I believe we have been propelled through
a wormhole.

What does that mean?

According to my calculations, we have
traveled three and one half parsecs from

our previous location. This is the
equivalent of 3 .258 light years.

In English, please.

We will not be returning to your planet
anytime soon, Thong Girl. You had best

make yourself comfortable.

Well, I always said I'd like to do some
more traveling.

Just think of all the wonderful alien
races we'll encounter here in space.

As they say on your human Disney
channel, which I have seen on my 52

plasma screen, whoop -dee -doo.

Come on, Zolta.

It'll be fun.

We'll team up together and save the
universe.

Why, you and me together, we'll be a
great team. Just think of all the bad

we'll put away.

Very well, Thong Girl. I will become
your crime -fighting partner.

Maybe then you will kiss me passionately
on the lips.

Hmm. Well, you never know what might
happen in outer space.

One thing first, though.

We've got to get you a new costume.

So we look more like a team and all.

I will work on that, thong girl.

Great. Now let's go see what's out
there.

Disarm yourself, human.

That's not a real gun.

Tune in next time for another exciting
adventure of... Long Girl vs. Volta from

Outer Space.

Like a virgin.

for the very first time feel so good

inside like a virgin

with your heartbeat next to mine like

a virgin feel so good inside

like a virgin

With your heartbeat.

Thong Girl. Next to mine.

Thong Girl.

I've made some modifications to the
ship's neurosystem, which I believe will

make it more efficient.

That's a great idea, Zilta.

I'd like to be back on Earth in time to
watch the latest episode of The

Bachelorette. Thong Girl, do not get
your hopes up as to getting home anytime

soon. According to my...

Calculations, we are four and a half
light years from Earth.

This translates into 24 trillion miles
from your home.

How can that be? Why, just the other day
I was practicing law and getting a cut

and curl from my pal Andy Andrew,
hairdresser to the dog.

Potty pooper, potty pooper, everybody
needs a pooper that...

We have passed through a wormhole which
has propelled us a great distance in a

short time.

Most wormholes are uncharted and lead to
unknown territories in space.

We are likely to encounter many strange
and unique species on our journey home.

Hmm.

Do you think there are any good -looking
fellas up here looking for a wife?

I'm not getting any younger, you know.

It's hard to find a man where I'm from.

Guys on Earth are all intimidated by me
on account of my special talent.

Do you mean your ability to fire lasers
from your anal glands?

Yeah, that.

Phone girl, does this not make you
unique?

Well, yeah.

I guess it does.

Is this not a good thing?

What do you mean?

On my planet, we are all the same.

The women serve the same function.

All the men have the same occupation.

We all look alike. We are all blue.

And the men all have protruding cranium.

Yeah, I guess that does sound kind of
boring.

On Earth, we all come in different
shapes and sizes and colors.

And we all do a variety of jobs.

Speaking of jobs, how's that repair
coming?

We are ready to go.

I will just activate the warp core, and
you will immediately notice the ship's

improved performance.

Damn it, Jim.

I... I know.

You're a prostitute, not a mechanic.

We've heard that one before, Zolta.

Jokes are generally only funny the first
time. Ah, a lesson in comedy.

Very useful phone, girl.

Any suggestions of what to do now?

Hmm.

Let's see if I get cell service up here.

Awesome! Thank God for Al Gore and the
Internet.

Let me just Google... base mechanics.

Uh...

Here's one.

Sal's Auto and Spaceship Repair.

We come to you so you can go to them.

I like that.

Let me just call him.

Hello, Sal.

We're in need of your special services.

We're two hot females stranded in space.

Can you come?

Great. See you soon.

What did he say?

He says he has no trouble coming.

He's going to bring his special tool.

You sounded kind of cute.

Maybe you will make a love connection,
thong girl.

I wish to have my cone stimulated.

Two hundred bucks an hour.

Do you take conk blocks?

Sure.

This is the most stimulating human
female.

Your jetpack.

It's most pleasurable.

Oh, your cone is so big.

Oh, yeah.

Give it to me.

I do not know what is wrong.

This has never happened before.

Well, ladies, it doesn't seem to be that
complicated.

The conductors on your bioelectric
generator seem to be a little rusty.

Nothing a little WD -40 and elbow grease
can't fix.

Looks like it's been a while since your
ship's been serviced.

As a matter of fact, it's been a while
since my crotch rocket's had a blue job.

What do you say we take this out and
trade?

This is an acceptable offer.

Okay, I can get this fixed.

Hey, Zolta, I wonder if there's going to
be a full moon tonight?

Oh, funny phone girl.

I will attempt some humor as well.

Sal, the mechanic, awoke at the crack of
dawn this morning.

I'm not bad, Zolta.

Looks like you're catching on.

Well, that should do it.

Now, how about that blue jar?

Thank you.

Thank you.

We have encountered a space beacon
approximately 14 ,000 kilometers from

ship. I suggest we investigate.

What kind of beacon, Delta?

I believe it is a distress signal, but I
am not familiar with this particular

species.

Hmm.

Let's hear it. Can you put it up on the
main speakers?

I will attempt to do so.

Sounds like they're in trouble.

I think we should go check it out.

I will walk over.

By the way, I was watching you up in the
cargo area last night.

What was that dance all about?

That is what is known as a conchie
block.

It is my way to stay in tune with my
heritage, much the same way you

go to church and worship.

When I move in this way, I feel at one
with my creator.

And it sends healing vibrations to my
opulence.

Your what?

My offspring.

Those are your eggs?

As I explained earlier, it is my mission
to propagate my species on Earth or a

similar environment.

That dance was really sexy.

Phone girl, would you like me to kiss
you now?

Um, no, no, no, no.

What I mean is, that was a really
sensual way of moving.

Like I told you, I'm into boys.

I am into boys, too.

But you are a very attractive female
phone girl.

If I were to ever desire a female, you
would be a likely candidate.

Thanks, I think.

I am Zen Markov from Mizar 5.

You have entered the forbidden zone.

You will surrender immediately and
relinquish your ship or die.

Thong Girl, you wanted an adventure.

I believe that we have found one.

Great.

See you next time for another exciting
adventure of...

Long world versus Volta from outer
space.