Original subtitles

- Oh, look, Gogglebox is on. - Hungry for tea, Nutty?

In the week that started with a Monday

and ended with a Sunday, we enjoyed some new strange telly.

Dave. Come on.

- Good boy. - There he goes.

Good boy.

- What we watching, then? - Probably some shit.

Probably some shit.

- Never heard of it. - No. Never heard of it.

Told ya.

Oh, not this bloody show again. I quite like it.

We meet grieving Chi, whose auntie's just died.

But at least she still gets to have a natter

with her dead parents. Aww!

- What's this, then, Nutty? - I don't know, Nutty.

It's very depressing, however.

I saw a ghost once, in the bath, washing me back.

- You what? When was that? - Don't know.

- Was it naked? - Don't know. See-through. - Oh.

Later she decides to take on therapy.

- Wait. Are we on Gogglebox? - Hold on.

- Are they watching us? - OK, now I'm confused.

- Are we watching them watch us? - I don't know.

I don't get it. Have you put something in our coffee, Lee?

I haven't touched your coffee, you daft woman!

- That's not us. - It is. - It's not. Oh, it is!

Yeah. Have a look. When did we do that?

- When did we do that? - I don't know.

Are we watching them watching us?

- Is that us? - What are we doing on the telly?

Wait, is this live? Look, there's a dog.

- Oh, yeah. - Wait, who was that? - Did you just...?

- Dave, did you just talk? - Dave, did you just...?

Wait, say something else.

- Say something. - Say something else.

Talk to us.

- Nothing. - Oh.

- In another scene... - Never mind.

..Ruth gets cosy with Dave...

- Ooh! - Romance.

- Turn it off. - Look at him. He's a right shagger.

- Turn it off! - Not as much as you!

- Ah! - Bastard!

You bastard!

..Dave is overcome with guilt.

Oh, God! What have I done?!

Don't even...look at me! God!

Wait, Dad. Don't go.

I want to know what it's like.

- It's kicking off, innit? - See what they've done?

SIGHS

Is she thick or what?

Don't say that. No, she's not thick. She's just blind.

She's not bloody blind. She's thick!

I wonder what on earth is wrong with her, Mary.

I think she just needs to grow up, Nutty.

- She needs to grow up. - I know. - You need to grow up.

I've been saying it for ages. She needs to grow up.

- Grow up, Nutty. - What, me, Nutty? Or you, Nutty?

- Or her, Nutty? - She needs to grow up. - She needs to grow up.

- You need to grow up. - You need to grow up.

She just needs to grow up.

Why are the Goggle buggers telling me to grow up?

# A perfect world... #

I need to grow up now.

So...

..you're going to have to die.

- Be quiet. - Make sure she doesn't see you.

Have we forgotten anything?

- I'm nervous. - Yeah, I am... I am a bit scared.

I mean, what if there's nothing out there?

- W-W-What if we just end? - We don't know.

Because ghosts, they haunt houses.

- They don't haunt outside. - We don't know, Terry. We don't know!

- Well, you...you go first. - No, we go together like we planned.

Ooh, I forgot my charger!

- No, I packed it. - Will you lower your voice?

Look, are you sure we're doing the right thing?

- This isn't living, Terry. - Well, of course it's not living.

- We're dead. - I need to leave this house.

Even if it kills us properly this time.

Can I tempt you to stay a bit longer with a bit of brat?

Hmm?

- Why are you wearing all those coats? - Um...

Can you... See if there was... It was cold outside.

- But you're inside. - Which is... - We...

- We were going to pop out for a bit. - What's going on here?

But, yeah, it's fine. If you do go out,

just remember, it is fucking freezing out there.

- It's like Iceland. - Ooh, someone's doing well.

- Learning about new countries. - She's talking about the supermarket.

Yeah. You know, as soon as I said it, I realised.

Please, Chi, please grow up. I am begging you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, gosh! Someone's coming.

Where are you going? Where are you...?

See, this is why no-one believes me when I say that I can see you.

- How's Dave? Have you seen him? - No. Why?

Oh, no reason.

I definitely didn't sleep with him.

I thought I was coming to you today.

Urgh... I might have slept with him a little,

a little bit but, you know,

sent him off into a downward spiral of regret,

- like Karen. - Oh, yeah, he did,

he did say you did something terrible together,

but I just assumed you'd gone to Margate.

I think I might have triggered him, actually.

I just don't want the NHS to find out.

They... They'll strike me off.

Harold Shipman.

- Yeah. Are you OK? - Yes!

This is your last free session, actually.

So I should ask you, how are you,

and are you still seeing your dead parents?

Well, you just missed them, actually.

I mean, you just haven't taken any

of my therapy on board at all, have you?

I think we should focus on something big, OK?

- Really make it count. - Yeah.

You know, I think what we should do is...we should...

Yeah.

- Have you got any ideas? - Trick or treating?

That's what I would go and do

because it's my happiest memory of my parents.

- I've had an amazing idea. - Oh! What?

- I'm taking you trick or treating. - CHI GASPS

You're hanging on to your childhood.

The grief is preventing you from growing up.

It's stopping you from maturing and becoming an independent adult.

Sorry, I don't understand it when you talk all Shakespearean.

- You're a toddler with pubes. - Oh, OK.

That makes sense, yeah.

- Trick or treat. - No, thanks. - Can you...

- Can you just give her something, please? - No, it's not Halloween.

DOOR SLAMS

- Oh, look, here they are. - Oh, God! You invited them?

- What did you invite them for? - Because I didn't want to walk.

Look at us. All grown up. I'm a...I'm a bank robber.

Come to steal your childhood and, uh...

Yeah.

- Dad, it's Ruth. - Yeah, yeah, I know who she is.

Um...and I can see...

I know her well, and I can see all of her there.

I can see her there so... Shall we just go trick or treating?

- Shall we? Shall we? - Yeah. I know, let's go trick or treating. Yeah?

- Yeah, let's go trick or treating, yeah. - Yeah, definitely.

- Yes! - Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah. - Are you guys all right?

- Well... - Yeah, yeah, fine. - Yes. We're all fine.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Right. Well, we've done here,

- so shall we just get in the van? - Yeah, let's... - Yeah, definitely.

Where to?

- Stop here. - What?

Wow. Stu, look. It's the Addams Family.

- We're not the Addams Family! - I'm Ricky Gervais

from the Golden Globe show.

And I'm an interpretation of what blindness looks like.

- I'm Dave. - He has IBS.

Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Please stop here.

- Trick or treat. - It's the wrong day. - I'm Ricky Gervais.

Right. I need to go home, lay down and look at pictures of Karen.

- Not in a pervy way. - Before we leave, can we stop at my lawyer's place?

- Because he'll be so pleased to know I've grown up. - Yeah, definitely.

- Right. But can we make that the last one? - Yeah.

- OK. - We'll just do a few more on the way, though.

I can't take much more of this.

I think my lawyer's going to be really excited to see us.

Trick or tr...

- What's this? - Who are you?

HE LAUGHS

- Very good. Addams Family, yes? - Oh! We're not the Addams Family.

- Is my lawyer here? - Yeah.

- Come in for photo? - Absolutely, yeah. - Please. Where do you want us?

- Do we have to? - I... Come on.

- I thought this was Adam's house. - Adam! Bring camera.

- Addams Family here. - Dad, I've put all your pills in daily order.

- Remember, T is for Tuesday, yeah? Not for tomorrow. - Oh, there he is!

- What the hell are you all doing here? - Adam, language.

- All right, Adam, mate? - This your friends?

No, no. No, no, no, no. Like, you... This can't be happening.

- You have to leave. - So lovely to meet Adam's family finally.

No, you Addams Family.

No, you're Adam's family.

No, you Addams Family.

- No, you're Adam's family. - You're both right, yeah.

No. # Duh-duh-duh-duh! #

Oh, God!

For the last time, WE are not the Addams Family,

you stupid old fucker!

- Potato, potato. Please come. - Well, not after that.

Don't invite them in after that. Don't follow him.

You for coffee or cup Yorkshire tea?

- He's not having tea either. - Yes, please. - Sugar?

Don't offer them any drinks.

- Where are you going? - Sorry, what about the treats?

Oh, fill bucket.

- If you need another bucket, ask Adam. - No, don't fill the...

Don't fill the bucket.

I haven't got any other buckets. Do not put...

Do... Look at me. Do... Look at me.

Do not put anything in that bucket. Dad... Dad!

Don't...

Dave's not right. I can't get through to him at all.

- I feel like the only person who can fix him is Karen. - Mm.

Well, you could always try and sort of conjure her up...

- Hmm? - ..in a seance.

- That's what I'd do. - That's a stupid idea.

- You could talk to her face-to-face then. - What...

What... Do you think he'd believe that?

Well, who wouldn't believe it?

And the elephant.

I can't believe I'm finally in your house. Amazing.

Look, my dad's really sick. You can't be here.

Who are you? Are you the new adult?

I'm in charge of Chi's mental health.

All you need to do, Adam...

- Is it OK if I call you Adam? - Yeah, it's my name.

OK. So all you need to do, Adam,

is tell Chi that you respect her as an adult,

which will free her from her childhood

and stop her from seeing her dead parents.

Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, I can't do that. - Hmm? - Why not?

Well, I mean, because I don't respect her.

And honestly, this isn't helping your case.

- Well, can't you just lie? - No. - Why? - Because you're a lawyer.

- I'm a solicitor and, no... - You're a solicit...

- You said he was a lawyer. - That's what he presented himself as.

- A solicitor's much worse than a lawyer. - It is not.

It is exactly the same. It's an interchangeable term.

It's not the same. OK, well,

it looks like in the eyes of the law, you're just not an adult.

- Sorry, mate. - I give up.

RUTH SCOFFS

Having a cuppa?

So...how long you two been married?

- Oh, God. - Oh. - Um...no.

Ruth is just a woman in...kitchen, in a kitchen.

A woman in a kitchen?

What a lovely photo. I wonder if that's his family.

Shit.

Shit.

I've got water in my eyes. Excuse me.

He's heartbroken. His horrible wife died.

Then he slept with a beautiful therapist and can't forgive himself.

- As a guy to a guy... - No, I'm not a guy. - No, Dave's the guy.

Oh. Hey. Cheer up. Look, I'm getting loads in my bucket.

I just... I don't even know if all this is being grown up.

Of course it is. You've got a beard and everything.

What's... Right. You need to stop.

- This is stealing. - Adam, mate, it's for Chi's mental health. Remember,

all her family are dead. Do you remember that?

- I don't understand. Your dad's so happy we're here. - Right.

He's very ill, isn't he? So...

As a widower, I understand.

You never get over it.

We all got to go sometime, to make room for the young ones.

Sorry, what? What are you on about? Can you shut up, actually?

I'm trying to think.

C-Can you stop?

That's not even trick or treating, that's theft!

Look, please, put it back. My dad really...

Right. You all need to leave my house now!

I've had a brilliant idea.

We're going to be staying a lot longer.

- So, if you'd like to take a seat. - Ooh, wow! Candles?

- Chopping board, cheese triangle - is this a seance? - Oh, for fuck's sake.

- This was my idea. - I'm sorry.

We shouldn't mess with the dark arts.

It's just a little mental exercise.

A form of cognitive behavioural therapy.

I just feel like some of us are carrying a lot of dead weight, Dave,

- that needs releasing. - Yeah, well,

I remember seeing a documentary where a guy played this.

He got trapped inside with a load of monkeys.

He couldn't escape until he rolled a six, so...

Right. Well, this is very different. Please take a seat.

- I used to like a good board game. - Yeah, well,

- I'm pretty sure this isn't snakes and ladders. - This will help.

Can everyone close their eyes, please?

I can...

I can feel something already.

Yeah, it's the tumble dryer.

I used to do this all the time when I was a kid,

you know, this. But weirdly,

I only got through to Carol Vorderman.

- She's not even dead, Chi, so... - Yeah, it was strange.

Hold the circle tight and don't let go.

Take my hand.

Hello, spirits. Welcome.

Please, come inside me.

- Don't say that. - Consonant, please, Carol.

RUTH GROANS

RUTH MUMBLES

That's not Vorderman.

RUTH BARKS

- Oh! - Come in.

Let yourselves be known to the room.

All you need to do is let us know who you're here for.

All right, spirits? Um...yeah.

Let us know who you are, spirits. Do not be afraid.

K...A...

..R...

- Karaoke. - No, it's an E. - Yeah, karaoke. - It's an E.

- Yeah, karaoke. - Oh! Get off! Get off!

RUTH GROANS

Is it my wife? Ask if it's Shri.

No, it's not your wife, no.

RUTH GROWLS

Take your shoes off before you come in.

Don't speak with your mouth full. Lose weight.

- It's Shri. - It's not Mum. Jesus Christ.

- Tell her I lost three pounds. - Look, it's not your fucking wife.

OK. I think it...

Yeah, it might be. Oh, she wants to say something to you.

- Uh... Oh! Hello, dear. - Hello, dear. - Love you.

- Love you too. - Love you. - Miss you.

- Proud of you, Gordon. - My name's Adam.

It's... OK. It's someone else now coming in, anyway.

Adam is a solicitor, Shri.

- Boring. - I hate my life. - Oh, she's doing a dance.

She's doing the Irish jig.

- Who is it? - Fuck off, Chi! Fuck off, Chi! - Oh! - Fuck off, Chi!

Oh, my God! Auntie Karen!

Auntie Karen, you're here, finally. Oh, my God.

Thanks for all the debt. How's it going as a hoover?

- Karen, is that really you? - Yeah, it is, Dave.

- Yes, it's me, Karen. - It's me, Chi, from, um...

..your sister.

I just... I've been doing my list, I wondered if...

Are you proud of me?

RUTH GRUNTS

Is there something you wanted to say to me, Dave?

Um... It's just, it's a hard one.

- I haven't been doing the recycling. - No, it isn't that, is it, Dave?

I'm also here, by the way. I just wondered if you was proud of me.

What's the other thing that you wanted to say, Dave?

It's really hard. I don't think I can say it.

Say it. Just fucking say it.

It's... I... I can't. It's just... It's just...

- It's just terrible. - Terrible? Rude.

- Go on, Dave! Say it! - Go on. - Whatever it is, I'll forgive you.

- It'll be fine and then you can move on. - You can...

- ..say anything to Karen. - I can't. - You need to move on.

- Say it! - For fuck's sake, Dave, just say it.

Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it!

- Fucking say it! - Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it!

Say it! Say it!

- Adam, look what you've done. - Dad?

- Dave! - Dad?

- Oh, shit. - Dad?

Dad. Dad?

45 minutes for an ambulance?!

He could be dead by then.

DAVE MOANS

No, nothing.

DAVE SOBS

Karen...

I don't know what... I don't know what's happening.

- I feel like Karen's sucking me in! - Can any of you drive?

- I can. - I can. - Obviously not you, Chi. - Yes.

Yes, Chi. Yes!

- Chi. - What? - Yes.

- Me? - Shush! - Sorry. - Yeah. - Yes. You can drive.

- Can I? - Yes.

This can be your moment to prove that you've become an adult

because of my therapy. And then... And then I won't get struck off.

- Oh, God, yeah. Maybe I CAN do this. - You CAN do this.

- OK. - Oh, thank God. Come. - Stay awake.

Keep breathing.

- Start driving the car. - OK. - Five, six.

Five, six, seven. Come on now. Stay with me, OK?

- Stay with me. - Chi, we need to get going.

- Vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom, bitch! - Oh, Charli XCX.

What's wrong, brat?

- My uncle. - Well, sitting here talking to me

- is not going to help him. - What do I do, then?

You need to turn the engine on.

Oh. OK. How do I do that?

Well, do you have a key?

- Yeah. - Wait, do you actually? - Yeah. - This is your big brat girl moment.

Just drive.

You know what? You're right. OK.

ENGINE STARTS

- This is my big brat moment. - Is it?

Well, let's fucking have that moment, then, shall we?

No-one's dying tonight. No-one's fucking dying tonight!

- Hear that, Dad? - Handbrake. Handbrake!

Handbrake!

Oh, we don't need the wipers on,

because it's not raining. Yeah, so take them off.

I think just back up a little bit. No, back up! Not forward.

- What's forward? - It's all right, keep calm.

Yep.

BEEPS HORN

That's it. Nice and easy.

Turn the wipers off, maybe? Just watch that pillar there.

Maybe back up a little bit.

That way. Yeah. And then...

Are we there yet?!

This isn't going to end well.

It's your fault, Adam.

Von Dutch by Charli XCX

Come on, Dad. Stay with me, OK? Stay with me.

Just go faster. He's going to die!

I really regret doing the seance now.

I don't know why you made me do that.

- Is the patient breathing? - Oh, no, I can't breathe. I need some gas.

Yeah. I'll do it, yeah? I'll do mouth-to-mouth.

- No, you don't need to. - I'm not risking it.

- You're not... You're not... No. - You don't need to.

No, no... Don't...

Brake!

No! Jesus! No!

CARS BEEP

Is he still breathing?

- Can I just check, was I meant to use tongue? - Absolutely not. - Oh.

- It's good to know for next time. - There's a roundabout coming up.

- Slow down, slow down, slow down! - Go faster! - Faster? OK. - Faster?!

Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus Christ! Can you drive?!

You really seem like you can't drive!

- I had one lesson. - Oh! Holy fuck! Oh, my God!

OK. It's fine, it's fine. This is good therapy.

Not to the right. Stay in the middle.

Stay in the middle. Yes, I can write a book about this.

It's fine. Watch the man!

Off the pavement! To the right. Oh! Fucking hell!

Come on, Dad! You're OK.

Turn! Watch the car!

No, the car!

CAR HORN BEEPS

SCREAMING THEY CRY OUT

This side. THIS side!

Not into the field.

Chi! Not into the field!

Come on, Dad, do not die. Just don't die, OK?

- What's happening? - Oh, my God. Just slow down. Slow down.

- Get out. - Jesus Christ.

SHE COUGHS

SHE RETCHES

OK...

Is there a restart button?

Oh, shit.

We are not going to be able to fix this.

We need to call the AA, OK?

We haven't got any signal, Chi.

Love you, son. And I love Chi.

I love Ruth. Only as a friend.

Finally, remember...

Don't buy leather, because it's made of...

Human ham.

Yes.

Please, Dad. We're losing him, please, do something!

Please do something! You're a doctor!

OK, we're going to have to push it.

- I have to go! - Chi!

Chi!

It's not working. We're going to have to push the van.

Help! Help!

- Hello! - You all right, Chi?

What?

What are you doing here?

We're just enjoying the space!

Turns out we could have left the whole time.

Feel a bit silly now.

Do you know if Dave's going to make it?

What? The channel?

No, my uncle has just had a heart attack.

Chi, it's not Dave's time yet.

- Well, it might be. - Yeah, it might be.

I just said it in that voice to make you feel better.

We are so proud of you.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't have time for this!

- I'm running! - Look at your dad!

Oh, he's gone.

CHI SCREAMS

Help! Help!

Help!

Help! Oh, my God, help!

Help. Hello?

Oh! Help!

Stop! Help!

Yes, stop!

- What's wrong? - Get out!

- I'll fucking... What do you...? - Get out!

What's wrong? What's happened?

I did a seance and my uncle put up a chair!

- Trick or treat! - Get out of my car! What's the...?

- Sorry, I need to save my uncle! - What the fuck?

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Excuse me, nurse, do you know if my dad's OK?

Dave is going to be fine, OK? So, just...

If Dave does die and we...

Do you think you could be our mum?

If I go to prison for manslaughter,

I'm going to blame you.

Sorry, Mum.

- Are you family? - Is his heart broken?

Is he not coming back?

It's too soon to tell.

I heard you drove him here.

Your friends at school will be very impressed.

Thank you.

How old are you?

- 23. - 25.

I was in the van as well.

Oh.

Right.

I'm 47.

Excuse me, can I...?

Dave.

- Dave, you're OK. - All right, Chi?

I don't know what happened.

You had a...a big, like, massive heart attack

at my lawyer's dad's house.

- And you spoke to Karen. - Well...

..I guess everything's going to be OK.

Oh, great. That's brilliant.

- Let's go, then. Come on. - Well...

..I can't leave.

Why? Going to miss You've Been Framed.

I just wanted to come back to say...

..you'll all be fine.

And I'm OK.

OK, well, let's go, then. Because we've not got a lot of time.

Wait, hold on...

Wait, what...

- Everything... - No, no, no, Dave. Dave, Dave, Dave.

- I can't go with you. - Wake up! Dave! - I can't go with you.

- Come on! - I just can't...

Wake up! Dave, no!

Dave! Dave! Dave, wake up!

- Dave! - I'm fine, I'm fine.

- I thought you were a ghost. - No, no, I'm fine.

What do you remember?

- Nothing, I was just... - Chi.

Did you steal a car?

Huh?

Hmm?

I'm going to have to arrest you.

Oh...

Freed From Desire by Gala

# Freed from desire, mind and senses purified

# Freed from desire, mind and senses purified

# Freed from desire, mind and senses purified

# Freed from desire

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na, na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na

# Na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na, na-na.#

Hello!

Oh...

Does anybody know the way to Broadstairs?

Oh, this was a shit idea.

What about an Uber?

I don't... Do they accept...

..ghosts?

Yeah.

I guess we'll have to... have to walk.

- It's annoying we can't float. - Yeah.

Why did Chi have a beard?