Original subtitles

- Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance. - One, two, three and four.

Don't say "dance." One, two, three.

I can't count and do it because it's two different sides of the brain.

Dance, dance...

And in and round and finish!

Do not clap that, Chi. It's like dancing with an upright freezer.

She just gets nasty because the instructor used to fancy me.

- He had a wife. - You're both just such a perfect match.

It's like knowing a Twix.

You know, if I was going to die again in a horrific car accident,

I'd do it next to your mother.

Oh! That's so sweet.

Your dad's right, you know.

If I died alone, I would have ended up killing myself.

Do you think I've got to worry about dying alone?

- Oh, God, yes. - Massively so.

You should be having sleepless nights about it, darling.

Why do you think we put it so high up on the list?

Yeah. With your lack of survival skills

and the rate that ours are dying off,

you're going to need someone to provide for you.

But how am I supposed to find someone out there

in this crazy goddamn messed up world?

Cast your net as wide as possible. You can't afford to be picky.

Before your mother met me, she slept with everybody -

short people, Welsh people, a surprisingly attractive person,

and then, eventually, she found her level.

- Aw! - You know, you sometimes say things

that make me really want to attack you.

I am just trying to give our her daughter advice

in this crazy goddamn messed up world.

- Find a life partner. - Find a life partner!

Find a life partner.

At this stage, anybody.

Kenneth, please, I'm begging you, brother.

- I'm so grateful for this job. - Yes, you said.

It has been my dream to work in the cinema

ever since I found out you could work in the cinema.

We've done this four times already, Lucas.

Think of my family. They're in paralysing debt.

I need this. I can't afford to get sacked, Kenneth.

Lucas! I just asked how you was getting on with the till.

There's no need for all this fuss.

Oh. Yeah, good, thanks.

Sorry. I think the pressure's getting to me a little bit.

Yeah. Just breathe, Lucas, all right?

It's going to be all right.

Now, things are going to get a little bit hectic this afternoon

because we've got a lot of matinees on.

- OK. - And if you let me down, I'm going to go down on you.

I mean, I'm sorry, I'm going to come on you.

No, I'm not! There's going to be a shitload of bricks.

- Just say you understand. - I understand.

- No, say, "I understand, Kenneth." - I understand, Kenneth.

I didn't say it like that, did I?

I understand, Kenneth.

As you were.

I won't let you down, OK?

My family's in debt, so please don't sack me.

"Do you understand, Kenneth?"

"Do you understand, Kenneth?"

Excuse me, are you going to die soon?

- And if you are, do you mind if I join? - What?

I just don't want to die on my own.

Fit. Fun. Fit. Fish.

There you go. Thank you.

I've got a very wide net, just so you know.

You can sort of all share me if you'd like.

- What? - Have a go. - Share you?

That's a big fish.

Hi. Fancy having a go on me?

If you don't mind spreading the word as well,

just with all your other neon friends.

You doing it now?

Do...? No, no.

Yeah, no, I mean, I'm happy to pay, but I'm just not that into camping.

Don't go. Just, well, one of these?

Why are we running?

Oh. You all right?

Yeah. How's it going working full-time?

Yeah, it's good, thanks.

I mean, I barely know what I'm doing. I'm hanging on by a thread.

But other than that, it's just pure magic.

Yeah. Do you know if, erm, people ever come in here?

- Sorry, people? - Yeah. - Er, yeah, sometimes. Why?

No, it's just, erm I'm trying to find a life partner,

so I'm just working my way through everyone humanly possible.

- Oh, OK. - Oh, brother!

- Wow, who's that? - No, no, Chi, that's my boss, OK?

So please don't...

Excuse me. Could you fill up my phone with your numbers?

Sorry, what? Did you just say you want my number?

- Yeah. - Er...

Mm. Can I, er, ask how old you are, please?

Er, older than I look, younger than I feel.

In numbers?

Er, somewhere between 21 and 23.

That's 22.

You could say that.

Yeah, Chi, you don't have to go for everyone, you know,

like...like my boss, for example. You don't have to go for my boss.

It's Quality Street, not Quantity Street, right?

- Remember that. - Thanks. I'll send you something lovely.

Oh!

Wow!

- Thanks for coming, everyone. - Sorry I'm late.

Er, I was under the impression it was just the two of us.

- MURMURINGS OF DISCONTENT - What's going on?

OK. Now, you're all here

because you have one of the top three qualities

I actually look for in a person,

which are houses, faces, and pockets.

And I just want you to be reassured that,

even though we only met this afternoon,

this journey will stay with me for ever.

Fuck this shit.

Now, I actually have a fuck ton of love to give,

so I will be looking for it back in return, erm...

Forget it.

Wow. It's really hard for me to be vulnerable right now.

I feel like sort of Bonnie Blue.

I don't want to do this on my own any more, OK?

You know, and if it were up to me,

I'd choose all of you right here, right now.

- What do you mean, choose? - And up to you?

What? Oh!

Oh, OK.

OK. It's time for me to make the hardest decision of my life.

This is the point where you both give me something, obviously.

Don't eat them all at once, yeah? You'll be messed up for days.

Oh, nice. Thanks.

I'm really sorry. I actually don't have anything

because I was in a bit of a rush to get here

because of your text, truth be known.

It said, "Emergency car park fucking hurry."

But I didn't know where the comma was.

You know, whether it was like,

"Emergency, comma, car park, comma, fucking hurry,"

or whether it was like,

"Emergency car park fucking, comma, hurry."

But whichever way round it was,

I could give you unlimited popcorns, fizzy drinks...

- Oh, he wins, yeah. Sorry. - What? What a tease.

Sorry, mate.

Can I just say, I actually find you very... Phwoar!

- Yeah. - So what happens now?

Well, our journey begins. See you tomorrow.

INAUDIBLE

# One, two, three, four

# Let me hear you scream if you want some more

# Like, uh, push it, push it, watch me work it

# I'm perfect, one, two, three... #

Girl's on fire!

# Like, uh, push it, push it, watch me work it

# I'm perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect

# That's right, I'm a superstar

# Everybody wanna come up when I'm at the bar

# All the people wanna try, it's like, give me some more

# Try a little harder, honey, give me some more

# Let's go, I'm a superstar

# Getting busy with the boys hangin' at the bar

# Everybody coming close cos they all want me

# You all knew when you saw me

# I like how you look, baby

# Call me, call me. #

What are you doing?

Chi!

# One, two, three, four

# Let me hear you scream if you want some more

# Like, uh, push it, push it, watch me work it

# I'm perfect. #

Yeah, I don't know what just happened there

and I definitely don't feel comfortable about it,

but what I will say is,

you look like a beautiful used tampon in that dress.

Yeah, I did get a free phone case with it, so...

Oh! Three's a crowd, Lucas. I no longer need a wingman, so...

- Yes, Kenneth. - I got this. - OK. Are you sure, Kenneth? - Yeah.

- Really, Kenneth? - Mm-hm.

This is happening, then?

He's right, you know. The dress is, er, wowzers.

So do you own this, er, this whole place?

Yes, in the sense that I am the branch manager.

Yeah, I think that might be the most impressive thing I've ever heard.

You mustn't have heard a lot of things, in that case.

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, no, I haven't.

- Do you want to give me a tour? - Why, yes, madame. Allow me.

HE CHUCKLES

I love the way women dress these days, you know,

completely, er, mental.

Yeah, I suppose I am a woman nowadays.

The fuck?

- Good luck on your own. - Thank you.

Might be easier if you put your hand through the hole.

Weird.

- Like that. - That's the on/off button? - That's the on and off button.

No! It doesn't even say on and off.

No, it's just that that's the universal sign for on/off.

I mean, it isn't universal, is it?

- Because I didn't know. - No.

- And I'm in the universe. - Yes. Yeah.

- Same here. But... - Yeah, anyway... Yeah.

Well, in that case, yeah, I mean, shall I go or stay...?

- Oh, my God, Jesus Christ, Steve, calm down. - OK.

- Yeah, maybe I'LL go. - Yeah.

- Erm, can I have a spoon, please? - Thank you.

Spoon... I went to...

I went to school with a girl who looked like the back of a spoon.

Alice Seacombe.

- Oh, thanks very much. - Yeah, she died by gastric band.

Did she look like a spoon because she was ugly

or because she was shiny?

- Large salty popcorn with one scoop of sweets. - Yeah.

Two share bags of Minstrels. One regular bag of Minstrels...

VOICE FADES AWAY

Yeah, OK.

Mind if I just...? Sorry, I can't...

Oh, hot dogs. Right. OK. Yeah.

- No. Hold that? - OK.

I just love the...

SQUELCHING

Wow. Sound of that. Reminds me of...

I just love the juice.

- You know? - Mm. I mean, who doesn't?

This is amazing.

- Yeah. - So salty. You know?

You know that the cinema is actually my favourite restaurant,

followed by Shell Garage?

- Well, there's plenty more where that came from. - Yeah.

- You mean in the jar? - Yeah. Yep.

SHE CARRIES ON TALKING

Sorry, Chi, I can't actually hear what you're saying

because of the hot dog in your mouth. Do you want to pop it out?

Yeah. Erm, no, I just think that maybe we should take things

to the next level, you know?

Sorry, I got a bit of hot dog on your thing, if you want to...

Here, try, taste.

HE GAGS

Sorry, actually, my doodle's become very fizzy.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.

- Kenneth, Mitra's here. - For God's sake!

Er, just coming. Erm, can you...?

- Would you mind just staying here, please? - Yeah.

Whoa, you're going to need to stay, all right?

I can't have you coming out here. Can you stay?

Do you understand "Stay," Chi? Just stay, "Understand."

- Understand. - Say, "Understand, Kenneth."

Understand, Kenneth.

Oh, hello, darling.

Why are you so flustered? You're not in there with a girl, are you?

Yes! I mean, no.

- I mean, I say yes and I mean no. I'm an idiot. - Right.

Erm, are we on for lunch?

Yes. Er, I've actually got a couple of, erm,

loose ends I need to tie up,

so maybe I could meet you over there in the foyer.

- All right, then. - All right, love? - Yes.

- All right. - It's going to be wonderful.

Oh, my God! You've got a wife!

Oh, please don't be angry with me.

I can't handle it when people get angry.

- This is amazing! - What?

Yeah. Now I've got two people to look after me.

Pardon you?

Like sort of a two in one, like when you get those shampoos

that's also a conditioner.

Er, well, no, actually, no, I'm... I'm really sorry.

I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I didn't want to have to do this, Chi, but, er, I'm drawing a line.

- OK, yeah, me too. - No, listen to me, please.

Look, I lost my virginity to my singing teacher, Mr Hayden,

when I was 38 years old. So, you know, you showing up here

in this beautiful dress and paying me compliments,

- it's, er... - Well, you know,

- I do look irresistible, so... - That's well as may be,

but I don't think you're really listening to me, Chi.

You need to listen now, OK?

I have to be with my wife now because I have a marriage to uphold.

Yeah. That makes two of us.

No, er, I really appreciate your interest,

and it's all being processed and whatever,

and someone will be getting back to you in due course.

OK, erm, but when am I going to meet her?

No, no. This ends now!

- Oh. - Yeah. - OK. - OK.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, I've just got to speak to Lucas.

I'll be back after lunch.

I need your cousin out of here.

Come on. Ha-ha! Let's go fill our boots.

Thank you.

# I need you tonight... #

BANGING ON WINDOW

# Cos I'm not sleeping

# There's something about you... #

- Are you OK? - I'm sorry, an anchovy went down the wrong way.

You know what? I need a wee.

- Jesus Christ, Chi! - She's amazing.

You can't just follow us around like this. It's freaky and weird.

I think that we're just going to be, like, three peas in a pod, you know?

- I'm going to fit in so well. - Excuse me. Is Angela working?

I'll just be a chaise longue.

Could you just double-check? Angela, please.

- And then when we all die together... - What?!

..then I'll be in the middle of you both, in the bed.

And then I'll just be, like, the safest dead girl in camp.

No! No! Just stay out of our lives, all right?

I am happily married. Stay out of my life!

Guess what?

Some of my clients have stopped coming.

- Have they? - And then last week, Derek Redford,

- you know, from Screwfix? - I know Redford, yeah, sure.

Well, he told me that his wife tried to smother him with a pillow,

right? And I said, "Yeah, probably do the same thing myself," you know.

And he cried and left.

I mean, I just didn't realise that therapists could

- be this indiscreet about their own clients. - Well, no, they can't.

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, this is me.

Better get in. I've got a hunk of ham to gobble up.

Well, it doesn't have to end there.

Lucas gets free cinema tickets,

which obviously helps with the whole debt situ,

so...what do you reckon?

Well, I suppose Mr Ham can wait.

- Yeah. - Keeps, doesn't it?

- Definitely. - Ham keeps. - Ages. - Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, why not? - Right, yeah.

Erm, the good thing about ham is you can...

It's versatile for meal planning.

- Oh, yeah. Ham is... Ham is great. - Have it for breakfast.

Breakfast, lunch.

- Quite Continental... - All the meals. Yeah. - Yeah.

I just don't understand what I did wrong, you know?

All I asked is that they provide for me for the rest of my days

until eventually dying by my side.

Is it...? Am I being that unreasonable?

Popcorn?

Lucas. Lucas!

Spilling out.

Oh! Howdy, partner. You sick of working 9-5?

Who are you?

Dolly Parton, silly.

Hey, Dolly. I ate too many sweets, and now I feel mad.

Take my advice. You come near Dolly or her man,

I will come for you, Lucas. OK? I will hurt you.

I'll bite you! OK?

Look at you, pathetic little twink, sitting there,

doing fuck all with your life!

Don't make me bite you, Lucas, OK?!

Cos I will.

And that's a Dolly promise.

Lucas!

Just help yourself.

To the popcorn.

Maybe I need to go harder, make more of an effort.

Every piece of media is propaganda.

That's why I always watch films with my eyes half-mast...

..so the subliminal messaging can't pierce my occipital lobe.

Yeah. I suppose it's harder to influence people with vague shapes.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that there is

a tiny little blonde lady, using the name of Dolly Parton,

prowling the halls of this cinema!

Do not approach as she may not be armed

but she will definitely, definitely bite you!

There is mention of a lady named Jolene who will, I repeat,

will take your man...!

It's happening! It's happening!

Jesus wept! What the hell is going on here?!

- Do you not love it? - Are these hot dogs from the store room?

I wanted to remind you of all the good times we've had together.

- And there's more to come. - Don't just walk through them, you silly twerps!

How would you like it if I came round your house

and smooshed a load of hot dogs up your carpet?!

But I thought you liked romance.

- What? - Come on, let's not abandon everything we've built together now.

I feel like I'm in It Follows and you're the It, Chi.

I've only known you, like, 20 hours.

Yes, and it's the longest relationship I've ever been in

- in my life. - Ah! I've got a wife! - Yes, we do have a wife.

And I love her just as much as you do.

Please, I just want it to stop now. I wish it to stop.

Please!

Somebody clean up the dogs!

That's it. Drink up, son.

Nice, healthy, big gulps, OK?

Lucas?!

Just stop shutting me out!

- Chi! - Oh, Dave. And then Ruth.

What are you doing here?

Um, in the gents' toilets, or the cinema at large?

Er, either/or.

Well, poor Lucas has gone a bit potty due to stress.

I miss Holly and Phil.

And me and Ruth bumped into each other in the street

and discovered we're both cinephiles,

so we're here together by accident.

Does that sound like something you'd believe?

- Kenneth, this is my family. - Family? - Yeah.

Dave, my step-uncle-in-law, and this is Ruth,

my step-therapist, who is a confused and depressed lady.

- Hello. - This is Kenneth, one of my current life partners.

- Surely not! - Er, no, actually, I can't stress this enough -

- I barely know who she is. - What?

Well, you weren't saying that

- when I was sucking on your hot dog earlier. - Can you please...?

- Very greasy, isn't he? - Sorry?

Look, Kenneth, I know that I said about taking our relationship

to the next level. I feel like this is the perfect place to do it.

You know, we're in a toilet.

Well, surely we should be alone if we're going to do that, you know?

No, no, we can do it in front of them.

I always do stuff in front of them. They always help.

- Really? - Yeah. - I don't know if I'm comfortable...

- Oh! - Here I go. - Sorry, my head's saying no, my doodle's saying yes.

- I'm going down now. - You're going down?

Oh, Kenneth,

will you do me the honour of moving in with me and bringing Mitra?

- What?! - What?!

Amen.

- What?! - Amen.

- What was that? - Oh, that was Lucas.

- Mm? - He just said, "Amen." Carry on.

- Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! - Fuck! - Oh, fuck! - Fuck!

I just wanted to not die alone.

- Oh, fuck! - I don't think you will. It's fine.

You'll be good. Oh, fucking hell!

Of all the options in the world, and you chose that?

- And who the hell is Mitra? - Ah! Mitra!

Fuck!

- Mitra! - Where did she go?

OK, so I only bath on Sundays...

No! Cease!

No, thank you!

..sort of hair and grass...

Kenneth, you left your phone in the cafe.

What the fuck is all this?

Er, the strange girl or the hot-dog heart with our initials in?

I mean, either way, I have no idea.

I've been so excited to meet you, honestly.

- Please, don't. - Wait, wait, wait.

Are you seeing this girl behind my back?

Of course not, darling.

No, no, no, I wanted to see you in front of your back.

- Like, behind your front back? - What?

Please, just don't... Just close your ears.

Mitra, there's been zero intimacy in our relationship for a long time,

and so, you know, when this one showed up,

- bundled me into cupboards and followed me into toilets... - What?!

..I thought maybe she might just give it a little rub.

That's that.

- Oh! And you?! - Me?

Mitra! Mitra, no!

OK, maybe I was a little bit rash.

What did you mean, "Give it a little rub"?

Give what a little rub?!

- My doodle. - Oh!

Why would you think that?!

Why would I not think that?!

Look at everything you've done in the last 20 hours!

Oh, my God! I've got the ick now. Sorry.

- What's an ick? - The ick.

- I-K-C? - Yeah, I have no idea.

OK, well, I'm not being funny,

if you can't hold down a simple wife and a simple cinema,

how the hell are you meant to hold down this?

OK? Look at Dave over there.

He would have loved to have held down his wife,

but he can't because she's dead.

I'm sorry?

Now I'm going to bag up all these hot dogs,

because I've got nothing in for dinner,

and I'm never going to see you again.

Oh, but do let me know if you get with anyone else,

because I would love to meet her, most likely.

- Cup of tea round mine? - Oh, yeah, all right.

Yeah.

- Kenneth. - Don't forget your cousin, Chi.

Yes?

Kenneth...

..do I still work here?

I wouldn't mind a little bit of a hand with the clean-up.

Can I be honest?

Yeah. I mean, can I be honest, too?

- Yeah, but I'll go first. - Yeah, OK, of course.

Yeah, OK.

I felt...

..nothing.

God, what a relief.

I felt nothing, too.

- Oh! - Oh, my God, I feel so free.

Oh! Well, that feels like a breakthrough.

Yeah. Do you know? I don't know why you keep losing clients,

because you're a really good therapist.

- Mm. I know. - Sorry, just checking, you don't do this with Chi,

- do you? - Oh, God, no.

- No, that would be very unprofessional, and strange. - Mm.

- Friends? - Yeah, go on.

Actually, I think you might be my best friend.

You know, especially now that, like, Karen, because...

Oh.

HE WHIMPERS

Dave, are you OK? You sound like an old Labrador.

Oh, God. The guilt.

Oh!

It's just washing over me. Oh, my God!

What have I done?

Oh, God, what have I done?!

HE WHIMPERS

Don't even look at me!

God!

Dave, it's...

Come on.

- Well, thanks for helping me out back there. - It's all right.

- I didn't realise sugar was so bad for you. - I know.

- I'm sorry about your love life, Chi. - Oh, it's fine, you know,

it turns out love isn't actually what I wanted in the end, anyway.

I really just didn't want to die all alone.

- I'd die with you. - Really? - Yeah.

Aw! That's so nice.

PHONE BUZZES

- Oh. - What?

- Who is it? - Oh!

- Kent. - Who? - Baby Reindeer. - Oh, yeah.

- I really regret that, to be fair. - Yeah. Plenty more phones in the s...

KENNETH SHOUTS

Oh! Oh, Christ.

- Oh, Chi! - Oh, Christ. - Oh!

Oh, Chi, I'll do anything if you just take me back. Please!

- You can get my phone. - What? - It's in the sea.

Oh, well, I'll never find it.

- I can ring it. - Yeah, he can ring it.

Or I'll give you a blowjob.

What?!

I'm getting the phone! I'm getting the phone!

I've got it! I've got it!

Oh, it's a bloody stone!

Wow, he's an amazing boss.

Yeah, you're warmer!

- He had a really good work ethic, I found. - Yeah.

- Colder! - Colder! - Warmer! - Warmer! - Warmer! - Colder!

I just like the way that you're, like, treated as an employee

and stuff. Colder!

- Where's he going? - Don't know. He's getting awful far out.

Ah! Aah!

- It's actually quite upsetting to watch, isn't it? - Yeah.

Ah! Aah!

- Oh, there it is. - Oh. Huh.

- Well done. - Nice. Shall we go? I'm freezing. - Yeah.

- Got those hot dogs to get through. - Yeah.

HELP!

Do you know what a blowjob is?

No. I always meant to ask my dad before he died.

He loved them.

So you were the last people to see him alive?

- See him... What, like, in concert? - Yeah.

No, like, a-live.

- Oh. - Oh. - He's dead? - Where did you last see him?

In the sea.

Sea-nema. In the sea-nema.

He just went out for a little dip, you know?

He was covered in water.

Yeah, he was covered in water, but he was smiling and everything.

- I think he was thirsty. - Yeah. Or hungry for fish.

What was the last thing he said to you?

The last thing he said to us was that he was...

- He needed help... - No. - ..because... - Did he? I don't...

..he couldn't, er, find the bottom of the sea anymore

- because he couldn't breathe. - Sh. Sh. Shut up. Shut up.

And, erm, he had lots of, like, fishy, fishy water in his mouth.

- Shush. - And he said a crab sort of bit him on his doodle.

She means "no comment".

- And, erm... - Shut up.

And then the last thing I heard him shout was just, "HELP!"

- Yeah. - And that was it, really. That was the last thing.

- No, it was... No. No comment. - Mm.

No comment.

- Hi, Dave. - Hi, Dad. You all right?

Hi, Ruth.