Original subtitles

It's out of order, love.

What?

It's out of order.

Why? What's it done?

No, it's broken. I'm... I'm fixing it.

OK.

When's the lift coming?

It's not.

It's just a two-minute walk.

Nah.

I'll just wait.

I'm going to be hours, love.

Don't, don't...

No, don't!

Is it ready yet?

No!

Don't press the buttons!

OK!

No, don't!

I'm not doing anything!

Are you thick?!

Do you actually think that?

- 100%. - What, you're sure?

- 200%. - All right, well, name one thick thing that I've done.

Well, you're not wearing trousers today for a start.

How would you know that?

Because you're not wearing trousers.

Well, they never stay on me any more cos I'm so skinny.

I'm shocked you're so bothered by this!

CHI SIGHS

Your brain is a smorgasbord of issues.

Being thick should be the last thing on your teeny-tiny mind.

Well, is there a cure?

Well...you probably should have some sort of education by now,

like your parents said in the list.

And the uneducated do often get left behind in life.

- Left behind? - Yes.

I would suggest a qualification,

but I find adults learning a new skill just very depressing.

No, you are stuck being thick for life.

- It's too late for you. - It's not too thick!

I'm going to prove to people I'm not too late.

I can be... I reckon I'll be the smart...

..smartenst person in the world, honestly.

Ugh!

Ohhh!

I don't want to see that, do I?!

What?!

Get your arse out of my office!

L'amour est un oiseau rebelle

- Get one GCSE! - Get one GCSE!

Even if it's in PE.

Er... Excuse me, what are you doing?

Er, no, no, no. No climbing.

- What are you doing? - Er, college, please.

College, please.

- What? - College, please.

- Yeah, this is a college. - OK.

Can I help you or...?

Yeah, I'm just looking to be a professional in something,

- like, just gagging for a GCSE... - OK. - ..etc.

Yeah, I mean, we do offer GCSEs here. What are you studying?

- Tried learning French. - OK. - Yeah.

I had to quit because it was all in a different language.

- Yeah. - So... - Yeah, French is in a different language, isn't it?

Well, OK, like I said, you can't just go straight through

because those students are enrolled,

so go on the website, enrol, you know...

Do you want me to call someone out?

Because they might be able to explain it a bit better...

What, him?

- No, no, he-he's an actual student, so... - Oh.

- Yeah, he's...he's enrolled, you see. - Oh. - Yeah.

I mean, yeah, cos there's sort of, like, application forms,

er, there's course fees...

OK.

Just left.

SHE SIGHS

Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics

- Morning. - Morning, sir.

- Er, no, sir, don't let her in. - Nothing to do with me.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I said you need to be a student to come here.

No, no, no, no, no. Miss, don't let her in. She's not a student yet.

- Sorry, miss. Sorry. - It's all right. I'm going to need to call someone.

You're not really listening, are you?

LINE RINGS

- Hello? - Where are you?

I've got something really, really important that we need to do.

Yeah, I can't today, Chi. I... I'm not free.

What do you mean, you're not free?

What does that mean?

What the...?!

Why did you do that?!

Well, what did you think was going to happen?!

God's sake. Can you give me your bib, please?

No. You can't. It's...

Look, if you don't give it to me, I'm just going to tell everyone

that you know that you've touched my tits and bits.

CHI MUTTERS

Yeah.

- Oh. - Oh, Doctor.

You all right?

No, not really.

One of my colleagues had his high-vis stolen at tit-point,

so we're all a bit shaken up.

I mean, it happens around here a lot more than you think.

I just... You know, I don't know when it's going to stop.

People using their tits for crime.

And...?

Well... Oh, God, yeah. Erm...

For the lady.

Ooh, cheers.

Blimey.

You'd have thought after seeing your posh office,

you'd have lived in less of a shithole.

Yes, well, Sarah went through a building phase.

I can help.

I did our whole house because Karen refused to get anyone in.

I think she went through an anti-Polish phase.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to put you out.

No, no, you are changing Chi's brain.

It's the least I can do.

No, I-I don't want to put you out, I don't...

Are you a college?

- Oh. - Oh. - Hello.

Yeah, I knew you'd be free. Heh.

Yeah... Yeah, no, no, I-I'm free. Yeah.

OK. How did you know that I was here, though?

Cousin intuition.

Yeah, fair. Erm, anyway, so the reason that I'm here is, erm,

basically, I realised that I should probably get an education

- so I don't get left behind in life. - Lucas! See you in a bit.

And, erm, also, I thought, who else could help me?

You, cos you're probably thick too, I reckon.

- All right, Lucs? - And then we can do all the other two-person stuff,

you know, like do a trust fall,

win Pointless Celebs, try doggy style, you know?

All right, Lucas?

- Wait... - Hey, Lucas.

I...

I...

I forgot what I was going to say.

OK, fine! Yes! Yes, Chi, I've been taking classes here for weeks.

I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm...

SHE GASPS

I'm not entirely thick.

- What?! - What?

- What?! - What?

Are you actually serious right now? You did stuff without me?

Well, I'm sorry. I thought you'd notice.

Come on, what with me being gone all the time and all the books

around the house and...

..and the Ramsgate College hoodie I've been wearing.

I'm not psychic, Lucas!

- All right? - True, that's true.

God. First, my parents, then Karen, the selfish bitch,

and now you're abandoning me too.

You know, you're making me feel like a mattress. Yeah.

The last thing I want, ever, is for you to feel like a mattress.

Yeah, well, here we are. OK? Here we are.

- Can I ask one thing of you? - What?

Come to one class with me.

- OK. - Yeah? - What is it?

- You'll find out. Come on. - OK, fine.

What is this?

That the best you can do?

Sloppy. Messy.

Touch-typing. The ancient art of typing without looking at the keys.

"Touch-typing's pointless. How is this a class?"

These are questions I hear every day.

What's that over there?

Perry. Instructor.

Can we just go do the hair-weaving course?

Because that looked way better.

Oh, here he is. Superstar.

I was...beginning to think you'd left.

Nah, wouldn't miss it for the world.

Well, that's why you're averaging 60 words a minute, isn't it?

- That's... - ..one word a second.

Yeah.

Chi.

Oh, yeah. Erm, Perry, this is actually my cousin, Chi.

She wants to get educated so that

she can be an adult and respect herself.

- Yeah. - Oh.

Chi. Lovely short name.

Could bash that out in 0.2, I reckon.

Sorry, could you... Do you mind leaning back?

It's just your breath smells like you overeat.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, Chi, it's an honour to have you here.

Do you have much experience with ten-finger Qwerty touch-typing?

I've got a laptop.

THEY SCOFF

She's got a laptop!

- Yeah, she's got a laptop! - Don't we all?

Oh, not to worry.

If these skills run in the family, I'm, er...

..I'm sure you'll pick it up in no time.

- Lucas, do you want to get Chi set up... - Yeah. - ..on a computer?

So fucking hot.

It's not hot in here.

Neutral wrists!

- OK, do you see what's happened here, Chi? - What?

So, the word is "adventure"...

..and you've written "Konnie Huq".

OK.

Cup of tea?

Well, it's Bovril, actually.

I don't really know what men drink.

Haven't lived with one since '94.

- Hm! - Cheers.

So...

CLEARS THROAT

..how...how are you, erm, getting along? You know, grief-wise.

Yeah, quite good, actually.

The other day, I walked around the house completely naked, eating.

I thought to myself, "Is this grief?"

And then I realised I did that before Karen died, so...

Mm. Dissociative fugue. Classic mad behaviour.

How about you? How are you getting on?

What do you mean?

Well, it could be that the rancid state of your home

could be a sad reflection of your inner life.

Excuse my language, but that is a fucking deranged thing to say.

No, I imagine it's because it's your job to fix other people's problems,

you know, delve into their psychologies and fill your head

with their neuroses, so, at the end of a long day,

the last thing you want to do is fix problems in the home.

SHE SCOFFS

I mean...

I don't know where you've... read that, but I mean, that is...

Careful of those pipes, actually, they're attached to the electricity.

Fucking Sarah.

BZZZT!

I think I got electrocuted then.

The advent of touch-typing -

or typing tactus - dates back to 1888,

when court stenographer Frank Edward McGurrin...

CHI YAWNS

Chi.

Erm...

..court stenographer Frank Edward McGurrin popularised the method...

He's talking way too fast.

- I just don't understand what he's saying... - Chi, please, stop it.

Erm... You know what? Let's, er,

let's just continue with our drills, shall we?

You know, the pinkies are your friends.

SHE SIGHS

OK, he's stopped speaking. Can we leave now, please?

I don't want to leave. I'm concentrating.

Why are you saying that?

Come on, we can go do something easy that we both like,

like health care or bagpiping.

I like this class and, erm...

Yeah, I'm good at it.

That's just what he wants you to think because you're paying him.

CHI SIGHS

Why have you typed that?

Oh, awkward!

Oh, Miranda.

I think she panicked, Stevie!

What am I meant to type, then?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe spelling's just not for you.

No, I think she's more of a people person, you know.

She doesn't seem like a people person.

Oh, God. I just...

I get so distracted by all the...

..sex stuff. You know.

- The what? - The sex stuff.

I don't want to look. Something about a meat bag.

- Awkward. - What's a meat bag?

Don't say it, Stevie!

Eurgh! "Meat bag."

Sorry, can you stop sexting my step-cousin?

Because I've just read what this says.

STUDENTS MURMUR

No, I-I... You know what?

Actually, I'm not going to allow these kinds of disturbances

in my class, actually, so, Chi, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

- Me to leave?! - Yep.

Oh, what? So you hate beautiful white women now?

- Is that what it is? - Pardon?

Yeah, that makes sense.

OK, of course, I'm going.

Lucas, we're leaving.

Lucas, we're leaving. I'm going to need you to come.

Lucas, are you going to come?

I don't think I can.

- I need you to come for me, OK? - I don't think I can come.

- Lucas, I'm going to need you to come for me! - Chi, I'm not...

- Come for me, Lucas! - I'm not going to come.

- OK. - Sorry. - Hey, Lucas.

- Lucas. - Yes?

How quickly can you type the words "betrayal"?

Chi, please.

Hey, Lucas, how quickly can you type the word...

.."spiteful cow"?

That's... That's actually two words.

Hey, Lucas, how quickly can you type the words "traitor"?

- Quite quick, probably! - Yeah, that's what I thought!

- That's what I thought! - That's what I thought!

- That's what I thought! - Yeah, well, I thought it first!

- Yeah, well, I thought it! - I thought it first! - I said it!

- I thought it first! - I said it!

Fuck! Sorry.

OK, show's over.

- I'm sorry. - Eyes forward.

You OK?

Sorry you had to see that.

I, er... Yeah.

Is she normally like that?

No, she's just...

All her family are dying and I don't think...

She's not handling it well.

- Sorry, all of her family are dying? - Yeah.

How did they die?

Er, hit by a lorry, fell down the stairs.

Oh, and her grandparents went missing a few years ago, so...

So, it's... Do you feel safe?

Yeah, we have a laugh.

Got you some more Bovril.

You went through that, didn't you?

Yeah.

So, I did what I could with what I had,

but Sarah's tool box mainly consisted of old forks.

Oh...

The plugs aren't hissing.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Happy to help.

I mean, I've felt like a bit of a lump since...

..well, you know, so it's nice to feel useful.

So, bit of a surprise for you.

Whilst you were out getting more Bovril,

I decided to have a fiddle with your smart device

and I've installed something quite special.

Ready?

Kitchen lights on.

Kitchen lights on.

- Kitchen lights... - Oh.

Jesus! Sorry. Oh!

Turn the kitchen lights off.

Argh!

Kitchen lights off.

Playing Lighthouse Fam...

Lights off!

Off!

God...

Oh, God!

Stop! Kitchen lights off!

BZZZT!

Hey!

- Ooh! - I'm sorry, I don't understand.

High by Lighthouse Family

Ruth, I'm so sorry.

You know, don't worry about it.

It-it... It's only much worse than it was before.

- Cheers, Dave. - Oh, God. - Oh, dear.

Never mind.

Oh...

No, thanks. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

You know, I can't believe Lucas,

mugging me off in my one hour of need.

People just treat me like the scum of the earth

and all I do is give, give, give, give, give.

Can I have my sandwich back?

You...

Chi!

Oh, Dave. How did you know I was here?

Dave intuition.

Oh, and, yeah, Lucas studies here.

- What, you knew that? - Yeah.

You all right, Sean?

Oh, sorry to hear about your high-vis.

People are animals.

- Yeah, well... - Chi, I fucked up.

Right, I was with...

..a woman.

OK, I'm listening.

Anyway, there was a moment...

Oh, you fingered each other?

- What? No! - Knew it.

It was a split second and it felt really weird,

and all I could think about was how fuming Karen would be.

- Yeah. - You know, I could just hear her now,

"How could you look at another woman?"

"I'm a size eight in most shops."

Exactly.

Anyway, I sort of...

..pushed her.

- You pushed her? - Yeah, and I can't apologise to her face

cos I'm too embarrassed, so how can I tell her what I mean to say?

What if you didn't need to say it?

- Go on. - Come on.

- Dave, I wouldn't... - Not now, Sean.

Yeah, not now, Sean. I'm sorry about your high-vis.

Is this wrong?

Probably.

So is laughing when old people fall out of cars, but...

..I still do it.

- Yeah. - Cos it feels good.

It's so true.

- I'm sorry about Chi. - Oh...

She doesn't understand.

Her only relationship was with an ancient crone called Linda

and that ended in disaster.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

I don't know what any of that means.

OK.

Hello, lesbians.

Oh, Chi. Erm... Sorry. Lucas and I were just talking about...

- What were we talking about, Lucas? - I don't know! - Fuck...

OK. Relax, OK?

I know exactly what's going on.

About as subtle as a printer.

- Pardon? - Fuck.

I think it's beautiful.

Do you?

Yeah.

You two, going against the grains,

fighting for your love...

..Cheryl style.

Gosh, do you know... Gosh, here was me thinking you were going to be

a real fucking nightmare about the whole thing!

Yeah!

Other people might not view it like that, though.

- Er... - What do you mean?

SHE SCOFFS

It's not a good look, is it?

Romancing a student as young as him.

You know, Lucas and I are 12 years old.

- What?! - We're not.

Regardless, I don't think the good people of Ramsgate College

would appreciate you crossing over

that student-teacher-patient boundary.

What do you want from me, Chi?

No, seriously, what do you want from me?

Cos I...

I want you to warm up your fingers.

SHE SIGHS

Do you know what?

I'm actually relieved that I had the idea of learning to touch-type.

- What? - So you're Lucas's dad?

Yeah, big time.

So you're his teacher?

He's a good boy.

Well, you'd tell me if he was a bad boy, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

So, sorry, you know any of you could do this?

Ugh, I swear to God, Perry, say another word.

Fine. I'll do it for Lucas,

but not for...whatever she is.

Phone.

Thank you.

Er...

- There. - We're in.

Are you sure this is the right thing, Chi?

Yes, Dave, all right?

I know what it's like to feel pushed aside by the people that you love.

Oh, leave off.

If you truly want to make it right with this woman,

then this is the only way.

That can't be true.

Do you like this job, Perry?

- Jesus. - Yeah, that's what I thought.

What are we going to say?

You just need to try and capture her attention.

Say you've got a bomb.

No.

I actually love that.

- Yeah, but it's got to be kind of apologetic and respectful. - Hm.

He just spends his evenings on the iPad,

scrolling my sister's Facebook.

Mm...

..and he keeps commenting "phwoar"...

PIPPA SOBS

..on her WeightWatchers progress photos.

Sorry, how much weight did you say she'd lost?

What?

Text from Dave - Weird Girl's Uncle.

- Hello, I've got a bomb. Yes, a bomb. - Huh?

Joking about the bomb. I hope that got your attention.

Just give me a sec.

Please don't be mad at me for pushing your face.

- What? I didn't want to push her face. - Let's just turn that off.

It was an accident.

How do you push someone's face by accident?

Will you just shut up, nonce?

Shut up, nonce.

He's not a nonce.

He is a nonce.

Everyone's talking at once. I'm typing all the wrong things.

She's not responding.

Because we need to go harder, that's why.

Yeah, OK, so, er...

Text from Dave - Weird Girl's Uncle.

When I think of my behaviour, I feel sick to my stomach

and I want to bash myself up the sides of my own legs with...

..sides of your legs with an industrial stapler.

- ..an industrial stapler and keep on bash... - Ugh!

Are you sure this is the right approach?

Oh, Dave, do you want her to forgive you?

- Well, yes. - Then you need to make her feel special.

In, like, a feminist way.

Mm-hm. I've got it.

Text from Dave - Weird Girl's Uncle.

Bloody thing!

- Yes! - I have one more important thing I have to say. - Oh...

- She's really fit... - Yep.

- ..and that you're going to punch her. - No! - No, sorry,

I'm not writing that. I don't even know why I'm doing this.

- You can all type. - But not as well as you.

Annoyingly, he's right.

I'll do it.

Yeah... I-I'll do it.

- I'll do it. - Oh, God, yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, perfect.

- I just need to, er... - The truth is I think you are a beautiful

tiny woman with a massive brain and a body so tight you could

bounce a parsnip off of it.

And the reason I've not been honest about my feelings...

And the reason I have not been...

- Dealings. - ..honest about my dealings...

Feelings. Fuck...

..dealings fuck sake feelings.

Yeah, I've got it, OK.

Because I don't know how...

I don't know how to tell you what a hairy genius slut you are.

Not a slut.

Also, sometimes when people treat their loved ones with disrespect,

it's because they are too scared to be honest and I...

..never kept a secret from you. It was bang out of order and...

..and you are the best cousin I've ever had.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry as well.

Now, that is the most

beautifulest fucking thing I've ever read.

"Cousin"?

What's he talking about?

Oh... I don't know.

- Yes! - I did it! - High five!

We did it! We did it!

LAUGHTER

It doesn't sound right.

No, that's really brilliant, actually.

- That's really made my day, actually, yeah. - Shall we go?

- She's really going to love that. - Yeah.

Oh, my God. That was mental.

My fingers are, like, cramped to fuck.

- You were amazing. - Aww, thanks.

Did you want to do a trust fall with me tonight

so I can tick it off my list?

I can't. I'm, er...

Well, me and Perry are doing something quite exciting.

You don't need to brag.

Yeah, I think I should apologise to her.

It's probably, in retrospect, really disturbing to receive those texts.

Yeah. I can't imagine why.

Yeah.

All right. Try and be care...

Fuck, you twat.

BZZZT!

DOORBELL RINGS

- All right, Dave? - Ruth, about those texts.

I was just trying to apologise

for pushing you by the face like you were an untrained dog,

but things just got out of control.

I will one-inch punch myself if it makes you feel any better.

Sorry, what texts?

Did you not get them?

I... No...

My phone's been playing up all day.

I think, actually, it might have gotten wet when you fucked my sink.

Oh, my God. Fantastic.

OK. Bye, Dave.

# You know it feels unfair

# There's magic everywhere

# Look at me, standing

# Here on my own again

# Up straight in the sunshine

# No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful... #

All right?

- So nervous. - Aww.

Don't worry. Mum's going to love you.

- Yeah. - Is he here?

Aunt... Aunt Claudia...

What? Aunt Claudia... OK...

Sorry, what?

S-so...we-we're cousins.

- So, erm... - Yeah, we're cousins.

Oh, God.

And we did...

- I don't want to think about what we did. - Which she now knows.

Oh, God. I'm... I'm going to be sick.

- How does this gate work? - Open the gate. - How does the gate work?!

Why is the latch down? OK, so...

Thank you, babe.

- No. Sorry. - No! No! - Oh, God!

- Sorry. - Perry, in, in! - Sorry, sorry. That's mental.

- In! Get in! - Sorry. I'm coming.

And I'll see you...somewhere. Fuck's sake!

God! No, you will not see him.

- Mum! - Oh, my God!

- You all right? - Oh, you came.

- Yeah, wouldn't miss it for the world. - Nice.

Let's get you up.

THEY GROAN

Oh, sorry.

- I love you and I trust you. - I love you and I trust you.

So how'd it go with Perry in the end?

Yeah, it didn't really work out in the end.

Oh, that's a shame.

I was really starting to like him.

Yeah.

THUD!

SHE WHIMPERS

Help...

Fingercise.

Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!! by Vengaboys

One - bend.

Beeeend.

Two - wiggle.

Wiggle!

Three - pressssss.

Bend. Wiggle. Press.

- Bend. Wiggle. - Wiggle.

Press.

Bend. Wiggle. Press.

Press. Pressssss.

Fingercise.