Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

- I just feel like everything just keeps going wrong for me at the minute, you know? - Mm.

People just keep dying. I don't know who's going to be next.

- Will it be me? - Well, yes, it might well be.

- Especially if you keep dwelling on it. - Sorry.

Look, in life, you get back what you put out there

and, if you've been sending negative vibrations

all the way round to the table, then don't be surprised

when old Mr Negative Pants comes and smacks you round the chops.

Wait. So you're saying that...

..I might have actually manifested most of my family dying

and being left in crippling debt?

Yes.

Oh.

Look, what I do to try and bring myself out of the slumps

is I take a look at those worse off than me.

Mm. It's just, like, I just don't think that's possible for me.

Have a think about all those little people

in the submarine that imploded into nothing.

They literally became nothing within seconds.

Yeah, true.

I volunteered at a food bank and I met a guy there.

He had lost his children, his house and all of his limbs overnight.

He was literally a torso with a plate.

So you see - it can be worse.

That doesn't even sound that bad.

I think it would benefit you

if we took a little trip down to the food bank.

Make you appreciate what you already have.

How was he holding the plate, though, if he wasn't...

- "Give to those less fortunate..." - ..able to have any more limbs?

"..and stop sulking like a brat."

L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle from Carmen by Georges Bizet

- Give back to others. - Give back to others.

This is actually really hard

because, even though obviously I want to wear something stylish,

at the same time, I don't want to be just flaunting my curves too much

at all the hungry people.

So you're actually going to volunteer at a food bank

to give back to other people?

- Well, yeah. - I never thought I'd see the day.

Ooh, I never thought I'd see this day.

Quicker, quicker! I'm streaking.

Why are you doing that?

Because we've been inside so long, your dad said I was looking pallid.

Well, we're supposed to be ghosts.

Look, more wide circles, remember?

Chi, we're really proud of you.

- Please, could you just do my back? - No more layers, Terry.

Any more layers and you're going to get cancelled.

I think that I might actually just go

and look in the cupboards to see what I can donate.

- She's doing it. She's actually doing THINGS. - Yeah.

I'll believe it when I see it.

Right. My back!

SHE PUFFS

Um...

Bechamel sauce.

No-one needs that much bechamel sauce.

What was that?

Hello? Down here. Hi.

Oh, is that a tiny little Lily Allen?

Mm-hm. Lil Allen. From 2007, obviously.

Oh, obviously.

- Well, hey, Lily Allen. - Hi.

You have enough now. You can stop.

Oh, well, tell me what I'm supposed to take, then.

Come on, help me, Lily Allen -

you're working class, aren't you?

I've got to go now.

Don't tell anyone I'm from Hammersmith.

- Ahhh! - # Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... #

THUD

Ow.

Oh, well, thanks for your help. Bye.

SHE PUFFS

Bechamel sauce.

So what have we got, then, Lucas?

Bread and cress or cress and bread.

When are you getting paid again, Dad?

Not until next week.

So we shouldn't go too heavy on the cress.

Oh, sweet - cress.

No, no!

SHE SPLUTTERS

- Er, so what's in the bag? - What, this?

Oh, it's just stuff I'm donating to a food bank.

Yeah, I basically decided

that I should just sort of start giving back,

really raise the vibrations that I put out there, you know?

- Ah, that's lovely, Chi. - Yeah. Thanks.

You can come if you want. It'll be a right laugh.

- That'd be a laugh, yeah. - Sorry, as a volunteer or a customer?

Whatever you identify as, really.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SPITS

Isn't this meant to be a bank?

Doesn't look very secure.

CHATTER

I'm here, ready to give back.

Oh, good! Right, well, put this on,

- and we'll get you started straight away. - Nothing else?

What are you two doing here?

Are you giving or taking?

Well, we've brought some food, so...

OK, well, this is the takers line. Step aside, please.

I'm really sorry about your situation, so I hope this will help.

No, don't give it to her. She's on our side.

- Oh, OK. - Just pop that... pop that back in your bag.

What do I do, then?

Well...

..it's very important that you follow my soup system correctly.

- Yeah? - If the customer is plump, bone broths only.

If they're on the slender side, then you're looking at your "cream ofs".

- Got it? - OK, yeah. - Good. - Plump, slender.

I don't think we brought enough cress, Lucas.

I had no idea our country was in this much of a crisis.

Yeah. I mean, the failure of successive governments,

coupled with late stage capitalism and inflation,

has crushed systemic change.

- Right. We need to make this right, Lucas. - Yeah.

- Let's walk and talk. - All right.

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

Oh, well, what can I say? I'm just a really great person.

OK, off you pop, then, greedy guts.

Yeah, have the "cream of".

- See? Feels good, doesn't it, giving back? - Pssh, yeah.

You know, puts everything into perspective.

You've got nothing to be depressed about, Chi.

- Um... - Mm.

What about all my family being dead, though?

That's still... a thing, though, right?

Er, a vegetable broth.

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God, Sarah Gilbeaux!

What?!

Wow, what are you doing here?

Is it Comic Relief? Are you...? Where's Lenny Henry?

No, I don't do comedy any more, do I, Bev?

Why?

Well, I just prefer to express myself

through drawings and still-life paintings now.

You know, more like...

- ..Adolf Hitler. - Yeah.

Oh, gosh. Well, you know, if your drawings are anywhere near

as powerful as your stand-up, then...

..the art world is lucky to have you.

Well, if only the art world paid, right?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, you've got some bloody nerve, showing up in here!

Oh, great.

You here, of all people.

Avert your eyes, babe.

Ruth, this is Sarah Gilbeaux from, um...from, er...

Oh, wait, I actually don't know.

It's OK - I know.

Terrible stand-up.

SARAH GASPS

Abysmal painter.

SARAH GASPS HARDER

Even worse sexual life partner.

What?!

Wait. You two were a power couple?

No, we're not a power couple! She ruined my life.

Sorry, babe.

RUTH LAUGHS BITTERLY

No, SHE ruined MY life.

Which is much worse because my life is better.

- Now get out! - You can't chuck me out of a food bank.

I'm starving!

Look at me.

Wow!

- Quick, have a "cream of". - Beauty.

No, she's not having a "cream of". She needs to get a job.

I do have a job. I'm an artist. Tell 'em, babe.

And how many paintings have you sold?

Clearly not enough to not be in a food bank.

- Yeah, well, you can suck shit. - Yeah? - Because guess what?

I've had interest from a buyer for a set of drawings

that you just might remember.

- Uh... - "Uh..."?

You'd better not be talking about...

Hmm... Mm-hm! Yeah.

No, you can't sell naked drawings of someone without their consent.

Y-You do know that, right?

They're my drawings. I can do whatever I want with them.

No, but you can't, actually.

I can do anything I want, princess!

Fuck you.

Stop throwing food, you piece of shit!

Will you grow up?!

- You grow up! Take that, you bitch! Take that! - Get back!

Take that, you piece of shit. Coming in here!

- Come on! - Don't make me use this. - Come on, then.

THEY HISS AND GRUNT

- Oh! - Ah!

Yeah! Come on.

Fucking give me something.

- Oh! - Stop!

QUIET GASPS

Babe! Let's bounce.

- Are you talking about me? - No. - No.

Maddie, don't look at her. Maddie, don't. Look at ME! Fuck!

WHAT?!

RUTH SOBS

It's fine. It's just... It's just cottage cheese for emphasis.

SCANNER BEEPS

- There we go. - OK, moment of truth.

CARD READER BEEPS

- Oh, that's been rejected. - God!

Do you put it back or do we put it back?

DOOR CHIME PINGS

- Look, the main thing is we tried. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, shit. I forgot to put this back.

- I'll be one sec. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What if you don't?

- What? What, don't put it back? - Yeah.

Dad, that'd be stealing. We'd be takers.

Yeah, but think about all of the hungry people.

I mean, you saw how much food that they had in there.

God, yeah. It's not even a real supermarket.

- Imagine what all the big ones have. - Well, yeah.

I mean, the real question is,

what are these faceless supermarket corporations

doing with all that food?

Cos I suspect...

..they're selling it to the public...

..for a profit.

DOOR CHIME PINGS

Well, by that logic, we should take from them.

What, him?

No, not him. Like, you know, like, big supermarkets -

we should take from them.

Yeah.

Well, imagine if we did.

Imagine.

THEY LAUGH

- Right, I'm going to pop this back. - Yeah, yeah, definitely.

DOOR CHIME PINGS

Imagine...

It's not that bad.

We've all done nudes.

Chi!

It is a collection of erotic drawings

of me naked from every angle.

Sorry, you're going to have to give me a second.

That was a lot of smut to take in.

That was the worst five years with that bitch.

So what actually went wrong with you and Sarah, then?

Because, um...to me, you just...

..you just looked like a couple of MILFs that are made for each other.

Well, she was psychotic. Yeah?

Always saying things like...

.."Shall we hold hands in the park?"

And, "Why don't we share a pavlova?"

Fucking mad!

SHE EXHALES

You know, the final straw was her wanting to start a family.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember what it was like to have a family.

I just feel awful, you know?

And all those feelings and memories coming back.

Yeah, I remember what it was like to have memories.

- Especially... - Will you shut up?

Going on about yourself all the time!

It's exhausting!

Is that not what we do, though?

How long have we known each other?

Oh, God. Um...

CHI CHUCKLES

Three sessions?

And in all those three sessions,

did you ever once ask me how I was feeling?

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- How are you? - I'm fucking depressed!

- Oh. - That's how I'm feeling.

- Oh! Oh! - What? - Wait, wait. - Lucas. Lucas, come on.

Broccoli. Sausages.

- Oh, two whole chickens. - Nice.

Um. I've got...

Oh, shit. Stuck.

Can you get it out?

- I've got the bottom. - Got it? - Yeah. - Yeah?

Magazine. Cheers, yeah.

I still think we could get some more, though.

Yeah? I mean, I reckon I could get a couple jars of pesto in here.

- Get a Toblerone up there. - Yeah.

Well, I'm just going to go ahead and say it -

we do have two arseholes between us.

- We did it. - We did it.

- A free stolen chicken help? - It's not stolen. It's, um...

It's just... It's just acquired.

Would you like some free pasta?

- Sausages from the shop. - Yep. - Stolen from the shop for you.

- No, just acquired from the shop. It's fine. - For you, sir.

Don't say they're stolen. They won't take them.

- Hello. - Fancy yourself a chicken? Whole chicken? Free of charge.

A lovely whole chicken. Free of charge.

- Oh, feels good to be a giver, doesn't it? - Yeah.

- To givers. - Ching!

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

God, what a mess, ladies. What happened there?

Hey, what happened in there?

No, no, she's not available right now, unfortunately.

- Could you not look at her? - Yeah. Is she OK?

Looks like she's laying in custard.

For fuck's sake.

Unfortunately, there's been a small incident

with Ruth's ex-girlfriend, Sarah Gilbeaux...

- No! - Yeah, I know.

..who's basically threatening to sell, um, the Ruth anthology.

So it's Ruth, drawn completely naked from every angle,

um...in 360 degrees.

- Ahem! - My God, that's terrible, Ruth.

You must feel like a piece of you has been taken.

And I can only imagine how hard it is for women

in the modern-age time of revenge art.

- Yeah. That is exactly how I'm feeling. - Yeah. - Mm.

You know, God knows where those drawings are going to end up.

Well, probably Pornhub.

PornBits. PornBurst. MaturePorn, MatureTube,

MatureTits, GirlsOutWest, HornyElders...

..MiddleAgedMinge.

LooseWomen, KentCunts,

and, um, you know, the Turner Centre in Margate.

If they end up in the Turner Centre, I will kill myself.

Or you could just, like, leave the local area instead.

Yeah, no, we need to sort this.

- I can't have a depressed therapist. No. - Mm.

We're going to have to steal those bloody drawings back.

Right?

No, no, no, no.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

We only steal for the poor, the hungry and the huddled masses.

Whereas, Ruth, she's going to be on, like, 55K.

- 65! - I don't care. We'd be stealing to take a stand

against the financial exploitation of women, Dad.

Yeah, I was... I mean, I was going to say that, Ruth.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

God, I'm starving.

Been feeding the poor all day. I've not had a chance to feed myself.

There should be something in here.

Aha!

Yeah.

These chicken nuggets - they'll be all right to eat, won't they?

I don't know, Dad. They've been in there

- since we all went to the Willy Wonka Experience. - Arrivederci!

OK, listen, this is the plan, all right?

Me and David go inside the building.

You are to stay outside the building.

Don't go anywhere near the building. All right?

It's very important you listen to me about the building.

Because, if one thing goes wrong,

the whole thing could plummet so we end up in prison, in court.

Yeah, we don't want that, Lucas.

- So what am I doing? - Oh, Lucas, I'm making myself so clear!

We're stealing the drawings. You're not stealing the drawings.

You are to block Gilbeaux from the plan.

Correct?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

- Look. - What?

CHI GASPS

Oh, my God. There she is.

Wow. Look at her.

OK. So how long do I have to keep Gilbeaux busy and distracted for?

Just for as long as Gilbeauxically possible.

- Copy that. - Copy that? - Roger that.

- So do I go? - Ugh.

- Good luck, son. - Thank you.

- Ready? - Let's go.

Touch The Leather by The Fat White Family

DOG BARKS

Oh!

Chi! Basically, what I'm going to do

is I'm going to climb on the balcony...

# Touch the leather, leather... #

DOOR CREAKS

Or just open the door. Yeah.

# Baggy leather

# Touch the leather, leather Touch the leather, leather

# Your skin on my leather... #

Chi, wait!

Stop. That's... Ooh!

Check under the mat.

HE BELCHES

Oh, God.

Those chicken nuggets have got a really weird... Urk! ..aftertaste.

PHONE LINE RINGS

Hello, it's Ruth. I'm closed for business.

If you're on a bridge, call the Samaritans.

Ruth isn't answering.

- Hi. You all right? - All right? - Hello. Urp! I'm sorry.

Hey. Excuse me. Hey, do you guys want, like, a...?

I could do a picture of the two of you together?

Thank you very much. We're just passing.

No, to just, like, give it a...

SARAH MUTTERS

- Er... - Oh, hey! Hi. Oh, hello. - Hi. - Er, would you like a portrait done?

I do, er... It's one for 20 or £75 for two.

Um... I can post about you on TikTok.

Do you know what? Fuck this. I'm going home.

No, please wait. Don't leave me. I love this one of Vanessa Feltz.

- That's Gok Wan. - Please, please draw me.

I mean, like, talent like yours comes along once in a lifetime.

Thank you. I really appreciate that.

Especially coming from such a beautiful young lesbian such as you.

Oh, thank...thank you. Yeah.

- Take a seat. - OK.

Um... How do you want me?

- Silent! - Yes. Sorry.

- No, don't move! You've fucked it! - Yeah. - You've absolutely fucked it!

Wait, let me get my torch on.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Oh, actually, Chi...

I wouldn't worry about that, you know?

- You're doing really well. - Thank you. - You're all right.

- But maybe... Yeah... - Just...

HE GRUNTS

HEAVY THUDS

Did you hear that?

- I really recognise you. - Hm. That's weird.

- I've never been to a campsite. - Oh.

- Finished! - What? Already?

- Oh, my God. - That's brilliant.

You've really... God, you've really captured a likeness there.

Yours.

- Thank you. - Anyway...

..I guess I'm going to pack up and go home.

You know, head off and watch some mid '80s Ellen.

No, no, no, please don't leave, OK? Just do...

Can you not do another one? I want a few different options.

Oh. Well, what do you mean, different?

What sort of thing were you thinking of?

Literally whatever will take up the absolute most of your time.

How do you feel about...nudity?

Oh, um...

Well, I've never really thought about it.

How do you feel about...

..extreme nudity?

Could we go back to just nudity?

- Should just punch it. - OK. Stand clear.

PLASTIC CLATTERS

I'll do another one.

WINDOW CREAKS

Window's open.

HE BELCHES

- Sh! - OK, sorry.

Wow. Can't believe I'm in Sarah Gilbeaux's apartment.

It's like Make A Wish.

HE BELCHES

Excuse me.

Um, do you know where the toilet is?

I've only just got here.

STOMACH GURGLES

Oh, God.

Oh, Ruth.

PHONE LINE RINGS

Hey, Ruth. How are you?

Just the same, you know? Still feel like shit.

I just...

I just sometimes wonder if it wouldn't just be better

to just end it all, you know?

- Should I go? - No, no, no. This won't take long.

Well, I think I found your drawings, by the way.

Don't look at them!

I'm not.

Well done. Is it all 47 of them?

Internal and external?

Um...

..yeah. There's a...

I think it might be.

Well, don't look!

Um...um...get them out without looking at them.

Wait.

Sorry, I thought you said we were going to a studio.

- Yeah, we are. It's in my flat. - Oh.

No. You know what? I don't... I don't fancy being in a studio.

Do you mind if we did it somewhere else?

Er, where?

Out here would be fine.

I know what this is. You're nervous.

- Yeah. - And, listen, I promise you,

this is going to be a really positive experience.

- OK? - OK. - OK. - OK.

Oh, and, er...my toilet's broken,

so, if you need to go, just, like, shit in the bush or something.

Yeah, great. You know what? Actually, I do need to go.

So, if you just give me a second, then...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Great. - Yeah, go. - Thank you. - Yeah.

- Take your time. - I will. - Yeah. - Yeah, really, I will. - Yeah.

- Pick up! - Gilbeaux incoming!

- Oh, gosh. So much better. - Hello?

- What's that? Dipsy from Teletubbies? - No, he can't look at them either!

Ruth, you know, um... drawing number 45?

- Stop looking! - Is that your actual front bum?

Or is it the back of someone's head doing a cunnilingus?

I said don't look! Don't look!

- Excuse me, I'm just... - No, no, no. This won't... Stay there.

It's actually, like, the size of the Wimbledon runner-up plate.

Yeah. Just cos, um, it's apparently

the size of the Wimbledon runner-up plate.

Why are you looking at them?!

They're saying there's too much hair,

but the hair is back, isn't it, now?

They're not having it all off any more, are they?

I've been peeing for too long, haven't I?

- Yeah, you really are. - OK.

- Yeah. - OK. - OK.

- It's like, um...someone's making a pizza, 16-inch. - What?!

And instead of things like, you know,

toppings like mushrooms, pineapple and, like, garlic,

they've done just ham and pubes.

Stop looking! It doesn't matter how much...

FRONT DOOR RATTLES

- Quick! - Shit!

- Hello? - Oh, my God.

- Spiders? - Yeah. - Rabbit food? - Yep.

- Paloma Faith? - Yep. - Oh.

Told you - if you can name it, I've eaten it.

Listen, I'm going to need about, uh, five minutes to just get set up, OK?

Yeah. Oh, you're...

HE GASPS

- Um... Oh. - Hey. - Hey. - What's up?

Er, nothing.

No. Um...

Actually, can you smell that?

SARAH SNIFFS

- Do you mean the smell of fresh diarrhoea? - Yes.

SARAH SNIFFS

Yes, I can.

- Weird. - It's weird. I haven't used the toilet in months.

- What are you doing? - Why bring her here?

Out of all the errors tonight, that's the most incompetent, son.

You need to keep her busy, all right?

Think, Lucas!

- Um, hey! - Hi, hey. - You OK?

Well, yeah. Er...no.

Someone's broken in and defecated in my toilet.

And you're sure it wasn't you?

Maybe.

Why would I do that to myself?

Um...

Hey, please! Can we just focus on, you know, painting me in the nude?

OK?

Got my shoe off.

Ah!

Run.

Don't drop any.

Shit!

Hey!

Quick! Back in.

Wow. That's extreme nudity.

Quick! I don't know how long I can stay this hard for.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Police!

All right, boys? Graham.

This gentleman's apartment has been broken into

and completely destroyed.

- Have you seen anything suspicious? - Yeah.

Someone broke into my apartment and did a liquid shit in the toilet.

DOOR OPENS

Oof!

- Oh, shit. - Oh, wait.

Who's died now?

- Psst! - Him.

Sarah Gilbeaux, are you annoyed at me? Is she annoyed at me?

Oh, thank God. Gilbeaux's coming over.

Hopefully, she'll forgive me and maybe draw me in the nude.

OK. Smarten up.

Er, Miss Gilbeaux is pressing charges.

THEY GROAN

- For breaking and entering and theft. - And defecation.

But I did it in the toilet, where it belongs.

It's true. It is a tricky charge.

- I'd also like to press charges. - Ruth!

Officer, where do you stand

on nonconsensual sharing of intimate images?

- Oh, fucking... Here we go. - Hi, Ruth.

- Hi. - Hi, Ruth. - Hi. - Hi, Ruth.

- OK. For the last time. - Yes? - These are mine.

I drew them. I can do whatever I want with them.

Actually, you can't share those without her consent.

I knew it. Oh, you Australian fuck-rag.

- "Fuck-rag"? - Bet you feel like a right idiot.

No, I don't feel like an idiot.

You're the one who just sent three people to break into my apartment -

- one of whom is a patient of yours. - And?

Which one of us do you think she's talking about?

Now, that is malpractice.

- Oh! - She's right. - "She's right"!

What do you know about malpractice?

What do you mean, what does he know? He's an officer of the law.

- Oh, sorry, officer. - Why are you such a bitch?!

Guys! Please stop.

Let's just drop all the charges, OK? I beg.

Ruth, what if you keep all the frontal nudes?

- You keep all the back rolls. - Maybe... - Yeah...

That way, if she sells them, no-one will even be able to tell it's you.

Yeah. That's pretty good. Is that legal? Like, in the court of law?

- Sure. - We should shake on it, probably. - Yeah. - Yeah.

- OK, Ruth. - OK, here we go.

RUTH CACKLES

- Loser! - Oh, you fucking dick!

DOOR CLOSES

Ugh!

That's theft.

Oh, fuck, I'm still in love with her.

- Ugh... Yep. - What, me?

- Really? - No - Ruth.

Oh, yeah. Fair enough.

God, she's a fast runner.

Probably should have run after her, shouldn't I?

Uh, you two, can you get off the bench and start scraping, please?

- Us? - And put your high-vises on?

Thank you.

- Cor, this bit's really stubborn, innit? - Yeah.

- But it feels good to give back. - Yeah.

# Can't live

# If living is without you

# I can't live

# I can't give any more

# I can't live

# If living is without you

# I can't live

# I can't give any more

# Oh, oh-oh-oh... #