Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

- So what's Karen left us in her will? - Well, debt. £10,000 debt to PayPal.

- £15,000 debt to Klarna. You've got 8,000 to Barclays. - Right, OK, look,

is this all bad debt or good debt?

Because sometimes you can have good debt.

- Correct? - You can, he's right. - Yeah, this is bad.

Any debt is bad.

Oh...

And you...you wouldn't be willing to sort of push it

under the carpet because of the tragic

and horrific things that happened to Karen recently?

Like, you'd think you just wouldn't even bring it up.

- Of course. - Well, that's not how it works, is it?

- As you well know. - You can't just give us a little discount

or something? You know, like a little something-something

for old times' sake.

No. She didn't...

SHE YAWNS

Sorry.

She didn't owe me the money.

I'm just reading...

Look, this is serious. You need to sort your finances out.

- I'm sorry. - Well, Karen does, technically,

- if anyone does. - No, you do. This is in your name.

Then why are you bringing up Karen?

Because she...

It's her debts. They pass on to you. That's what's happened.

So...

..be honest.

- What are we going to do, babe? - Don't call me that.

All I can suggest is that Lucia's house was listed

- in yours and Karen's name, so... - Correct.

..maybe you could sell your current property

and it would help pay off these debts.

Ah...

And all live together?

- No. - What, with Adam? - Obviously, we're not going to live together.

Oh, so where are you gonna live, then?

I'm gonna live in my house. You're not gonna live anywhere near me.

- You live with us? - I'm nothing to do with this.

- So why bring it up? - I did not bring it up.

And he wouldn't let me live with him, either.

- Does that make sense to you? - Sorry, who's this?

My lawyer.

SHE SCOFFS

Of course. Some people are the haves and some people are the have-nots.

But I'm not a financial adviser.

I am a therapist.

Oh...

Is that part of therapy, too?

It's just easier than doing it at home.

Right, come on, then. Wife died, left debt - go.

Well, we need money, Ruth, don't we?

- Big time. - Well, we could do something.

Ah, but it might be a bit risky.

Oh, OnlyFans.

No, worse than that.

I'll have to contact my sister, Claudia.

- Who? - I didn't even know you had family in your blood,

- so that's a surprise to me. - Yeah, and me.

Well, we're very different people, Chi, from very similar backgrounds.

Long story short, when we were kids, Mum and Dad got a divorce.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - No, it's fine.

And, erm, I had to go and live with Mum

because she was the more financially stable one.

- Mm. - Yeah. Makes sense.

But the thing about Mum was, she didn't trust the banks.

Look, if you want my advice, think inside the box.

Do something entrepreneurial.

Well, that could be your next task.

Yeah, all right.

- What are you talking about? - Make money.

- Do something entrepreneurial. - ..something entrepreneurial.

Like on Dragons' Den.

And because she didn't trust the banks,

Mum buried the block of gold.

Tesco's paved over it with a car park.

She spent the rest of her life just aimlessly digging.

Meanwhile, my sister married a Dettol executive,

who doubled her net worth in 24 hours.

Where are we?

We're in elite country.

- Canterbury. - Isn't this where they filmed Made In Chelsea?

Yeah, I think so.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

You can't come with me.

- What? Why not? - We want to help.

Yeah, but I need to ask for money.

And you guys,

you already look, you know, mega-successful and loaded.

- Yeah, fair enough. - Makes sense. - So I'll tell you what.

Wait by the van and promise me you won't come near the house.

OK?

Wait by the van.

Don't go near the house.

David.

Claire.

No, it's...Claudia now.

- Oh, God. Yeah, erm... - Mm.

Sorry.

Claudia.

David.

Claudia.

David.

Claudia.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

David.

- Er, erm... - So... Sorry. Yeah.

- Should I come in? - Erm, yep.

There's got to be some way we can make some money.

How do people make money?

Pointless Celebs.

- Yeah, but how'd you get on Pointless Celebs? - Ah...

Celebrity Big Brother.

How did you get on Celebrity Big Brother?

I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.

- And how do people become celebrities? - How do you get famous?

Murder.

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It's just, erm,

this is not a very convenient time for me.

It's OK. Er, because I was...thinking that we could,

you know, maybe catch up on all this lost time,

- maybe get back into each other's lives. - Mm-hm.

- Brother and sister-style. - Yeah.

Maybe.

It's just, I...

..can't.

Fair enough.

Erm, although I do have a business opportunity

that you might be interested in.

Fine. Erm, look,

why don't you come to lunch tomorrow?

- Yeah? I'll put on a dream spread. - Yeah.

Oh, and you can bring, erm...

- SHE CHUCKLES - ..Karen so I can finally meet

your imaginary girlfriend.

- Yeah. Er, well... - What, she's unavailable again?

What's she got? Like, diarrhoea, thrush, scabies?

No, there's nothing more she likes than a good dead...spread.

Spread. Definitely spread.

Oh, no!

Chi!

Lucas!

Hey, it's us. Don't look for us

because we've gone out to do what Ruth told us to do.

So don't look for us,

because we've gone out to do what Ruth's told us to do.

- Look. - Oh, yeah. - £500 worth of cat.

- Oh, and a cat. - Oh, yeah.

Do you think it's her - Bethanny?

Mm. Should we just take it to this place and see if it works?

Right. It says it's one minute away.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Well, it is a business opportunity, to be fair.

Yeah.

Hey, Dad told us not to go in.

- Yeah, but he also doesn't believe in ketchup, so... - Yeah.

CLAUDIA GASPS

- Oh, my God! Bethanny. - Ah...

Bethy, baby! My beautiful baby.

- Oh, thank you. - Sweet.

No, my cat - you found her.

Yeah, it was, erm, it was awful.

She was just, er, screaming for salmon

in the back of a local butcher's truck, wasn't she?

Yeah, it was...it was haunting, really.

- She was sort of screaming. - Barking. - She was screaming.

- Wailing. - Oh... - We just dropped everything.

We dropped everything. I was meant to be singing today

- at Judy Garland's memorial service. - Yeah, we had busy days.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God. - But wasn't there, like, a reward or something?

- Oh, a reward, yeah. - £5, was it? - Yes.

- No, no, no. Yeah, no, it's £500. - Wow.

- That is... - That is... - I'm floored.

- I'll just go and get it. - Oh, really? Would you?

- Yeah. - That's really sweet. - So, Bethy, you stay here.

CAT MEOWS

Good girl. Stay there.

Quick, go in and get the cat again.

- What? - Just go and get the cat.

- But why? - Just go. - OK.

CAT MEOWS

Here we go.

- Have you got her? - I can hear footsteps. Quickly.

Zip her up. Zip her up.

- OK. - I'm sorry I took so long.

I was...

SHE LAUGHS

I was looking in my Celine, but it was in my...it was in my Vivvy W.

SHE LAUGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, great!

- Should I sit here? - No, it's not a free-for-all.

- Sorry. - I've got a very strict rota.

Yeah, yeah. I was looking for Chi.

Long story short,

my sister's invited Karen to dinner at theirs.

And what did you say when she invited her?

- Well, I said she's coming. - Well, that was daft.

- OK. - Wow. - Oh, my God. Are you sure?

You brought me my Bethanny.

- Aww... - Yeah.

20, 40, 60, 80, 100, 120...

You don't have to count it. It's all there.

- It's a reward. - It's good to check.

Now, there's absolutely no way I can tell her that she's dead,

because she never believed me when I said I was with someone

in the first place.

Look, I am not coming to her house with you,

pretending to be your dead partner.

That's not happening.

80, 100, 20, 40, 60... Yeah. - Yep, is that OK?

Yes, thank you. We need to go, though, immediately.

- Yeah. - Because I don't think there's breathing holes in the bag.

- Yeah. - OK. - Thanks for this. - Thank you.

- It's been, erm... - It's been really nice.

Yeah, it's been real.

- Bye, guys. - See you tomorrow. - No, don't say that.

Clocks by Coldplay

I had such a happy childhood.

I could have had a great adulthood as well

if my parents had bothered to get insurance.

MUSIC CONTINUES

That's why I called Exciting Insurance,

so my future children don't have to worry.

Hiya. Welcome to Exciting Insurance. Can I help?

Well, you answered so quick.

Erm, thanks.

I'd just like to take up some life insurance, please.

OK, well, as long as you're a UK resident aged 18 to 104,

you may be entitled to a claim worth £750,000.

Oh, so everyone, really?

Exactly. We cover literally everyone.

Just a quick formality, but I've got to ask,

has anyone in your family died prematurely?

Yes, all of them.

Hello?

Life insurance.

Exciting.

Get that money.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, amazing.

There better be a lot of trauma this afternoon, Dave.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, no, actually, no. Hopefully not.

So what's the alibi this time?

- I don't know. We're gonna have to think on the spot. - Right.

Guys, guys, I know you've been stealing my cat.

No, no, no, we, erm, we found her again,

- but she was swimming. - Yeah.

In Asda.

I mean, where are your parents?

- Dead. - Oh.

- We're poor. - Oh.

We just wanted to provide...for the baby

that we're having together.

Oh.

Erm, would you like a drink or anything?

Oh, I'd love a water if you're making one.

- Yeah. - Tap water OK?

Yeah, or from a leak.

OK.

God, look.

My God, this place is mental.

Did you see how rich and small she was?

Tiny.

She could easily, easily financially provide for us.

And Dave, even.

Now, the thing about Karen was,

she didn't really have a sense of humour.

I mean, she preferred, well, music to comedy,

and books instead of movies,

Ant instead of Dec, you know?

- Well, that's fine. - Oh, and my sister's husband,

he's an executive for Dettol, so do not mention Mr Muscle.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right. Make sure you're toning down your usual posh voice.

Yeah, of course.

All right, mucker?

- How's that? - Too posh.

Erm...

Give us your bees and honey, you old slapper.

- How's that? - That'll do.

Thanks. Thanks, Rosa.

OK, here you are.

Thank you so much. Wow.

It's not even got bits in it or anything.

So how did you get into this state?

Well, you've been out of work since the mine closed,

and, er, I haven't been able to get a job

because all my family died of, erm, lack of teeth

and/or rickets.

- Yeah. - Well, that... I mean, that's niche.

Yeah, and, erm...

- ..my old man's a dustman. - Right. - True.

He actually... He wears a dustman's hat.

Oh.

Mm, OK.

I mean, ideally, I'd just like to be doing

sort of what that lovely senorita over there is doing, you know?

But I don't know, maybe I'd do it in a much better way,

- just because... - I reckon. - ..I need the work more.

- Yeah. - Right. - She looks cream-crackered.

She looks like...

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

Rosa, Rosa.

- Yeah, that's very offensive. - I will not hear a word against Rosa.

She told me that I look like Michael Buble.

- Well, you do a little bit. - Thank you. - Do you know what?

I'll cut to the chase.

- I mean, I-I often like to give back to my community. - Course.

I, you know, sometimes I give a tramp a grape.

I probably could help you out.

Yeah, because my stable often needs a muck-out.

- And sometimes a horse needs, like, brushing. - Horse?

- Horse? - Yeah, the horse.

- She's got a horse? - Yeah, of course I've got a horse.

I mean, it's OK.

OK, just before you go in...

..can you wear these?

What's that?

They're Karen's. It's her shoes and top.

It's important that you get into character.

Oh, no. I'm not wearing a dead person's clothes.

No way.

Not again.

You don't need to worry about me, OK?

I talk to rich bores every day.

It's my job.

I think I've got this.

Oh! I'm absolutely exhausted.

I can't believe she's actually making us work, to be honest.

Well, it'll be worth it, won't it,

when we get to live in this pussy palace?

Have you seen that horse?

Oh, yeah.

Don't know why, it sort of reminds me of you a bit.

Just keeps staring at me.

Erm, hi, you two.

Sorry to ask, just, erm,

I've got guests for lunch and I've got to prepare everything,

- so... - Oh, yeah. - Oh, right. - No, no, no,

we can't afford to be turning down work.

- No, so, yeah, we'll help. - No, that's not what I'm...

- Saves getting people in. - Yeah, you don't want to be doing that.

Er, OK, yeah. OK, fine, fine.

Ah, David. Welcome.

Oh, dear. Did Karen not make it?

Yes, of course she did.

Erm, Claudia, this is Karen.

Are you all right?

Yes.

I'm Ruth...

SHE GASPS

Karen.

Like RuPaul...

..but...

With...with Karen.

With Karen.

I'm RuKaren.

Oh, OK. Well, erm, lovely to meet you

- finally, RuKaren. - Shall we take our shoes off?

Yes, absolutely. Sorry, it's just that I've, erm... Yeah.

The floors have just been cleaned with hydrogen peroxide, so, yeah.

We don't let shoes pass our porch, do we?

No.

Could I have some privacy, please?

Because it's a cultural thing.

- Yeah. - Oh, oh, yeah, of course.

I tota...I totally, totally understand that.

Yeah. Yeah, you just...

Yeah, namaste. OK, I'll...

- What just happened then? - Well, I don't think these are coming off.

I've had to drop, like, five shoe sizes to get them on.

Oh, my God.

Chris, Chris, she's got, like, private feet.

- I don't know how I'm gonna get through... - Ahem. Oh. - Er, yeah.

- David, you remember my husband, Chris. - Of course.

Good evening, Chris.

Here he is. So good to see you again, David.

RUKAREN SHOUTS

Yep. And...this is...RuKaren.

Well, yeah, of course, David's girlfriend.

Er, wife, actually.

Yes, we're properly together.

- Yeah. - It's lovely to meet you, Chris.

But you never told me you got married.

Oh, yes. Er, because it was only a small wedding

due to the Covid pandemic.

So it was a tiny Zoom wedding,

which we held via...Zoom.

You could have sent the link.

It's so weird seeing you again.

- You know, it takes me way back. - Well, you know,

I just thought, like, I'd bury the hatchet.

Life's too short.

I have a business opportunity.

Have you still got a piss drawer?

- A what? - Excuse me?

Yeah. He used to have a drawer and he'd, like, do wees in it

in the night instead of getting up and moving.

Eugh!

- Why didn't you go in the toilet? - Yeah. - It's so unhygienic.

We're gonna have to unpack this.

This sounds like a trauma response to me.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

No, because I didn't want to wake up Mum and Dad.

HE LAUGHS

- No, that doesn't... - Yeah, it d...

Sorry, is everything all right there, David?

Anyway, how's...how's your boy?

Do you know, I have not seen him since he was this big.

Yes, he...he's good, thanks. He works in law now.

- Ah. - After finishing his degree at Oxford

in Cambridge.

He's a copyright criminal barrister of attorney.

Good afternoon, ladies and gents.

We will be your humble slaves fo...

Guys, OK, so this is David,

and this is RuKaren.

That's my brother and my sister-in-law.

- Karen? - Yes.

That's not Karen.

No, no, no, that definitely is Karen.

OK.

Sorry, I just assumed she'd be more...

..dead.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

- Unbelievable. - OK, I'm...I'm so sorry.

Please, have a little bit of compassion.

So these are our new employees, Spike and Cheryl.

We have rescued them from the streets,

where they're in a terrible, terrible situation.

As you can see, she's nearly ready to give birth to her little baby.

And they have no help at all.

- A baby? - Yeah. - Right.

Well, that's, er...

And...and how long have you been together?

- Since forever, really. - Yeah. That's the joy of being cousins.

Huh!

- Oh. - Hah, yeah. Erm...

May I interest you in some champers, you old tart?

Yeah. Mm.

- Did you want some champers? - Oh, he's asking you if...

Oh, no, he's definitely asking you.

- Oh, I don't think so. - OK, he absolutely was, weren't you?

Which tart are you talking to?

- It is yourself. - Yeah. See I told you so.

I mean, you've got to try and love.

They are a little bit rough round the edges,

but they're just educating and learning, so...

- You've done, yeah, a great job. - Thank you.

And I'm going to go to the lavatory.

Try not to piss in the drawer.

- I'm going to go to the lavatory. - Yeah.

Sorry?

I'm going to go to the lavatory.

Yes, you told us.

I might go over to the lavatory as well,

- because I feel that I might have the baby any minute. - Ah, really?

- Goodness me! - That's exciting.

Oh, God.

Chi, what are you doing?

I told you to stay away.

You've got to stop.

I'm providing for us, Dave, OK? Look at this house.

It looks like Henry VIII.

Yeah, well, I'm providing.

I'm not sure you should be on the bed.

- Anyway, Ruth is dressed up as... - Oh, good gracious.

I do apologise

cos I was just going to get the old...the old phone charger.

CHRIS LAUGHS

Was it the lavatories you were looking for?

You've overshot it, I'm afraid. It's down the hallway.

OK, so the lavatory's down the...down the hallway, is it?

- Yeah. - Brilliant. Yeah, cos I'm gonna go in a sec.

- OK. - Great.

- Good for you. - Yeah.

And you're... Sorry, and you're doing?

Just...

- You know. - Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you go to the toilet first

and I'll follow Spike?

- Right. - Ladies second.

I don't actually need to go.

- I was more... - Oh.

- See...see you, Chris. - Right.

8%, so I'd better...

HE LAUGHS

Yeah, so if you pay off the mortgage,

you actually would own a small share in the property,

which equates to around 50% of the back bedroom.

- Oh, shit, sorry. That's, er... - Show him the bunk beds.

Yeah. There's no possible way you could know about that.

Think. Anyway, yeah, it does have good bunk beds.

Ooh! Smells good.

No, I'm sorry, there's not enough food for all of us.

We'll get a takeaway in, then, shall we?

- What, here? - That's a great idea.

Well, do you know what? I think this is all very doable for us.

- Oh, why the heck not? We're in. - Why not, darling?

Why not? Well, it's family, isn't it?

Oh, brilliant! Brilliant.

Oh, sorry, did you want to clean the horse?

Huh? Oh, no, no, no.

No, I just visit him.

Yeah, he's a good boy.

Yeah, no, he's a right laugh.

HORSE WHINNIES

See? He's happy.

- Happy to see me, huh? - Yeah.

It's just a shame he's all on his own, you know,

like a single horse.

- Oh. - I suppose a singular horse would be a hose, but...

Horse, huh?

Friends, mm?

Family...

SHE IMITATES GUNSHOT

..dead. Mm?

- What, like his parents? - Yeah. - Cos my parents died.

I know what that's like. That's a nightmare.

No.

Saved, mm?

From slaughterhouse.

Eh?

Then, huh?

- Slaughterhouse? - Yes. Hah!

What?

They killed his parents?

Yes. Slaughterhouse.

Yeah.

Saved me, too. Eh?

You need saving from them as well?

Oh, gracias.

- My God, what type of people are they? - Ah...

Don't eat the food. It's probably a horse.

- What? - What?! - Yeah.

This is a really bad idea, Dave, OK?

We cannot live here.

You have no idea how evil,

sick, twisted and deranged

these two people are.

HE STAMMERS

Living here?!

Evil people? I'm sorry, what?

Yeah. David, do you know this person?

Well, I mean, actually, looking at her,

she does look a bit familiar now you mentioned it.

- Yeah. - Do you know what?

If being a have means having little legs,

tall shoes and slaughtering horses,

then I would rather be a have-not!

Do any of you know what it's like to have not parents?

Hmm?

Whatever is happening here, I'm still Karen.

Well, I don't believe that now.

OK, OK, OK, I'm sorry.

Are you mental?

Nobody has slaughtered a horse.

We rescued that horse from a slaughterhouse in Canada.

I brought him here on a plane. I nursed it back to life.

- You're a hero. You're actually a hero. - Thank you.

You begged them.

They said, "You cannot have this horse on a plane,"

and you begged them.

Yes, I did. Do it in the Canadian accent, darling.

- No horse on the plane. - Yeah.

But we didn't listen to them.

No, we didn't. We brought it back and we loved it.

That's really lovely, actually.

Good on you.

Erm, but just quickly, how fast can horses walk?

Because I have set it free out of your backside.

CHRIS AND CLAUDIA GASP

What?!

Right, erm, let's get Rosa. Rosa!

- It's all kicking Frank Bough, innit? - Rosa! Rosa!

No, I've set her free as well so...

OK.

- She doesn't listen, does she? - No.

OK.

David, what exactly is going on here?

HE SIGHS

- God. - Yeah.

This has all been a sham.

My name's not David.

- It's Dave. - Oh...

Lucas, my son, is not a lawyer.

He's actually the Cockney chimney sweep sat right here.

Surprise, Auntie.

I've got a mortgage that I can't afford.

Karen's dead.

SHE GASPS

- This isn't even Karen. - Oh.

This is a woman I found at a therapist's office last week.

My business card.

No, thank you very much.

Just give me...give me the card.

Chris!

Well, see, I don't know...

Tell you what.

You can all just...

..fuck off my property!

Yes, swearing!

- Well. - Get out.

Get out!

OK, before we go, before we go,

is anyone interested in investing in my debt?

No?

OK?

OK.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Fudge off! - Yes, well done, Chris. Go on.

- Get on a bike and fuck the bike and leave! - Yes!

ROSA SHOUTS

- Don't you do one. - No, Rosa, no swearing, please.

God forbid.

Dad, can we get Deliveroo tonight?

I'm not sure we can afford takeaways now.

Well, actually, erm...

..we might be able to.

You can see the cat, right?

Come on, let's go.

You can be free. You don't need all this.

- I'm trying to help. - No! No!

- Home! - Slaughter home!

Slaughter home!

Go, be free!

- Quick! - No!

- No! - Quick!

You, go.

- You! - No!

Oh!

No!

Give me, give me.

Give me!