Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

My name's Chi and my parents were flattened by a lorry.

Can we come in? It's your parents, Lucia.

They've unfortunately...passed on.

Well, do you know if they're all right, or...?

They weren't all right.

The house goes to my daughter, Lucia,

on the condition that she completes

the list of things I've written down.

How come she has to do things that YOU'VE written down?

Luckily, I can still talk to my dead parents.

Why does Dad have a mullet?

Sorry, is that really the only weird thing about this to you?

They were worried I wouldn't do anything with my life,

so they left me an annoying long list.

- Learn to drive. - Yeah.

TYRES SCREECH

It's not going in, this. I don't know why...

That's not the gear, that's my knee!

- Get a job, Chi. - What's wrong with you?

I've got this awful rash.

- Whereabouts? - Amazing.

Learn to cook.

Just...spit...

..into the bowl.

- No! - I couldn't have done it

without my amazing friends and/or family.

Especially my loving Auntie Karen.

I'm gonna die. This is exactly what you wanted!

Help me up, you can keep the house!

She's like the mother I used to have.

You let that imbecile cook, did you?

Move your big fat ham hock legs over.

Don't pander to her. She can walk!

I'm starting to really enjoy working through the list.

Things have never been better.

Apart from when my parents were alive, obviously.

Oh, Gav, I'm so bored.

How much longer till brunch?

Mum? Oh, Stacey's birthday.

I'm James Corden.

All right, Stace, how's it going, all right?

- So funny. - Gosh, yeah, that's brilliant.

Michael, why are we in the attic?

KNOCK ON DOOR

- Who's that? - Oh, it'll be Karen coming to check the house.

- I'm James Corden. - Quick, tidy that up,

and turn that off. She hates comedy, remember?

- Hi. - Hi.

Don't I know you guys?

There's...been an accident.

Again.

- Oh. OK. - All right.

Your relative...

..Karen Cassidy-Grit,

um, unfortunately passed away

this afternoon at her workplace.

What?

- Yep. - It's fine, he's joking.

- Oh. - It's just a joke.

They do, like, weddings and hen do's and stuff.

Oh, well, get your knob out, then.

No, I'm... I'm not joking.

Go on, then. How'd she go, then?

Yeah. Go on, then, mate. Tell us.

OFFICER SIGHS

- Mm... - Oh, he's got props.

She left a health and safety seminar early...

THEY CHUCKLE

..and she, um...

..tripped over a Hoover cord.

THEY LAUGH

A Hoover?

And then she fell down a flight of stairs.

- She took a flight down the stairs! - Bit excessive, Karen.

THEY CHUCKLE

It's a bit excessive, isn't it?

Yeah.

You are joking, aren't you?

No.

I'm afraid there's, um...

..nothing funny about this.

What...?

It's happening again.

We've been trying to contact her partner, David.

But...

..so far we haven't been able to.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Give me some ice.

I've just delivered a bicycle...

...to Elton John's...

..cousin's...

..friend.

What's going on here, then?

Anyone Who Knows What Love Is by Irma Thomas

That can't be everyone.

Oh.

They're going to start the toddler group in a minute,

- so we better go in. - Right.

# You can blame me

# Try to shame me

# And still I'll care for you... #

Um. Good evening, everyone.

Woo.

It's love...

Sorry. Um. Before I start, I just want to say,

Um, I've never done this before.

Except for when all my parents died.

So I have to admit, I did find a template online.

Thanks.

SHE SNIFFLES

OK.

Karen, you've not only been an auntie to me,

but a great brother too.

That's when we aren't arguing over who can...

..pull the fittest bird.

Dave is a very lucky...

..guy today, and I think we can all agree that...

..beautiful in his gown.

As you start this new chapter in your lives,

I just want you to know how happy I am...

..for you that this is happening.

So let's raise our glass.

Here's to Karen.

To Karen.

To Karen.

APPLAUDS SOFTLY

Well, that went well.

If there's anything you need, I'm there.

Yeah, I'll have a think.

I just don't know how to get over this.

Brimful Of Asha by Cornershop

MUSIC STOPS

You're going to have to do it.

Yeah. Of course.

MUSIC RESUMES

Bonjour.

MUSIC STOPS

HE IMITATES AN ENGINE

# Dancing behind movie scenes

# Behind the movie scenes... #

MUSIC STOPS

It's good.

All right. Big smile.

And spit.

No, in the sink.

# Brimful of Asha on the 45... #

MUSIC STOPS

- Lucas? - Yes.

Are you sure that the duck

goes in the turkey BEFORE the chicken?

Yeah, I think so.

As long as the chicken isn't plus size.

Well, she's good to enter.

Yeah.

Ponytail's getting long, Dad.

Yeah, I was thinking of dyeing it.

What do you reckon?

Yeah. Or cutting it, either/or.

Sorry, what do you mean, "either/or?"

I'm not sure about it.

- I'm gonna go and get some clippers. - OK.

Karen. Karen. Karen, please.

- Karen. - Chi...

- Karen? - Chi.

- Karen. - Chi!

Oh, it's you.

Oh. Someone's got an attitude.

She's been like this for days now.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to communicate with Karen.

I just want to catch up with her

and have a chat like I do with you guys.

But I'm just getting nothing.

Why don't you do something from the list?

Get therapy. That's a good one!

Oh, that is a good one cos we always thought

you'd need therapy one day.

You know, I would. You know I would

if I thought I needed it, but...

..I just don't think it's for me.

Like, if anything...

..I'm mentally thriving right now.

CHI SNIFFLES

What... What is all this, Chi?

What?

Well, this.

Well, basically, there's lights for every letter of the alphabet.

And you communicate to people via the lights

like Winona Ryder did in Strangered Stuff.

Yeah, but you've only got about seven letters.

Yeah, well, she never said a lot.

I mean, she could say...

..tuba.

- Really? - Yeah, I mean,

that'd be a nice conversation to have with her.

Can she say twat? Can she?

- Well, yeah, she's got the T and the W... - Oh, good.

- ..and you could use the T again. - Yeah.

Why have you got two number eights but no other numbers?

Habanera from Carmen

Oooh! Get therapy!

Get therapy.

Lucif Mortadelli.

- Is that you? - Maybe. Yeah.

Yeah, fine. Why not?

Sorry, my schedule's all out of order.

Uh, unless you're Rohan Deshpande?

No, I'm Lucia Mor...

Lucia Morelli, like you just said.

Yes. That's what I just said. Yeah.

All right. OK, well, let's...

What a depressing face.

Let's just get your consultation notes up

and we'll see what's wrong with you. OK.

Bereavement, neglecting emotions,

having difficulty with daily tasks. Yes.

Lacks self-awareness, abandonment issues...

Oh!

You can see your dead parents?

Yeah. That's not what I'm here to talk about, though.

Here to talk about Karen?

Karen? Who's Karen?

Um, that's my auntie.

Yeah. She, um, she thought she was pregnant,

but turns out she just had a stomach bug.

- And then she died. - Because of the bug?!

Uh, no. She tripped over a Hoover cord

and fell down 86 stairs at a work training day.

Sorry. And you lost both your parents last year, too?

Yeah, they got, uh, obliterated by a lorry.

Oh, God.

No.

This is great.

Start at the beginning.

Well, it all started in 1984...

Not that far back.

Well, she won't need this any more.

And she won't need that any more.

She won't need most of it, really.

True!

HE WHISTLES CHEERFULLY

Is that Match Of The Day?

God, yeah.

What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be sad doing this.

I really don't understand why I'm so happy and joyous at the moment.

Well, grief affects everyone

in different ways, but...

..maybe you're just not thinking of the right things.

All right.

Go on then, son.

- Trigger me. - OK.

The, uh, the discontinued McDonald's breakfast bagel.

I'd be sadder than that. Much sadder.

Smiler ride crash at Alton Towers?

Oh, God!

Janine running over Danielle in 2009.

- Yay! - 9-11?

STIFLES LAUGH

Lady Di?

DAVE LAUGHS

The Yulin Dog Meat festival.

- CONTINUES LAUGHING - The disappearance of Flight 370?

HE LAUGHS

Oh!

LAUGHTER SUBSIDES

What is the matter with me? I'm absolutely buzzing.

Yeah. I mean, you're probably wondering

how I've been coping with the whole grieving situation.

You know what with another lady in my life

just sort of disappearing prematurely.

Yeah. Brilliant. OK.

- Let's go. - Yeah, of course.

Bye, Karen!

- Oh... - No.

DAVE LAUGHS

- She's not here! Because she's... - Yeah, she's...

That's not funny, actually.

THERAPIST TUTS

THERAPIST SIGHS

So, yeah, I've just been, uh, sort of ticking things off.

No, I mean, it's all wrong.

You've essentially been grieving from a shopping list.

And without any professional guidance at all.

Hmm. Lucky for you, I'm an award-win...

..uh, nominated therapist, and I can

actually help you work through your grief.

- Hmm. - But I am going to have to keep this list.

Wait. No, no, you can't... You can't keep it.

Because Karen was the only one

who I let have an extra copy other than me.

Yes, but she's dead though, isn't she?

But I can still feel her around me, though. Like...

There's probably just moths, then.

Look, when you're dead, that's it. OK?

You cease to be.

You are worm meat. OK?

- There's no after-party. - Right. - OK?

Yeah, but see, this is what you're not getting.

I can actually still see my parents, I just can't see Karen.

So, like, make that make sense.

Yes, I... Look, I want to help you. I mean, I really,

really do, but in order for me to help you,

you're going to have to stop with this silly, spooky nonsense.

Sorry, do you know if you're professionally trained?

- Come on! - In fact, I think I'm just gonna go.

Excuse me. Sorry?

Are you seriously walking away from six free therapy sessions?

I have a waiting list of four years down the road.

Yeah, well, I've got an auntie that I need to go

find out where she is. OK?

So think about that.

SLAMS DOOR

Do you have any idea where I might be able to find her?

I don't know, do I? Where you last saw her.

Oh. That church.

Where's Karen's box?

Hi. Uh, what's going on?

Oh, we're just finishing, unfortunately.

- Oh, really? - Yeah. Sorry.

Shit turnout.

Just looking for my auntie.

Oh, she's probably at the big one just up by the McDonald's.

- It's where they all go now. - Oh.

Amazing. All right.

Thanks. Amen.

# I sit and wait

# Does an angel contemplate my fate?

# And do they know the places where we go

# When we're grey and old?

# Cos I have been told...

14. Look after your spleen, it's 14.

# That salvation... #

64. 64, knock on the door, who's that? It's 64.

64. When I'm 64.

37. Gateway to heaven. Three-seven. 37.

Gateway to heaven?

# Thoughts running through my head... #

- Karen. - 31.

31. Throw me into the sun.

Turn my body to ashes. Fry me like a crisp.

It's 31. Three-one.

Praise the Lord.

- Bread and wine, please. - We have garlic bread.

OK. Yeah. Modern.

I suppose even Jesus can't say no to a bit of seasoning.

# Down the waterfall

- # Wherever it may take me... # - Karen?

# I know that life won't... #

Stick around, guys, for your chance

to bag this Driftmax Cordless IZ900 vacuum worth £400.

No more tripping up on cords with this bad boy here.

# I'm loving angels instead. #

She tripped on a Hoover cord

and fell down a flight of stairs.

Karen.

# Ma-i-a hi, ma-i-a hu... #

Dave Gread.

I've seen Karen. She's come back as a hoover.

Yeah, Chi, Karen's not with us any more,

and I'm really, really upset about that.

HE CHUCKLES

Where are you, anyway?

- I'm at the bingo church. Be quick. - Yeah, but what? I...

And I just don't feel listened to.

- PHONE RINGS - Oh. Can you give me a second?

Oh, well, guess who was goddamn wrong.

- Who is this? - Hello?

I defied the odds and I found my dead auntie.

Young old girl who looks like a Tudor?

You haven't dug someone up, have you?

I just wanted to call you to let you know that you were

wrong and unhelpful.

And I found my auntie. She's a hoover.

This is quite interesting, actually.

Oh, yeah?

No, not you!

Erm, is that you in there, Father?

Heavenly Father, is that you in there?

Sorry, are you... Are you talking to me?

- Yeah. I just wanted to start by saying... - OK, I don't know

- who you are... - ..I'm sorry. - ..and I'm not sure what this...

And I hope you can forgive me.

Sorry, you might have got the wrong...wrong person here.

Forgive you for what, sorry?

Well, you probably know all about poor Karen,

- but I don't even know where to start... - I don't know a Karen.

- ..but there was... - Don't know a Karen.

You know, there was this time she asked me to pass her

some toothpaste, so I passed her what I thought was Colgate,

- but it was, ah... It was Canesten. - Yeah, sorry, look, look,

- I think there's been... - And, uh, it was, it was all fine...

I think there's been a mistake. Can I just... Do you mind if I...

- ..running out with... - Do you mind if I...

Look, I don't understand who Karen is. I don't understand who you are.

- She had all this... - I've no idea why you're talking to me.

Luckily, it did clear the thrush in the mouth.

I just want to have a shit and get back to work.

- It happened with the Anusol as well. - Why are you still talking?

- And the garlic puree... - Why are you talking about Anusol?

Why are you talking about An...

So go on, then. Erm, how long have you been a nun for?

Oi, Chi!

There she is.

- You all right? - Oh, all right?

I've been struggling a bit.

Oh, wait. Why is my terrorist here?

Oh, jeez, therapist. Oh, my God...

I don't know if you're allowed to say this,

but it's a real pleasure to meet you, Your Highness.

Oh, you don't need to call me...

Yes, actually, do call me that.

Hi, Dave Gread, Chi's uncle-in-law.

Erm, look, I think she thinks that her Auntie Karen

- is here, but... - She's a hoover.

Yes. Where is she, then, Chi?

Well, you'll find out in a minute.

The priest announces it every 15 minutes.

- 33... - Priest?

What do you think this place is?

A church.

Number one, all alone.

Well, I just feel like a right idiot.

People are gonna think I'm stupid.

Come on, let's get out of here

before we all become crippling addicts.

Why don't you go home, have a nice, relaxing bath,

maybe shave off that moustache, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. No, I suppose we could have a soak and a splash.

- Yeah, nice. - Ah, no.

You didn't mean both of you together in that first part, did you?

I mean, I wouldn't usually share a bath with a client,

but if she thinks it'll help.

OK, well, whilst we're on the topic,

I wonder if you could do me - not in the bath.

Recently, I've been feeling this unusual sixth sense of

great happiness, which is quite concerning.

Sorry, I'm closed at the minute.

You know, out of hours?

Right, OK. Well, maybe we could suggest another time, or...?

- No. - No? OK.

I've actually really been struggling a lot recently.

You know, losing woman after woman after woman.

My mum, who was a woman. my stepmum, who was a woman.

My uncle, who might have been a woman, you know...

- KLAXON - OK. Good evening, ladies and gents.

We'll be starting our next game in five minutes.

But before that, I have to introduce our interim prize for the night.

It's this Driftmax Cordless IZ900,

worth £400.

But in the meantime, it's Ring Doorbell raffle time.

Get those raffle numbers ready.

This is what I was meaning.

It's her. She's a hoover. Karen.

I can feel it.

Can you feel it?

- Erm... - Can you feel it, Lucas?

- Yes, I suppose so. - That means she's punishing me.

She knows I've been enjoying life too much since she's been gone,

so she's sending out a warning.

God. Ruth, you're the professional.

KLAXON SOUNDS

What do you think?

I just went and rung the doorbell!

I can't believe it! Oh, my God.

Sorry. I just think if it helps you, Chi, you know, who am I to say

whether your auntie's come back as a hoover or not?

So that was the Ring Doorbell raffle prize.

Real thrill-a-minute here, eh? Exciting!

RAGTIME PIANO MUSIC

COUGHING

- You there, young girl? - Me?

What ARE you doing?

Oh, I'm just sucking up all the dirt, hair and shit

off the carpet before my husband gets home.

- It's the only way. - Surely, there's another way?

- Mm-mm. - Shut those dirty suck lips.

I'm going to introduce you to something

out of this world.

What's this mental machine?

This is a Driftmax Vacuum,

here to save you from aimlessly sucking up debris

into your windpipes.

Oh, it... It can't be.

It can.

And complete with three top lady features.

One, dainty hand holder.

- Two, female-friendly suction. - Ah!

Watch those fingers.

Oh! Silly me.

Three, colostomy windbag.

Give it a squeeze.

What's this extra long hose pipe that's attached to it?

Aha! That's the best feature.

An extended cord.

Talk about a cord!

Now you can hoover AND cook

and smoke.

Look at her go. What a lucky woman!

RAGTIME PIANO MUSIC

SHE CHOKES

MUFFLED SPEECH

Can you say that a bit louder for our viewers?

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, my God. Something terrible has happened.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Pauline, good grief!

What are you doing not in the kitchen?

Driftmax Suckmaster, in all good stores now.

- You've... - No, you've got that... - Stop, stop.

I've got it, I've got it.

It's 35, three-five.

35. And you've got thir...

Can you not talk over the man, please?

One score. 20.

Does it count if you just have the two and not the 0?

Great. I've missed that last number now, you slut.

I think it was a six. His mouth looked a little bit like

- he did a six. - Yeah?

- Will it be nine, no? - Upside down nine, yeah.

I think I'm just gonna risk what I've got, yeah.

- Bingo! - What?

Sounds like we have a winner already!

Wasn't that quick?

Let's see those lucky numbers.

Can I have the hoover, please?

No. Not the hoover round yet, no.

Let's have a look at your sheet.

- I did say "Bingo," to be fair. - True. - Yeah, OK.

Everyone's waiting.

Let's, ah, let's see those numbers!

What, don't you trust women?

- Is that what it is? - No, that's not... That's not it at all.

You are ruining this night for everyone.

- Just show me the sheet. - No, because what if my numbers

- aren't necessarily the same as your numbers? - Just give it!

False alarm, everybody.

It turns out we've got some overenthusiastic dabbers over here.

All right, we're going to take a quick break,

and then we'll be right back with the chance to win

the Drifting Suckmaster 100, whatever the name of the hoover was.

Sorry, if you're going to say her name, can you at least

say it right? It's Karen.

- Not Suckmaster. - She would have hated that.

Ridiculous.

No, we'll just have to get Karen back a different way.

Lucassen, I need the toilet.

What? Really?

- Yeah, really bad. - Oh. Together?

Together.

What are you doing? You can't be in here.

- Why? - Yeah, why?

What do you mean, why?

- Oi, give us the numbers for the next game. - Yeah.

Otherwise, I'll do something I regret, OK?

Well, I don't.... I don't know what they'll be.

Didn't you follow me into the toilets earlier?

- Did you? - Well, I thought he was a priest.

Oh. Fair enough.

Look, you've got to go. The next game's about to start.

- Go on. - Lucas, lock the door. - Yeah.

No. Keep the door unlocked.

- No... - No, obviously not both of us on this side.

- Oh, yeah, sorry. - Yeah, both on the other side. Exactly.

- No, me on the other side! - Yeah, sorry...

- Yes, both. You as well, please. - I'm going to save Karen!

OK, both of you, please. Both of you, please.

Out.

- All right? - Yeah, I'm all right. Are you all right?

I suppose I better get out there. I don't want to...

Why are you sitting down?

Hello, everyone.

Turns out I'm the bingo now because...

..the other guy won't let the right people win.

This is the hoover round, so pay attention,

especially Dave and Ruth.

Let's go.

- The next game's about to start and I really need to get out... - Hey!

I will get physical if you leave me with no choice, sir.

OK?

- Come on, you. - No, no, no, no... - I need to get out there.

I can't let the game start without me!

- Please don't shout at me. - I'm not shouting.

- You shouted at me. - It's just I've tried really patiently,

and you're being... You're being absolutely a nasty piece of work.

- Come on. - No, please!

- Let me out. - No!

Number two.

Erm, train number two.

Number four.

Helicopter number four.

I think we should get her off the stage.

It's a process, Dave. It's just part of a healthy process.

33. Lucy Letby, 33.

Say goodbye to your leg.

Give me it back!

- Give me it back! - No, you can't - I've got it! - Please, please.

- Please. - I've got a stitch.

- Would you like a glass of water? - Yeah, please.

- I'm actually really thirsty. - Yeah, all right.

- Just this. Yeah. - Thank you.

- We get three of them a day, so... - Really?

Yeah, yeah.

We get sandwiches as well, actually.

Oh...

Where shall I put it?

Ah... I'm keeping mine on the shelf, actually, just over there.

No!

Argh!

42. Ekin-Su, 42.

Bingo!

No, I mean... I mean, 48. Can you sit back down, please?

Thanks.

Six.

# Ma-i-a hi, ma-i-a hu

- # Ma-i-a ho... # - Number four.

Dave, pick up the phone. Number four.

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Number four. Dave, pick up the phone. Number four.

Hello. Dave Gread.

- Hup... - Ow!

Please, please, please...

I have to get out of here!

Can you tell me what your numbers are, please?

She wants me to tell her the numbers.

You can't cheat at Bingo.

Oh, you're only five away from a full house, actually.

Get off!

Quick round. 17, 16, 14, 22. Over.

Sorry, everyone!

Very clearly having some issues tonight with security.

Yeah, no, sorry. This one's actually not real.

- He's AI. Thanks. Erm... - Ah! - Sorry, everyone...

..for everything. You know, I actually really enjoy looking

at your lovely little faces.

Erm, it's just that something really horrible keeps happening, where

all my family keep dying, and it's really hard for me

to take in and really deal with it at the minute, actually.

And, ah, the only thing I know is that I'm 185 per cent sure

that my dead auntie is inside this Driftmax Cordless IZ900.

Wow. Way to bring the vibe down much?

It's supposed to be Fun Fridays.

It's fun - we're supposed to be having fun.

LAUGHTER

Have you heard of fun?

No, sorry!

Shame on you.

Shame.

Why are you laughing?

This girl is clearly grieving in a very, very, very unique way.

OK? Now, death is real,

and it comes for us all.

Some sooner than others.

You know, some people grieve with an unusual sense of happiness.

Others take to wrestling men

because they can't talk about their feelings.

You know, I've really been having a hard time

- and I've been trying to speak... - Others take to impersonating

a bingo caller in a casino they thought was a church.

Now, that's all normal and healthy.

OK?

Chi, say goodbye to Karen.

- No, no, no... - Say it, say it.

Come on.

You can do this.

Bye, Karen.

I love you, and...

- ..I'll see you soon, OK? - No, you're not going to see her soon.

CHI SIGHS

Looks like we're back on, guys.

Saturday Night by Whigfield

Hold on, hold on. There's no-one listening to this.

This... This is top-tier stuff.

HOOVER WHIRS

Do you know what? It's such a relief to hear that you think

- I'm healthy and normal. - You're not normal or healthy.

But you literally just said it, just then.

Yeah. I was just being a professional.

No, there's a lot of work to do.

Oh, look.

There she goes.

Oh, bollocks!

Bless her. She looks so peaceful.

Bye, Auntie Karen.

Bye, Kaz.

Bye, Karen.

Fucking thing!

Celebration by Kool & The Gang

Ah... Argh!

- # Celebrate good times, come on - Let's celebrate... #

HOOVER WHIRS

Shut it!

# Celebrate good times, come on

# It's a celebration

- # Celebrate good times... # - Fuck off!

Fucking stay there. Fuck!