Original subtitles

GHOSTLY VOICES: Get out of Kent... Get out of Kent...

It's weird there's no paella.

Well, we are in an Italian restaurant in Ramsgate.

I mean, obviously, we're not in Spain yet.

Do you think we're making the right decision going to Spain?

I can't believe it's, like, actually happening.

Definitely, babe. Honestly, all due respect,

you are like a massive burden on your auntie.

CHI LAUGHS

Yeah. A few people have actually said that to me now.

Have they? Yeah. Honestly, I think the sooner you're gone,

the better it will be for everyone really. Yeah, so true, yeah.

Obviously in, like, a really positive way.

Yeah, positive way, yeah.

Best thing is that my sister said that we can stay in her villa.

Oh, my God. So it's basically going to be like living in Casa Amour.

From Love Island?

VOICE FADES INTO BACKGROUND: Yes. Yeah, that... Yeah sort of. Yeah.

So, yeah, I don't... Ah!

Tommy, can you give me my hair bun back!

What are you doing?

Oh, Spain.

It's nice.

It's just how imagined it.

- Have you told Auntie Karen about Spain yet?

- No, I forgot.

She's going to be devastated.

- Let her down gently.

Break the news somewhere she likes, maybe?

Somewhere she can't shout at you.

- Well, no, she'd never shout at me.

But, yeah, you've got a good point there. Where I would tell her?

- Why you asking me? I'm a prawn.

- But where?

Hmm...

Spain?!

What are you going to do in Spain?

Basically, I'll be moving out there for my gap year

and then Chi said that she wanted to a gap year too.

I'd love one, yeah. Sorry, but what is going to happen with the hou...?

With my house?

Now that is something that's actually been worrying me sick.

Because...I don't know.

I was thinking maybe giving it away, like my lawyer did to me,

to, like, say, Lucas, Sarah Gillbeaux, Gary?

LUCAS: Dad, can we get this bath?

DAVE: Not now, boy!

It's MY house!

Obviously you're going to give it to me. Well, hold on...

You want the house now?

Yes! OK. Well, you can have it.

What?! Excellent.

Yeah. Offer accepted.

So, what...? Yeah, you can have it.

Well...

Erm, yeah. Yeah?

Do you, Karen, take Chi's house

to be your lawfully wedded house?

Do I have to touch her? Just say "I do".

I do. That's great.

I've never seen your teeth before. That's great. So...

Yeah, OK, yeah, OK. OK, yeah.

Come on, Dave, let's go.

OK. Let's, let's... OK, all right. Bye, then.

So, we're all good then, yeah, regarding Spain and stuff, yeah?

Oh, my God.

I'm getting the house! I'm getting the house!

She's devastated. There's no... there's just...

I just don't think I can think of anything

that could make it up to her. Not one thing.

I don't even know how she holds it all together so well, to be honest.

She's... No, I don't, I don't.

Yeah, the whole not getting pregnant thing.

Oh, that's such a shame.

I just think, God, it would really cheer her up.

Oh, yeah, I suppose.

"Have vaginal sex regularly."

OK. Right.

Orgies.

Right, what's an orgy?

Hey, babe, looking for fun?

Oh, I'm just trying to get my auntie pregnant.

Do you know who I am?

Oh, no sorry. You seem friendly, though.

I'm Diana Jones, a fucking cock destroyer from Bristol.

Orgies you're looking for?

Click here for me, babe.

Oh, OK, perfect.

Click here. Yeah, I am.

Click here! I am clicking, it's just...

Click here, click here... I'm clicking!

Click here! Click, click, click, click... Ah, cool.

How do you get that to turn on? They're all display models.

I don't know, have you heard of orgies? Have I?

I was thinking about maybe throwing one for Karen?

To get her pregnant, you know? Oh, my God, finally, yes.

Come on, let's do this! I love an orgy.

Oh, great. OK, talk to me. Right, OK.

Well, so... How do we begi...?

Like, begin one, how does that...? Well, if we say what it is,

then Karen's not going to want to come, so. Yeah, no.

I can see that happening.

I know what we do, we'll say that it's...

We'll say that it's a leaving party.

It's a leaving party.

We'll say it's just... Yeah, yeah. ..a leaving party.

"Hey, Kaz, do you want to come to our leaving party?"

"Yeah, do you want to come to our leaving party?"

"It's just a leaving party." "It's just a leaving party."

"It's not an orgy." SHE LAUGHS

"No, it's nothing else. What else should it be? Nothing."

"It's just a leaving party cos we're leaving." Cos we're leaving.

Luckily for you, babe, I can turn pretty much anything into an orgy.

Oh, my God.

There's nothing you can't do.

Babe, honestly, you've come to the right person.

Ooh, do you think we could do a boot fair too?

Boot fair? At the same time?

I mean, I've never seen it done like that before

but I don't see why not.

Two houses, two kitchens. Double the fun.

Dave. I've got the house.

I'm two-house Karen.

It's fucking brilliant!

I can't wait to make all those other one-house bitches jealous!

Um, Karen, I was wondering if I could pull you for a chat.

I've got something to tell you

whilst you're in a really happy mood, so...

Oh, good, yeah, yeah, cos I've got something to tell you too.

OK, well, look, you go first.

Well, you know, you're actually going to laugh at this,

but basically, a couple of weeks ago,

I tried to have, like, a really small affair with Chank.

Just cos, you know, all the pregnancy stuff,

and I thought it'd like help lower my blood pressure

and everything but, yeah, I mean it's really not a big deal, is it?

Actually, I sort of feel quite relieved, like,

getting that off my chest.

What was your thing, sorry?

Well, I was just going to say that I haven't been separating

food waste from plastic and paper.

What? I mean, where does the rubbish know where to go?

I mean, surely it all happens in one big pile somewhere.

Well, I can't believe this.

Look, I'm really sorry, it won't happen again...

No, it's too late for that now Dave, isn't it?

Yeah, cos you're the one that wants to bring a baby into the world

and yet you don't even care about the future of the planet?

It's not good enough.

I'm sorry.

You did say affair, didn't you?

Hey! That's not how you make tea.

Oh, who are you?

Ellie Goulding.

Oh, why are you here, Ellie Goulding? Does it matter?

It's just letting you know that that's not how you make tea.

Oh, OK. Well...

I'm going to leave now and I'm Ellie Goulding.

Thanks, Ellie Goulding.

Hey, guys, it's just me.

Erm, I'm actually moving to Spain.

It's just the thing is that I probably won't be able

to make as much cups of tea.

Obviously, cos I'm going to Spain.

I hope that you'll be fine and everything.

But I'm sure you will be, you know.

Erm...yeah.

Love you.

You all calm now?

Right, don't do that.

Don't try and gaslight me into thinking like I'm some crazy,

hysterical woman just cos I care about the planet.

Well, look, I'm ashamed as anyone else...

Yeah, you should be. But surely that makes us, you know,

even what with you and the Chank affair?

I only tried to have an affair,

when you're the one that's ACTUALLY been mixing porridge

with empty cans.

DOORBELL

Right, we'll talk about it later, then.

Hey. Hiya.

I'm leaving tonight so I just want to give you this.

Sure.

I'm having a leaving party at the house.

I'd love you both to come to the leaving party,

that's what it is, nothing else. You can deal with this, Dave.

OK, so, now that she's gone, um,

I'm going to be honest with you.

I'm actually throwing Karen a surprise orgy.

Oh, OK.

Right, I'm not sure that's the best idea.

Well, she wants to get pregnant, doesn't she?

Yeah, but, I mean, call me old-fashioned,

but if we were to have another kid,

preferably, well, I'd like to be the dad.

Right, OK.

Um, well, I mean, it's just a leaving party, so.

But you said orgy.

I said leaving party.

So it's just a leaving party?

It's just a leaving party, what else would it be?

Well, an orgy?

Ugh, that's disgusting.

Why would you even suggest that?

Sorry, leaving party.

"Please bring a change of clothes and a negative test for gonorrhoea".

Sorry! Why do I need to bring a change of clothes?

In case, you know, someone leaves all over you.

Sure, right.

Walk me through gonorrhoea.

That's just bog-standard nowadays for leaving parties.

Sure.

I've got to not stop, I've got to go.

I'll give this... Is Lucas in? Yeah.

Can you tell him to follow me? Yeah, sure. Thanks.

Lucas!

Will you follow Chi, please?

So, why here, then? Oh, did I not say?

Oh, I just need to stock up on some essentials for an orgy.

Oh, yeah, no, of course, sorry.

Do you have any orgy must-haves? What?

You pull, I push. Oh, you push and...

So, what do we need then?

I mean, you can't have an orgy without seasoning, spice things up.

Kind of, like, tinned fruit?

Yeah, it keeps, so if it goes on for a while.

BOTH: Shall we get a cake? Oh, snap!

Oh, my God.

Oh...

Oh, it's going to be really weird not being in the same world

as you any more. Oh, I know, it's like the end of an ear.

But just know that, er, when I look up at the clouds...

Oh, don't you start.

No, seriously, listen.

When I look up at the clouds...

Oh, God. I'll know that you're looking up at the same clouds.

Well, just know... Yeah?

When you're looking down at the floor... Mm?

Just know that I'm going to be looking down at the same floor.

And just so you know this...

..that when I'm older and one day I can come out to Spain,

I'll try and see you and we can go for tapas or something.

You'll have to go round, go round. Go, go round, please, please.

Go round.

This should get people in the mood.

OK, that's done.

That looks great. Thanks.

Well done, Lucas.

I reckon that will do. Yeah.

Chi! Yeah?

It's nearly time.

Oh, my God.

This is...

Yeah.

God, yeah.

You really do know how to throw an orgy, don't you? Yeah.

Look at that.

Right, so, we need to get changed, you need to sort this out,

you need to sex it up a bit cos people are going to be coming soon,

if you know what I mean!

CHI LAUGHS

UNSURE: Yeah.

Welcome to the orgy, may I take your coat?

Thank you.

Yeah, if you just want to go through there.

Welcome, ladies. How are we?

Do you want to buy something?

Want to, uh, buy a cauliflower?

Hello, can I take your coat, please?

Can I take that for you?

What's all this? I thought it was a leaving party.

Just before we go in, this is definitely a leaving party?

It's definitely a leaving party, David.

Dave!

Oh, hello, welcome to the or... Hello.

May I take your coat? No!

What a stupid thing to say.

Right, er, can I take your coat please, sir?

Yeah. Oh, my... What is she wearing?

Honestly, I don't know what you ever saw in her, Dave.

SHE EXHALES

Hmm.

How does she know all these people?

So, how do you know Chi?

Who's Chi?

Oh, Gary, what a healthy surprise!

You sent me an invitation so, er...

Oh, nice, yeah, yeah.

It's a sad leaving party in there.

Right. And then just a classic boot fair out here.

Oh, classic boot fair too. Yeah. Right.

UNDER HER BREATH: And an orgy.

So, do you want to come inside?

Um.

Uh...

So, how do you know Chi?

Who?

Ooh, did you bring tissues?

No, why? Oh, OK, it's just...

..cos it's a sad leaving party.

Oh, you all right, Chi? Coat?

Oh, Gary. Hi, mate, good to see you. Oh, wow, you look really well.

Oh, thank you, you look very well yourself.

Well, thank you very much, can I take...?

No, you hold on to that one.

Do you think when Satan goes to parties, he dresses as you?

That was a switcheroo, I'm a stand-up comedian.

GARY: Are you a friend of Chi?

Oh. IN BACKGROUND: I think she has a few orgies at her house

now and again, like, once a month.

Hey, Dave. Hmm. Sorry.

Don't "hey Dave" me.

You all right?

Well, I'm sort of going through a break-up at the moment so...

Well, you are in the right place. How do you mean?

I don't know why, and I could be wrong,

but I've got a feeling this is a raw-dog orgy.

Whoa, whoa, wait, what makes you say that?

WHISPERS: There's potato salad.

God, of course.

Classic signs.

Wish I'd have known, I'd have waxed my meat.

DOORBELL

What, no-one's going to...? Fine. Ugh.

What are you doing here?

Uh...

Oh, my God, she's actually done something right for once.

Right, come in! I don't...I don't...

Just come in, please! I just...

No, I'm all right. No, in.

In, in, in, in, in.

You can leave your coat over there.

No.

LUCAS: Oh, look, Chi, it's our lawyer. Oh, Uncle Adam!

Can I please take your coat? No. Where's all your stuff?

Yeah, where's your desk? I don't have any of my...

I don't travel with my desk.

Please, I insist. No, no, no, I'll be all right. Thank you.

Are you sure I can't just take your coat for you? No, I don't...

It's no bother, I quite enjoy it, to be honest. Don't touch my coat.

DAVE: Karen, Karen! Sorry, quickly.

I've got a strong suspicion that this is actually an orgy.

Dave! Not now, this is important. What?! This is an orgy?

Right, we're signing this house and we're doing it right now.

OK, do you not have your own pen? I didn't know it was an orgy.

This is... Sorry, do you think this is the right place to do this?

Like, an orgy... I mean... Dave, just stop calling it that, please,

it's actually really upsetting.

My niece is about to leave for ever

and you know how much that means to me.

Are you sure I can't take your coat?

Honestly, you won't feel the benefit outside.

No, I'm all right, I'm going to go... Where else do I sign?

Because I can't... Here, here... Can you just explain it to me?

..and here. Right, fine.

Can I just say something?

Your coat...? I just want to say thank you

so much for everything you've done for me so far. It was all you.

If you hadn't forced me to get out the house,

you know, and do the list...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

..I'd have never met all these amazing, amazing people, you know.

Right, yeah. And Gary.

Sign here, please. OK, yeah. Right, there.

Right.

Right, here I go, dropping the house. Are you sure?

God, it's a big deal, isn't it? Come on.

Oh, makes you think. And that.

God.

Right! No, um...

Where is the Champagne?!

Right I just want to say, Karen, I was thinking...

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Don't let her watch A Bug's Life, she thinks it's a documentary.

Oh! Oh!

Um, Michelle.

Kaz! I've been looking everywhere for you.

Right. Are you having fun?

I just wanted to give you this, cos... In case you need it,

cos, you know, Chi's sort of your problem now, isn't she?

What is it? It's just,

it's a list of things you should know, you know,

about her, like she only eats beige food, and, um, she...

She knows about World War II,

but she does not know about World War I.

And don't... Whatever you do, don't...

Oh, God, she's going to be fine, she's an adult!

Yeah, yeah, I know, but...

Yeah, I know, I suppose you're right.

That's... That's quite close.

Are you horny? I'm horny. I'm not... That's not what I'm feeling.

Well, shall we just get pregnant?

Shall we just get pregnant? I don't know how that would work

and I'm not really sure what you're talking about.

Dave! Please! Where are you?

You... You having a good orgy, Dad? You knew?

Yeah, I made the potato salad.

All this talk about orgies has got me thinking,

if Karen gets pregnant... Hmm? ..what's going to happen?

Well, she'd probably have a kid. Mm.

I've been a good dad, haven't I?

I've always thought of you as a bit more of a mum, really.

What with Mum living all the way in Margate.

Yeah. That's really nice, actually.

Loved being your kid.

Do you remember the time I bit a chunk out of your head

cos I was hungry?

Yeah, that really fucking hurt. Brilliant, you were so angry.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, being a single mum's really hard.

You know what, Mum's been on really good form today, to be fair.

Chocolate cock, son?

Yeah, I'd love one, Mum, thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Dave?

Where the fuck is he?

Help me. Can you just try not to destroy the house?

And stomping around like that,

you're going to break every floorboard

with your great big hobbit feet. It's just so heavy.

Do you not think maybe we should say bye now just cos... Hmm?

..it'll be too emotional later, you know. Yeah, bye.

Bye, then. Yes, goodbye.

Bye, Karen. Bye, Chi.

EMOTIONAL PIANO MUSIC

Oh, stop it. Stop it. MUSIC STOPS

Everything's coming up Karen, remember?

MUSIC RESUMES

Ugh! MUSIC STOPS

Remember the time when we were...?

You got us that trampoline... Yeah. ..for Christmas?

And I woke up and you'd put it in the front garden.

I remember getting on that trampoline,

we were bouncing up and down and up and down

and then I just got my leg, I just kicked you off and you were like...

You fell into that fence and you fell down, and, you know,

we all thought you'd been paralysed or something from it,

but you weren't, but... Yeah.

Do you remember, your neck was, like,

doing, like, twisty shapes and all that? Yeah, really hurt.

LOUD BUMPING What the fuck?

Oh, my God! What?

This is my dead sister's bedroom!

Is that Chank? My name is not Chank. It's Peter.

Yeah, and, you, piss off. Sorry.

Fuck.

God, it smells disgusting in here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's wrong?

Don't whoa me- I need to find Chi. Why, what's happened?

I think she might have been grieving this whole time, Dave!

OK, right, look, before we go, I've got something to say.

Remember when we were talking about confessions earlier

and mine was slightly bigger than yours? Yeah.

I've got another one.

I'm not sure I want any more kids.

Look, God, I'm really sorry,

it's that I'm knackered all the time

and I just want to spend time with you.

I hate kids so much, Dave.

Really, like, I... I really hate them.

And I'm just realising now...

This is an orgy, isn't it?

Oh, my God, would someone pop a tit or something?

Come on, we need to find Chi. I'm coming too.

This orgy's so dead.

I'm going to Spain where people actually Costa del fuck.

Um, excuse me, could you untie me, please? I need the loo.

No, I won't, you dirty little whore.

I'd be very grateful if you'd...

Oh, yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. No, that's all right.

Do you remember where we put Mum and Dad?

Oh, I'm pretty sure it was somewhere near the sand.

Yeah. Here?

Just make sure you don't stand on them.

Yeah, no, no, of course. There? Yeah, that's ringing a bell.

Chi, it's nice being here together one last time.

Yeah.

Do you mind if I just quickly practise Spain for a minute?

Yeah, no, of course. Yeah.

Chi!

Chi!

Chi, it's Karen.

Oh, yeah, don't come and meet us halfway.

What? Chi! Don't go to Spain.

LOUDLY: What?

Don't go to Spain.

What?

Ugh, I said don't...go...to Spain.

What? I know you can hear me now, I'm so close to you.

Don't go to Spain.

How did you know where I was?

I've got a...

I've got a Find My Friends tracker on my phone,

I use it sometimes just to see where you are, to make sure you're OK.

Have you got me microchipped? No. KC registered?

No, look, just listen.

If you go to Spain with Michelle and her massive bag, then you're just...

You're going to end up face down, dead in a swimming pool.

Oh. What does that mean?

But I've already packed my flight and booked my bags, so I don't...

Yeah. Exactly, so... No, but, seriously,

there's a plane in the sky waiting for me to be inside it right now.

Look, this is...

This is really big of me, OK, to do this

and this is not easy for me.

This is very hard for me to do, especially to you. Oh!

Are you a lesbian? But I just...really think...

I really think you should stay here.

You know, where you can be...

You know, do weird things

and you can speak the language, sort of, and...

Well, you just... You can be here with us.

Can you hurry up, please, cos I still haven't finished packing?

I don't know what... I'm going to need...

Look, you need to let me think for five minutes.

No, I can't give you five minutes, that's unreasonable.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I don't know if

I'm going to be able to come all the way to Spain and I know

that we were going to go there and live the Ibiza dream

like Ronnie and Roxy. And I just... I really hope you can forgive me...

That's OK. See ya. ..because I can't...

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose that could work.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, we could have some Mummy and son time.

What do you reckon? I just meant your bag.

Oh! Oh, thank fuck for that.

Anyway, right, I'm off, guys, to the island of love.

Oh. Bye! Have fun.

Wow.

Group hug?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Family hug. Yes. No.

Come on! Oh, no, no.

Can you please not squeeze too tight!

Please, Dave, this is mine and Chi's moment, you're ruining it.

SHE VOMITS

It's fine. It's happy sick.

Doesn't that mean that you're pregnant?

Oh! The orgy worked.

Oh! What orgy?

Erm...what's an orgy?

Shit.

You're 37.5 degrees and have puffy ankles.

I reckon you're about three weeks along.

Oh, my God, riddled.

Oh, it's the last thing I need!

I don't want to carry a person for nine months,

I already carry an entire family.

I thought you wanted a baby kid?

Oh, that was a passing comment, at most.

I mean, I can carry it for you if you want, like a surrogate.

Absolutely not.

I just can't believe we're all going to live together.

Nobody said that.

Are my ears straight? Yeah.

I thought we'd broke this one last time.

No, no. Down you go.

At least there was a happy ending. Yeah.

Right.

Do you think he can see us?

Oh, God, I hope not.

Let's go. Let's go.

And I'm not in the mood now.

Oh, well, do you know, my knees...

Listen, did you hear them crack?

I did. Yeah.

Yeah, it's put a dampener on it a bit.