Original subtitles

Come on, milady. Oh, all right, yeah.

Can I take my blindfold off yet?

No, not yet.

OK, right, just tell me when to stop, yeah?

And... brake. Stop. Stop will do, thanks, I'm not a car.

Right.

Right, OK. Can I take it off?

No.

ALL: Three, two, one, surprise!

It's not hit her yet. It's not hit her yet.

Let's just do it again, quick right.

ALL: Three, two, one, surprise!

No, I thought you said we were here.

Yeah. Yeah, we are.

Well, this is five minutes from our house.

Yeah. Mm. Yeah.

We've been in the car for four hours!

Well, yeah, Dave just kept driving round and round Crescent Road.

Yeah, to throw you off the scent.

This is a fucking joke.

It's no joke, Karen.

This is a genuine gift for you to relax and de-stress

since you were diagnosed uptight.

How are you feeling anyway? I don't think I could feel worse.

Perfect.

Well, you just wait till you see where we're staying.

SHE GROANS

Do something...

Or anything...

For someone...

Or anyone.

CHI: Ready, ready, you'll never guess.

KAREN: It's a caravan.

Oh, how do you guess? That's not the best bit though.

Morning, Campers, it's Momma Bear.

Oh, no, absolutely not.

It's so lovely, isn't it? It's two stars.

Do you know how hard it is to get two stars?

You all right, Mum?

No, that's it, I'm going. Come on, Dave, please.

But, look, look, we've paid for it now,

and the doctor said say you have to de-stress.

Yeah, I know but here? Really?

Sor... Sorry. Come on, then.

SHE SLAPS HIM ON BOTTOM

Right, well, what else is there here, then?

Go on, sell it to me.

Well, there's a nonsmoking room.

Right, well, fine, fine.

I'll... I'll stay, one night, though, Dave, OK?

ONE night! Yeah, yeah. See, that's more like it!

Give me a K... OTHERS: K!

Give me an A! A!

Give me a P...

No, no, that's not how you spell it.

Right, so here's the living room-slash-bedroom.

Slash-dining room.

Yeah, all right Kirsty and Phil.

Oh, shit, there's drawers.

There's a carbon monoxide detector!

Thank God for that. Safety, safety.

Why is there only one bed? That's all right, the sofa pulls out.

Ooh, and also, don't worry,

because me and Lucas are going to camp outside in this.

Like rats.

Well, there's absolutely no way I'm staying here

so give me that tent, please. What?

No, it's fine, I'll just sort of be at one with nature.

Yeah, OK, sounds good to me.

No, I said at one with nature, Dave.

One. OK?

LUCAS: Right, Mum, first holiday together.

Hol...

Chi's got lofty expectations,

but we think this dream first sink is perfect for her.

I know, sorry, it's just not on my budget.

Oh. So another unhappy customer on Location Location Location Location.

I thought it was Location Location.

No, you've got that completely wrong.

Location Location Location Location.

Now I'm confused. Is it Location Location Location?

Location. Location?

Location.

Location Location Location Location Location...

No. TUTS

Why are you on the outside? What's wrong? Do you not love it?

Yeah, course, God, no, this place is, like, beyond incredible.

I mean, maybe I'm just being paranoid or you know hormonal but...

But have you ever noticed that my mum sort of just doesn't

seem to know who I am?

No.

It's just, a minute ago, she asked me how long I'd worked here for.

She's just really busy, isn't she?

You know, you will struggle to remember the little

things like whether or not you've got a son or not.

Yeah. Yeah. No, yeah, no, you're right.

Yeah. When you're the nice guy and you try too hard,

people just think you're invisible. Really? No.

That's not right. Who said that? I said that.

See? What... Oh, yeah.

I can fucking do that.

You want a bit of this?

You want a bit of that?

ANGRILY: Yeah, I'll fucking do that!

How about that? Yeah that's great.

All right. Nice guys finish last.

That's ridiculous. No-one ever's got time to do that.

CLEARS THROAT

OK.

MEDITATIVE MUSIC PLAYS

OVER PHONE: I am relaxed.

I am calm.

It was around 27 years ago today, at this holiday park,

that the Kent Camp Stalker was lurking between the caravans.

Pack of lies.

He would summon up a black hole,

which would suck up his victims...

"Suck off"? ..one...

Well, they're not going to be victims

if they're getting sucked off, are they?

Well, it depends if it's consensual.

So was it consensual?

Not in this story because no-one gets sucked off.

Actually, Michelle,

can you put on some creepy background music, please?

Yeah.

So, anyway, one by one, they were all sucked up into this hole...

The speaker's not working.

The first one....

What?

No, it's not coming on.

Look. Oh. Who's Karen "Devi-see"?

Don't know. PHONE: Pairing.

PHONE BLEEPS

LOUD EERIE MUSIC BLARES

SHE SCREAMS

He's back! No, no guys. No, no...

SHE GASPS

What the fuck?!

Oh, it's Karen. Oh, it's Karen. Sorry!

Karen, wait.

I want to help you relax.

Karen. I want to help you relax.

Let me help you.

Meet someone famous?

Where's all the water?

You don't ask for much, do you?

Sorry. I didn't realise this was The Ritz!

Yeah all right, I just, you know, I thought there'd be...

"Yeah, all right, I just thought there'd be a pool full of diamonds."

You can't have it all, Princess Margaret.

Shit.

I got to go work the bar. Will you be all right being left unattended?

I think I'd actually prefer that, thanks.

SHE GRUNTS

Piece of shit.

# Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, callin' me... #

OK, that could work.

# Check out my prissy behind, it's fine... #

Or... Or...

Or this one.

# We used to go together... # No, no, no, Michelle.

Off. Off. Karen's going to go

absolutely crazy... # Looking out for each other... #

OK, who's playing that?

We're just practising for the talent show, that's all. "Talent show"?

You going to enter? No.

Obviously not - it's tacky and I'm not on the dole.

What's wrong with that song?

Well, there is actually a funny story about that...

No, Dave, cos we're not going to talk about that

and it's not funny, is it? No. What is it?

What is it, Dave?

No! No-one needs to know. We don't need to talk...

Dave, stop smiling, you're not going to talk about it. Just tell us...

No! No!

In 2007, Karen got down to the last few to be

a member of The Saturdays but was runner-up to...

Don't say her name Dave! ..Frankie Bridge. Sorry!

Oh, my God, Frankie Bridge. Oh, I love Frankie Bridge.

Oh, she's, amazing Frankie Bridge.

Yeah. Apparently, she had more charisma. I'm so sorry.

Well, yeah, she's amazing though, like... Oh, my God this is

Frankie Bridge - it's her brand from F&F.

Is it? Yeah! Yeah. I thought it was actually.

Yeah, it's so... She's very stylish.

She's actually made me question my sexuality a few times.

Me, too.

Yeah. Well, doesn't she everyone?

SIGHS

Shall we...Shall we put it back on? Definitely. Fuck yeah.

SONG RESUMES

Oh, Karen. Sorry. Sorry.

You shouldn't have to see this...mess!

Yoga, is it?

Yeah. There's...

There's really nothing better for connecting mind and soul.

So would you...would you say that I'm stunning?

Oh, erm...

I don't think I'd be qualified to...

Yeah, but, you know, do you think I could a bit of modelling, yes or no?

I wouldn't like to make that decision,

really, it's, erm... Just have one thought, Chank.

It's not going to hurt you. Uh, yes? Yes. Hmm.

So you and...you and Michelle - that's...

..that's a joke, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No.

What are you meaning by the things that you are saying?

Do I re...? Do I have to spell this out for you, Chank?

We're having an affair, Chank.

OK? Cos I need to de-stress and I was going to just come

and have a jump on and...

Oh. No.

Erm... No.

Thank you...

..so much.

You're a very attractive woman.

I...I just... Yeah?

But... Yeah?

You're just a lot older than who I'd usually go for, so...

Yeah, do you know what? I'm at...at the very least,

I'm ten years younger than Michelle.

Really? Yes. Yes, really.

I just thought cos...cos of the way you act.

Do you know what, you can just fuck off, Chank.

At least I'm not haggard - looks like she moisturises with Dettol!

Enjoy. OK. Cheers.

MIC FEEDBACK

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you're ready to giggle!

Could you please put your hands together

and welcome to the stage your host and your MC, stand-up comedian...

CLATTERING

Stand-up comedian Sarah Gilbeaux!

Oh, shit, fuck! Ow!

Hey, yes! Yeah! Wow.

Happy Oyster,

I'm so excited to be here.

CHI LAUGHS

Erm, so it is er so good to be out of Australia.

So true, yeah.

I was...I was at the beach today, and don't you hate it when

you're swimming and the tide comes in?

It that the lifeguard from the swimming pool?

Yeah, she served me this pint.

Show of hands - who likes impressions?

I'll have another drink.

Eating...

MUTTERS

This'll fucking show 'em!

Sydney Opera, you've all, erm...

..the Sydney Opera House - get this.

The original estimate on the Sydney Opera House was $7 million.

Guess what it ended up costing? 200 million.

No! You're fucking wrecking everything.

CHI LAUGHS

It cost 102 million.

Or as I like to call it, the cost of a weekly shop.

CHI CACKLES

God! Folks, I've been Sarah Gilbeaux!

CHI: Oh, God.

SHUTTER CLICKS

Look, I get that you've committed to a comedy character

and I respect that, but this is just getting weird.

I just can't seem to wrap my head around

how you have so many talents just all in there, you know?

From lifing guards to then coming out

and just delivering all them Austrian jokes.

Just like, it's ridiculously special, you know.

You should be international, you should be everywhere in the world.

Yeah, well, that was the plan. Yeah.

You know, I'd do the comedy circuit,

get discovered by TV executives and then become a household name.

Just like... Like...

BOTH: ..Dawn French.

Ah.

I just completely misjudged the size of the United Kingdom.

You know, I've been stuck in Kent for five years?

God. Me too, actually, yeah.

Oh, this isn't right.

You shouldn't be using a stick for an arm.

Anyway, dream's faded.

If you've finished with that, just pop it on the ground.

Oh, thanks.

All right, folks, are we having a good time?

No, not yet, mate.

Not yet.

I've got to do the announ... Just get... Go back.

I haven't announced him yet - that's how showbusiness works.

You'll learn if you do it for 28 years.

Well, it's a boy with a recorder - big fucking surprise there.

It's time!

WEAK NOTES

I mean, are you done?

What's he doing?

I don't like it.

What, it's not...

She's good. No, she's not.

You're holding two of the...

Oh, for fuck's sake. Sorry.

Are you learning to juggle in front of a crowd?

This is where the real show starts.

Break both your legs.

Someone's just put their dog on the stage.

You all right in there? Yeah, I think so.

# Close your eyes

# Don't be afraid... #

Argh! No, no! No, don't cut me in half!

You've been very naughty, Wendy.

Don't cut me in half!

Yeah. Ah!

Shut up! Shut up! Oh, please, no!

Yeah you're not asleep now.

And die! Die!

You're not beautiful any more, are ya?

FINAL WHIMPER

Thank you very much.

I'm, like, 70% sure that was fake.

Any questions?

OK, who's up for a bit of poetry?

Woo!

This poem is called Devil Seeks Vengeance - Part 1.

The sky is black

The earth is red

Mum should have swallowed instead

Abandoned and alone like a stray

Trees are cunts

The land is bare

Fat person eating an eclair

Bricks are hard, hard

Old people die

Bring on that pecan pie.

Well, ladies and gentleman, that was Grid!

Yeah.

SILENCE

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #

All right, folks, that is it.

Oi, Steve Irwin, I want to enter.

Yeah, well, you can't. It's too late.

What do you mean it's too late? I mean there are no slots left.

And I have to go and change the bins.

Well, you better make a slot happen yeah, because I am not leaving

till I win this shit competition.

I'm sorry but rules are rules, OK?

Can you just let her have a go, maybe?

Uh, microphone! Nah.

OK.

Erm...

..it's fine.

CLEARS THROAT

# You've been saying I'm driving you crazy

# And I haven't been around for you lately

# But I had a few things on my mind... #

Boo! Get some charisma, love.

# When I'm with you, I am filled with emotion

# Can't you see that I'm giving you devotion? ..votion... #

CLEARS THROAT

# You know I've been walking around in a daze

WARBLES: # Daze

# Baby, baby

# Got to believe me when I say Say

# Ooh-hoo Wherever you go... #

What are you doing? CHI COUGHS

# Going to be there Whatever you do

# You know I'm going to be there pure and simple

WARBLES: # Simple

# Yeah, yeah, I'll be there for you pure and simple... #

Just pick a note, yeah?

# Whatever it takes It takes

# Gonna be there

# Swear it's true You know I'm gonna be there

# Be there Pure and simple

# Yeah, yeah

# I'll be there for you

THROATY: # Pure and simple gonna be there. #

Whoa.

Well?

Yeah, I mean, erm,

you just don't have star quality.

You don't have...

..charisma.

Oh, no. No charisma?

I'll tell you what stood out for me.

That thing over there.

What? M-Me?

Have you ever thought about going solo? Sorry, is this a joke?

No. She just made noises and coughed.

It was exquisite.

Well, I mean, I wouldn't really want to split up from Karen just,

obviously, cos we started

the journey together and everything. Oh, whatever.

I know you can do this.

I just know it.

Do what?

I mean, I don't really know any words to any songs or anything.

What's that?

It's time - that's what it is.

It's time. Wow, great.

NOW there's a microphone.

# L'amour est un oiseau rebelle

# Que nul ne peut apprivoiser

# Et c'est bien en vain qu'on l'appelle

# S'il lui convient de refuser

# Rien n'y fait, menace ou priere

# L'un parle bien, l'autre se tait

# Et c'est l'autre que je prefere

# Il n'a rien dit, mais il me plait

# L'amour

# L'amour

# L'amour

# L'amour

# L'amour est enfant de boheme

# Il n'a jamais, jamais, connu de loi

# Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime

# Si je t'aime, prends garde a toi... #

BACKING TRACK CHORUS

When did she learn to speak Italian?

She can't even walk in a straight line.

# Mais je t'aime, si je t'aime

# Prends garde a toi. #

COUGHS

CHEERING

Chi, that was crazy.

I mean, you could do Royal Variety.

I mean, I think it worked better with Karen but...

Oh, yeah, you were good too, sorry.

Yeah, I wasn't good enough, though, was I, Dave?

You know, I didn't even come second.

It's just like the Saturdays

all over again. Oh, give it a rest!

Excuse me?

I said give it a rest - you're always complaining.

I mean if it's not one thing it's the other

and you always want what you can't have

and nothing is ever good enough for you. How dare you!

Do you know who you're talking to? Well, it sure as fuck

isn't Frankie Bridge! Dave!

No, no, no... Guys, guys!

You don't want this... Let's handle this properly, like adults.

Are we going to be on TV?

Lucas feels like Karen always wants what she can't have

and that she treats her niece Chi unfairly. However, Karen

feels like Chi shouldn't have won because she has no stage presence.

Karen has no life presence.

That's a bit harsh, Lil Cass.

It's Lu-cas!

And you can shut up too. I mean, yeah, Karen's a beast

but at least she's been present. Thank you.

Wait, beast? God knows how many

other kids you've mothered that you don't know about.

Yeah, Michelle! At least she's alive!

OK, so Chi likes the fact that Michelle is alive.

Is there something you'd like to say to Karen?

Yeah, actually, Sarah, there is.

Thank you for asking. OK, go ahead.

You need to be nicer to Chi because she loves you

and her parents are dead.

I mean, look at us! This isn't what this trip was meant to be about.

It was meant to be about caravans and family.

You're absolutely right, Lu...

Lu-cas? Is it Lu-cas?

Well, it's...it's Lucas, yeah.

I haven't been there for ya.

But...I'm going to really try!

It's OK. I understand, but...

..but...at least we have right now.

Exactly!

I'm going to be there for you from now on. Really?

Yeah! That's great, Mum. I know.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

That makes me really happy. Oh, good.

Having said all that, I am about to move to Spain.

What? What?

Yeah.

# Ooh-ah Just a little bit

# Ooh-ah A little bit more

# Ooh-ah Just a little bit

# You know what I'm looking for

# Ooh-ah Just a little bit

# Ooh-ah A little bit more

# Ooh-ah Just a little bit

# I'll give you love you can't ignore

# What can you do for me?

# Oh, what can you do?

# Cos I feel so alive

# I feel your love inside... #