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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,640
Come on, milady.
Oh, all right, yeah.
2
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:05,080
Can I take my blindfold off yet?
3
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,520
No, not yet.
4
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,880
OK, right, just tell me
when to stop, yeah?
5
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,480
And... brake. Stop.
Stop will do, thanks, I'm not a car.
6
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:12,520
Right.
7
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,560
Right, OK.
Can I take it off?
8
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:16,840
No.
9
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,000
ALL: Three, two, one, surprise!
10
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,960
It's not hit her yet.
It's not hit her yet.
11
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,920
Let's just do it again, quick right.
12
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,920
ALL: Three, two, one, surprise!
13
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,680
No, I thought you said we were here.
14
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,280
Yeah. Yeah, we are.
15
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,360
Well, this is five minutes
from our house.
16
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:35,920
Yeah. Mm. Yeah.
17
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,000
We've been in the car
for four hours!
18
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,800
Well, yeah, Dave just kept driving
round and round Crescent Road.
19
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,600
Yeah, to throw you off the scent.
20
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,120
This is a fucking joke.
21
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,080
It's no joke, Karen.
22
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,480
This is a genuine gift for
you to relax and de-stress
23
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,360
since you were diagnosed uptight.
24
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,880
How are you feeling anyway?
I don't think I could feel worse.
25
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,160
Perfect.
26
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:56,840
Well, you just wait till
you see where we're staying.
27
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,800
SHE GROANS
28
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,200
Do something...
29
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,360
Or anything...
30
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,720
For someone...
31
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,040
Or anyone.
32
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,880
CHI: Ready, ready,
you'll never guess.
33
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,040
KAREN: It's a caravan.
34
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,560
Oh, how do you guess?
That's not the best bit though.
35
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,400
Morning, Campers, it's Momma Bear.
36
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:26,040
Oh, no, absolutely not.
37
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,160
It's so lovely, isn't it?
It's two stars.
38
00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,000
Do you know how hard
it is to get two stars?
39
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,400
You all right, Mum?
40
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,640
No, that's it, I'm going.
Come on, Dave, please.
41
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,400
But, look, look,
we've paid for it now,
42
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,480
and the doctor said say you
have to de-stress.
43
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,560
Yeah, I know but here? Really?
44
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,680
Sor... Sorry. Come on, then.
45
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,880
SHE SLAPS HIM ON BOTTOM
46
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,880
Right, well,
what else is there here, then?
47
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,400
Go on, sell it to me.
48
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:55,960
Well, there's a nonsmoking room.
49
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,920
Right, well, fine, fine.
50
00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,760
I'll... I'll stay, one night,
though, Dave, OK?
51
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,840
ONE night! Yeah, yeah.
See, that's more like it!
52
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,200
Give me a K...
OTHERS: K!
53
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,760
Give me an A! A!
54
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,200
Give me a P...
55
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,440
No, no, that's not
how you spell it.
56
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:16,200
Right, so here's the
living room-slash-bedroom.
57
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,400
Slash-dining room.
58
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,960
Yeah, all right Kirsty and Phil.
59
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,320
Oh, shit, there's drawers.
60
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,000
There's a carbon monoxide detector!
61
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,760
Thank God for that. Safety, safety.
62
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,320
Why is there only one bed? That's
all right, the sofa pulls out.
63
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,040
Ooh, and also, don't worry,
64
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,400
because me and Lucas are going
to camp outside in this.
65
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,760
Like rats.
66
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,840
Well, there's absolutely
no way I'm staying here
67
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:36,800
so give me that tent, please. What?
68
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,400
No, it's fine, I'll just sort
of be at one with nature.
69
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:41,880
Yeah, OK, sounds good to me.
70
00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:43,480
No, I said at one with nature, Dave.
71
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,000
One. OK?
72
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,280
LUCAS: Right, Mum,
first holiday together.
73
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,520
Hol...
74
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:54,360
Chi's got lofty expectations,
75
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,880
but we think this dream
first sink is perfect for her.
76
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,880
I know, sorry, it's
just not on my budget.
77
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:03,000
Oh. So another unhappy customer on
Location Location Location Location.
78
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,040
I thought it was Location Location.
79
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,120
No, you've got that
completely wrong.
80
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,280
Location Location Location Location.
81
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,640
Now I'm confused.
Is it Location Location Location?
82
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,120
Location.
Location?
83
00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,320
Location.
84
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:20,160
Location Location Location
Location Location...
85
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,040
No. TUTS
86
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:28,680
Why are you on the outside?
What's wrong? Do you not love it?
87
00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:32,760
Yeah, course, God, no, this place
is, like, beyond incredible.
88
00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,800
I mean, maybe I'm just being
paranoid or you know hormonal but...
89
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:40,320
But have you ever noticed
that my mum sort of just doesn't
90
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,200
seem to know who I am?
91
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,520
No.
92
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,640
It's just, a minute ago, she asked
me how long I'd worked here for.
93
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,360
She's just really busy, isn't she?
94
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,680
You know, you will struggle
to remember the little
95
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,160
things like whether or not
you've got a son or not.
96
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,800
Yeah. Yeah.
No, yeah, no, you're right.
97
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,440
Yeah. When you're the nice guy
and you try too hard,
98
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,920
people just think you're invisible.
Really? No.
99
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,640
That's not right.
Who said that? I said that.
100
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,080
See? What... Oh, yeah.
101
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,400
I can fucking do that.
102
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,040
You want a bit of this?
103
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,400
You want a bit of that?
104
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,240
ANGRILY: Yeah, I'll fucking do that!
105
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,160
How about that?
Yeah that's great.
106
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,360
All right.
Nice guys finish last.
107
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,760
That's ridiculous.
No-one ever's got time to do that.
108
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,000
CLEARS THROAT
109
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,320
OK.
110
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,400
MEDITATIVE MUSIC PLAYS
111
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,080
OVER PHONE: I am relaxed.
112
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,640
I am calm.
113
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:49,360
It was around 27 years ago
today, at this holiday park,
114
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:54,600
that the Kent Camp Stalker was
lurking between the caravans.
115
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,160
Pack of lies.
116
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,320
He would summon up a black hole,
117
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,720
which would suck up his victims...
118
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,000
"Suck off"? ..one...
119
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,760
Well, they're not
going to be victims
120
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,480
if they're getting
sucked off, are they?
121
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,600
Well, it depends if it's consensual.
122
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,160
So was it consensual?
123
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,560
Not in this story
because no-one gets sucked off.
124
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,680
Actually, Michelle,
125
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,880
can you put on some creepy
background music, please?
126
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,280
Yeah.
127
00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:20,440
So, anyway, one by one, they were
all sucked up into this hole...
128
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:21,920
The speaker's not working.
129
00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,160
The first one....
130
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,520
What?
131
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,720
No, it's not coming on.
132
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,040
Look. Oh. Who's Karen "Devi-see"?
133
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,720
Don't know.
PHONE: Pairing.
134
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,480
PHONE BLEEPS
135
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,880
LOUD EERIE MUSIC BLARES
136
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200
SHE SCREAMS
137
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,320
He's back! No, no guys. No, no...
138
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,120
SHE GASPS
139
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,920
What the fuck?!
140
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,080
Oh, it's Karen.
Oh, it's Karen. Sorry!
141
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,760
Karen, wait.
142
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,840
I want to help you relax.
143
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,480
Karen. I want to help you relax.
144
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,920
Let me help you.
145
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,120
Meet someone famous?
146
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,880
Where's all the water?
147
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,480
You don't ask for much, do you?
148
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,600
Sorry. I didn't realise this
was The Ritz!
149
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,120
Yeah all right, I just,
you know, I thought there'd be...
150
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,960
"Yeah, all right, I just thought
there'd be a pool full of diamonds."
151
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,320
You can't have it all,
Princess Margaret.
152
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,960
Shit.
153
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,040
I got to go work the bar. Will you
be all right being left unattended?
154
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,120
I think I'd actually prefer that,
thanks.
155
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,160
SHE GRUNTS
156
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:02,920
Piece of shit.
157
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,680
# Suckin' on my titties like you
wanted me, callin' me... #
158
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,160
OK, that could work.
159
00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,920
# Check out my prissy behind,
it's fine... #
160
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,440
Or...
Or...
161
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,840
Or this one.
162
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,080
# We used to go together... #
No, no, no, Michelle.
163
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,320
Off. Off. Karen's going to go
164
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,520
absolutely crazy...
# Looking out for each other... #
165
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,760
OK, who's playing that?
166
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:18,800
We're just practising for the talent
show, that's all. "Talent show"?
167
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,960
You going to enter? No.
168
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,000
Obviously not - it's tacky
and I'm not on the dole.
169
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:23,240
What's wrong with that song?
170
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,520
Well, there is actually
a funny story about that...
171
00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,640
No, Dave, cos we're not
going to talk about that
172
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,520
and it's not funny, is it?
No. What is it?
173
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,680
What is it, Dave?
174
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,880
No! No-one needs to know.
We don't need to talk...
175
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:37,120
Dave, stop smiling, you're not going
to talk about it. Just tell us...
176
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,200
No! No!
177
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:43,880
In 2007,
Karen got down to the last few to be
178
00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,040
a member of The Saturdays
but was runner-up to...
179
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,400
Don't say her name Dave!
..Frankie Bridge. Sorry!
180
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:50,720
Oh, my God, Frankie Bridge.
Oh, I love Frankie Bridge.
181
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,240
Oh, she's, amazing Frankie Bridge.
182
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,600
Yeah. Apparently, she had more
charisma. I'm so sorry.
183
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,040
Well, yeah, she's amazing though,
like... Oh, my God this is
184
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,080
Frankie Bridge -
it's her brand from F&F.
185
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,720
Is it? Yeah! Yeah.
I thought it was actually.
186
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,000
Yeah, it's so...
She's very stylish.
187
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,760
She's actually made me
question my sexuality a few times.
188
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,520
Me, too.
189
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,120
Yeah. Well, doesn't she everyone?
190
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,160
SIGHS
191
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:17,160
Shall we...Shall we put it back on?
Definitely. Fuck yeah.
192
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,240
SONG RESUMES
193
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,080
Oh, Karen. Sorry.
Sorry.
194
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,560
You shouldn't have
to see this...mess!
195
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:26,600
Yoga, is it?
196
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,240
Yeah. There's...
197
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:32,080
There's really nothing
better for connecting mind and soul.
198
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,080
So would you...would you
say that I'm stunning?
199
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,840
Oh, erm...
200
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,400
I don't think I'd be qualified to...
201
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,440
Yeah, but, you know, do you think I
could a bit of modelling, yes or no?
202
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,080
I wouldn't like to
make that decision,
203
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,320
really, it's, erm...
Just have one thought, Chank.
204
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,520
It's not going to hurt you.
Uh, yes? Yes. Hmm.
205
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:57,400
So you and...you and
Michelle - that's...
206
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,240
..that's a joke, right?
207
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,640
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. No.
208
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,880
What are you meaning by the
things that you are saying?
209
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,400
Do I re...? Do I have to
spell this out for you, Chank?
210
00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,120
We're having an affair, Chank.
211
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,960
OK? Cos I need to de-stress
and I was going to just come
212
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,280
and have a jump on and...
213
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,600
Oh. No.
214
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,760
Erm... No.
215
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,960
Thank you...
216
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,880
..so much.
217
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:24,960
You're a very attractive woman.
218
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,600
I...I just...
Yeah?
219
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,120
But...
Yeah?
220
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,760
You're just a lot older than
who I'd usually go for, so...
221
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:35,120
Yeah, do you know what?
I'm at...at the very least,
222
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,960
I'm ten years younger than Michelle.
223
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,360
Really? Yes. Yes, really.
224
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,960
I just thought
cos...cos of the way you act.
225
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,480
Do you know what, you can
just fuck off, Chank.
226
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,800
At least I'm not haggard - looks
like she moisturises with Dettol!
227
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,040
Enjoy. OK. Cheers.
228
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,440
MIC FEEDBACK
229
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:08,840
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I hope you're ready to giggle!
230
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:13,160
Could you please
put your hands together
231
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:20,000
and welcome to the stage your host
and your MC, stand-up comedian...
232
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,480
CLATTERING
233
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,640
Stand-up comedian Sarah Gilbeaux!
234
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,760
Oh, shit, fuck!
Ow!
235
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:33,400
Hey, yes! Yeah! Wow.
236
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,600
Happy Oyster,
237
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:35,800
I'm so excited to be here.
238
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,160
CHI LAUGHS
239
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,240
Erm, so it is er
so good to be out of Australia.
240
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,920
So true, yeah.
241
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,680
I was...I was at the beach today,
and don't you hate it when
242
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,360
you're swimming
and the tide comes in?
243
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,680
It that the lifeguard
from the swimming pool?
244
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,440
Yeah, she served me this pint.
245
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,640
Show of hands -
who likes impressions?
246
00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,640
I'll have another drink.
247
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,600
Eating...
248
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,120
MUTTERS
249
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,080
This'll fucking show 'em!
250
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,080
Sydney Opera, you've all, erm...
251
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,880
..the Sydney Opera House - get this.
252
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:17,840
The original estimate on the
Sydney Opera House was $7 million.
253
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,080
Guess what it ended up costing?
200 million.
254
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,000
No! You're fucking
wrecking everything.
255
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,080
CHI LAUGHS
256
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,600
It cost 102 million.
257
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:27,560
Or as I like to call it,
the cost of a weekly shop.
258
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,920
CHI CACKLES
259
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:33,080
God! Folks, I've been
Sarah Gilbeaux!
260
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,040
CHI: Oh, God.
261
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,200
SHUTTER CLICKS
262
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,800
Look, I get that you've committed
to a comedy character
263
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:47,800
and I respect that,
but this is just getting weird.
264
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,280
I just can't seem to
wrap my head around
265
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,560
how you have so many talents
just all in there, you know?
266
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:57,280
From lifing guards
to then coming out
267
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,400
and just delivering
all them Austrian jokes.
268
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:04,280
Just like, it's ridiculously
special, you know.
269
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:08,040
You should be international, you
should be everywhere in the world.
270
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,800
Yeah, well, that was the plan.
Yeah.
271
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:12,800
You know, I'd do the comedy circuit,
272
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,720
get discovered by TV executives
and then become a household name.
273
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,520
Just like... Like...
274
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,360
BOTH: ..Dawn French.
275
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,120
Ah.
276
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,720
I just completely misjudged
the size of the United Kingdom.
277
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,480
You know, I've been
stuck in Kent for five years?
278
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,520
God. Me too, actually, yeah.
279
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:33,600
Oh, this isn't right.
280
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,680
You shouldn't be using
a stick for an arm.
281
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,520
Anyway, dream's faded.
282
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,680
If you've finished with that,
just pop it on the ground.
283
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,320
Oh, thanks.
284
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,120
All right, folks, are we having
a good time?
285
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,280
No, not yet, mate.
286
00:14:58,280 --> 00:14:59,520
Not yet.
287
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,440
I've got to do the announ...
Just get... Go back.
288
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,920
I haven't announced him yet -
that's how showbusiness works.
289
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:07,440
You'll learn
if you do it for 28 years.
290
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:11,520
Well, it's a boy with a recorder -
big fucking surprise there.
291
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,200
It's time!
292
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:17,360
WEAK NOTES
293
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,840
I mean, are you done?
294
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,680
What's he doing?
295
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,040
I don't like it.
296
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,160
What, it's not...
297
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:37,880
She's good.
No, she's not.
298
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,320
You're holding two of the...
299
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,680
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Sorry.
300
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,760
Are you learning to
juggle in front of a crowd?
301
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,680
This is where the real show starts.
302
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,440
Break both your legs.
303
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,360
Someone's just
put their dog on the stage.
304
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:57,880
You all right in there?
Yeah, I think so.
305
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,360
# Close your eyes
306
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,920
# Don't be afraid... #
307
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:07,520
Argh! No, no!
No, don't cut me in half!
308
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,640
You've been very naughty, Wendy.
309
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,880
Don't cut me in half!
310
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,600
Yeah. Ah!
311
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,840
Shut up! Shut up!
Oh, please, no!
312
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:19,480
Yeah you're not asleep now.
313
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,360
And die! Die!
314
00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,400
You're not beautiful
any more, are ya?
315
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:29,400
FINAL WHIMPER
316
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:30,440
Thank you very much.
317
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,520
I'm, like, 70% sure that was fake.
318
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,800
Any questions?
319
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,200
OK, who's up for a bit of poetry?
320
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,040
Woo!
321
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:08,000
This poem is called
Devil Seeks Vengeance - Part 1.
322
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,600
The sky is black
323
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,280
The earth is red
324
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,840
Mum should have
swallowed instead
325
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,680
Abandoned and
alone like a stray
326
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,160
Trees are cunts
327
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,800
The land is bare
328
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,640
Fat person eating an eclair
329
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,600
Bricks are hard, hard
330
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,120
Old people die
331
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,920
Bring on that pecan pie.
332
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,800
Well, ladies and gentleman,
that was Grid!
333
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,720
Yeah.
334
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,760
SILENCE
335
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,280
# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #
336
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,200
All right, folks, that is it.
337
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,800
Oi, Steve Irwin, I want to enter.
338
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,400
Yeah, well, you can't.
It's too late.
339
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,880
What do you mean it's too late?
I mean there are no slots left.
340
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:05,040
And I have to go
and change the bins.
341
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,760
Well, you better make a slot happen
yeah, because I am not leaving
342
00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,600
till I win this shit competition.
343
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,160
I'm sorry but rules are rules, OK?
344
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,600
Can you just let
her have a go, maybe?
345
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,400
Uh, microphone!
Nah.
346
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,880
OK.
347
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,360
Erm...
348
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:26,760
..it's fine.
349
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,800
CLEARS THROAT
350
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,840
# You've been saying
I'm driving you crazy
351
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:37,360
# And I haven't
been around for you lately
352
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:41,120
# But I had a few
things on my mind... #
353
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,600
Boo! Get some charisma, love.
354
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:47,160
# When I'm with you,
I am filled with emotion
355
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,680
# Can't you see that I'm giving
you devotion? ..votion... #
356
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,400
CLEARS THROAT
357
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,640
# You know I've been
walking around in a daze
358
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,040
WARBLES: # Daze
359
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,840
# Baby, baby
360
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,320
# Got to believe me when I say
Say
361
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,800
# Ooh-hoo
Wherever you go... #
362
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,320
What are you doing? CHI COUGHS
363
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,040
# Going to be there
Whatever you do
364
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,240
# You know I'm going to
be there pure and simple
365
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,560
WARBLES: # Simple
366
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:17,440
# Yeah, yeah, I'll be there
for you pure and simple... #
367
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:18,840
Just pick a note, yeah?
368
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,560
# Whatever it takes
It takes
369
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,920
# Gonna be there
370
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:25,560
# Swear it's true
You know I'm gonna be there
371
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,840
# Be there
Pure and simple
372
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,240
# Yeah, yeah
373
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:30,600
# I'll be there for you
374
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,440
THROATY: # Pure and simple
gonna be there. #
375
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,120
Whoa.
376
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,240
Well?
377
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,000
Yeah, I mean, erm,
378
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,920
you just don't have star quality.
379
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,720
You don't have...
380
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,080
..charisma.
381
00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,280
Oh, no.
No charisma?
382
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,000
I'll tell you what stood out for me.
383
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,520
That thing over there.
384
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,800
What?
M-Me?
385
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,480
Have you ever thought about going
solo? Sorry, is this a joke?
386
00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:11,000
No. She just made
noises and coughed.
387
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,600
It was exquisite.
388
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,200
Well, I mean, I wouldn't really
want to split up from Karen just,
389
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,520
obviously, cos we started
390
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,280
the journey together and everything.
Oh, whatever.
391
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,640
I know you can do this.
392
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,280
I just know it.
393
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:26,800
Do what?
394
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:31,680
I mean, I don't really know any
words to any songs or anything.
395
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,040
What's that?
396
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:35,360
It's time - that's what it is.
397
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:36,840
It's time. Wow, great.
398
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,600
NOW there's a microphone.
399
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:46,520
# L'amour est un oiseau rebelle
400
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,800
# Que nul ne peut apprivoiser
401
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,160
# Et c'est bien
en vain qu'on l'appelle
402
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,520
# S'il lui convient de refuser
403
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:01,200
# Rien n'y fait, menace ou priere
404
00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:05,120
# L'un parle bien,
l'autre se tait
405
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,840
# Et c'est l'autre que
je prefere
406
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,920
# Il n'a rien dit, mais il me plait
407
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,760
# L'amour
408
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,320
# L'amour
409
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,720
# L'amour
410
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,640
# L'amour
411
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,960
# L'amour est enfant de boheme
412
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,440
# Il n'a jamais, jamais,
connu de loi
413
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,200
# Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime
414
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:42,400
# Si je t'aime,
prends garde a toi... #
415
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,080
BACKING TRACK CHORUS
416
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,920
When did she learn
to speak Italian?
417
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,520
She can't even
walk in a straight line.
418
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:55,920
# Mais je t'aime, si je t'aime
419
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,120
# Prends garde a toi. #
420
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,480
COUGHS
421
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,360
CHEERING
422
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,320
Chi, that was crazy.
423
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,280
I mean, you could do Royal Variety.
424
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,320
I mean, I think it worked
better with Karen but...
425
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,040
Oh, yeah, you were good too, sorry.
426
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,280
Yeah, I wasn't good enough,
though, was I, Dave?
427
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,080
You know, I didn't even come second.
428
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,640
It's just like the Saturdays
429
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,320
all over again. Oh, give it a rest!
430
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:41,680
Excuse me?
431
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:44,040
I said give it a rest -
you're always complaining.
432
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,200
I mean if it's not one
thing it's the other
433
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,880
and you always want what
you can't have
434
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:50,040
and nothing is ever good
enough for you. How dare you!
435
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,280
Do you know who you're talking to?
Well, it sure as fuck
436
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,720
isn't Frankie Bridge! Dave!
437
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,800
No, no, no...
Guys, guys!
438
00:22:55,800 --> 00:23:00,640
You don't want this... Let's
handle this properly, like adults.
439
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:03,760
Are we going to be on TV?
440
00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:07,240
Lucas feels like Karen always
wants what she can't have
441
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,280
and that she treats her niece
Chi unfairly. However, Karen
442
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:14,600
feels like Chi shouldn't have won
because she has no stage presence.
443
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:16,120
Karen has no life presence.
444
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,880
That's a bit harsh, Lil Cass.
445
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,600
It's Lu-cas!
446
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,760
And you can shut up too.
I mean, yeah, Karen's a beast
447
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,280
but at least she's been present.
Thank you.
448
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:26,640
Wait, beast? God knows how many
449
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,000
other kids you've mothered
that you don't know about.
450
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,360
Yeah, Michelle!
At least she's alive!
451
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:35,800
OK, so Chi likes the fact
that Michelle is alive.
452
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:38,320
Is there something
you'd like to say to Karen?
453
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,240
Yeah, actually, Sarah, there is.
454
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:42,280
Thank you for asking. OK, go ahead.
455
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:46,320
You need to be nicer to Chi
because she loves you
456
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,200
and her parents are dead.
457
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,040
I mean, look at us! This isn't what
this trip was meant to be about.
458
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:55,680
It was meant to be about
caravans and family.
459
00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:58,000
You're absolutely right, Lu...
460
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,040
Lu-cas? Is it Lu-cas?
461
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:02,880
Well, it's...it's Lucas, yeah.
462
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,040
I haven't been there for ya.
463
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,000
But...I'm going to really try!
464
00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:13,000
It's OK. I understand, but...
465
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,400
..but...at least we have right now.
466
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:17,720
Exactly!
467
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,360
I'm going to be there for
you from now on. Really?
468
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,800
Yeah! That's great, Mum.
I know.
469
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,240
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
470
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,240
That makes me really happy.
Oh, good.
471
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,000
Having said all that,
I am about to move to Spain.
472
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,400
What? What?
473
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:33,760
Yeah.
474
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,640
# Ooh-ah
Just a little bit
475
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,120
# Ooh-ah
A little bit more
476
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,000
# Ooh-ah
Just a little bit
477
00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,680
# You know what I'm looking for
478
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,480
# Ooh-ah
Just a little bit
479
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,440
# Ooh-ah
A little bit more
480
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:46,280
# Ooh-ah
Just a little bit
481
00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,440
# I'll give you love you
can't ignore
482
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,760
# What can you do for me?
483
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,360
# Oh, what can you do?
484
00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,640
# Cos I feel so alive
485
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:03,840
# I feel your love inside... #
35133
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