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1
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TV: And so an object, moving faster
than the speed of light...
2
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:06,440
SHE SNORTS
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,040
..could theoretically
go back in time.
4
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Imagine running so fast,
you go back in time.
5
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Brian's Cox.
6
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Where would you go?
7
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Where would you stop?
8
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And why?
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Chi.
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Chi!
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Chi, why are you eating cat food?
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Oh, hey, guys. Hey.
13
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Why cat food?
14
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You've gone out and bought that.
Is that cat food?
15
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Cos it says it support
vital...vital health.
16
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It also says you get a shiny coat.
17
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Oh, no. Oh.
18
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What the fuck is this? Eclipse.
19
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Oh, no, we need to get this sorted.
20
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Can you sort it, Chi? Come on.
21
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,760
TAPPING
22
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It's not working. Well... Whack it!
..or twist it. It's not working.
23
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Twist it and push it. Bop it?
24
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,480
MUSIC: L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle
from Carmen by Georges Bizet
25
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GHOSTLY VOICE: Pay your bi-i-ills...
26
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Ah. All right, Chi? No. Not really
27
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Yeah, OK.
28
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:37,640
So, what's happened? Oh.
29
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:41,760
It's a long story, but basically
my house has stopped working.
30
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You know, the fridge, the kettle...
Yeah.
31
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..microwave and the bath.
32
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,640
The bath? Yeah.
Chi, that's terrible.
33
00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,440
You should speak to your lawyer
about that.
34
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,440
Yeah, that's a good point, actually,
yeah.
35
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But, in the meantime,
I am going to have to stay here now.
36
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,960
Oh. Nice idea.
I'm sure Karen won't mind.
37
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Oh, no, she'll love that,
cos we're just like this, aren't we?
38
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,160
You're like that. I've always
said it, you're like that. Yeah.
39
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,000
Like...like two AirPods in a case.
In a case, yeah. Yeah, exactly.
40
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,600
No, that's what I was thinking.
41
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,000
RHYTHMIC CREAKING
42
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,960
Apparently, Joe Biden is
a character played by Jim Carrey.
43
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960
What are you talking about?
44
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,360
Hollywood scams.
45
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,480
But I don't really want to talk
about that right now
46
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:17,520
cos I'm trying to get pregnant,
not brainwashed,
47
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:19,520
so can we just get a move on,
please?
48
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:22,400
Sorry, it's just that you kind of
reminded me of him
49
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,760
when you screwed your face up
like that. I reminded you of him?
50
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,560
Yeah. Well, which one?
51
00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:30,800
Well, who do you prefer?
52
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,440
Well, Jim Carrey probably.
53
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,320
Well, do you know how long we have
to wait till they go yellow?
54
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:49,520
It's mad how they do it
when no-one's looking.
55
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,680
Maybe if we turn around... Really?
56
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,360
..face the other way. Yeah. Do that.
57
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,000
Oh! DOORBELL RINGS
58
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,880
This is really what...
I'll answer the door,
59
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:00,800
but you keep an eye
on the bananas. All right.
60
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,520
Chi, I've got it.
61
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,680
Finally! Oh, who are you?
62
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:17,160
I need to take my tampon out.
It's been up there for four days.
63
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,600
You smell amazing, by the way.
64
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,040
Oh, my God, thanks, babes.
65
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,520
Chanel Number Two.
66
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,120
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
67
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,080
Oh, still no en-suite, Dave?
68
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,120
Um, no.
It's second door on the right.
69
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,240
OK. See you. See you.
70
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,160
Dave, was that your ex-wife?
71
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,640
Yeah, looked like her, didn't it?
72
00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,440
Yeah, it did look like her,
actually. Did you invite her?
73
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,880
No! What is she doing here?
74
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,120
Oh, that was such a relief
to take that out.
75
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:49,320
I could actually feel
the toxic shock syndrome kicking in.
76
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,480
Yeah, you don't want that again,
no.
77
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:53,600
This is my new boyfriend, Chank.
78
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,720
Chank, this is my ex, David.
79
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,880
You know, the one that got away.
Well...
80
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,960
The love of my life,
81
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,640
the sexiest man to ever live.
82
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,360
Who are you? I...
83
00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,760
..I'm just Chi.
84
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,160
Karen's...or Karen's niece
to Karen.
85
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,520
I love your energy. I love you.
86
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,800
Oh, my God, hi.
87
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:14,800
And this is Kaz.
88
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,760
It's Karen. "It's Karen."
89
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,080
THEY LAUGH
90
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,480
I don't sound like that.
91
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,680
I just love how stiff you are,
you're so funny!
92
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:26,000
God, it's like she's in the room
with us. It is.
93
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,120
I am in the room with you.
I'm right here.
94
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,280
So that's cool.
Can you say something?
95
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:33,600
Mice to neet...
96
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:34,960
Nice to see...
97
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,000
Sorry. It's OK. Sh!
98
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,000
Do you want a cup of tea?
99
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,360
Yeah. You know me,
I've always loved a boy toy. Yeah.
100
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,480
We met at a swingers party. Yeah.
101
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,520
Didn't actually realise
what it was till I got there.
102
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,760
Yeah, that can happen.
103
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,000
Is it bringing back memories?
104
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:54,920
Lucas, Lucas.
105
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,840
Mum! Oh, my God.
106
00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,480
I haven't seen you in ages,
how have you been? OK!
107
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,520
Why do I recognise him?
108
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,240
Well, cos he's your son, isn't he?
109
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,120
Lewis? Oh, my...
110
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,320
What are you, like, ten now?
111
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,520
Yeah. Sort of. Aw!
112
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Completely forgot I had him.
113
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,040
Yeah.
114
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:20,120
Right, well, just skating over
how completely awful that is,
115
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,200
what is it that
you're actually doing here?
116
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,560
Cos I thought you'd moved to Spain?
Space?
117
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:28,440
No, no, no. No, Margate, babes.
Yeah, I moved about three years ago.
118
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,440
It's probably why
you haven't seen me.
119
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,160
Yeah, well, that makes sense.
Margate is five minutes up the road.
120
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,080
Why...why have you just turned up
here now?
121
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:37,400
Cos she had to change her tampon.
I know! I know!
122
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,200
I completely forgot about it.
123
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,760
That is so you, Mum.
124
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:47,400
This is great. It looks like we can
just be a big huge family again.
125
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:48,720
You've only just met her.
126
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:51,040
Well, I wish she was my mother.
127
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:52,480
I can be your mother.
128
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,840
What, really? Yeah! Oh, my God.
129
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,640
Of course!
Shall we go and get pissed later?
130
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,480
Oh, please, yeah.
131
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,880
Yeah, wow, such a good role model,
isn't she? Role model.
132
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,840
That's on my list as well.
Can you do that too? No!
133
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,400
If anyone's a role model here, a
good role model, it's obviously me.
134
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,080
I'm the one that stepped up
for your...
135
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,960
..spangle son when you were,
I don't know,
136
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,880
probably out in a skip
doing meths somewhere.
137
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:21,360
You've already been such
a good role model to me so far.
138
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,320
Yeah, and me.
You've been incredible.
139
00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:25,440
Well, it's not all diamonds
and rose.
140
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,440
I am in the middle
of an ongoing lawsuit
141
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:28,760
with Thanet District Council.
142
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,760
But we are going celebrating later,
aren't we?
143
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We're going to go bowling!
144
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,400
You're celebrating a lawsuit?
145
00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:37,160
Well, what else am I meant to do,
cry?
146
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,640
That sounds like a lot of fun, Mum.
Yeah, Mum.
147
00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,240
Yeah. Yeah, it does sound fun,
actually. Yeah, let's...
148
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,040
..let's all go bowling.
Let's go bowling.
149
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,240
You hate bowling.
No, I love bowling.
150
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,880
You said that bowling
was for toothless simpletons
151
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,280
and the homeless.
152
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,320
I fucking love bowling, Dave,
all right?
153
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,120
OK. Wow.
154
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,840
That's great, it's sorted, then.
155
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,240
"Spangle"? Yes.
156
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:08,920
..2,064, 2,078, 2,051...
157
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,480
..8,048, 8,049, 8,051 people.
That's a lot of steps.
158
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,600
People? What were you counting?
159
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,960
Shall we go in? Yeah.
160
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:17,880
Oh. Why's no-one here?
161
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,480
Where's she gone? Hello?
162
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,680
Hello! Hello?
163
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,320
Yeah. It's us!
164
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,280
Who's that?
BOTH: Us!
165
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,760
Do you want the door shut or closed?
I don't know who that is, though.
166
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,520
Where's your front lady gone? Oh.
167
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,120
You know, the one that tells me
that you're not here when you are?
168
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:38,440
I had to let her go.
169
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,280
OK. Well, anyway,
why have you turned my house off?
170
00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:42,720
What are you talking about?
171
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,240
The house you manage,
the one she lives in.
172
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,400
Yeah, it's not well. No.
173
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,280
I don't manage your house,
it's your house.
174
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:51,080
Why is it all dark and small?
Have you not been your paying bills?
175
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,520
What do you mean, "small"?
176
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,400
Hold on, you can't give me something
and expect me to pay for it.
177
00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,080
No, you have to pay for things.
178
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,000
I can barely afford
to keep the lights on here.
179
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,600
Business is terrible. You're joking.
Don't sit down.
180
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,880
No, sorry, no, you've got
that wrong. That can't be right.
181
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,040
Yeah, no, he's got that wrong.
Yeah, sorry, mate.
182
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,840
Well, that's life.
So you're saying if you go under,
183
00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:12,080
my lights will never
come back on again.
184
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,560
No. What?
How have you come to that?
185
00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,640
I wish I could help, cos
my new mum, she, er... My old mum.
186
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,000
..she's actually going through
a lawsuit at the minute
187
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,360
and I would suggest you meet her
188
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,960
but her parents aren't dead
so it'd be a waste of time.
189
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,600
And it's a shame because I think
she's loaded, too. Well, hold on.
190
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,120
I don't just deal with inheritance.
191
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,880
She sounds like
a good potential client.
192
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,840
Yeah, she's...she's actually my mum.
193
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,920
I mean, not bragging or anything,
but... Yeah, you've told me that.
194
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,880
You came out of her, didn't you?
Yeah, popped right out of there.
195
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,320
Er, well, do you have her number?
196
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,640
No. Why, do you? Why would...?
197
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,160
No, I don't have it... I thou...
I mean, it's your mum.
198
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,640
I... All right. Er...
199
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,200
What's her name? Mum.
200
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,360
Michelle. Michelle. OK, great.
201
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,880
And her surname?
202
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,480
Michelle. Yeah.
203
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,120
Michelle Michelle? Michelle.
204
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,880
And where does your mum live.
What's her address?
205
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,040
My mum's dead. Not yours...
206
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,080
What's the question? Ah, come on.
207
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,560
Do you have her address?
208
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,040
I don't know her, do I?
I'm asking you.
209
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:25,640
You know, if it means I don't have
to have any more dry showers...
210
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,040
..then, yeah, I suppose we could set
something up. Great. Oh, er...
211
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,120
WHISPERING: You really
have to shower.
212
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:34,640
Oh, and if I can shower here.
213
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:37,160
No. This is an office. Yeah.
214
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,120
No. Yes. She stinks.
215
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,800
No, this is an office. So I....
216
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,280
Come on. Chip-chop, come on.
I thought you said she lived nearby?
217
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,520
Yeah, she does live nearby,
but just different town.
218
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,640
Is that, er... Is that Gary?
219
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,480
No, it's not, Chi. No.
220
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,520
It looks like him. Gary?
221
00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,840
It's not. I'm telling you, it's not.
Gary!
222
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,640
Gary! Oh, it is! Oh. All right?
223
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,360
Hello. Oh, wow.
224
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,960
This is awkward, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is. Yeah.
225
00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:09,720
Why's it awkward, Gary?
226
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:12,880
Er...
227
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,240
So how's...how's it going
with Helen?
228
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,000
Yeah, yeah. No, she's...she's good,
as far as I know.
229
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,760
I love her, she's amazing. Sweet.
You haven't met Helen yet. Yeah.
230
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,280
We're getting divorced.
231
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,520
Just to be clear,
we're not together. Yeah.
232
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,960
No, no, no, no. Of course not.
233
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,760
No, er, yeah, I know the drill.
Yeah.
234
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,120
Yeah. We should probably just...
Yeah. Come on, yeah.
235
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,280
Cos just... Cos he is a paedophile.
Yeah. Yeah.
236
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:35,760
Come on.
237
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,040
Nice to see you, Gary.
238
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:42,160
A paedophile. OK. What do you mean
he's a paedophile? Come on!
239
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,960
I'm the customer, right,
I will not be mugged off. OK?
240
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,240
You've got clean shoes
somewhere in this building.
241
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,920
And I'll be wearing them.
I'm not wearing smelly ones.
242
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,280
I'm...sorry? You should be sorry.
I mean, this is disgraceful.
243
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,920
They smell really nice, Kaz.
Don't put a shoe in my face.
244
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,280
They smell nice. Don't put a shoe
in my face. Unreal.
245
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,520
I'd wear that as a cologne.
246
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,920
We're here.
247
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,000
This is a bowling alley.
No, it's not.
248
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,640
It says bowling alley there. I
thought we were going to her house?
249
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:10,280
No. Yeah. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. No.
250
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,800
Just introduce me and leave it
to me, OK? Yeah, fine.
251
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,520
You won't even know I'm there, OK?
252
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,960
Don't say anything.
253
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,040
Anything at all.
Let me do the talking.
254
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,200
My lips are sealed.
Both ends. What?
255
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,200
It's absolutely ridiculous.
Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.
256
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,000
Take a deep breath. It'll be good.
No, well, it's not good at all.
257
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,480
Right, ready? Yeah? OK. So you know
Karen, you know Dave...
258
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,160
Yeah, all right. And this is
probably the best person
259
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,000
you'll ever meet - well,
in your life anyway - Michelle.
260
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,360
Hello, Michelle,
very nice to meet you.
261
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,120
Oh, my God, have we...?
262
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,480
Did we sleep together?
263
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,920
No. No. What? No, we haven't.
264
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,360
I'm... No, I'm here with Chi.
Yeah. He gave me a house.
265
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,240
Oh! No, he stole my house, actually.
I did not.
266
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,400
I did not steal the house.
I'm a solicitor.
267
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,120
Oh, OK. Nice one, Chi!
268
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,040
I won a frog! I won a frog!
269
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,840
Aw! Frog! Is he one of yours?
270
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,480
What size? Four. Frog. Can I have
four shoes? No, she means...
271
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,960
It is very nice to meet you...
Can I just try something?
272
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,840
Frog.
273
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,040
It's for you, Mama.
274
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,920
THEY LAUGH
275
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,240
Michelle, it'd be good to have
a chat at some point.
276
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,000
I'd love to, Ads. Love to.
277
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,880
I love that shape
you're doing with your hair.
278
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,040
I could do this on your hair.
279
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,160
Cos I'm a solicitor,
so it'd be good to... On my hair?
280
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,960
I know you are, darlin', well done.
..it might be useful for you to...
281
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,320
Yeah, I can do it on your hair.
What right now? Are you sure?
282
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,520
Yeah, it's easy.
283
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,080
I mean, my office is nearby
if you...
284
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,760
Just give us a sec, Adam, yeah?
285
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,200
Oh! HE GROANS
286
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:46,760
Oh!
287
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:49,960
Yes!
288
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,320
NO! KIDS LAUGH
289
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:55,120
Give me the frog. No.
Give me the frog. No.
290
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,440
What you doing?!
291
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,600
You need to calm down.
292
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,840
You think? Yes.
293
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:02,120
Do you want me to try?
294
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,480
No, I need to do it.
295
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,960
Let me try. No, I need to do it.
296
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,480
Another 20, please.
297
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,120
Are you sure
you want to break into that?
298
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,200
There we go,
nice little slutty French plait.
299
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,720
It's not even neat.
300
00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:15,840
Ooh, could you do it on him?
301
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,520
I could, I could easily plait
your beard. No, my hair's too short.
302
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,160
No, you don't need to do that.
303
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,520
I did it. I did it.
304
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,120
HE MOUTHS
305
00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:31,880
HE SOBS
306
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,920
Aw, thanks, babes.
Don't call me that.
307
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:39,200
Just realised you're Terry
and Tanya's kid, Chi, aren't you?
308
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,280
Mm-hm. I am. How are they?
309
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,280
Oh, they're dead. Yeah.
310
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,760
Fuck off! Yeah.
What do you mean?
311
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,120
Basically, yeah.
312
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,200
Earlier this year,
they-they just got, like,
313
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,440
obliterated by a lorry. SHE LAUGHS
314
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,640
Sorry,
that's completely inappropriate.
315
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:58,480
That's fucking awful! THEY LAUGH
316
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,680
Yeah. I actually
really miss them, actually.
317
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,280
Oh, my God, that's not funny at all.
318
00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:06,360
I'm sorry. It was completely tragic.
Why's everyone laughing?
319
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,040
That's not funny at all.
I know, it's not. No!
320
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:12,240
Oh, my God. Obviously,
when Lucia's parents passed,
321
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,760
that's when we first met.
322
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:15,800
Aww! Yeah, he...he was
really good to me, though,
323
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,400
to be honest with you.
I love a man who steps up.
324
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,760
Yeah. Well, I'm just doing my...
It's my job, so...
325
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,760
You're a good guy. Yeah?
Yeah, a good one. Got a good one.
326
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,080
Doing my job. Adam's a lawyer. Ah.
327
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:29,600
Solicitor.
Riddle me this, Mr Lawyer.
328
00:14:29,600 --> 00:14:31,840
Did OJ O'do it?
329
00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:34,160
That's got nothing to do
with anything, has it?
330
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,840
Objection. Biased.
331
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,880
Objection overruled.
Oh, that's it, overruled.
332
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,840
Do you say that?
"Objection overruled"?
333
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,360
All right, Mum?
Look what I have just won for you!
334
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:45,880
Well, it's a frog. Yeah.
335
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,280
From earlier, when you...
From the comment, "Frog."
336
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,720
You're such a weird kid, Lorcan!
337
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,320
I...I don't want that.
OK. Yeah, you don't...
338
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,320
Yeah, you don't like... Yeah,
it's a stupid little frog, isn't it?
339
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,400
Stupid little frog feet,
stupid little big eyes
340
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,520
and its beautiful face. Urgh!
341
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,360
Yeah, that was a silly idea. I'm
so sorry about that, Mich... Mum.
342
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,360
Does anyone want a vape
before we start?
343
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,720
Oh, I've always wanted a vape.
344
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:10,920
Michelle, would now be a good time
to have a..? Come on.
345
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,200
Yeah, I'll come too.
Yeah, wait for me.
346
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:14,240
That's...
347
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,520
Yeah, I think I'm more of
a fag girl, actually.
348
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:20,840
I don't think you can say that
any more, Kaz.
349
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:21,880
All right.
350
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,120
No, I don't think I like that.
Well, why would you do...?
351
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,560
It tastes like Yorkshire pudding.
352
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:27,320
Why would you do both
at the same time?
353
00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,080
Oh, no, don't leave me with her.
Oh...
354
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,120
So Dave tells me
you're trying for a baby.
355
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,240
SHE SCOFFS
356
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,040
No, not... I mean... I wouldn't...
357
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,360
I wouldn't say we're trying,
we're just...
358
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,600
Just see what happens.
359
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,200
Sometimes I really regret
not having kids. Oh!
360
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:50,120
We're...we're just going to head in
but I'll, er, catch you in there.
361
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,600
I'm quite surprised you haven't
had one already actually.
362
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,600
Yeah, well,
what's that supposed to mean?
363
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,400
Oh, you know Dave
and his ridiculously fertile sperm.
364
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,680
No. Yeah!
365
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,920
No, he's got a very average
sperm count, actually.
366
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,400
Oh, no, I'm just saying because,
like, when we were together,
367
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,120
I was just always getting pregnant,
like... What? ..just...
368
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,480
Oh, yeah, like knocking out
pregnancies left right and centre.
369
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,200
Like, 20 a year.
370
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:18,120
Just, like, bosh! Pregnant.
Bang, bang, bang.
371
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,160
So... Well, I mean...
372
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:31,440
I hear you need to de-stress
in order to get pregnant.
373
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:34,240
Fucking hell. What...
What has Dave told you?
374
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:36,160
Look, if you want to lower
your blood pressure,
375
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,920
just have a go on Chank.
376
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,600
Sorry... Honestly just
jump on Chank. What? No. No.
377
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,040
He does wonders. Whenever
I'm stressed, I get Chank in.
378
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,320
Honestly just jump on.
379
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,960
But why? I don't understand why you
think that would work for me.
380
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,360
Because he will open you up,
darling. He will open... Yeah.
381
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,240
See, I don't think Dave opens...
No. ..you up.
382
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,560
Dave does open me up. Does...
Dave does a very good job...
383
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,040
Does he open you up?
..of opening me up. No.
384
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,360
He's got the good span, Dave...
385
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,360
Dave is very, very good at opening
me up, thank you very much, OK? OK.
386
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,080
Oh, here comes
the bowling champion, eh, Miche?
387
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,400
I'm coming!
388
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,680
I could be a champion.
What the fuck, Dave?!
389
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,600
Wait, they've put my name on wrong.
390
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,040
It says "Chin".
391
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,160
Oh, sorry. Was it you?
392
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,680
Oh.
393
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,840
I'm...I'm not on...
I better be Mum Number One.
394
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:20,360
My name's not on there.
Where's Chank?
395
00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,640
Am I not playing or...?
396
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:26,360
MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough
by Depeche Mode
397
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,200
CHEERING
398
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,880
Oh! Yeah... Oh.
399
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:41,560
Please don't finger me.
400
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,480
Sorry, I have to.
401
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,200
THEY CHEER
402
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,120
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
403
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,840
Why are you clapping that?
Don't clap that!
404
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,440
Spar!
405
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,560
THEY CHEER
406
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,360
I love you, Chi. I love you.
407
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,320
Adam's great, isn't he? Mm.
You've done so well there, Chi.
408
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,160
A lawyer.
409
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,440
I mean, for me, I just wish Adam
would let me see him more, you know?
410
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,960
What's that, babes? Well,
I shouldn't say really, actually,
411
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,160
just cos he doesn't want me
talking to you, so...
412
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,280
He doesn't...?
That's a bit controlling.
413
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:31,520
Yeah. Well, no, he's...
he's great, it's just...you know.
414
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,840
What did...? What?
415
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:37,040
He just won't turn my electricity
or water back on.
416
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,000
Well, that is not OK.
417
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,640
Yeah. I mean, it would be fine,
418
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,880
but he, he won't let me shower
at his either. He won't let...?
419
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,840
Michelle, I'd love to have a word
with you.
420
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,760
Yeah, I'd love to have a word
with you actually.
421
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,040
Oh, great. Yeah, so...
422
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:53,520
Chi can speak to whoever
she wants to speak to.
423
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,720
All right. Yeah. Yeah,
meet a girl half your age,
424
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,080
give her a house,
control her electricity...
425
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,160
What?! ..I know a pimp when I see
one. Wait, I'm not...I'm not a pimp!
426
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,480
She's not washed. She stinks!
427
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,400
Yeah, I don't know
what she's been telling you,
428
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,960
but that's not what this is.
She's actually told me quite a lot,
429
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,280
which I expect you wanted to keep
a bit hush-hush, did ya?
430
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:11,360
No, I'm, I'm a solicitor!
431
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,840
Trying to pull...trying to pull
the wool over my eyes, are ya?
432
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,040
I'm not trying to do anything!
You're not a solicitor.
433
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,720
You turn up
in your snazzy little suit...
434
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,320
I promise you, I've got an office!
I'll bet you've got an office.
435
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,760
I've got a briefcase!
Um... Sorry my finger was inside...
436
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,440
You don't have to say fingers.
It's fine. Yeah, yeah.
437
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:27,880
I've just pissed all over my shoes,
438
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,680
just in case
anyone thinks it's water.
439
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,080
I haven't done anything wrong!
440
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:40,080
Well, next time, just don't leave
the house without a key. Yeah.
441
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:41,680
Why is it so dark in here?
442
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,920
You tell me!
I've had a right time of it.
443
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,000
Ah, Chi, what are all these?!
444
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,920
Why haven't you even opened them?
445
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:50,800
I don't know what brown
and white squares do -
446
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,040
Mum and Dad used to do that.
447
00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,440
Yeah, well, they're not going to
deal with it now, are they?
448
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,360
God, this one's an energy bill.
Have you not paid anything?
449
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,680
I only found out
that was a thing today.
450
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,440
What do you want me to do? I've been
having dry showers all week.
451
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:06,280
The soap gets stuck to my body hair,
just like thick crust.
452
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,240
You're just... You're so disgusting.
I can't...
453
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,880
Hi, yeah,
I'd like to make a payment.
454
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:19,120
Yeah, it's for my idiot niece who
thought everything was free in life.
455
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,880
Whoever's idea it was
to collect all the rain in cups
456
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,240
and sell it for profit
was a fucking genius, to be fair.
457
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,360
Sh!
458
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,080
Yeah. No, I know.
459
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,440
I guess I'm just such a good
role model, unlike other people,
460
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,560
who someone might have
only just met today.
461
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,040
ON PHONE: Hello? Are you listening?
462
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,880
Yeah, no, sorry, I am listening,
here's my bank details.
463
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,680
MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE
464
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,600
Still on hold.
465
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,400
Who?
466
00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:50,720
Were you asleep? No.
467
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,120
Better not have been.
468
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,760
Still on hold.
469
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,040
It's back.
470
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,520
Yeah, yeah, it's on now.
Thank you.
471
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:04,960
Oh, thank God for that.
472
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,920
No, don't thank God, thank me.
I'm the one that just paid for it.
473
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:12,080
Right. Night, then. Night, then.
Don't overuse electricity.
474
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,960
No. Actually, before you go,
could you just quickly check...?
475
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:17,280
Oh.
476
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,640
BOTH: Oh!
Finally. Thank God for that!
477
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,360
Although I was quite enjoying
the endless darkness of death. Oh.
478
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:31,200
TV: I'd love to tell you
what the grand total is,
479
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,640
but I cannot see anything.
480
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,320
Does anyone know where I live?
481
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:44,320
ELECTRICAL BUZZING Oh, for...
482
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,840
# How does it feel
483
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# To treat me like you do?
484
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# When you've laid
your hands upon me
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# And told me who you are. #
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