Original subtitles

TV: And so an object, moving faster than the speed of light...

SHE SNORTS

..could theoretically go back in time.

Imagine running so fast, you go back in time.

Brian's Cox.

Where would you go?

Where would you stop?

And why?

Chi.

Chi!

Chi, why are you eating cat food?

Oh, hey, guys. Hey.

Why cat food?

You've gone out and bought that. Is that cat food?

Cos it says it support vital...vital health.

It also says you get a shiny coat.

Oh, no. Oh.

What the fuck is this? Eclipse.

Oh, no, we need to get this sorted.

Can you sort it, Chi? Come on.

TAPPING

It's not working. Well... Whack it! ..or twist it. It's not working.

Twist it and push it. Bop it?

MUSIC: L'Amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle from Carmen by Georges Bizet

GHOSTLY VOICE: Pay your bi-i-ills...

Ah. All right, Chi? No. Not really

Yeah, OK.

So, what's happened? Oh.

It's a long story, but basically my house has stopped working.

You know, the fridge, the kettle... Yeah.

..microwave and the bath.

The bath? Yeah. Chi, that's terrible.

You should speak to your lawyer about that.

Yeah, that's a good point, actually, yeah.

But, in the meantime, I am going to have to stay here now.

Oh. Nice idea. I'm sure Karen won't mind.

Oh, no, she'll love that, cos we're just like this, aren't we?

You're like that. I've always said it, you're like that. Yeah.

Like...like two AirPods in a case. In a case, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

No, that's what I was thinking.

RHYTHMIC CREAKING

Apparently, Joe Biden is a character played by Jim Carrey.

What are you talking about?

Hollywood scams.

But I don't really want to talk about that right now

cos I'm trying to get pregnant, not brainwashed,

so can we just get a move on, please?

Sorry, it's just that you kind of reminded me of him

when you screwed your face up like that. I reminded you of him?

Yeah. Well, which one?

Well, who do you prefer?

Well, Jim Carrey probably.

Well, do you know how long we have to wait till they go yellow?

It's mad how they do it when no-one's looking.

Maybe if we turn around... Really?

..face the other way. Yeah. Do that.

Oh! DOORBELL RINGS

This is really what... I'll answer the door,

but you keep an eye on the bananas. All right.

Chi, I've got it.

Finally! Oh, who are you?

I need to take my tampon out. It's been up there for four days.

You smell amazing, by the way.

Oh, my God, thanks, babes.

Chanel Number Two.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, still no en-suite, Dave?

Um, no. It's second door on the right.

OK. See you. See you.

Dave, was that your ex-wife?

Yeah, looked like her, didn't it?

Yeah, it did look like her, actually. Did you invite her?

No! What is she doing here?

Oh, that was such a relief to take that out.

I could actually feel the toxic shock syndrome kicking in.

Yeah, you don't want that again, no.

This is my new boyfriend, Chank.

Chank, this is my ex, David.

You know, the one that got away. Well...

The love of my life,

the sexiest man to ever live.

Who are you? I...

..I'm just Chi.

Karen's...or Karen's niece to Karen.

I love your energy. I love you.

Oh, my God, hi.

And this is Kaz.

It's Karen. "It's Karen."

THEY LAUGH

I don't sound like that.

I just love how stiff you are, you're so funny!

God, it's like she's in the room with us. It is.

I am in the room with you. I'm right here.

So that's cool. Can you say something?

Mice to neet...

Nice to see...

Sorry. It's OK. Sh!

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yeah. You know me, I've always loved a boy toy. Yeah.

We met at a swingers party. Yeah.

Didn't actually realise what it was till I got there.

Yeah, that can happen.

Is it bringing back memories?

Lucas, Lucas.

Mum! Oh, my God.

I haven't seen you in ages, how have you been? OK!

Why do I recognise him?

Well, cos he's your son, isn't he?

Lewis? Oh, my...

What are you, like, ten now?

Yeah. Sort of. Aw!

Completely forgot I had him.

Yeah.

Right, well, just skating over how completely awful that is,

what is it that you're actually doing here?

Cos I thought you'd moved to Spain? Space?

No, no, no. No, Margate, babes. Yeah, I moved about three years ago.

It's probably why you haven't seen me.

Yeah, well, that makes sense. Margate is five minutes up the road.

Why...why have you just turned up here now?

Cos she had to change her tampon. I know! I know!

I completely forgot about it.

That is so you, Mum.

This is great. It looks like we can just be a big huge family again.

You've only just met her.

Well, I wish she was my mother.

I can be your mother.

What, really? Yeah! Oh, my God.

Of course! Shall we go and get pissed later?

Oh, please, yeah.

Yeah, wow, such a good role model, isn't she? Role model.

That's on my list as well. Can you do that too? No!

If anyone's a role model here, a good role model, it's obviously me.

I'm the one that stepped up for your...

..spangle son when you were, I don't know,

probably out in a skip doing meths somewhere.

You've already been such a good role model to me so far.

Yeah, and me. You've been incredible.

Well, it's not all diamonds and rose.

I am in the middle of an ongoing lawsuit

with Thanet District Council.

But we are going celebrating later, aren't we?

We're going to go bowling!

You're celebrating a lawsuit?

Well, what else am I meant to do, cry?

That sounds like a lot of fun, Mum. Yeah, Mum.

Yeah. Yeah, it does sound fun, actually. Yeah, let's...

..let's all go bowling. Let's go bowling.

You hate bowling. No, I love bowling.

You said that bowling was for toothless simpletons

and the homeless.

I fucking love bowling, Dave, all right?

OK. Wow.

That's great, it's sorted, then.

"Spangle"? Yes.

..2,064, 2,078, 2,051...

..8,048, 8,049, 8,051 people. That's a lot of steps.

People? What were you counting?

Shall we go in? Yeah.

Oh. Why's no-one here?

Where's she gone? Hello?

Hello! Hello?

Yeah. It's us!

Who's that? BOTH: Us!

Do you want the door shut or closed? I don't know who that is, though.

Where's your front lady gone? Oh.

You know, the one that tells me that you're not here when you are?

I had to let her go.

OK. Well, anyway, why have you turned my house off?

What are you talking about?

The house you manage, the one she lives in.

Yeah, it's not well. No.

I don't manage your house, it's your house.

Why is it all dark and small? Have you not been your paying bills?

What do you mean, "small"?

Hold on, you can't give me something and expect me to pay for it.

No, you have to pay for things.

I can barely afford to keep the lights on here.

Business is terrible. You're joking. Don't sit down.

No, sorry, no, you've got that wrong. That can't be right.

Yeah, no, he's got that wrong. Yeah, sorry, mate.

Well, that's life. So you're saying if you go under,

my lights will never come back on again.

No. What? How have you come to that?

I wish I could help, cos my new mum, she, er... My old mum.

..she's actually going through a lawsuit at the minute

and I would suggest you meet her

but her parents aren't dead so it'd be a waste of time.

And it's a shame because I think she's loaded, too. Well, hold on.

I don't just deal with inheritance.

She sounds like a good potential client.

Yeah, she's...she's actually my mum.

I mean, not bragging or anything, but... Yeah, you've told me that.

You came out of her, didn't you? Yeah, popped right out of there.

Er, well, do you have her number?

No. Why, do you? Why would...?

No, I don't have it... I thou... I mean, it's your mum.

I... All right. Er...

What's her name? Mum.

Michelle. Michelle. OK, great.

And her surname?

Michelle. Yeah.

Michelle Michelle? Michelle.

And where does your mum live. What's her address?

My mum's dead. Not yours...

What's the question? Ah, come on.

Do you have her address?

I don't know her, do I? I'm asking you.

You know, if it means I don't have to have any more dry showers...

..then, yeah, I suppose we could set something up. Great. Oh, er...

WHISPERING: You really have to shower.

Oh, and if I can shower here.

No. This is an office. Yeah.

No. Yes. She stinks.

No, this is an office. So I....

Come on. Chip-chop, come on. I thought you said she lived nearby?

Yeah, she does live nearby, but just different town.

Is that, er... Is that Gary?

No, it's not, Chi. No.

It looks like him. Gary?

It's not. I'm telling you, it's not. Gary!

Gary! Oh, it is! Oh. All right?

Hello. Oh, wow.

This is awkward, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is. Yeah.

Why's it awkward, Gary?

Er...

So how's...how's it going with Helen?

Yeah, yeah. No, she's...she's good, as far as I know.

I love her, she's amazing. Sweet. You haven't met Helen yet. Yeah.

We're getting divorced.

Just to be clear, we're not together. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. Of course not.

No, er, yeah, I know the drill. Yeah.

Yeah. We should probably just... Yeah. Come on, yeah.

Cos just... Cos he is a paedophile. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on.

Nice to see you, Gary.

A paedophile. OK. What do you mean he's a paedophile? Come on!

I'm the customer, right, I will not be mugged off. OK?

You've got clean shoes somewhere in this building.

And I'll be wearing them. I'm not wearing smelly ones.

I'm...sorry? You should be sorry. I mean, this is disgraceful.

They smell really nice, Kaz. Don't put a shoe in my face.

They smell nice. Don't put a shoe in my face. Unreal.

I'd wear that as a cologne.

We're here.

This is a bowling alley. No, it's not.

It says bowling alley there. I thought we were going to her house?

No. Yeah. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. No.

Just introduce me and leave it to me, OK? Yeah, fine.

You won't even know I'm there, OK?

Don't say anything.

Anything at all. Let me do the talking.

My lips are sealed. Both ends. What?

It's absolutely ridiculous. Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.

Take a deep breath. It'll be good. No, well, it's not good at all.

Right, ready? Yeah? OK. So you know Karen, you know Dave...

Yeah, all right. And this is probably the best person

you'll ever meet - well, in your life anyway - Michelle.

Hello, Michelle, very nice to meet you.

Oh, my God, have we...?

Did we sleep together?

No. No. What? No, we haven't.

I'm... No, I'm here with Chi. Yeah. He gave me a house.

Oh! No, he stole my house, actually. I did not.

I did not steal the house. I'm a solicitor.

Oh, OK. Nice one, Chi!

I won a frog! I won a frog!

Aw! Frog! Is he one of yours?

What size? Four. Frog. Can I have four shoes? No, she means...

It is very nice to meet you... Can I just try something?

Frog.

It's for you, Mama.

THEY LAUGH

Michelle, it'd be good to have a chat at some point.

I'd love to, Ads. Love to.

I love that shape you're doing with your hair.

I could do this on your hair.

Cos I'm a solicitor, so it'd be good to... On my hair?

I know you are, darlin', well done. ..it might be useful for you to...

Yeah, I can do it on your hair. What right now? Are you sure?

Yeah, it's easy.

I mean, my office is nearby if you...

Just give us a sec, Adam, yeah?

Oh! HE GROANS

Oh!

Yes!

NO! KIDS LAUGH

Give me the frog. No. Give me the frog. No.

What you doing?!

You need to calm down.

You think? Yes.

Do you want me to try?

No, I need to do it.

Let me try. No, I need to do it.

Another 20, please.

Are you sure you want to break into that?

There we go, nice little slutty French plait.

It's not even neat.

Ooh, could you do it on him?

I could, I could easily plait your beard. No, my hair's too short.

No, you don't need to do that.

I did it. I did it.

HE MOUTHS

HE SOBS

Aw, thanks, babes. Don't call me that.

Just realised you're Terry and Tanya's kid, Chi, aren't you?

Mm-hm. I am. How are they?

Oh, they're dead. Yeah.

Fuck off! Yeah. What do you mean?

Basically, yeah.

Earlier this year, they-they just got, like,

obliterated by a lorry. SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, that's completely inappropriate.

That's fucking awful! THEY LAUGH

Yeah. I actually really miss them, actually.

Oh, my God, that's not funny at all.

I'm sorry. It was completely tragic. Why's everyone laughing?

That's not funny at all. I know, it's not. No!

Oh, my God. Obviously, when Lucia's parents passed,

that's when we first met.

Aww! Yeah, he...he was really good to me, though,

to be honest with you. I love a man who steps up.

Yeah. Well, I'm just doing my... It's my job, so...

You're a good guy. Yeah? Yeah, a good one. Got a good one.

Doing my job. Adam's a lawyer. Ah.

Solicitor. Riddle me this, Mr Lawyer.

Did OJ O'do it?

That's got nothing to do with anything, has it?

Objection. Biased.

Objection overruled. Oh, that's it, overruled.

Do you say that? "Objection overruled"?

All right, Mum? Look what I have just won for you!

Well, it's a frog. Yeah.

From earlier, when you... From the comment, "Frog."

You're such a weird kid, Lorcan!

I...I don't want that. OK. Yeah, you don't...

Yeah, you don't like... Yeah, it's a stupid little frog, isn't it?

Stupid little frog feet, stupid little big eyes

and its beautiful face. Urgh!

Yeah, that was a silly idea. I'm so sorry about that, Mich... Mum.

Does anyone want a vape before we start?

Oh, I've always wanted a vape.

Michelle, would now be a good time to have a..? Come on.

Yeah, I'll come too. Yeah, wait for me.

That's...

Yeah, I think I'm more of a fag girl, actually.

I don't think you can say that any more, Kaz.

All right.

No, I don't think I like that. Well, why would you do...?

It tastes like Yorkshire pudding.

Why would you do both at the same time?

Oh, no, don't leave me with her. Oh...

So Dave tells me you're trying for a baby.

SHE SCOFFS

No, not... I mean... I wouldn't...

I wouldn't say we're trying, we're just...

Just see what happens.

Sometimes I really regret not having kids. Oh!

We're...we're just going to head in but I'll, er, catch you in there.

I'm quite surprised you haven't had one already actually.

Yeah, well, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, you know Dave and his ridiculously fertile sperm.

No. Yeah!

No, he's got a very average sperm count, actually.

Oh, no, I'm just saying because, like, when we were together,

I was just always getting pregnant, like... What? ..just...

Oh, yeah, like knocking out pregnancies left right and centre.

Like, 20 a year.

Just, like, bosh! Pregnant. Bang, bang, bang.

So... Well, I mean...

I hear you need to de-stress in order to get pregnant.

Fucking hell. What... What has Dave told you?

Look, if you want to lower your blood pressure,

just have a go on Chank.

Sorry... Honestly just jump on Chank. What? No. No.

He does wonders. Whenever I'm stressed, I get Chank in.

Honestly just jump on.

But why? I don't understand why you think that would work for me.

Because he will open you up, darling. He will open... Yeah.

See, I don't think Dave opens... No. ..you up.

Dave does open me up. Does... Dave does a very good job...

Does he open you up? ..of opening me up. No.

He's got the good span, Dave...

Dave is very, very good at opening me up, thank you very much, OK? OK.

Oh, here comes the bowling champion, eh, Miche?

I'm coming!

I could be a champion. What the fuck, Dave?!

Wait, they've put my name on wrong.

It says "Chin".

Oh, sorry. Was it you?

Oh.

I'm...I'm not on... I better be Mum Number One.

My name's not on there. Where's Chank?

Am I not playing or...?

MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

CHEERING

Oh! Yeah... Oh.

Please don't finger me.

Sorry, I have to.

THEY CHEER

Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Why are you clapping that? Don't clap that!

Spar!

THEY CHEER

I love you, Chi. I love you.

Adam's great, isn't he? Mm. You've done so well there, Chi.

A lawyer.

I mean, for me, I just wish Adam would let me see him more, you know?

What's that, babes? Well, I shouldn't say really, actually,

just cos he doesn't want me talking to you, so...

He doesn't...? That's a bit controlling.

Yeah. Well, no, he's... he's great, it's just...you know.

What did...? What?

He just won't turn my electricity or water back on.

Well, that is not OK.

Yeah. I mean, it would be fine,

but he, he won't let me shower at his either. He won't let...?

Michelle, I'd love to have a word with you.

Yeah, I'd love to have a word with you actually.

Oh, great. Yeah, so...

Chi can speak to whoever she wants to speak to.

All right. Yeah. Yeah, meet a girl half your age,

give her a house, control her electricity...

What?! ..I know a pimp when I see one. Wait, I'm not...I'm not a pimp!

She's not washed. She stinks!

Yeah, I don't know what she's been telling you,

but that's not what this is. She's actually told me quite a lot,

which I expect you wanted to keep a bit hush-hush, did ya?

No, I'm, I'm a solicitor!

Trying to pull...trying to pull the wool over my eyes, are ya?

I'm not trying to do anything! You're not a solicitor.

You turn up in your snazzy little suit...

I promise you, I've got an office! I'll bet you've got an office.

I've got a briefcase! Um... Sorry my finger was inside...

You don't have to say fingers. It's fine. Yeah, yeah.

I've just pissed all over my shoes,

just in case anyone thinks it's water.

I haven't done anything wrong!

Well, next time, just don't leave the house without a key. Yeah.

Why is it so dark in here?

You tell me! I've had a right time of it.

Ah, Chi, what are all these?!

Why haven't you even opened them?

I don't know what brown and white squares do -

Mum and Dad used to do that.

Yeah, well, they're not going to deal with it now, are they?

God, this one's an energy bill. Have you not paid anything?

I only found out that was a thing today.

What do you want me to do? I've been having dry showers all week.

The soap gets stuck to my body hair, just like thick crust.

You're just... You're so disgusting. I can't...

Hi, yeah, I'd like to make a payment.

Yeah, it's for my idiot niece who thought everything was free in life.

Whoever's idea it was to collect all the rain in cups

and sell it for profit was a fucking genius, to be fair.

Sh!

Yeah. No, I know.

I guess I'm just such a good role model, unlike other people,

who someone might have only just met today.

ON PHONE: Hello? Are you listening?

Yeah, no, sorry, I am listening, here's my bank details.

MUZAK PLAYS OVER PHONE

Still on hold.

Who?

Were you asleep? No.

Better not have been.

Still on hold.

It's back.

Yeah, yeah, it's on now. Thank you.

Oh, thank God for that.

No, don't thank God, thank me. I'm the one that just paid for it.

Right. Night, then. Night, then. Don't overuse electricity.

No. Actually, before you go, could you just quickly check...?

Oh.

BOTH: Oh! Finally. Thank God for that!

Although I was quite enjoying the endless darkness of death. Oh.

TV: I'd love to tell you what the grand total is,

but I cannot see anything.

Does anyone know where I live?

ELECTRICAL BUZZING Oh, for...

# How does it feel

# To treat me like you do?

# When you've laid your hands upon me

# And told me who you are. #