Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

and adult humour from the start

MUFFLED SPLAT

Ow! OK, yeah.

I'm stuck.

Sorry. Yeah, no, don't worry, it's me... It's my fault.

Yeah, I shouldn't have been, you know...

Do you know when dinner is?

I don't know, I'm waiting for Mum and Dad to get back.

You don't think you could maybe pop down to the Co-op yourself?

Thing is, I'm more of a stay-at-home daughter.

Yeah, no.

I'm not hungry.

I'll be fine.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that?

Do you know how long it will be until someone...can get me off here?

Lucia Morelli?

Yeah, I think. Yeah.

Why?

Can we come in?

Yeah, sure.

It's your parents, Lucia,

they were involved in a car accident this evening

and have, unfortunately...

..passed on.

Well, do you know if they're all right, or...?

Well, they are dead,

but, yeah.

Look, I know this is extremely hard to take in right now

so you let us if there's anyone we can call.

Well, I would say Mum and Dad usually...

Mm-hm.

..but... Yeah.

There was one thing salvageable from the crash.

Do you think it's too soon to eat this?

Chi!

Chi!

Did my sister even want her ashes spread in the sea?

Well, you know it's not your sister's ashes in there, don't you?

They harvest bits and bobs pieces of body parts all the time.

Stop it, Dave! Sorry for your loss. Thank you.

Right, where are the urns?

Why is there only one?

I blended them together cos it's easier to carry.

You blended them?

What was in there?

Look, can you just stop it?

Right, just promise me that, when I'm dead, you just burn me

on the spot before the elites get to me.

Can we just get on with this, please, I'm freezing.

I've already done it.

They look so peaceful.

There's a bit more... No, no. Right, I'm going.

Do you know they actually weren't in those urns?

No, just don't do that. Who was, then?

You're asking the wrong questions, Chi. Oh.

All I'm saying is, you haven't

necessarily seen the last of your parents' faces.

What do you mean?

Well, their parts will be reused.

Well, that's quite nice in a way. Yeah. It's like recycling.

A little bit sustainable, innit? Yeah. Yeah.

Can I just read the will now? Yes, do, please.

"By the time anyone hears this, hopefully I'll be dead." Correct.

"To my husband, Tony, if you're listening to this,

"then congrats, you lasted longer than I expected." Incorrect.

They went at the same time. Same time.

"Assuming he is dead too, the house goes to my daughter Lucia...

For fuck sake. .."on the condition

"that she completes the list of things I've written down."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How come she has

to do the things that you've written down?

Do you understand what wills are?

I'm reading this... These are her mother's words.

Were you reading in my mum's voice?

Cos she didn't sound like that. No, she didn't.

She had a much higher voice than that. Yeah. Didn't she?

I'm not...

You did a better impression of her than he just did.

No offence. No, what's...what's on the list, please?

Some basic stuff. Stuff like,

"learn how to tell the time, get one GCSE."

There's also a note saying

"I know you're probably mid-forties so this doesn't apply to you,

"but I worried you wouldn't make anything of your life."

Is that it? Is... I mean.

Uh, also, "the Nutri-Bullet goes to my brother-in-law Dave

"and if Karen's alive, she can have the rug."

Come to papa.

I...I bought her that rug!

OK.

It's that. It's a nice rug.

So is everything here up for grabs, then?

Like, can I have that plant?

No. That's my plant.

Can he have that plant? No.

I do want to ask, your honour, but...

You don't have to call me that. ..did I get anything?

Why would you get anything? Why would you...?

Why would he get anything, Dave?

No, you're not my son.

You're not a part of my family,

I mean, you're barely part of my family. Oh.

I just wanted a little something.

All right. Well, I'll let you know when I'm home safe.

I just, before I go, just want to say what...

..like, speaking from my heart, it will be better for all of us

if I just move in with you, don't you think?

Yeah. No, absolutely not. No.

No, you're 21 years old. That's ridiculous.

Well, in cat years, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, cat years, that's

one year to every seven years

which would make you...462.

Oh, well she's well too old to live alone.

That's my childhood home, Dave.

Yeah, I get it, who wouldn't want to live in their childhood home?

Exactly. No. no, I don't want to live in it, I want to sell it.

No, I can't do anything with it cos it's been lived in

by, you know, all due respect,

a complete fucking idiot.

# ..play that song so loud? Because we want to... #

SHE SIGHS

Yeah.

I'm just letting you know I'm home safe. So...

Uh, just drive, Dave. Drive.

Auntie Karen.

Aun...Auntie Karen.

THUD!

MUSIC: Everywhere by Fleetwood Mac

# Calling out your name

# Calling out your name

# Can you hear me calling out your name?

# You know that I'm falling and I don't know what to say

# I'll speak a little louder

# I'll even shout... #

Lucas, you actually like Chi, don't you?

Yeah, she's fab. Yeah.

Can you spy on her for me?

Yeah, sure, right. No, like, now.

Go there now and just make sure she doesn't do anything weird.

Yeah, all right, Mum. Karen.

It's that way. Sorry, yeah.

Sorry, Karen. Idiot.

VACUUM CLEANER HUMS

Hey. Oh, sorry you losed your parents.

This is a joke. When are you going to stock the shelves again?

I know, have some respect she's grieving.

But when are you going to fill the

shelves again just because we're starving?

What's that your throwing? Just a cheese ball.

Yeah. It went out of date in 2001.

Oh. No, don't eat it.

It doesn't smell like cheese. No, no, no, wait, wait.

She'll be back.

SHE EXHALES SHARPLY

"How to steal dead sister's house."

Oh, what you looking at? Um...

..porn.

OK, um, after you've finished,

can I use the computer?

I need to upload my Clubcard points.

That's fine, yeah.

What were you watching?

It's none of my business. OK, see you later.

Yeah. That's better.

You still haven't started it, then?

Oh, hey, guys.

Why does Dad have a mullet?

Sorry. Is that really the only weird thing about this to you?

You want to get off your arse and stop being bone idle.

You can't be a stay-at-home-daughter forever, you...

..you've got to go out and live life.

You look like Billy Ray Cyrus, Dad.

Do I? No, you don't. Well, she said.

Yeah, but she's lying. And that was unprompted.

Look, read a book, hmm?

Try new things.

Get out of bloody Kent.

Learn to drive. Yeah, learn to drive.

Learn to drive?

But isn't that a bit awkward because you just died in a car crash?

Well, I didn't pay £40 for you to have a provisional license

for no reason, did I?

Sh! I'm watching EastEnders!

God, is Nan here, too? I didn't see her.

Yeah, she's here. Always.

PARENTS: Learn to drive.

Learn to drive.

Learn to drive.

Ooh, Tony.

Learn to drive.

Learn to drive. I...

I can see you guys, by the way.

It's actually quite a small table. Yes, there's not enough...

Just...learn to drive. ..to drive.

Learn to drive.

Thanks for the house, by the way.

Learn to drive.

And pay particular attention to braking distances.

MUSIC: Take On Me by A-ha

Excuse me, do you know if you're a driving instructor?

Do you know how to drive?

Is that a learner driver? It is, innit?

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's she doing? Are you all right? Nice one. Yeah.

You OK? Oh, perfect. Hold on.

Oh, great.

So what happens now?

Well, I'm...

I'm currently in the middle of a lesson.

It was... I think it was just right here in the road

where my mum and dad died in a car crash.

Oh. They got completely smashed.

And I was just sat at home

not knowing I was about to become an orphan like Annie.

From Annie.

I'm sorry about that. Thank you.

Um. I... I'm a bit confused.

Do you...do you have a booking?

Oh, no, it's fine, I can just wait.

Don't worry. You carry on. Pretend I'm not here.

You don't mind, do you?

Um, well, no. No, he doesn't mind.

So, where are we going?

Excuse me, do you not think...

Right around the roundabout and then go back up...

..maybe put on... ..up the hill. ..Heart Radio?

In third. Just cos it's Amanda Holden on today.

Chi. Where are you, Chi?

Oh, brilliant. Chi?

I'm bored.

No, no, don't do that.

Don't touch anything.

SHE SLURPS

And well done on going through the drive-through, too.

I've never asked that of someone on a second lesson before.

Yeah, thanks for that. Yeah, really appreciate.

And next week we will focus on T-junctions, how exciting!

And, oh, don't forget the six-point check.

I know that one.

There's Anne Boleyn, Katherine Seymour and...

No, no, no, it's something... Well done, by the way. Well done.

Yeah, very well done, very well done. Great, incredible.

Difficult circumstances. Yeah.

Honestly, I think he's ready for his test.

He gave me goose bumps with how great he was at driving.

Anyway, do you want to get in the back, just cos it's my turn now?

Uh, well, no, you...

..you'll need to get in the front, but... OK.

You have to sign up with one of my forms first.

Oh, that's fine. I should have some... That's fine, yeah.

..in here, actually, with a little bit of luck. I've got a pen.

I can't seem to find any of my forms here.

I must have left them at home.

Oh, my wife's going to kill me.

Anyway, why don't we just nip round yours and get the rest of the forms?

Yeah. No, that...that would be incredibly unprofessional,

there's absolutely...

Yeah...

So what first attracted you to Gary, then, Hel?

This... Sorry.

Tight knees and... Who are you?

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, uh... I'll get that.

I didn't catch your name. She's my step cousin.

She just wants to hang out, that's all.

Cousin? Gary! Who is this girl?

You all right? Hey. So why here?

I just thought we could hang out at my new driving instructor's house.

Oh, yeah, great, of course.

Yeah, it's a nice letterbox, isn't it? Mm.

I love the design and the way you can, like, put letters through it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, would you say this colour's white or off-white? Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no.

Oh by the way, how's the house doing?

It is, like, still there, right?

What, the one I won? Yeah.

I think so, yeah.

So you haven't, like, spoke to any estate agent

because it's in a desirable area or, you know, put it on the market?

No, it's not on the market.

Oh. Karen's going to be pleased.

Oh, God. I really love her.

Yeah, she's great.

Who is she?! How is this spending quality time together?

I don't know any more than you do.

You can't go picking up young girls off the street, Gary.

I didn't pick her up! Is this about Alison?

She picked me up! We need to talk... What do you mean, she picked you up?

Be honest with me, Gary.

Are you a paedophile? No!

Look, I'm your wife...husband, Helen.

This is Lucas. Oh, hello, nice to meet you.

Such a lovely family and...

Yes, shall I take my shoes off?

Yes! Nah, don't worry about it. Right.

So what you two doing here, then?

Um, we've...

Well, we live here.

It's our....it's our house.

Oh, cool.

The thing is, Hel, Gary has come

into my life at almost the exact perfect time,

you know, and, um, I feel like my

parents almost live on through you.

Oh. So sorry again for your loss again.

Thank you.

It almost feels like fate to me.

I don't know if it feels like that for you. Ooh! Who's this, then?

She's absolutely stunning and sexy.

Oh. Thank you.

That's...that's our daughter. Alison.

She's, um...

..currently at military camp in Gibraltar.

Gary, stop right now.

I can't, I just miss her so much. Gary!

Sorry.

Get it together, Gary, you're embarrassing yourself.

You're such a prick.

Hey, can I play, please?

It's not my ball, ask Alison.

Hey, can I play?

No. You look like Anne Frank.

Alison.

Phillip Schofield. A complete Lizard.

PHONE BEEPS Ooh! It's ready

Yeah, just... I can't stop thinking about all the different ways

she could destroy that house.

Yeah, I know she seems harmless, like, you know, there's

nothing's going behind the eyes, but I bet you she's plotting.

What does it say? It's just the story of my life, isn't it?

You know, didn't get the house when Mum and Dad died

and now my sister's dead, still haven't got the house.

What did I get? I got a rug.

Does it say anything? I got a... I got a rug, Dave. I got a rug.

Hmm. Maybe I could wee on it,

It's the 2020s.

Right, what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Pronouns.

"Pronouns"?

He, she, they, him.

I know what pronouns are, Dave.

That. Go for it, go for it.

Knock yourself out. Go on.

Save you getting up in the night, won't it? Go on, off you go.

Driving's great, innit? It's so much fun. Oh.

Oh, God, I'm so stressed.

Gear two.

Why, though? We're having the best time, you know.

Just...I'm so lonely. Gear three. ..at home.

I miss Alison being there.

Well, have you ever thought about just forgetting about her?

Yeah? I don't know. I just think you drive

a Ford Kia Hatchback Hyundai 2006.

You don't have to put up with any shit from a woman.

Oh, I don't know, I'm not sure.

So you tell your wife that no-one tells Gary what to do.

What are you doing? That she has... PHONE RINGS

No, no! ..absolutely no rights.

No, look... No?

No, I... Gary?

Oh. Hello, love. How's your...?

What do you want?

Um... You're phoning her to tell her

that you're sick of the way she talks to you. Gary?

Oh, yeah, I'm phoning you to tell you that I've had

enough of the way you talk to me. What?

And I'm not happy Alison is in the army...

And I'm not happy that Alison is in the army.

That she should get a proper job.

And I think she should get a proper job instead.

Gary, who is that on the phone with you? Who?

Tell me it's not that girl again. No, no, no, no.

At least let it be a prostitute or something. I couldn't help it.

She tol... Gear two.

It's not going in this, I don't know why you came yet.

No, no, that's not a gear, that's my knee. Oh, my God.

Helen, no. No, it's not... PHONE CLICKS

I think that went really well, to be honest.

I have to save my family.

I could be your family.

Hey, wait here.

Or over here.

No, I'm joking, I make the rules, yeah.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

Sorry, I'm late. Oh, hello.

So why am I here, then?

Well, I need to see my lawyer.

Oh. I'd love to have a lawyer. Yeah, same. They're sick.

What are you doing here?

Well, you know the list you gave me?

I've learnt to drive. Yay!

Right, you don't need to keep me updated with all your movements.

But you're her lawyer. Yeah. So...

What else would I do? Yeah.

You gave me a house the other day. Yeah, that's a big gesture.

I thought... No, it's in the will. One minute, you're giving her

a house, the next minute you don't want to see her,

it's mixed signals somewhere.

There's absolutely no reason for us to see each other again.

I guess I just update you every five to six things I check off.

Yeah, that makes sense. No, no, this isn't a thing.

Hmm, right.

OK. Well, I'll see you soon, then. No.

Yeah, see you in a bit, mate.

No, not you.

That's... But me?

No, neither of you, you don't need to come in again.

Well, nice to see you. Lovely to see you.

Until next time. Well, no, there isn't... Why would you come?

No, there's no next time. After you, madame. After you.

Thank you.

BOTH: Take it off! Take it off! Take it...

Oh.

Tess Daly. Didn't think...

I really didn't think it was going to be her. No.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, Ron.

You all right? It's Gary. Right.

Uh, do you want to come in? Yeah. Can I come in?

Do you want a cup of tea? Ooh, yes, please.

It's just through here.

Oh. All right, Ron?

It's Gary. Nice.

My wife said she needed space away from me.

I'm too dreadful, apparently. You're joking.

That's so weird cos my auntie's been

saying stuff like that recently about me.

Mm, we're not well-liked.

I know, it's like the nightmares.

But you can always stay here just

until, you know, your wife lets you back.

Oh. That's very kind of you. Yeah.

If, you know, drive me round everywhere in your car.

And I can also throw in my parents' clothes cos obviously they're...

..they're dead so probably won't use them. Mm.

What...what sort of size are we talking about?

Well, my mum was kind of...

No, I was thinking more like your dad. Yeah, course. Yeah.

Dave! Yeah?

Well, it's baby-making time.

Come on. What?

Really?

I'm just really knackered.

I mean, it's a...

I know, can you just fit me in another day? No.

No, I haven't got any days during the week, I'm flat-out.

I've told you. It's now or never again. Come on.

All right.

Oh, I'm sorry!

RINGTONE I just have to take this.

Hi, I'm in an appointment.

What do you want?

Oh, hey, it's just a quick one.

I just wondered where we put all of Dad's clothes

cos I'm going to donate them to my new flatmate.

What do you mean "flatmate"?

No, I've told you, Lucas is not moving in there

if you're referring to him.

God, no, it's my driving instructor.

He lives with me now. It's a long story, but his wife kicked him out

because she thought was a paedophile and then...

Excuse me, did you just...did you just use the word "paedophile"?

Yeah, don't worry about that, that's just an accusation.

Well, OK, no! What is going on, Chi?

Who...who have you let in the house, OK? What...

I mean, what does he look like?

Well, he's bent over right now. Oh, my God.

OK, Chi get him out of the house now.

Love you, bye. Yeah, Ch...

Oh, my God. We need to go.

Put your pants back on.

Well, do we see if he's a paedophile after this? No, no.

Get your pants on, we're going. OK?

HE SIGHS

It tickles.

GIGGLING

OK, stop it! Gary, stop it!

You're not going to fit in there, Gary.

Hello. Oh, you come to join us, Karen?

It's, uh... What the fuck is going on here?

Oh, it's not what it seems.

You are a pervert and you need to get out this house right now.

Right now. I've got nowhere to go.

I don't care you've got nowhere to go.

You're not staying here in my house. Get him out, please. No, no, no.

Will you send me those photos? No, no.

No-one's sending anyone any pictures. Get him out, please, now.

I'm not a paedophile. Yeah, I know.

Karen, so Chi has taken in her homeless driving instructor.

Yeah, thanks, Lucas.

I know it looks a bit weird but... Yeah. We was playing Twister.

It's all it was. Twister's a good game.

Yeah, it's a great game.

What are you doing now? It's my list.

What are you doing? Give me that, please.

Why have you ticked that off?

Why have you ticked off "learn how to drive"?

You did the opposite of learning how to drive.

You...you took a driving instructor out of his car

and you put him here in my house.

And when...when have you "taken in a person in need" exactly?

That, it was Gary, but you just kicked him out. No, no.

He wasn't in need, was he? He was!

The only thing he's in need of is a prison cell

cos you were the one that told me that was a paedophile. No!

Just so you know, he said he wasn't a paedophile.

Yeah, of course he said he wasn't a paedophile.

He doesn't even look like a paedophile.

But if he ever comes here again,

you do not open the door to him, do you understand me?

Well, you have to take the spare key off him, then, because...

What? Why has he got the spare key?

He was going to stay here for a while. His wife kicked him out.

You need to go and get the spare key off him right now. Right, OK. OK.

Let's go and get some paedo, come on. Right now.

Paedophile squad, here we go.

We've got hunches. Nee-naw! Nee-naw!

Why is there scribbling at the bottom? What does this mean?

"Go to McDonald's, go up to the counter

"and ask where the nearest McDonalds is"?

I wrote that cos it's... Why have you written that on there?

It's just something I've always wanted to do. This is ridiculous.

You're adding stuff to your own list, are you? Yeah.

OK. Well, I'll add one.

Go to college, get a job and buy your own house.

Here. No, I don't need a pen. You can write it down. OK.

You do that and then I won't have to deal with any more of your...

How do you spell "college"?

What is that?

Oh, I drew art as well.

No, what...what is that?

That's us. I drew it.

You drew us on the wall.

Together, yeah. We're holding hands.

Fuck sake.

# Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road

# I'm gonna ride till I can't no more

# I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road

# I'm gonna ride till I can't no more

# I got the horses in the back

# Horse tack is attached

# Hat is matte black

# Got the boots that's black to match

# Riding on a horse, ha

# You can whip your Porsche

# I been in the valley

# You ain't been up off the porch, now

# Can't nobody tell me nothing

# You can't tell me nothing

# Can't nobody tell me nothing

# You can't tell me nothing. #