Original subtitles

If you've come this far, then you're clearly in the market for a strange and

wonderful story.

And if I may, I have just such the tale for you.

This particular story begins on a dark and stormy, yet seemingly

normal night.

Janet, what's wrong, my dear?

Nothing, darling.

I know that face.

And that's not your face, but happy new bride.

Really, it's nothing.

I'm fine.

Damn it, Janet, what's wrong?

What's wrong, my dear?

Do you ever think about having sex with just one person for the rest of your

life?

Dammit, Janet, I love you.

I love you too, Brad, but... Listen.

It's perfectly normal to have doubt.

It is? Of course.

I've had second thoughts myself.

Do you have?

Come here.

Let's put these wedding bell blues to rest.

Right here in the car?

It's okay.

Sure, quickly.

You're a very good teacher, man.

Do you like that?

I love it.

I think I do too.

Because that's a good joke.

I think I'm going on.

Occupied with personal perplexity, these nuptial newcomers knew nothing of how

this night would leave the nether region of their memories.

Ah,

that's strange.

Do you know where we are?

We are in the middle of nowhere in 500 yards.

What the heck?

Is it broken?

It's brand new.

Can we turn around?

We've been driving for miles.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

You will be locked in 200 feet.

Goodbye. What are we going to do?

I guess we can call it again and ask the guest keeper for directions.

I'll go to get help.

No, it's raining cats. I've got some dogs out there. You can't leave me here

alone.

Well, the guy on the motorcycle must be going up somewhere.

Shall we, Miss Majors?

See that?

This place is spooky.

Well, we'll just go inside and use the phone and we'll be on our way, okay?

You must be from the agency.

Come in.

Come in.

Yes.

You all do nicely.

Makeup's down the hall and catering's in the cellar.

There must be some other estate.

We're just a little lost.

My name's Brad, and this is my wife, Janet.

Everyone's always lost.

Or late.

Or something.

No matter.

Let's get you out of these soaking wet clothes and costume.

Follow me.

Costume? No, no, no. We're just looking for some directions.

Did someone say erection?

I most certainly did not.

And I would appreciate it if you didn't use such language in front of my wife.

Well, aren't you just the sweetest little thing?

Like a caramel apple at the fair.

Which would make you the wiggly little worm inside.

Now follow me.

I don't think I like that fellow.

He said we were sweet.

No.

He said you were sweet.

He called me a worm.

Come along.

We don't want to keep the master waiting.

And if he would be so kind.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

All I need is some direction.

Then direction's what you'll receive.

No, you... What?

The lawyers won't let us do that, sir.

What if I change the words around a little?

No go, Joe.

Lawyers.

Enfante. That'll be quite enough of that.

Well, well, well.

Look at this cutie patootie.

Oh, yes. And check out the package on this one.

Look,

I don't know who you are or who you think we are, but we're normal.

You, perhaps.

But she, she is anything but normal.

She is what we in the biz like to call a natural.

A star waiting to be discovered. Just waiting to explode in a jizz biz.

I can see it now.

Really?

Absolutely.

And what might your name be?

Janet.

Janet. Janet.

Janet.

Excellent.

We have a winner.

It's brilliant.

Simply brilliant.

Let's get down to business, shall we? There'll be no getting down to business.

But honey, he said I'm a natural.

Indeed you are, Janet Schmanet.

But have it your way.

Perhaps it's best you just watch and learn.

Places, everyone!

Makeup.

Mona. Lisa.

What would I do without you, my little powder pops?

Picture perfect.

You're so buff.

And you are a guts and kisses.

All right, my little lovelies.

Give me all you've got.

Lights. Camera.

Action!

They're making a pornographic movie.

Yes, we are.

That's what I want.

Suck on the nipples of euphoria!

Vagina plays rock with pussy.

Just stick your fingers in there.

My pussy's so wet.

I want to lick your pussy.

You do.

Do it.

I like your fingers in me.

I like your fingers with me because you can stick them all in me.

Yes, the four fingers up inside me.

I am the vagina after all.

Oh, yes.

You go at that fucking dildo and we... We attorney bitch.

Do it. Oh, euphoria.

Get cleaned up and ready for the next scene.

Oh,

excuse my inappropriate indulgence.

So as you can see, Brandon and Janet had just experienced...

their flirtation with the filming of fornication, and like myself,

they've been taken in by the spectacle of it all.

They had been initiated into the world of pornography, a world filled with fun,

flesh, and filth, a world few have ever

escaped from.

Would our young lovers be able to extricate themselves from their X -rated

excursion?

Only time would tell.

And things were just about to get exciting.

Welcome, my darlings.

Good night.

I've become mother and father to genetic genius.

Tonight, I give birth to pure perfection itself.

Prepare for the next generation in porn superstars.

Mona, Lisa.

She's ready, master.

Friends, guests, uninvited visitors, and of course, check with

him.

May I present...

The epitome of fantastic perfection personified.

I give you... Rocky!

as delicious as that would be.

It's not quite time for that yet.

Baby steps, my precious.

Behold!

Rocky!

A simple young girl

with 32 A's.

What?

What?

The lawyers won't let us do that, so remember.

Oh.

I hate lawyers.

Come here, my darling.

Come here. It's okay. I won't bite.

Another gift from the heavens.

A breath of heavenly perfection on my right.

Mankind's beautilicious skill on my left.

What's a girl to do?

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You seem like you're the man in charge. The, uh, the big cheese.

The, uh... The boss.

Well, yes, I am.

What can I do for you, Bradley?

Well, as I've already stated, I need to use the phone.

It's a simple request that shouldn't cause such a... Bradley, so forceful.

You've given me goosebumps.

I'd just love to help, but as fate would have it, all lines are down.

It must be the weather.

But don't fret.

You can stay the night.

I'm sure we can accommodate you.

I am not spending my wedding night sleeping in a car.

Do you understand?

Yes, dear.

Then smile your biggest smile and say thank you.

Seems like we're... Excellent!

Vagina!

Take them upstairs and show them the boudoir.

Make sure they're all...

Comfy cozy?

Of course.

I may even tell them a bedtime story.

Yay, bedtime stories.

Oh, Janet Schmanet, do I have plans for you.

Freddy, baby, what's cooking my hunk of burning love?

You are, baby.

How's my hottie patottie?

Hot and horny and in the mood for a little sex.

Oh, that's what I love about you.

Always in the mood. Have it your way.

What are you, nuts?

You want Frankie to come down here and give you a four?

But you said... I said I was in the mood for a little sex, not sex.

Anything for you.

This ain't quite as easy as you might think.

Hurry up.

A little help here, huh?

Come on, big boy. Come to mama.

I love them ears.

Oh baby, that was worth the drive.

Get them. I just shaved them new for you.

Spoiler ball.

No, I like it.

Why don't you let me take you away from all this? You don't need to be doing...

Freddy, stop it.

We've been over this a million times.

I love you, but I love porn too.

You gotta love me or leave me.

You're better than that.

Come on, you. Come with me. Leave all this behind you.

happened to the girls that rock the kind of lovely laughs but

nowadays when we go to kiss the only taste i'll get

on my lips is fish not to be a whiner but when you got

me i don't need vagina and nothing could

to chill and once again it looked like i got my pill but i thought i could see

up on the screen for the world to see me scream nothing

good

I thought we had an understanding. Boyfriends are simply not allowed.

No, Freddie, no way. What you do in your personal life is up to you.

I don't want that kind of riff -raff on my set.

Riff -raff?

I ain't no riff -raff.

Come on, it's go time.

Indeed it is.

Prepare for the licking of your life. It's time to cut the chase.

such a drama queen. It's not like it ever would have worked out between you

But I loved him.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Perhaps a kiss goodbye?

And so the evening took a turn for the worst, at least for Freddy.

And we had seen our first casualty, but would it be our last?

One thing's for sure, it would be the catalyst that would set forth a chain

of chilling events.

Minor mishap.

Minor mishap? You cut the guy's head right off!

The boy is a little overexcited.

I simply employed a few scare tactics to get rid of Freddy.

Unfortunately, he didn't scare it easy.

No! No!

You're lying!

Vagina, if you would... Come, darling, come.

Girls, much ado about nothing.

Must be that time of the month.

Speaking of, time to go pray.

Oops, I meant pay. A visit to a certain virginous visitor.

Who's there?

You're one and only.

Brad! I couldn't stand the separate bedrooms to be away from you.

I know.

I thought the separate bedroom thing was a little bit odd.

No matter.

We're together now.

What have you done with Brad?

Nothing. But the night's still young.

Do you think he'd bend for a friend?

What? Nothing.

I don't care about Brad. I just want you.

And unless I'm mistaken, I sense you want me too.

You've got a wicked curiosity about you that someone like Brad will never

understand.

No, but Brad is a good person.

He...

Loves me very much.

We're soulmates.

Love? Who's talking about love?

No, I'm talking more carnal forces.

Temptation, desire, lust, sin.

Oh, the flesh.

Wondering about my impending manhood, are we?

I can guarantee that is...

Faction.

No, I... I just couldn't.

Janet, I can give you a life of fulfillment you never dreamed possible.

Constant adventure, experimentation.

Your every sexual fantasy will be fulfilled.

Along with a few of my own.

I'm horrible.

With a W.

Who are you?

No, wait!

I'm married!

This is my honeymoon!

What am I doing?

Oh, Janet, you're an old -fashioned kind of gal. I like that.

If you're really so concerned about your matrimonials, let me assure you my lips

are sealed.

Except when they're darting in and out of your every orifice, of course.

Let's go. Oh no.

Nice!

Oh!

Creature of the night.

Oh, yeah.

Take it, Janice. Take it.

Don't do me.

I'll make you a star.

I'm gonna cum.

Janet, normally I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated.

But you're special.

I've got other plans for you. I don't want to wear you out prematurely.

See you soon.

I just love being the boss.

Desire. A wish or longing for, a craving or wanting, as for

something that brings satisfaction, a sexual appetite or urge.

Janet had surely succumbed to such desires.

She had drank.

from the deep, dark well of lust, and it was safe to say that her thirst had yet

to be quenched. This could only spell trouble for our new groom.

Thankfully for Janet, Brad had his own set of unsettling circumstances

to deal with.

More red.

Definitely more red.

Adorable. You're just so cute.

Good enough to sit on.

You first.

No, you first.

You sure it's not too much?

It's never too much.

You promise no one's gonna find out about them?

We promise.

You go. You go. You go. You go.

You go.

You need to see.

Ha ha ha ha!

Please do.

My turn.

Give me some of that, Mona.

I'm gonna spit on that fucking dick if I'm coming in.

Bank it.

Bank it man.

Yeah.

What do we have here?

Bradley, you naughty little boy.

Oh, Brad.

I didn't know you had it in you.

oh my god

Okay.

Oh, baby.

What is the meaning of this?

I, I, I, um.

I'm just fucking with you, Brad.

I know Mona and Lisa are hard to say no to.

Simply irresistible.

Are they not?

Uh, yes.

Ladies, why don't you go fix up your faces?

Brad and I need a little alone time.

Mono a mono.

I'm guessing you had fun.

I'm quite familiar with our tandem skills.

A sight to behold, wouldn't you say?

Um, yes.

Relax, Bradley.

Your little secret's safe with me.

I don't think there's any need to tell Janet about your little indiscretion.

no, no, no. Um,

it was just a little, uh... Oh, come now, Bradley. It didn't look that little

me.

And now that we're alone... Can I be perfectly honest with you?

Uh... Sure.

I don't know what kind of man you think I am, but I'm definitely not that

kind. Oh, Bradley, I think that was protest too much.

But if you're a little shy, we can always make arrangements.

This isn't really my, uh... Don't fight it. Just relax and enjoy the show.

What about...

What about Jamie?

Oh, Bradley.

Don't worry. Your little secret's safe with me.

You promise?

Cross my heart and hope to.

Oh. Oh, my.

How impressive.

Such massive manhood. Lucky Janet.

Lucky me.

Director.

Director.

What is it?

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Oh, get on with it. You're spoiling the mood. We have a bit of a situation.

Rocky is running amok.

And there's a T .P. Scott here to interview you.

And we're all too venomous.

The T .P. Scott?

You know...

Now the mood's officially ruined.

Actually,

I'm quite hungry, so I think I'm just going to go. Fine.

Leave me in my hour of need.

How about a range? Okay.

So close.

And so Janet had been fooled by Frankenbean's trickery.

A scenario she... seemingly would have shunned on a simpler night.

But what about Brad?

He too had come dangerously close to sharing a bed with our

mischievous hosts.

Now they both had skeletons in their closet.

Would Frank let the cat out of the bag?

Was a big brouhaha on the horizon?

And were there more unforeseen indiscretions yet to come?

And what, if anything, was for dessert?

Would anyone like to say grace?

Grace.

Guess I should have seen that coming. Anyway, I'd like to welcome you to our

little feast of the flesh.

Oh, just a figure of speech, darlings. Nothing to worry about.

Anyway, a toast.

Ooh. A toast.

Good help is so hard to find these days.

To our lovely guests, Brad and Janet.

Our scrumptious new starlet, Rocky.

And to our newest addition, Dr. T .P. Scott.

Good day, Scott.

Does everyone like their beverage?

I squeezed it myself.

That's it, my girl.

Drink it all down. Good to the very last drop.

So, you consider this your masterpiece, Mr. Bean?

Take a look around you, Mr. Scott. Look at the very talent I'm surrounded by.

With such perfection at my disposal, I'm sure you'll agree there's no question

of this film's epic status.

I suppose you have sufficient material to write a fine, tingling story, Dr.

Scott? Yes.

Yes, indeed.

Don Cachet.

I might snap some photos, if I may.

Oh, by all means.

But first, I have a query.

I understand you and Brad are acquainted?

Yes, for many years now.

Quite a coinkydink.

And how do I know you're not both part of some right -wing wacko anti

-pornography group?

Or some meddling government sect here?

sent a spy on me and an attempt to shut me and all of adult entertainment down!

I'm going to have to cut this interview short.

I'm afraid I have lost my appetite.

And you'll never guess what's in the Bernays!

I thought they'd never leave.

Tell me, are you hungry?

Finished.

Then how about a little desider?

Yes, yes, yes. Follow it down.

Follow it down.

Yes.

Yes.

I can't enjoy anything.

Stuff all the way inside me.

Come here.

Oh,

yes. What are you hiding from me, stupid?

You know your vagina will always find them.

I want to see it.

Can I play with you? Can I?

of my staff.

Look at that bit all over my face.

I'm a dirty girl.

Don't tease me.

Dirty, dirty, stiff, stout. You deserve to be fucked.

Oh,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes.

Take it. Show it to

him.

Make it a fucking ticket.

You've got a hidden talent in your past.

I love this.

I love this. Jeez me.

Jeez me.

How deep I can go.

Scott had sent the entire household into a bit of a tizzy.

And after a rather abrupt end to dinner, Frankenbeans, along with the other

guests, had scattered throughout the house.

Everyone was starting to show signs of increased frustration, both

mentally and sexually.

It would seem obvious to all concerned that tensions were nearing their boiling

point. The shit was about to hit the proverbial fan.

Thank goodness we were well prepared.

Fancy seeing you here. I hear Frankie's trying to talk you into taking the

plunge. Your first scene.

You think you got it in you?

Oh, not yet.

But very soon, she'll have it all the way in her.

I don't know about all that.

Oh, poor baby.

We didn't mean any harm.

Yeah, we were having some fun, that's all.

Sweet thing.

A girl's first scene is a very special time. A moment that will be burned in

brain for a -

It's like... The room's too hot.

Or the room's too cold.

But your man's talent's way too old. Or the bed is too soft.

The bed's too wide.

Or he slobbers like a St.

Bernard.

Speaking of soft, that's the word. His dick is too limp.

His dick is too small. Oh, just lay back.

I have done it plenty of times. Oh, come, come now, darling.

Don't be silly.

It's written all over your face.

The virginous glow has barely faded from your rosy cheeks.

I just want a little peck in my life.

Is that too much to ask?

Then will you settle for a body quivering, earth shattering, mind

Overwhelmed and unsatisfied with Euphoria and Vagina's take on the topic,

went out in search of a less jaded perspective on the matter.

And as luck would find it, she found a certain someone who herself was getting

ready to do the deed.

What can't be all that bad?

I don't understand.

This isn't me.

This isn't what I'm supposed to be.

Well, I think you're beautiful.

Thanks. But what I really want...

It's okay. You can tell me.

Tonight has been a night of revelations.

What I really want is to direct.

Really?

I never wanted to be a star.

I never asked for him to do this to me.

Well then, why did you?

I just wanted people to notice me.

To like me.

They do.

But, no, I don't know if they like me for me or for these.

I like you. I mean, I really, really like you. And I

hardly even notice them.

Really?

Yeah.

You want to touch them, don't you?

Oh, God, yes. Can I?

Yes.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Oh, my.

They're so big.

And warm.

And soft.

I was fit.

Shh.

But I have a song.

I don't care about this stupid song.

Let's just fuck.

Film it.

Excellent. To the camera, Minion!

By all means, ladies.

Continue your trip.

Pretend we're not even here.

And... Action!

Rocky, baby.

Strap on action.

What position would you like?

Doggy. Mesh.

Spoon. Pumptriver.

Cowgirl. Doggy. Mesh. Spoon. Pumptriver.

Cowgirl. Doggy. Mesh.

Spoon. Pumptriver.

Cowgirl. Doggy. Mesh. Spoon. Pumptriver.

Cowgirl. What's going on here?

Brown. Janet.

Brown. Janet.

We already did that gag.

Let's move on, shall we?

Bradley, lust is indeed a powerful drug.

And once taken, addiction is imminent.

Let her do what she was born for.

But she's my wife.

And as such, I'm sure she'd be interested in a little tail, one of a

strapping young man, and a certain pair of pocket -sized gymnasts.

If you get my meaning, you can.

You said you would take a secret to your grave. I did.

And I'm dying to tell.

Hey, don't make me out to be the asshole here.

But she will be fairly well compensated for her time.

How much we talking here?

Really?

Doggy. Definitely doggy.

Really?

Yes, it's always been a favorite of mine.

And you're sure you're okay with this?

Yes.

Absolutely. Open wide.

Show me what you got, honey.

Okay.

Let me give you all I've got.

Way to go,

honey.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Greatest girl -girl scenes of all time.

I can assure you, I'm looking at two future Hall of Famers.

And who will you be making the check out to?

Oh, look at you, Bradley.

A little suitcase pimp in the making.

This night is magical indeed.

Come, come, everyone.

We're on the wrong set.

It's a shame he so easily forgets those who have stood by him for so long.

You know it, mister.

Frankenbeans, it seems, was rubbing certain individuals the wrong way.

There was a growing dissension among his tireless cast and crew.

Was a mutiny right around the corner?

Had they reached their breaking point?

Only time would tell.

But like any average low -budget movie, there must be a villain and a big

climatic ending. And as cliche as it was, this night would have

both.

Everyone, shut up!

Sit down!

What in blazes, man?

I said shut up. You have mistreated your cast, your crew, and myself for far

too long.

And now we've had about enough of it.

Yeah, we've had enough of it.

I am with them.

Unless, of course, you have a part for me in your next film.

I am with them.

Indeed. Hands in the air.

Have you lost your senses?

Have you forgotten who I am?

Oh, how could I forget? You remind me daily.

Tell me, Brad and Janet.

Have you heard of Master Frank and Beans before this night?

Precisely. For many years I have stood by and watched you ruin movie after

movie.

Flushing not only your career down the toilet, but ours as well.

Not now.

I could have been a director.

One of the great.

Me, me, me.

I think that you shall have your chance.

You are just stereotypical enough to do very well.

Besides, they love.

Female directors.

Especially ones with big tits.

Bitter. Table for one.

Shut up!

Not that I haven't had my offers from the biggest and the best.

But no.

I remained loyal.

And look where it's gotten me.

I will not stand by.

what you mangle yet another great script penned by yours truly.

Thank you very much.

Now I fear that it is time for your grand finale.

A finale you shall receive.

Places, everyone.

Stop!

I think you'll forget who has the gun.

the boss.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Place us, everyone.

It's good to be the boss.

Did someone say it's time?

Sister, no.

Remember, the lawyers.

Oh.

Well, let's have an orgy then.

Just like that Rocky.

Sign protection.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

you

Thank you.

Oh yeah.

I don't believe it.

It's a lot.

It's pretty good.

Swallow all my babies.

Take them all down.

And as the evening festivities came to a close, Brad and Janet decided to

get while the getting's good, as they say.

They tiptoed past their plethora of previous partners and headed home.

It had been quite the interesting night.

Well, that was quite a way to start a honeymoon.

Yes, it was.

And just think, a few short hours ago, I was a single girl who had never made

love, never been with a woman, never had anal sex, never had multiple

partners. Honey, I think we get it.

And now, I'm a filthy slut.

And damn it, Janet, that's why I love you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Not so fast, my pretty.

I need to sign these releases.

What?

I think we're going to keep our little escapade on the down low.

So, you're going to have to find yourself another next big thing.

Janet, is that what you really want?

Yes.

I'm afraid it is.

You helped me find my inner whore, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

But... I'm a one -man whore.

I'm Brad's whore.

She's right, Frankie, my boy.

It was fun, but it's just not the life for us.

What about the... Oh, look at the time, by golly. We should go. Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

He won't be needing that anymore.

Oh, dear.

Step on, honey. We got some honeymoon to do.

Oh, Brad, I love the new you.

And I love the new you.

Bye, Brad.

Bye, Janet.

Bye, everyone.

Sorry we're late.

The agency sent us.

Better late than never, I guess.

Are you Frank and Bean?

The one and only.

Did we miss the big climax?

Indeed, you have.

But no matter. We can always squeeze in a couple more.

I just love your hair.

What salon do you go to? And those outfits.

They're to die for.

Come on. Let's get you inside, shall we?

Okay, my naughty little voyeurs.

The show's over.

That's it.

Time to go home.

That's a wrap.

And off the two naughty newlyweds went.

It had been a strange and wonderful night, a night they'd soon

not forget.

Their bond now stronger than ever before, even though their prim and

personas had been shattered.

Thanks to Frankenbean, they had learned a valuable lesson.

A mental mindfuck.

Couldn't be oh so nice.