Original subtitles

♪ When you fall in love, yeah, nothing stays the same ♪

♪ For you anymore ♪

♪ And suddenly another reason you've been living for ♪

♪ Running home she's there to meet ya ♪

♪ Knowing you've got something to plan ♪

♪ Thinking of a world that only lovers understand ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life crazy ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life lazy ♪

♪ Gently, hold onto your heart 'cause everyone must try ♪

♪ Love is, baby, when it's you and I ♪

♪ Every lover knows that everyone's a fool ♪

♪ If you play this game ♪

♪ Finding out together rules don't always mean the same ♪

♪ Walking on a cloud, we've made it ♪

♪ Or lost at sea and looking for land ♪

♪ All these little things that only lovers understand ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life crazy ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life lazy ♪

♪ Gently hold onto your heart 'cause everyone must try ♪

♪ Love is, baby, when it's you and I ♪

♪ Love is everything we're planning ♪

♪ Knowing, understanding ♪

♪ Just you ♪

♪ 'Cause love is ♪

♪ Something that will make life ♪

♪ I said, love is ♪

♪ Something that will make life crazy ♪

- Ah, home at last.

- The way you drive, I was afraid

we were never going to make it.

- Aw.

- Hungry? - Ah, yeah, for you.

- Well, then I'll be right back.

- Ah, move over guys.

Mm.

Hey.

Ignore it.

- Ah.

Oh no.

- Don't go away.

- Hey, tell 'em we're busy.

Better yet, just tell 'em to go away.

- Coming.

Who's there? - Ah, registered letter

for Betty Milton.

Ah, Betty Milton? - Mm.

Where do l sign?

- Oh, of course.

Here's what you have to sign.

Nice handwriting.

- Thank you.

Here. Bye.

- Ah, bye.

- l'm still here.

I didn't go away.

- It's a letter from Spain. - Ole.

- Come on, Philip, be serious.

It looks pretty official.

Registro Civil. What does Registro Civil mean?

- l didn't come here to give you a Spanish lesson.

- Oh, come on. You speak French and ltalian.

- Well, l know what'll really help.

- Mm. - Come on.

- On, stop it, Philip.

- You sure?

Okay, okay.

- I wanna see what's inside.

It's gotta be important.

Hmm.

- Hmm. "To Betty Milton."

- Hmm. - That's you.

That was, that was easy. - What's it say?

- Let's see. "Bettina Carolina de casales y de las flores."

- Who's that?

- Is she one of your relatives?

- I don't know. l've never heard that name before.

- Hmm. "Abogado Cervantes."

Hmm.

"Casa Flores."

- I love it. That Latin talk, it drives me crazy.

What's it mean?

- Oh, from what I can make of it, uh,

(Spanish accent) you have inherited this Casa Flores

from this Contessa

And it's being held in trust

by a lawyer named Cervantes.

- House in Spain? Spain?

- Si, si, senorita.

Ah, but don't get your hopes up.

In Spain, a casa could be anything

from a castle to a rundown shack.

- Hmm. Just what l need.

- So be careful. Check the place out for us.

Talk to the lawyer.

And make sure you don't get stuck in something

you can't get out of.

- It's wonderful. Now, there's something I can get into.

You and me in Spain. Ah, me?

No way. - But you've gotta

come with me, I can't go there alone.

Come. - Look. l'd love to,

but I've got exams and l'm up to my neck in work.

- Come on, Philip. You can't desert me like this.

Come with me.

- lt's just not possible.

- Philip, please, please, please.

- I can't, but I can teach you some handy Spanish.

I'm sure you'll find it very useful.

- Hmm.

Going alone.

- Right this way, ladies and gentlemen. Up here.

Now this, ladies and gentlemen,

- Francisco. - is one of the...

- I have to talk to you.

It's about the conception room.

- But I have no time, Senor Cervantes.

I'm in the middle of a tour.

- Oh.

- And now, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will follow me, please.

We will come to the so-called conception room,

with an elegant, - Let's just go.

- genuine Baroque canopy bed. - Hey, Francisco, hey, hey!

- From the time of Phillip lI, - Hey!

- in which according to tradition,

- Francisco!

No, stop! - the seeds of successive

- No! - generations of del flores

have been planted. - No, stop, you can't!

Stop!

- Oh-ho! - Excuse me.

We're trying to concentrate.

- As you see, nothing has changed.

- Gotta get your hand out of the way!

- One more interruption,

and there'll be big trouble for Cervantes.

This is not the way we planned it.

- Oh, chiquita. - Close the door, will ya?

- Get out, get, get out of the way!

- I'm afraid the price of the tour

does not include - Don't close the door!

- a live demonstration. - Mm.

- You said this was going to be exciting.

- Better than watching soap operas!

- Shut up.

- I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to move on

to the next attraction, ladies and gentlemen.

We're conducting a probate hearing in here at the moment.

Here comes the attorney for the estate right now.

Now, if you'll just follow me to the next exhibit.

- All right, girls, once more and give it a little feeling.

Sorry about that, Bobby. - Cervantes,

l am trying to concentrate.

How do you expect me to work under these conditions?

My producers are spending a fortune for this location.

Up, up.

That's nice. Bueno.

- It, it won't happen again.

I mean, you have my word on it, l...

- Yeah, yeah.

- Just don't forget.

The castle is not to be mentioned by name in the article.

Am I bothering you?

- Keep your hands off. - Ah, yes.

Of course.

- All right, girls.

Hold that position. That's beautiful.

Truly, a viewfinder's delight.

Okay, now get up.

Yeah, that's great.

Okay, now l want you to turn around

and put your hands up over your head.

Come on up, up, up.

Yeah, that's great.

Okay, now just stay there, wanna keep your back

arched a bit.

Yeah.

Give me some interesting poses here. Come on.

Yeah, that's better. Much better.

Yeah, that's terrific. Terrific.

- Like this? - Ah, that's beautiful.

Oh, this is a feast.

- You need a hotel?

- No, La Casa Flores.

- Well that will cost you 1 5,000 pesetas.

- What? That's highway robbery.

- No, no robbery.

It is very far, Casa Flores.

It is on the other side of the island.

Want a hotel?

- Okay, okay, but make it a cheap one, okay?

- Si, cheap.

- Finally.

- I'm sorry, but you know the routine.

First, to your friend Antonia and her canopy bed.

I can't wait to try it out.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised to find my wife

in one of these endless corridors.

- What do you mean?

- She is a friend of Antonia's.

- Maybe my husband's out there too.

He sometimes does business with Cervantes.

- Who cares? It's worth the risk.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

- Hello.

Hi. Nice to hear from you again.

Thanks. For you, of course.

Anything, anytime, anywhere, for the right price.

Let me take just a quick look.

No problem.

Everything will be ready for you.

The door is open.

I don't know. What are you expecting?

I'm getting an awful lot of static. We'll try anything.

See you soon. Bye-bye.

lf business keeps up like this,

we're going to need a secretary.

- Yes, Antonia. We're a match made in heaven.

Huh, your contacts and my castle.

- Your castle?

- Well, the castle is officially in my possession here.

And inheritance is very complex.

- That should mean it could take forever.

And that's exactly what I'd hoped for.

And don't forget Carmin. - No, no.

l was thinking of giving her a, well,

you know, a small raise.

She's very important to us and,

and you are very important to me.

- Yeah, but what about the old butler?

- Leave that to Carmin.

She knows how to deal with him, I see.

Well, if, uh, l guess on that note,

l guess I should be going.

- Oh, bring me an ice cream, please.

- Si.

- Huh. Mm.

Good afternoon, senora. Lovely day and lovely dog.

Would you like to, whoa!

Whoa!

- I'm awfully sorry.

- Yeah, sorry.

You know, you have to be careful about, uh,

knocking someone off their feet, you know?

- Well, forgive me for that.

- Let's call it a truce, okay?

- Now that I've been your downfall,

the least I can do is invite you to be my guest.

Oh, but the lady you were trying to impress

looks like she's long gone.

l'm afraid for now, you're stuck with me.

Did you, uh, did you want something?

- Well, uh, l think I'll have the same please. Thank you.

- Are you one of these men who try to make a big impression

and fall on their face?

- Well, it seems that way.

It's, uh, tough on the ego, I can tell you.

- And on the face. - Do you live here?

- I will be, yes. - So, uh...

- Family business, uh, but I'm hoping to stay.

- And, uh, you live here year round?

- Yes.

- Well, it's a great island. I know every inch.

- This, uh, um, Flores castle. Do you know about it?

- Well, not much. lt's a rundown place.

- You cross your fingers. What does that mean?

- Well, it's a habit I have.

You see, I, oh, well.

- I happen to see everything.

- About the Flores, ah, why does it interest you?

- l have my reasons.

- Well, all right, uh,

like most of the English estates here,

the Flores is deep in the hole.

- Is it bad?

- Depends on what you mean by- - How bad is it?

Perhaps if they made it into a hotel

or gave guided tours around the place.

- Oh no, no, no, no.

lt's no use. Uh, this place is a sure loss.

- Oh my God! Run!

- Get up. They're shooting blanks.

Can't you hear that?

- Go!

- Come on, let's follow 'em.

- Oh-uh!

- Now you do as you're told.

- Rape me, if you must. Just don't take my money!

- Don't worry, sweetheart.

Your virtue's not in danger. Move it.

Dammit, get in. Okay, mom, start the car.

- Excuse me, could you hold this for a sec?

Whoops. - Huh, huh, huh?

- I'll be right back. - Oh, oh!

- Where is she? - Uh, she gave me ice cream.

She's steal my car. - That white thing there?

Is that her? - Hold it, hold it!

Now who's paying for the ice cream she ate?

- Hey, I was a guest. What do you want from me?

- Bet she was one of the robbers.

She was real strange from the start.

- Pull up here. Very slowly.

Let us off.

Come on. Hey, and thanks for the ride.

What are you doing?

Get back in the car! - Hello, this is Cervantes.

The Contessa is here on the island.

I was with her when a robbery occurred nearby.

Well, we became separated in the confusion.

And I'm afraid that she may be headed to Casa Flores.

- Presto, changeo!

- What?

- Buenos dias. You were speeding, you know.

Do you have an explanation for that?

- Well, ah- - I do, were supposed to be

married an hour ago.

- Married? - But it took more convincing

than I thought it would.

- You fool! You're a lucky man.

- I apologize, sir.

- What's that for? - He wouldn't put his

top hat on. - That's grisly.

- Well, you, you seem to be working things out.

No time to lose though. Off you go.

Priest won't wait forever.

Good luck to you.

Good luck!

Cute couple.

- If she shows up, stall her. I'll be right over.

- Hey, Don Cervantes, how are you?

How's the castle? - Ah, good.

Yeah, good. Still standing, I guess.

Um, how are you? Well, I take it.

- Frisky, actually. Look, we should talk.

Gimme a call and we'll get together.

- All right. Good to see you.

- Yeah, take care.

- The young lady seems to have no

identification papers whatsoever.

All we found in her pockets were one package

of birth control pills and three packs of sugarless gum.

- Thank God for watertight packaging.

- Hmm. - We, we fished her out

like a drowned rat. - Sure did.

- And hung this stuff up to dry.

- Oh. - Sure did.

- Well, you can't have her sitting around like this.

l mean, you should put her in a cell

until we find out who she is.

- You mean in case she's dangerous?

- Officer, please.

I'm allowed one phone call.

If you'll give me the phone so I could call the consulate.

Can't I? - Oh, huh.

- You sit down and be quiet! Now, sit!

- l know him.

- You know that guy? - She knows the guy.

- If you know that guy, maybe we better put you in a cell.

- Wait! Just kidding.

I apologize. - You apologize too, hmm?

Can you cooperate too? Hmm?

Now let's see, let's see.

You were born?

- Yes.

- Uh. - What year then?

- Um, 20 Years ago. - Mm.

- 20, ah...

Ah, ah, day?

- No, at night.

- Okay, okay.

Ah...

All right now, sex?

- Uh-hoo. - "Now sex."

l swear you cops are all the same.

- Oh, man.

Uh, yeah.

- Ooh.

Oh, oh, I can't see! Where did she go?

- What is she doing? - l don't know, I can't see!

- What, what is she doing? - Whoops.

- What the hell? - I don't know!

I can't find her! - Oh, those animals!

They tried to rape me! - Not again.

- Where is she? Where is she?

- Where'd she go? - l don't know.

- There she is. - This way, no, I don't know.

- Mm.

Excuse me. - Huh?

- Can you hold this for a second?

- What's this?

- Hey, you guys heard of a place called Casa Flores?

- Yeah, it's a crazy place.

- Sounds like fun.

- Oh, hmm, who needs it? - Mm-hmm, mm.

- Oh, l don't believe it.

Yep, there they are. Like every day.

- God.

Is it two o'clock already?

- Must be. Come on.

We have to hurry. We've gotta get out of here.

- Damn! - Oh.

- I'm going to be late again.

- Oh, me too.

Come on. I'm running out of excuses.

I don't have any more!

- Oh, l don't believe this. - What am I going to say?

Geez, what am l going to say?

- My wife's gonna kill me.

- Need a ride? - Yes, please.

- Do you know how to get to Casa Flores?

- It's on my way.

Go ahead. Hop on.

- Hey, where are you going? Stop, hey, stop!

Do you hear me? I wanna get off.

Stop, help!

Stop!

No, leave me alone! Stop!

No!

Stop, stop!

Please, stop!

- Uh, hey, hey, baby.

Come here. Come to Papa.

You, come here.

You don't need those little guy.

- There's this crazy guy after me.

Some rapist or something.

He's gone now, but...

- Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

- He tried to... - Tell me all about it now.

Up you go. All right, uh, yeah.

- Thanks. - Hey!

- Hey, move that car!

- Hey, move it, move it! - Where did the motorcycle go?

- It's funny, the island is bigger than I thought,

but it looks the same all over.

Like this road, I swear we've been down it

three times already.

It's weird, huh? - Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, l gotta stop for a second, honey.

Hold onto that thought.

Watch this tree limb here.

What? Mm.

All right, all right, let's see.

Uh, all right.

You want a drink? - No, thank you.

- Ah, well.

Mm, there.

Okay, yep, yep, yeah, we'll be there by nightfall.

Ooh, ah, mm.

Yep, yep, ooh, yeah, okay.

Oh, Casa Flores is a beautiful estate.

Yeah, if you ever wanna - Huh?

- go there, during the day, because at night,

uh, there's ghosts there in the place.

And, well, it's glorious, it's a beautiful stay.

Ah, that oughta do it right there.

Ain't been like this in a while.

Mm. That oughta do it.

There. Yep.

Hey little girl. Wake up, we're here.

- Are we there? - Yep, yeah.

You see that tower there?

That's where they say the ghost lives.

But, uh, that's just talk, you know? Right?

Well, we'll see you later, sugar.

Good luck.

- Thanks. - Yeah, right.

- Thanks again.

- Wait. Now where are we going?

- What difference does it make?

Oh, watch your step.

It looks like the storms knocked out all the lights.

- Honey, l'm so scared.

These robberies used to be exciting,

but the last two have been total fuckups.

- Just be quiet. Trust me.

- Oh. Forget it.

- Will you stop that? We're almost there now.

Whoops.

You're going to love this place.

- Oh!

You've got some taste in real estate.

A castle with no electricity.

- Where, where's that strange light coming from?

- Probably fermenting corpses.

God, look at this stuff.

This place really hasn't been touched in ages.

Excuse me, sir, are you a vampire?

- Cut it out, will you?

- All right. Thought you wanted me to relax.

- I do, but stop making so much noise.

- Uh, how do I get out of this thing?

- Hold on, princess.

- My kingdom for a big soft sweater.

- There. - Oh, thanks.

- My pleasure.

Hmm. Now let's see about this radio.

- It's probably dead like everything else around here.

From ghoulies and ghosties and mean little beasties

and things that go bump in the night to "Lord deliver me."

My sister used to say that when we were small.

- Actually, you look like you could raise the dead

in that outfit. - Actually,

l'm gonna drop dead if we don't find some food.

Let's go see if this place has a kitchen.

- All right.

This thing's useless anyway. Ready?

- Mm, yeah.

- Oh.

Oh.

Ah.

- Huh-huh.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Oh.

Uh, oh, oh.

- Huh!

- Oh!

l hope it doesn't take days to get the lights back on.

And the electricity.

- I don't need electricity.

- What do you need? - More watts than you've got.

- Oh, Carmin.

- What's that?

- It's nothing.

- I knew it.

It's a ghost.

- A ghost?

Move over.

She's beautiful.

- Juan?

- It gets later every time.

- Francisco's impossible.

He needs more and more every day.

- More of what?

- Wine, of course.

What did you think?

- I can't understand why you put up with that trash.

- Because I'd be out of a job if I didn't.

A dead Contessa doesn't need a mate.

- Mm. - Mm.

- Oh, my dear old friend.

You must get bored just standing here.

If only I could bring you back to life.

We'd do all the things we used to do.

Remember?

Shh.

Not yet.

Uh-huh.

Uh, yeah, uh.

Oh, yeah, uh.

Oh, yeah.

Huh?

Oh. Uh.

Mm.

- Mm.

Hmm.

- Hey, who the hell are you?

What sort of weird customers do they have in this country?

- But this is my bed.

- That still gives you no right to get fresh with me.

Who the hell are you anyway?

- l- I'm Francisco, keeper of the castle. The caretaker.

Who the hell are you?

- I'm Betty Milton.

I am the new owner of this slightly ramshackle house.

Betty Milton.

- Contessa.

- Uh.

- Oh, so you are, you are the heiress.

You are Contessa.

Much prettier than the old Contessa.

- Oh? Thanks for the compliment.

So you're the caretaker.

Then I guess you know about the sad state this place is in.

- But what sad state?

- Like that it's bankrupt.

- What'd you say?

- Well, I heard the Contessa squandered the fortune

and left the place bankrupt.

- Where'd you hear that? In town?

A likely story and a lie.

- Please don't get upset, Francesco.

l've just never had money in my whole life

or tenants either.

I, I just wanna know what's going on.

- What? Nothing's going on?

And don't worry about Casa Flores.

lt's a nice quiet castle that never hurt anyone.

Okay?

- Hmm.

What time do they serve breakfast around here?

- Breakfast? Where do you think you are, the Hilton?

Oh, ow.

We've got a job to do.

Here, look at this. - Mm? Hmm.

- From "Town and Country."

Big glossy photos of every room in the place.

All we need to know is which room

the old lady's jewels are in.

- Mm.

- What the hell is that?

- This place doesn't seem very deserted to me.

- I didn't know so many people lived in the house.

- Just Carmin and me and Mickey and his trumpet.

He's a distant relation.

He was so sweet to the old lady that she let him stay here.

- Could you give me a hand? - Uh, yeah, yeah.

A caretaker's work is never done.

Let's see.

Oh!

- Thanks.

I guess that must have been common.

I heard it last night.

- Quite likely.

But sometimes people say it sounds like, uh...

- Oh, you mean ghosts. - Poppycock.

No, it's those huge trees rustling

and the buildings settling.

Ah, that's all it is.

- You know, why isn't it ever enough for you?

- But this will be our last job.

lf we can find these jewels, we'll have it made for good.

Believe me.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning.

Hmm. Hmm.

- You look around in here and I'll try that room.

- Good Lord, to think that I spent the night

in the servants' quarters.

Don't go yet.

I'd like to ask you some questions while I take my bath.

- As you wish, Contessa. - Don't call me Contessa.

lt makes me feel like a time traveler.

And I have to concentrate on being right here, right now.

Should l accept this gift?

Just because it was dropped in my lap and I don't know

anything about this place, island,

or even the aunt who left it to me.

One person tells me this, another that.

One warns me about mortgages, the other about ghosts.

What do you say? - Well, I don't know.

l try just to do my work and keep out of these things.

- Oh really? How boring for you.

- Why?

Boring is better than being wrapped up

in all that gossip, don't you think?

And besides, I have way too much work to do.

- I don't believe a word you say.

- Why not?

Look, the castle is pretty, but it's also very dull.

- But you're beautiful.

I bet those hotblooded natives chase you around plenty.

And the parties you could give at this place?

- No, the only guests we ever see

are 80 year old tourists from Munich.

- My, my, my.

That's a great outfit. - Oh, shut up.

I got soaked hiding in a leaky shower.

- You should undress before not after.

- Smart ass. It's all your fault, you know?

So what about you? Did you find the treasury?

- Well, not exactly,

but I believe I got closer to it

than I ever have been before.

- I was in the Contessa's room.

How about you? Where did you end up?

- The kitchen. It was wild.

This string of sausages jumped around my neck

and really tried to strangle me.

- Great, you were stuffing your face

while l was getting wet?

- Huh?

- I trust the preparations are just so?

- They're just right for anyone stuck

in the previous century.

- It will suffice to maintain the standards

set by the Countess, God rest her soul.

And Carmin, another thing, we are professionals,

and this is something the Countess must learn.

She is not too fraternize with the help.

- Did you do the car? - What?

Uh, yeah. The car has been polished to perfection.

And I am at the Countesses' beck and call.

- The table looks beautiful.

Carmin, I did some thinking about that talk we had before.

- Yes. - Uh, I can't do this

by myself.

Can you make an appointment with Mr. Cervantes?

l need some legal advice.

Music? What's that?

- It must be Mickey's way of welcoming you to Casa Flores.

- Leaky faucets, lousy food and now this.

- Hang on. As I said,

this may be the last job we ever pull.

- It will be if that girl turns us in.

She saw us rob that stupid bank yesterday.

- Contessa, welcome to Casa Flores.

- Thank you very much.

And I'd like to invite you all up for breakfast.

- I'm afraid the boys have to go pack sardines,

but I'll be happy to join you.

- Then come on up. Thanks guys!

So you mean we actually are related? Even distantly?

Are you worried about the time?

- No, I, I have to make a call in 30 minutes.

- Oh, you could use the phone here.

- No, I should really do it from my treehouse.

l have all the papers up there and stuff.

- Was Mr. Cervantes available, Carmin?

Were you able to make that appointment for me?

- Francesco made the call, madame.

I'm afraid Mr. Cervantes will not be able

to see you until next Wednesday.

- Cervantes?

You better watch him.

Poor Casa Flores.

Pretty castle of flowers that could easily be a goldmine,

but since our dear Contessa died,

everyone's got their own plans for it.

- Mm. - You see?

- You mean even Cervantes?

- Right.

That is the person who's planning to steal it

all from you, my friend.

Don't sign anything or listen to what he says.

Oh! Um, I'm late.

l've got to run. Thanks for everything.

Uh, please forgive me if I've said too much.

- That's all right. Where will you be?

- Wherever you need me to be.

- Be right down. - Very well.

- You just stay in there.

I can hear you if I leave the door open,

but I must get in the shower.

l'll be late for the costume party tonight.

Can you hear me?

- Yes, I can hear you just fine.

Uh, I'm, ah, sorry to barge in on you like this

and, uh, oh bother you.

- That's okay. So what do you want?

- It's the Casa Flores heiress. She's here.

- What? Where did she come from?

- I don't know, I mean, she just, uh,

uh, appeared, I guess.

- Well, uh, you make sure she disappears.

- That's not going to be that easy. You see?

I mean, uh, she's happy here.

I mean, uh, she likes the place.

- Scare her. Old bags like that are easy to drive away.

- Huh. Old bag, huh?

She's a sweet young thing.

And Mickey's already in love with her.

- Mickey?

- So, uh, what should I do?

- Something quick.

- Pull over here.

I'll be right back.

- I can't believe you really stole it.

- Be at the meeting place at 1 2 o'clock.

- I'm busy.

- Rat! Goddammit, just be there.

- Bullshit.

- Pardon?

- Go fuck yourself!

- Huh, we should get more than two drinks

for a medal that size.

- Oh, who cares?

- Watch this. The one with the outfit.

- Cool.

- Wanna dance?

- Hey, what is this, your junior prom or something?

- Hey, get rid of that guy. You deserve much better.

- Yeah, two for the price of one.

- Really? Grow some hair.

- Hey, that guy over there. He's out on the town.

That's our big chance. - Let's go.

- Okay. The rope is anchored.

Now let's hope she keeps him busy.

That's just one less person to worry about.

Now, if the photos are right,

the treasury's directly below us.

You just go straight down and come back rich.

- With your track record, I won't be back at all.

- Come on, trust me. - Hmm.

- Whoa.

- Whoa, shit!

- Holy shit.

Huh.

- Whoa!

- Up, up!

My God. What is it around here?

- Oh, shit, Jesus!

- Ooh!

- l'm so glad you decided to be smart and show up after all.

- Well, don't flatter yourself.

lt's not you I came to see. - Oh no, look.

- There's a whole new era starting around here.

- l know. And you're worried about the public decency.

ls that it? - Public decency?

- Get me up, quick! - There's a lot more

to it than that.

My God. Who have you got up there?

They're going to wake up Little Contessa,

but she'll think it's a poltergeist.

You know, that's just how she is.

Just a wide-eyed, innocent little girl.

And all this stuff just fell into her lap.

She doesn't even know what to do with it.

- See?

- Well, l'd know what to do with it.

- Come on, Antonia.

Stop acting like a greedy wench.

- Stop acting like you didn't turn this castle

into what it is.

I clearly remember cooking this thing up together

in the heat of passion.

"Let's turn this into a love castle," you said.

- For our friends, yes,

but you started renting the beds out

to people we don't even know.

- So do they make love differently than us?

- You forget that, uh, we don't make love anymore

because of that ugly rental business.

- Vano, pull me higher!

- How come you never did anything about it?

- I just couldn't.

And l was so furious I couldn't even talk to you.

- l see.

But now that the Little Contessa is here,

you want the castle nice and clean, virginal.

Is that it? Hmm?

Okay, Mickey, if it's that important to you,

l'll wind the business down.

But I need some time.

l have people waiting in line who could really make trouble,

a scandal if we just close down like that.

People, Mickey, so hot they can't stand it

and dying to spend a night here to live out their fantasies.

You remember what that's like, don't you?

To live out your fantasies?

Do what you want, Mickey, just like always?

Remember?

- Oh!

- Give it to me now.

- Get me up!

- Mickey!

- What the--?

I thought there was something strange going on. Get in here!

- Oh, get your hands off of me!

- You little hussy! - Get in here!

- Put me down. - You!

- Put me down. Let go of me.

- My, oh, my, look what l found just hanging around.

- How long were you spying on us?

- Spying? I couldn't hear a word.

- Fine. Be that way.

Now tell us exactly what you saw.

- You, being stupid.

- Hmm. Who cares what she saw?

As long as she couldn't hear anything.

- And you! Trying to seduce him.

- Hmm. - Enough.

How about telling us what you're doing in this castle?

- I bet someone was lowering her down

so she could climb in the window and rob the showcases.

- It was a stupid, harmless prank.

- So stupid that it's going to get you arrested.

- Mm-hmm.

- Because breaking and entering is still a crime, you know?

- Oh shit, I forgot about that.

- The chief of police is a friend of mine.

- Oh, you know him? - Yes.

And he doesn't think pranks like this are very funny.

- He's a real highbrow.

- It's funny, on the way down,

I, uh, thought I just saw him

through one of the windows and he wasn't alone.

Listen, it's been great talking to you,

but my boyfriend's probably waiting

and wondering where I am, so l ought to go.

Take care.

- Listen, Cervantes, the plan isn't working.

Yeah, Mickey's fallen head over heels in love

and is keeping an eye out for her.

No, I don't care if he's a jerk.

We're in big trouble.

There was some kids snooping around.

They saw enough to have us all put away.

You have to do something.

Until things get straightened out,

l'm through with Casa Flores.

I don't need a scandal. Think about it.

Uh, my position, my reputation, my marriage.

What?

No, look, I'm really sorry.

For the time being, I'm just out of the picture. Goodnight.

- Huh.

- Who was that? - Nobody.

- Female, nobody, I suppose, like the rest of them.

One of these days, I swear.

- You know, just once, I'd...

- Oh, shut the light off, Bonzo.

- Please, step right in.

- Oh look, nice.

Look at this.

- Took three men to load that.

- Ah, maybe that's why the 30 Years War took so long.

- That's funny.

- That's the trigger. That's where you shoot. Right.

But you don't usually do it in the house.

You usually take it outside and...

- l shot that man in the tree.

- But it's just impossible for that thing to fire,

let alone hit someone.

It's far too old.

We must get down there.

Perhaps he's just wounded.

- Let's go and see.

- Look at this.

The damn thing must've been stolen from the castle.

- But why?

Who? Who could he be aiming for from up there?

- Who else but Mickey?

Maybe some admirer of yours got jealous.

- l haven't got any. - You?

- I have only one.

Francesco, l'm worried that Mickey's

not safe up in that house.

There's a lot of strange people around this place.

- Now you be a good Contessa and don't bother

yourself about that.

I personally guarantee your safety. l promise.

That's my job, to protect you.

- And Mickey? - Safe as a baby.

You can rest assured.

- All right. Thank you, Francesco.

You're very sweet.

ln the meantime, I'll go to see this Mr. Cervantes.

I can't wait till Wednesday.

Things are getting too crazy around here.

Can you have the car ready in 20 minutes?

- Of course, miss. Here wait, let me walk you back.

There you are, Contessa.

The Rambler, where the finest of ladies shop.

- I, I don't have any money.

- Contessas don't need cash. Contessas have credit.

- And you'll wait right here?

- Of course.

Hmm.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Francesco! Yoo-hoo!

Are you going to stand there all day long?

- Holy Madonna.

I'll be damned.

Contessa Betty, you fooled me.

- That's great! I don't want to be recognized.

Now, let's go to Mr. Cervantes' office.

- Cervantes' office! Yes, of course.

I just can't believe it.

You look so different.

- Let's go.

- Hello. We're here to see Mr. Cervantes.

The, uh, appointment is for whatever your watch says.

- Oh.

Your name was, um? - Mm, that one.

- Oh, of course. Follow me.

Uh, excuse me.

Mr. Cervantes, your one o'clock appointment.

Uh, Mr. Fidel Castro.

Oh, l'm sorry. And his wife.

- Oh.

- I'm, I'm sorry.

Um, the receptionist is still in training.

Please, yes, have a seat.

Uh, what is your name?

- Countess Milton.

- Francesco, be a dear and go do the shopping now.

l have something to discuss with Mr. Cervantes privately.

You can pick me up in about an hour.

- Hmm. Don't worry.

I know when I'm being sent from the room.

Mm, hmm. - Uh.

Well, I, so much for the disguise. Remember me?

- Well, I think so.

Yes. You're the girl I tripped over.

A Countess.

- Yes. I guess the cat's out of the bag.

But I'm just as surprised to see you

sitting here as my lawyer, okay?

l've heard about you. - Well, thank you.

Good things, I hope.

Now I suppose I'll lose a client

because I can no longer represent the man

you so dramatically sank.

But, uh, on the other hand, l gain a client.

And on top of that, uh . . . - Mm-hmm.

- Well, I am the executor of her fortune.

- I just hope you can handle the exchange, sir.

- Yes. Well, let's see.

Casa Flores, uh...

Let me pull a file out here.

And l think it's right, ah, here it is.

Ah, Casa Flores.

Oh, it's, ooh, such a gorgeous place.

- Hmm. - Mm-wa.

I love this place, Casa Flores.

But, uh, in confidence, Casa Flores

is in debt up to its-

- But isn't that really strange?

Over at the bank, they told me that the Flores mortgage

was just fine.

- Well,

the mortgage, uh, but we're talking about taxes here.

See? And, uh, they're so incredibly high.

I mean, uh, they'll ruin you.

- That's why we need a loan to bring money in.

- Well, that's an idea, but it's not an easy thing to do.

Your best bet is to sell the place,

uh, take the money and run.

- No, l couldn't sell it to just anyone.

lt's only for lovers. lt's so romantic.

- Lovers?

- What's the matter?

- Maybe you're right.

It's a brilliant concept. We'll work on it.

Just you and me.

- Oh, Mr. Cervantes, please sit down.

I was only talking about saving the castle.

Please, I don't want you to misunderstand.

lt's purely business. - Oh, we'll be a team.

Trust me.

- Mr. Cervantes, please.

I just polished that thing!

- There are other lawyers in this town, you know.

- Oh, geez. I can't believe this.

- How unprofessional you are.

- Where are you going?

- Come on, Francesco, we're leaving!

- What happened? Oh, what happened?

- Contessa!

It was a cultural misunderstanding! I didn't mean to!

- You'll get a cultural misunderstanding

right in your mouth!

You made my Contessa cry! - Come back!

- Hmm.

- Hmm? What?

- Oh. - Oh.

They're almost here. Wait.

Wait.

- This stupid thing's broke.

I don't know why, why I bought it anyway.

I should throw it away. Piece of crap.

- Yeah? - Knock, knock.

- Well, who's there?

- It's Betty.

- Betty, who?

What the. . .?

Why the disguise?

- A little secret. God, why is your house so bare?

- l didn't like getting shot at this morning.

So I'm leaving this place.

- Can't blame you for that.

Though I have to confess, l'll miss you

and you'll be missed around here.

In fact, I'd like to invite you to stay in the castle.

It's safe and there's plenty of room.

- That's sweet, but I can stay with my friends.

- Stopped by the lawyer's today.

- Really? So that's why you're all dressed up like that.

What did he say?

- He jumped on me.

- Betty, please sit down.

What, what happened?

- Nothing. I love this place and I'll never sell it.

- You angel, you are just too wonderful.

l'll be back and we'll make this place a paradise.

- Carmin!

- Mr. Cervantes, please, let me explain.

I tried to tell the man what you said to.

- I know. He said he's a personal friend, right?

- Well, no, he said he really was-

- Listen, Carmin, - He told me that he really,

- let me explain. - when he said that, then l...

- When I say cancel all bookings, I mean it, you see?

- But sir, uh...

lt was Don Jose. - Just look,

that's just great.

This could cost Don Jose his head.

And this could cost me my head.

Now, what I want you to do is this.

Go to that door and if Contessa comes, don't let her in.

No matter what happens. - Mm-hmm.

- Get it, okay? - Mm.

- Now wait, wait, hold it.

l'm going in there to get rid of them.

Fine. - Uh.

Oh, oh.

- Don Jose, please forgive the disturbance.

Don Jose, let me ask you a question.

How long have we been friends? 1 0 years now, right?

And many's the time that I did you a favor?

And could you tell her to stop doing that

while I'm talking to you? - What's he want?

I mean, that's really rude.

I mean, come up for air, honey.

Oh my God.

- That, that's my husband.

Uh.

- Oh. - That's my wife.

That's incredible. Unbelievable.

But you're lucky 'cause l'm a cool and rational guy.

l'm gonna walk right outta here

and pretend that this didn't happen.

And you have 1 0 seconds to get your butts outta here.

- Hmm.

1 0 seconds.

- Get out here.

Yes.

Darling.

- I missed you so much. - I missed you, too.

But when can we get together?

- It's always the same old problem.

We can't meet at my place and we can't meet at your place.

How about the car? - You know what l wish?

- What? - Just one night,

you and me, lost under a crescent moon

and a big canopy bed.

- Stop! Wait!

You're the guitar player from Mickey's band, aren't you?

- That's right, baby.

And you're the heiress. How's it hanging?

- Not too good. The castle's been nothing but trouble.

- That's tough.

- Could you tell me where Mickey is?

- That's even tougher.

- What do you mean?

- Pick behind some of them doors, baby,

there's a whole lot of beds in that castle of yours.

Adios.

- Carmin, what the hell are you doing with that thing?

- I am your armed escort. Please follow me.

- But what on earth is this all about?

- Now that there's been a shooting and an attempted robbery,

Mr. Cervantes ordered for me to be your bodyguard.

- I'm surprised he didn't volunteer.

- And here we have a, hmm...

Ah, uh-uh.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - A very special guest,

A very gracious loan from the far off Philippines, that...

Good God. The medal's gone.

The most valuable one that was on the chest.

And here we are at the oak bedroom.

But as you can see, the oak bedroom is...

- No, we wanna see!

- And as you can see, the oak room is in training

for becoming part of the love hotel,

maybe even the honeymoon suite.

- All we need is a bride and groom to test it.

♪ When you fall in love nothing stays the same ♪

♪ For you anymore ♪

♪ And suddenly you know the reason you've been living for ♪

♪ Running home she's there to meet ya ♪

♪ Knowing you've got something to plan ♪

♪ Thinking of a world that only lovers understand ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life crazy ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life lazy ♪

♪ Gently, hold onto your heart 'cause everyone must try ♪

♪ Love is, baby, when it's you and I ♪

♪ Every lover knows that everyone's a fool ♪

♪ If you play this game ♪

♪ Finding out together rules don't always mean the same ♪

♪ Walking on a cloud, we've made it ♪

♪ Or lost at sea and looking for land ♪

♪ All these little things that only lovers understand ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life crazy ♪

♪ Love is something that will make life lazy ♪