All language subtitles for Jimmy.Carr.Telling.Jokes.2009.DVDRip.XviD-HAGGiS eng

Jimmy Carr Telling Jokes

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Well, Ladies and Gentlemen
Great Show, Great Audience, Great Venue

One of those would have been nice

I went for a wander round earlier,
Someone Came up to me and went

"I saw your last show"

I said: "Thanks very much"

And then he added:
"At least I hope it was your last show."

Think we are fucking mates

People often ask me
How I do this for living?

How do you get up in front of people for
half an hour or two hours and tell them jokes

It must be petrifying

Well, The secret is..

What you do if you doing any kind
of public speaking, this really works

What you do You imagine the people
you are talking to are naked.

Yeah, really works.
Couple of things to remember

Firstly, Don't tell the people you are
talking to that's what you are doing

Cause that could be a little bit creepy

Secondly: It doesn't work as well
if you work in a primary school.

Someone came up to me and said:
"I don't wanna hurt your feelings but you"

"Look like Jimmy Carr."

How am I supposed to not
take that personally?

That's my face. That's all I
have got to work with.

I realize I have got quite a broad face I
got quite a good girth on my face

And girth is not a term traditionally
associated with an attractive face

Another thing you get by the seaside the
big card board thing cut out by the seaside

Big fat Johnny man in all in one Read&White
stripe suit running down

You know the one?

And they cut the face out so you just take
your head through take a hilarious holiday photo

When I stick my head through one of those
It just looks right.

I look like a Down Syndrome Roger Federer

I wish that wasn't funny.

I wish that didn't ring true but sadly..

I bought a rape alarm

Cos, I kept on forgetting
when to rape people.

They are bloody marvellous

Um, I was gonna tell you a little bit
about the behind the scenes

Not behind the scenes here at the Bloomsbury
Theatre, Cos its fuck all going on back there

But behind the scenes more generally
You know in TV commercials

When they use Chimpanzees to advertise TM
and what not.Because we will buy anything if

Chimpanzees are involved because
chimpanzees are adorable

Well, What they do when they are filming
a commercial with chimpanzee is to

Give the chimpanzees peanut butter and the
peanut butter sticks to the roof of mouth

Of the chimpanzee
Makes the chimpanzee go

Cos they are not used to the peanut..They
quite like it but they are not used to it

So it makes them go...

Make it look as if
the chimpanzee is talking

Well that's also how they make Hollios

Interesting fact for you

Are you having to explain that to her?

Its clearly a mixed ability group.

Here is another fact for you
Are you aware, If you put Mentos, You know

The sweets Mentos? If you put
Mentos into Diet coke

You are retarded.

Sweetsy make fizzy pop go magic.
I like it

Grow up

Sorry you give me a look there as if to Say:
"It is good though."

I told my best friend I fucked
his wife and got her pregnant

That cured his hiccups

I'm in a long term relationship.
Who else here is in long term relationship?

Give us a shout

- YEAH

Those of you sound thrilled

I have been with the same girl for 8 years
and we are very happy together but

How's this for mental?

She still gets annoyed if I use her
toothbrush.

That's mental when you can see how intimate
we have been over those 8 years

And if you can tell me a better way to get
dog shit out of trainers

I'd love to fucking hear about it
Cos, there is nothing finer

Dog excrement can blind a child

But its much easier just to use a finger

If you really wanna be sure smear
dog shit all over both the fingers

From the shoulder, Jam!

There are a lot of obese children in
Britain today.

But focus on the positive

The Pension crisis is over

Come on Those chubby little fucks
aren't gonna see 40

Never mind 65

It's quite lot of young people in

If you are young and your parents are
getting divorced It can be a very

Difficult time But remember:
It's not your fault

Your Mum's a slag.

It's pretty bad being
told you are adopted

But not as bad as being told

You are gonna be adopted

Did you know if your ears are burning
It means people are talking about you

Generally they are saying:
"He is on fire."

Are you all familiar with Simon Cowell?
Do you know Simon Cowell?

- YES

Simon Cowell spends 500 thousand pounds
every year on his own personal security

That's an extraordinary
amount of money. Isn't it?

Half a million pounds a
year on personal security

Has Simon not considered

Being less of a cunt?

What happened there?

You were saying that
you like my joke?

Ah! Thanks very much

It's very nice of you

I was chatting to these men having a
conversation in front of you But that's fine

You have caught my eye now

What do you do madam?

- I work for Nation Wide in
Human Resources

You work for Nation Wide in Human Resources

I imagine you be saying to people "Well
you are fired" quite a lot recently.

We have done fucked up the country
Fuck off!

All right. Good on you.
Human Resources: "The lady Sciences"

I was talking about Simon Cowell.
Simon Cowell People know the X-Factor

And the know Britain's got talent
but they way I see it

Someone's got to turn on the
Christmas lights in Stoke

And it's not gonna be me

Again this year..

I'm 36 years of age.
Do you know what that means?

It means the only way I get
to be described as young now

Is if I die

I think you know you are getting old

I was watching porn last week
and I found myself thinking

That bed looks comfy

The worst thing about being
told you got Alzheimer's

Is that it doesn't happens
Just the once

And I'll be telling that joke again later on

If I remember

Of course lot of people try
and fight the ageing process

Lot of people use
the anti wrinkle creams

Anyone here use the anti wrinkle cream?

- YES

A very few of you

Is that a fellow up there?

You know that meant to be wrinkly?

Now My question to the ladies
that use the anti wrinkle cream

If it really works..
How come you still got finger prints?

Yeah that's right..
I made you look like a fool.

I saw a thing on cover of
EL magazine

You all familiar with the EL magazine
for the ladies?

Said on the cover:
"What to buy and how to wear it?"

Buy a dress and zip it
up you fucking moron!

What kind of idiots are reading EL magazine?

Who is standing in a news
agency naked Thinking

"Help!!"

A lot of women worry about one breast
being smaller than the other

But focus on the positive
One of them is bigger.

And we call that one
"Our Favourite"

This is interesting, there is an
evolutionary reason why men love breasts

It's because prehistoric men
Loved breasts.

Have you noticed ladies? All men have got
obsessive compulsive disorder when

It comes to boobs. You noticed that?

All men have got OCD when it
comes to breasts

No man has ever kissed and caressed a
breast .. Yeah

All right I'm not a brilliant mime
I'm sorry

That looked like, like
I was cracking a safe..

Whilst trying to get the temperature
right in a hotel shower

Pretty multitasking..

Turn on the taps, testing the water
That's...

That's how I remember it.

That's very much
foreplay for beginners.

Not ready yet..

Not ready yet..

All like a fucking slip
and slide bang

Sorry, I got rather side tracked
What I was saying was..

No man has ever kissed and caressed a breast
and then not done exactly the same thing

for exactly the same duration
of time to the other boob

It's like we think your breasts
are sentient beings

And they will be annoyed
if we have got a favourite.

One of your tits will be sad going:
"Huh, Shares all the fun, Does she?"

My partner is always saying to me:
"You never tell me how you feel."

About two or three times a week she'd go:
"You never tell me how you feel"

What is she talking about?

Only yesterday I woke her up by slapping
her on the face with my cock

How much clearer can I be?

"This means I'm horny"

Sorry Sir we made eye contact.
I didn't mean anything by it.

I was by the seaside recently and I was
thinking about rising sea levels

And this guy next to me was
throwing stones into the water.

I thought that's not helping.

If anything you are
making matters worse.

Any Welsh people in?
Any Welsh?

Oh its quite a few of you.
We seem to have contained the problem

I'm loving the Welsh.
I like the Welsh language.

And I like the Welsh language

Because it was clearly invented
by a dad losing its scrabble

It's clearly what's happened there

That's not a word it
starts with three L's

"It is a bloody word"

Well, How is it pronounced?

I was in North Wales uh..
Last year it was in Llandidno

Has anyone been to Llandidno?

- YEAH

If its a No you don't have to answer

I'll ask again.
Has anyone been to Llandidno?

- YEAH

A few of you its a lovely town
I was there doing a show

Got on stage walked out I said:
"Its lovely to be in Llandidno "

This guy front in centre where you are
sitting there face like fucking thunder

"Its not Llandidno you bloody fool"

"It's Clandidno. In Wales
LL is pronounced with a C."

I said, All right don't be a
"llunt" about it.

Well ladies and gentlemen this is what
I do for living I think of little jokes

in my head and then I tell them to you
So that you'll like me

Sounds a bit tragic when I said it.
What was that? "It's not working"

Well, You can fuck off

This is as good as
it ever fucking goes

I don't come to your work and knock the
sailor's cock out of your mouth. Do I?

Where are you? "It's not working" man.
Give us a wave. What do you do Sir?

You do Telecom?

What do you do?

I do you..

I do you Telephone

What sorry?

You build them ... networks

Ironically you work in communications
and can hardly ...

Can hardly string a
fucking sentence together.

Well broadly speaking this
is what I do for living

Sometimes it does not quite work out
Cos sometimes I have an idea for a joke

And then I sort of look at it
in the morning and go

You know I scribble it down on a bit
of paper for a look in the morning

I look at it the morning and go: "Well it's
sort of half a joke but it's not funny half"

So the bit more... bit more..
you know challenging.

It's a bit more esoteric and oblique

Means difficult to understand

Make an effort mongo

So I thought we might go through
some of these. All right?

I have got visual aids

I realize it sounds bad when I say it like
that. I don't mean I was walking through a

Park and I saw two homosexual men having sex
And a bit must have gone in to my eye

And now I have got all AIDSy eyes.
I don't mean that

I mean I have got some pictures to help

These are slightly more
challenging bear with me

If a giant ape

And a table tennis champion
got into an argument over a karaoke machine

Would the newspaper headline be
"King Kong, Ping Pong, Sing Song, Ding Dong"

I'm writing a diet book It's called:
"Put that down Fatty."

Pedophelia is wrong

Its Paedophilia.

Of course the main cause of Paedophilia

Good looking kids

Could you blame them?
I was adorable.

Do you realize if you put your
teeth in coca cola over night

You'll drown

People actually believe Neil Armstrong was
the first man on the moon. Bull Shit..

It was Mrs.Akasia gardener from Nagasaki who
was standing next to where the bomb landed

Too soon?

They say its bad luck to put up an umbrella
in doors but I think if its raining indoors

You already had your bad luck.

The problem with Unidentified Flying Objects
U.F.Os is if they identify them

Then they are just flying objects F.Os

Then if they land just an "O"

I saw an "O"
uhh

Lofts: Lofts are magical places
where its always Christmas..

It only happens once a year but when I
collect the Christmas tree in the car

It looks like I have over
done on the air freshener

If we are going to put an end to
global poverty Now is the time

To stock up on trainers

I'm joking. We are not gonna
put an end to global poverty

They now make non alcoholic cider
Now correct me if I'm wrong

That's apple juice

One in three Scottish
women is clinically obese

As are the other two

When you think about it a bowls club full of
pensioners is like an upside down graveyard

If ever I'm in the cemetery I like to think
that's what going on underneath

Whenever I talk to an old person
I always think

What a privilege
but they never thank me

Of course talking to an old person is like
having access to living history

Which is a lot like normal history
but wreaks of piss

There's a law that states pregnant women
can urinate anywhere they want

Brilliant News.
I think my Nana might be pregnant.

The big shopping centre near us called Lake
Side and my girlfriend said the other day

"Lake Side is so crowded, no one
goes there any more"

We were in a car she said:
"Where would we be without Sat Nav?"

I was looking up for a friend's cat when
my friend wet on for a holiday and I was

Worried about over feeding the
cat so I asked her about it

Cos although she'd know
about that sort of thing

Here is what she said, she said:
"Don't worry Cats aren't pigs like dogs."

What the fuck does that mean?

Cats aren't pigs like dogs.
Good well that's really clarifying

I used to have table football in the house
we had fooseball in front room of the house

It was brilliant then she moved in she
hated it She said "it was too blokey"

So what I did was I filled the table
football up with water and now we play

Synchronized swimming.

She came home other day she was all excited
she was thrilled with herself she said:

"I saw a man with one platform shoe"

I said: "No you saw a man with club foot."

No one's got one platform shoe

No one's half into 70s fashion.

Unless it was Heather Mills
on the way home from a disco.

Probably Not

A friend of mine dresses his Labrador in a
yellow florescent jacket takes him everywhere

He goes it looks ridiculous

Is he blind?

Don't worry he is
never gonna see the show

Why do deaf people
watch TV so late at night?

Is it cos they always
sleep through the alarm?

I'm not sure if it counts as incest but I'm
pretty sure when I was growing up

My dad was fucking my mum

I woke up with an erection this morning

One reflection I wish
it would have been my own

Saw a headline in the paper it said:
"Homeless shelter burns down."

I thought what are they now?

Homelesser?

No they were trapped inside
they are all dead

If you know the difference
between a kayak and a canoe

You probably don't know
what its like to have sex

The highest speed ever achieved
on a bicycle was done by a British man

146 Miles per hour on a bicycle
that is pretty impressive

It was recorded at a level crossing

Still counts

The great wall of China, longest wall in
the world. Not one cash point.

Some people think Islamic fundamentalism
is a very real threat what

I wanna know is when the salvation army
gonna step up to the plate

The most commonly shop lifted book
in the world is the Bible.. Yeah

Which sounds weird but
then makes perfect sense

Because how you meant to know
not to steal it until you read it

I got handled a leaflet
in the street saying:

"God loved you so much He
nailed himself to a cross."

I thought
What? One handed?

The Pope, The Pope does not approve of
condoms. Which is fair enough

He is entitled to his opinion

But how does he suggest
I smuggle cocaine?

If I went on a dragon's den I would
pitch the dragons a device

That makes you less of a
self satisfied smug cunt

I have discovered there's a big difference
between having something engraved...

For someone and having
something of theirs keyed

To rejoice in someone else's misfortune:
The Germans call it "Shardan Froider"

We call it
"You have been framed."

They say: "Revenge is best served cold."
and they say: "Revenge is sweet."

So really what they are saying is:

"Revenge is ice cream."

I think it goes without saying...

I'm glad you agree.

I was tempted just to go
for forty minutes. That would...

Either that would have
been terrifically funny or Shit

Maybe Shit

I've had an idea for a children's book
I was going to run it past you

Its an idea for children's book its
about a boy that can see into the future

After he gets raped by unicorn

Sort of Bitter sweet

We don't have an on suite bathroom
but we do have plastic sheets

If anything its more convenient

I was in the cinema
and something struck me

I think it was peanut

I'm a great driver last
year I got 25 points

If you are Scottish and you don't wanna
know how you gonna die look away now

Heart disease.

When my doctor told me I had heart problems.
I took it with a pinch of salt

To cut a long story short
Frodo does it

What we've just done ladies and gentlemen
somewhere in the region of 60 jokes

in ten minutes that's quite a lot of
jokes per minute that represents

value for money during the credit crunch
I believe. Well done me

What I have been trying to do is write
the shortest joke possible so I can pack

Even more jokes into the show So last
year in the show I had a 4 word joke

Its only 4 word long
but its a proper joke

Venison's dear, isn't it?

Its only 4 words. That doesn't fuck
about just get straight to the point

So this year I thought I'd go
one ladder I'll attempt a 3 word joke

So for your delight and delectation

Stationary Store Moves

Clearly not impressive enough I will
now attempt a two word joke

"Dwarf Shortage"

Have you ever had this My girlfriend
made me fire our cleaner because

She said: "The cleaner was too good looking"
and she didn't want her in the house

How mental is that..
She was really good cleaner

She was specially good at
getting spunk out of hair

Did you know? every day nearly 4000
serious sexual assaults occur

In my mind.

In America in Oklahoma where that fertilizer
bomb went off they have now got

A garden of remembrance

And it has come up a treat

So every cloud...

These kids in American high schools
I'm sure you have read about them

14 - 15 -16 years of age they go into
their high school with automatic weapons

And hand guns.
They go ape shit.

They shoot twenty or thirty of their fellow
pupils before turning one of the guns

On themselves.
What is their fucking problem?

Do they not know
where the staff room is?

They could be heroes

There is two ways to stop bullying
as I see it ladies and gentlemen

There are two ways to stop bullying

Firstly: You can stop the bullies.
Well That's been tried

Secondly: you can stop the kids
that are being bullied

For being such faggy dicks

And really the best way to do that

Is bullying

Am I what sorry?

- Were you bullied in school Sir?

Was I bullied at school?

No!

What sorry?

- But you are a faggy twat

But I'm a faggy twat.

We are all having fun I just
open this can of whoop ass

Pop that there...

You are Remarkably, confident for a man
in some sort of hoodie's top

What do you do for living Sir,
do you mind me asking?

- I'm a student

You are student. What do you study?

- Ah, I'm in secondary school in Ireland.

You are still in secondary
school in Ireland?

And what do you want to be
when you grow up?

What sorry?

- A lawyer

You want to be a lawyer?

So you know you are a cunt.
You are going down the line

And who are you here with this evening?

- I'm alone.

You are.. alone?

So, so far we know you are alone

And you are a bit of a cunt

I'm liking ya, Frankly
What's your name Sir?

- Chris

Chris, Hi Chris. You all right?

And did you just come over for the show?
over the weekend?

Just come over for the show.
God bless you Chris

Feel free to join in any time you want.

The more aggressive the better
Frankly

I quite like it..

Chris bullied me

- Sorry

Yes you will be

If you are being bullied because
you got a speech impediment

Maybe you are from Republic of Ireland

No If you are being bullied because
you got a speech impediment

There are people you can talk to

But it will take fucking ages

And they may giggle a bit

I had a friend she had a speech impediment
It was quite severe sort of lispy thing

She was bullied so mercilessly
at her job that she left

She has moved out to coast to
work in tourism industry

She sells sea shells by the sea shore

She doesn't like to talk about it

She can't

If you have got lisp and you
got offended by that

Sowwie

Sorry, I'm making light of something quite
serious. Let's try and lighten the mood

Shall we? Let's lighten the mood little bit

When I read about that Austrian fella

It was bound to come up.
Wasn't it?

When I read about Joseph Frizzel building
a cellar under his house to imprison

His own daughter for 24 years. So he can
systematically torture and abuse

Two generations of his own family.

Here is my first thought, This is how middle
class I'm. My first thought was

I bet he didn't have
planning permission for that

We'd all like to add some square footage
but there are some fucking rules mate

Has any one in here ever tried any D.I.Y
Give us a shout if you have ever tried

Any kind of D.I.Y. Yes?
-Yes , Yeah

Almost every one has tried. Can anyone
who has ever tried D.I.Y

Hand on heart tell me they don't have a
little bit of admiration for the

Work that Frizzel did..

It's not easy building stuff
Is it?

It's not easy to be a tidy workman

I'm not saying I approve of
what he did down there

But he built a cellar without
his wife even fuckin notice it

I'm just saying credit
where credit is due

A round of applause for a Frizzel joke

You may be my kind of town

He was described in the Daily Express News
Paper as most evil man in Austrian history

Not even close

Hitler!

Exam standards are coming
down in this country

But focus on the positive we do very
well in pregnancy tests

I'm not being snobbish but I think you know
are common if you are at same school

As your mum

This is a bit snobbish.
You get annoyed by the kids that

Can't use cutlery properly. That irritates
me if they can't use cutlery properly

And that would add insult to injury
wouldn't it?

If you got stabbed by some ASBO yob

And then were holding
the knife like a pen

I'll be fucking livid

Do it again
This time properly

Caravan holidays: Caravan Holidays are
fun way of telling your kid

You are poor!

Most people are laughing, Couple of
you are giving me the stink eye

Giving me a look as if to say:
"It's actually quite a posh caravan."

"It's a six berth and we got a ....
so whatever!"

Just one question for you
On your holidays do you shit in a cupboard?

You just about cracked a smile but
it really took some effort

What's your name madam?

What's your name?
It's not the telly, I can see you

What's your name?
- Camilla.

Camilla. And what do you do Camilla?

Suppose it depends on the guy

I'm only messing about

It's just you look all dressed up for this
sort of show. This kind of filth

Maybe he told you we are gonna go and
see a theatre show in the West end of London

And you went: "Fucking Brilliant"

You probably didn't even say fucking.
You probably went

"Marvellous"

Uh huh. And the West of London a theatre
show. This would be lo.. Bit of class

And is finally.. And then you..
This and you are going

For fuck sake

You brought the ticket. And how do
you two know each other?

That's your mum?
wow! you.. you..

You don't even look like....
you look like if you could be sisters

You don't look young
she looks fucking old

I can't help myself. Its some sort of ...

I love the fact you have just turned
around and go: "Does she?"

What have you done to yourself there
you got a little thing on your...

What did you do...
He has got a little bandage on his face

there. What have you done?
- I had a growth cut off..

You had a growth cut off your face?

Ah! Sexy.

Wow!
- It looked better off

It looked better off than... No I like the
little thing. It's very match up

You could make up a better
story than that. I feel

There's gotta be a better story than
"I had a growth"

I had a black eye a while back.
I had a black eye because umm..

Playing tennis. I got tennis ball in the
face. I got black eye

Obviously that's a shit story. So
what I said to people initially was

You should see the other bloke.
Fun for about half an hour

Then I hit upon this.
People said what happened to your eye? I go:

"You should see my wife."

You can visit her.
She is in hospital

See it's all class this, Camilla.

Wife beating..

Good. We will check in with you
from time to time. Check if you are happy

I read that drinking your own urine
is meant to be good for you

Bull shit

I put my back out...

Just a little tip for you. If you ever find
yourself in front of 500 people

You don't know that well. Miming drinking
piss out of your own cock

Make it a double hander

What do you do. I didn't ask
What do you do?

- I have a diving school in Indonesia

You have a diving school in Indonesia

Wow!

I mean I have heard some
tall stories that paedophiles tell

You are a sexual tourist.
You disgust me.

What kind of diving?

That sound fucking great.
Well done you

I was gonna go diving in Indonesia
last year But I... I read this thing online

That said you can get a thing where..

Growth on your face..

Tiny little things irritate me in life.
I don't know if you get this but really

Quite trivial things annoy me.

You know when you go into fish and chips
shop.Let's say on a Friday right?

And the guy in all too chirpy voice.
Its the chirpiness that gets me

Goes. As you walk in Goes:
"Chips will be five minutes."

What? What do you mean that chips
are gonna be five minutes?

Did you not think I was gonna order chips?

It's a chip shop. The clue
is very much in the name

This is the one scenario you really
should have been prepared for

Some of you go to Greg's or any high street
bakery. Go into any high street bakery

At 4'oclock in the afternoon and they will
say in the same voice wherever you go

In the country. They will go:
"We have run out of rolls"

And then they will explain it. They will go:
Lot of people came in at lunch and had rolls

"Now we have run out."

Like there was nothing they could do

Make some more you fucking retard
Jesus!

I sometimes get in Starbucks.
You go in Starbucks?

I love Starbucks. I love the Posh coffee.
You walk in there though at the end of day

And they will go:
"We have turned the coffee machine off."

Well, Turn it back on fuck knuckle

I didn't come in here for a chat
I want a fucking coffee

I sometimes get in the department stores at
the end of the day. You know if you are in

Big department store at the end of the day.
You get, from behind the counter

Quite a snooty voice

"Excuse me, We are closed."

You find yourself thinking...

How did I get in here

Am I a burglar?

I don't wanna be a burglar

Do you go into McDonalds?
You might go in there later on.

You might need a poo.

Have you noticed how underneath McDonalds
it still says: "Restaurant"

Who is that for?
Who doesn't know what McDonalds do?

And also Restaurant.
Is it a restaurant? Really?

You guys are a couple. Right?
How long you been together?

Year and a bit OK so long term relationship
year and a bit you been together.

How annoyed would you be madam on a scale
Between one and fucking very

If next valentine he said to you:
"Yeah I booked a restaurant, Yeah"

Yeah I spoke to the ma�tre d'
Yeah

Ronald I think his name was

He was either the ma�tre d'. or a five star
general cos he had the whole there...

I have organized a table for two and he
recommends the Fillo Fish

You'd fucking kill him. Wouldn't you?
- Yes

Who doesn't know what McDonalds do at
this stage. You'd have been living

Underground for 25 fucking years.

What is this? (Austrian Accent)

Hamburger?
Schnitzel..

Schnitzel for a Fritzer.

I got stopped outside McDonalds.
This guy said to me the other day.

He said: "This cheap food is only made
possible by GM farming cruelty to animals

"And exploitation of workers
in the 3rd world."

I said: "All right, Hold up.

"You had me at cheap food."

"I'm going in there. There is
no need for the hard sale

"All that other stuff is just a bonus."

Do you get the super patronising warning
from the waiter about the hot plate?

Do you get that when you go out for a meal?
- Yeah

The minute.. it arrives and the waiter goes
"Be careful the plate is very hot."

You think Yeah I'm a grown up I think
I can operate a plate

Also I can't help but notice Mr. Patronising
Waiter you just put it down with your hand

But it's too hot for my little fingers

I tell you what Mr. Patronising Waiter
should we see if it's hot? Shall we?

Ahhh!!

It's really hot.

I don't wanna be a dick
but you should have said.

In show business they say Never work with
children or animals and nowhere is that

Truer than Porno

No one likes looking at sick and
degrading pornography

More than me

And one friend I have who has a
"Diving School"

Any gay priests in?

No. I'm just... For those of you that
collective noun for gay priests:

Priests.

It's an easy one to remember. Isn't?

Because gay priests were in the news
Because if you are a gay priest you can now

Marry another gay priest. They wouldn't
allow it for ages because it was gonna be

Confusing during the ceremony because
would they say do you take this man or ...

Does he ... take you?

Who is the mummy?

Seems a bit awkward

I like to meet a gay priest cos normally
priests do that sort of nomen parterre thing

Whatever that is

I imagine a gay priest would be
a little bit more...

You know a little bit more charismatic

Jesus Christ
You look amazing

Yeah. I'm gonna kneel down
before you.

What? Come on!

Jesus was definitely a fag.

He hung out with twelve sailors

Fishermen Whatever!

I'm going away. We are having
a dinner No girls

And he had a six pack. uff

I have got a family pack

The Church wanted to move forward on
female bishops. But bishops can only move

Diagonally.

Gay priests can move wherever they
want because they are queens

Altogether or not at all
on the applause

Otherwise we gotta throw
you a fucking fish.

Thanks very much.

I don't believe in God I'm ... I'm
actually an atheist

Not even an atheist. Sorry I don't believe
in God seems to be obvious now after

The Jesus is a fag comment

But I don't believe in God. I'm not even
an atheist. I'm what you might call

Anti Theist. I think religion is a bad idea.
I think it's a tool used by the powers

To be to control the
weak minded in our society.

But you can't put that on a form

So I just write:
"Church Of England"

I'm actually a lapsed Catholic.
Any Catholics in?

- Yeah

Oh! Quite a few of you over there
Yeah.

I'm a lapsed Catholic. I knew my days
were over in the Catholic church

When I found myself at communion thinking:

"I like the wine, I'm loving the wafer.
Any chance of a bit of cheese?"

Don't get me wrong though I still respect
the Pope. I like to think of Pope as:

"King of the Paedos"

He is the best one. He is the
"Ring Leader"

He is Gary Glitter's boss

Did you see the story about Gary Glitter?
There was a GCSE music question

about Gary Glitter.

How bad is that?

How bad is that? A GCSE music question
about a Gary Glitter song.

Cos if there is one artist you don't
wanna associate with the phrase:

"Sshh! Turn over. You got an hour."

I should leave Glitter alone. He just
wants to settle down and have kids

Well, I though We might have some questions
from you the audience but I often

Get asked the same things by
audiences around the country

So I have prepared some FAQs questions
to go through first

I get asked after every gig by men of
certain age they would go to me:

"You been on Top Gear
Who is the stig?"

Do you wanna know?
- Yes

It's the girl from the Xavierx ads.

I often get asked favourite colour.
It's such a weird question

Because colour is all about context
For example

Bright Red: Bright red is a great colour
for a sports car. It's a terrible colour for

An Anus.

We all like the green grass
and trees and leaves

But discharge?

Every one likes blue skies

But Pensioners?

Don't give me the Owhhhh!
I have already toned that down

That was originally
Dead Babies

Someone asked me recently:
"Any grooming tips?"

I said: "Yeah don't do it. It's illegal"

Sorry. I can't help but notice you
look quite young there.

How old are you sir?
Do you mind me asking?

You are what sorry?

You are 13?

Did you understand that grooming joke?

Just I can explain it to
you backstage after

Most natural thing in the world
Sshhhhh!

And who you here with. Your dad?
- Yeah

You are fine with this filth.
Aren't you sir?

Are you fine with this level of filth?

Good. You couldn't give a fuck.
Brilliant

Well, The good news is you
have got a cool dad

Bad news is:
You gonna have to go into the Care

Cos he is not very responsible.

I get asked: "What did you study?"
I did Philosophy in English.

Well I say I did Philosophy in English
What I mean is I thought about

Reading a book.

What did you do before you did this?

I was backstage masturbating and crying

What would you be if
you weren't a famous comedian?

I'd be a comedian you hadn't known of

Who is you favourite comedian of
all time ever?. Well I would have to say

Me

I know it sounds a little
bit arrogant but think about it

It is exactly my sense of humour.

People come up to me all the time
and say: "I love your sarcasm"

I say: "Do you really?"

I often get asked... This is fair enough
He is a funny boy and he is doing very well

For himself. People often ask me:
"Are you related to Alan Carr?"

Yes.

He is my sister.

There is Me, Alan and Maxine

Us two were livid

When we found out
Alan was gay.

I often get asked about that
People often ask me:

"Have you ever had any gay experiences?"

Well, Yes. I have had gay experiences

I've been in a shoe shop and said:
"I have to have them."

I have described a cheese cake as
"To die for"

But I never had the gay experience when
someone puts their cock in my mouth or bum

And really that is one that counts

Doesn't count if you do it to them
does it?

Does it?

I thought it wasn't gay
if you didn't push back

It's definitely not gay if you
beat them up afterwards

I often get asked this: "What celebrity
would you most like to sleep with?"

Angelina Jolie. I'd love to
have a go on that

She is an attractive woman. Isn't she?

I had a dream about
her a couple of weeks ago

I'm not saying it was sexy I had to
get the sheets off with a toffee hammer

That's a weird joke. Isn't it?. Cos once
your mind has to go Ugh! and

Ah! Toffee Hammers

I have realised I haven't got much of a
chance with Angelina Jolie

She is with Brad Pitt.
I have got a face like a potato

My only chance with her is if I black up
and check myself into

A Mozambique orphanage

But that could backfire you could
end up fucking Madonna

People often ask me favourite joke
and its not a bad question

Cos, I have spent my life writing books
about jokes and thinking about jokes

I'm quite obsessed by jokes.
So its a fair question

I like sort of pub jokes that can drop a
nice image in your head

I like: Why do women
watch porn to the end?

To see if they get married.

It's adorable. Isn't it?

I like this joke cos this is very
Northern. Very Yorkshire joke

Any Yorkshire people in?
- Yeah

I'll tell in Yorkshire accent.
Patronising

We didn't have paedophiles
when I were a lad.

We had to buy our own sweets

Come on!
How Yorkshire is that?

I got told this one. Just a pub joke
I got told couple of months ago just

By a friend and just really tickled me

He said: What's the difference
between Jam and Marmalade?

I said I don't know the difference between
Jam and Marmalade, You'll have to tell me

He said: You can't marmalade your cock
up a bird's arse.

I know. I know. I know
I know. I know its a bit much I know

But there is a good reason
for me telling you that joke

Don't you find it awkward when the
in laws come to stay at your house

You find that weird? When her mum and dad
come to stay at your house?

I find it really weird.. I feel
like a child in my own home

Breakfast is the worst time for me cos
I'm not really a morning person anyway

All you can hear is the crunch of toasts
slurping of tea

There's no conversation.
It's just awkward.

Yeah. Every one is Jim jams and robes.
That's just weird

What I have given you there
A lovely little ice breaker

Cos when her dad says:
"Could you pass the jam?"

Here is one for you

No. Don't cry cos you can jam your...

Has anyone got any questions this evening?
Anything you would like to know?

- Jimmy. Yes
- If you couldn't be a comedian...

If I wasn't a comedian..
- If you couldn't be a comedian..

If I couldn't be a comedian..
Many people would say I can't be

There is a school of thought that says
"What the fuck is he doing?"

But go on, If I couldn't be a comedian?
- What would you do?

I.. The same as you. I would
dress up as Emily

And wonder the streets
looking for adventure

It's a good look. I'm loving that.
What do you do? - I'm a student

You are a student. Where are you studying
You studying in London?

Canterbury. Ow never mind.
Maybe if you had worked a little bit harder

For your A-Levels.

Canterbury University. You say Canterbury
but what I hear is Clearing

Yeah there is no shame in that.
That's fine

Any other thoughts?

Come on you go on. - What's the best
thing that ever happened to you?

What's the best thing... ?
The time we fucked.

I know you don't remember but that
is the wonder of Rohypnol

Trust me. It was magical

Are you good?

No.
- You said it not me

No. No You are now saying you
are good at fucking. That's great

I'll put that on my DvD and your
mum and dad can watch.

The man next to you
incidentally is sort of going ....

She has got a point.
She is fucking marvellous.

Excellent. Nice to get a
good review.

Any other thoughts?
Questions?

- If you were a soup what flavour
of soup would you be?

He said: "If you were a soup what flavour
of soup would you be?"

Is that who I think it is?
Is that the BFG?

What kind of a soup would you be?

I would be a lovely, delicious
Wan Tan soup

I don't know what kind of a soup...

What kind of a soup would you be?
Is there a leading...?

I'd be Tomato and ...

You have got the loveliest
voice in the world.

- Can you get me a date tonight?

What sorry?
- Get me a date tonight?

Get you a date? Not a problem
Do you like 13 year old boys?

Sorry Mate.

We are all having a laugh. You are going:
"Is that gonna happen or no..."

You are fine. You are golden.
And what's your name Sir?

Steven.
Steve

What do you do Steve?
I'm a Dentist.

And I like soup.

You are never going to
chip a tooth on soup.

Said the BFG.

You are wasted. You should be doing
voice overs. It's lovely

- I'll go on a date with ya.

There is a .. There is a large titted
slag that will fuck you

She is pretty hot. She is all right. I don't
know if you can see. Can you see her there?

Steve? She is all right.
- Can she stand up?

Could she stand up.
I don't think she could..

Would you like to have a go on that?

She said Woo really quietly but it
picked up an echo from her enormous..

Its gonna be like throwing sausage up
the alleyway but...

I'm only kidding

What's your name madam?
- Tracy

Tracy.

Of course it fucking is.

Of course it is. Of course.

Sorry let's ask...
You two can meet in the lobby

You have got the same sense of humour
and she is you know...

- And she is easy.
What sorry?

She is easy

When I was younger I couldn't
talk to women

Because I was hiding in their
wardrobes masturbating.

It would have totally given it away.

You didn't see that coming. Did you?

I have written a Romcom, I wanted to tell
you about this I have written a

Romantic comedy. It's about a guy and a girl
Classic. Yeah.

Initially they hate each other. Classic

But end up in bed together.
Classic

It's called "The Rapist"

If you get arrested for making obscene
phone calls and you get taken down to

The station and you got one phone call

It's gonna be a temptation. Isn't it?

Excuse me office, I'm just gonna
finish myself off.

You can say PCs gone mad and no one minds
People quite like if you say PCs gone mad

Political Correctness has gone mad.
They like that

But if you say PC's gone
fucking spastic like a Monk rapist

People get quite chippy

Sorry, I should clarify When I say
Fucking Spastic like a monk rapist

I mean a rapist that rapes monks not
a monk that rapes

I don't wanna offend any one

Although thinking about it, getting
raped by a monk, Not as bad.

At least you get a cuddle afterwards

Although good luck in the police line up

They all look a bit same to me

Swings and round abouts.

Ah! what they like

While we are on the subject of Down Syndrome
That's not a line you hear enough

While we are on subject of Down Syndrome
Don't they have enough to worry about

Without they haircut.

What Sadistic barber is thinking:
"This fellow is not getting bullied enough."

What about a bald cut.

Last July I was in Region's Park just
hanging out with couple of friends

On a beautiful summer's day.
I saw a Muslim woman in full kit

All right, It's not called kit.

Hijab, Burqa, Yashmak The full thing yeah.

Roller Blading.

It looked amazing.

Cos it was such a hot day it looked like
someone's shadow would got up and fucked off

No. Obviously that's a joke about religious
dress not a joke about ethnicity or race

Because I say Muslim women but I don't
know for sure

You can't tell with that sort of thing.
Can you?

It could have been a Catholic fellow for
under there for all I know

Or a Ninja.

There used to be a problem with racism
in this country. When my family moved here

From Limerick. My family moved here from
Limerick in 1970s. It was still common place

Yeah. To have signs in hotels and B&Bs in
the window saying:

"No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish"
I thought this country had changed

And changed for the better.
I'm not so sure

I was in a shop the other day there was a
sign saying: Checks (Czechs) not accepted

It's a disgrace

I saw a thing on Sky News the bloke went:
"Should Eastern European Immigration be...

"Stopped. Let's see what the
Polls have to say"

That's a very poor choice of words

Some people eat road kill.
have you heard about this?

They take stuff that's been mowed down
on the streets. They scrape it up they clean

it They cook it. They eat it.

Fine. But What you have got to accept is
that some of these kids have got families.

I got a couple of speeding tickets last year
I have got to be super careful now

I have got six points on my licence. So I
got this special device.

Some of you have probably got it too.
Sits on the dashboard tells you if there's

A speed camera in the street. Makes a
beeping noise.. Goes: Beep beep beep

To warn you there's a speed camera.

Also makes a noise if there's a child in
the road. It goes: Burdum, Burdum

What?

Last week I ran over
a kid carrying a symbol

Bronchhh!!!!

Come on!

What's not to like it?

It's a joke about killing
a child in a musical style.

Premature Ejaculation

Is a problem for many men

Well, I say it's a problem for men.
Mainly it's a problem for women.

What do we care. We are asleep.

You can now get practically invisible
spray-on condoms

Which are being designed specifically

For Gullible women.

You can get condoms that are ribbed
for her pleasure So what I do

Turn them inside out
Please myself.

Oh! you probably wondering why I
have asked you here this evening.

I wanted to talk to you about
relationships and sex and love

And I wanted to give you some advice.
Yeah?

Cos it is nice to talk about that
sort of thing and everyone can relate to it

Cos you are either in a happy relationship
Yeah? Or you wanna get into

A happy relationship. Yeah. Or or..

Maybe you have come for eating and
living with too many cats.

Or "Happily Single" as you call it.

So I was gonna give you some advice about
relationship and you know that sort of thing

I thought we might talk to the
single men first.

Who are the single men. Give us a shout?
- Yeah

Said the single men. Yeah that's
probably why you are single

OK. If you are on a date with a woman
do tell her you have got feelings for her

Don't tell her
It's an erection.

Do walk her home
Don't follow her home.

Do surprise her
Don't wear a balaclava

Do offer to pay for dinner
Don't offer to pay for anything else.

Unless it's Tracy in which case a bag of
chips would get you laid

Hey Tracy.

It's a good indicator that a woman fancies
you for when you are talking she touches her hair

If it's a pubic hair It's a cert

Women like the strong silent type.
That's because when we are quiet

They think we are listening.

What you like ladies?

Could be a bit depressing,
being a single man.

Can be. Can be a bit of borak..I have got an
inspirational story,This will cheer you up

Concerns my friend Emily. She is beautiful
She is intelligent and she is funny

She is a tipple threat. She is on a date
with a guy about two months ago

They were having dinner across from each
other. Main course arrives Lasagne as it

Happens OK. He leans across to her plate
Takes a massive bit of that Lasagne, eats it

Without saying anything. Does it again
like 30 seconds later

Another massive bit .. eats it
off her plate

Does it for the third time

All she said was: "What are you doing?"

He came back with this, He said:
"I'm paying for it. Aren't I?"

I know.

The reason I think that's
an inspirational story

She still fucked him.

I can't believe his luck. He got laid
and had half of lasagne.

Is anyone actually on a date this evening? I
can see few people I think might be on dates

But I don't wanna kind of embarrass you
because dates are anxious enough anyway

They are fraught with anxiety. Aren't they?
Being on a date ..

Cos you don't know when you gonna
move in for the kiss

You don't know how its gonna end up later on
They are just weird and awkward.

So I'd like to break the ice for you.
I'll break the ice for you.

Why not suggest fucking in the
disabled toilets.

That's what they are for

That's why they got the hand rail
for more exotic positing.

Don't give me that look. In my defence
when I was in there I was fucking a cripple.

And I'm 90% sure it was consensual.

- How was it?
How was it?

But that is Parkinson's for you.

I think clapping a Parkinson's joke is...

In poor taste ladies and gentlemen.

People do seem obsessed by where others
are having sex.

The mile high club is a good example
Any members of the mile high club in?

Yeah.
Doesn't count if you are on your own

You know that right?
The Mile high club: Making love in a plane.

Sounds exotic and glamorous doesn't it?
But what you really saying is:

"We fucked in a chemical toilet."

Obviously there is a
budget version for you.

Top deck of a bus.
Fingering.

Are you paying attention.
That's all in the wrist

Don't go in with that hand
you'll refold yourself

You keep sure you put that hand
Keep that hand for ticketing

This is fun and we are learning things

Men and women are different. Now I know
we all know that in our head

But the more you can accept that in your
heart I think the better the easier life is

Right? Yeah.

Some examples: Women like to relax in a hot
bath with candles and oils

Men generally prefer to masturbate
in the shower

Yeah we know what you are up to
in there ladies.

Why does this loofah smells funny

Some advice for the ladies.
I'd a woman come up to me after the show

A couple of weeks ago. She said:
"I think you are very sexist."

I think you'll find it's pronounced "Sexy"

Run along, grown ups talking.

Ladies if a man says he likes foreign films

Porn

If a man says he enjoys long walks in
the country side it might mean he is

A romantic soul. It's more likely
he is saying:

"They'll never find your body"

When women put out on the first date
Men don't like that

We love it.

Yeah. I.. I.. You know.

I have read a thesis that said 98% of men
are happy to have sex on first date

I thought happy?

We are high fiving strangers on a night bus

Of course a lot of women don't wanna
have sex on a first date even if they wanna

Have sex on a first date because they think
if they had sex on first date makes them

A slag or a Slut or something.

Not any more ladies. You gonna
have to do more than that

To ba a slag these days

Am I right Tracy?

Just saying, like having sex on a first
date just means you wanted to have sex

On the first date. That's all it means.

To be a slag these days you
gonna have to do so much more

I have got friends that are slags.
My friend Louise is a slag

She's got five kids

By seven different dads.

She's got a speech impediment that
prevents her from saying No.

Well I say it's a speech impediment
It's actually a cock in her mouth

She is such a slag that council
trims her bush

I have got a question ..
I have got the question for the men

Have you ever seen a
woman so unattractive to you

It makes you question your sexuality?

I'll explain Cos for me it would be
like Gillian McKeith.

You know the woman form
how clean is your poo?

Weird looking creature

So if you put Gillian McKeith there
and Brad Pitt there

And you said to me your life depends on it
you got to do it with one of them

You gotta make the beast with two backs

Do the sticky belly

I'd think right I'm a heterosexual man
Gillian is woman Gillian is

Owww!!!

Ahhh!!!
Jesus!!

Give it here

Is that bad? Does that make
me half right half chips?

- Half right
You are Right.

Well what ...
OK let me give you a moral dilemma

What is your name?
give me your name. Marcus

OK Moral Dilemma for you all right.
Ann Whitikon, George Coloney

If you had to

You going for Ann whitikon?

Are you mental?

She has got a face like a bull dog
licking the piss of a nettle

And she is a hell of a size. You are a slip
of light.She'd fuck you in half.

And that is only where your problems begin
because I imagine her peachy pouch

Her Lala, Her fofo, Her Wendy

Her special lady garden. Call it what you
will. I bet it looks like a badger

That's been hit with a shot gun

I bet there are police divers that would
be squeamish about going down on that

I bet it looks like a
bull dog eating mayonnaise

I bet George Coloney has got the
prettiest cock you have ever seen

Why don't you spit-roast her?

You suggesting I double team

Ann Whitikon with George Coloney

Now that is a celebrity
sex tape that would sell

Some one said that the other day Marcus
Some one as macho as you the other day

They went: "Yeah Ann Whitikon
just put a bag over it"

Really?

Has that ever happened ladies?

How low would your self esteem have to be

You would fuck a guy who have just gone:
"Can I just..."

That's better

Chat up lines: Let's do some
chat up lines OK?

Obviously the best chat up line is:

"Will you hold my pint
while I go for a shit?"

- "If you were a soup, what flavour
of soup would you be?"

Steve every one

And his brilliant chat up line
If you were a soup.

What flavour of soup would you be

I.. I think that's right up there with

"Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?"

And the ever green

Let's not turn this rape into a murder

The problem with chat up lines
you know whether they gonna work

Pretty much immediately. You know straight
away whether the girl is thinking you are

A drink or buy us a drink. OK?

So I have written some abort mission lines
for you so you could be sort of half way

Through a chat up scenario

And you can abort the mission if you
think it's going badly. Right?

So we would work like this.
You would say: "Do you wanna dance?"

She'd have face like thunder.
You'd go: "Can I have your seat?"

Did you hurt yourself when you
fell from heaven?

Cos it looks like you
landed on your face.

I have never seen a more
beautiful women in my life

So can you move?

Here's ten pence for your mum

Tell her I'll be there in
half an hour to fuck her

Get your coat you are pulled

Hang on you probably don't own a coat
Girls your size tend not to feel the cold

And my personal favourite.
Save this for someone special

Your father must have been a thief

Cos you look like a pikey.

Let's talk about gifts. Cos gifts are very
important when you are in a relationship

They show your partner how you feel
about them.This is interesting my girlfriend

Suggested last Christmas that we limit
ourselves to �20 for each other presents

But I wasn't thinking about
spending that kind of money

Obviously If you are buying gifts for a
women its pretty easy.

Just go for the classics. You know
Champagne, Chocolates, Flowers

Unless you are dating an
Alcoholic, Bulimic with hay fever

I buy my girlfriend flowers every week

Cos I really fancy the girl
in the florist

I have told the girl in the florist
my girlfriend is dead

I thought it was a good idea at the time
It slightly back fired

You try explaining to your other
half why you got her

four weeks in a row

Obviously different flower
express different emotions

So for example, red flowers say passion

Yellow flowers say love

And self raising flour says:
"Make me a cake."

My girlfriend said recently. She said:
We need some romance in our lives

So I took the hint, I booked a hotel. Flower
Chocolate, Champagne, Petals on the bed

The full bed. Ended up having incredible sex

Of course it turned out

She wanted me to take her

What's the fucking point of that.
I live with her

She'd be there when I get back

I'm not saying I feel cheated but when
we got together she said to me, She said:

"I'm very liberal about sex. I don't care
what people do as long as..

"They are consenting adults and
no one gets hurt."

There is always a catch. Isn't it?

"No one gets hurt"

"Consenting"

"Adults"

Basically No fun.

All right. Some sex tips. Let's try and be
grown up about this. Yeah?

Gentlemen: If you are having sex
with a new partner for the first time

Never take a run up.

I know what you are like. You
wanna make a good first impression

But you don't wanna actually leave a dent.

A lot of women don't like if you leave your
socks on during sex but I always leave one

On Cos I don't wanna get her pregnant.

Some women don't like to have the lights on
But it can't be helped in my case

because they come on automatically
when I open the car door

And then they stay on for 20 seconds
So it is over

This isn't a advice. This is more of a
reminder and it's a reminder to men

In long term relationships, Cos standards
can slide as the relationship goes on

Just a reminder for the men in
long term relationships

It is never acceptable,
Never Acceptable. Yeah

To answer the phone when love making

Even if you hilariously pick up by saying:
"I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel"

Some common myths you may have heard
These are just myths, they are not true

The best lubricant for anal sex

Is not tears

It's blood

I bought some KY Jelly. It said on
the box, not to be taken internally

I thought where do they think
it's fucking going.

If you are gonna have sex
I can't stress this enough

If you gonna have sex with some one that
you don't know. Always, Always, Always

Ask

Let's talk about sexual health.
Shall we?

STDs, STIs and the like. Cos there is a big
difference my young friend, between

Giving a girl goosebumps
and giving her a rash.

What?

Have you all seen the ad. where the girl
has AIDS written on her bra

And Chlamydia written on her knickers?

Well, That is no way to tell your partner

It turns out

Chlamydia that's the one you wanna get

That's the gold standard of STIs

That's the best one. I was chatting to a
friend who is proper doctor

He said: "Chlamydia is right but the
worst thing is there are no symptoms."

I said: "How is it even a disease?"

He said: "It can make a woman infertile."

I said: " ... "

I will throw away these condoms then.
Shall I?

The only way Chlamydia could get any
better as if the discharge was a

Pizza

The woman are thinking that
is disgusting

And the men are thinking
That would be brilliant

Can I just make the point. There are a lot
of young ladies in today

Can I just make the point? It is totally
socially acceptable

For young women to carry condoms in
their purse or in their bag. Of course it is

But a young man
carrying a coil is weird.

She know how the coil
contraceptive device works?

No idea?
Well. I'll explain.

Think of me as a kindly uncle

The way the coil contraceptive device
works is that the lady says to the man

I have got a piece of coiled metal

Somewhere in my vajayjay

And the man

Goes off the idea.

You got a bit of metal where?

Any chance of a gob job?

Let's talk about break ups cos
breaks ups can be hard. Can't they?

It's not you me It's me is a terrible
way to break up with someone

But not as bad as:
It's not you, it's her

Women give us the silent treatment

Because they think

It's a punishment

We have got a special name for
The Silent Treatment

We call it:
Peace and Quiet.

I don't wanna sound misogynistic but I
think break ups are easier for women

Than they are for men. Because you think
women have got support network of

Friends and family that they really
talk about their actual emotions

What have men got
in break up to fall back on

All we have got is our mates

You try telling your mates,
A girl has broken your heart

And your mates would likely go:

"Well it's just as well,
Cos you are clearly a puff"

I had it happened recently with my
friend Russell, He broke up with his wife

They'd been married for
4 years together for six

She's left him for another guy. What
do you say?. I don't have the vocabulary

To have that kind of emotional conversation

Ended up falling back on the old clich�s

I said: There's plenty more fish in the sea

He said: "Yeah, But it's not just
the smell I miss"

well on that cerebral and edifying note
Has any one got any questions or queries

About Sex or relationships.
Anything you need to know?

- What's your favourite Position?

I like reverse cow girl but you know
I'm old fashioned that way.

What's your Sir?

- Various
Various.

I think I can..

Yeah. I imagine it's either that

Or that..

Yeah.

Maybe that , He knows
Yeah treat yourself. Why not?

- What wouldn't you do that your Mrs.
would ask you to do?

What wouldn't I do that my Mrs.
would ask me to do?

Stop.

I was parked early on a single yellow line
and I was worried about traffic

Warden coming when I wasn't there.
So I left a little note on windscreen

For the traffic warden.
Do you do that?

On this note saying:
"Oye traffic warden cunt, I fucked your mum"

Apparently the rear passenger side
of the car is the safest place to be

In a accident. Yeah.

Although I think if you are
back there.It might explain

Why you have crashed

If it's an offence to impersonate
a police man

Why we have got community support officers?

My girlfriend has got one of those tiny
little strips of hair. What are they called?

Moustache

Landing strip?

She is only twelve.

I'm joking

She has got landing strips

She is a very hairy little girl.

I have slightly upset myself with that

She is a vegetarian.
Any other Vegetarians in?

Any? A few vegetarians around.

She.. Caroline's vegetarian.
She thinks it's disgusting that I eat veal

But she eats

Baby carrots

They are babies

Of course some women can eat whatever
they want. They don't put on any weight

And they are called

Bitches

Not that I don't mind the fuller figure.
I quite like the larger lady

I went out with a girl once who was
quite a lot larger. Yeah

When she sat around the house

She sat around the house

If you had a pillow fight
you had to use a duvet

I undressed her with my eyes. It
took me 45 minutes

I tried to spoon with her.
It's more like a ladle

I have got a photo of her somewhere

Taken by google earth

My girlfriend and I are trying for a baby

We got pretty close outside
last Saturday

I was in LosAngeles last year doing a bit
of work and I got stopped at the airport

They said: "Purpose of visit?"

I said: "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

That's three hours of my life
I'm not getting back.

I was told when I was twelve years
of age by my Catholic priest

He said to me: "God is watching you
when you masturbate."

I said: "Is he a paedo too Father?"

I'm joking I said:
"Is he a paedo too father?"

Now that joke maybe offensive to Catholics

But it's not the only reason I like it

The thing about Child Line...

I haven't said anything yet

The thing about Child Line is:
Now we have a generation of children

That can't keep a secret.

I know that does not sound very charitable
but let me leave you with this

Ten pence from the sale of every one of
my DvDs goes to the poor under privileged

Children of Cambodia, Who

Manufacture them

This is I Jimmy Carr.
Thank you very much indeed for coming out.

I'd like to, Take this opportunity
to dedicate the gig this evening

To 2pac

I miss him

No I'd like to dedicate the gig to
Caroline my girlfriend

The more beautiful, hard working, dedicated
woman could not be found

Despite exhaustive and on going
research on my part

I have got a lovely note before the gig
this evening from some one's dad

He is here with his daughter.
She is 16 today I believe

She is here with some friends celebrating
her birthday.

I don't know where you are sitting.

Your dad was wondering if you could get an
autograph after the show

I will do better than that. Bring her
back stage

I'll finger her

I'm joking.

I'll fuck her

I often get asked after the show.
The most common question after the show is

What's the most offensive joke?
What's the worst joke?

Now I don't think I can tell you the
most offensive joke

Cos I think offence is taken not given
That's not just an expression

That is how it tends to work

Different people take offence to
different things

So I can't tell you what the
most offensive joke is

But we could see

We could start gentle and work our way up

And see at what stage as an audience
You go:

Ah! For fuck sake

Do you wanna give it a go?
- Yes

Well, Let's start gently. Baby steps
All right? We start gentle

Very sad when princess Diana died

And all London got was
that shitty fountain.

Still better than Paris, All they got was
slow down side

No one offended but you should have
heard the fuss when I suggested it

On the Royal Variety.

Do you remember where you were when
you heard Diana died?

Yeah, I was in Kensington garden's thinking
This place needs something

The Twin Towers

Was the best of the Lord of the Rings
films

No the Twin Towers. Do you think it'd
have seen less tragic

If they haven't been twins

I'll be honest with you. I feel more
sorry for the people in the 2nd tower

Than the people in the first tower.
Do you?

Cos the people in the 2nd tower, Imagine
that. Imagine you get into work one morning

The building next to your, identical to
yours gets hit by a fucking plane

What's your first thought gonna be?

We dodged a bullet.

Unlucky!

Five minutes later.
Ah! for fuck sake..

You all seem fine so far. Let's go all up
a gear in terms of offence

Let's change tacts a little bit

People say Dolphins are really intelligent

I think yeah but only compared to the
retarded kids we got them swimming with

When a dog is on heat. It means it
wants sex

That is my defence

It's a good area for offence that. isn't it?
The weird sexual things that other

People do that you have heard about
You never dream of doing but you

Have heard about. Feltching is a
good example

It's even a horrible word. Feltching.
For those of you that don't know

Feltching is the retrieval of sperm from
the anal canal via suction

I know. How mental is that?

It's like fucking someone in the ass
and then going:

"I take that back."

No one offended by feltching. OK.
Let's go up another gear

I have got a friend that recently had
an abortion

But on the positive side

Slimmer the month.

She got a badge and round of applause
She can't believe her luck

on the subject of abortions, a lot of
people support a woman's right to choose

But I think if I am paying for it

I am joking I never pay.

Doesn't cost anything to fall
down the stairs. Does it?

Some of these girls are I swear they
think I am made of coat hangers

Well, that got a few of you

Just a few of you the hard corner
offended by anything so far?

See if we can pick you off

I discovered the hard way the worst way
to start a benefit gig for abused children

Is with an apology

I said I was sorry I don't
see what the fuss was about.

If men fall asleep directly after sex

Why is it so difficult to catch a rapist?

No one offended. Right.
Let's bring out the big guns

Hitler and Pol Pot

Unquestionably two of
history's biggest cunts

But let's try and see the good and
the bad and both Hitler and Pol Pot

Managed to conduct an
awful lot of medical research

Without hurting any animals.

I put it to you if you are not even
a little bit offended

You haven't really Understood that

This next joke is just a simple piece
of word play. It's a little turn on

A very common phrase. Yeah, Just a
little bit of word play

The joke isn't about what the joke's about
if you follow me. It's about the word play

Yeah you know it's gonna be offensive

If it comes with a
little warning before hand.

They say there is safety in numbers.

Yeah. Tell that to 6 million Jews.

Really London? Really?

A round of applause.

Cos, to my mind that should
be the most offensive joke

Not just in the show but in the world ever

Cos, Content wise that's a joke about the
worst thing that's ever happened.

The Holocaust. 6 Million lives taken by
an industrialised killing machine The Nazis

That's the worst thing in human history
and that's a joke about that.

But it's not that offensive of a joke
It's not anti Semitic, It's not racist

It doesn't hate anyone
I mean it's in bad taste

I'll give you that

Cos it's taking lightly
something very serious

And that's like the definition of bad taste

I put my hand up to bad taste
Obviously I put my hand up like that

Not like that

That's only gonna make things worse

Never High five a Rabbi.

You know the most offensive joke in
the world if you judge it by offence caused

Yeah, the.. the.. the kind of consequence
of the joke rather than the content of joke

Is actually a cartoon done 4 years ago.
Yeah.

Caused more offence than any other joke
in human history

It was a Mohammed
with a bomb as a hat

Done by a Danish man

There was protesting all over
the Islamic world.

They don't like a chronography
at the best of times

They certainly don't like
people taking the piss

So there was protesting all over the
Islamic world some of those protests

Turned into riots. Three Danish Embassies
burnt to the ground

And ten people lost their lives in rioting

All because of a joke.

About somebody's imaginary friend.

I'll be honest with you I think some of
the Islamic world slightly over reacted

I think the Iranian Govt. slightly
over reacted. They decided to boycott

All Danish products.

Now I'm not sure they were doing
a roaring trade

In Pornography, Beer and
Bacon before

So that is for what it's worth
the most offensive joke in the world ever

Ladies and Gentlemen thank you so much
for coming to the show tonight

Thank you so much for buying the DvD if
you are watching this at home

Just a quick thing before I go

The worst thing about being told
you have got Alzheimer's

Is it doesn't just happen
the once

It's I be Jimmy Carr thank you very much
indeed. I appreciate it

Thank you Steve. Thank you Tracy.
Thank you young man. Cheers!

Good luck with the face man.

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