Original subtitles

Wallace!

What are you waiting on,

a trail of rose petals, Princess?

Let's go! We got a game to win.

Get your head out of your ass.

♪ Days swiftly come and go

Promise me, you'll take me with you to college,

to the NFL,

to a giant mansion with a giant pool

that has a phat hot tub

that's connected to the giant pool

so I can swim from hot to cold whenever I want.

Yes.

I love you, Staci.

♪ On the phone

It holds ten songs.

I put all our favorites on it.

♪ Being alone

♪ I'll find someone new

♪ Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of ♪

♪ My heart is crushed by a former love ♪

♪ Can you help me find a way to carry on again ♪

Let us change your life, kid.

♪ The sky, I'm moving on

♪ Sweet beginnings to arise

Our little secret.

I can't move across the whole country.

-I only left Eastbrook twice. -Whiskey.

Once for a game in Vickelsberg, and then...

-Whiskey. -...once to Vickelsberg

by accident.

Whiskey!

They should probably mark Vickelsberg better.

Son, let me tell you a little story

about The Beatles.

They played about 250 shows

in all these little shitholes

in and around the city of Hamburg.

And you know how they became the biggest band in the world?

Practice?

They left Hamburg.

♪ To know

♪ I found a reason for me ♪

Oh.

Hey, why don't you go dance with Ted Kim?

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

He looks lonely.

♪ All they do is piss and moan

inside the Rolling Stone ♪

♪ Talkin' about how hard life can be ♪

♪ But they could spend a day or two ♪

Bone Zone! Bone Zone!

Bone Zone! Bone Zone!

America needs its traditions.

♪ Fall

♪ Fall

♪ Lifestyles of the rich and the famous ♪

♪ They're always complainin'

♪ Always complainin'

-♪ Ah ♪ -♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

Behold! The ancient one!

Chug, chug!

♪ Well, they got mansions

♪ Think we should rob them

♪ Well, did you know when you were famous,

you could kill your wife ♪

♪ And there's no such thing as 25 to life ♪

♪ As long as you've got the cash

to pay for Cochran ♪

That skank Jane Morris just said

I've had more holes to fill

than her grandpa's bowling ball.

-What? -Take me home.

Yeah.

I probably shouldn't because I'm--

You know, I think I'm too... way too drive to drunk.

-I can drive you! -What a bro!

Yeah!

Oh, I love you, Ted Kim!

Thank you!

You think drinking every beer in Eastbrook

makes you run faster, Wallace?

Now suit up and kill Vickelsberg!

Are your menstrual cramps acting up?

Hey, my all-American, get over here!

All-state quarterback Hank Wallace

isn't his normal gun-slingin' self tonight.

We need to talk.

We'll see if Wallace can pull himself together

on this drive.

Eastbrook needs this W against Vickelsberg.

And break.

Oh! Awful snap.

Wallace is scrambling.

Oh, a tragedy tonight in Eastbrook.

♪ The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting ♪

-Whiskey. -♪ It couldn't be

that we have been this way before ♪

♪ I know you don't think that I am trying ♪

♪ I know you're wearing thin down to the core ♪

Congratula...tions.

♪ Hold your breath because

-Maybe. -♪ Tonight will be the night

that I will fall for you over again ♪

♪ Don't make me change my mind ♪

♪ Or I won't live to see another day ♪

♪ I swear it's true

♪ Because a girl like you is impossible to find ♪

♪ You're impossible to find

♪ I always swore to you I'd never fall apart ♪

♪ You always thought that I was stronger ♪

♪ I may have failed,

but I have loved you from the start ♪

♪ Oh, but hold

♪ Because tonight will be the night

that I will fall for you over again ♪

♪ Don't make me change my mind ♪

♪ I won't live to see another day ♪

♪ I swear it's true

Hi, I'm Hank, and, um...

...I'm an alcoholic.

♪ Deep

♪ Breathe me in

♪ I'm yours to keep

♪ And hold onto

Amoebas have a unique structure that sets them apart

from other single-celled organisms.

♪ Tonight when you're asleep

♪ 'Cause tonight

Hello, my old friend.

♪ That I will fall for you over again ♪

Living in the past, Hank?

You were a bright kid

even if you didn't apply yourself.

♪ I swear it's true

I bet there's a lot more you could offer Eastbrook High.

♪ A girl like you is impossible to find ♪

Fu--

F--f--uh--forget...

Forget your preconceptions about bacterial reproduction

'cause most of it's asexual,

which, you know, you kids should all be,

you know, until true love or whatever.

Um, and use protection.

Okay, let's see what kind of nasty bugs

live in our mouths.

I just need everybody to spit in this...

That's what your mom said.

...Petri dish.

Hey, come on, guys, phones away.

We have important things to do.

-Mr. Wallace? -Yeah, Grace?

What's on our phones is important.

Why aren't we talking about the Ick?

Okay, Grace, let's talk about the Ick.

There's no origin story for Ick.

We didn't watch it arrive on a meteor

or escape from a government lab.

It's just here.

At first, we hardly noticed.

But each day, year by year, it kept growing.

It doesn't move, at least we don't think.

It's stationary as a plant, growing, spreading slowly.

It's omnipresent, but not bothersome enough

that cars can't drive down the street,

people can't go about their usual routines.

Most folks choose to ignore the Ick altogether,

hoping it just goes away,

especially with rumors swirling

that it's starting to attack.

All right, bring up your Petri dishes,

on the desk, please.

Have a good day.

Grace?

How's your mom?

Fine, Mr. Wallace.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

How's your mom?

Dead.

Despite protests by the school safety officer,

this year's prom theme is Millennial.

Get in the problematic spirit

by only consenting to 2000s music.

Did you see Charli's TikTok

about how the egg is pure gluten?

What's gluten?

Check this out, Jazzlyn.

Straight-up video of the asteroid

-that brought the Ick. -That's the scene

from the movie Armageddon.

We have to take this problem seriously,

not turn it into a meme.

Today's school shooter warning is "Starships" by Nicki Minaj.

Look, the Ick is just Frankenfood GMO

set free from a Monsanto lab.

That's why I only eat organic.

Bro!

Cultural appropriate much?

I'm a sixty-fourth Cherokee with receipts,

and I'm telling you Jay Guava wouldn't approve

of your capitalistic colonial mindset, son.

Come on.

I almost lost my appetite.

Principal Mencken reminds us also avoid new growth of the Ick

in the western men's room

and that jokes of it resembling his wife's slimy lady parts

will not be tolerated.

Will Ick affect the primaries?

We're joined now by our political panel.

Clearly, the Ick disproportionately affects

Black and Brown voters.

Well, I heard the Ick started in China.

Bat-eating weirdos.

Maybe the government will send a team to help clean it up.

Well, we're definitely not getting any help

before Vickelsberg.

Hola, Mr. Hank.

Hola, Señorita Diaz.

Mi abuela, she's, uh, how do you say, bruja?

Your grandma likes to make beer?

What a surprise

coming from the Ick-worshiping leftist cabal.

You kid me.

Bruja is a witch.

Mi abuela bruja says the Ick is a gift from the gods

to cure our infernal global warming.

Um, the Ick won't save us, Sofia.

It's vicious.

Are you staring at my boobs?

No, I wasn't staring at your boobs.

That is so inappropriate.

Who's vicious?

You're kidding me again.

The Ick does not move, mi amor.

Well, I know what I saw.

-You sure did, yeah. -Forcing Ick removal

on the American voters is government overreach.

Well, you're right, especially when the data is clear

that vitamin D is an effective--

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

Have some class, you piece of sh--

Prom tickets are now available, and so am I.

Taking all offers, even chubsters.

I'm very lonely.

-Ah! -Tell Griffin

if he takes you to prom,

you'll let him play with your boobs.

Okay. Wait, what? No.

You want to spend another summer

doing steampunk cosplay at the Ren Faire?

How are we friends?

Hi.

Hey.

Whatcha drawing?

Wow, that's really good.

What kind of monkey is that?

Uh, it's a regular monkey.

Ah.

-Prom's coming up... -I'll let you play with my...

Never mind.

This week's Film Club screening

is Béla Tarr's slow cinema masterpiece Sátántangó.

Enjoy seven hours of Hungarians being sad

in black and white.

Or don't.

Because life is short.

Let's go!

You ladies are moving slower than these tar tentacles!

That's racist!

Attaboy.

I'm bored.

Is the Ick gonna do anything?

It's been here, like, two months.

Jazzlyn, the Ick's been here for years.

Huh.

I guess I just never really noticed

what it's doing here.

What's anything doing here?

This town sucks.

Hey!

-You girls smoking? -No.

Eastbrook High's Nature Club reminds you

it's Hug a Tree Day.

The Cancel Club reminds you

to first ask permission from a tree.

Remember, consent first, then hug.

Come on.

This is embarrassing.

Come on!

I'm good, it just takes a second.

♪ 911 GTS...

Wrote a new poem.

Industrial Love Stink Number Three.

Going for that Ginsberg vibe.

I mean, it's whatevs.

I wrote it in, like, 13 seconds,

so, I don't, like, care or anything.

But I'll probably minor in poetry

when we get to Oberlin next year.

-I'm not going. -Babe.

What, you're gonna get off the waitlist?

A waitlist is the slow-motion swipe left

of college admissions.

I'm not leaving Eastbrook.

-I'm staying here. -Guess you just wanna

grow fat and old, eating Velveeta sandwiches

like the rest of the proletariat.

Just drop me off with my parents.

♪ Swing, swing, swing from the tangles of ♪

Hank, heaven knows I hate to jinx a sale,

but doesn't it seem kind of stupid

for a D-R-U-N-K...

...to buy a B-A-R?

Honey, Hank's smarter than he looks.

Thanks.

-I think. -Do you guys think the Ick

is in the plumbing and we're all drinking it?

-Probably. -Congratulations, Hank.

-Cool. -Thank you.

Are we done? Can we go home now?

Grace, don't be rude.

Grace has been down in the dumps

ever since she got waitlisted at Oberlin.

Thanks, Dad.

Tell the world what a loser I am.

There is no shame here.

As an Asian American,

Grace had to score 150 points higher on the SATs

than her Caucasian counterparts

just to be considered for the same Ivy League.

Now she wants to skip college entirely.

Yes, parents, tell me more about me.

Eh, delaying life never really works out.

That's why we see the dentist every six months.

Sage wisdom from your totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown is my totes fave teach.

Mrs. Brown has bleeding gums.

Grace is a Capricorn.

January 10th, she hates unmet goals.

January? I thought Grace was born in February.

Grace is--Grace, are you not a Pisces?

♪ Here I go

♪ Scream my lungs out ♪

Don't tell...

Ted!

We're closed!

Why don't we celebrate?

December, November, October...

Fish? Mercury.

Rice? Carbs.

Chinese?

She was conceived in April, not May.

MSG. All Asian food will kill ya, hon.

-We're Asian, Dad. -I don't think so.

Uh, I...

I don't think that, uh, Asian food is so bad.

You know?

I read it somewhere.

Oh, shoot, well, guess we'll never know.

So, I said to the salesman,

"This doesn't look like Mojave Ivory Metallic to me."

And he said, "Ted, you've got a real nose for detail.

This is Iridium Ivory Metallic.

And since we fouled-up and sold

the Mojave Ivory Metallic

to a coke dealer in Vickelsberg,

you can have the Iridium Ivory Metallic

intended for him, with full bulletproof,

UV-protected windows at no extra charge.

Louis Vuitton pepper spray.

For you to fend off handsy college boys.

Hopefully, you still get to use it.

Think about what you're saying for just, like--

--one goddamn second, Mom.

Grace, wouldn't you agree

you need to invest in your future?

Sweetheart, Dr. Kirk asked you to stop lecturing

in the form of a question.

Darling, do you recall Dr. Kirk asking you

to recognize my need to process information my way?

That's wonderful, dear.

It's delightful having an expert's opinion

on your compulsive need for expensive toys.

Angel, Dr. Kirk says my desire for beautiful things...

...is natural and healthy.

Oh, well, I hope your car doesn't turn

into a pumpkin, Pumpkin.

Jesus!

Stop nice-fighting!

Who cares about tans and luxury cars?

There's a monster on the lawn.

Monster swing?

Huh!

Time for some science.

So, the Ick does move.

UV light.

Fascinating, Captain.

All right, Hank, it's go time.

♪ Stacy's mom has got it goin' on ♪

♪ She's all I want, and I've waited for so long ♪

♪ Stacy, can't you see, you're just-- ♪

Live from NYC, the Ick Challenge.

-What the hell? -Despite the viral

TikTok trend sweeping America,

school health officials ask you to not lick the Ick,

and for the love of God, do not dick the Ick.

This is what we in the industry call

a kick-ass letter of recommendation

from your totes second fave teach,

after Mrs. Gingivitis.

Hm.

Grace, no, it's--it's to help you

get off the waitlist.

My parents must be super desperate

to talk you into this.

Grace, hey, you know The Beatles, right?

-The what? -The Beatles.

The Beatles spent three years in Hamburg, okay?

But do you know how they became the best band in the world?

They had a unique dual songwriting team

in Lennon and McCartney

that accepted constructive criticism,

resulting in albums with few fillers,

alongside innovative marketing

with concept albums and music videos.

That was good.

Grace, you have--you have so much potential.

That's a polite way of saying

I'm not good enough the way I am.

Oh.

Yuck, dude.

You're old.

The participants for the Nonbinary Rally for Haiti

and the Kill All Groomers Bake Sale

must stay 50 yards away from each other.

Rager at my place tonight.

Big bro is buying booze.

Pass it on.

Hey, rager at my place.

You know, Sofia, I've been practicing my Spanish.

I thought maybe perhaps you might tutor me poquito.

Poquito.

Quiero montar esta noche en mi coochie?

Sucio!

Do you use such filthy word to seduce Grace Kim?

Over here.

El coche, coche.

El coochie.

♪ Say it ain't so, I will not go ♪

♪ Turn the lights off, carry me home ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, na, na ♪

Oh, Peyton Meowing?

I didn't know you're still alive.

There you go, buddy.

That's better, right?

Yeah.

Oh, hey, long time, friend,

but the bar is not even open yet.

Don't even have any booze.

Whiskey.

Whiskey.

Okay, one more, but then I'm cutting you off.

Gesundheit.

I'm gonna--I'm gonna call you a doctor, all right?

Stay back!

Hear ye, hear ye,

drink deep this nectar of the gods.

Fear not the plague, use a rubber.

Bro, you gotta tell me which of these bitches

are legal.

Sarah Q., Ashley T., Tia and Tara, Mackenzie G.,

Mackenzie N., Tory, Zoey, Amber...

Why does Mr. Wallace even give a shit anyway?

Who does he think he is?

Maybe she's had enough.

I'm fine.

Why don't you go find Heather?

She is madly in love with you.

Okay?

Don't be a cop.

Oh, thank God! Guys!

Hank Wallace?

-My man! -Guys, you won't believe it.

I can't even explain it, there was a cat, and a man,

and the Ick.

The Ick?

The Ick is harmless.

Hey, why don't you take a ride with us?

We're about to bust up a high school kegger

at the Hobarth boy's house.

And steal their beer.

Party like we're 18 again!

We even brought an old friend.

Behold, the ancient one.

♪ Ah-ah ♪

Oh, well, we did have fun back in the day, boys,

but, uh, I'm gonna have to say

that I'm a little, ah, too old for that these days.

And, you know, just saying this as a friend,

sometimes, you gotta admit when you have a problem.

I'm afraid we cannot allow you to be such a wet blanket!

The old Hank Wallace was a dope bro.

What's with all this wee-wee-wee-wee-wee stuff?

You never turned down the opportunity

to get turnt up.

Not a lot of the old Hank left these days, boys.

But we've got a big surprise for ya.

Hankie.

She's been asking for ya, Hank.

Sofia.

Mr. Hank.

Mi amor.

Uh, I don't think so.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

En Español, por favor.

Just one second.

Parte el pan con el futuro.

No, no, no, gracias, no sex-o!

Come on, Hank, let's go.

Not good, not good!

Come on, Darcy. Come on, Darcy.

Come on!

Please, please, please.

-Stay back! -Come on, Hank.

-Let's relive... -...our glory days.

Oh!

Pretty sure you dicks are possessed.

"Possessed" is an ugly word

for such a beautiful experience.

The Ick sees our value.

We were chosen.

For those it does not value...

...it consumes.

Ah!

Oh, please, God, I'll never root for the Cowboys again--

I didn't finish the sentence, it doesn't count.

It's overwhelming and numbing at the same time.

Yeah.

That's why we've got to leave Eastbrook.

Eastbrook?

No.

I'm talking about the Ick.

I think the Ick is watching us.

Did you see Celeste is rocking cornrows on Insta?

Someone has to stop her.

This isn't a joke, Dylan.

No, it isn't, Grace.

Cultural colonialism is literal violence.

The Ick never stole the hair of my people.

Look, I'm just--I'm gonna go make the rounds.

So, then who were you Snapping?

Was it that nose guard from Vickelsberg?

Backstabbing ho.

Bro...

Oh, my God.

Help!

Help!

Help! Help!

Hey, girl.

Idiot.

Grace, listen to me, the cops are coming

to break up the party at Hobarth's.

If you're there, you need to leave now.

Okay, you're in danger.

And in case I never see you again,

I--I need you to know that I...

I might be your dad.

Hank? Oh, we had sex that one time and, trust me,

you ain't nobody's daddy, okay?

Didn't you say you were moving to Kansas?

-Is this not... -This is Grace McDonald.

Yeah, this is not a good time, I got to go, I'm in Kansas.

♪ So hypnotizing

♪ I am captivated

♪ I am vindicated

♪ I am selfish

♪ I am wrong

♪ I am right

♪ I swear I'm right

♪ Swear I knew it all along

♪ And I am flawed

♪ But I am cleaning up so well ♪

Thanks for saying you liked my monkey.

Your regular monkey?

What are you?

♪ Vindicated

♪ I am selfish, I am right ♪

All right, Darcy, time to remove the heat from you to me.

Nope.

Oh!

Everyone listen!

The Ick is killing people, it's eating them alive.

Everyone has to get to safety.

Mr. Wallace, I know a man who could use a beer

when I see one. Just grab yourself a cup.

Goddammit. Do you kids all wanna be zombies?

And not the cool, sexy kind, like in Harry Potter?

J.K. Rowling sucks.

I'm talking the demonic, soulless type.

Grace, Grace! Get outta here, we gotta go.

What the hell? Take your pervy mitts off her.

Look, Dylan, I don't expect you to understand,

I just have to get her out of here, so, Grace--

Oh. I get it.

You screwed the mom,

now you gotta screw the daughter.

That's some real Freudian noise.

Weird old gimp.

Hey, don't be ableist!

Okay.

Look. Just 'cause you threw a ball

a billion years ago doesn't make you special.

I can throw a ball.

And when I'm gone, someone else'll throw a ball.

Nothing means nothing.

Go!

Grace, please!

Get lost, loser.

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser! Get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser, get lost, loser!

Get lost, loser! Get lost, loser!

Get lost--

Not now! Nap time.

Oh, boo! Right when it was just getting good.

That's gotta hurt.

Am I right?

I think the way Jason talks to you

is totally misogynistic.

I mean, calling you a ho?

Personally, I don't see gender,

but if I did, I would worship women.

That doesn't make any sense.

Gender binary doesn't make sense, baby.

What about Grace?

Monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy

to keep women oppressed and servile.

Now, let's get nasty.

Mm. You are gonna bang a teenager, stud.

Hairball.

How much you gonna miss all these knuckleheads

after we graduate?

Well...my favorite French modernist,

Marcel Achard, said

we give each other memories when we leave each other.

Yeah, I have no idea what you just said.

And that is why you are the coolest girl

in Eastbrook.

Damn! Something just grabbed my leg!

I'm not falling for that again, douche nozzle.

No, I'm serious--

I think I'm going to Vickelsberg next weekend.

I've never been.

It's a Capuchin.

What?

My regular monkey.

It's called a Capuchin.

Oh. I like that.

Ew! Are you eating dairy again?

That wasn't me!

Double eww. Is someone watching you tinkle?

Shh!

Listen up, scumsuck.

Exposing pedos is extremely our shit.

Come on!

Hey.

What the heck?

Mr. Wallace!

Don't let it touch you.

Obviously!

Whoa, Mr. Wallace?

Oh, damn.

Jazzlyn!

I'm sorry I called you a ho.

Radio the governor we detoured to help

the town of...Eastbrook.

And secure the mayor.

Get those kids someplace safe,

and set up command center at--

Hey. What's the most important location

in this town?

Thank you all for being here.

My name is Dr. Althea Prentice,

and I am in charge of the federal Ick response

in this state.

Now, the governor has spoken to your mayor,

and we have been ordered out of Eastbrook

to our main mission.

But we are not abandoning you, Eastbrook.

I'm leaving behind a contingent to fortify this building.

I suggest that you stay inside, though.

Uh, we cannot help you if you go outside.

Deep state.

What could be more important than the taxpayers of Eastbrook?

We're headed to Vickelsberg

to protect their hydroelectric dam.

Dang. Vickelsberg.

Here's what we know so far.

Uh, after decades in stasis,

the Intercellular Kinoplasm, known as Ick,

has reached its kinetic state.

How long will that last?

We don't know for certain,

but we are estimating around, uh, four to eight years.

No, please, people, listen to me, listen to me.

The government cannot save you right now.

Okay? We simply do not have the resources.

Not without raising taxes.

Big-government socialism!

Oh, come on, Coach.

You conned the school out of $5,000

so you could put a Jacuzzi in the boys' locker room.

Oh. So, football is socialism now, Hank?

You make me sick.

People of Eastbrook, listen to me, okay?

Barricade your doors and your windows, okay?

Stop up your sinks and your drains,

and for God's sake, please, again,

do not go outside.

Our kids can still go to prom tomorrow, right?

Uh, yeah, you should definitely cancel prom.

My daughter is going to be prom queen.

How dare you try to take that away from us?

Ma'am, I am not trying to take anything

away from anybody, I am just merely--

You created the...

Misinformation!

Your children died last night.

False flag! Crisis actors!

Ted Kim, Kim Real Estate. If I may?

What?

I think we're all on the same page here, Doctor.

Eastbrookians need our lives to proceed as normal.

Otherwise, the Ick wins.

Wouldn't you agree, Dr. Prentice?

No.

Well, I'm sure we agree that's just your opinion,

and wouldn't you also agree

that we are entitled to our opinions?

Hell, no!

Don't go outside!

But the fact that an average Joe like me

can step up and have his ideas respected

as equal to an expert's,

that's what makes this country really super.

You better get your hands off me.

Listen up, you rubes.

You've gotta take responsibility

for your own--

Okay.

Shit. If Ick wanted to build a mosque,

they'd take it seriously.

Oh! Uh, Dr. Prentice, please--please wait.

You're absolutely right about the dangers of the Ick.

I've experienced them firsthand.

I'm Hank Wallace,

a science teacher here in Eastbrook.

I-I have a theory about the Ick.

Please.

You're right about the Ick going through

a new stage of growth.

But it's also going through a stage

of active cellular respiration.

However, it still maintains a stage of photosynthesis.

Meaning, it still has to hibernate.

That is how we kill the Ick.

See, because it's a eukaryote,

and it collects UV light,

converts it into chemical energy.

But it can't convert and collect at the same time.

That's why it only grows in the dark,

outside and inside.

But UV light, UV light, man,

stops it dead in its tracks.

Wow.

Yeah.

Hold that thought.

Okay.

Phone.

Who you calling?

Hello. Mr. President.

My God.

Yes. Eastbrook's high school science teacher...

Hank Wallace.

...has presented the precise breakthrough

we need to win this whole damn war.

UV light, sir.

No, no one has considered it before.

Oh, I...

You think he deserves a Nobel Prize?

Well, please, sir, transfer me to the King of Sweden.

You can stop now.

Hello? Is this Carl Gustaf?

King of Sweden and presenter of Nobel Prizes?

I'll just--I'll just go.

Sir, what do you mean,

there's no Nobel Prize for super-obvious shit

we figured out from day one?

We know about the UV light, dipshit.

It's a goddamned plant.

Unfortunately, due to our supply chain,

we have a limited quantity of bulbs,

and all of our surplus has been shipped to...

Don't say it.

...Vickelsberg.

♪ Her name is Noelle

♪ I have a dream about her

♪ She rings my bell

♪ I got gym glass in half an hour ♪

♪ Oh, how she rocks

in Keds and tube socks ♪

♪ But she doesn't know who I am ♪

♪ And she doesn't give

What the globalist cucks don't want you to know

is that eating Ick gives men extreme sexual potency!

You will gain tentacle powers!

I'll show you, I'll prove it to you right now.

You gotta take a look at this.

♪ Maybe with me ♪

We're skipping the vaccine.

The Ick boosts all of our immune systems

by releasing positive gut probiotics, or whatever,

into the air.

Oh.

Oh! I... I think I got it on my shoe.

Look, I--I know what you're all gonna say.

"Hank, you're an alcoholic.

What the hell are you doing opening a bar?"

On the contrary, Hank.

We want you to do whatever makes you happy.

Live a little. Let go.

Surrender to a higher power.

Come.

Never crave alcohol again.

Know peace. Know bliss.

Suckle upon me!

Suckle!

Uh, no thanks!

You go ahead.

Ugh, the sun was way too bright today.

Um, I've been thinking, babe.

I support your decision to stay in Eastbrook.

This is a wonderful town.

What's gotten into you?

Why don't we hop in the back seat?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you totally look like shit.

My appearance is all that matters?

So sexually normative, babe.

We shouldn't be out here at night.

That's just Foucault's panopticon.

Fear keeps you from joy.

Stay down, kid.

Look at you, Mr. Wallace.

Hey. You okay?

Wanna ride?

Grace! I'm sorry!

Okay?

Hey!

Go throw a ball, kid.

You know, Grace, uh,

some boys in the animal kingdom...

Gross!

I don't need to hear about the birds and the bees,

Mr. Wallace. I'm 18.

Not the birds and the bees.

The wasp and the tarantula.

The female hawk wasp,

when she is ready to lay her eggs,

she paralyzes the tarantula with her stinger,

then lays her eggs in its abdomen.

When the larva are ready to hatch,

they eat the tarantula from the inside out.

You know what I mean?

That being pregnant is like getting eaten alive

by a parasite?

What I mean is,

I think Dylan is trying to put something inside you.

He's already put it inside me.

Uh...I did not need to hear that.

I think Dylan is infected.

With what?

Did you see his athletic physical?

I swear, if he gave me the clap after he promised...

What's happening?

It's in the engine.

Are you okay?

I think so!

Ow!

Shit's stuck!

We're surrounded.

Please don't post this.

I'm texting my cousin.

He drives a tow truck.

Oh, noice.

Well, in the meantime, we can get to know each other

a little, you know?

Have a...a bonding sesh.

Oh, my God. So awkward.

Well, you know, we might have a lot in common.

You know? Like, um...

What's your fave animal?

Um, mine is--mine's a narwhal. Penguins are also dope.

Keep coming on to me, Mr. Wallace,

and you'll be sorry.

No warning shots.

Grace, I... I could never, ever--

I'm incapable of thinking of you that way.

Oh.

All makes sense now.

It does?

Right?

You're gay.

Hard to believe it used to take an hour over dial-up

to get a video.

Was that before or after your family died of cholera?

Ha-ha, laugh it up.

One day, you'll be explaining Instagram

to your cyborg children.

Got any food?

I'm starving.

Weird.

Oh. Yeah. Well,

never been to a steakhouse?

You know, aged beef, it enhances the tenderness, the flavor?

I can't believe you're a science teacher.

I wanted to be an English teacher,

but all the positions were filled.

There was a wait list.

Not enough science degrees...

That's really lame.

Maybe Daddy!

Are you maybe somebody's baby daddy, Mr. Wallace?

Uh, Grace...

Knock up a cheerleader back in your swinging-dick days?

Shit!

No.

No, this can't be happening.

My asshole dad is my asshole dad,

not this upside-down asshole.

There's no easy way to explain this, Grace.

Uh, but you don't exactly look...

you know, and your dad is... you know?

And you are, you know, and...

You better hold on to something.

So, 18 years later,

it finally occurs to you that I might be your daughter?

I just thought it was impossible.

I-I-I thought that you were conceived too late,

and I figured that half the town could be your father.

Wow.

I just mean that your mom probably had sex with a lot--

Yeah, yeah, I got that, thanks.

Hey, you could just think about me as, like,

your cool uncle, right,

who takes you to Disney World and Planned Parenthood...

Stop it! I'm not some dudebro's fugitive chromosome!

Dudebro? But I--

But nothing. You're not my dad.

And even if you are, you never will be.

Wow.

I'm having, like, total deja vu.

No. Star Wars.

Luke, Darth, father, yeah.

Please, God, say I'm not related to this moron.

You know, I didn't want this,

I didn't mean for this to happen.

Cool.

It never happened.

My cousin's on his way.

Oh, cool, cool.

You know--

-Shut up! -But, um--

We don't have to talk, you know.

-Silence is golden. -Silence is golden.

-But, um-- -Nope!

-Grace? -Shh!

Ick?

Dammit, leave me alone!

You should leave.

No shit!

You should leave Eastbrook,

and you should change your mind about going to college.

Why? I'm not leaving. You leave.

Yeah, I--I tried.

Are you "dadding" me right now?

I know it's scary to think about leaving,

I get that, really, I do.

But big cities are filled with amazing things!

You know, like-- like museums,

and fancy restaurants, and Dave & Buster's.

You are "dadding" me right now.

What do you want with a teenage daughter, anyway?

We're complicated and mean.

I--I don't think I really have much of a choice here.

Will you stop saying that?

Ah, look, do you really wanna be

the only florist with a 1500 on her SATs?

Look, moron.

You can't come into my life after 18 years

and suddenly claim me like a Value Pack coupon.

Where were you when I skinned my knee?

Or when my guinea pig died?

Or when the boy I liked

asked another girl to homecoming?

You can't be Disney Dad, Mr. Wallace.

You don't know shit about me.

And you sure as hell don't know shit about family.

Ick!

Family is why I stayed in Eastbrook.

Don't make the same mistake that I did, Grace.

It took me a long time to realize

that family and Eastbrook are not the same thing.

In fact, Eastbrook kinda sucks.

So does family.

Sometimes.

But, you know, family is kinda like a band,

and Eastbrook is, like, the best band of all time.

The Beatles.

Creed.

It's hard to imagine a more perfect album

than Human Clay...

...but then the band broke up soon after.

The band always breaks up.

But you, Grace,

you are Scott Stapp.

Who the fuck is Creed?

I'm not your daughter.

Are you kidding me, young lady?

Shut up, Dad--ugh, Mr. Wallace!

Uh, the mold.

-What? -The penicillin!

What are you saying?

Penicillin was created when mold got into a petri dish

and released a toxin into the bacteria

that the scientists were growing.

Ha-ha, eat your poison! Ha!

Or not. Not working!

Quick thinking, Dr. Science.

Let it go.

I'll let it go this time, Grace, but cigarettes?

The Ick, you idiot!

Let it go.

Flamethrower, please.

Aggh! I'm out.

Great.

Grace! Are you okay?

Light! Now!

You saved us.

Let's get the hell out of here.

And stay away from my mom, if she ends up single.

♪ I'm looking down now that it's over ♪

♪ Reflecting on all of my mistakes ♪

♪ I thought I found the road to somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere in His grace

♪ I cried out, "Heaven, save me" ♪

♪ But I'm down to one last breath ♪

Have a drink with me, son.

Dad?

How's this...

...possible?

It's the Ick.

It absorbed me into the earth

all those years ago.

This town.

This country.

This whole rotten planet.

It's falling apart at the seams.

The Ick is the thread that will...

...pull it back together.

Well, good luck.

It's gonna take a lot more than some lab-grown goo to--

to fix all that.

Or maybe a bacteria?

Dunno.

Alien.

It's a program, son.

And I'll tell ya what that program is.

Yeah.

A program of chaos

that rewrites itself,

breaks its rules,

creates the fear of the random.

You will never know how it works.

Its goal is contradiction and confusion,

no rhyme or reason,

because it overwhelms.

Some, it devours,

some, it resurrects.

You will ignore it

and do nothing.

From a world of many, we all become Ick.

It can fix anything, son.

Anything.

It can even fix that leg of yours.

It's not my leg that's broken.

Look. About last night, I...

Not your first swing and miss.

What I wanna know is why nobody cares

that we're in danger.

Danger from what?

The Ick attacked me.

Babe, the Ick attacked everyone.

Just in: The cafeteria staff regretfully inform us

today's scheduled lunch, brown meatballs in dark gravy,

will no longer be served.

Instead, they will serve brown meatballs in yellow gravy.

The very best moments of my life were on this field,

and the very worst.

Dreams of going to college, NFL.

Owning a mansion in Beverly Hills,

a vacation house in France.

And a series of Viagra commercials,

wearing a flannel, chopping wood,

over a crystal-blue lake.

And you.

I lost it all right here.

Don't get so dramatic.

Is Grace my daughter?

What? No!

Is that why you dragged me out here? Ugh.

Staci. Just wait, please.

Can...

Hank.

Can you just give me this one thing, please,

and just tell me that's possible.

It's absolutely impossible.

Wait.

You know, actually--

Jesus!

Something's got me!

Grace, don't ever think my death was your fault.

I've wanted this for a long time.

Consider me a cautionary tale.

Don't repeat my mistakes.

Find happiness wherever you can.

Grab it,

and never let go.

Ted freaking Kim.

♪ You can see right through me

♪ So let me go and you will find someone ♪

Hello, Eastbrook High!

We're gonna start this night off right!

This next song takes me back to 2002.

Paris Hilton recorded her first sex tape,

and America was still reeling from 9/11.

Never forget!

What a prick.

Live and let live.

Nice shirt!

You think maybe we should barricade the doors,

you know, in case of the Ick?

Oh, the government will take care of it.

The Ick is an agent of natural selection.

Next generation's going to be faster, smarter,

we'll probably get some good cornerbacks out of it.

This next joy is for all the lovers out there.

This is the song your parents conceived you to.

"Baby, the rubber broke."

"Baby, there was no rubber."

Ugh.

♪ Hey there Delilah

Heather, ask him to dance, now.

♪ I'm a thousand miles away, but, girl, tonight-- ♪

Would you like to--

Love to.

I'm...I'm not going to Oberlin next year.

What?

I'm staying here.

I want to be with you forever.

♪ Don't you worry about the distance ♪

♪ I'm right there if you get lonely ♪

♪ Give this song another listen close your eyes ♪

Goddamn, this song rips.

♪ Listen to my voice its my disguise ♪

♪ I'm by your side

Grace...

♪ Oh, it's what you do to me

♪ Oh, it's what you do to me ♪

♪ Oh, it's what you do to me

♪ Oh, it's what you do to me, what you do to me, oh ♪

Hey!

Hank!

What the heck are you wearing?

Ted, you've gotta get out of here.

No can do, buddy.

I've gotta make sure the kids do Dairy Queen

and get home safe.

That's an EDM outfit isn't it?

Ted, the Ick is coming.

The Ick?

It's already here.

Besides, where will we go?

It's everywhere else, too.

Ted, just...just get my daughter to safety.

You have a daughter?

Maybe.

Ted...

About Staci...

♪ When his sight goes red again ♪

Ted, is Grace my daughter?

Hank, we're gonna die.

Maybe now's a good time to get something off your chest.

Yeah, the Ick!

Aw, dammit.

The windows are UV-protected.

Screw you, Mercedes!

I'll break the glass.

Bulletproof glass.

Who needs bulletproof glass in Eastbrook?

He threw it in free, fuck Mercedes.

Look, Hank, about Grace, she's--

No!

No?

No for Ick, or no for Grace?

Yes!

Yes for which?

Ted?

♪ Let the wave

Jen Gabriel, you have really developed.

America needs its traditions.

Babe, don't you love me?

I'm staying in Eastbrook for you.

Dylan...

You're right, babe,

we need to fix this town, not run from it.

No.

Are you serious?

Grace, don't have sex with him.

Are you serious?

You can have sex with a million men

-if that's what you want. -It's not.

Just not with him, okay?

He is Ick.

The old white guy

saving the virginity of a helpless female?

Really?

I'm okay with it.

That's smashmouth football, kid.

Sorry about your prom.

You let go! Ow!

I tested positive for the Ick,

and I'll tell you, that's how I'm feeling.

Hey, Grace, I really do want you to have

a meaningful and safe relationship with boys,

you know, I--

So not the time for this talk.

They say we're infected, but I'll tell you,

they're the ones who are truly infected.

Infected by anger, by pain, insecurity, jealousy, fear--

Inside.

No more playing around, Grace.

It's time to embrace our future.

Hey!

Hey, kid, this might sting a little.

Mr. Wallace.

I'm going to reach down your throat,

squeeze your colon, and pull you inside out.

You know what your problem is, Dylan?

You're a phony.

You haven't read half the shit you quote.

You summarize from Wikipedia

and wield wokeness like a weapon.

You're a sad, pathetic asshole without an original thought.

You're just like everyone else.

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Yeah, I know, you might be my dad,

you told me already.

No, it's about your real parents.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, we're gonna die.

-Not here. -Where?

No, I mean, we're leaving Eastbrook.

Alive.

You and me...

...and the regular monkey.

No! Ugh!

I-I lost my parents, too.

And I know it feels like the heartbreak will never end,

but, um, I'm here for you, Grace.

Heather! Griffin!

You're a couple!

Mr. Wallace.

Come on.

All right.

We're going to get out of here, and find someplace safe.

Halogen, the stadium lights emit UV radiation.

Not as much as the sun, or black light,

but hopefully enough to keep us safe.

Arm yourselves.

Whatever you can carry, but get ready for a fight.

Come on.

You could've just opened it.

I mean, that was super dramatic and all, but--

Now I have to crawl over broken glass.

All right.

Patch the wires, flip all the switches.

Where are you going?

I have to go back out, turn on the circuit breakers.

Without them, there's no power flowing to the halogens.

Oh!

Good luck.

Don't die.

That was super weird.

Are you and Mr. Wallace...

It's complicated.

None of my business.

You can do better.

Ick!

I'm done.

Come on, Mr. Wallace!

Nope, so much nope.

Oh, Hank.

Thanks for looking after our little girl.

Hi, sweetie.

Time to join...

...with Mommy and Daddy.

-You all right? -I guess.

You know, relatively.

Come to the lights.

I want it to be over,

he's dead, he should be at peace.

It's not him, Grace.

Everything's gonna be okay.

-Grace? -Grace!

Grace, you have to wake up, Grace!

What's going on?

The Ick pulled out the ground under the lights.

We have to go!

Higher ground.

Run!

Go!

Come on, come with me. Hurry up!

Mr. Wallace!

Look! The sun!

Keep going! We can make it!

What the hell is that?

It's a capuchin!

A capu-what?

Cool.

Where are you going, Grace?

It's Dylan! It's too fast!

Let go!

Shut up Dad--I mean, Mr. Wallace, whoever you are!

We've got you, Mr. Wallace.

I've been shipping them forever.

Oh, come on.

Real quick. Second base.

Grace, I need to tell you something.

Whether or not you're my actual daughter,

I'm so proud of you.

I am so grateful...

...that you're in my life.

So grateful.

Are we done now or...?

Hey! High school okay?

Definitely not.

Y'all hear what happened to Vickelsberg?

Dam broke. Whole town was washed away.

Dang... Vickelsberg.

What now?

No idea.

So, how's the new job?

Lucrative. Yeah.

Turns out all the economy needed was mass suffering.

I'm leaving.

Yeah. I figured.

After all this time, I still don't know

what to call you. Mr. Wallace? Dad?

Totes fave teach?

Eh, I don't know.

Well, technically we still don't know.

Maybe it's better not to know.

Yeah. Maybe it's not.

Like father like maybe daughter.

Hey, Hank! I knew you'd be here.

Got something for you, hold on. Here, catch!

Oh, come on!

Thought you played football?

I was a quarterback!

The government's in turmoil.

Nobody's seen the president in two months.

And yet... the mailman delivers.

Neither rain nor sleet nor Ick.

I mailed it in.

Grace, wha--

Are you ready?

No. But, what the hell? Let's open it anyway.

♪ Can you take me higher?

♪ To a place where blind men see ♪

♪ Can you take me higher?

♪ To a place with golden streets ♪