Original subtitles

Listen to yourself, Bob.

You follow her to work.

You eavesdrop on her calls.

You open her mail.

The minute you started doing these things

the relationship was over.

Thank you for your call.

Roz, I think we have time for one more.

Yes, Dr. Crane.

On line four, we have Russell from Kirkland.

Hello, Russell.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

Well, I've been feeling sort of, you know, depressed lately.

My life's not going anywhere.

It's not that bad.

It's just the same old apartment

the same old job...

Russell, we're just about at the end of our hour.

Let me see if I can cut to the chase

by using myself as an example.

Six months ago, I was living in Boston.

My wife had left me, which was very painful.

Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

On top of that

my practice had grown stagnant

and my social life consisted of...

well, hanging around a bar night after night.

You see, I was clinging to a life

that wasn't working anymore

and I knew I had to do something... anything...

So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things

and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle.

Go, Seahawks!

I took action, Russell, and you can, too.

Move, change, do something.

If it's a mistake, do something else.

Will you do that, Russell?

Will you?

Russell?

I think we lost him.

No, we cut to the news 30 seconds ago.

For crying out loud!

I finally bare my soul to all of Seattle

and they're listening

to Chopper Dave's Rush Hour Roundup.

Well, the rest of the show was pretty good.

It was a good show, wasn't it?

Here. Your brother called.

Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance.

Tell me what you think.

Did I ever tell you what this little button does?

I am not a piece of Lalique.

I can handle criticism.

How was I today?

Let's see.

You dropped two commercials

you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air

you scrambled the station's call letters

you spilled yogurt

on the control board, and you kept referring to Jerry

with the identity crisis as Jeff.

You say my brother called?

Mm-hmm.

So I said to the gardener, "Yoshi

"I do not want a Zen garden in my backyard.

"If I want to rake gravel every ten minutes

"to maintain my inner harmony

I'll move to Yokohama."

This offends him, so he starts

pulling up Maris' prized camellias by the handful

Well, I couldn't stand for that

so I marched right into the morning room

and locked the door

until he cooled down.

Tell me you would have handled it differently. Frasier.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

I didn't realize you'd stopped talking.

You haven't heard a word I said.

Oh, Niles, you're a psychiatrist.

You know what it's like

to listen to people prattling on endlessly

about their mundane lives.

Touche. And, on that subject, I heard your show today.

And?

You know what I think about pop psychiatry.

Yes, I know what you think about everything.

When was the last time you had an unexpressed thought?

I'm having one now.

You guys ready?

Two cafe latte supremos.

No, thank you.

So, Frasier, how are you doing on your own?

I'm fine.

I love my new life.

I love the solitude.

I miss Frederick like the dickens, of course.

He's quite a boy.

He's playing goalie on the peewee soccer team now.

Chip off the old block.

You hated sports.

So does he.

The fresh air is good for him.

This has been fun, Frasier, but...

we have a problem

and that's why I thought we should talk.

Is it Dad?

Afraid so. One of his old buddies

from the police force called this morning.

He went over to see him and found him on the bathroom floor.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. He's fine.

What... his hip again?

Frasier, I don't think he can live alone anymore.

What can we do?

Well, I know this isn't going

to be anyone's favorite solution

but I took the liberty

of checking out a few convalescent homes for him.

Niles, a home? He's still a young man.

Well, you certainly can't take care of him.

You're just getting your new life together.

Absolutely. Well, besides, we were never simpatico.

Of course, I can't take care of him.

Yes, yes, of course, of course. Why?

Because dad doesn't get along with Maris.

Who does?

I thought you liked my Maris.

I do.

I like her from a distance.

You know, the way you like the sun.

Maris is like the sun...

except without the warmth.

Well, then, we're agreed about what to do with Dad.

"Golden Acres... We care so you don't have to."

It says that?

Well

it might as well.

All right, I'll make up the spare bedroom.

You're a good son, Frasier.

Oh, God, I am, aren't I?

Two cafe supremos.

Anything to eat?

No. I seem to have lost my appetite.

I'll have a large piece of cheesecake.

Hi!

We finally made it.

Ah, Dad, Dad...

welcome to your new home.

You look great.

Don't BS Me.

I do not look great.

I spent Monday on the bathroom floor.

You can still see the tile marks on my face.

Gives you some idea

about the ride over in the car.

Well, here we are.

Rest assured, the refrigerator is stocked

with your favorite beer... Ballantine...

And we've got plenty of hot links and coleslaw.

And I just rented a Charles Bronson movie for later.

Let's cut the welcome-to-Camp-Crane speech.

We all know why I'm here.

Your old man can't be left alone for ten minutes

without falling on his ass, and Frasier got stuck with me.

Isn't that right?

No. No.

I want you here.

It will give us a chance to get reacquainted.

That implies we were acquainted at one point.

Well...

listen, why don't I take Dad's things

into his new bachelor quarters

so you two scoundrels can plan some high jinks?

I think that wife of his is driving him nutso.

Yes, we Crane boys...

sure know how to marry them.

Let me get you a beer, Dad.

So, what do you think of what I've done with the place, huh?

Every item here was carefully selected...

This lamp by Corbu, the chair by Eames

and this couch is an exact replica

of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier.

Nothing matches.

It's a style of decorating.

It's called "eclectic."

Well, the theory behind it is

if you've got really fine pieces of furniture

it doesn't matter if they match... they will go together.

It's your money.

Dad, what do you think of that view?

That's the Space Needle there.

Thanks for pointing that out.

Being born and raised here, I never would have known.

Delivery for Martin Crane.

Oh, in here.

Coming through.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Wait a minute.

Where do you want it?

Where's the TV?

It's in that credenza.

Point it at that thing.

What about this chair?

The chair? Here. Let me get it out of your way.

Niles, Niles! Be careful with that.

That's a Wassily!

Dad, as dear as I'm sure this piece is to you

I just don't think it goes with anything here.

I know.

It's eclectic.

Niles... Niles, will you help me out here?

You'll have to run an extension cord over here

so I can plug in

the vibrating part.

Yes, yes. That will be the crowning touch.

Well, now that you two are settled in, I've got to run.

I'm late for my dysfunctional family seminar.

Dad, have you mentioned Eddie yet?

Eddie?

Ta-ta.

Oh, no, Dad, no, not Eddie.

But he's my best friend.

Get me my beer, will you?

But he's weird.

Gives me the creeps.

All he does is stare at me.

Aw, it's just your imagination.

No, Dad, no. I'm sorry, but I am putting my foot down.

Eddie is not moving in here.

S, there you are.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Just as I was leaving, Dad decided to cook lunch

by the glow of the small kitchen fire.

Oh, Niles

this last week with Dad...

It's been a living hell.

When I'm there, I feel like my territory's being violated.

When I'm not, I'm worried about what he's up to.

Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck.

I've got to do something to calm down.

Double espresso, please.

Niles, you don't still have the brochures from those...

those rest homes, do you?

Of course, I do.

Don't forget, Maris is five years older than I am.

But do you really think that's necessary?

I'm afraid I do.

I don't have my life anymore.

Tuesday night, I gave up

my tickets to the theater... Wednesday, it was the symphony.

That reminds me.

Weren't you going to the opera on Friday?

Yes. Here.

Thank you.

Niles, you don't suppose there's a chance

that you and Maris could...

Funny you should mention that.

Maris and I were just discussing this.

We feel we should do more to share the responsibility.

You mean you'd take him in?

Dear God, no.

But we would be willing

to help you pay for a home care worker.

A what?

You know. Someone who cooks and cleans

and can help Dad

with his physical therapy.

These angels exist?

I know of an agency. Let me arrange for them

to send a few people over to meet with you.

Niles, I can't thank you enough.

I feel this overwhelming urge to hug you.

Remember what Mom always said...

"A handshake is as good as a hug."

Wise woman.

I have never been more impressed

with a human being in my life.

Now, what was wrong with that one?!

She was casing the joint.

Casing the joint.

She spent two years with Mother Teresa.

Well, if I were Mother Teresa, I'd check my jewelry box.

This is the last one.

Can you please try to keep an open mind?

Oh, hello.

Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin.

I'm Daphne. Daphne Moon.

Frasier Crane.

Please come in. Thank you.

This is my father, Martin Crane.

Dad, this is Daphne Moon.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, and who might this be?

That is Eddie.

I call him Eddie Spaghetti.

Oh, he likes pasta?

No, he has worms.

Have a seat, Miss Moon.

Daphne. Thank you.

Oh, will you look at that?

What a comfy chair.

It's like I always say

start with a good piece and replace the rest

when you can afford it.

Yes, well, perhaps you should start

by telling us a little bit about yourself, Miss Moon?

Well, I'm originally from Manchester, England.

Oh, really? Did you hear that, Dad?

I'm three feet away.

There's nothing wrong with my hearing.

I've only been in the U.S. for a few months

but I have quite an extensive background

in home care and physical therapy

as you can see from my resume.

I...

You were a policeman, weren't you?

Yeah. How did you know?

I must confess, I'm a bit psychic.

It's nothing big.

Just little things I sense about people.

I mean, it's not like I can pick the lottery.

If I could, I wouldn't be talking

to the likes of you two

now, would I?

Yes.

Perhaps I should describe the duties around here.

You would be responsible for...

Oh, wait a minute.

I'm getting something on you.

You're a florist.

No. I'm a psychiatrist.

Well, it comes and goes.

Usually it's strongest during my time of the month.

Oh, I guess I let a little secret out there

didn't I?

It's safe with us.

Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned just about

all we need to know about you... and a dash extra.

You're a dog, aren't you?

Well, we'll be calling you, Miss Moon.

Why wait? You got the job.

Oh, wonderful.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Aren't you forgetting a little something here?

Don't you think we should talk about this in private?

Of course you should.

I completely understand.

I'll just pop into the loo.

You do have one, don't you?

Yes.

Oh, I love America.

Dad, what do you think you're doing?

You wanted me to pick one. I picked one.

But she's a kook. I don't like her.

Well, what difference does it make to you?

She's only going to be here when you're not.

Then what's my problem?

Daphne...

you've been retained.

Oh, wonderful.

I had a premonition.

Quelle surprise.

I'll move me things in tomorrow.

Oh, move in? Oh, I'm sorry.

There must be some misunderstanding.

This isn't a live-in position.

Oh, dear. Well, the lady at the agency...

The lady at the agency was wrong.

This is just a part-time position.

I'm afraid it just won't work out.

Hold on, there, Frasier.

Let's talk about this.

Dad, there's nothing to discuss.

You two should talk about this

so I'll just pop back in here

and enjoy some more of your African erotic art.

Daphne, I think it would be best if you leave.

Oh, well, all right then.

Don't be alarmed.

We'll contact you.

If not by telephone, then through the toaster.

Dad, I'm not having another person

living in this house.

Give me one good reason why not.

Well, for one thing, there's no room for her.

What about that room right across the hall from mine?

My study? You expect me to give up my study?

The place where I read?

Where I do my most profound thinking?

Use the can like the rest of the world.

You'll adjust.

I don't want to adjust.

I've done enough adjusting.

I'm in a new city. I've got a new job.

I'm separated from my little boy...

Which, in itself, is enough to drive me nuts...

And now my father and his dog are living with me.

Well, that's enough on my plate, thank you.

The whole idea of getting somebody in here

was to help ease my burden, not to add to it.

You hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.

Oh, Dad. Dad, you're twisting my words.

I meant burden in its most positive sense.

As in, "Gee, what a lovely burden?"

Something like that, yes.

Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here, you know.

Two years ago, I'm sailing toward retirement

and some punk robbing a convenience store

puts a bullet in my hip.

Next thing you know

I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these.

Well, I had plans, too, you know.

And this may come as a shock to you, sonny boy

but one of them wasn't living with you.

I'm just trying to do the right thing here.

I'm trying to be the good son.

Don't worry, son.

After I'm gone, you can live guilt-free

knowing you've done right by your papa.

You think that is what this is all about? Guilt?

Isn't it?

Of course it is!

But the point is, I did it. I took you in.

And I got news for you...

I wanted to do it, because you're my father.

And how do you repay me?

Ever since you moved in here

it's been a snide comment about this

or a smart little put-down about that.

Well, I've done my best to make a home here for you.

And once... just once... Would it have killed you

to say thank you?

One lousy thank you.

Come on, Eddie.

It's past your dinnertime.

I'm going out.

They have got to move the bathroom closer to the studio!

We'll be right back after these messages.

Can't I put that on tape?!

What's eating you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just this thing with my father

and this person he wants to hire.

I thought I'd started my life with a clean slate...

I had a picture of what it was going to be like...

And then... I don't know.

Ever heard of Lupe Velez?

Who?

Lupe Velez.

The movie star in the '30s?

Well...

her career hit the skids

so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality.

She figured If she couldn't be remembered for her movies

she'd be remembered for the way she died

and all Lupe wanted was to be remembered.

So, she plans this lavish suicide...

Flowers, candles, silk sheets

white satin gown, full hair and makeup... the works.

She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed

and imagines how beautiful she's going to look

on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper.

Unfortunately

the pills don't set well with the enchilada combo plate

she sadly chose as her last meal.

She stumbles

to the bathroom, trips, and goes headfirst into the toilet

and that's how they found her.

Is there a reason you're telling me this?

Yes.

Even though things may not happen like we planned

they can work out anyway.

Remind me again

how it worked for Lupe

last seen with her head in the toilet.

All she wanted was to be remembered.

Will you ever forget that story?

We're back.

Roz, who's our next caller?

We have Martin on line one.

He's having a problem with his son.

Hello, Martin.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

I'm a first-time caller.

Welcome to the show.

How can I help you?

I just moved in with my son, and, uh...

it ain't working.

There's a lot of tension between us.

I can imagine.

And why do you think that's so?

I guess I didn't see

he had a whole new life planned for himself

and I kind of got in the way.

Well, these things are a two-way street.

Perhaps your son wasn't sensitive enough

to see how your life was changing.

You got that right!

I've been telling him that ever since I got there!

I'm sure he appreciated your candor.

Well, maybe sometimes

I ought to just learn how to keep my trap shut.

That's good advice for us all.

Anything else?

Yeah. I'm worried my son doesn't know

that I really appreciate what he's done for me.

Why don't you tell him?

You know how it is with fathers and sons.

You have trouble saying that stuff.

Well, if it helps

I suspect your son already knows how you feel.

Is that all?

Yeah, I guess that's it.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

My pleasure, Martin.

You hear what I said?!

I said thank you!

Yes, I heard.

Uh... Dr. Crane?

We have Claire on line four.

She's having a problem getting over a relationship.

Hello, Claire.

I'm listening.

I'm a... well, I'm a mess.

Eight months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up

and I just can't get over it.

The pain isn't going away.

It's like I'm in mourning or something.

Claire, you are in mourning

but you're not mourning the loss of your boyfriend.

You're mourning the loss

of what you thought your life was going to be.

Let it go.

Things don't always work out how you planned.

That's not necessarily bad.

Things have a way of working out anyway.

Have you ever heard of Lupe Velez?

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night, Seattle! We love you!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org