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Attention!

Sit.

Good morning, gentlemen.

You men have been carefully chosen

from many applicants

to advance your careers in this top security

highly classified and totally misunderstood

Department of the United States Defense's effort.

You have all successfully

and without fear of the unknown..

...courageously..

...subjected yourselves to tests

A common cold, polio, diphtheria, the Hong-Kong flu

Montezuma's revenge, dysentery.

Oh, I can go on and on and on.

Today you're moving up.

Graduating to a new level in your careers.

The opportunity to be part of the test

of chemical warfare's newest gas developments.

You'll be able to prove..

...Department of Defense

United States Army

Joint Chiefs of..

That damned Air Force.

You are going to help prove to the Department of the Defense

the United States Army, the Joint Chiefs of Staffs

to the entire world..

...that we, the Chemical Corp

are the champions of the only form of humane warfare.

We don't want to kill the enemy.

We just want to make him a little sick.

Now, I want you to meet..

...a soldier of soldiers, pride of the Chemical Corp.

This man has given 15 years of dedicated

unselfish, loyal service to humanity.

Private Dudley Frapper.

It is indeed a privilege and a great honor to serve you

the United States Armed Forces and our country, sir.

And today, this man..

...will be the first to participate

in the testing of the newest

and the most effective gas ever created.

GZS-II.

Which some irresponsible journalists

have already sarcastically named"The Red Death."

But what we in chemical warfare would prefer

to call"Happy Dreams."

So, today, Private Frapper will once again

make his contribution.

'A giant contribution to peace for all mankind.'

'Isn't that wonderful? Look at that, it's perfect.'

- 'Perfect!' - 'This is not to smile at.'

I'm smiling because the test is a success.

It is not.

He should have lost motor control

by the time he reached the outer circle.

- He did! - He did not.

I want another test.

Alright.

Frapper will be ready in two days.

I don't know about Frapper.

He's getting chemically imbalanced.

Developing certain immunities.

He doesn't look immune to me.

Excuse me, sir.

Then I, I lost..

...control of my elbow joints.

Couldn't raise my arms.

My knees went next.

I was nauseous.

- Choking. - Excellent.

'My vision was all blurry, minimum.'

My nose was running.

You haven't eaten, private.

No appetite, ma'am.

Appetite is unimportant.

This is part of the chemical experiment. Now eat.

My taste buds are shot.

Everything tastes the same, flat.

Your vision was impaired, partially blurring?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, I was nearly unconscious.

And my body was twitching.

And then..

...a very peculiar thing happened, sir.

- I got an erection. - 'Good man.'

'I-I haven't had any one of those for two years'

due to the decontamination.

- Scrub team noticed it? - I don't know.

Let me see if it's here.

What do you think caused that, sir?

Well, that gas probably affected your involuntary muscles

which controls your blood vessels.

So, on a.. the condition you described to me

was just a pack of spongy tissue, that's all.

Spongy tissue?

- Colonel Sir. - How is Frapper?

Well? Good progress.

- Thank you, sir. - Colonel.

Well, I hope his condition is satisfactory?

Can we gas him tomorrow?

He's gas-able.

Uh-huh.

Sir.

I recommend that Private Frapper not be used

for any test proboscis for at least two weeks.

Give him a chance to build up his strength.

Well, I suppose we'll let Private Frapper

then decide when he's ready.

How did the...the film on GZS test go, sir?

I loved it. I loved it.

He's the cream of the Chemical Corp.

'Oh, thank you, sir. I love my work.'

It's challenging--

Now you talk about challenge.

There's another experiment I need you on.

The new nerve gas variation.

The Pinto model?

Gran Torino.

Wow! I can..

...hardly wait to..

...try that one, sir.

- Dudley. What do you say? - Hey, there, Chops.

I didn't know you were with me on this.

Yeah. How about that?

I thought you preferred the bacterial archidose.

I...no, I got sick and tired

of having the bubonic plague all the time, you know.

What the hell is all this shit?

Oh, it's a combination of a mustard gas

and a new nerve agent.

This is the skin test.

They're running dysentery over in lab 12.

You should've volunteered for it.

Oh, no kidding.

I didn't know that. Damn it.

I'd love the dysentery test, you know?

But, uh, the colonel said that if I did this one

it would, uh, you know speed up my, speed up my

speed up my p-parole.

Never did ask you why they put you in prison?

Armed robbery.

'How much time did you get?'

Uh-uh, seven, seven the ten.

If they let me go after this one

it'll mean I served four. I sprained his neck.

What you think he'll do when you get out?

I don't know.

How much longer are you-you gonna be

in the army?

I've done 15 years already.

Another five, I'm eligible to my retirement.

You-you, you gonna put up this shit five more years?

More actually, you see..

I'm-I'm, I intend to be a thirty-thirty year man.

Um, no..

It must be nice to be able to...plan your life that away.

The army's been very good to me.

Gives me a sense ofsecurity.

Security?

You gotta be... out of your freaking mind.

Think of..

What kind of future is this?

Think of it..

...as acontribution

topeace

in theworld.

Order number one!

Ready!

Load!

Fire!

'Order number two.'

'Ready!'

'Load!'

'Fire!'

'Order number three.'

'Ready! Load!'

'Fire!'

'Shouldn't have been tipping yet. The mask is defective.'

'It's not the mask, it's Dudley Frapper.'

'He's ruining my tests.'

He's too unstable.

Frapper is stable.

I want him out of the chemical program.

Now, he can cause millions of dollars worth of mistakes.

Frapper does not make mistakes.

Do you want to take the responsibility?

- Discharge? - 'For medical reasons.'

What do you mean medical re-reasons..

...sir?

Here's the medical report.

Reads like the kindest thing we could do for you

would be to put you to sleep.

But, sir, I don't want a discharge.

I wish the Chemical Corps had a thousand more like you.

Only healthy.

Sir, transfer me into another branch.

The Green Berets.

Frapper, when you are out, you are out.

Out of the entire army.

Sir, I'm-I'm, I'm due for my pension in five years, sir.

Couldn't you find me a job on the base?

Anything, so I can hang around for another five years.

The army, Frapper, is not a place to hang around.

Look, on the positive side..

Don't overlook the tremendous contribution

you've made to this program.

You got any idea how many mice and rats, birds, uh, guinea pigs

rabbits, monkeys, beagles..

...have been spared because of you?

I couldn't even approximate, sir.

The army doesn't approximate.

The army knows exactly.

And the army shows it's appreciation

by taking care of it's own.

You may not be getting a pension

but you're getting something better.

Disability payments.

I never..

...thought of myself as being disabled, sir.

Then think disabled!

The adjudication committee ruled you 30 percent disabled.

Every month Dr. Sam is gonna

send you a whopping cheque for $77.

That isn't very much, sir.

Frapper..

...you like spaghetti?

- I used to, sir. - Mm-hmm.

Won't $77 each month

buy you one hell of a lot of spaghetti?

More than I need, sir.

Get yourself a job, the 77 is marinara sauce.

Sir, my 30 percent disability

takes into account impaired vision, hearing, lungs.

- 'Things like that.' - That's correct.

But does it take into consideration my hair-loss, sir?

I don't see how a couples of patches

of bare skull's gonna disable you.

What I'm saying, sir, is when I entered the service

I had a completely normal healthy head of hair.

And due to service connected activities

patches are falling out, I have this permanent shock

I feel entitled to an additional one percent disability.

Alright, the army will provide you with GI-wig.

How about my loss of appetite, sir?

Every food tastes the same.

How about one percent for my taste buds?

Taste buds?

Well, I have to research that one.

It's due to biological experiments, colonel.

I have suffered from anthrax, malaria

blastomycosis, cryptomycosis

'collar, glanders, rickets'

parrot fever, rabbit fever, shingles, yellow jack, sheep--

'Okay, okay.'

Geez!

- How much you want for the lot? - Twenty percent, sir.

I'm sure the navy would give me twenty-five.

The army will give you ten.

Go fifteen.

Twelve is top.

You got yourself a good deal, sir.

Alright, shall we add up the package here?

Well, I have one more item, sir, and it's a rather large one

which is not exactly the best way to describe it.

What is the best way?

Impotent, sir.

What?

Impotence.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Trying to claim a sexual disability!

I mean, if you had a shot off.

Or if you were a real stud when you enlisted

I'd be the first to give you a 100 percent disability.

For all I know, you're queer.

Oh-oh-oh, I'm sorry. I apologize.

Okay.

We'll accept it.

You had reasonable sexual horse power when you enlisted

and somewhere along the highway

of chemical and biological warfare your crankshaft cracked.

So, put this package together, uh, see what we got?

We're talking about..

...twelve percent for that medley diseases.

One percent hair-loss.

Well, alright, one for taste buds.

I'll give you..

...six for your dead dick.

'That's 20 percent.'

'And plus 30, that's up to a grand total of 50 percent.'

That's a 149 smackers a month.

For a single guy?

Thank you, sir.

Uh, Frapper, how many times have you been on the brink of death?

So many times, sir, I stopped counting.

Uh-huh, and how many times

have we managed to pull you out of it?

- A similar amount I think, sir. - Uh-huh.

Personnel into the thousands.

Doctors, nurses, decontamination crews

have saved your life again and again and again.

Ad nauseam, you'd be dead without them.

Frapper..

You owe us.

I agree, sir.

Your disability is hereby readjusted to 40 percent

in their honor.

That's a $106 a month, non-taxable.

Plus, permanent out-patient status.

You'll be coming out on the base every week for shots and study.

Plus, all medicine and drugs.

Plus, burial allowances and a grave-marker.

Plus, a GI-wig, that will have every whore

in Salt Lake city chasing after you.

Let's face it, soldier, you've got it made.

Frapper..

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, that's very gratifying, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, I'm gonna miss seeing you out there, you know.

Out in the field and..

Well, a cloud of gas comes and settles on you and you..

...you do that wonderful little dance, you know.

Don't you feel any bitterness?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll know better when I step outside the gates.

What kind of job are you looking for?

Well, something challenging and interesting.

I'm thinking of buying a van and doing some hauling.

Well, I've got a month's leave coming.

I hope you get settled.

Thanks, Scottie.

But I can handle that myself.

It was a terrific life.

I guess I am bitter.

What kind of work was it that you did in the Chemical Corps?

Oh, it-it was highly classified work.

I can't talk about it.

Well, ah, if you want to find the same kind of work here

you'll have to tell me what it was.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.

My allegiance is to the US of A.

'If you could just tell me what openings you have'

I could tell you which one's..

...I could fill.

Why don't you fill out this

application form over there at the table?

Over there?

What happened?

Jus-jus-just a slight ca-ca-case of ma-ma-ma-malaria.

This is not my size. You're hurting my little toe.

Please close your mouth.

Listen, you're spreading

germs all over the place.

Please cover your mouth.

Ooh...eh..

Let-let go.

- Shoo. - It's over. It's okay.

'This is KOSL FM, Salt Lake City.'

* Now that we're in love *

* The world's a lovelier place *

* Now that we're in love *

* It has a smile on it's face *

* Every night *

* Each day is Valentine's Day *

Well done. Take care of yourself.

And, uh, you'll have to lay off dairy.

Dudley, one before breakfast and one after dinner.

* You sigh and violins play *

* Now that you're *

Got to get your case reviewed.

I mean, you can't even hold a job.

They're going to pay for what they've done to you.

Boy, guess they're more bitter about this than me.

I've been on the verge of death so many times

I learn to take it as it comes.

Well, don't.

There's taking, and then there's taking.

And they are taking advantage of you.

If they don't give you what you deserve

you mustdemandit.

Oh, you know me.

I'm not that kind of person.

* Shangri-La, Eden *

* Yes heaven and paradise too *

I have a pass for this weekend.

And I'm gonna be bringing something very special.

And I'm sure..

Lieutenant Hallam, you're needed.

You're due for an upswing.

'Advance and be recognized!'

You're recognized.

Guess what.

What?

Ta-dah!

- For me? - For you.

N2O?

Nitrogen Monoxide?

L-laughing gas.

What's the matter? My condition isn't funny enough?

"The Dental Journal" says that in some cases

it stimulates sexual hallucinations.

- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.

I don't want a sexual hallucination.

I want a hard-on.

I sure miss those gases.

I just want you to relax.

Don't breathe too heavily

or you'll pass out.

You didn't take any.

I don't wanna waste any on me.

Ooh-oo-ooh!

Oh, it's goodie!

Ha ha ha! Oh.

Oh, if I could just get it all together

I would give it..

...all...to you.

Please take some.

- Please. - Alright.

'I'm so relaxed and loose'

I just want you to feel like me.

How much..

...passionate now?

Passionate?

I am passionate.

God, honey, I got a hot news flash for you.

I got news coming over the wire.

This stuff doesn't work.

This doesn't do nothing.

Ah, I'm gonna-you..

...get some of this is in.

- Scottie, you.. - No.

...you get yourself all gassed up too--

No, no.

Come on, come on, come on.

- No, I'm going to bed. - Come on.

- Oh. - Come on, come on.

No more. No!

No.

I still love you.

'Closin' up.'

Time for a fast one?

If you'll gulp it down.

Yeah.

Uh..

What do you have for somebody who's, uh..

...not supposed to drink?

I got a door and a steel toe in my shoe.

Can I please have a glass of water?

It's..

Drink up!

Okay.

Chops?

Chops.

Well, do you have to yell my name so loud?

- How are you? - I'm fine. Tops, tops.

Where's your uniform?

Oh, I'm out.

Medical discharge.

- You got a job? - No.

You got one?

Yeah, well, sort of.

You glad you're out?

Sure.

Only thing is, I'm having a little difficult time

trying to get myself together, you know?

Yeah, I know the feeling.

I've been betrayed by the army and rejected by civilian life

among other personal problems.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Dudley.

But look, I don't wanna talk to you anymore.

Now, will you take off?

Why not?

Uh, in police terms, there's a robbery in progress.

Are you a cop?

No, I'm the perpetrator.

Now, will you get outta here?

I don't want you to get in any trouble.

Chops, don't do it.

I can't help it. I'm all keyed up.

Hey, it's gulp time.

You too, Mac. Don't make me throw you out.

Oh, why don't you shut up, you big bully.

Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?

- Don't. - Huh?

You wanna throw me out from over here?

Or you want me to jump over

so you can try to throw me out from over there?

Decisions, decisions.

- Chops, don't. - Na, don't worry about it.

He's gonna shit in his pants when he sees this.

Alright, come on. Face down on the ground.

Hands behind your head.

Wow! Look at that thing go.

That gun could have gone off.

It could have hurt somebody.

Don't you know anything about guns?

- Now get out! - I was only kidding.

What's the matter with you? Don't be so stupid.

Sir, wait. He didn't mean that. This man is an actor.

He's with the Royal Salt Lake City Shakespeare Company.

And he's just getting into his character for his role

in the "Merry Wives Of Windsor," which is a funny play.

'And it's dirty, it's dirty.'

Would you like some passes for the wife and kids?

I just want one pass, at his head.

Now, wait, I was only kidding.

Look, he's telling you the truth.

You see this guy Winsom..

Louie Winsom from the Delancey Street.

Anyway, he's kind of a Robin Hood, you know?

He's an ex-con and he gets parole.

And he winds up in his barn, where he meets

a lot of strange people.

'Anyway, he meets the servant with a wife. I forget his name.'

Who introduces to all the other wives.

And that's how they become "The Merry Wives of Windsor."

- Yeah, yeah! - Ow!

You hissing me or blowing your schnoz.

I was blowing my schnoz..

Wait a minute, why can't we sit and talk this over?

Come on.

You silly ass.

Hissing me.

What the hell are you doing?

Just telling my friend blow his nose.

I'm gonna blow his nose with this.

You crazy guys!

Hissing me.

Crazy.

What the hell is that stuff?

Anesthetic, he'll wake up..

Oh, terrific.

What are you doing?

I'm completing a very smooth robbery.

Armed robbery.

Sixty three clams. We made a killing.

Listen, you know? I owe you.

Now, because if it wasn't for you

that guy would have messed me up.

So we're gonna split this.

Thirty-one for me. Thirty-one for you. Okay?

And one dollar for the coffee, donuts and a tip.

What.. well, come on.

Take it, don't stare at it.

I mean, you need it as bad as I do, right?

Right.

I'll never forget that bartender's laugh

for the rest of my life.

I can't wait to tell the guys in San Quentin about this one.

Hope that's not too soon.

Hey, Dud. You think you can get any more of that gas?

I can get anything I wanted dug up.

You know, I-I was just thinking that maybe we could pull

another job with it, you know? Look at this.

But that's not really the right gas, is it?

It just knocks out one person at a time.

Well, how about a gas that knocks out

a couple of people at the same time?

It depends how fast you wanna knock 'em out.

Well, knock 'em out fast.

I mean, the worse that can happen

is they'd throw up, right?

I mean, what's wrong with that?

You gotta know what you're doing

when you're working with gas.

Dudley, you're talking to a two-man operation here.

One handles the gas, the other one handles the money.

I like it, it's beautiful, it's perfect.

And it works.

Wait a minute. I'm a veteran. I'm not a crook.

Oh, is that what you think I am? A crook?

A guy who is gassed with you, who is diseased with you.

I'm sorry. All I want to do is an earn an honest living.

Of course you do and so do I.

But they won't let you.

Dudley, Dudley, the army is screwing you.

Everybody is screwing you.

So how about screwing them back?

You're the second person who said that to me.

I mean, we're not gonna mow 'em down like Barney and Clyde.

We're just gonna hit 'em with some poison gas, that's all.

Look, Dudley.

I know how you feel about pleasin' humanity

and-and-and that-and that chemical warfare shit.

But this will give you a chance to prove it works.

Well, I wouldn't wanna see

anybody hurt or permanently injured.

That's the beauty of gas.

No guns, no violence.

No guns, no violence?

Or else I won't do it.

Okay.

Non-violent crime has just taken a big step forward.

Okay.

They were a couple of sick-looking punks.

Oh, there's all kinds of sick.

Let's narrow it down.

Sick in the head, or sick in the body?

Or is that too narrow for you?

Head. They were kinda crazy.

Oh, wait a minute.

There's a whole wide range of crazy.

If I had an hour, I could present you

with a whole list of crazinesses.

Maybe you can save me some time.

Everything they did seemed funny.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

Pair of jokers, huh?

Gonna put that through the computer.

Hoods with a sense of humor.

Got pains in my chest and side.

They roughed you up?

From laughing.

One of them was hissing me.

- Hissing? - Yeah. Right in my ear.

What a silly guy.

Oh, hissing is a whole other field.

So vast, that it hasn't been explored.

Shall we?

Hiss.

Hiss.

No. Like this.

- Hiss. - Hiss.

It ain't as funny when you do it.

* Suddenly in Disneyland *

* Now that we're in love *

- All clear, George. - Okay, Dudley.

Service is lousy.

Hey, don't let anybody leave without paying the check.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

'Twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty'

'thirty one, thirty twodollars!'

Hey, Dud.

How about this one for a big number, huh?

Let's see, $5382.

Half of that comes to, half of that comes to, uh, 5000..

I almost breathe some of the gas in my lungs.

I wretched in my mask, it felt good.

Uh, well-well, anyway

this is what I call a big haul.

I love gas.

I love gas, you love gas.

Everybody's got gas.

Do you realize that we have successfully

launched a gas attack

which no army has accomplished

since World War I.

I'd follow you through this kind of combat, anytime.

Hey, why don't we declare war on a bank?

War?

Wars have been lost because commanders

have chosen the wrong time and place to fight.

I shall pick the proper battleground for us.

Now, if anyone saw anything

out of the ordinary. Please, speak up.

Sir.

Sir, look, I-I know this is gonna sound crazy.

Yeah.

But I can swear I saw a couple ofmonsters.

They were sitting right back there.

They had big round glassy eyes

with the big fat snouts.

And the snouts, they were like..

they were like, tin cans.

I wish I had a stenographer to get this accurately.

This is a major break in the case.

Glass eyes and metal snouts.

There's nothing like a positive identification.

I'll put out an all-points bulletin right away.

Glass eyes and metal snouts.

How come you haven't pumped her in the stomach so far?

Because we're not treating her for food poisoning

it's the respiratory system.

They're suffering from gas poisoning.

You mean the kind in here?

I mean the kind you fellows use

for riot control, uh..

...an incapacitator.

Sir, could it be that you didn't actually see monsters?

Could it be that you saw gas masks?

Round glass eyes and a tin snout.

- Hmm? - Definitelymonsters.

Colonel Lockyer will be with you in a minute.

- Please be seated. - Thank you.

- Morning, sir. - Morning, colonel.

I'm Detective Sgt. Poultry.

Nice to see you.

- Have a seat. - Thank you.

Well, what can I do for you, sir?

Colonel, there's a case I'm working on.

Night before last, a Salt Lake City restaurant

was robbed of payroll and proceeds.

Customers and personnel were overcome

by what doctors describe as a form of poison gas.

No-no, don't say poison.

That sounds terrible.

Well, according to a description by a bad witness

the job was pulled off by two men wearing gas masks.

- Gas masks? - 'Mm-hmm.'

The gas was colorless, odorless

tasteless, invisible.

'All of a sudden, people started'

'sort of losing their coordination.'

'Shaking, trembling, passing out.'

Remarkable.

What about casualty recovery?

- A hundred percent. - Ooh, bravo!

That's sound like a tactically perfect operation.

I'd put those men up for a special citation.

I'd like to give them a citation too.

That's why I need your help.

Colonel, can we start with the list of your men

who had passes that night?

Detective Sgt. Poultry.

Every time some civilian walks through the street

with smelly feet

we're accused of letting go, with some poison gas.

That's it.

There's a bank down there?

There's two banks down there.

Two! Mmm, nice to have a choice.

We take them both.

How are we gonna do that?

By launching a gas attack on the entire city.

Listen, what I wanna know is where are all the cops

gonna be while we're robbing the joint?

All over. Either unconscious or sick

they should be absolutely defenseless.

We oughta be able to walk in and walk right out again.

Well, uh, you think maybe we oughta go in

and cash a big billion to case the joint?

Sure. Yeah.

You, uh, you got any money on you?

Good morning.

I want a change of $20.

- Are you alright? - Yes, yes.

Can I help you, sir?

Glass of water, please.

Okay.

Okay, now I've got everything up to this point.

But what I wanna know is, how the hell are we gonna attack

the whole city?

'Kill many bugs today?'

Yeah.

Thousands.

Maybe, a million.

Maybe millions.

Beautiful.

Now, aren't you gonna ask me about, uh..

the poison that is gonna be consumed by the people

who eat the crop, that I dusted?

Well, we're not really interested in knowing that.

Aren't you a couple of 'em organic food freaks?

No, not us. We eat anything.

And in lousy restaurants, too.

'We happened to see you dusting'

'a field a few miles from here.'

It was just great.

I especially love the way you,pull up

before the end of each round.

That's great.

No, no, we're not here to criticize you.

We're your fans.

Well, uh..

Thanks.

Gee, you know, I'm sorry I jumped down on you.

You know, but..

I tell ya, I'm so used to those organic ecology freaks

coming around here jeering me.

You know, they picketed my runway one day.

Signs, and all.

It didn't stop me.

When I do a job

I do a job.

I mean, I never overlap a row.

I'm always correct, precise, and on target, gentlemen.

That's our man.

Yeah.

Name's Dusty.

Guess, you wonder where I got that nickname from, eh.

I'll have to think about that.

Uh, Dusty, I'm George Smith.

This is my associate John Jones.

Hey, Dusty.

Guess how we got our names.

All kidding aside, Dusty

uh, we're executives for "Killz-All" products.

A subsidiary of one of the nation's

leading chemical houses.

- Insecticides, pesticides. - Bed bugs, roaches.

- 'Herbicide.' - And Silverfish too.

We've landed a whopping new contract.

A lot of money to it.

'From the city of Tuela'

'we are gonna spray the whole city'

'with a newly developed insecticide.'

'It'll be a one shot all-purpose deal'

'and we want you.'

Well, we'll give you a cash retainer now

'and I'd like to check out your airplane'

'to see what modifications might be necessary'

which, naturally, we'll pay for.

Oh, cash.

You could paint, uh, "Killz-All"

all over the wings and the fuselage.

Uh, if you wanna.

I mean, it's good advertising.

It's a wonderful idea.

That.. we'll pay extra for that too.

I think we better take that up with our Advertising Manager.

No, I don't think he's gonna like that.

I mean, he goes for jingles.

Come back again in two weeks.

Cancel it. I'm leaving town.

Oh?

When?

In about a week..

...for permanent.

Are you telling me that this is the last time

I'm gonna see you?

I'm afraid so. I'm gonna be very busy.

Very busy?

Busy at what?

Doing a lot of things.

Working.

Planning on how to make good use

out of my practical knowledge.

You'd be proud of me if you knew the extent of my activities.

I've always been proud of you.

Please, don't say things like that.

It's hard enough to say goodbye.

Well, then, don't say goodbye.

Look, I love you, I believe in you.

You don't have anything to prove to me.

We have a future together if you want it.

Look, I know you have more to offer me

than anything I could plan.

I'm just committed and I have to follow through with that.

See all these bombs under my ship?

Reminds me of World War II.

Oh, I can't wait until I get over the target.

Gives me chills.

Oh, how come all these tanks are from the army?

Oh, it's part of a big surplus deal we made.

We haven't had a chance to repaint them

and put our own trademark art.

Yeah, you see, our trademark

is a roach lying on it's back with it's legs going like that.

What's this?

This is to protect you from the insecticides, just in case.

You're gonna have to wear a gas mask too. Strict rules.

Ow!

Company policy. We take every precaution.

It'll give you immunity, in case you have any problems.

Now, here's the balance of your payment.

If you'd just sign this receipt.

I like doing business with you fellas.

Don't worry, there'll be more.

The war has only just started.

Right.

Tally-ho.

Tally-ho.

Chops, don't forget to set the timers.

Oh, yeah.

'Are you sure this will cut off Tuela?'

Stop worrying.

It's just two roads to Tuela, right?

- Let's get to the other one. - Right.

All set, Dudley.

Finished over here.

That's it. They're set to go off

in sequence every 15 minutes.

It should make the road impassable

for at least two hours.

Oh, well.

Nobody's ever pulled off a job like this.

Well, I hope it makes you a big man

in Sing Sing, if that's what you want.

'Are you kidding? It'll make me a big man in any prison.'

'I can't lose.'

* There's nothing that can wake me like the ol' wild blue *

* Especially when I got a job *

* Killing bugs to do *

* So make some room and watch this black boy fly *

* All you little bugs *

* You rotten little bugs *

* If you take a whiff you go die **

Well, this is it.

Good luck, Chops.

Yeah. Good luck, Dud.

Listen, I don't wanna get sentimental, but..

I just want you to know that if it wasn't for you..

...I'd be getting a hernia heisting TV sets.

Look, Chops, you have given me ambition.

A reason to live, a chance to prove myself.

I almost feel like a..

...human being again.

Over the top.

Yeah. Over the top.

Did you go to the bathroom?

- Oh. - You forgot?

I'm too nervous.

Perfect timing, right?

- It works. - Of course, it works.

'Well, that's my signal.'

Over target.

'Come on, mother.'

'Let's sell that bug juice.'

'Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones'

'are gonna learn'

'just what precision is all about.'

''Cause here come The Fumigator.'

Let's go.

'Take this, you ecology freaks.'

'I'm spraying this shit on everything that tweeks.'

- What's goin' on here? - I don't know.

Must be spraying for insects or something, there's a..

...pile of it all over the road down here.

State five to Tuela PD.

'State five to Tuela PD.'

Tue PD to State five.

We weren't notified you were delousing the city today.

The only time we delouse this city is on Election Day.

'Then what's that white stuff'

'that airplane's spraying all over the city.'

'What airplane?'

'What white stuff?'

Tue PD, Tue..

'...feel dizzy..'

State five to zero zero.

State five to zero zero.

'Zero zero to State five. Over.'

'This aircraft's layin' a cloud of white mist or something'

'all over the city.'

'Police radio is out.'

'The last thing they said'

'it was making everybody dizzy.'

This is Detective Sergeant Poultry.

What is this white mist you're talkin' about?

Officer, it's some kind of cloud

this airplane's layin' all over Tuela.

There's a big yellow cloud of it up here on the hill.

We can't get through it.

- What is your location? - Couple of miles east Tuela.

This is incredible, Chop.

People's respiratory systems

'should neutralize the effects of the gas within an hour.'

'Oh, wow, Dud, look at that guy go.'

'Ha ha. It's like old times.'

I hope these people don't bruise themselves too badly.

Oh, come now! You're putting me on.

Hey, hey, what is it?

Russian or Chinese?

Maybe it's from outer space, huh?

I wouldn't kid you, Colonel.

You mean, there's an honest to goodness gas attack?

And I'm sure it's the same guys who pulled the restaurant job.

'I'm on my way there now.'

I'll mobilize a special unit.

And an attack force.

We'll be rolling in five minutes. See you there.

Folks, folks, we're medical men.

We're here to help you.

- 'Let's go!' - Come here, come here.

Come here. Swallow this.

You'll be alright.

- For cryin' out loud! - Bye.

This is not time to play Florence Nightingale.

- Hut! - Oh, let's go, let's go.

- Let's go! - Get your vehicles rollin'!

Get movin', it's a sneak attack!

'Start your engines.'

Go, go, go, go!

Let's go!

Oh, no!

Come on.. get your wheels movin'.

'I'm goin', I'm goin'.'

'Don't bump me! Oh, shit.'

What's wrong, goddamn it?

Alright, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Get your vehicles movin'.

Get movin', it's a sneak attack.

Go, go, go, go!

Let's go!

Coming, sir.

Uh, my zipper's caught.

Let's go, let's go.

Come on! Hurry up!

Move it!

What the hell is that duck doin' here?

Get it the hell out of here!

We're not going to the beach!

Sheesh.

Get this vehicle out of here. Move it.

Let's move out! Move out!

Get that civilian jalopy off the road.

Military vehicles have the right of way.

Who do you think you are?

Get off the road!

Now remember, Dud, this is my department.

Don't worry about nothin'.

Okay? Now just remember, urgency, urgency.

We go in there, get the loot, and get the hell out fast.

- Alright? - Alright.

Now, wait a minute, don't go in. Wait for me.

Now, Dudley, look.

The bank dick. How come he's not gassed?

He's stuck in an air pocket between the two doors.

The gas hasn't gotten to him yet.

Yeah, but he's seen us. He's gonna ruin everything.

That bastard will squeal on us.

Look, there's no way that he can identify us.

What we have to do is get the doors open

so the gas will get to him and knock him out.

Open up. Open up.

Who are you? What do you want?

We're from the gas company.

Yeah and we came to fix your leak.

We have to do it right away.

Yeah, we think the leak is in the vault.

I haven't got a mask.

It's okay. We're fast workers. You don't need a mask.

Just hurry up, open the door before it's too late.

- Come on. - Terrific.

Attaboy.

You're a good man. Breathe deeply.

The vault's over there.

Ladies and gentlemen, stay calm.

This is just a rehearsal.

My money!

'Calm, cool and collected.'

- We did it. We did it. - Swallow this.

Compliments of the gas company.

Didn't I tell you I knew my craft?

Nobody would give me any credit.

- Yeah! - We did it!

We robbed two banks within minutes of each other.

It's a first. Nobody will ever believe it.

When I woke up this morning

I was a nobody, and now look at me.

Wait till I tell the guys at Attica and-and Leavenworth.

I'll be a star.

They'll put me in a library.

I'm very happy for you.

Oh! My helmet.

Prepare to sling masks. Prepare to sling mask.

Defuse that bomb..

'Defuse that bomb. On the double.'

Get those civilians to the rear.

This is it. Let's go. Let's go.

Get those vehicles out of here. Get 'em back.

Come on, get out, girls. Come on.

Move it.

Get 'em out, get 'em out, move it out.

Turn the vehicle around.

- Let's go. - Let's move, let's move.

- Come on. - On the double, men.

On the double, on the double.

Lieutenant, lieutenant, bring the glasses quickly.

The town's under siege.

- Men! Attention, men. - Colonel?

The city of Tuela is under siege.

For the first time in almost 60 years

a gas attack has been carried out against a populated area.

Colonel?

Evacuate that casualty.

When we move down into that no man's land

remember, the eyes..

the eyes of the War Department, the Department of the Army

the joint Chiefs of Staff and hopefully some local TV station

will be on us.

Today, men, on this battlefield

we will prove the cause of chemical warfare.

Colonel, if you've finished with The Gettysburg Address

can we step on the gas?

This town is being looted.

Right! Decon unit forward.

Decon unit, let's go.

Let's get that pressure on.

Move it, move it.

Let's move it.

That's it, we're coming through.

Come on, on the double.

That's it, stop here.

Right over there.

'All through for the day.'

'So you bugs can go on your dead ass way.'

'What's all that movin' around down there?'

'I'd better go down and see what's happenin'.'

Sir! Unidentified aircraft approaching at 2 o'clock.

Range 2600, give or take a couple of hundred yards.

It's a surplus primary trainer.

'And the thing's hanging under the wings.'

It's the army.

What the hell is going on down there?

We're under attack!

Take cover. Take cover. Take cover.

- Prepare for air attack. - Prepare for air attack.

'What the hell all those folks runnin' around for?'

'Must be an accident.'

- Commence firing. - Commence firing.

What you shootin' me for?

- Run for your lives! - Run for your lives.

What the hell kind of a command is that?

'Run for your lives.'

- Sling masks! - Sling masks.

- 'Sling masks.' - Sling masks.

- Sling masks! - Sling mask.

Sling what?

- Sling masks! - Where's your mask?

I lost it at the last peace demonstration.

Sergeant, get him a mask.

Yes, sir.

Decon unit! On that farm.

'Decon unit, on that farm!'

'On the double out there.'

Get rid of that cloud.

'Defuse that cloud.'

'Hustle it up, men.'

- Casualties! - Casualties!

'Get those casualties into the hospital, men.'

You'll be okay.

This is war! Not maneuvers.

Hustle it up, men.

- Unsling masks! - Unsling masks.

- 'Unsling masks.' - 'Unsling masks.'

Unsling mask!

Unsling mask.

Well, this mask is making me sick!

Keep your mask on until we get past the road block.

It's a green van.

A green van.

Heading south.

Sir, the road ahead is clear.

I have a report that the enemy

is headed this way in a green van.

Let's move out!

Move out!

- Hut! - Move out!

Move out!

Let's get rolling, men.

- Forward, ho! - Hey, wait for me.

Forward, ho!

'Hey, Dud, look, the army!'

Hey, that's my old outfit.

There's Scottie!

Hold it! Hold it! Fall back!

Turn around! Turn around!

Turn around. Turn around.

What's going on here?

Fall in! Defensive formation.

Vehicle, fall in!

The town is being ripped off.

Uh-oh, we're in trouble, Dud.

'They're on our tail.'

'Alright, now, don't panic. Don't get panicky.'

'Now, this is what we're gonna do.'

We stop the van, we get out with our hands up high, very high.

Or behind your head. Which ever you prefer.

We lie down on the ground

and let them take it from there.

Okay?

Soldiers don't surrender that way.

Well, you surrender your way, I'm gonna surrender mine.

- Come on, step on it. - What are you doing?

Come on, just keep your foot on the gas.

You'll get out of this.

'Dudley, let me surrender.'

'Turn, turn, turn.'

Follow left!

Ho-ho!

That's Mr. Smith and Mr. Jones.

'I wonder why the Army is chasing them?'

- Now, what are you doing? - I've got an idea.

You head into that canyon.

I got something that'll stop 'em.

'I hope you know what you're doing.'

Smoke screen.

Pull up! Pull up!

Call 'em halt!

- Back up! - Yes, sir.

Retreat!

I didn't say "Retreat".

- I said back up! - Sorry, sir.

Alright, just back up!

Deploy on the left flank.

I'm gassed. I'm gassed.

Colonel, am I gassed?

No, no. Not yet.

'Dudley, we're trapped.'

Oh, we're trapped!

'Our backs are to the wall. There's no way out.'

It's gonna be a classic surrender.

Yeah, well, I will never surrender.

They'll have to capture me first.

So, let them catch you. I'm fed up with this shit.

Hey, come on, give me a hand.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna lay a smoke screen.

It'll give us more time.

Yeah, well, that's all they're gonna get.

Lots of time.

This is our most defensible position.

I'd rather be under the truck.

It won't work.

You sit one of them down over there.

Dudley, I think the gas has affected your brain.

- Over there. - Over here?

Yeah, right over there.

I have the right to remain silent.

I have the right to be represented by counsel.

And I have the right to appear before a magistrate.

'He's up there waiting for me.'

Waiting for me to make the first move.

Alright, I'll fool him.

I'm gonna make my second move first.

'Prepare for a mortar attack.'

Prepare for muzzle mortar attack!

Get out of that vehicle!

Come on, out! Get out of that truck!

Alright, zero in up on that area up there.

Yes, sir.

Dudley, here comes the pride of kill zone!

What is he doing coming here?

Go back!

Go back!

Oh-ho, that's all we need. The schmuck is gonna gas us.

Get out of here, Dusty!

Go back!

Dusty, go back!

You're not supposed to land here now.

We're under attack.

Go back, Dusty!

Dusty, get the plane back up in the air.

- Dusty, get out of here! - Get out of here, Dusty.

Gentleman, there are lot of details I can't piece together.

Like did we do such a good job over Tooele

that the army wants us to help them with the maneuvers?

I mean is that a clear representation

of what I saw from the air?

Yeah, that's fair, Dusty. But get it up!

Then why did they shoot holes in my wings?

'Well, you see there's a lot of top secret classified'

equipment in this operation, right.

And the army got a little, uh, sensitive about it. Okay?

Oh! But, y-you're pleased with my work?

'Oh, you deserves an oak leaf cluster, Dusty.'

Will you give him a fig leaf and tell him

to get the hell out of here already.

Get the plane up.

Now, wait a minute.

Sir, mortar unit ready to receive range

and type of projectile information.

Good.

- Wind, nine mile.. - Geez! Don't ever do that.

Use the wind instrument.

Stop showing off.

On target, sir.

I don't see a thing.

Very good.

We're using a new nerves gas, GZS II.

It penetrates the gas mask but it doesn't kill.

You sure I can't work with you in this job?

Yeah, I'm sure. It's just not your thing.

Next time, we'll all be together. Alright?

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

I wanna give you something to pay for the..

...the holes in your wings.

- Just wait a minute. - What?

Pay him? What do you mean "Pay him?"

Fire for effect.

Command, sergeant.

Here, this will take care of everything.

Now, get out of here!

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Oh! GZS II.

I got the antidote.

Chops!

- Chops! - I'm here.

Hands against the van, feet spread apart.

Here, take this pill. It'll make you immune.

- What? - And put your gas mask on.

Oh, shit.

Where you going?

Stay where you are.

Dusty!

Dusty!

Here, take one of these.

And put your gas mask on.

This is part of the maneuver.

I got an idea.

Dusty, you can work with us in this job.

I'm with you. What do you want me to do?

Cease fire!

Cease fire!

Prepare to advance through a smoke screen.

Forward march!

Wing masks! Forward march.

Over the top, men.

Which top?

Top of the hill, I guess.

Fish tail it back and forth like that.

So we cover everything.

- 'How am I doing?' - That's great.

You make beautiful wind.

'Ha ha ha. Look at that.'

Hold it!

Hey, we've got a team.

What a team! I had the same idea.

You're terrific.

Damn civilians, always in the way.

Is that man retreating?

You're damn right.

GZS II.

You gave us the wrong wind direction.

No, sir. They must be blowing it back at our faces.

Am I gassed?

- Am I gassed? - You are now.

And so am I.

- We've beaten them, Chops. - Yeah.

Look at that. Look at that.

We can walk right through 'em.

Why walk...when we can fly?

Yeah!

Dusty, how'd you like to do a job with us in Mexico?

Yeah, it's infested down there.

Okay.

Here, take this.

How do we do this now?

Hey, look...you hang on to one wing.

You hang on to the other.

Okay.

Hang out my ass, where is my parachute?

Alright, let's go.

Don't worry, I'll get this old mother off the ground!

Oh, my god, I can't believe it.

Hallelujah!

Dusty, let me off.

Something wonderful is happening and I need a medical opinion.

What's the matter? You're gettin' shot?

No. Something just came up. Understand?

I'll see you in Mexico.

Scottie..

Scottie..

Where are you?

Scottie.

Scottie.

Where are you?

Scottie.

Scottie.

Scottie.

Scottie.

- Scottie. - You! You robbed that town.

Yeah, yeah, but that's not the point, now.

Scottie, I have to see you privately right away.

Scottie, everything we ever dreamed

about is coming true right now.

Quick! In the Med-Evac unit.

Wait a minute!

What am I doing?

Look, you were sensational.

But what you did was wrong.

Oh, God please, don't start moralizing in a time like this.

Will you?

I'm not going in there until you promise

to give back the money.

I mean it.

As much as I want you.

Boy, this is gonna go down as the most

expensive bang in history.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

Anything you say. Okay.

'Okay, let's go.'

Whoo! Come on.

I think it was the combination of GZS II and the antidote.

Dudley, shut up.

Oh, my God.

May I help you with your pants?

Yeah.

Do you have to take that off?

Just get your pants down.

I know, I know, I know.

Hey, there you go.

Wait. My boots..

No, leave your boots on.

I'll see you in Mexico.

I'll be there.

Keep the money.

Colonel.

You can cancel that six percent disability, sir.

From my dead dick.

* There's nothing in the world *

* That can't be done *

* No war in the world *

* That can't be won *

* You can cut your problems *

* Right in half *

* If you do it without the army *

* And the joint *

* Chiefs *

* Of staff *

* You'll find you've more than got *

* A fighting chance *

* If you don't report them *

* In advance *

* No way you can lose *

* And life's a laugh *

* If you do it without the army *

* And the joint *

* Chiefs *

* Of staff *

* To succeed *

* To succeed *

* The cooperation is the main thing *

* You don't need *

* They will seek your name *

* And autograph *

* If you do it without the army *

* And the joint *

* Chiefs *

* Of staff *

* Hip hurrah *

* Hip hurrah *

* If you come a blame *

* You simply blame the CIA *

* You can take the foul ups and the gap *

* If you simply carry on *

* Without the Pentagon *

* If you do it without the army *

* And your joint *

* Chiefs of staff **

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