Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING) Lay thee down in thy bed

Lay you down now and rest

May your slumber be blessed

ROY: You girls get some sleep now, OK?

Good night, Daddy.

Good night, Mommy.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG GROWLS]

[DOG BARKS]

Mary, Lady's running into the fields.

She's fine, Suz.

Go back to bed.

Lady!

Here, girl.

She said she saw a Lady running to the tobacco.

Here, girl.

Lady!

[GROWLING]

[DOG SQUEALS]

Mary!

Susan!

BERNICE: Slow down!

Suz, what happened?

Where's Lady?

What's the matter, sweetie?

[GARBLED SPEECH]

[WHIRRING]

Bernice, come on.

Bernice.

Bernice!

[EXPLOSION]

[SCREECH'S]

[VIOLENT WHIRRING]

[BAT SQUEAKS]

No!

[HUMMING]

[PANTING]

Hello?

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, look at this.

A woman.

Ooh.

Hey, baby.

You want a ride?

Looks crowded.

Oh, well, why I just clear off a seat for you.

Hey, careful there, Elmo.

She might send her murdering father after you.

Ooh, a murderer?

What's he gonna do, murder me?

Yeah, you want him dead like your dead mother.

[LAUGHTER]

Knock it off!

OK, dude.

God.

Come on.

Let's burn rubber.

[ENGINE ROARS]

See ya.

Your family sucks.

[COUGHS]

[GROWLS]

[SQUEALS]

[GROWLING, GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

MARY: No, Susan?

No, that can't be.

I saw her off myself this morning.

No, she usually cuts up through Mill Road.

Well, do call back when she arrives, won't you?

OK.

ROY: Who was that?

The school.

Susan hasn't shown up.

Maybe some kids stopped her to give her a hard time.

Stay here and see if the school calls.

I'm gonna call the police.

[SIREN WAILS]

Hmm.

Did he finish?

Because if he finished, problem solved, right?

We'll be on the lookout, Mrs. Alfonzo.

Is everything all right?

Another call about that public masturbator.

Been tagging off on Alfonzo's line this morning.

Did he finish?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi, I'm looking for chief clerk.

CHIEF CLARK: You found him.

JAMES WALLACE: Hi, I'm James Wallace.

I'm the new transfer.

Oh, right.

Grab a seat, kid.

Scotch?

I'll take a cup of coffee if you have a pot on.

Coffee?

Yeah, sure.

Phyllis, make some, will you?

So, you came from the big city.

I hope you don't expect too much action.

Marlow's a quiet little town.

Nothing too wild or nefarious happens around these parts.

Mostly, it's paperwork or busting kids playing hooky.

Well, I mean, to be frank, that kind of sounds

like the change I need.

Your psychiatric exam here says you reported seeing things?

Saucers in the sky?

It was more like--

little green men watching your every move

with their little green eyes.

Look, I don't--

CHIEF CLARK: How many eyes those green men got?

Four?

Five?

Six eyes, Wallace?

[CHUCKLES] Christ.

I ought to introduce you to our local nutjob, Roy MacDowell.

Blew his wife to bits and blamed it on something

he saw in the sky.

Look, sir, whatever it is I thought I saw, it's in my past

now.

No, you look.

Our officers carry these.

Colt 22 pistols.

I need to know that you're not gonna splatter my brains out

on assignment thinking I'm some goddamn seven-eyed green man.

PHYLLIS: Just got a call that one of the MacDowell girls

didn't show up for school.

You want me to send out a cruiser?

Nah, it'll be a good warm up for our space cop here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GULPS] All right, kid.

I'll drive.

[ENGINE ROARS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[WHIRRING]

MAN: I gotta warn you, Chief.

It ain't pretty.

It's enough to make your stomach turn.

MacDowell's younger.

It's the one reported missing.

MacDowell.

The wife killer I was telling you about.

Was it him?

Well, his truck was here at the scene.

And his eldest daughter called, saying that he

left the house in a real hurry.

A hurry, huh?

Well, that's enough evidence for me to lock his guilty ass up.

Ah, did the loony tune do it this time.

Chief, Chief, her body's unlike anything you've seen.

She's barely recognizable.

It's as if she's been torn completely apart.

All right, Daniels, I'm sure we can handle it.

Guy will talk your ear off if you let him.

Jesus Christ!

Must have been a bear, right?

What else could have done that?

CHIEF CLARK: Could have been wolves,

but it would have taken two or three of those beasts

to do something like this.

I don't know, Chief.

I haven't seen too many wolves around these parts.

Well, when's the last time you saw a goddamn bear

around here, Daniels?

There isn't a stream for miles.

Where would they feast?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

I don't think an animal did this.

If it did, it certainly wasn't a fucking bear.

Has MacDowell's other daughter been

informed, we found her sister?

I'll head over right away, sir.

And bring her to the station.

So, is the father or a suspect?

Sick bastard.

Gets away scot-free for butchering his old lady.

Now this, he won't get away with it this time.

We'll find him.

Scoop up Susie and get her to the coroner.

So who do we have here?

Ooh, you are a real mess.

Let's have a look here.

Throat ripped clean out.

Puncture marks in the jugular.

Oof.

You got a real stink to you.

All right, first things first.

I'm just gonna bust open the rib cage.

Ooh, somebody's been drinking their milk.

Got real strong bones on ya.

All right.

This baby here, it's the grizzle saw.

This is my own invention.

I'm gonna use this to hack and scoop out whatever's

left of your insides.

Hold still.

Oh.

Look at this thing.

Ooh.

You're a mess.

Ah, your innards were all rotten and mush.

Time to use my hands.

[MUMBLING] Come on.

Well, that's new.

You still got a little gas left in the tank.

Don't you go anywhere.

Punctured neck, perforated jugular and yet the heart

still ticks.

It's not possible.

No human could--

Mummification.

Vampirism.

Zombification.

[SCREAMS]

[WHIRRING]

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

What's happening?

Who are you?

What do you want?

MAN: What do I want?

I want to suck your blood.

Kidding.

Stand him up.

What you are all looking at is a very lucky human.

Just a little prick.

A very-- with a very lucky little necklace that saved him

many years ago.

You see, thanks to our formula, your little T necklace

won't save you or your planet.

In fact, you will play a very important role in its demise.

How poetic that the same human who

helped cause my greatest failure will bring about my greatest

success.

Turn him.

Beam him back down to Earth.

Everything is going according to plan.

Soon, his little town will become my personal army

of vampire zombies.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN (ON RADIO): Manhunt underway, an old male,

Roy MacDowell.

Ongoing APB for public masturbation.

You really think he'd masturbate out here?

Oh, yeah.

This guy makes his rounds.

Always looking for a new spot to seed.

Although lately, his thing's been tugging it

on old Mrs. Alfonzo's front lawn.

Does he finish?

Yeah, he comes and goes.

Have a smoke.

Oh, thanks.

CHIEF CLARK: Think those little green men are lurking around

somewhere?

[WHIRRING]

Ah, come on, kid.

Don't give me that stunned look.

You can't be that surprised every time I crack wise.

Chief.

Hell, if I can't bust--

Chief.

--your balls.

What?

I really think we should head this way.

Kid, what are you doing?

Is it the masturbator?

[MOANING]

Oh, yeah, that's him.

I can hear that sick fuck moaning.

Chief, I don't think that's the masturbator.

Come out with your hands up.

[MOANING]

Both of them.

Sick son of a bitch.

We're only turning him on.

Stop right there.

Police!

[GROANING, GROWLING]

Permission to open fire, sir?

Uh--

[GROWLS]

Shoot the fucker.

[GUNSHOTS FIRE]

Reload quick.

I'm empty.

MacDowell?

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

Can you two move?

You're blocking the light.

Oh, sorry.

Look, people know you're a swell guy, Matt Douglass,

but that alone won't be enough to get you reelected.

We've got to sell you as an image.

That's why we've come up with a poster

campaign we think you're really going to love, Mr. Mayor.

Show him, Charlie.

All right.

Folks need to know that you care about any

and every stupid problem they have.

If there's a load burdening them,

they need to know that you'll take that load.

You'll take it off their shoulders

and straight into town council.

Next.

Too wordy.

Yeah.

OK, let's move on to the next one, Charlie.

What do parents care more about than anything?

Their little ones.

So we paint you as a mayor man who's enriched

the lives of Marlow's youth.

A man who inspires them.

Now, that's more like it.

But let's get some more little girls on there.

I want voters to know that I touch them, too.

Yeah, brilliant.

Eddie, how the hell are ya?

Mr. Mayor, we need to talk.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, come on, it's morning.

Wake up.

Come on.

Get yourself home and get yourself some proper sleep.

I told you, I'm not going anywhere

until I can talk to the chief.

My sister's been murdered.

My father's missing.

And no one's told me a damn thing.

Well, I know that-- that Chief Clark will talk to you just

as soon as he's back from the-- from the mayor's house.

Mayor Douglas?

You didn't hear it from me.

How the hell does this happen?

I mean, just last week, our biggest issue

was that guy who jacks off everywhere.

I don't think you understand.

There's a lot of strange things happening in your town.

Susan MacDowell was butchered.

Her father's our only lead.

And last night--

You two shot some guy who ran off into the woods?

He's long dead by now.

Find the body.

Sink it in Sadler's Pond.

No, that's-- that's what I think you don't understand.

He didn't die.

Sir, I-- I think he's one of them.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, I tried--

Chief, I've been waiting at the station all night.

No one's giving me any answers.

My sister Susan and my father, he went to look for her.

Officer Daniels said his truck was at the scene.

I'm so worried.

Oh, you poor thing.

I'm so sorry about your sister.

Tragic.

Simply tragic.

Don't you worry.

I'm sure your father's fine.

My wife Jackie will take you downstairs

and fix you some hot cocoa.

These officers will be with you in just a moment.

OK, dear?

OK.

Come along, then.

Please tell me you two didn't shoot Roy MacDowell last night.

It might have been him.

It was dark out.

Whatever it was, it had a glowing eyes and a white face.

The people of Marlow cannot find out our officers are

shooting people just because they have a white face.

Till we get this figured out, Mary MacDowell will be under

your watch 24/7.

Capeesh?

[ELVIS PRESLEY, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT"] Well, that's all righty,

mama

That's all right for you

That's all right, mama

Yeah

But that's all right

That's all right.

Yeah, me and my human friends come here all the time.

Haha.

Hey, baby.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ah, shit.

Just a minute.

Shit.

Sorry to interrupt whatever this is.

We're doing important vampire stuff in the control room.

Your father is requesting your presence.

What's the matter with you?

Haven't you heard of knocking?

I did.

Just get out of here.

God.

"Dump your load on Mayor Douglas."

Excellent work, Dracula.

But are we sure this Douglas is their leader?

Our scouts found this with several other propaganda

posters.

It appears this Douglas is the highest authority of Marlow.

And you plan to suck this man?

Ah, I'll suck you dry.

We've already begun to infect the weak humans of Marlow.

My plan is certain to be a success.

A line we have heard from you before, Dracula.

We cannot allow you to disappoint us again.

With the political unrest in the capital,

failure is not an option.

OK, I'm here.

I showed.

Now, can I have the keys to the cruiser?

[GARBLED SPEECH]

Earth may be our only choice.

Ukari wish to withdraw from our planetary union.

And our vampire dollar is at an all time low.

Who is back there?

Show yourself.

This is my son, Dylan.

Dylan created the formula that makes us immune to the humans T

necklaces.

This is the one who created the cure.

Dylan, you should be very proud of what

you have done for our race.

Every vampire in the galaxy has been injected with your formula.

Now, our kind must no longer fear those horrid T necklaces.

Yeah, I get it.

But that is not all, your excellencies.

Dylan, tell them the best part.

Dad, I got the date on planet 9 in outer space.

I don't have time for your political stuff right now.

Do you want the ship tonight or what?

You're so lame.

OK, so the T necklace formula changed the effects

our bites have on the humans.

Instead of turning into vampires,

the chemicals used together, vampire and human DNA

simultaneously, allowing those bitten to walk around

in direct sunlight.

Pretty good.

And turning the human brain into complete mush.

Render the mindless vampire zombies.

OK, can I have the keys now?

If only your father had, had that injection

when he was last on Earth.

But why should we give Dracula the chance

to disappoint us again?

Dylan has more than proven his worth.

He should be the one to suck the mayor.

Yeah, I'm flattered, but like I said, I have plans.

This is more my dad's thing.

Wonderful idea, your excellencies.

I will send my son at once.

Dad, what the hell?

Dylan, my son, tonight, you suck your first man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Humans this.

Humans that.

Get fucked, Dad.

Where's mom?

Where's mom?

I'm 42.

Should be out fucking have fun with my friends,

not doing this bullshit for him.

Make a formula for me, Dylan.

Cancel your date for me, Dylan.

How about I just cancel my whole life, you fucking idiot?

Screw this.

I'm going on my date.

I heard from Vlad in the control room

that if Dracula doesn't pull this off,

the council's gonna have him killed.

Well, I heard that if he doesn't pull this off,

they're gonna murder him.

Sheesh.

Either way, I guess

I'd rather be killed than murdered.

They're gonna kill him?

Get in.

Let's see how this baby flies.

[HORN HONKS]

[WHIRRING]

Stop!

Fuck.

OFFICER DANIELS: Chief, chief.

CHIEF CLARK: Yes, Daniels, we see you.

Hello.

Sir, we got a situation.

I think it's best you bring MacDowell's daughter directly

inside.

So, MacDowell's not a popular name around here.

Why is that?

As if you don't already know.

Every cop in this town thinks my dad's some kind of monster

who killed my mother.

Well, did he?

There was this giant disk in the sky.

A UFO?

You must think I'm crazy.

No, no, no.

I-- I don't.

My dad's innocent.

OK?

He was innocent then.

And he's innocent now.

I'm terrified that whatever got her got him, too.

Mary, I think we might know--

Hey, new guy.

Willis, right?

See the fucking thing in the field back there?

Good Christ, I nearly crapped my pants.

The field?

Yeah, it's like a goddamn sci-fi picture back there.

What do you mean?

Well, get this.

Chief tells us, last night, there's

some dude who they fucking pumped full of bullets.

I mean, [MOCK GUNSHOTS].

This thing has gotta be dead as a doornail, right?

No, the fucker gets up and crawls away into the forest.

Mayor Douglas he wants this all kept quiet, see?

But then this morning, we get called here

to find an honest to Christ UFO crashed in the back of murderer

MacDowell's freaky farm.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIRRING]

Here.

Try and throw this rock at it.

Come on, whip it.

Eh.

Ah, shit.

Hey, miss, listen.

Don't you, hey, miss, listen to me.

I want answers, damn it.

What the hell's going on?

How long has this been here?

We know just as much as you do.

Right now, we need to be calm and keep

this situation contained.

The mayor specifically told us--

Fuck the mayor.

I bet you wouldn't say that if the mayor were here.

I don't care about the mayor.

And you all thought we were crazy.

How do you feel now, you bastards?

Let's all just keep cool.

We need to figure this thing out, contain it

and make sure it's not a threat to the public.

Chuck, bring Miss MacDowell here back inside,

so we can do our goddamn jobs.

I'll go to the press.

What?

You said it yourself.

The mayor wants this contained.

So how would it look on you if every paper and radio

station in the state reported saucers

crashing into our backyards?

And that officer, he said you shot a man last night?

That might also be of interest to the people of Marlow.

All right, you win.

Bitch.

[RANDY STARR, "AFTER SCHOOL"] After school

After school

[WHISTLES]

[BELL CHIMES]

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

Let me know if you need any help.

[BELL CHIMES]

Hey, daddy-o.

I was flying by or passing by when

my ship-- my flip top mechanism malfunctioned.

Ain't that a bite?

Anyways, I was-- I saw a bunch of radio towers in the distance.

Any idea what those puppies are broadcasting at, you know?

Like 80, 85 hertz?

Excuse me a moment.

It was windy during my descent,

but it couldn't have been the wind.

I did fly through that smoke field.

Look, the closest garage is further in town.

Ain't nothing out here but tobacco fields.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Hey, buddy, you break it, you buy it.

[GROWLS]

I don't want any trouble.

[GROWLING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

I'm sorry, lady.

God damn it, guys.

What the hell?

I needed more information from that guy.

Whatever.

Burn rubber.

MAN: I need that to live.

Oh my god.

Come on.

MAN: Ow!

[BELL CHIMES]

(SINGING) After school waiting for you

Am I a fool to wait for you the way I do?

[BELL CHIMES]

[MUSIC ON RADIO]

There's a lovely article about you in here, honey.

That so?

I didn't know you touched so many children.

Mm-hmm.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oh, John, what have you broken now?

JOHN: That wasn't me.

Sounds like it came from the parlor.

[GROANING, MOANING]

[SIGHS] This is the fourth time this week.

He just won't stop coming.

Mm.

Ah, enough, John.

Go stop him.

Shh, shh.

What do you mean shh?

You just want to stand there and watch him finish?

[GROWLING, SLURPING]

JACKIE: I'm calling the police.

This is bigger than the police.

[CHATTER]

BARTENDER: What'll be, gentlemen?

Gin Rickey and two glasses of scotch, neat.

None for me, thanks.

When did I order for you?

MacDowell's daughter said she'd only talk somewhere public.

If I gotta be here, I'm getting sauced.

Anyway, the point is, we say one word about what we saw,

she goes straight to the press.

You heard her.

Look, I know you don't want to cause a panic,

but sooner or later, people are gonna

figure out about the shit that's happening around here.

Do you want to be out of a job?

Do you want all of Marlow to be as paranoid as you,

thinking they're being invaded by your little AI green aliens?

[BURPS]

Buck 90, boys.

Yeah, yeah.

Put it on my tab.

Sure.

What's the name?

So, what are we gonna say to her?

Just follow my lead.

Sometimes it's best to take more drastic action

with stubborn witnesses.

Bring these back to the booth.

Old Clark's got a few tricks up his sleeve.

I can see the headlines now.

Dumb skank tells nobody nothing.

Hey, sorry for the delay.

The bartender's really dragging his ass tonight.

Got this especially for you, Mary.

Gin Rickey.

Not interested.

My head's throbbing.

Well, ain't no better cure for a headache than a nice Gin

Rickey.

Mm.

JAMES: Clark.

CHIEF CLARK: Mm.

Clark, she said she doesn't want it.

[CHUCKLES] Jesus Christ, man, you're fucking this up.

So, what are you gonna do about my missing father

and dead sister?

Ms. MacDowell, the honest to God truth

is, I think we might have seen your father.

And I'm not sure how to give you this news without it

being a bit of a shock.

Maybe a drink would make the news less shocking.

In fact, let's all suck back a few and let loose.

Chief Clark and I were patrolling by the cemetery

last night, and we heard some bizarre moans.

The masturbator?

No, see, that's what we thought, too.

But, Mary, I think it was your father.

He's alive?

He charged at us.

We were forced to open fire.

He lived.

But he took 12 bullets, and he got up like it was nothing.

So, yes, he might still be out there, but if he is,

there's something very, very wrong with him.

I'll drink to that.

Mary.

I don't understand.

The sauce in her backyard must have something to do with Roy.

It can't be a coincidence, right?

Oh, here we go.

Don't let him alarm you.

The big city did a number on his noodle.

[SHOUTING]

MAN: Shut up!

Shut up!

[GUNSHOTS FIRE]

Detectives, are you telling me you shot my father?

Look, the main thing is he might be fine.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

We're cooperating with you and telling you what we know.

You need to cooperate with us and keep

your goddamn mouth closed.

Now, how's about taking a sip of that gin just

sitting there collecting dust?

We'll figure it out, Mary.

Trust me, We'll do everything we can to save your father.

[MUSIC PLAYING] Love, love, love

They ain't gonna save him.

(SINGING) Love, love, love

Love, love, love

Hi, how are you, young man?

My God, [INAUDIBLE].

How the hell are you?

Ooh!

Oh, yi-yi.

My back.

Oh, yi-yi.

Son of a bitch.

[CHATTER]

Excuse me, this is a private party.

Cool it, big.

I'm here to help.

Drink?

That thing you saw in the cemetery, there's no save in it.

Her father's gone.

He's something else now.

Reanimated, blood thirsty creature with ties to the sky.

The sky?

Oh, Christ.

So, my dad is dead?

Ah, jeez.

Don't start the waterworks just because of this bonehead.

You don't even know who he is.

They call me Wayne on account a that's my name.

Well, Wayne, this is a police matter.

Hey, Wayne.

We're playing another game here or what?

Keep your shirt on, you mook.

Motherfucker.

I got a game waiting.

If you don't want to hear what I got to say, fine by me.

Please, is there any way to save him?

Wayne, you mentioned the sky.

What's the connection there?

How do you know that?

Well.

Hey, did you guys see the look on Principal Lewinsky's face?

This is gonna be hilarious.

These permanent records are the only evidence of our schooling.

And once we burn 'em, it'll be like we've had no education

at all.

[LAUGHTER]

That's funny.

Ooh, look at this.

A woman.

Let's harass her.

Hey, baby.

You want a ride?

Why don't I just clear off a seat for you?

Careful there, Elmo.

She might send her murdering father after you.

What's he gonna do?

Murder me?

Yeah, you want him dead like your dead mother.

Boys, knock it off.

OK, dude.

Yeah.

Come on, let's burn rubber.

See ya.

Your family sucks.

Dude, why ain't this fire catching?

Go get some tobacco leaves.

Those will light up.

What?

Are you kidding me?

Why don't you do it?

I gotta piss.

I got it.

MAN: So, Hanky, what happened with that girl you were seeing?

HANKY: I was choking her, right?

Just choking the light out of her.

MAN: With both hands.

Oh, yeah--

What the hell?

[WHIRRING]

Oh, shit.

Whoa.

What is that?

Jesus Christ.

[GROANING, GROWLING]

[LASER BEAMS]

No way!

MAN: Elmo!

And it flew away.

Bullshit.

If someone's kid died in Marlow, there would have been a report.

He didn't die.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hang in there, Elmo.

Hey.

Get you to a doctor soon, OK?

Gonna fix you up like new.

[GROWLS]

Come and get it.

[GROANING, GRUNTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Elmo was my brother.

My best friend.

We grew up together, you know?

Shared our first smoke together.

Raced our hot rods together.

We even had our first threesome together.

I'd go in the vagina.

He'd go in the butt.

And when I felt him through that vaginal wall, hmm,

it felt like family.

And now he's just a--

just a pair of legs.

So your brother Elmo stayed dead?

We put 12 bullets into old man MacDowell's like, bang, bang,

bang.

And we still--

Hmm.

JAMES: I'm so-- I'm so, so sorry.

I beg your pardon, Ms MacDowell.

Not to fart in your cornflakes, but for all

we know murdering MacDowell's still out there.

Not surprised he slipped through your greasy fingers.

You can't shoot these things.

Shit, you cut them in half, you got two of them.

So what then?

You stab 'em?

That's your big secret?

Not just stab 'em.

You gotta drive something straight through their heart.

Like a vampire?

Bingo.

CHIEF CLARK: I get it.

The saucer behind her house was piloted by a vampire.

Yeah, that makes total sense.

The night my mom got blasted apart, I saw something similar

in the tobacco fields.

And Chief, we saw fangs in Susan's corpse.

You can't tell me these are all isolated cases.

As far as I know, I'm the only one who knows how to kill 'em.

We need to call the rest of the town.

Hold it right there, hotshot.

Chicky's mama explodes, you fight a pair of legs,

and now you want us to go cry wolf to the whole fucking town?

Get your fat finger out of my face, porky pig.

CHIEF CLARK: I'll kill you.

Stay there, fellas.

Fuck.

Don't touch him.

He's a cop.

He's a cop.

Why don't we just see?

Hand me your cuffs, Wallace.

Clark, he's just a kid.

He didn't mean anything by it.

Cuffs, Wallace.

You're under arrest for assaulting a police officer.

You have the right to remain--

Stop it.

Wayne's right.

More innocent people are going to turn into these things

if we don't tell them how to protect themselves.

Anything you say can and will be used--

Aren't you supposed to be this town's protectors,

for Christ's sake?

Look, Mary, we don't want to cause a panic

until we're absolutely sure.

You're not sure?

How about the saucer in my backyard.

My father taking 12 bullets.

My sister murdered.

Legs that stand up on their own.

You're not fucking sure?

CHIEF CLARK: How can we be?

Zombie?

Space?

Vampires?

Sounds goddamn ridiculous.

Look, Mary, I agree, we have to tell the townspeople,

but we have to do this in a very, very delicate manner.

[SHOUTING]

At ease, soldier.

[CHUCKLES] This town is now under quarantine

by order of the United States military.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Colonel Harlan Talbot.

And I've waited for this moment my whole goddamn life.

I'm instructing every one of you to evacuate

the premises immediately and return to your homes.

Lock and board all your doors and windows because this

is indeed a state of emergency.

The town of Marlow is under attack

by vampire zombies from space.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN (ON TV): Military men in Marlow.

Our own backyards have become an intergalactic battleground,

as our nation's finest have been on the offensive,

directly confronting several strange craft hovering

over Marlow County skies.

Despite the space lasers, our boys

are holding their own thanks to America's finest

and most advanced weaponry.

Oh, take that, space vampire.

You might have noticed some decomposing ghouls snacking

on your friends and family.

Well, don't worry.

Our nation's finest medical practitioners

work around the clock attempting to uncover

how this monstrous infection spreads.

Most recent findings indicate that vampirism is to blame.

Infected humans spawn fangs, which

they sink into the supple necks of their prey.

It is not at all sexual.

Meanwhile, chaos ensues.

In fear for their lives, hundreds of cowards clog

motorways and crowd bus stations.

This no good coward, for example.

Why isn't he defending his country?

And what about this son of a bitch?

You'd think they'd want to defend America

from the space vampires.

They run away instead, pissing their pants like little pussies.

Marlow's finest citizens remain eager to volunteer as victims,

as test subjects.

Rather than die, their victim reanimates.

Their brains, now zombified, it is not at all sexual,

and the cycle continues.

Uh-oh.

Back to the drawing board, docs.

Due to the increasing threat, Mayor Douglas

and local authorities remind you to board all doors and windows

to help keep these horrifying, bloodthirsty monsters at bay.

This concludes our nightly ghoul broadcast

brought to you by mayoral candidate John Douglas.

Your kids will love how hard he is on crime.

[HUMMING]

COMMENTATOR (ON RADIO): --fast, and the punter kicks the ball.

What's that?

A lullaby my mother used to say.

You don't gotta stay here, you know?

What?

And let you two have all the fun?

It's about time I got a smile out of you.

I'm sorry about your brother.

I see him every time I close my eyes.

Every time I look at a pair of jeans.

I just wish I could--

You wish you could have done something.

When I was 10, vampires exploded in my mom.

Every night, since she blew up, I've walked through the field

where it happened.

Empty patch.

Tobacco never grew a peck.

Images of her body erupting would play over and over.

I was the one who dragged my parents out there.

I was the one who should have stopped

Susan in the first place.

Hey, none of that is your fault.

You can't blame yourself for what vampires did.

My whole family's gone.

I've got no one.

Look at me.

You got me.

And I ain't gonna let anything happen to you.

You hear?

Oh, Wayne, you're positive there's no way of saving him?

I don't think so.

Those things--

[BIRD SQUEAKS]

--they invite you in, take over your mind.

You become a mindless, bloodthirsty beast

with no soul left behind those cold, dark eyes.

You already got me locked up.

Can't a guy get a little privacy?

[GROWLS]

WAYNE: Mary, get out of here.

[SCREAMS]

Hey, porky!

Over here, piggy!

[GROWLS] Don't you touch her!

Come at me.

Don't at me.

Do it, Mary!

Mary, go!

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[PANTS]

WAYNE: Hey.

Hey.

I'm fine.

[PREMIER QUARTET, "BLUE JEANS"] --the grass is blue

The space up yonder

Refuse to wander

There pretty blue jeans

I wait for you

Here.

To stop the bleeding.

Get away.

That thing's gonna reanimate any second.

No, it won't.

I killed him.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HARLAN: Put your clothes on, you filthy barnyard animal.

You can show off your abdominal muscles

in your own sweet leisure time.

Now, cigarette?

Sure.

Right.

Good, isn't it?

[LAUGHS] Now, you listen to me, boy.

This could go two ways.

I can be a sweet and loving as a devoted partner who's

considerate enough to draw you a steaming hot bath

after a hard day's labor.

Or I could be as sour drives your crazy uncle who lives out

of town and beats you mercilessly

while your parents are away out on vacation somewhere nice,

like the island of Tahiti.

What's wrong with you, you fucking psycho?

Where's Mary?

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I bet you'd like to know that.

Where is Mary MacDowell?

Well, don't you worry.

Our doctors are checking all her vitals every hour on the hour.

Now, I need information.

I need lots of information.

And you are the one that's gonna give it to me.

You're gonna sing for me, little birdie.

You're gonna sing and sing for me.

Are they seeing this?

What, you gonna shoot me?

Well, hell!

Could be.

Hell, hell, maybe I shoot myself, huh?

Oh, hell, maybe I shoot a lot of things out there, fellas.

Maybe I'll shoot everyone.

Oh, that would be a goddamn show.

[RUMBLE]

But I'm betting you'd like that, wouldn't ya?

You, freak!

You see, I was there back in '44 when our nation stormed

the beaches of Normandy.

Nazi gunfire, slicing men's heads clean off.

Well, I tell you, I thought that that would be the craziest dark

shit that I ever done see.

But then, lo and fucking behold, middle of the night,

I get a phone call.

"Colonel Talbit?"

"Yes, sir."

"We got vampires attacking uncles."

Well, they deployed my sorry ass from wherever the hell

it is that I am from.

And they brought me here to try and take him down.

Now, I got good boys dying by the minute trying

to kill these sons of bitches.

We shoot one of them dead, the thing

just gets right back up, like the day it crawled out

of its mama's little cooch.

My men are literally becoming the monsters

that they are trying to stop.

And these ladies here tell me, hell,

that you know how to kill them for good.

Well, go ahead, razz my berries.

Them--

COL. TALBIT: Before you spin your web of lies

and try to mislead me with your false information,

I just want you to remember one thing that

I can be as fresh and warm and inviting

as a fresh slice of apple pie a la mode.

Or I can be as treacherous as a sly jungle croc, lurking

in the bayous of the Mississippi,

waiting to snap, mm, to bite it off.

Now, what's it going to be, private?

It's the heart.

Fuck you!

It's true!

You've gotta stab 'em in the heart, the only way

to stop their reanimating.

What?

Stab each one in the heart individually?

Well, what do you think I am, the multi-armed Hindu deity

Vishnu?

At the rate that these fuckers are multiplying,

that is simply impossible.

WAYNE: The only method that'll stop them.

Any other way will just deter the inevitable.

Unless we can deter them first and then go in for the kill.

Now that would be something.

[LAUGHS] Yes, I like this.

We arm the town.

There are over 4,000 people in Marlow.

Where the hell do you expect to get that many weapons?

[LAUGHS] Weapons?

Oh, ho, ho, my son, you are in the God-blessed United

States of America.

2, 3, fire, 2.

[INDISTINCT ORDERS]

[SPACESHIP SWOOSHING]

ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO): Citizen of Marlow,

mandatory gathering will take place this evening at town hall

at 7:00 PM.

The military will supply self-defense weaponry

and basic training against further vampire zombie attacks.

Oh, this is too perfect.

Dylan must have commanded Douglas to decree this.

[LAUGHS] It's brilliant!

We'll turn all these fools into vampire zombies in one go!

One go.

[GARBLED TUNE]

DRACULA: Dylan, was this you, forcing

Douglas to gather the humans all into one centralized area?

Wow!

What a smarty I raised, huh?

Dad, listen, don't get mad.

It's not that big of a deal, but I may have crashed the ship.

What?

What did he say?

What was that, Your Excellency?

Sorry, hard to hear you!

Going through a strange tunnel.

Dylan, what the fuck?

DYLAN: Calm down.

God, you're so freaking dramatic.

I'm fine, by the way.

What happened?

DYLAN: It's not my fault, OK?

I cut across on the outskirts of town

to deliver the bait of vampires. zombies, like you told me to.

And?

DYLAN: A malfunction with the cruise control.

I can't explain it.

The thrusters shorted.

The lasers went off.

The humans must have some weapon to knock our ships out

of the sky.

You must figure out what they've created to cause this.

You need to--

Disguise myself?

Already on it.

Meanwhile, we've been infecting humans on the perimeter of town,

and we're closing in on the center.

Oh, good.

The council will be pleased.

Dad, there's something else I have to tell you.

I've heard rumors.

The council has lost all confidence in you, Dad.

If you fail them again, they're gonna

have you killed or murdered.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Well.

[BEEPING]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Then I'll just have to see to it that my plan doesn't fail.

I'll go to Earth and take care of their leader myself.

[EVIL LAUGH]

[SIREN BLARING]

[EVIL LAUGH]

[LOUD BEEPING]

[EVIL LAUGH]

[GASPING, GRUNTING]

This way.

Sorry.

My bad.

[EVIL LAUGH]

The hell is that?

[SCREAMS] Get it off me!

I can't get a clean shot.

Then shoot!

[GUNSHOTS]

Ah!

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[WIND BLOWS]

MAYOR DOUGLAS: Douglas?

Holy shit!

You don't wanna eat me.

I'm old and fat.

Eat you?

What the fuck?

No, my wife, on the other hand.

Golly, she does calisthenics all the time.

I bet she tastes great.

Look into my eyes, Douglas.

[GARBLED VOICES]

MAYOR DOUGLAS: [SCREAMS]

JACKIE: My god!

John, what's happening?

MAYOR DOUGLAS: Vampires.

JACKIE: [SCREAMS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Oh.

[WHIMPERING]

Stay back!

I'm not afraid of you, you son of a bitch!

[SCREAMS]

Get him, Jackie.

Get out of here.

[JACKIE SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

OFFICER: Move it.

Move it.

Let's go!

Grab a weapon and get inside.

MAN: Get these kids out of my way.

What is this, your first alien invasion?

[ZOMBIE GROWLING]

OFFICER: Listen up, folks.

Old batboy here is completely safe.

He's been restrained for the purposes of this demonstration.

Now it's incredibly important that you

know how to defend yourselves when confronted by these things.

And the technique I'm about to demonstrate is--

is the most effective approach we currently have.

[EERIE MUSIC]

Now, it can be a bit gruesome.

So I'm gonna ask that you younger children

really pay attention.

Parents, if you could actually go ahead and force open

your child's eyes.

Hey!

Now, stab in their heart with a stick will kill the creatures--

Oh!

OFFICER: And prevent reanimation.

But it's not as easy as you think.

These things are extremely aggressive.

Is that right?

If you can get close enough, you try to stab them,

you would end up having your throat chewed to shreds.

So, as an extra safety precaution,

I'm going to ask that everybody here take a big step forward

so you can really see how it's done.

And now we have a stake.

And with one swift motion.

[ZOMBIE GROWLS]

You-- you might need to do this multiple times.

Oh!

Yeah!

Oh!

[ZOMBIE SCREAMING, GROWLING]

The-- the meat.

Yeah, you've really gotta work the meat.

In his heart.

On the heart.

Any minute.

It might, you anywhere near his heart.

You're stabbing too low.

Lesson 1, know where the human heart is located.

Here.

Take notes, Pig.

Lesson 2, the stab should be one quick, swift motion.

You might only have one shot, so you better make it count.

Quick and forceful.

Got it?

Yeah, no, that's absolutely correct.

Yeah, yeah, all right, yeah.

All right, let's get someone up here to give it a go.

[WHISTLING]

Mary.

[TENSE MUSIC]

OK, you can do this.

Quick and forceful, right?

Wait, I can't.

You got this.

You saw what I did that porker down at the station.

Wayne, these are people whose lives have been taken from them,

people like my sister, my father, your brother.

I know you said there's nothing left,

but deep down, it's still a human.

I know it's hard to separate these things

from the people they once were.

But if this thing wasn't restrained

and it came down to you or it, do you think it would hesitate?

I can't think of these things as people, Mary.

They're vampire zombies from space.

So I'll hold it like this?

No, let me show you.

Now, you really want to drive it in with one smooth motion.

Feel that?

MARY: Yeah.

Feel how warm the wood is in your hands?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, good.

Now plunge it.

[BLOOD SPLASHING]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Like that?

[NAT "KING" COLE, "WHEN I FALL IN LOVE"] When I fall in love

It will be forever

Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is

Love is ended before it's begun

All right, kids, we get it, quick and forceful.

That was great.

Yes, whatever, it's OK.

[SIREN BLARING]

MAN 1: Come on, everybody.

MAN 2: Never mind it's dark.

Just get inside.

COL. TALBIT: Hmm.

The Germans are coming.

No, you kill 'em.

No, you kill 'em.

You've got a bigger gun.

What?

Report.

As it stands, we've managed to quarantine

most of the Downtown sector.

Excellent.

Additionally, we've set up burn pits

for the bodies of those vampires we've eliminated.

[LAUGHS] Nice!

And that greaser kid, he was right.

Those stakes do work.

COL. TALBIT: Good.

COMMANDER CLIPPER: You should see their hearts.

Why, they pop like cherry tomatoes.

[LAUGHS]

Oh!

Commander Dylan, how are we doing in the skies?

Oh, you'll flip your lid to hear.

We're doing gangbusters, fellow human.

The superior vampire race won't know what hit 'em.

We have it made in the shade.

CHIEF CLARK: Really?

COMMANDER CLIPPER: Their ships, get them to the Earth.

We have to find a way to remove their transportation to Earth.

DYLAN: Yeah, about that.

Do we have a secret weapon or anything like that?

No.

Secret weapon?

Secret weapon?

Secret weapon, anybody?

No.

Yeah, one of their ships crashed down mid-flight

the other day.

[COUGHING] Was that any of you guys?

No.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

All right, all right, listen up.

We got troops surrounding the building.

We got choppers in the sky, or as I

like to call them, whirlybirds.

And we got--

CHIEF CLARK: Look at the mirror.

What the hell?

What is going on here?

How come no one's listening to my long-winded rant?

[SCREAMS]

Sir!

What?

Oh!

Let's go!

MAN 1: Somebody help me!

Ow!

I'll take that.

COL. TALBIT: Slap him.

MAN 2: Not this time.

COL. TALBIT: Not me, you idiot.

MAN 1: What part do I got?

COL. TALBIT: I'm holding him down.

Stop!

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Christ, he's one of them!

Gets up and uses a stake.

You may kill me, humans, but for your pathetic planet,

it's too late.

[SCREECHES]

What the hell are you talking about you coughing

sleeping son of a bitch?

Get him.

[EVIL LAUGH]

This is Fang 1, approaching coordinates.

VAMPIRE (ON RADIO): Roger that, Fang 1.

OFFICER: Little boy, here, take this shotgun.

Whoa!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Standby.

Zombie-- zombie, they've arrived!

OFFICER (ON MEGAPHONE): Everybody, freak out.

[GUNSHOTS]

VAMPIRE (ON RADIO): Fang 2, wipe them out.

MAN: Get out of the way!

[INDISTINCT]

Listen, about the demonstration earlier--

We need to get everyone armed.

Here.

Take these stakes and give them to that pack

of little old ladies over there.

Yeah, cool.

MAN: Gee whiz.

[GUNSHOTS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[ZOMBIES GROWLING]

MAN: Let's get some heat on those tanks.

I'm taking the shine.

[EXPLOSION]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Wallace.

Yeah, you know, we'd better smarten and give it up now.

Yeah, I reckon this is the last time they will have a chance

to wrap our luscious lips around one

of these long and cylindrical, tobacco-filled tubes.

Yeah, yeah.

[GUNSHOT]

Yeah, well, we won't make it, but we'll try.

[SHRILL MUSIC]

AGENT: One more week to retirement, partner.

I've got a whole box of these Cubans

waiting for me down in Old Mexico, not to mention

a hot piece of ass.

Get this.

Not only is he good looking, he's nice.

He-- he really gets me.

[ZOMBIE SCREAMING]

Yeah.

MAN: Shoot him!

Shoot him!

Get the fucker!

[GUNSHOTS]

[WHIRRING]

JAMES: This is Officer Wallace, requesting backup urgently!

We need backup!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[SCREAMS]

I can't hold much longer.

Get some idiot more men on this door.

[GARBLED VOICES]

Oh, oh.

Ah!

Wallace!

MAN: Go get some tobacco leaves.

Those will light up.

[TENSE MUSIC]

This is tobacco.

I know how to stop them with toba--

Hey, you're that disgusting fucking bat girl.

I'll get you, you fucker.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GUNSHOTS]

Whoa!

Anybody seen my glasses?

Where are my glasses?

[DRACULA MUSIC]

Oh, my god!

MAN: It's Dracula.

DRACULA: Greetings, humans of Earth.

Where are you, bat boy?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

DRACULA: Do not hide your eyes, humans.

Look upon your victor, your conqueror.

Your town is now under my control,

rightfully so, for I have defeated the Douglas.

[SCREAMS]

MAN: Yuck, Come on.

Stationed outside your City Hall

is an entire army of your friends,

your peers, your family, thirsting to turn all of you

into vampire zombies.

But what about the children?

They too will become vampires zombies, only much smaller.

No way, god damn it!

Listen to me, you ugly son of a bitch.

You ain't turning me into no space ghost.

I have lived them all my whole life.

And I'm gonna die in Marlow as a goddamn human being.

This fucking thing comes in here,

wants to take you and your young'uns and turn them

into zombies, and you all just wanna lie down and let it

happen?

Please, you're embarrassing yourself.

You saw the Douglas's head, didn't you?

Yeah.

That's true.

He's got a point there.

That's his head, so.

There is nothing you can do.

Nothing I can do?

Hell, half of Marlow is in this room!

We all got issued something from the military, didn't we?

Didn't we?

Yeah!

This fucking goof can't turn us into space zombies

if we're already dead!

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, come on.

I say we show this fucker what Marlow

know what America's made of.

Wake up!

Are you suggesting--

You're goddamn right I am.

Now, we might not be able to get all of them,

but we can at least kill ourselves, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

With the knife?

Is that right?

Yeah, come on, everybody.

Wait, what?

[SCREAMING]

Nope, I'm not--

I'm not fucking doing it.

I think mine's jammed.

[GURGLING SPEECH]

Right.

Where was I?

Ah, yes.

Feast, my children.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Let my children feast.

Gah!

Fuck you!

[GUNSHOTS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I got you.

[LAUGHS] All units, open fire.

Daddy!

Daddy, please leave.

And good night.

(SINGING) With roses bedlight

With lillies overhead

Lay you down in thy bed

Lay down now and rest

May your slumber be blessed

Lay you down now and rest

May your slumber be blessed

[LAUGHS]

Hey!

Thought we lost you there.

This is tobacco.

Wayne, do you have any more cigarettes?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Guys, tobacco.

Put the tobacco in to cigarettes!

Light your cigarettes with tobacco!

Wayne, give me a lighter.

[HARLAN GROWLING]

It's the cigarettes.

It was the cigarettes.

Oh!

Yeah.

Everyone, it's the tobacco.

Light your cigarettes.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Fuck you, vampire.

[HANK THOMPSON, "SMOKE!

SMOKE!

SMOKE!

THAT CIGARETTE"]

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette.

Puff, puff, puff until and if you smoke yourself to death

Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hate to make him wait

But you just gotta have another cigarette

Mayday!

Mayday!

I'm going down down!

Look out!

[EXPLOSION]

[VOCALIZING]

(SINGING) Smoke that cigarette

Who knew something as harmless as tobacco could be so lethal.

(SINGING) Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hate to make him wait

That you just gotta have another cigarette

Wayne, Dracula!

Yeah.

Hey, come here!

Wayne!

Wayne.

Are you OK?

WAYNE: Yeah, I'm fine.

Go.

Go!

[GUNSHOTS]

[FLAMES CRACKLE]

[ZOMBIE GROWLING]

Hey!

This is for my family, you son of a bitch!

[SCREAMS]

Jeepers!

That was--

Quick and forceful.

Hey, who's that guy in the cave?

Whoa!

Hey, Wayne, come piss on this vampire with us.

Come on.

[PEOPLE CRYING, SOBBING]

Officer Daniels, have you seen Chief Clark?

I'm sorry, sir, you're just standing in.

[TENSE MUSIC]

You want the last drag?

I might lay off those for a while.

Suit yourself.

You think you're gonna stay here in Marlow after all

that's happened?

I certainly don't want to be in my house all alone.

I just can't believe that they're gone.

Dad, he was our rock.

He made sure we were safe.

I might pipe up and say I'll keep you safe,

but you handled those vampire zombies better than I did.

You can still say it.

How about we keep each other safe?

PHYLLIS: Now, this one here is for the liquor cabinet.

And this one here is for the safe.

But Chief Clark most kept his alcohol in safe.

And this one, he just filled--

Hey, Phyllis, do you really think

I'm the right choice for this?

Oh, hon, no one else really survived.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Looks like there's a storm a-coming.

I reckon you're right.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello, this is Officer--

I mean, Chief Wallace.

No.

Well, did he finish?

OK, all right. thank you, Mrs. Alfonso.

PHYLLIS: What?

The public masturbator?

Well, we had a report that he was killed

outside the mayor's house.

Must be a copycat criminal.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[HANK THOMPSON, "SMOKE!

SMOKE!

SMOKE!

THAT CIGARETTE"] Now, I'm a fellow with a heart of gold

With the ways of a gentleman I've been told

The kind of a feller that wouldn't even harm a flea

But if me and a certain character met

A guy that invented the cigarette

I'd murder that son of a gun in the first degree

Of course, it ain't 'cause I don't smoke myself

And I don't reckon they hinder your health

I've smoked them all my life

And I ain't dead yet

But nicotine slaves are all the same

At a pettin' party or a poker game

Everything's gotta stop while they smokes a cigarette

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette

Puff, puff, puff until and if smoke yourself to death

Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hate to make him wait

That you've gotta have another cigarette

In a game of chance the other night

Old Dame fortune was doing me right

The kings and queens just kept on coming around

I got a full and I bet it high

But my bluff didn't work on a certain guy

He just kept on raising and laying the money down

He'd raise me, I'd raise him

I sweated blood you've gotta sink or swim

He finally called, didn't raise the bet

I said, aces full, pal

How about you?

He said, I'll tell you in just a minute or two

But right now, I just gotta have myself a cigarette

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette

Puff, puff, puff and if you smoke yourself to death

Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hates to make him wait

You've gotta have another cigarette

The other night, I had me a date

With the cutest little gal in these 50 states

One of them high-bred, uptown fancy little dames

She said she loved me

And it seemed to me that

Everything was about like it ought to be

So hand in hand we stroll down lovers' lane

She was, oh, so far from a chunk of ice

Our smooching party was going real nice

So help me, Hannah, I think I'd have been there yet

I give her a kiss, a little squeeze

She said, Tex, excuse me, please

But I've just got to have a filter cigarette

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette

Puff, puff, puff and if you smoke yourself to death

Tell St. Peter at the Golden Gate

That you hates to make him wait

You've gotta have another cigarette

[ELVIS PRESLEY, "THAT'S ALL RIGHT"]

Well, that's all right, mama

That's all right for you

That's all right, mama

That's any way you do

But that's all right

That's all right

That's all right now, mama

Any way you do

Well, Mama, she done told me

Papa done told me too

Son, that gal you foolin' with

She ain't no good for you

But that's all right

That's all right

That's all right now, mama

Any way you do

I'm leaving town, baby

I'm leaving town for sure

Well, then you won't be bothered

With me hangin' round your door

But that's all right

That's all right

That's all right now, mama

Anyway you do

Ah da da dee dee dee

Dee dee dee dee dee

Dee dee dee

I need your lovin'

That's all right

That's all right now, mama

Any way you do