Original subtitles

This is the police.

This is the police, ma 'am. Open the door.

Ma 'am, we received a phone call from a woman claiming to be in fear of her life

being held captive here. Open the door now or we're kicking it in.

Hi.

Is this your house, ma 'am? No.

Charlie. And where's Charlie?

He's in the other room.

I'm gonna fuck every porno whore there is.

I got vagina hanging off me like donut.

I'm going to fuck anything that moves.

You hear me?

Sir! All right, sir, sir. What's going on here?

She took my watch. She took my cell phone.

She took your watch. She took my penis, sir. All right, sir, sir.

Can you back away?

Back away, sir.

Back away.

Ma 'am. Ma 'am, come out of the bathroom.

Ma 'am, everything's fine. Come on, step out of the bathroom.

Both of you, both of you, stand in front of me.

What's going on, sir? What's going on here?

Do you have a watch? I have a phone to tell it's time. I don't need a goddamn

watch. Why do you need a watch? Sir, why do you think she took your watch?

She's got my phone.

I have a phone!

It's my phone.

Sir, is that your phone, sir? That's my phone.

You know what? You can take it and you shove it up your ass.

Fucking here, here, here. I have a fucking phone.

Take it!

Okay, ma 'am, ma 'am, calm down. Sir, what?

She's a fucking dog!

Hi, Derek. Okay. I got the girl here.

Okay.

All right.

All right. I got you. Okay.

All right. Take care, bro.

All right. Peace.

All right. Holly.

Okay. Go inside.

Everything's going to be cool. I'll pick you up. Give me a call and I'll pick

you up. Okay.

All right.

Peace. Take care. All right.

Yeah.

Before you come up, I'm gonna need you to sign just some basic paperwork.

I can do that. Non -disclosure agreement that everything happens tonight, you

know. Oh, no problem. It stays between us and all.

That's fine.

Let's do it.

If you could initial there, initial there, sign there for me.

Look it over with your eyes.

Perfect. Let me go ahead and introduce you to Charlie.

So right over here in this room.

Over here?

Yes, there we go.

Hey,

I'm Charlie.

You got it, Marty?

Is it?

No, it's penis pills. Gets the bloodstream faster.

Have a seat. Let's watch some porn.

Um, okay. I guess I could do that.

Um, hi.

Ah,

I love porn.

Used to fuck Ginger Lynn back in the 80s. Now that was a pussy.

Got a lot of assholes in the studio trying to tell me what to do with my

Big assholes. Watch me go rehab.

Rehab. Imagine that.

I just whacked Denise.

She couldn't handle it.

That's why I turned a porno horse.

Yeah, I'm going to fuck that whole of yours inside out.

You want to hit us with penis pills?

Uh, are those teenagers for me?

Fuck no.

You just gotta know how to handle it.

Get there and dance.

Yeah, that's it, baby.

Get there and dance.

Yeah, get there and dance, yeah. Huh?

Yeah. Alright.

So now, if you get married and you don't do anal...

Your husband is going to fuck hookers and you don't want that.

I want the fuckin' number one rated car.

I want the fuckin' number one rated dick in America.

Can I fuckin'

check on it?

I want to check on 2 million.

My grandmother's favorite show

I don't want to know what it tastes like.

Smell your fucking brain.

Charlie, you're dating that sucker.

Yeah.

You're the sucker that did it. Uh -huh.

Stand up to me.

Uh -huh. Oh,

yeah.

Right there.

Right there? Stay in that fucking car. Stay in the fucking car.

Keep going fragile.

Do it like that.

Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck.

Fuck,

yeah. Give me a fucking dick.

Give me a fucking dick.

Shit.

God damn it.

I'm going to eat your fucking face.

I'm going to eat you all in my mouth.

I'm going to eat you all in my

mouth.

Two and a half million fucking soldiers.

I'm going to fucking slam them all in my mouth. I'm going to eat them all.

Fucking reality show based off your fucking jizz.

Yeah. Just throw it all in my mouth. I just want to eat all of it. Just slam it

harder.

Harder.

Harder. Harder.

Fucking cum all over my fucking face.

I want to have a horrible reality show based off you jizzing all over my face.

No.

Wait. Ah, yeah, fuck yeah.

Fuck yeah, I'm still fucking coming.

Ah, you fucking... Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

That's my favorite color is baby blue.

Right? So you're going to do that?

What?

You know, Charlie, there's so many fucking assholes in this thing, but

awesome. Let me take a photo. Let me take a photo.

You're awesome. Smile, smile.

That's a really nice watch, Charlie.

Ah, you like my watch, huh?

You fucking promised me $30 ,000.

I've been stuck in this room for two days.

Because you've been watching fucking porn every day, you fucking freak!

Fuck you, you stupid prostitute. Do you know who I am?

Sir, we all know who you are. Now you need to calm down before we have to take

you to jail.

And ma 'am, why don't you get your stuff together.

We're going to take you downtown and get a statement from you. Get your clothes

on. You're going with us.

Do you guys want a drink?

So much better than that.

That's why I snort penis pills.

What?

This is from Platoon.

I'm running that house across the street. That mansion.

I'm going to fill it.

I know stars like you.

So that way all I have to do is just cross the street and I can fuck you off.

Really, Charlie?

All of us torn over up in a mansion that my dream came true.

Oh my God, I can't believe this is happening to me. Oh my God.

I'm going to work on the upstairs.

I'm going to redesign it with great, great

new...

The vine.

Oh, yeah.

Dream stand.

Really Charlie, you're going to buy me a Bentley?

Yeah, I'm going to buy you a Bentley and put you across the street in my

apartment mansion.

I'm going to fuck you like a porn star.

I am a porn star, baby.

see my porn live.

favorite movie I was in.

Teen Heart of the Fire.

I love that one so much.

I know I love that one so much.

Yeah. Suck that cock.

Suck those balls and get them all wet with your spit.

Yeah. Can I suck your cock?

Know what I don't like about network TV?

I don't show cocksuck

You've got to choose God.

I'm an expert at porn, as you know.

I'm an expert at porn.

Oh, yeah, you feel weak just talking to me, huh?

I want you to go down. I want you to dance.

I'll dance for you.

I'll dance for you.

Walk straight.

Show me your shoe.

Strip as you go, baby.

Strip as you go.

Suddenly got so hot in here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You want to fuck Alan?

I want to fuck Alan, can you?

Where's your phone?

Where's my phone? Can you take my phone?

You just call your fucking manager and fuck him up.

I want to roll it.

I want to bet on you.

I want to bet on you.

Oh, you make it so hard.

Oh, you make my birthday so hard.

I haven't seen you before.

Very much.

Yeah, you should, uh, big mansion for the car.

Oh my God.

Daryl Hannah and Wall Street Charlie.

Please, please, please. Yeah, I really fucked up.

Thank you.

then you wouldn't have to be a bad actor, Charlie.

Huh. Huh.

Huh. Yeah.

Yeah. There are no bad actors, only bad directors.

She never let me be Charlie.

Charlie likes to be Charlie.

Charlie never takes his shirt off.

I feel all that stuff you're doing with your hot little fucking pussy. Why do

you feel excited?

Oh my god, I want to do some more things to get...

Stay right here.

There's your pussy. I'll go get more things.

Yeah.

Here's to a beautiful...

All right Come

on you want some more stuff baby

Where are you?

I'm not feeling it. I'm not feeling the acting. There you go.

That's it.

Who's your third actor?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Put that fucking cap back on. Put that fucking cap on.

Put that fucking cap on. Do you want some more?

It's like christmas

Ow!

I'll do anything for you.

Oh, fuck my face. I want you to fucking fuck my face.

To get all of it down my...

right at you, fucking beautiful little fucker.

You can pick out which room.

Do you want to live in? Oh, push your dick and find me out. What is your

dick and find me out?

How come I can't see you?

I triple dog dare you.

Nobody triple dog dares me.

It's a breach of etiquette to go from single dog to double dog dare.

Straight to triple.

But I will take this challenge.

Because I'm trying to shoot you. I know.

So, uh, right up here.

Yeah. No, let's make it all nice.

Why are you fucking up there?

I'm getting up.

I'm up.

I'm up.

Give me a $20 million check.

Yeah. All those other girls.

Yeah, you fucking lay back and enjoy it, Harley.

Enjoy it.

Oh, my God.

That's what you paid $20 million.

No one else.

You

finished

it. I'll get you more, but you don't mind.

Look at me. Look at me while I fucking suck your cock. Look at me.

Look at me.

You're not fucking my boy.

Get my boy back.

Are you licking my ass?

Are you licking my ass?

We're going to go back over here. There's a

lot of stuff on the couch here that we could do.

oh my god oh my god

fucking point.

me to check for, like, you know, like, I think I'll cut you a deal, like, $5

,000 or more.

Yeah.

Right? Uh -huh. Right? Whatever you want, baby.

Right. Yeah.

$5 ,000, right? Yeah, baby. Sure, of course.

Right after I get you that car.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now I'm gonna fuck you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Fuck my pussy just like that.

Oh, yeah. You shut up. You're so...

Fuck yeah!

Is it the original stuff?

Oh, yeah. Fuck you.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God.

Thank you, Charlie.

Invite me over next time.

Yeah, yeah, party's still going on.

We've got more girls coming. Let's party! Yeah!

Are you listening to me? Will you turn the porn down?

Come on, Chuck's been blowing me up in the network. They're behind six weeks.

The people are going to strike. They're getting pissed.

I mean, your dick's going to fall off.

Didn't they tell you you're going to go blind? I mean, that penis filter can't

be good for you.

That is why I'm number one.

Because I stopped at Snow Rose.

Speaking of roses, look at that cut.

Casey Jordan.

That cunt's so big I can stick my whole fucking head in a minute.

Oh my God, you are going to have a heart attack, Charlie.

No. Penis pills are good for you.

I don't do... Just penis pills.

I'm dragging him.

I smoke him.

Jordan, these penis pills, this can't be good for your heart. I mean, don't you

want to do this show forever?

I mean, they were talking about canceling it.

I didn't even want to say it, but Chuck's still calling me. He's calling

right now.

You got to get me some porno whores.

Because I'm not going to stop until I fuck every single one of them.

You hear me?

I'm going to fuck every porno whore there is.

Well, you stupid pips, I need more!

I need more porno girls.

The Brie Olsen, Melody Rios, Casey Jordan, the big... Yes, big flopping

lips, vagina, to crawl in. Tanner Mays! Are you listening to me? Are

you listening to me, Rivera?

I'm gonna fuck anything that moves!

You hear me?

Penis pills are great.

Penis pills are the best.

I got some advice for Lindsay Lohan.

She can take her life in moderation.

Charles, this is the best penis pill ever.

Yeah. I feel so horny.

Charlie?

I'm fucking feeling on my clit right now.

Oh, he's feeling so good.

Oh, Charlie.

Oh, don't worry.

Yeah, I'm taking you now.

Yeah. I'm going to grab you and fuck you.

Fucking body, and you suck my fucking cock, you.

I don't like that, Charlie.

Shit,

yeah.

I don't like it, pal.

Charlie, I love your dick.

Oh, yeah, fuck, yeah.

Oh, yeah, fuck, you might be coming along.

Charlie, man, I got this shit straight from fucking China, dude. Last time I

this fucking shit, there was two fucking things you could see from space.

It was the Great Wall of China and my fucking cock.

And that's what I got, man. This is made out of fucking antelope tusk.

Very rare.

And then we've also mixed it up with some Viagra, Cialis, and I also put some

Rufanol in it in case.

You know, it may not be intentional.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See this, Charlie?

This is fucking ground -up moose penis.

How much more virile do you get than that? Now, what we did is we also mixed

this in with not only some Viagra, but also some Cialis. We like to call it

Cialis. Now, if you want some of these, you probably should check them out.

Those are top quality penis pills.

How hard would that make me?

You're fucking hard for the rest of your fucking life, nigga!

It's good!

And even after you're fucking... You'd be so hard that when you go to the

casket, man, your fucking dick would still be hard from fucking rigor mortis.

This is the shit you want, man.

Yeah, that's what I want.

I don't know how to get so hard.

I got vaginas hanging off me like donut holes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can't snort it, smoke it.

Don't want to do it. I just recommend you just take the whole briefcase and

a good weekend. I'll see you next week like I always do.

Grab yourself a beer.

Select for you.

So, Ty, ready for your pick -up, Charlie?

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Go back to your room

Fuck Holly Fuck

yeah

Bye.

You got a little bit of blood in your eye.

You always said everything had to be fine.

The girl.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, yes.

I fucking love that. Fuck yeah.

Fuck yes.

I know what you're thinking.

So you like teasing my husband?

You don't even know what you got yourself into.

Jason Jordan.

Big pussy.

What do you think of that pussy?

That is one really big con.

Look at those lips on that pussy.

He grossed me so much.

Charlie!

Charlie! I just got off with Michael's, dude. They just cancelled your show.

Hold on, I hear my manager's voice.

Charlie, the network dropped your show. Do you hear what I'm saying?

Charlie! Your two million dollars an episode is over.

Give me the big phone.

I have a phone.

Right there.

Hello? Hello, network?

Yeah, you know who this is, motherfucker.

Yeah, Charlie.

I'm the highest paid entertainer on fucking television.

You know who I am?

I'll tell you who I am. I own Monday Night.

Monday Night might as well be called Charlie.

Might as well just be called Sunday Charlie Tuesday.

But you know what I'm going to do for you, you motherfuckers? I'm going to

fucking take my show, and I'm going to call three and a half men, we'll blow

your shit right out of the water.

That's right. And then, you and me, baby, in the octagon.

That's what it's going to be.

They got nothing?

Okay.

Honey, Charlie, are you okay?

Hurry up.

I don't wanna murder people.

Oh, hi. I'm Chad, one of Charlie's managers.

You must be Kristen, right?

Oh, okay, great.

So, uh, I got some paperwork up here. You know, just simple non -disclosure

forms, little legal stuff. You know, so they got dropped by the network, which

we keep on the hush -hush, don't mention at all, because it's touchy about it.

So, you know, I just need you to sign out this form right here.

Sign it right there.

And, uh, this would be just a pain in the neck to mention anything, because

Charlie's privacy is important, and, uh, we really need to get it done right.

So, there you go.

Just right there.

Okay. Oh, wow. You know, Charlie's been a little bummed, so we made sure to hire

you from the luxury companion. Is that the one we got you from? Great.

Well, uh, he's right over there. He's a little angsty, a little anxious, so, you

know, just go and give him a massage, nice foot rub, something good.

Help him out. It'll be great. Have a nice night.

Hi.

I'm Charlie.

Want to party?