Original subtitles

Lyndsey and I have decided to live together.

End of an era, huh, Charlie?

From now on, no brother, no nephew...

just the sounds of the ocean punctuated by the soft voices

of prostitutes lying about the enormity of my sexual organ.

Alan, dinner's on the table!

Hey, I noticed this old pipe on the mantle.

It's a beauty.

Oh, it was my grandfather's.

Oh, wow, they don't make 'em like this anymore.

So now that he's gone,

what are you gonna do with that empty room?

Uh... why do you ask?

I was just thinking, it might be nice

to spend the occasional weekend here on the beach.

Well, from now on, this house is your home.

Do you smell something burning?

* Men.

Whoo, what a day.

Mmm-hmm.

Who could've seen this one coming?

Oh, please-- after seven years, you know,

I finally move out of your house,

and within two days, I burn my new home down.

You can't write this stuff.

I could if I used your skin for paper and your blood for ink.

I just want you to know that as soon as we get

the insurance money and repair the fire damage,

Lyndsey and the boys and I will be out of your hair for good.

Unless, of course, you burn her house down again.

(laughs) Funny.

See? That's what we need at times like this-- laughter.

(snide laugh)

I'm gonna take that as laughter!

Trust me, Eldridge is a great kid,

and you're gonna love Lyndsey.

If you can open up your mind just a little,

you will really enjoy having them here.

LYNDSEY: Damn it, Eldridge! Why the hell did you try

to flush a washcloth down the toilet?!

I'm not enjoying it yet, Alan.

Charlie, you got a mop?

Laundry room. Thank you.

Need any help, sweetie?

No, but if I need my house burned down again,

I'll let you know.

See? She is keeping

a sense of humor about it. (chuckles)

You've ruined my entire life, you know that?

You're right, I like her.

We've got a lot in common.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

What do you want me to tell you, Chris?

If you want to see your son,

you're gonna have to come to Malibu.

Oh, grow up!

You think I planned to have the house burn down?

It was an accident!

It was, you know.

LYNDSEY: Drop dead!

(phone clatters)

Whoo, I'd say she's a little miffed with your dad.

I'd say she wants to tear him a new one.

Hey! watch your language.

What'd I say?

New one.

Mmm, honey, honey,

uh, just a little heads up,

um, the boys could hear you out there.

I don't give a rat's ass what they can hear!

His father's a jerk and you burned down my freakin' house!

Our house.

Dear God, stop talking.

Aw, damn!

Hey, Berta.

Bet you're surprised to see me back.

It's my own fault. I let myself believe.

Well, I want you to meet my girlfriend Lyndsey.

And this is her son Eldridge.

And they're gonna be staying with us for a little while.

What'd he do, burn down your house? (laughs)

It was an accident!

Hello, everyone.

I hope you all slept well.

If there's anything I can do

to make your stay here more comfortable,

please be sure to tell me.

Thank you, Charlie. That is so...

Uh! He doesn't mean it.

Hey, Uncle Charlie?

Yeah?

You miss me?

He missed me.

* Men.

Honestly, I don't see why you can't live here.

You're kidding, right?

There's no roof.

So wear a hat.

My great grandmother's candlesticks.

Oh, Lyndsey, I'm sorry.

She smuggled these out of Denmark

when the Nazis invaded.

Really? Where'd she hide 'em?

Charlie, don't go there.

Oh, like I'm the only one?

Look at the bright side.

Even though we've lost some material items,

the important thing is we're all safe

and we've still got each other, right.

You're making my skin crawl.

Hey, guys... smile.

It's for your Christmas card.

All my stuff is wrecked.

Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.

Sorry isn't gonna bring back

my guitar or my X-Box

or the history paper that's due tomorrow

that I totally had finished.

Where's Eldridge?

He's drying out his weed in the backyard.

Weed?!

Wii.

Nintendo Wii.

I better go help him.

I could use a little Wii right now.

Is this my Armani jacket?

Oh! Oh, yeah. You know,

I don't know how that got in with my things.

I was gonna bring it back.

But now that you're here,

why don't you just take it with you?

Saves me the trip.

You know what? Happy birthday.

Not much of a birthday present.

HERB: Ding-dong.

Hi, neighbor.

We saw your cars out front.

Hey, Judith.

Incredible, huh?

Wow, this place is a wreck.

But still livable.

What are you gonna do?

Well, till the place gets fixed up,

we're all staying in Malibu with Charlie.

Really?

All of you...

at Charlie's? What are you smiling about?

You know what I'm smiling about.

Well, I hope the repairs go quickly

so we get you back here real soon.

Thanks. I'm gonna miss

your friendly face every morning

when I'm getting the paper.

Every morning?!

Our schedules synch up

when I'm doing my power walk.

Power walk?

What are you smiling about?

You know what I'm smiling about.

Hey! My pipe survived!

It's like a miracle.

Filthy habit.

* Men.

Oh, look, look, look-- The Towering Inferno ison.

No?

Oh! Stephen King's Firestarter.

No?

All right.

(chuckles) How about Blazing Saddles?

Too soon?

You guys are no fun.

I'm gonna call a hooker.

Charlie, there's two young boys in the house.

Let 'em get their own hookers.

Charlie, for God's sake.

Don't worry. I'm a responsible uncle.

That's nice to know.

I promise I'll get a quiet prostitute.

Believe it or not,

that's a real concession on his part.

Now where is my phone?

Oh, right, I must've left it in

the charred-but-still-very- livable remains of your house,

which he burned down.

You're gonna go over there now?

All my hooker numbers are in that phone.

So unless you wanna have sex with me

for $1,000 an hour, I need the phone.

You don't really think he'd give me $1,000 an hour?

If I were you, I'd get the money up front.

* Men.

Ah... there we are.

(to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"):

* A-B-C-D-E-F-G-...

* H...

Hookers.

Hookers, hookers, hookers...

Lookin' for a quiet hooker.

Ah, there we go: "Silent Betty."

Not a lot of coverage in here.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

You're right, let's just stay mysterious strangers.

This used to be my house, you know.

You the ex-husband?

Chris MacElroy.

Charlie Harper.

Alan's brother.

I don't usually admit it, but yeah.

What are you doing here, Chris?

I wanted to see what the damage was

and just, you know, sit here.

Try and figure out where it all went wrong.

What'd you come up with?

I probably shouldn't have banged the babysitter.

Yeah, that can do it.

I did a babysitter once.

My mom was furious.

Wouldn't drive her home and absolutely refused to pay her.

Want a drink?

Sure, why not?

To babysitters.

(chuckles)

Is this a private party or can anyone join?

Hey, Herb! Come on in.

Hey, Chris, long time no see.

Likewise. Grab a seat, have a drink.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

I told Judith I was taking out the garbage.

What the heck. I didn't say where I was taking it.

So you two guys know each other?

Oh, you kidding?

Chris is a legend in this neighborhood.

What was she, like, 19?

Twenty-two.

Nevertheless, quite an accomplishment.

Hey, is she still babysitting?

'Cause we're looking for somebody,

and everybody Judith interviews is fat and ugly.

Take it from me, Herb, you're better off with fat and ugly.

Oh, I hardly think so.

You'd really be willing

to risk your marriage over a cute young babysitter?

I certainly wouldn't risk it over a fat ugly one.

Can't argue with that.

* Men.

* Men.

I made us a snacky snack.

(flatly): Swell.

We have onion dip and cool ranch.

Always good to have a choice of dips.

And I chose you.

Zing! (chuckles)

What are you doing?

Just gettin' comfy.

Snugglin' up on the world's best pillow.

(chuckles) Mmm!

(farts)

Whoa. That was an accident, right?

Sure...

let's call it an accident.

Hey, can you take me back to Mom's? Why?

Eldridge is being a tool.

Whoa!

Dad!

It wasn't me, it was...

Yeah, I'll take you back to your mom's.

Hey, Alan?

What?

Try not to burn down her house.

Yeah, ha-ha.

You might want to light some matches while I'm gone.

* Men.

So, Chris, what're you up to these days?

Not a lot. After Lyndsey threw me out,

I lost my job, started drinking heavily

and I just found out I have a lump on my groin.

Bad place for a lump.

Tell me a good place.

Somebody else's groin.

Touché.

Boy, you make one mistake

and you pay for it for the rest of your life.

You only did the babysitter once?

Oh, no, that was two years, morning, noon and night,

but I count it as one mistake.

Maybe that's where he got the lump.

(knocking)

Did somebody order a pizza?

Hey, it's my favorite pizza boy!

I'm 38 years old, Mr. Harper.

I have high blood pressure and alimony payments.

You got a lump on your groin? No.

Then don't complain.

So what are you people doing here?

Having a lonely drink in memory of our hopes and dreams

that are now dead and buried.

Oh.

I'm in.

* Men.

If it's all the same to you,

I'm gonna stay with Mom for a little while.

(sighs) Come on, Jake,

I know it's been a little rocky lately,

but things'll work out.

Yeah, well, when they do, call me.

Hey, Mom. What are you doing here?

What is he he doing here?

He wasn't getting along with Lyndsey's son.

Maybe that's because

Lyndsey's son is a degenerate pothead.

He's not so bad.

He just made some bad choices.

So did his mom.

Yeah, well, you made the same bad choice she did!

Ha-ha!

(men laughing in distance)

So Alan's, like, I don't know, five, six years old,

and I walk in his bedroom and he's in there with the dog,

and I start yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!

Are you crazy?! Stop that!"

Looks up at me and says "What?"

I say, "Alan, the dog is supposed

to lick the peanut butter off you."

(all laugh)

To this day, I can't eat peanut butter.

Hello?

Hey, we were just talking about you.

All good, I hope.

Oh, yeah, it was good.

(all laugh)

So, what's going on?

Just having a drink

with a few friends.

Chris, I believe you know my brother.

The man who's banging your wife and burned down your house.

Hi.

Pull up a chair. Have a drink

with your girlfriend's ex and your wife's new husband.

I just brought the pizza.

I don't think I've slept with anyone you know.

Okay.

Hey, you know what I just realized?

You three guys have all slept with each other.

What? What? With all due respect, Charlie,

I think I'd remember that.

No, no, think about it.

They say that when you have sex with someone,

you're basically having sex with everyone

they've ever had sex with.

Oh. I guess you and I have done the dirty deed.

Because of Judith, not the peanut butter dog.

You told them?!

I tell everybody.

Wait.

So Herb has slept with Alan,

and Alan has slept with Chris, which means that...

I've slept with Lyndsey!

(chuckles) Yes!

* Men.

(farts)

(phone rings)

Hello?

How could you sleep with Herb?

Alan, is that you?

Who's Herb? Where are you?

I'm in our house.

What are you doing there?

Because there's nowhere else

for me to go 'cause you won't forgive me.

Why won't you forgive me?

You're drunk.

Yeah, well, you farted at me.

Good-bye, Alan.

Where's Jake?

He left hours ago, to get away from you.

Where's Alan?

He left to get away from me.

Where's what's-his-name?

The guy who owns the house?

He left to get away from all of us.

Hey, this is working out pretty good, huh?

You know, I envy you guys.

You've all been married, have kids.

Yeah, it didn't end well,

but for a moment in time, each and every one of you experienced

what it is to have a family,

to give and receive unconditional love.

My marriage isn't over.

Dude, you've been taking out the garbage

for two-and-a-half hours.

I said it wasn't over, I didn't say it was good.

Really, Charlie, you envy us?

Oh, come on, look at me.

What do I have?

A big house on the beach,

more money than I know what to do with...

and a cell phone full of candid video of me

having uninhibited sex with beautiful women

whose names I don't remember.

(chuckles)

(quietly): I don't think he envies us at all.

Good catch, Herb.

I gotta go pee.

Oh, uh, bathroom's right back there.

I know where it is! I used to live here.

Right, right.

That's a classy guy.

Using the toilet in a house with no plumbing.

Where have you been going?

Refrigerator.

I filled the vegetable crisper.

See? That's what I love about you, Charlie.

You're a maverick.

I gotta start being more mavericky-ky.

JUDITH: Herb, where the hell are you?!

Maybe tomorrow.

Hey, Lyndsey, you'll never guess

what we figured out about you and me.

JUDITH: Herb! See ya soon.

Alan, let's go home.

You came to get me?

Yeah.

You forgive me?

Well, I thought about it and...

Hey, Lyndsey.

Chris.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to see the damage

and I just started thinking about us;

what an idiot I was.

You were, you know?

I'd give anything to start over.

Really?

Uh, excuse me, but weren't you about to forgive me?

Can we go out someplace

and have a cup of coffee and maybe,

I don't know, just talk?

(coughs): Babysitter.

Well, I guess

there's nothing wrong with talking.

That's great.

I can't tell you how much I've missed you and Eldridge.

He really needs a father, Chris.

Uh, so I'll see you back at the house, right?

She left her kid there; she's gotta come back.

Would you come back for that kid?

She's never coming back.

(muttering)

* Men.

* Men.

You know who you remind me of, Alan?

Job.

Job from the Bible?

How many Jobs you know?

Job-- the guy God punishes just for laughs.

Mm! God punishes Job to test his faith.

Still funny.

(grunts)

What time is it?

A little after midnight.

(groans)

So much for that 30-minute guarantee.

Good night, fellas.

Good night, Gordon.

Night, Gordon.

So...

Guess it's just you and me, huh?

Two guys sitting alone in a burned-out house.

(knocking)

Hey!

Silent Betty! You made it!

See ya, Alan.

Well, sure, half and half sounds good.

Huh.

Maybe I am like Job.

But I am not gonna lose my faith!

(thunder crashes)

Aw, crap.