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1
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,472
I think you should move in.
(gasps)
2
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,340
You bet your ass
you're not going to do it.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,775
I'm moving in with Lyndsey.
4
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,677
Alan.
Lyndsey and I
5
00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,046
have decided to live together.
6
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,115
Well, here we are.
7
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:15,216
Final good-bye.
8
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:16,784
One can only hope.
9
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,686
Alan?
10
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:19,620
Melissa?
11
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,288
I've missed you.
12
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,889
So, seeing anybody?
13
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,023
Nope. You?
14
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:24,425
No.
15
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:26,427
Alan?
I'll explain later.
Hey, Charlie.
16
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:29,163
Don't worry, I'm still
moving in with Lyndsey.
17
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,299
This will just be
my pied-à-terre.
18
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,603
I'm sorry I have to go.
Me, too.
19
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,506
I mean that you have to go,
not that I have to go.
20
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,275
Why would I have to go?
I live here.
21
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:42,110
Can we do this again?
22
00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:43,744
Again?
23
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:46,847
Well, maybe you can do it
again, but men are different.
24
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:48,716
I mean another time.
25
00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,384
Oh, oh, sure. Why not?
26
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,519
I live here.
27
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,687
Okay. Bye.
28
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,489
Bye.
29
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,861
All right, I know what
you're going to say.
30
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,263
I don't think you do.
31
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:05,065
It was wrong.
I'm cheating on Lyndsey.
32
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,267
I'm lying to Melissa...
33
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,668
No, no, no, no, no.
34
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,171
What I was going to say is,
you don't live here.
35
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,107
You moved out!
Ah...
36
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,508
Not officially.
37
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,076
I never actually made it
to Lyndsey's house.
38
00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,044
Speaking of which,
I should get going.
39
00:01:17,111 --> 00:01:18,812
Alan, Alan, listen to me.
40
00:01:18,879 --> 00:01:21,882
If you screw this up
with Lyndsey, you're
going wind up back here.
41
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,083
And you need
to understand something.
42
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,718
There is no back here.
43
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:25,886
I got it, got it.
44
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,488
You know,
it was a crazy impulse.
45
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:29,523
Old girlfriend--
it was a one time thing.
46
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,725
Uh, well, technically
it was a two time thing.
47
00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,628
The second one
was in the shower.
48
00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:37,831
Well, that is where
you've been practicing.
49
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,635
You know,
50
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:44,772
you have to admit this is a very
curious turn of events.
51
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:48,209
I mean, seven years ago
I arrived on this very doorstep
52
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,077
heartbroken and alone.
53
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,380
And you had chicks
coming out the kazoo.
54
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,214
(chuckles)
55
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:54,715
Now look at us.
56
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,151
The student has become
the master.
57
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,354
Arrigato, sensei.
58
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:02,956
Ow!
59
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:05,659
You're welcome, grasshopper.
60
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:08,629
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
61
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,699
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
62
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:15,068
* Men.
63
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,171
Lyndsey, you in here?
64
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,939
LYNDSEY:
What took you so long?
65
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,541
I was getting worried.
66
00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,543
Oh, well, saying good-bye
to Charlie turned out
67
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,778
to be tougher than
I thought it was going to be.
68
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:27,315
He didn't want to see
his baby brother go.
69
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,882
You're kidding.
Nope.
70
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,352
You know, Charlie may
be prickly and crusty
71
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,087
on the outside, but inside,
he's all soft and gooey.
72
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:38,192
Kind of like
a pudding-filled cactus.
73
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,993
Well, I'm glad
you're back,
74
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:44,031
(singsongy): because I have
a moving in present for you.
75
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,699
Oh, great.
76
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,068
(whispers): Please don't be sex,
please don't be sex.
77
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,204
Ta-da!
78
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,407
Oh, boy, sex.
79
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,710
I sent the kids to the movies,
80
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,846
so it's just you and me.
81
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,515
So no interruptions.
82
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:02,450
Goody.
83
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,652
Come on, unwrap your present.
84
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,120
All right, um,
but how about, uh,
85
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,022
we make this one
about your pleasure?
86
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,157
Aren't you in the mood?
87
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,959
Of course I'm in the mood.
88
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,093
I'm a man.
89
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,995
Men are always in the mood.
90
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,097
Mmm, sex.
91
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,132
Shh, shh, shh.
92
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,168
How about we do
the first one fast,
93
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,271
and the second one
nice and slow.
94
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,507
Second one...
95
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:30,010
Oh, yay.
96
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:32,380
* Men.
97
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:34,815
End of an era,
huh, Charlie?
98
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,216
Yep.
99
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:39,987
From now on,
no brother, no nephew.
100
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,555
Just the sounds of the ocean
101
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:44,292
punctuated by the soft voices
of prostitutes
102
00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:48,128
lying about the enormity
of my sexual organ.
103
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,698
You do know how
to paint a picture.
104
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,434
What can I say--
I have the heart of a poet.
105
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:57,004
Unfortunately, the rest of you
is a drunken scumbag.
106
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,339
Cheers.
107
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:04,945
Ah.
Ah.
108
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,581
ALAN:
Hello?
109
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:12,152
Don't move, don't breathe.
110
00:04:12,219 --> 00:04:14,788
Charlie? Berta?
111
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,457
Oh, there you are.
112
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:20,728
Um, listen,
113
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:23,030
I know I said it was a one
time thing with Melissa,
114
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:26,900
but she called and wanted to see
me and I just couldn't say no.
115
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,268
So she's coming here?
116
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:29,570
This is where I live.
117
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,439
You know, as far as
she's concerned.
118
00:04:32,473 --> 00:04:34,007
Could you excuse
me for a minute?
119
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,208
Take your time.
120
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,077
Thank you.
121
00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:39,547
Come, let's talk.
122
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:43,183
Okay...
Are you insane?!
123
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,618
Have you lost your mind?!
124
00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:45,753
I know, I know it's crazy.
125
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:47,321
I know my future
is with Lyndsey,
126
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,956
but I have so much chemistry
with Melissa.
127
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,324
You can't keep this up!
128
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,892
Don't I know it.
Last time I was with Melissa,
129
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,627
I had to fake an orgasm
with Lyndsey.
130
00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:54,695
What?!
131
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,330
How does a man
fake an orgasm?
132
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,031
(erotic moaning)
133
00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,199
Ah! Ah! Ah...!
134
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,168
I get it. I get it.
I get it.
135
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,536
(yelling)
136
00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:04,505
Please. Please,
I'm begging you.
137
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:07,074
(doorbell rings)
Oh.
138
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,342
Okay, that's Melissa.
139
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,843
No, Alan, this ends now.
140
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,211
I swear, last time.
141
00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:12,145
Oh, you got any Viagra?
142
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:12,913
What?!
143
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,515
Not for now--
144
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,317
for when I go home to Lyndsey,
so I don't to, you know,
145
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:18,719
(yelling)
146
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,459
God, I missed you.
I missed you, too.
147
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:26,927
Hey, Charlie.
148
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,429
Hey.
149
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,765
I know a guy.
150
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,835
Ten grand, you'll never
have to see Zippy again.
151
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,269
Ten grand?
152
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,974
Actually he charges $500,
but there's a finders fee.
153
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,543
* Men.
154
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,778
Alan, dinner's
on the table.
155
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,279
Coming.
156
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,482
You're a great cook,
Mrs. MacElroy.
157
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,684
Jake, I told you,
call me Lyndsey.
158
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:51,485
Yes, ma'am.
159
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,554
You are such a sweetie.
160
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:55,823
You could learn something
from him.
161
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:56,624
Suck up.
162
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,159
Suck up with a drumstick.
163
00:05:59,226 --> 00:06:01,261
Hey, I noticed this old pipe
on the mantle. It's a beauty.
164
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,963
Oh, it was my grandfather's.
165
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,833
Oh, wow. They don't make 'em
like this anymore.
166
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:07,568
(as Bing Crosby):
Hello, boys.
167
00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:09,102
How about a little
orange juice with
your dinner?
168
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,271
* Ba-ba-ba-bom.
169
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:13,106
Is he high?
170
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:14,508
I wish.
171
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,909
I love a man with a pipe.
172
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,579
You should get some tobacco
for it.
173
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,081
Your dad's gonna smoke
a dead guy's pipe.
174
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,916
Yeah, well, at least
he didn't get hair plugs
175
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,785
and ralph on my babysitter
like your dad.
176
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,687
Ow!
177
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:27,621
Ow!
178
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,322
Now boys,
behave yourselves,
179
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,826
or I'll pull out
my ba-ba-ba-belt.
180
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,595
Alan, sit down.
181
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,063
White meat or dark meat?
182
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,866
I'll take a...
* Ba-ba-ba-breast.
183
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,568
Is that supposed
to be somebody?
184
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:41,802
(normal voice):
It's Bing Crosby.
185
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,504
Oh.
186
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,507
Who?
187
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,175
Bing Crosby.
The black guy with the sweater.
188
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,577
He used to have a TV show.
189
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:52,713
That's Will Smith, dumbass.
190
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:55,916
* Men.
191
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:57,885
(doorbell rings)
192
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:08,261
Huh. That's weird.
193
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,230
(doorbell rings)
194
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,833
What the hell?
195
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,806
Hey, Charlie.
196
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,908
Oh, boy.
197
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:24,478
Isn't this nice--
eating together
as a family?
198
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,814
(as Bing Crosby):
It certainly is, Mother.
199
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,349
Maybe afterwards we can gather
around the fireside
200
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,051
and sing a song or two.
201
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,022
Seriously, Alan,
that's not funny anymore.
202
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,825
And don't call me "Mother."
203
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,793
(normal voice):
Sorry.
204
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,729
("Up, Up and Away"
ringtone playing)
205
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,398
And in this house, we don't talk
on the phone during dinner.
206
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,900
Oh, right, yeah.
207
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,037
Terrific rule, but, uh,
but I just have to take this.
208
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,808
Hey, Charlie, what's up?
209
00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:58,812
Oh... Oh, she's there now?
210
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:01,214
Well, what do you want me
to do?
211
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,852
We're all going to die, Charlie.
212
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,522
No, no, no,
don't send her over here!
213
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,290
No, I'll be right there.
214
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:12,125
Just give me a minute.
215
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,831
Okay, let me tell
you something.
216
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,900
This is now
my house, too.
217
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,035
If I want to talk on the phone,
I'm gonna talk on the phone.
218
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:24,204
What's wrong with you?
Don't you nag me, woman.
219
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,239
Where are you going?
220
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:29,409
I'm going to take a drive
and cool off...
221
00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:31,044
Mother.
222
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,750
* Men.
223
00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,786
Here you go.
Thanks.
224
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,921
Doesn't Alan usually come home
right after work?
225
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,155
Usually.
226
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,124
Hope he didn't get
into an accident.
227
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,859
Nah, I'm not that lucky.
228
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,228
How can you say that?
229
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,797
I'm just stating a fact.
230
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,132
Charlie,
I'm home from work.
231
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:52,966
Melissa?
232
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,234
What the heck.
233
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,771
I wanted to surprise you,
but you were so late,
234
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:58,939
we started to worry.
235
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,208
She's using the royal "we."
236
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,744
I would have
been home earlier,
237
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,246
but we had, uh,
a situation at the office.
238
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,414
Oh, no.
239
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,182
What happened?
240
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:15,856
Um, well, I, uh, uh,
lost a patient.
241
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,091
Oh, my God, someone died?
242
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:18,992
Oh, no, no, no.
243
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,394
Uh, not, you know,
lost like died.
244
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:24,564
Uh, more like,
uh, uh, misplaced.
245
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,566
Oh, thank goodness.
246
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,235
Yeah.
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan?
247
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,202
Yeah?
248
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:31,071
I'm just wondering--
249
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:34,875
how does a chiropractor
misplace a patient?
250
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,546
Good question.
251
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,914
I thought so.
252
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:45,753
Well, uh, uh,
he's an elderly fellow
253
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:49,089
who in addition to scoliosis,
254
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:52,159
uh, also has dementia.
255
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:55,629
So I-I just spent
the last hour and a half
256
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,397
driving up and down
Ventura Boulevard
257
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,600
looking for a, you know,
shirtless, hunched over
80-year-old man.
258
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,804
Found quite a few.
259
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:07,374
But none of them were mine.
260
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,342
So he's still out there?
261
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,647
Yeah.
262
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,650
Did you call the police?
263
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,587
Yes, Charlie, I did.
264
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:23,023
What did they say?
265
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:27,060
They thanked me for my help,
266
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,628
and, uh, told me to go home
267
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,463
and let them do their job.
268
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,565
So, uh, so here I am-- home.
269
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,401
Better late than never.
270
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,537
Oh, please, you've never
given never a chance.
271
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:38,939
Do you mind?
272
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:40,908
Actually I do.
I thought I made that clear.
273
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,142
All right, all right.
274
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,577
Melissa, we can't
do this anymore.
275
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,646
I agree.
You do?
276
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:49,549
Yes. I think I should
move in here with you.
277
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:50,383
Here?
278
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,752
Here?
279
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,454
Why don't we talk about it
after we make love.
280
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:55,923
Uh, okay.
281
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,327
It could work.
282
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,196
* Men.
283
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:05,598
* Men.
284
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,067
(both moan)
285
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:09,136
Okay, I'm just gonna go home
and get some things.
286
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:10,637
I'll be back
in a little while.
287
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,806
Great.
(chuckles)
288
00:11:17,811 --> 00:11:19,512
That's really getting annoying.
289
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,514
Do me a favor,
talk me through this.
290
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,383
Excuse me?
291
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,752
What's your strategy?
292
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,320
'Splain it to me, Lucy!
293
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:31,224
Okay, admittedly, I may have
overplayed my hand a little.
294
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:32,459
A little?
295
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,528
You're living with Lyndsey
and you asked Melissa
296
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,098
to move in here!
297
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,299
Yeah, I got to work on that.
298
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,001
So, listen,
299
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:44,304
when Melissa comes back,
make some sort of excuse. Uh...
300
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,173
Oh, what, you mean like "I was
cruising Ventura Boulevard
301
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,441
for an old,
shirtless hunchback"?
302
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:50,610
Yeah, not my finest moment.
303
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,579
You're experienced
at that kind of thing.
304
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,581
No, no, I'm experienced
at promiscuity.
305
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,016
This is polygamy.
306
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,952
And frankly, I find it
extremely distasteful.
307
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,321
Oh, oh, this you find
distasteful?
308
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,657
The man who was asked to leave
Bangkok for moral turpitude
309
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:08,095
finds this distasteful?
310
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,030
That was a
misunderstanding.
311
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:10,697
Mmm.
312
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:11,865
I had no idea
313
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,633
it was an
endangered species.
314
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,703
Well, nothing I'm doing
requires a ten-day quarantine
315
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,205
and a series of rabies shots.
316
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,208
Oh. Hello.
317
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,110
Oh, Mom, thank
God you're here.
318
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,478
Your sarcasm is unappreciated,
Charlie.
319
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:27,614
No, no, really. You
got to talk to Alan
320
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,682
and tell him not to screw
up this thing with Lyndsey.
321
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,484
Who's Lyndsey?
My girlfriend.
322
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,920
You have a girlfriend?
323
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,154
He moved in
with her.
324
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,523
You moved in with
a girlfriend?
325
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,758
Yeah, and he's cheating on
her with his ex-girlfriend,
326
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,161
and he invited that
one to move in here.
327
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,196
When were you planning
to tell me all this?
328
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:44,932
We're telling
you now.
329
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:45,966
So as usual,
330
00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:47,300
I'm the last to know.
331
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,735
Mom, Mom, focus.
332
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,203
He moved out.
333
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,572
After seven years of putting
up with him and his kid,
334
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,808
he finally moved out.
335
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,676
So Jake is gone, too?
336
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,278
No one thought to call me.
337
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,981
Okay, as usual,
you're just useless.
338
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,185
Alan, this can't go on
any longer.
339
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:07,054
You have to choose between
Lyndsey and Melissa,
340
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,688
and you have to choose now.
341
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,624
You're right, you're right.
342
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:14,027
What to do?
343
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,196
When did he start
smoking a pipe?
344
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,398
I don't know.
This is new.
345
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,567
(cell phone chimes)
That's probably Lyndsey.
346
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,734
Which one
is Lyndsey?
347
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:22,903
The one he moved in with.
348
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:23,904
What's wrong
with her?
349
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:26,539
Single mom, teenage son.
350
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:27,774
So desperate?
351
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:31,244
Like a goldfish
in a leaky bag.
352
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,479
Oh, my God.
353
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:35,983
(chuckles):
Lyndsey is apologizing to me.
354
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,450
Says she was wrong.
355
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,551
About what?
356
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,088
What difference does it make?
357
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,756
I won an argument with a woman.
358
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,960
Which is why
she's the gal for you.
359
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:47,895
Go to her.
360
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,629
Love her, cherish her.
361
00:13:49,696 --> 00:13:51,098
I don't know.
362
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,867
Okay, then take her for granted
and treat her like crap
363
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,702
until she hangs herself,
but go!
364
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:57,704
What about Melissa?
365
00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:58,872
You have to break that off.
366
00:13:58,939 --> 00:13:59,973
You're right, you're right.
367
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,741
I have to step up and be a man.
368
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:02,943
What are you doing?
369
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,945
I'm telling Melissa it's over.
370
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,547
With a text?
371
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:11,151
Well, I'm putting
a little sad face at the end.
372
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:17,925
All right, well, uh,
guess it's time to go home
373
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,226
and come clean with Lyndsey.
374
00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,928
No, no, no. No coming clean.
375
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:24,297
Unless you're
banging Mr. Bubble.
376
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,501
But I-I don't want
to build our new life together
377
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,602
on a foundation of lies.
378
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,271
Oh, yes, you do.
379
00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:34,174
Listen to
your mother.
380
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,676
Trust me.
381
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,846
No good ever comes
from revealing an indiscretion.
382
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:40,981
And you know this how?
383
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,016
I'd rather not say.
384
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,618
Wait, so you're saying
when you were married...
385
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:49,022
Whoa, whoa, when did everything
become about me?
386
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,423
When we were born.
387
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,092
Hey, don't get me
started on that.
388
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,962
My episiotomy still itches.
389
00:14:57,664 --> 00:15:02,035
My point, Alan, is, it is
not fair to ease your conscience
390
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,437
by dumping your sins
on the woman you love.
391
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,073
Yeah, Alan,
don't be selfish.
392
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,074
(cell phone chimes)
393
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:10,210
(groans)
What now?
394
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,078
Oh.
395
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,780
Melissa's not taking it well.
396
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:17,350
"I hate you, you
stupid cork soaker"?
397
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,786
Auto spell check.
398
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,455
Anyway... I got to go.
399
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,191
Bye, Mom.
400
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:27,827
(sighs)
401
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:30,063
Okay, we dodged a bullet.
402
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,631
Yep. So now
that he's gone,
403
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,800
what are you gonna do
with that empty room?
404
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,702
Uh, why do you ask?
405
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:38,371
I was just thinking, it
might be nice to spend
406
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,573
the occasional weekend
here on the beach.
407
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:46,446
Oh, darling, you
should see your face.
408
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:48,481
(laughs)
409
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,917
* Men.
410
00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,552
Hey.
411
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,521
Oh, thank God you're back.
412
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,156
Sorry I stormed
off like that.
413
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,758
No, no, you had every right.
414
00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,394
I'm sorry I treated you like you
were some kind of houseguest.
415
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,396
That's okay,
I'm used to it.
416
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,266
Seven years with Charlie,
a dozen years with Judith
417
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,135
and all that time
with my mom.
418
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,603
Well, from now on,
this house is your home.
419
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,939
And if you want to talk
on the phone during dinner,
420
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,474
you just go right ahead
and do it.
421
00:16:14,541 --> 00:16:15,975
Really?
422
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,711
Can I hang my chiropractor of
the year plaque on the wall?
423
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:19,846
Of course.
424
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:20,847
In the living room?
425
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:22,182
Wherever you want.
426
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,251
Charlie made me hang
it in my bathroom.
427
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,053
Well, I'm not Charlie.
428
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,255
And I'm proud you're
chiropractor of the year.
429
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,524
Oh, oh, not this
year, uh, 2002.
430
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:34,261
After that, they tightened
up the voting rules.
431
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:38,031
So, uh, what about
acidophilus milk?
432
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,199
What about it?
433
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,201
I like it.
Then we'll get it.
434
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:42,869
And I can keep it
in the refrigerator?
435
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,237
Where else would you keep it?
436
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,239
Charlie made me keep
all my dairy products
437
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,475
in an ice chest
in the garage.
438
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,709
That's terrible.
439
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,544
I lost so much cheese.
440
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,347
Oh, honey.
441
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,249
Well, this is your home now.
442
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:58,518
And you can put your cheese
wherever you want.
443
00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:01,288
Can I sing show
tunes in the shower?
444
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,955
Charlie didn't let you
sing show tunes?
445
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,391
No, that was my mother.
446
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,393
Said I was effeminate
enough already.
447
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:10,430
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
you are all man.
448
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,031
Oh, Lyndsey.
449
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,366
You're too good to me.
450
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,568
Oh, it's only
what you deserve.
451
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,603
(chuckles)
452
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,906
Okay, I-I can't live
with this guilt.
453
00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,574
I have to confess
something.
454
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,008
What?
455
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:23,543
Okay.
456
00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:26,446
Uh, a few days ago, I-I ran
into an ex-girlfriend,
457
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:28,281
who I had a lot
of chemistry with.
458
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,649
And you had sex with her.
459
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,084
Let me finish.
460
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,222
No.
461
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,260
I-I did not have
sex with her.
462
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:41,928
Then why do you feel guilty?
463
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,498
Uh, well, after
I ran into her,
464
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:49,369
I, uh, uh, I-I
found myself,
465
00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:53,039
uh, fantasizing
a-about her.
466
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,007
Fantasizing? That's it?
467
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,476
That's it.
468
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,711
Uh, and nothing crazy,
just straight missionary.
469
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,715
Sweetie, we all fantasize.
470
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,618
Every time I go to the car wash,
I imagine myself
471
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,788
being bent over a soapy BMW
by a man with calloused hands
472
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:09,989
and no green card.
473
00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,224
Really?
474
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:12,225
Every time?
475
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,661
It's not always a BMW.
476
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,028
Come on, let's go to bed.
477
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,665
(chuckles):
Sí, señorita.
478
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:19,799
Don't ruin it.
479
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,510
* Men.
480
00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,512
(doorbell rings)
481
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:38,685
Oh, crap.
482
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,657
Where is he?
I don't know.
483
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,160
I'm gonna give you
one last chance.
484
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,528
Where is he?
485
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,830
I'm sorry.
I don't...
486
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,599
(screams)
487
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,834
(gasping)
488
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,306
(groaning)
489
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,908
What's going on?
490
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,877
She kneed me in the nuts.
491
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,145
What'd you do to her?
492
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:07,414
Nothing.
493
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,681
What'd he do to you?
494
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,750
He won't tell me
where his brother is.
495
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:11,618
I can't.
496
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:12,952
I'm not a rat.
497
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,622
What are you going to do
to Alan when you find him?
498
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,757
Oh, same thing I did
to Charlie, but worse.
499
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:18,925
He's at Lyndsey's.
500
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,328
1182 Bonnie Meadow Drive.
501
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,797
Sherman Oaks, big blue house.
502
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,666
Uh-oh.
503
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,034
(groans)
504
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,470
(retching)
505
00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,840
I'm sorry, Charlie.
506
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,676
(groaning)
507
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:38,878
Oh, stop whining.
508
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:41,748
On some level,
I'm sure you had it coming.
509
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:46,286
* Men.
510
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,820
So I was
thinking of
511
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,056
turning that little
storage room into a den.
512
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,024
You know, kind
of a man cave.
513
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,860
Whatever you want, sweetie.
514
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,194
Really?
Mm-hmm.
515
00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:58,365
So I can get a flat
screen, maybe a wet bar?
516
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:01,301
If that's what it takes
to make you happy here.
517
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,903
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
518
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:05,638
Enough talking.
519
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,874
Let's make love in our home.
520
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,909
Oh, yes, our home.
521
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:10,910
(both chuckle)
522
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,546
(both moaning)
523
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,984
Do you smell
something burning?
524
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,986
* Men.
525
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:22,989
Here you go.
526
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,191
Thank you.
527
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,759
How are you feeling?
528
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:30,697
I think she punched my right nut
up into my rib cage.
529
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,164
Poor baby.
530
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,033
You want Mommy
to take a look?
531
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,502
No, thanks.
532
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,804
I have seen them before.
533
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,171
I know.
534
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,309
I imagine they're hanging
a lot lower now.
535
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:46,145
Right back
at ya, Mom.
536
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,616
Touché, darling.
537
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,528
You will never guess
what happened.
35896
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