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1
00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,037
* Men.
2
00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:05,106
(heavy breathing)
3
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,644
Sorry.
4
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,782
It's okay, Alan.
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,985
I don't have to have an orgasm
every time we make love.
6
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,453
I did my best.
7
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,322
It's just that my sinuses
are a little blocked
8
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,057
and I needed my mouth
for breathing.
9
00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:25,459
Don't worry about it.
You were great.
10
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,427
"A" for effort.
11
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,196
Yeah, but on my report card
12
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:30,531
it's still going to
say "incomplete."
13
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:31,465
Don't dwell on that.
14
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:34,034
Let's just enjoy
being together.
15
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,869
I am enjoying it.
16
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,071
Ooh, thirsty.
17
00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:39,073
I need
to tell you something.
18
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,441
Uh-huh.
19
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,311
I think I love you,
Alan Harper.
20
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,445
(gasps)
21
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,879
(coughs)
22
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:47,748
Did it go down
the wrong way?
23
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,984
Yeah, that seems to be
the theme of the evening.
24
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,421
(coughs)
25
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:56,624
Are you going
to leave me hanging?
26
00:00:56,690 --> 00:01:00,161
You said it was okay.
You told me to stop.
27
00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:01,995
You know what I mean.
28
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,831
I just told you
I love you.
29
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,199
Oh, oh, that.
30
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,868
Oh, well, you know,
it goes without saying
31
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,037
that I feel the same way.
32
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,639
Then say it.
33
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,341
(scoffs) Okay.
34
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,209
(high-pitched):
I love you, Lyndsey.
35
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,346
Why?
36
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:21,682
Why?
37
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,317
What do you love about me?
38
00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:25,886
Oh, well, what's
not to love?
39
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:30,224
You know, you're-you're
beautiful and-and-and
40
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:34,094
strong and smart and sexy.
41
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,330
Uh-huh.
42
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,133
Uh, confident,
43
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,103
um, loyal, thrifty.
44
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,540
Clean.
45
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,276
Yeah?
46
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,411
Persistent.
47
00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,980
Well, why do you love me?
48
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,349
I don't know, I just do.
49
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,718
That's not fair.
50
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,420
Why did I get the
essay question?
51
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,191
I think you should move in.
52
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:04,458
(choking)
53
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,829
You want me to move in here?
54
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:09,897
Why not?
55
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,098
We love each other.
56
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:13,201
Plus, our sons get along.
57
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,135
They can walk
to school from here,
58
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:16,570
Jake's mom lives
just down the street,
59
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,706
and there's plenty of room
for him on weekends.
60
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:21,409
Sounds like you've been
giving this a lot of thought.
61
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,443
I have.
62
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,445
Is that why I got
an incomplete,
63
00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:25,846
'cause you were distracted?
64
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,381
No.
65
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,483
Oh.
66
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,186
Can you think of any reasons
why we shouldn't live together?
67
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:35,289
Uh, no,
not off the top of my head.
68
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,691
Which you were staring at
for quite a while.
69
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:40,694
(nervous chuckle)
70
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,432
Look, I don't want
to back you into a corner.
71
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,066
Why don't you
think about it.
72
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:49,136
Yeah, yeah, why don't I sit
with it for a day or two.
73
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,171
And you can think about
why you love me.
74
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,407
Okay.
75
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,376
Mm.
76
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:58,712
Oh, I guess I should
be getting home soon.
77
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,014
If you lived here,
you'd be home already.
78
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:02,716
That's true.
79
00:03:02,783 --> 00:03:05,353
That's funny-- I always see
those signs on the freeway,
80
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,455
"If you lived here,
you'd be home already."
81
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,089
And, you know, I
can't help but think,
82
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,792
if I lived there, I'd have
a big sign outside my window
83
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,695
ruining my perfectly
good view of the freeway.
84
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:17,030
And if you lived
next to the freeway,
85
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,400
you wouldn't be
getting this.
86
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,270
Mmm, mmm, hang on.
87
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,137
Let's just wet
the ol' whistle.
88
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,508
My mouth.
I'm talking about mouth.
89
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:30,444
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
90
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,414
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
91
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,049
* Men.
92
00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:37,618
Yeah, hi.
93
00:03:37,685 --> 00:03:40,921
I'm watching your commercial,
Cash for Gold,
94
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,690
and you just showed a woman
95
00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:45,459
selling her wedding ring
for $500.
96
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,295
No, I don't want to sell gold.
97
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:49,062
I want to meet that woman.
98
00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,631
She's hot
99
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,933
and we know her marriage
isn't working out.
100
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,234
Hey.
101
00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:55,969
Call you back.
102
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:00,874
You got any gold in your teeth?
103
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,243
A little. Why?
104
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,346
Just thinking.
105
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:09,883
Lyndsey told me
she loves me tonight.
106
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,018
Really? What'd you say?
107
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:14,855
What could I say?
"I love you, too."
108
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,256
Do you love her?
109
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,725
Yeah, sure.
110
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,327
What's not to love?
111
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,561
Oh, I don't know.
112
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:24,832
Her mood swings,
her idiot teenage son
113
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,567
and the fact that you need
a muscle relaxer,
114
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,370
a bottle of wine and
a jackhammer to get her off.
115
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:35,008
Hey, I told you about that
in confidence.
116
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,878
Who else is here?
117
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,115
The same two people know.
118
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,686
All right, well,
let's keep it that way.
119
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:48,722
She also said she wants me
to move in with her.
120
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,660
Is that forever
or just till you get her off?
121
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,562
Charlie...
122
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,296
You're right, you're right,
you're right,
123
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:57,931
that's a distinction
without a difference.
124
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,767
Are you listening to me?
125
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,902
Lyndsey said she wants me
to move out of here
126
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,203
and in with her.
127
00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,806
Oh, you were serious.
128
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,476
Well, that's great.
Congratulations.
129
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,977
When are you leaving?
130
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,112
I don't know.
131
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,881
I told her I'd think about it.
132
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,349
What's to think about?
133
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,150
She's a terrific gal and
she can make you happy.
134
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:18,786
But you just said...
135
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,088
Oh, please, that was
just me crackin' wise.
136
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,958
Everybody's got
a little baggage.
137
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,462
I drink and try to
mouth kiss hookers.
138
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,401
You, you're cheap, annoying
and no one likes you.
139
00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,002
Lyndsey likes me.
140
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,538
Which is why you should
move in with her.
141
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,940
But this is my home,
I'm comfortable here.
142
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,476
No, no, no, no,
this is my home...
143
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:47,014
...and before you moved into
it, I was comfortable here.
144
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:50,884
Now, now, you always say that,
but you don't mean it.
145
00:05:50,951 --> 00:05:52,352
Yes, I do.
146
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,588
Why won't you ever believe me?
147
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:56,690
Come on,
after all these years,
148
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,559
you're saying you wouldn't
miss me if I was gone?
149
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:02,362
I'm saying I'd very much
like the chance to find out.
150
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:05,198
Please, Alan,
give me that chance.
151
00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:06,967
No, I don't think so.
152
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,869
My relationship with Lyndsey
is fine the way it is.
153
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,472
I can come and go as I please,
I have my own space...
154
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:14,007
No, no, no, no, no,
you have my space.
155
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:17,511
Also a distinction
without a difference.
156
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,780
So that's it?
You're not leaving?
157
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,315
Like I said,
I'm comfortable here.
158
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,518
Comfortable, huh?
159
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:27,855
Okay, my path is clear.
160
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:31,992
Oh.
161
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,529
I can grow tomatoes
upside down.
162
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,899
* Men.
163
00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:45,439
(knocking on door)
164
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,241
Hey, you awake?
165
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:51,278
No, I can keep going.
166
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,446
Alan. Alan.
167
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,015
Oh, hi.
168
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,416
What's up?
169
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,384
I need a favor.
170
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,086
Okay, sure. What is it?
171
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:00,153
I got this girl upstairs
172
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,355
and I need you
to take care of her bird.
173
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,125
Okay, when you say "bird,"
174
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,461
what exactly is it
you're referring to?
175
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,630
Get your mind
out of the gutter.
176
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,500
Her bird.
177
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,068
Here.
178
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,937
Guess what his name is.
179
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,372
Mothra?
180
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,574
Larry.
181
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,109
Larry Bird?
182
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,045
Get it?
183
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,446
Chick's from Boston.
184
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,948
Anyway, I'd put him
in the living room,
185
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,483
but Larry didn't like
to be alone.
186
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:32,452
Oh. Okay, I guess.
187
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,921
Thanks.
188
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,289
Oh, yeah, don't put your hands
near his face.
189
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:37,591
And if you get up to pee,
190
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,026
make sure you close
the bathroom door.
191
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,528
Why?
192
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,462
I don't know, he's got
this thing about penises.
193
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,031
He thinks they're big worms.
194
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,935
Or L.A. Lakers.
Good night.
195
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,206
Good night.
196
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,686
(squawks)
Spank me!
197
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,455
What?
198
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:11,659
I'm a bad girl, spank me!
199
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:14,762
Oh, for God's sake.
200
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,997
Too big, too big.
201
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,767
All right, all right, Larry,
go to sleep.
202
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,035
That's it, baby. Oh, yeah.
203
00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,771
You're the best.
204
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,349
(urinating)
205
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,652
(squawking)
206
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:39,820
(Alan screams)
207
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,422
Not a worm! Not a worm!
208
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,158
* Men.
209
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:46,126
(laughing)
210
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,661
And let me tell ya,
211
00:08:47,728 --> 00:08:49,697
it wasn't easy finding
a hooker with a big bird.
212
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:53,033
Snakes, no problem.
They all got snakes.
213
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,603
Shh, shh, shh,
here he comes.
214
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,745
Thanks again
for watching Larry.
215
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:09,983
I'd say bite me,
but that's been taken care of.
216
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,355
Hey, I'm sorry if that
made you uncomfortable,
217
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,659
but from time to time, I do
entertain women in this house.
218
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:22,529
That thing tried to
re-circumcise me.
219
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,999
Maybe that's why
they call it a cockatoo.
220
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,771
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
221
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:33,741
What ever are you talking about?
222
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,475
I tell you I'm not moving in
with Lyndsey
223
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,111
'cause I'm comfortable here,
and three hours later
224
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:41,148
you put a giant penis-eating
parrot in my room.
225
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,818
And you think
there's a connection?
226
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,855
(mocking tone):
Yes, I think
there's a connection.
227
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,126
Damn it.
228
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,728
How do you get a guy
to leave your house
229
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,296
who doesn't want to go?
230
00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:59,132
Tell him you missed your period
and you're out of pot.
231
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,603
Always worked for me.
232
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,140
* Men.
233
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:13,113
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan, how are you
with the jumble?
234
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,982
Charlie?
235
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,516
What are you doing in here?
236
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:20,287
Right now, the jumble.
237
00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,589
O-L-C-U-D?
238
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,758
Cloud!
239
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,927
Cloud. Thank you.
240
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,929
What are you doing
in my bathroom?!
241
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,832
Not much yet,
but I have high hopes.
242
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,568
Come on, Charlie,
this is ridiculous.
243
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,904
Oh, I'm sorry.
244
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,139
Am I making you
uncomfortable?
245
00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,408
Not enough to make me move in
with Lyndsey.
246
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:43,010
Okay.
247
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,987
How about now?
248
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:58,058
* Men.
249
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,727
All right, bottom line,
what would it take
250
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:01,228
to make you want to
move in with Lyndsey?
251
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,131
For the last time, there is
no conceivable circumstance
252
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:05,799
where I would entertain
leaving Malibu
253
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:06,767
and moving in with Lyndsey.
254
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,168
(doorbell rings)
255
00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,937
Next time you drop the
soap in the shower,
256
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,940
I'm gonna forget
you're my brother.
257
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,709
Jake, your father's here!
258
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,944
Hello, Alan.
259
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:18,545
Charlie. How's it going?
260
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,546
Great.
261
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,948
Did you hear
Lyndsey MacElroy
262
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,482
invited Alan to
move in with her?
263
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:23,483
What?
264
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:24,785
She lives right down the street.
265
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,186
I know. You and Alan
would be neighbors.
266
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,454
Cool, huh?
Now, hang on.
267
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,989
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
268
00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:30,623
You bet your ass
you're not gonna do it.
269
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,160
I will not have my ex-husband
living down the street from me.
270
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,863
So you're saying it would
make you uncomfortable?
271
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:36,864
Uncomfortable?
272
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,098
It would drive me crazy.
273
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:41,668
Jake, damn it,
get a move on!
274
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,436
I'm moving in with Lyndsey.
275
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,906
* Men.
276
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,743
* Men.
277
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:50,978
How's the pizza?
278
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,045
Awesome.
JAKE:
Great.
279
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,914
It's a new takeout place.
280
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,282
A little more expensive,
281
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,583
but it's worth it.
282
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:59,419
LYNDSEY:
And for dessert, we have
red velvet cupcakes.
283
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,587
Oh, man, those are my favorite.
284
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,722
Hang on, Eldridge.
285
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:06,459
Something's wrong here.
286
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,630
Are you sending us
to military school?
287
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,332
No.
288
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,700
Of course not.
Why would you think that?
289
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,068
I don't know.
290
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,870
16 years of bargain
pizza with fake cheese
291
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,172
and Sam's Club vanilla
wafers for dessert?
292
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,176
I don't want to go
to military school.
293
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,178
No one's going
to military school.
294
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,481
But there is, uh, something
we wanted to talk to you about.
295
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,683
Here it comes.
296
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,385
Relax, it's good news.
297
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,553
Alan.
298
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,555
All right, uh, as you both know,
299
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:38,291
uh, Lyndsey and I have been
dating now for six months.
300
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,194
Oh, man, did he
knock you up?
301
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,562
No.
302
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,497
Just be quiet and listen.
303
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,299
Anyway, uh, we've both grown
304
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,335
very fond of each other
during that time.
305
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,570
You are using
protection, right?
306
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,572
That's none of your business,
307
00:12:52,639 --> 00:12:54,942
but I'm glad you're paying
attention in health class.
308
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:57,444
Uh, but what
I'm trying to say
309
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,646
is that Lyndsey and I
310
00:12:59,712 --> 00:13:00,580
have decided
311
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:01,849
to live together.
312
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:05,385
I don't think Uncle Charlie's
gonna like that.
313
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,188
He's never been real pleased
that you and I moved in.
314
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,490
Uh, no, no, no.
315
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,926
We're going to live at
Lyndsey's and Eldridge's house.
316
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,327
But I stay here, right?
317
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,896
No. When you're not
at your mom's,
318
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,197
you'll be with us.
319
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,432
So, I'm losing
my weekend beach house?
320
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:22,735
Yeah, but you're gaining
a whole family.
321
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,872
I'd rather have
a weekend beach house.
322
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,240
Do I have to share
my bathroom with him?
323
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,408
Eldridge.
324
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,742
What's wrong with sharing
a bathroom with me?
325
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,011
I like my privacy.
326
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,312
Yeah, we all know
what that's about.
327
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,213
Jake!
328
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,082
You're Mr. Whack-a-Mole, not me.
329
00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,950
Yeah, well, at least
I don't watch gay porn.
330
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:39,119
That was a total accident!
331
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,088
I don't want to
live with him.
332
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,755
Well, you don't have to worry
about it, 'cause I'm not going.
333
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,191
Guys, guys, come on.
No!
334
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,625
Forget it. I mean,
it's bad enough
335
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:46,793
you're sleeping
with this loser.
336
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,794
Eldridge!
337
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,096
Are you calling my dad a loser?
338
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,763
You call him a loser
all the time.
339
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,299
He's my dad, I'm allowed.
340
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,634
Uh, well, Jake, technically
you're not allowed.
341
00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,904
Is it okay for me to call
your mom what you call her?
342
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,138
What do you call me?
ALAN:
Okay,
343
00:13:58,205 --> 00:13:59,472
we've gotten
off track here.
344
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,540
(chuckles)
345
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,909
Uh, who's ready for cupcakes?
346
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,710
Screw you and your cupcakes.
347
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:04,912
Yeah.
348
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,119
I'll just, uh,
take one for later.
349
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,890
* Happy days are here again
350
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,927
* The skies above
are clear again *
351
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:23,130
* I'm getting rid
of the queer again *
352
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,698
* Happy days are here again
353
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:26,633
Hey.
354
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:28,101
Hey there. Ho there.
355
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,136
What are you doing?
356
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,270
Just thought I'd help you
357
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,371
get a jump on
the packing.
358
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:32,872
Oh, oh.
359
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,774
Well, you can unpack,
'cause I'm not leaving.
360
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,143
What?
361
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,344
No.
362
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,312
The boys just won't
go along with it.
363
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,181
You're giving those two morons
a vote?
364
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:42,649
It's too traumatic.
365
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,617
You know, turning their lives
upside down.
366
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,553
So? Let them be traumatized.
367
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:49,189
That's the trouble with kids
these days, not enough trauma.
368
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,690
Charlie, I'm sorry.
369
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:53,060
I know you were looking forward
to having the house
370
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,995
back to yourself,
but it's just not gonna happen.
371
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,164
Oh, it's gonna happen.
372
00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,733
As God is my witness, and by all
that's holy, it's gonna happen.
373
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,702
Amen.
374
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,537
Keep packing.
375
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,980
(sighs)
376
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,582
He couldn't spell
"miscellaneous"?
377
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,816
It's my life and my house.
378
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:17,650
I don't need your permission.
379
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,019
I don't care!
380
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,220
I'll just go live
with Dad and Stephanie!
381
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,688
Oh, won't that be nice.
382
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:23,890
You'll be reunited
with your old babysitter.
383
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:25,725
Excuse us. Walk.
384
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,194
Dude.
Don't "dude" me.
385
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,329
I'm in no mood
for "dude."
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
386
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:32,265
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
387
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,302
(turns off TV)
388
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:36,936
Dude.
389
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,171
Don't "dude" him, dude.
390
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,473
All right, what's this I hear
391
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,442
about you guys not wanting
to live together?
392
00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,777
I want my privacy and...
I like it here.
I mean, come on...
393
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:45,912
It was a rhetorical question!
394
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,147
I don't give a rat's ass!
395
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:52,485
Now, the happiness of
your parents is at stake here.
396
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,122
So we're gonna reason
this out like adults,
397
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,623
in the interest of all involved.
398
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,061
Here's $500.
399
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,895
Split it up any way you want.
400
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:03,997
Nice.
Whoa.
401
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,465
And that's just a down payment.
402
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:06,966
There's extra hundred in it
for every month
403
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,368
you keep my brother
out of my house.
404
00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,137
$100 a month?
405
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:13,340
That's, like, $1,000 a year.
406
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,075
Almost.
407
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,178
Do we have a deal?
408
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:19,679
Deal.
Deal.
409
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,048
Great.
410
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:24,684
I should write a book
on parenting.
411
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,521
How are we supposed
to split this?
412
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:29,889
I don't know, dude.
413
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:33,760
No matter how I figure it,
there's gonna be one left over.
414
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,962
* Men.
415
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,865
(piano playing
"Hit The Road Jack")
416
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:42,202
* Hit the road, Jack,
and don't you come back *
417
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:45,305
* No more, no more,
no more, no more *
418
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:49,109
* Hit the road, Jack, and don't
you come back no more. *
419
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,677
Okay, we're leaving.
420
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,212
What you say?
421
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:55,148
I said we're all packed
and we're leaving.
422
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,983
I know, I know.
I heard you.
423
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,186
I just never get
tired of hearing it.
424
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,589
Jake, say good-bye
to your uncle.
425
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,590
Bye.
426
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:06,059
Bye.
427
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,894
That's it?
After all these years?
428
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,130
Um, I had a good time here.
429
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,264
Who wouldn't?
430
00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:12,865
It's a beach house in Malibu.
431
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,467
That's what I told him.
432
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,971
So I guess I'll see you
at your high school graduation.
433
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,341
(chuckles):
Good one.
434
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:22,842
I'll meet you
at Lyndsey's.
435
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,077
Drive safe.
436
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,079
(inhales deeply)
437
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,480
Well, here we are.
438
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,550
Final good-bye.
439
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:33,520
One can only hope.
440
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,488
Come here.
441
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:41,961
You've been a good brother.
442
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:43,330
You were here
when I needed you,
443
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,931
and I will be forever
in your debt.
444
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,401
So, it's official,
you're never paying me back.
445
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:53,273
Boy, we had some great times
446
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:54,874
in this old place.
447
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,577
You're walking
the wrong way, Alan.
448
00:17:57,644 --> 00:17:58,745
(chuckles)
449
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,713
Remember when you set us up
with those two
450
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,783
hot soap opera actresses,
and then we both got the flu?
451
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:04,784
(laughs)
452
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,153
Soap opera actresses...
453
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,054
(harp plays)
454
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,656
Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
455
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,690
Drive carefully.
456
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,958
Oh, come on.
457
00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:14,427
Um, how about when you found me
handcuffed to my bed
458
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,929
wearing a bustier
and fishnet stockings?
459
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,532
(harp plays)
460
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,601
Sorry. Blanking on that, too.
461
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,436
Well, yeah, but-but you got
to remember when we did the...
462
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,238
Alan, Alan, Alan,
let me save you some trouble.
463
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,440
My past is divided between
things I can't remember
464
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,142
and things I don't want
to remember.
465
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:30,777
And you're both.
466
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:33,813
Right.
467
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,982
Then, uh, wish me luck.
468
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,385
You don't need luck.
469
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,019
You guys were meant
for each other.
470
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:43,055
In fact, let me start you off
on the right foot.
471
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,224
Here's a
hundred bucks.
472
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,392
Stop by the liquor
store on the way
473
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,726
to your new home,
pick up a bottle
474
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:47,927
of champagne to celebrate
with Lyndsey.
475
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,696
(chuckles):
A hundred bucks?
476
00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:52,465
For that kind of cash,
I could get a very decent bottle
477
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,967
of Chardonnay and still have
some walking around money.
478
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:56,503
Get the champagne, Alan.
479
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,005
Right. It's your money.
(chuckles)
480
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,006
Exactly.
481
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,641
We end as we began.
482
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:05,512
All right, so, uh,
I guess I'll call you.
483
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,513
Yeah.
484
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,880
Make sure you leave a message.
485
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,115
(laughs)
486
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,583
See, that's what
I'm gonna miss.
487
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,420
Th-the banter,
the good-natured ribbing, the...
488
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:19,826
(sighs)
489
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,896
I admit I had my doubts, Lord.
490
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:27,900
But you have delivered me
unto the promised land.
491
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,870
You're right,
I should change the locks.
492
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,941
That's why you're the Lord.
493
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,279
* Men.
494
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,849
Boy, I didn't even realize
they made wine in Oklahoma.
495
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,751
That'll be $8.49.
496
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:45,918
Mm. Here you are.
497
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,987
That's a hundred-dollar bill.
498
00:19:48,054 --> 00:19:50,790
You owe me $91.51.
499
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:54,861
Alan?
500
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,829
Melissa?
501
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,164
What a coincidence.
502
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,899
Yeah! How have you been?
503
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:00,867
Okay. You?
504
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,068
Fine.
(chuckles)
505
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,002
How's Jake?
506
00:20:03,069 --> 00:20:04,804
Oh, uh, he's good.
507
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:05,372
Charlie?
508
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,039
Ah, same old.
509
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:08,841
(both laugh)
You look great.
510
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,109
You, too. Gorgeous.
511
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:11,110
Aw, thanks.
512
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,612
(both chuckle)
513
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:13,780
I've missed you.
514
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,248
I've missed you, too.
515
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,883
So, seeing anybody?
516
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,518
Nope. You?
517
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,254
No.
518
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:29,596
* Men.
519
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:36,135
for you to call me out in the
middle of the night like this.
520
00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,870
You're doing God's work.
521
00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,173
Excuse me, pardon me.
522
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,442
Alan?
I'll explain later.
523
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,276
Hey, Charlie.
524
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,811
Hey.
525
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:47,847
Don't worry, I'm still
moving in with Lyndsey.
526
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,816
This will just be
my pied-à-terre.
527
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,622
Uh, that's French
for "love shack."
528
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:03,596
Okay, that's it.
Let me speak to your supervisor.
35662
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