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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,671
(watch beeps)
2
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:11,312
(beeping continues)
3
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,456
What the hell is that?
4
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:23,757
Oh, sorry.
5
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,794
I set my alarm so I could go
home before Jake wakes up.
6
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,129
Turn it off!
7
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,800
I'm trying, but
my arm's asleep.
8
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,605
Aah. There. Whew.
9
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,840
I can't believe
you have a watch alarm.
10
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,008
Yeah, it's a Timex.
11
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,077
Well, a really
nice knockoff.
12
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,479
Even has indiglo.
See?
13
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:48,816
Oh! Oh, for God's sake,
it's 6:00 a.m.
14
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,584
Oh, I know, sorry.
15
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,553
We agreed we don't want
our kids to know about us.
16
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:53,787
Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
17
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,123
Bye.
18
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,563
Guess a little morning quickie
is out of the question.
19
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,799
If you can do it
without waking me up.
20
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,571
You're not really
thinking about it, are you?
21
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,176
* Men. *
22
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,088
Dear Lord.
23
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,390
Charlie?
24
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:30,424
Huh?
25
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,860
You okay?
26
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,862
Sure.
27
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,831
Why do you ask?
28
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,701
'Cause... you're passed out on
the stairs.
29
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,537
Really?
30
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,540
(groans)
31
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,711
Oh, that's not good.
32
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,747
How much did you have
to drink last night?
33
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,749
Let's see...
34
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,865
I don't know.
35
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,872
I wonder how I got my pants off
over my shoes.
36
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:22,210
Maybe you took your shoes off,
and then put them back on.
37
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:23,977
Think it through, Alan.
38
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,679
For what possible activity
39
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:28,682
would I need my pants off
and my shoes on?
40
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:29,850
I don't know.
41
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,385
Chasing a reluctant hooker?
42
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,357
Can't rule it out.
43
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,393
So... where have you been?
44
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:40,994
I was with Lyndsey.
45
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,730
Who's Lyndsey?
46
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,232
Eldridge's mom.
47
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,099
Who's Eldridge?
48
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,235
Jake's friend?
49
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,870
Jake is my son.
50
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:53,341
I know who Jake is.
51
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:57,278
What I don't know is
where my pants are.
52
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,646
Excuse me.
53
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:11,659
(Charlie retching)
54
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:16,196
(garbage disposal grinding)
55
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,770
Guess who had
a Cobb salad for dinner.
56
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,205
Charming. I'm, uh,
I'm going to go lay down.
57
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:28,942
You know, Jake may not be the
brightest monkey in the meadow,
58
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,144
but even he's going to
eventually figure out
59
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,813
that you're banging
his buddy's mom.
60
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,982
Don't worry. I'll tell him
when the time is right.
61
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,284
And when is that?
62
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,785
When I'm sure
that Lyndsey and I
63
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,086
have built a solid relationship
that will last.
64
00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:40,821
In the meantime,
65
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,890
I don't want to complicate his
friendship with Eldridge.
66
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,525
Lyndsey's son, right?
67
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,293
Right.
68
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,227
(growls):
Ha!
69
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,963
Yeah. Yeah, very good.
70
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,133
The point is, I haven't
said anything to Jake because
71
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,002
in a lot of ways, he's
still a little boy.
72
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:58,672
He's not very sophisticated when
it comes to adult sexual...
73
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:01,775
...relationships.
74
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,484
Yours?
75
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:15,423
Alan, she's like, 16.
76
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,625
And... again I ask--
77
00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:20,794
hoping I won't be
called to testify...
78
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,497
Yours?
79
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:26,300
No, she's coming
from Jake's room.
80
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,001
Why would a girl
be leaving Jake's room
81
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,102
at 7:00 in the morning?
82
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,338
Why do you think?
83
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:32,540
Oh, come on! He's 16!
84
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,908
Not everybody waits till they're
a junior in college, Alan!
85
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:38,679
A sophomore, and I still
wasn't emotionally ready.
86
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:41,682
Well, obviously your kid's
a little more advanced.
87
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,451
No. No, this
is unacceptable.
88
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,654
He and I are going to
have to have a little talk.
89
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:55,496
Maybe he can
give you some tips.
90
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:58,065
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
91
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,868
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
92
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:03,103
* Men. *
93
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,538
Unbelievable.
94
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:07,741
My little boy spent
the night with two girls.
95
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,410
Two so far.
96
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,745
What?
97
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,481
We don't have
a final tally.
98
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,949
There might be more
clowns in that car.
99
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,785
You think?
100
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,120
At this point,
anything's possible.
101
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,822
There's only one
way to find out.
102
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:22,823
Hang on, hang on.
103
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:25,025
Come here.
104
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,527
Let's think
this through.
105
00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:27,895
What is there to think through?
106
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,498
The possibility of my son
hosting an orgy?
107
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,333
Now, not to be a stickler,
108
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:37,170
but technically an orgy requires
a minimum of six participants.
109
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,539
What?
110
00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:41,208
It goes... masturbation,
one-on-one, threesome,
111
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,810
two couples swinging,
112
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,513
two couples swinging
with a looky-loo, orgy's six.
113
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:48,181
It frightens me
that you know that.
114
00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:50,183
Everybody knows that.
115
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,153
Well, whatever you call it, it
needs to be nipped in the bud.
116
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,823
Now we're talking three girls
and a guy named Bud.
117
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,827
(angry sigh)
118
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,695
What are you gonna do?
Punish him?
119
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:03,664
Well, what do you want me
to do? Give him a merit badge?
120
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,599
Well, it is quite
an accomplishment.
121
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:07,000
This is not funny, Charlie!
122
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,301
Hey, I'm not laughing.
123
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,670
The kid's doing
better than I am.
124
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,805
I woke up on
the stairs alone.
125
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,475
Oh, you're up.
126
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,644
These were in the mailbox.
127
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,614
What the hell were they
doing in the mailbox?
128
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,683
I don't know, but
there's postage on 'em.
129
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,892
Well, I clearly had
a plan of some kind.
130
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,894
What's everybody
doing up so early?
131
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,897
We just saw two girls
sneaking out of Jake's room.
132
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,931
Two?
133
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,399
Two.
134
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:41,101
Taterhead had a threesome?
135
00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:44,705
We don't know that.
136
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,541
Maybe they were having an
all-night study session.
137
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,011
My God, he had a threesome.
138
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:53,747
Morning.
139
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,616
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
140
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:08,996
Hungry?
141
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:10,163
Yep.
142
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:10,998
Thirsty?
143
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,099
Mm-hmm.
144
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,200
Proud?
145
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,802
What?
146
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:15,936
Ignore him.
147
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,405
So, what'd you wind
up doing last night?
148
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:19,372
Nothin'.
149
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,408
Nothing, you say.
150
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,777
So, just an evening
alone in your room.
151
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:24,444
Pretty much.
152
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:26,780
Quiet? Uneventful?
153
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,082
Boring?
154
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:30,918
I guess.
155
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,286
Nothing I have
to clean up?
156
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:36,857
Nope. Wait... I did
have a sandwich in bed.
157
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,592
I knew it!
158
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,395
What are you talking about?
159
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,997
We saw the girls, Jake.
160
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,934
Well, this is awkward.
161
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:51,471
Two hotties, sneaking out of
your room. Up top, little stud!
162
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:52,640
Charlie!
163
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:54,407
This does not call
for a high-five.
164
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,943
You're right.
165
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,878
It's hugging time.
Come here, you dog.
166
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,980
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it.
167
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:02,783
I want to know what those
girls were doing in your room.
168
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,018
He told you: They were
making a sandwich.
169
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,254
Would you please?!
170
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,989
I am waiting for an answer.
171
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,191
All right. Their names
were Tiffany and Joanne,
172
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:13,093
and they're from my school
and they're into surfing.
173
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,329
Terrific. So what were
they doing in your room!?
174
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,431
Hey, chill!
I'm gettin' to it.
175
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,533
Yeah, chill!
176
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:20,668
He's gettin' to it.
177
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,672
They were going to
sleep in their car so
they could hit the waves
178
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,174
as soon as the sun came
up, and I said they
could crash here.
179
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,175
CHARLIE:
So...
180
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,743
nothing happened?
181
00:08:29,810 --> 00:08:32,312
No, we're just friends.
I slept on the floor.
182
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,347
Aww...
Aww...
183
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,348
This is not "Aww."
184
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,517
This is "Yay!"
185
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,620
Yay.
Yay.
186
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:42,289
So when I asked you about
last night, why did you lie?
187
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,725
It's usually
the simpler path.
188
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,027
And, and why didn't you
ask permission
189
00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,261
before asking
your friends over?
190
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,396
You weren't around.
191
00:08:49,462 --> 00:08:50,764
Where were you,
by the way?
192
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,536
I went to the gym.
193
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,339
A little, little cardio, uh,
194
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,041
spinning class,
light weights, uh,
195
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,577
you know, I'm just into
maintenance, not bulking up.
196
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,078
Don't find that attractive.
197
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,347
I prefer the lean, mean
swimmer's body.
198
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,282
You know, like...
199
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,618
Jesus.
200
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,754
Nice, Alan.
Drag our Lord into it.
201
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,723
Anyway, you still
could've called me.
202
00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:16,824
Or-Or asked your uncle.
203
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,358
You didn't answer your phone,
204
00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,527
and Uncle Charlie was busy
trying to mail his pants.
205
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,129
Oh good, good,
you saw that.
206
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,197
Did I happen to mention
why I was doing it?
207
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,165
Nope.
208
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,834
And you didn't ask?
209
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,369
Over the years I've learned
to look the other way.
210
00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,138
All right, all right, let's...
let's not get off-track here.
211
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,906
The important thing is
that if you're gonna
212
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,242
have company,
you give one of us a heads-up.
213
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,209
Fine.
214
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,344
Oh, hey, look.
215
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,780
There's a note in my pocket.
216
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,153
"Dear Inspected By Number 94...
217
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,990
"It is with a heavy heart
that I write to you.
218
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:55,328
"The zipper you signed off
on has snagged my ball sack.
219
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:01,234
"Thank you for your prompt
attention to this matter.
220
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:05,105
Sincerely yours,
Charles Francis Harper."
221
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,677
Well, that explains
the blood in my shorts.
222
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,647
I hope.
223
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:21,288
LYNDSEY: I've got a
little surprise for you!
224
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,090
Well, I've got a--
225
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:26,794
what I'm told is a perfectly
adequate surprise for you.
226
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:30,363
You like?
227
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,299
Oh, yes. (chuckles)
228
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:35,202
Your surprise has greatly
enhanced my surprise.
229
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:40,941
Oh, is that whipped cream, or
are you planning to shave me?
230
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,744
I mean, y'know,
I'm fine either way.
231
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,645
It's whipped cream, Alan.
232
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,647
Oh, okay. Uh, fat-free?
233
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,482
'Cause I'm trying
to cut down.
234
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,687
Relax. You're not going to
be the one licking it up.
235
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,923
(whipping cream whooshing)
236
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,924
Oh!
237
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,360
Well, bon appetit.
238
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,729
(giggles)
239
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:02,830
(door slams)
240
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,031
ELDRIDGE:
Ma!
241
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,132
Damn.
242
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:07,400
Eldridge! Why aren't
you in school?
243
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,737
ELDRIDGE: It's a half day!
Teachers' conference.
244
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,438
How come I didn't
know about that?
245
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,773
ELDRIDGE:
I don't know.
246
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,574
Jake's gonna
stay for dinner, okay?
247
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:17,310
Uh... did he ask his dad?
248
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,947
JAKE: Yes, Mrs. MacElroy,
he said it's fine.
249
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,548
No, he didn't, he's
totally lying!
250
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,783
Shh!
251
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,952
He's been lying
a lot lately.
252
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:28,088
Boy, you try to bring a
kid up with some values.
253
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:29,923
Hand me a tissue,
will you?
254
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:32,625
The whipped cream's
dripping into my crack.
Okay.
255
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,661
Want some pie?
256
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,696
Sure. Got any
whipped cream?
257
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,767
Usually we do.
258
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,234
I don't see it.
259
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,904
Man, we go through a lot of
whipped cream in this house.
260
00:11:44,772 --> 00:11:46,073
(thudding)
261
00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:54,114
(dog barking)
262
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,717
Was that my dad?
263
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,452
* Men. *
264
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,456
* Men. *
265
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,401
Hi.
266
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:20,440
Hello.
267
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,944
Did you know Rottweilers
are attracted
268
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:25,245
to the scent
of whipped cream?
269
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,580
Matter of fact,
I did know that.
270
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,582
Mmm.
271
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:30,483
I just
learned it.
272
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,786
Mmm.
273
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:33,954
Jake almost
caught me
274
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,755
sneaking out of
Lyndsey's house.
275
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:36,756
Really?
276
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:37,757
Close call.
277
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,226
One question.
278
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,227
Yeah?
279
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:41,294
Whose idea was it to
280
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,163
spice things up
with a large dog?
281
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:46,133
The dog was not
with us in bed.
282
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,600
The dog was
being walked
283
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,002
by a nine-year-old girl
284
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,504
who was not quite capable
of holding onto the leash
285
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,540
when he got
a whiff of
286
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,476
my non-fat,
dairy-scented crotch.
287
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,379
Okay. Okay.
288
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,114
I'm not judging,
289
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:04,617
but why was a nine-year-
old girl walking her dog
290
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:05,652
through
Lyndsey's bedroom?
291
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,620
No. The girl
was on the street
292
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:08,755
with the dog.
293
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,890
Oh.
Hmm.
294
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:10,891
All right,
another question.
295
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,325
I was on the street
296
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:14,461
'cause I was sneaking
out of Lyndsey's house.
297
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:15,896
Ah!
298
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,730
You know, for
such a boring guy,
299
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,100
you lead a very
complicated life.
300
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:26,073
Yeah, it's a
paradox, isn't it?
301
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,342
Iced tea?
302
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,311
I decided when you
try to mail your pants
303
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:32,980
to a garment
inspector in Malaysia,
304
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,348
it's time to
quit drinking.
305
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,155
Some might say that
day came and went
306
00:13:42,222 --> 00:13:44,557
when you gave
yourself that haircut.
307
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,562
But good for you.
308
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:51,031
Yep.
(clears throat)
309
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:53,600
Long overdue.
310
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,537
You want a beer?
311
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,206
I did. And I am.
312
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,474
My drinking
days are over.
313
00:14:02,575 --> 00:14:04,044
See?
Beer.
314
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,348
(door slams)
315
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,149
JAKE:
Hello?
316
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,850
Uh... uh... in here!
317
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,920
Ixnay on the
ottweiler-Ray!
318
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,254
What?
319
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,923
The oggy-day who tried
to ite-bay my alls-bay.
320
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,424
Hey, buddy!
321
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,926
I'm not
your buddy.
322
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:19,927
What?
323
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,228
I just came to
get my stuff.
324
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,795
I'm staying with Mom
and Herb from now on.
325
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,763
Why?
326
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,098
I saw you sneaking out
327
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,333
of Eldridge's house.
328
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:29,602
Oh, Alan, no!
329
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:33,373
Are you crazy, having sex
with my best friend's mom?
330
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,143
Shame on you!
331
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,777
I had no
idea, Jake.
332
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,812
I, I, I, I was
gonna tell you,
333
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,847
you know, eventually.
334
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,682
You're such a liar.
335
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,317
Oh, oh, oh, I'm a liar?
336
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:46,653
What were you doing at
Eldridge's in the first place?
337
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,889
You certainly didn't
ask permission from me!
338
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,360
Attaboy.
339
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,362
Trying to take
the high road
340
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,831
with a crotch full of whipped
cream and dog spittle.
341
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,034
* Men. *
342
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,803
Ah.
343
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,639
You know, I feel a lot better
since I've stopped drinking.
344
00:15:09,809 --> 00:15:12,045
Yeah, we're all
proud of you.
345
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,513
I have
more energy,
346
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,215
I'm certainly
more clear-headed.
347
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:16,649
In fact, the
only downside is
348
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,618
I might have to put a
chip clip on my johnson
349
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,954
to keep from
peeing my pants.
350
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:23,423
I really screwed up, Charlie.
351
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,592
I should've been honest
with Jake from the beginning.
352
00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:27,360
Just told him I was
seeing his friend's mother.
353
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,097
Or, you could've not slept
with his friend's mother
354
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,331
in the first place.
355
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,599
Really?
356
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,002
You're going to preach
sexual restraint to me?
357
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:38,138
Let me explain
something to you, Alan.
358
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,307
Jake expects me
to betray his trust.
359
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,942
You, on the other hand, are
held to a higher standard.
360
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,477
Is that so?
It is!
361
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,846
You're like some
kind of right-wing,
362
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,315
pro-family
values senator,
363
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:50,150
caught on his knees
in an airport toilet
364
00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,851
with a
male hooker.
365
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:54,421
Whereas I am a
well-known rascal.
366
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,724
When I don't do
the wrong thing,
367
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:58,925
people are
disappointed.
368
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:01,294
Is that supposed to
make me feel better?
369
00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,463
No, the story was about me.
370
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,532
God, you're such
a narcissist.
371
00:16:05,598 --> 00:16:08,801
You know what, I can't just
sit here and do nothing.
372
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,937
I owe Jake an apology.
373
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,073
You're going to Judith's?
I'll come with you.
374
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,175
Why?
Why?
375
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,210
You're my brother,
I want to support you.
376
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,312
Really?
Nah, I'm just outta beer.
377
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,816
But I do love that you
still fall for that.
378
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,786
* Men. *
379
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:28,955
JUDITH: Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.
380
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:31,191
I am. I haven't
had a drink all day.
381
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,093
She was talking
to me, Charlie,
382
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:34,394
and no, I'm not.
383
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:35,795
Okay, Millie's
finally asleep.
384
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:38,831
Ooh, is
that real beer?
385
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,233
Knock yourself out.
386
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,602
Oh, thanks! I'm gonna regret
this in the morning.
387
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:48,175
My God, Alan, I can't
believe you're sleeping
with Lyndsey MacElroy.
388
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,310
You're sleeping with
Lyndsey MacElroy?
389
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,246
My man!
390
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:54,814
How could
you do that?
391
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:55,915
Yeah, how?
392
00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,685
Don't leave
anything out.
393
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,253
Well, it just happened.
394
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,489
Her son and Jake are friends,
which is how we met,
395
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,257
and we, you know, hit it off.
396
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,959
You don't sleep with
your son's friend's mother.
397
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,027
No, no.
398
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:10,730
You marry his pediatrician.
399
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:17,937
He's got you
there, sweetie.
400
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:20,073
You know, there's
a rumor going around
401
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,075
that Lyndsey was in
a soft-core porn movie
402
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:22,942
before she got married.
403
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,477
Really? Which one?
404
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,913
I don't know, but I've
been checking Cinemax
405
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:27,980
every night for months.
406
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,649
Oh, I love their stuff.
407
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,617
It's classy, right?
408
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,585
A little story,
nice lighting,
409
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:36,123
and you never have to
see the guy's junk.
410
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,624
What is
wrong with you?
411
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:40,460
You don't like seeing
that stuff, either.
412
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,896
I think that's
enough beer, sweetheart.
413
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:45,165
I'll get Jake.
414
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,267
There you go, pal.
415
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,402
Thanks, but you heard her.
I've had enough.
416
00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:54,707
Boy, oh, boy,
Lyndsey MacElroy.
417
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,042
You are one lucky ducky.
418
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,478
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
419
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,513
You know, sometimes
I drive past her house
420
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,116
and she's out watering her
lawn in her shorty shorts
421
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,184
and her halter top.
422
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:05,752
Cowabunga!
423
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,021
JUDITH: No one wants
to talk to him,
424
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,923
but he's your father.
425
00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,325
Oh, hey, buddy.
426
00:18:12,392 --> 00:18:13,326
What do
you want?
427
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,562
What I want is to apologize
428
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,797
for not telling you about
me and Eldridge's mom.
429
00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:19,599
You know, this is
between you guys.
430
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,701
I'm just gonna go
take a hot shower.
431
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,038
Eldridge doesn't want to
be friends with me anymore.
432
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,941
Oh, I am so sorry.
But, but this can't
be the first time
433
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:30,210
something like this
has happened.
434
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,911
I mean, how many times
has your Uncle Charlie
435
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,213
slept with
somebody you knew?
436
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,415
Yeah, but I expect
that from him.
437
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,551
See, Alan? I'm Teflon.
438
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,655
You're a perv,
is what you are.
439
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,058
And it's not just that
you were sleeping with her,
440
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,527
it's that you
lied to me about it.
441
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:48,495
You're right.
442
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,363
I should've told
you the truth.
443
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:51,964
And, and Lyndsey
should've told Eldridge.
444
00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:54,501
But when it happened, we didn't
know if it would even last.
445
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,269
I just don't like you
keeping things from me.
446
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,371
That's fair, and, and,
and I'll make you a deal.
447
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,140
From now on, I will be
open and honest with you
448
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,342
and you'll do
the same with me.
449
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,877
Deal?
I guess.
450
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,379
Thanks.
451
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,215
I have to go
finish my homework.
452
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,982
Okay. So, uh... I'll
see you this weekend?
453
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,117
Sure.
454
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,119
Great. (sighs)
Love you, buddy.
455
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:14,321
Don't push it, Dad.
456
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,557
You're lucky
he's so forgiving.
457
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,259
Takes after his mom, huh?
458
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,695
Um, you know,
we should go.
459
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,465
I gotta pee.
You mind, Judith?
460
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,234
Just try to hit
the bowl this time.
461
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,403
Don't worry, I only miss
when I've been drinking.
462
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:33,773
ALAN:
I'll wait in the car.
463
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,242
Hey, Judith?
464
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,177
Is there surfing
around here?
465
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:39,379
What are you talking about?
466
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:40,813
We're 20 miles
from the beach.
467
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,315
That's what I thought.
468
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,016
I am so proud of that kid.
469
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:46,353
* Men. *
470
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,922
Isn't this nice?
471
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,392
The four of us sitting
down, having dinner.
472
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,527
Open.
Honest.
473
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,495
No secrets.
474
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,564
Yeah.
Thrilling.
475
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:58,465
(laughs)
476
00:19:58,531 --> 00:19:59,899
So, Jake, your dad tells me
477
00:19:59,966 --> 00:20:01,468
you're getting into
the surfing scene?
478
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,702
What do you mean?
479
00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,404
You know, uh,
Tiffany and Joanne.
480
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:05,805
Oh, yeah.
Right.
481
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:07,240
Tiffany and Joanne surf?
482
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:10,343
Yes, Eldridge.
They surf.
483
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,346
Charlie? Would you
like some pizza?
484
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,181
No, thanks.
485
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,250
I'm kinda on a health kick.
486
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:21,087
Didn't you tell me
he quit drinking?
487
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:23,323
He actually thinks he did.
488
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,493
(cell phone rings)
489
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,261
Hello?
490
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:31,163
Oh, hey, Herb!
S'up?
491
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:31,998
Really?
492
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,900
Right now?
493
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,202
Hang on.
494
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,506
(classy soft porn music plays)
495
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:41,408
Are you sure?
496
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:42,909
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
497
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,711
Lyndsey?
498
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,345
Hmm?
499
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,280
Never mind.
500
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:49,882
(whispering):
You're right, it's her!
501
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,219
Okay, Herb. Thanks.
502
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,455
Great. Have a nice shower.
503
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:01,328
(whipped cream whooshing
on TV)
504
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,364
Boy, she sure does
like the whipped cream.
34153
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