Original subtitles

[George] I'm on my way home now.

Darling, I'm not a machine. I need time to... refill.

Yes. I'm wearing my baggy boxers!

["Firewater" playing]

[sighs]

-[Karl] You alright? -No, I'm exhausted.

Me and the wife are trying to get pregnant.

-Both of you? -Four times last night, Karl. Four...

and a half. I fell asleep during, started snoring.

I had to pretend it was a love noise.

Nothing's ever straightforward with women, is it?

[sighs] I know what you mean.

Actually, George, I've got this friend

who really... really fancies this girl he works with.

Oh yeah, where does he work?

-In a job centre. -Mm. Like you.

-Yeah, exactly like me. -Well, that's why you're friends,

a lot in common.

Yes. Loads. Anyway...

my friend really wants to ask this girl out,

but he's not sure if she fancies him.

Plus, she's got this really weird rule about not dating people she works with.

Rules are made to be broken, Karl. Two words: carpe diem.

It means "go for it" in German. Your friend should just do it.

Yeah, I'm going to.

I mean, I'm going to tell my friend he should just her out.

I mean, he could get run over by a bus tomorrow.

Or fall down a well.

Yep. Or that.

[forced chuckle]

You know who we're talking about don't you, George?

Karl...

I work in fraud detection. I know how to read between the lines.

[Karl grunts]

[clicks tongue]

It's Paul, isn't it?

No.

Graham?

He doesn't even work here.

Yeah, I'll see you later, George.

["Work" playing]

[haunting flute music]

-Breathe in through your nose... -[all inhale]

-...and out through your mouth. -[all exhale]

[Trish] Clear your minds.

-Relax. -[snoring]

Today is all about you.

And earning time and a half for working on a Saturday!

[all cheer]

-[Janette and Paul chuckle] -[Gary] Ooh, ey. [chuckles]

[Trish] And a very warm welcome to the staff from the Kingstanding branch.

It's so nice to see so many of you here

at this mandatory health and well-being training event.

And out through your mouth.

[Gary moans]

[chuckles]

Do you want to join me, Denise?

We are meant to be running this together: managers united.

I'd love to, my darling, but I'm a slave to my bunions.

[Trish] And in through your nose.

And out through your mouth.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Can we talk later? -Shh, Karl, please.

The "Healthy Staff, Happy Staff" initiative

is all about putting your well-being first.

[snoring loudly]

Mummy!

We'll be doing a number of exercises

designed to relieve stress and help you relax.

Then later there'll be a refresher course

on how to deal with physically violent job seekers.

What have you done?

["Work" playing]

No one's dead, Graham, we're just doing some staff training.

Okay, I'll come back later.

No, mate, it's Saturday, we're totally closed.

That's absolutely fine, about two?

Still closed, mate. Come back Monday.

Completely understand, Paul, I'll see you tomorrow.

["Work" playing]

Okay, we're going to do an exercise called "this is me, who are you?"

-Denise. -What?

-Do you want to carry on? -Oh, is it me? Oh, hang on, darlin'.

-Just tell them to get into pairs. -Sorry, Trish, I'm lost.

No, it's fine. Get into pairs, everyone.

-Howdy, partner! [chuckles] -[Natalie] What'd you want to talk about?

It's probably the wrong time to talk about it, actually.

Although, when is there a right time? I could fall down a well tomorrow.

Karlos! Hello, mate! Eeeeh!

-Little bit late, aren't you? -What? Half ten on a Saturday morning?

-I don't normally get up till Sunday! -Oh, perfect! You two make a lovely pair.

Actually, Trish, me and Karl have already partnered up.

Well un-partner then and work with someone new.

You two see each other every day, don't you want a change?

Well, I'll find you somebody else.

-Tyler. -Natalie.

-He told me all about you. -Yeah, what did he say?

Just that you were fit.

Me and Tyler have done these training days together before.

This bloke here... legend.

He properly cracks me up!

Seriously, right, he's the funniest bloke I've have ever met.

We are talking about Karl, right?

-[Trish] Natalie? -[Karl forces a laugh]

Come on, mate.

[Karl] So, you're Tyler Kerrigan, you've worked at a job centre for--

Karlos! Mate! You're not actually doing this bollocks, are you?

[chuckling] Naaaa, no. I'm only joking.

-[Tyler] Course you are! Nutcase! -[chuckles] Yep.

I've got something to make the day a bit more interesting.

Topped it up with a little cheeky something to get us started.

Get involved.

-Bit early for that, isn't it? -Nah... it's not even that strong.

I should probably have it with food.

That's so funny when you pretend to be all boring like that.

[laughs] Yeah. Alright... give it here.

Lug one dot com.

["Work" playing]

Okay, Angela, tell us what you've learned about Gary from Kingstanding.

Well, his name's Gary,

-and he's from Kingstanding. -[grunts]

Okay. Gary, what have you learned about Angela?

Oh, the mysterious enigma that is Angie! [chuckles]

Well, she has a very dry sense of humour.

-But we've had a giggle, haven't we? -No.

I keep on knocking on the door, but she's not going to let me in.

[chuckles]

But by the end of the day I'm going to crack her hard shell

and find her soft centre.

Well, good luck with that. Natalie, would you like to report back?

Yes, this is Denise, she's forty-something.

-A lady never tells. -[both chuckle]

She's been a manager for six years

and she suffers from a number of health issues.

Migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, ingrown toenails--

I don't like to talk about it, really.

Well, don't, then. Tell us what you've learnt about Natalie.

Yes, well I have met the most lovely,

wonderful and talented Natalie Mason--

Hello! [chuckles]

She's deputy manager of Brownall...

-Yay! -...and loves the work, god bless her.

She's saving for a flat

and, unbelievably, she doesn't have a boyfriend. What's that about?

Yes, well, Natalie's focused on her career at the moment.

Oh, Natalie, sweetheart, you don't want to let this place

stop you finding a fella.

You're far too lovely to keep all to yourself.

-Aww. -Yeah, I would.

-Thanks. -There's plenty of time

for romance later.

You want to be regional manager by the time you're 30, don't you, Natalie?

Can't I have a boyfriend and be regional manager?

No, you can't.

What if she meets the right person now?

She might only get one chance in this life to find true happiness.

Okay, let's move on, this isn't Dawson's Creek.

But that's what this day's about, isn't it though, Trish, my lovely darling?

You can't let work take over your life.

Yeah, and you can't let life ruin your career.

I'm single, I'm successful, and I am very happy.

Right... I'm happy.

Are we happy? I'm happy.

So let's hail yourselves a relaxi taxi.

It's massage time.

["Orinoco Flow" playing]

Is that good?

Am I doing it right?

Yeah, that feels nice.

Bit harder, maybe.

Harder. Okay.

Shall I go faster?

Karl, if you could stop manhandling Natalie for a moment,

I'd like a word with her.

Oh. Are my eyes deceiving me? [chuckles]

It looks like a beautiful young woman has been left without a partner.

Get your fat fingers off me or I will damage you.

[laughs] Oh, you do make me laugh, Angie. Come on.

Oh, that is... really relaxing.

Oof. It's like your fingers are melting into my back.

[moans] Relax, just go with it, mate.

Seriously, it's like warm...

custard is being poured all over my body.

I love coming up on ketamine.

-Yeah! -Yeah.

Sorry, what…? What did you say, ketamine?

[Tyler] Yeah, in the drink.

Oh, did you think it was pills?

No, I thought it was vodka.

[laughs] You're proper funny man. You have done K before, haven't you?

No, no I haven't. I mean, call me old-fashioned,

but I don't usually have horse tranquilizer for breakfast.

Ahh, you had me going then.

Ah, bear jokes.

Oh, f... shit. Oh... fuck.

Natalie, there's no delicate way of saying this,

but I think Karl finds you sexually attractive.

-Trish-- -So obviously you need to be separated.

Separated? We're not naughty children.

What about the rule?

Dating a colleague is a disaster waiting to happen.

-I'm only thinking of you. -Are you?

["Work" playing]

-[knock on door] -Trish?

Oh, Natalie, sweetheart, can we have a private chat?

I just want to talk about your future.

Can we go in here?

[Natalie] Yep.

What's this about?

Is everything alright, my beautiful darling?

And stop me if I'm talking out of line here,

but I sense some tension between you and Trish.

Oh, is it that noticeable?

Talk to me, Natalie. Tell me your troubles.

We all know Trish can occasionally be impossible to work with.

[Natalie] No, it's not that.

It's just she's got this rule about not dating your work colleagues,

and I think I've sort of fallen for one of mine.

Is it George?

The gorgeous fraud officer with the beard you could hang onto for dear life?

No. It's Karl. The sort of funny-looking, clean-shaven one.

Oh, I see. Then why don't you come and work for me, my lovely?

I'm rarely there, what with my health problems.

If it's not my feet, it's my migraines.

And… [whispers] I'm going through the change.

There's some days I'm just too emotional to come in. I cry at tampon adverts.

What do you think?

Would I still be deputy manager at Kingstanding?

And acting manager when I was away. And I don't care who you have sex with.

-Brilliant, I'll have sex with everyone! -[both laugh]

[whispers] Natalie.

Can I think about it? We should probably get back.

Oh, Trish has left her keys.

[keys jingle]

[door closes and locks]

-[panting] Don't be locked in. -[door rattles]

Oh, Trish. Oh God, okay. It's alright, Trish, keep calm.

I didn't mean to take it, it was in a drink.

No, I'm not at a rave.

I'm at a health and well-being training event.

Yes, I can see the irony.

Right. Oh... oh...

[breathes heavily] Oh, well, what's… what's going to happen?

I'm starting to feel floppy.

-[computer thuds] -Hello, Natalie.

Hi, have you seen Trish anywhere? We're going to start back.

Trish? Um...

No, no, I have not seen Trish, not at all. Natalie.

-Alright. -[Karl] Goodbye, Natalie.

Does it have to be today?

Please don't call me names. Some men find that word offensive.

[phone vibrating]

Someone's keen.

Sometimes, Paul, I think life would be easier

if I just went and lived alone in the woods.

-Where would you sleep? -I'd fashion a bivouac

-out of leaves and moss. -[Paul guffaws]

You've never even been camping, what's brought this on?

Tanya's booked me in for a sperm test.

-She thinks I'm firing blanks. -I see.

I went for a test before, but I couldn't do it.

Too much pressure at the clinic.

I don't perform well under stress.

They gave me this to fill.

I don't think you have to fill it, mate. You're not a whale.

If I go home without a sample,

Tanya will make sure that I've got nothing to do a sample with.

Why don't you take yourself off to the disabled toilet for five minutes?

It's perfect for some "private gentleman time."

And they've got a mirror.

Oh...

["Work" playing]

I am off my chops.

I feel sort of terrified.

[breathing heavily] My... my leg's gone wobbly.

-I think your phone's ringing. -Aaah. [chuckles]

-[phone vibrates] -[laughs]

Trish is phoning me.

Yeah. You going to answer it?

No.

Oh, my phone feels like a sponge.

[Tyler] Squashy. Like a boob.

Yes. Yes, a boob.

I like boobs.

[sighs heavily]

-[thud] -[Trish] Ow.

Come on. Think, Trish, think.

There's still no sign of Trish. So, Denise, do you want to take over?

Oh, not really.

-Why don't you do it, you'll be brilliant? -Okay, then.

-Sure you can manage? -Yes, thanks.

We are going to play a fun game of healthy eating Pictionary.

Ugh.

["Shake A Fist" playing]

[Trish grunts] Come on...

I will not let her take my Natalie.

Come on, Trish.

[Trish grunts]

[panting]

Oh, it's a candle!

Candle? Yes, it's a candle.

I mean, it looks like a candle.

Is it a candle?

[hesitating]

-Candle. -Stop saying "candle."

It's all healthy food.

Is it corn on the cob?

-No. -I thought you had an art degree.

Finger of fudge.

No, it's healthy food. Karl, what is it?

It's... a banana.

-[chuckles] -Oh, I thought it looked like a candle.

-What do you think it looked like, Angie? -A penis.

Oh.

["Tchaparian" playing]

-George? -[George moans]

-What on earth are you... -[rhythmic rubbing]

-Oh, sweet Lord Jesus. -[George moans]

Physical restraining techniques should only be used as a last resort.

But if the claimant gets ugly, you've got to bring him down.

[groaning] You like to be in charge, don't you, Angie?

-I could crush you with my thighs. -[chuckles]

-That's not right, Angela. -I know what I'm doing.

Karl, will you be a volunteer for me?

Oh no. Sorry. Toilet time.

-George. Let's show them how it's done. -No, I can't, not right-- [groans loudly]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

-[door squeaks open] -[Karl muttering nonsense]

No, this isn't good. No this isn't good.

-[Trish] Karl. -Huh?

-Hello? -It's me.

Who's "me"? There's no one else here.

Karl. Up here.

-Help me. -Why is the ceiling made of your face?

-Get me down. -No...

you're not real.

-This is not real. -[Trish] Of course, I'm real.

I'm dirty and hot and real. Now get me down.

No, you're in my head. You're just a Mind Trish!

Oh, for goodness' sake!

-[Karl groans] -Karl! Karl!

[door squeaks open]

[sighs] Ruddy heck.

There you are. Look, I need to talk to you about something.

Oh hello, Natalie, what do you want to talk about?

I'm thinking of leaving Brownall.

No, why?

Well, I...

actually quite like you a bit.

And I think that you like me.

[stuttering] Yeah, I do, I really do. I do like you, a lot.

[laughs] Good. But that rule about never dating people from work,

that was never mine, that's Trish.

And if I go to Kingstanding, then...

we could be together.

I really want that.

Ever since I met you I've wanted to kiss you.

Why don't you, then?

Because I know you're not real.

You're like floaty Trish, you're just an hallucination.

Karl, you are being really weird. What is wrong with you?

I have taken ketamine.

What? Why? Have you lost your mind?

It was not on purpose. Tyler gave it to me in a drink.

Now I'm seeing things. My hand will go straight through you.

Although you do feel remarkably solid.

Can you feel that?

Yeah.

["Jasmine" playing]

Can you feel that?

Mm-hm. I think so.

Can we do it again just to make sure?

[chuckles]

Ow!

The threat has been neutralized with the minimum of distress

-for both parties. -[Gary moans]

Denise, can I have a quick word?

-Have you made up your mind? -Can we just...?

[George groaning loudly] Janette...

Please get off me. My sperms are dying.

So I've given it a lot of thought,

and it is a great opportunity for me.

[Denise] You're going to love it at Kingstanding.

-Right, that's it! -[Denise] You can...

-Back off, Denise. -[Natalie] Yes, well...

Get your hands off my Natalie!

["Work" playing]

[Trish] I hope you're ready for Trish!

Oh shit.

[Natalie] I could probably start next month, I think.

Back off, Denise.

[employee chatter stops abruptly]

Trish, where've you been?

I have been in the ceiling, thank you very much for asking,

while she has been stealing my staff.

I'm not stealing her! I'm offering her an opportunity.

Trish, my darling.

Okay, two things: I am not, nor ever will be, your darling,

so stop calling me that.

You only want Natalie because she'll do all the work

while you sit at home on your arse on "sick leave."

[Denise] Do not upset me, Trish.

If my IBS flares up there will be hell to pay.

Now, Natalie you're coming to Kingstanding, aren't you?

No, you can't go! I don't want you to go.

I do.

I'm sorry, Trish. I really like working here,

but I like Karl, too.

Yeah, she just kissed me.

Yeah boy!

-Aha. -Woo!

Okay... sod me and my silly rules. What do I know?

Natalie, stay.

Be my deputy manager.

You can do whatever the hell you want with Karl.

But obviously no French kissing in front of the job seekers.

Well, in that case, I'm sorry, Denise, but I'm staying at Brownall.

-Yes! -[Denise grunts]

In your face, Denise.

["Baby I'm Yours" playing]

Right. Kingstanding, get your things, we are leaving.

[Natalie and Trish chuckle]

-Let's see, you're going? -Kingstanding.

No. You're coming home with me.

Right. Okay, why?

To find my soft centre.

Oh! Oh!

Janette, I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, sorry, George, I forgot you were there.

-[back cracks] -[moans loudly]

Right, I have been in the ceiling for an hour and a half,

I think I need a colossal gin.

Come on, Team Brownall, I'm buying. [giggles]

Woot woot!

Alright, George, you coming?

Give me five minutes.

-[bangs arm loudly] -[Natalie] Oh!

["Baby I'm Yours" playing]