Original subtitles

[door slams]

[Paul] Sorry I’m late, bloody chain came off--

Shhh!

What’s this, musical statues--

Be quiet, Paul, we’re trying to hear my phone.

[pouring cereal]

Angela, can you just stop that, please?

[loud crunching]

[phone rings]

-That’s it. -[Janette] Oh, sorry, that’s mine.

[phone ringing]

Just answer it, Janette.

Oh, this sodding thing!

You’re not trying to smash it, just use one finger and slide.

-Let me help. -[Paul] No, leave her.

She has got to learn.

Oh, I’ve missed it now.

[Trish] Right, come on, Karl, you can help me search the bins.

How’s the training going?

Twenty K this morning, Nat, barely felt it.

[exhales loudly]

I’m in better shape now than when I got married.

Missus loves it.

We’re like a pair of randy teenagers.

He is humming.

How can someone stink that much and not notice?

You’re going to have to tell him.

Oh, seriously, Janette. I cannot tell Paul Franks he stinks.

Oh, fine, I’ll do it.

I can’t stand another day of him ponging like creamy onions.

I’m armpit height to him. It makes my eyes water.

["Work" playing]

[loud kissing]

Bryony, can you not leave your boyfriend alone for two minutes?

He’s not my boyfriend.

-[Reon] You said I was. -When?

Under the couch at crap Dawn’s party.

That was you?

Fine, go on then.

Right, you lot, hands in pockets.

I might mean 'cause of them. It's not a peep show.

I need sponsoring.

I’m doing a charity bike ride to raise money for the air ambulance.

What is it? Land’s End-John O’Groats?

Wolverhampton Aberdovey. Can I put you down a pound a mile?

No, that’s over a hundred quid.

Mm. Well, let’s hope you’re never involved in a multi-car pile-up on the M6,

in need of air rescue.

Yeah, let’s.

-What are you doing? -Cleaning.

If you want to clean something, do the disabled toilet.

Someone’s done a right Bobby Sands.

Oh smashing, I’ll get the special bleach.

[Karl] Have you checked your car?

[Trish] My car’s in for its MOT. Karl, I’ve got to find it.

It’s got confidential work e-mails and... pictures on it.

Confidential work pictures?

No, not work pictures, sensitive pictures of--

...of me and Tom that I, mistakenly, took on my work phone.

Oh no, Trish. Why have you not deleted them? You’ve split up.

They’re happy memories I’m not ready to let go of just yet.

Well, can you see your... face in them?

Amongst other things, Karl, yes.

Okay, well let’s just retrace your steps.

So you left the flat this morning.

Yeah. So, I’ve left the flat, and I’m walking down the street.

-What can you see? -There’s a girl.

She’s on her way to school. Her bag’s too big for her.

There’s some bully girls... they’re picking on her.

The leader’s wearing a puffer jacket.

Trish, I think you might have regressed back to you childhood.

[Trish] No, I got the bus with them.

-The girl. -The one with the big backpack?

[Trish] No the other one, the bully girl, the one with the puffer jacket.

She fell on me when the bus went around the corner.

She must have stolen my phone when she landed on me.

You’ll have to call her then. She can’t get away with that.

You are so right.

-Who does she think she is? -[Karl] Ugh!

[keypad dial tone]

-[voicemail message] -[beep]

[angrily] Right, listen, you vicious little cow, return my phone.

Because if you don’t, oh, you’d better watch your back,

because we know people.

Yeah, we’re in a gang. And don’t think I can’t identify you.

You had a very distinctive puffer jacket on.

She got served.

Yes, she did.

[phone rings]

Speak, bitch!

Oh sorry... yes, I have lost my phone!

Thank you so much! Where are you?

That’s brilliant, I’m on my way.

-Found it. [chuckles] -[Karl] Yeah.

Yes!

-[Trish giggles] -[Karl grunts nervously]

-Who’s got it? -A man.

He’s on an industrial estate in Walsall.

Okay, I haven’t got a car.

How would you get to Walsall in a hurry?

-I wouldn’t. -Oh, great. Thanks, Karl.

[Trish] Can you lower the seat?

Well, not without a wrench.

Well can you raise the handlebars then?

It’s a classic racer, Trish, it’s built for aerodynamics.

-Ready? -Yep.

No. No, I’ve changed my mind. This is ridiculous. I’ll just get a taxi.

Here. I’ll give you a backie.

I’m not a child, Paul.

Can you lift me off, please?

[Trish gasping]

Natalie, I’m going to Walsall to get my phone.

So, Deputy, you’re Sheriff while I’m out of town.

Okay, let’s hope I don’t have to shoot any Indians!

Oh God, sorry, I didn’t mean...

Um...

It’s looking quite busy down there, Natalie.

A little management tip:

Get on top of your appointments,

don’t let your appointments get on top of you. Yeah?

[loud kissing]

I can’t sign you on like this, it’s against data protection.

We’re in love. We don’t keep anything from each other.

He’s even seen my secret scar.

She sat on a broken see-saw.

[Natalie] Okay.

So, it says on your CV

that you’re a qualified shaman?

Clairvoyant, spiritual communicator, call it what you will,

I have a very special gift.

It hasn’t got you much work though, has it?

Well, I’ve recently suffered a great loss.

My mother passed over to the spirit realm.

Sorry to hear that. Let’s get you signed on.

[Keith] It was quite beautiful, actually. Mum’s aura turned a wonderful sky-blue

and a complete sense of calm filled the entire intensive care unit.

Even the bloke with emphysema two beds up stopped wheezing.

-Did he pass on as well? -No, a problem with his ventilator.

Oh... well, that’s good. Right--

[Keith] And that’s when her spirit left her body

and became one with the cosmos.

I mean she was up against it, she fought bloody bravely,

but in the end what finished her off was the fact that her moon was waning.

That, and massive kidney failure.

You know, you have a very tense energy, Natalie,

have you thought of using crystals?

Only meth. [chuckles]

Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Okay, that’s you all signed on.

Right, well, can’t hang around. Got to get going now.

Going to see a bloke in Coventry whose chakras are completely fucked.

Oh, you’re kidding?

-Karl. -[Karl] Mmm?

That bloke didn’t sign his ES24.

Oh. He won’t get his money, then. You’ll have to get him back.

I can’t, he talks for England and I’m already half an hour behind.

I'll just have to do it for him.

You’re the boss.

["I Believe" playing]

Whoever did that in the toilet is clearly very ill.

Yeah, well, if they’ve used it to write on the walls, Janette,

we may have to consider the possibility it was deliberate.

Probably for the best Trish got a taxi.

She’d have got all sweaty riding your bike.

Yeah, well, she’s gone to Walsall, it’d probably have got nicked anyway.

[Janette] Yeah.

Do you worry about getting sweaty on your bike?

Because some people when they sweat they smell a bit and--

Hang about… Walsall?

Yeah. It’s a factory or something.

You let Trish go on her own to a factory in Walsall?

Yeah. Some bloke called, said he got her phone.

You let her go on her own to meet a complete stranger?

In a factory? In Walsall!

I’ve sent her into a nest of vipers.

And by vipers I mean factory workers from the Black Country.

["Work" playing]

-[car screeches and brakes heavily] -[Paul] Oi, watch it, knobhead!

I need to book some holiday.

You know how to do that, don’t you? You're deputy manager.

Yes, I can do that.

Go on then.

-You going anywhere nice? -Specialist hotel in the Lake District.

Great, does it do, um... activities, water sports?

I certainly hope so.

Is it me or is this computer really slow? [chuckles]

It’s you. Put me down for the last week in June

when you’ve worked it out.

-She hates me. -She hates everyone.

Sorry, Natalie, I’d just got to the train station

and my spirit guide reminded me I'd forgotten to sign me form.

-Pardon? -I didn’t sign me form to get me benefits.

Oh, don’t worry.

-[whispers] I signed it for you. -You what?

I bent the rules a bit and signed it for you so you’d still get your money.

-That’s fraud. -No, no that’s not fraud.

-I mean, it is fraud, but it’s good fraud. -It’s helpful fraud.

You know you’ve done wrong, Natalie.

Your energy’s gone a guilty sort of red. Along with your face.

I want to see your manager.

["Work" playing]

I was just trying to be a good manager, I’m such an idiot.

-You’re not an idiot. -I am an idiot. Angela’s right,

-I’m not cut out for this job. -You are cut out for this job.

Right, I am going to fix this.

-How? -I've absolutely no idea.

I’m going to need more bleach; it’s all up the light fitting!

Janette... have you not been on the welcome desk?

No, I’ve been up to my elbows all morning.

Come with me.

["Work" playing]

[man] Oi! Oi!

Alright, darling.

[wolf whistle]

Excuse me, I’m looking for Connor?

Are you the woman who left the voicemails?

Yes, I’m sorry for calling you a vicious little cow.

And a bitch.

And that.

[sighs]

-How can I be sure this is your phone? -Oh, um, I’m not sure I’ve got any I.D.

Have you got any distinguishing features?

-What do you mean? -[Connor] You know, tattoos, moles.

Birthmark in the shape of a 50 pence piece on your left arse cheek?

I beg your pardon.

-Nice tits by the way. -[chuckles]

Okay. That phone is the personal private property of a person

and you have no right to look at my tit pictures.

-We only had a quick look. -Give it back, right now.

Okay, sorry.

-Good grief. -Trish.

-Paul, what are you doing here? -Making sure you’re alright.

I’m fine.

[grunts] Got a stitch. Any chance of a glass of water?

You the lucky bloke in them dirty pictures?

-Eh? -On her phone.

Are them your clock weights on her chin?

But I don’t look anything like Trish.

Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t know what Trish looks like.

-Please, Janette, I could get the sack. -Well, we’re not having that.

Brilliant. So just pretend you are Trish.

-Copy how she acts, how she talks. -[Janette] Okay.

[imitating Trish] "Teamwork makes the dream work, Karl."

-Not bad. -"Fine, fine, I’m fine."

-[both chuckle] -That’s good.

"I’m having lots of sex with a younger man." [laughs]

Bit too much.

-Oh, what about Angela? -Already taken care of.

She’s going to be occupied for at least the next hour.

What have you done to find work in the last two weeks?

[Graham] I’ve been wearing this tie.

You’ve been wearing a tie?

I see.

I’ll be perfectly honest with you... it hasn’t really worked.

You surprise me.

I think people see me wearing it

and they assume that I’m already a high-flying business executive.

But Karl has put me onto a job that he really thinks I should go for.

Welfare assistant in a cats' home?

He reckons I’ll be perfect for it.

I’ll be the judge of that. Why do you want to work in a cats' home?

[Graham] Cats are very clever.

I believe they’re at the top of the evolutionary ladder.

Next time they evolve they’ll be able to speak...

and write.

I couldn’t agree more.

It’s cats, us, then monkeys.

[Trish] Oh, what a fool.

I should have deleted these when we split up.

Stupid, really.

That’s it.

All gone. Goodbye, Tom.

I’m so lucky no-one else can see those pictures.

Unless he put them up on the internet.

What? People don’t do that, do they?

Apparently, some men do like to share amateur pornography.

Oh, buggeration, Paul, what if I’ve gone viral?

I could check online for you.

I’m going to need to know a few details so I know what to look for.

Just Google "naked ladies".

We might need to be a bit more specific.

Okay, um...

try: "Naked Dragon’s Den".

Tom was into it.

He used to pretend to be a young entrepreneur

in need of... investment.

I was Deborah Meaden. Just type it in.

[Paul] Um...

is that you?

[Trish] No.

She’s amazing.

[Paul grunts]

Did you really think that could be me?

I don’t see why not.

Thank you.

Do you know what? Forget it.

If there are pictures of you online, good luck to the blokes that find them.

You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.

Yeah, you’re right.

I have... a cracking chassis.

I should probably keep looking, just to make sure.

[keyboard clicking]

Remember, you’ve got to show you’re in charge, so really go for it.

Trish?

This is Mr. Taylor.

[Janette] Hello, good afternoon, sir.

I’m Trish, Trish Collingwood, manager of Brownall Job Centre.

Take a seat and we’ll get to the bottom of this.

Thank you, kindly.

I’ll just get your claim details up on the, um...

do-dah.

We understand you’d like to make a complaint.

I am really sorry.

I think I’m entitled to compensation.

I beg your pardon?

I’ve suffered severe emotional distress due to gross misconduct.

I have a feeling that I’m entitled to compensation

of between two and four thousand pounds.

Oh, so that’s your game, is it?

People like you make me sick.

-Trish-- -[Janette] Shut up, Karl.

You almost got this young lady the sack, and what for, a quick buck?

What have you go to say for yourself?

If you’re Trish Collingwood... Then who’s that?

Are you lying to me as well?

That is Trish Collingwood junior. It’s her daughter.

What, and she’s the manager of a job centre as well, is she?

She was, but she went...

dead.

She did a dead, she’s dead.

[Keith sighs]

No wonder this room is filled with such angry energy.

What happened?

She drowned.

[stutters] While she was on a ferry.

To... Gibraltar. Yeah, she fell overboard.

It was her life-long dream to see the monkeys.

And despite all the pain and suffering I went through...

the heartache of losing little Trish...

I never once claimed for compensation.

Oh, you’re right, Trish. I’m really sorry.

I must have just let material greed overtake me for a second.

I’ve also recently lost someone close, my mother, so I understand your pain.

I miss her every day, I miss her laugh, I miss her hair.

She had magnificent hair.

[Keith] Reminders are everywhere.

Let me reach across the cosmic void and contact her.

-What? -We’re going to have a séance.

It’s what big Trish and little Trish need.

You really don’t have to do that.

No, I do, Natalie, I need to restore my karma.

I’ve been a fucking twat.

Thank you, Paul. And needless to say, this goes no further.

My silence can be bought...

with sponsorship money for my bike ride.

Oh well, it’s the least I can do.

[Paul] Ta, it’s basically like the Tour de France.

But, you know, in Wales.

-Here’s 20. -Oh, you are most kind.

Fifteen for the air ambulance, five for you to buy antiperspirant.

You smell a little bit like an old, damp towel.

Okay.

Jesus wept.

Why didn’t anyone tell me?

[Keith] So let’s hold hands to form a strong psychic bond.

Beloved Trish, please commune and move among us.

That’s it. I can feel her presence.

-She’s with us. -She will be in a minute.

Is she coming through you, Karl?

Yep. Uh, yep. She is.

She’s says, "Everything's fine and we should all just get back to work."

What else is she saying, Karl?

Come on, focus your mind.

Ask her what happened on the boat.

She got drunk with a load of Polish truckers... and tripped.

It wasn’t murder. She’s at peace.

So you can stop grieving and that she loves you.

Oh... God bless her soul.

She says she’ll see you soon, but not too soon.

And, uh... oh, oh no she’s gone.

[Trish clears throat]

What’s this? Oh, not my scented candles.

Flipping heck.

[Keith] Mum said she wanted her ashes made into a firework

and set off over Cannock Chase.

What a way to go.

It combined her two loves: explosives and Cannock.

Now you’ve made a psychic connection with Trish

you may feel that she's a constant presence in your life.

I do.

[Keith] Maybe next time I’m in I could bring the Ouija board, 'cause then we--

She’s with us.

Can you see her?

No, no, I can’t see anything. Can you, Karl?

Nope, nothing.

I think she’s ready to move across.

Lovely, see you then.

Safe journey, cosmic traveller.

Right, see you in a fortnight then. Ta-ra.

See? Told you there was nothing to worry about.

-My hero. -[Karl chuckles]

Well, hero’s a bit strong, maybe just... no, okay, hero’s fine.

[Reon] What you wearing?

You’ve seen what I’m wearing, you’ve been with me all day.

I’m doing phone sex.

Make it up.

I’m not doing that here, let’s go to the park.

-Fine, hang up then. -No, you hang up.

No, you hang up.

[Trish] I tell you what, I’ll hang up.

Do you think this is a good use of job centre resources?

Bryony?

Nothing else to do, no-one's signing us on.

What?

Oh, hello. Everything alright?

Anything happen while I was away?

No, no.

All quiet.

A bit too quiet.

Only, Bryony says nobody’s been signing anybody on.

You on top of appointments?

We are yeah, just... Angela’s being really slow.

Angela.

Lion-O, Garfield, Top Cat, Henry’s Cat--

Stop naming fictitious cats.

You asked me to name the different breeds.

Thundercat is not a breed of cat.

You’re not going to get them in a cats' home, are you?

Well, no... they live in a castle.

If you ever work with animals...

I will report you to the RSPCA.

Thank you.

["Work" playing]