Original subtitles

["Work" playing]

Trish, have you got five minutes to talk about the MP visit?

Yes, I have, what you got for me?

Peter McCrea, 49, MP for Birmingham North West.

He's really into young people, so I was thinking

maybe we could do some sort of work experience slash mentoring day?

Yes! Actual young unemployed people here

in the job centre, filling themselves up on a big reality sandwich.

-[chuckles] -Oh, MP's love that kind of vibe.

-Shall I hire a DJ? -Maybe.

-Skate ramp? -Probably not.

-Jedward? -Definitely not.

God we're good together! Teamwork makes the dream work! [chuckles]

Little management tip for you, Natalie:

you see how I'm just perching here,

it brings me closer to the level of who I'm talking to.

Lady Di did it with sick kids.

Try it. Be her.

-Be Lady Di? -Yeah, it's very powerful.

It's like she's entering you.

Now head down and then look up, if you know what I mean.

-Like this? -[Trish] Yep, a little to the side.

Good, very good.

Now sad eyes.

Oh, that is uncanny.

You show me someone who can resist those eyes, and I'll show you a monster.

["Work" playing]

Looking forward to your seminar, George.

Yes, "Benefit Fraud. It's payback time."

-Sounds like a straight-to-DVD thriller. -Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast.

More like a porno.

George, you're meant to be inspiring these young people.

Yes I'm inspiring them not to become benefit cheats.

I'm going to explain my methods of detection

then I wanna show them my taser.

-You've got a taser? -Yep. Delivers north of 50,000 volts.

You've got a taser? George, that's completely illegal.

No, I mean, I haven't got a taser.

All right, George, brought your taser?

-Why aren't you two in mufti? -We didn't think you meant us.

I especially meant you. The whole idea of mufti

was so we don't intimidate the young people.

There are teenagers coming, Trish. If we're all in jeans, there'll be a riot.

-[Trish] Not if they're smart jeans. -Karl's bought new jeans especially.

-Hmm? Oh no, I've had these ages. -You've left the label on.

Oh, what.

[Trish] Makes a change us all being in our weekend clothes.

It's nice to see who's up with the latest fashions.

Morning.

Oh. Would you look at that.

-Snap. -[pop]

Sorry.

["Reservoir" playing]

Here we go, Angela, here's your little "sign-on sidekick" for the day.

-When do I get paid? -Well, you're not getting paid.

We're giving you vouchers as a little thank you.

-When do I get my vouchers? -Has she got to sit next to me all day?

-Yes, she has. -Was it two for one on crap blouses?

What a lovely sense of humour...

You two are going to get on like a house on fire.

Of course I'll need to speak to the MP after.

We'll all speak to the MP because he's doing a little meet and greet.

Good. I want to lodge an appeal against a planning application on my road.

No, Angela, this is a big day for team Brownall

I'd rather you not ruin it because you don't want

one of your neighbours building an extension.

It's not an extension, it's a hospice.

Right.

["Work" playing]

So, desk, computer, biscuit drawer.

Do you want a biscuit?

Uh... I don't actually eat sugar.

Look, this is a complete waste of time.

I'm only signing on while I wait to secure finance for the app I'm developing.

Yeah, of course.

I mean, this place is pretty useless right?

Yeah, I know.

You know, when I first signed on I put "animals" on my list of interests.

Someone sent me for an interview at an abattoir.

[chuckling] Abattoir? No way.

-And I'm vegetarian. -[laughing] That's ridiculous.

-I was actually quite offended. -I'm not surprised.

-That was me wasn't it. -Yeah.

[Natalie] So I'm Natalie, welcome to my desk.

-Who's he? -The adviser? That's Karl.

-You'll be working with claimants-- -Do you think he's fit?

He's okay.

Um, I hadn't really thought about it.

I think he's beautiful.

You're gonna be signing people on--

Sorry, beautiful? That's what you're going to go with?

Yeah because he is, truly beautiful.

Has he got a girlfriend?

No.

-Do you think he'd go out with me? -[Trish] I tell you what Ann-Marie

let's see if we can brighten you up a bit. Are you wearing any make-up?

-Just lip balm. -Okay. Shall we try popping these off?

On second thoughts, let's just leave them on. Yep.

["Work" playing]

You two getting along?

Super.

Are these your toys?

Sir Jonathan Frog and Deirdre Giraffe are not toys, they are plush collectibles.

Same difference.

[keyboard tapping]

[chocolates rattle]

-[yawn] -[thud]

[Trish giggling]

Tom, I can't, I'm at work.

[chuckles] Sorry what? Your clock? What big clock?

Oooh. [chuckles]

Okay, but you need to be quick because I'm very busy--

I'll call you later.

Angela, will you wear this so we're not clashing?

-No. -Okay, right.

Sorry, Trish, Angela says she doesn't want Bryony on her desk.

I've explained to her that everyone has to have a young person with them

when the MP arrives.

-Well, Natalie's right. -She's a consistent pest.

She's your deputy manager and you'll do as she says.

I think she was talking about Bryony.

You were talking about Bryony, right?

It's not in my job description to be inspiring.

Angela, yes, Bryony can be challenging,

but I think a day working side by side with you could really change her outlook.

[Natalie] All she needs is a chance.

Come on, Angela, what do you say?

Don't you dare double Di me.

She was the queen of hearts.

So start by asking the claimant

what he's done to find work in the last two weeks.

What have you done to find work in the last two weeks?

Am I allowed to speak to him, Karl?

Only I spoke to someone I didn't know once before

and I ended up buying a timeshare flat in Fuengirola.

It's fine, Graham.

It's not, it's got no roof and it's infested with ants.

Why don't you tell Michael all about it.

Huh? I'm just going to...

-Hey, Natalie. -Hello.

Can we swap partners? I want to be with you.

Yep.

[keyboard tapping]

-What you doing? -It's called work.

[keyboard tapping]

[kissing]

Don't do that.

[grunting]

-Better stop that right now. -It's only natural.

-There's nothing natural about that. -They're animals!

They're brother and sister.

I bet MPs think the world smells of polish.

How come you don't get your duster out when I turn up in the morning?

Because you're not important.

Hey, Trish, isn't Peter McCrea the one caught with that ladyboy?

For goodness sake, Paul, do not mention the ladyboy.

Hello. Trish Collingwood, CSOM.

Oh, Mr. McCrea, we were just talking about you.

-You're where? -What is a ladyboy?

Come on, Janette, we've been through this.

-Janette, the MP's got lost. -I think there's an A to Z in the kitchen.

He'll find his way to a brothel all right.

[Trish] Okay, don't panic.

He says he can't understand anything anyone is saying.

Sounds like Wolverhampton.

Look around, does it feel like the 1990s?

There's still a Woolworths? Yep, that's definitely Wolverhampton.

-Okay, call us when you're near. -[Angela] Ooh.

Angela, why are you on the floor?

I've had an accident in the work place and it wasn't my fault.

Come on, Paul, I've got all the weight.

I can't get any purchase on this satin.

Here you are turn her towards me a bit.

Careful, you'll bang her head off the desk.

I can't help it, she's a funny shape.

Maybe you should go home, Angela.

-Good idea, I'll call you a cab. -Oh, thanks for your concern,

but I'll stay, I'm a striver not a skiver.

Anyway, I want to meet the MP.

There's no ice, but I found some fish fingers.

They've been in that freezer longer than Walt Disney's head.

[Angela] Of course I can't have that girl on my desk.

I'm in too much pain to be inspiring.

Fine, Bryony can shadow me for the rest of the day.

It was bad enough with her.

Just go and look in the fridge for something cold.

It's all you in this accident book Angela, it's like "This is your life."

What do you want me to put this time?

That I tripped over a box Trish left out and landed on my coccyx.

Don't worry, I'm not the type to sue.

Although I will need Natalie's chair, it's got better lumbar support.

Angela, if you're really that injured

we should call you an ambulance, just to be sure.

Fine, call an ambulance.

I'm calling one. Am I calling one?

-Call one. -I'm calling one.

-Do you know the number? -Yes, thanks.

This ham sandwich is quite cold.

You're not putting my lunch on Angela's coccyx.

["Work" playing]

Okay, let's have a look.

-How does that feel? -Agonising.

Strange.

[Trish] I think you should go for an X-ray.

-You might have slipped a disc. -Or you've prolapsed.

Bryony, do you have to stand quite so close to me?

-You told me to shadow you. -That's not what that means.

-Can you make her go to hospital? -[paramedic] Only if she's sectioned.

Can you section her?

I'll leave you with some crutches.

-You two sisters? -[in unison] No!

[Ann-Marie] Goodbye, I'll see you in two weeks.

You're a natural, you should work here.

I'd love that.

I like your hair.

[giggles] Thanks.

So, Ann-Marie, tell me about you, what's your dream job?

I really want to be a singer.

Cool. You should do X-Factor.

Oh, no, I'd get embarrassed. When I get embarrassed I get "hot neck"

which is when my neck goes all red and blotchy

and it looks like I've got a rash.

And I can't sing.

Maybe you shouldn't do X-Factor.

[both chuckle]

I like your hair.

Thanks... again.

-Oh, sorry. -Don't worry, I got it.

I think I left it in too long.

Grab another one. I always find that digestives are a lot more robust.

And you're always in safe hands with a gingernut.

Sorry. Ah.

Sorry. That was... that was an accident.

You kissed my boobs.

I didn't kiss your boobs, I just, sort of, came across them.

-Oh, God. -I don't mind.

Well that's good, but er--

-Do you want to go out with me? -No, no, God no.

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound so--

I see what you mean about your neck.

["Work" playing]

Ann-Marie.

I thought he liked me, he offered me biscuits.

Well, maybe he likes you more as a friend?

But he kissed my boobs.

Sure, sure-- Hang on, he kissed your boobs?

You kissed her boobs?

It was more of a headbutt.

Oh that's fine then, you headbutted her boobs.

I didn't headbutt both boobs. Just one boob.

She dropped her soggy biscuit--

Okay, Karl, stop talking.

Ann-Marie, you're such a star

we'd really like you to come back in and meet the MP.

What can Karl do to make that happen?

Um... Well, he could take me bowling.

Great! Karl would love to take you bowling, wouldn't you, Karl?

-Wouldn't you, Karl? -Yes.

-Brilliant! -Great!

Why don't you go and clean yourself up and you can borrow my lipstick.

Okay. Bye, Karl.

Well, I think you've pulled.

Okay, Mr. McCrea, slow down, you can see a castle?

He says he's in a castle and there's a sad lion.

That's Dudley. He's in Dudley zoo.

We think you're in Dudley Zoo.

Yep. Find the exit and you'll be here in no time.

Okay.

Okay, young people,

MP Peter McCrea will be here in 15 minutes.

[gasping]

I see you're finding your way round our system. Feeling inspired, Michael?

Yeah, loads.

Super. Can you tell your face that?

I think the MP will be more interested

in the fact you've broken data protection laws.

We can see everyone's confidential information.

No you can't, because we've got password protection.

I've hacked your password in under 30 seconds.

Okay, young people, change of plan. You're all going to go through

to our learning room for a fun seminar on Fraud Prevention.

Isn't that exciting? That's it, quick sticks, off you pop.

Smiley faces. It'll be super fun!

I need the toilet.

-Well, you know where it is. -I'll need help getting on and off.

It's the least you can do after you left that box out.

Bryony, would you like to help Angela go to the toilet?

Would I bollocks.

[Trish] Come on.

-Say it with me. -[door creaks open]

-Fr-- Fraud prevention. -[students] Fraud prevention.

Payback time. All right. Ssshh. Okay.

Most of what I do is based around intelligence.

Question: have any of you heard of Facebook?

No, what's Facebook?

It's a social networking site, now you use it to--

[students chuckle]

Oh, you're mocking me, well done.

But would you be laughing if I told you

I look at pictures on Facebook of people I want to nail?

Now you're listening.

And I don't just look at pictures.

-Perv. -Sometimes I hide out

and I take pictures of people I want to nail.

You take secret pictures of people you want to nail?

Yeah, that's right. And, boy, do I nail them.

-Check this bad boy out. -I love tasers.

[George] One false move, and this little baby

delivers 50,000 volts in less than a second.

-Tasers are illegal. -[Karl] Tasers are wicked.

-Have you ever fired it? -[George] Not on duty,

but I have tested it twice on a cow in Sutton Park.

-Boom! Roast beef! -I'm going to need some volunteers.

[trickling]

Reminds me of when our Figarro's back legs went.

He couldn't make it into the garden... so we had to hold him over the toilet.

He was a right fatty for a spaniel, big as a beanbag.

[Paul] Mother hen, come in mother hen. The MP has arrived, I repeat:

the MP has arrived, over.

The MP's here?

-Right, Angela, are you finished? -[trickling continues]

[sighs] Jesus.

Paul, can you tell Natalie to stall the MP? I'll be there in a minute.

[Paul] Yeah, I can't hear you, can you turn the tap off?

Angela, can you stem the flow for two seconds?

I'm not clenching, I'll get cystitis.

[trickling continues]

Okay, Paul.

I'm going to get everyone from George's seminar.

You keep him talking but whatever you do

do not mention the ladyboy.

[George] The suspect's going for something.

It could be a weapon. What are you going to do, Karl?

-Take the shot. -I've changed my mind

-I don't want to do this. -Have you given a warning?

-[shouts] Armed police-- -Fraud squad.

Fraud squad, put your hands in the air!

Stop being a twat, Karl, I'm going home.

-[shouts] Don't move! -[Trish] Okay, everyone, it's show time!

-[electricity buzzing] -[thud]

-Shit it. -No, no don't touch her

she could still be live!

[Trish moans]

[siren wails]

Do you feel dizzy? A headache?

No, I'm fine, I need to go and talk to the important man.

Don't worry about that, you've been lasered.

Trish, I really am sorry. I called Tom, he's coming to pick you up.

Here, found this in lost property.

Cover up all that blood on your top.

[paramedic] Maybe she could lend you her blouse

seeing as you've got the same one.

She's not my friend.

But she could lend me her blouse.

Then I could still meet the MP.

Trish, it's fine, Natalie's looking after the MP. Trish.

[Natalie] Okay, smile everyone, say cheese.

[all in unison] Cheese!

[camera clicking]

-[Natalie] Thank you so much for visiting. -So nice to meet you, Mr. McCrea.

Well, likewise. I'll be sure to look into your concerns over that hospice.

Thanks. I'm just thinking of the parking.

I know it's terminal care, but a lot of them do linger on.

Hang on. No, I'm sorry! You should be talking to me. I'm the boss.

Oh, that's the spirit. With an attitude like that you'll find work in no time.

Come on, love, come and have a sit down.

You and your team are an inspiration, especially to people like her.

To be honest, I think she's beyond help.

[Natalie] Thanks for coming.

-Balloon? -I'm not six.

All right, Karl, how is she? How's Trish?

Don't worry, mate, she's absolutely fine.

I can't believe you tasered my girlfriend.

[chuckles] Yeah, I know, sorry about that.

This is Natalie.

-Oh. Karl's told me loads about you. -Oh?

Yeah, well, not loads.

Mm. So you going to come home with us?

Nah, I've got something on tonight.

He's got a date.

-Hiya. -Balloon?

Thanks. Ready? I've booked a table at the Harvester for after bowling.

-Oh, good. -Have fun.

-[Tom] See you later. -Do you want to touch my boob again?

-That's not what it sounds like. -It is.

-It was nice to meet you. -[Tom] Yeah, you too.

Do you need my arm?

I'm fine, I'm fine. Bye, bye.

-[sighs] -Oh, hawwo woo!

Janette, this is Tom, my boyfriend.

Hello, my love.

Hiya. Oh, dear... Oh!

Tell you what, I think I might have to get you home and play doctors and nurses.

-[giggles] Tom! -[Tom] What?

Hello, there.

Oh, um, Angela this is Tom, my boyfriend.

Oh, do you need a hand?

You can hold my crotch.

I think you mean crutch, Angela.

I don't think you need to hold on to him so tightly, Angela?

I think I do.

No wonder you're like a new woman, Trish, he's a bloody smasher!

Yeah, I know!

Whatever it is you're doing, keep doing it.

I've not seen her smile so much in years!

Yes, thanks, Janette.

So, you sure you'll be all right getting home?

Oh, she'll manage.

You're a striver aren't you, Angela? I'll see you tomorrow.

Actually, I think I'm going to need tomorrow off.

I'm starting to throb.

Come on, Tom. That's it give her the crutch.

[Tom] All right. I see what you mean.

[Trish] Yeah and that's her being nice.

Did she touch you inappropriately?

["Default" playing]