Original subtitles

["Hail Bop" playing]

Interesting. Very, very interesting.

[whistles]

-Very interesting. -Is that interesting, Karl?

Turns out 59% of people meet their life partner at work.

Oh, that is interesting.

[Karl] Really interesting. That’s... that's over half.

Mmm.

-Would you ever date anyone at work? -Absolutely not.

Oh, right. Well, I suppose you can never say never.

I can. Never again. Been there done that.

Was this a bloke at your last place?

Who said it was a bloke?

I might have been having sex adventures with a receptionist called Monique.

That’s hot. [chuckles]

Ow! That’s hot! Ow! That burns.

[Karl] Ow!

[Paul] If I was your age, Karl.

Trust me, mate, I am working on it.

No, if I was your age, not if I was you.

No offense, but you’ve got absolutely no chance with her.

-Thanks a lot. -Come on Karl, she’s a ten.

I wouldn’t even give you one.

And neither would she.

["Work" playing]

Now, you probably think this is a little bit bonkers.

-I think it’s really lovely. -You didn’t have to drag it in.

We’ve hired a hot tub for a very good reason.

Natalie, I’ll let you explain.

-We have got-- -Jamina McNaulty’s coming in!

-Who? -[Trish] Jamina McNaulty.

As in Midlands’ power couple, Jamina and David McNaulty.

[Natalie] She’s the CEO of McNaulty Leisure,

the leading manufacturer of saunas and hot tubs in the entire West Midlands.

I can’t stand saunas. It’s like sitting in a burning shed.

Mate of mine services these.

You wouldn’t believe the filth people get up to under the bubbles.

You don’t know whose hand’s whose.

Mind you, he gets 50% staff discount.

Will we get that?

Absolutely, we will.

Good. Because I’m after one of these.

The ten man.

-[Natalie] Then we’ll need to wow her. -Yes, we will.

And there was some pretty stiff competition for this,

but Natalie managed to beat them all off.

And McNaulty Leisure are advertising one job with us, but get this right

and there’ll be plenty more jobs for our jobless.

-Should we get some nibbles in? -Good idea.

And Jamina will be all about power breakfasts and lunch on the go.

-We could get some sushi? -Yes! That is robust thinking.

-Karl, go and get some sushi. -Mmm hmm, what kind?

I don’t know, just get a selection.

I’ve never eaten sushi.

It’s like the sort of food people might eat in the future.

[both chuckle]

[in robot voice] I will have some sushi.

[Natalie chuckles]

[Trish] Okay, Jamina. [chuckles]

Oh, Gosh.

-[Trish] Can you see it from there? -Yep, perfect.

That’s great about the 50% discount.

I’m going to tell Mum and Dad, they could get one for their patio.

Um... we’re not getting a discount, I lied.

Little management tip Natalie: if you dangle an incentive carrot,

it helps keep the more difficult members of staff on side.

I’m sure you’ve noticed Angela can be--

-Challenging? -A waking nightmare.

I mean, I don’t mean to be unprofessional, but that woman is an absolute tyrant.

Oh, thank God. I thought it was just me she didn’t like.

I’m not gonna let her fudge up my chances with Jamina McNaulty.

It’s just too important.

Right, she’ll be here soon, how do I look?

-Fine. -[exhales] Breath?

That is also fine.

Great. I am ready.

Don’t forget to tell her about the new phone line we’re having fitted.

Yes, the hotline.

The "hot tub" hotline. [chuckles]

The hot tub hotline!

That's so our message!

News just in: deputy manager at Brownall's, a bloomin' genius.

Oh, I love that. Is that a thing?

["Work" playing]

Jamina, can I say what an honour it is to meet you.

I have admired you from afar for so long.

You’re not a stalker are you?

[laughs] Oh, my gosh, that is exactly my sense of humour.

Now tell me, how I can realise your vision?

Well, Trish, I am looking for a Mandarin-speaking team leader

to head up my outbound sales to China.

China! How exciting, and oriental.

Do they like hot tubs over there?

-It’s a very strong market. -Well, there’s a lot of them!

-Sh. -Sorry.

I really need to take this.

-Sure. -[Jamina] Yeah.

What?

Er no, no. They have invalidated the warranty.

Well, of course it’s going to clog up the filters.

It’s a hot tub, not a birthing pool.

Look, I’ve got to go. Deal with it, okay?

-Sushi? -Oh, God, no, hate it.

Yes, it’s disgusting, I don’t know why I bought it.

Put that away.

Right, so what can you do for me?

Jamina, this is where I shine.

We will advertise the position, collate, prioritise

and then present you with a shortlist of applicants.

-You can do all that. -We can and will and do that.

And will do that and more.

And if you can find me someone with a six-pack I can grate cheese on

-and a fabulous arse, all the better. -[Trish chuckles]

-If only we could put that in the advert. -Yeah.

I think we might get done for sexual harassment.

Oh, God, not again! [chuckles]

-Angela! I am in a meeting. -Post’s arrived.

I just wanted to say... I love your hot tubs.

Very powerful jets.

[Jamina] And that’s why we’re number one in the West-Midlands.

Actually, Trish, now your PA is here,

maybe we could diarize a time for me to meet the shortlist?

My PA, yes, okay.

Angela, could you schedule a meeting with Jamina McNaulty please?

-Certainly, Trish. -Right, er... tomorrow at ten?

No, she’s not free.

Oh, come on Angela,

I’m sure you can reschedule whatever I’ve got booked.

I am not re-arranging your smear.

So, the hot tub hotline, hey?

Yeah, it’s for a job we’re advertising selling hot tubs.

I could do with a career change. Maybe I should apply.

Oh, you need to speak Mandarin.

Ching knee see wer de dandan.

Oh, okay. What does that mean?

"Please suck my balls."

I had a one night stand with this girl from Beijing.

Yeah, perhaps you shouldn’t apply.

I’m going to need access to your junction box.

Then maybe later get under your desk and inspect your socket.

Right.

You're talking about my vagina, aren’t you?

-[Karl] Alright? -[Andy] Alright.

-Are you here to fix the new phone line? -Yeah.

Will it take long or will you be gone quickly?

Well actually I’m a fast worker if you know what I mean.

Well, let me show you the junction box then.

["Work" playing]

Ah!

Piece of piss, just have to wire a new line cable into the master socket.

Oh, yeah, that’s what I thought.

Might string it out though.

Get a good crack at Goldilocks.

Who do you mean, Natalie?

No, she wouldn’t be interested in you.

Oh, you think so, do you?

You watch, by the end of the day I’ll be wearing her like a scarf.

-You can’t do that. -Why not?

[gasps] Because she’s got a boyfriend.

So? He’s not here is he.

He is...

It’s me, I am, me and Natalie are a couple, so...

I’m really sorry, you can’t have sex with her.

You? Really?

Yeah.

But obviously you can’t say anything, because she’s deputy manager

and technically you’re not allowed to boff your boss.

Fair dos, mate, respect.

-I’ll keep my distance. -Good.

Got any pictures of her tits?

And what better way to test the applicants’ sales skills

than with an actual McNaulty hot tub.

That is brilliant.

Do you know, I have my breakfast in one of these every morning.

That would be my dream!

The bubbles are so rejuvenating.

David is quite a… [sights] few years younger than me,

so I really do have to look after my skin.

That is uncanny, I’m several years older

-than my boyfriend Tom! -No!

-Yes! -[Jamina] I love it.

Oh, God he really keeps me on my toes.

Well, more on my back than on my toes, if you know what I mean!

Yes, I do, Tom's unquenchable!

Let him drink, I say.

My cup runneth over. [chuckles]

Can I just say, I love your necklace.

Thanks, Trish.

I’m hosting a little get together tonight at mine

just for a few other movers and shakers in the business world.

And, um... why don’t you come?

Oh my god, yes please.

Great! And do bring Tom, it’s not all business chat.

You know what things get like after a couple of glasses of wine.

Yes! I love wine! And business.

-Two teas. -Thank you, Angela.

And this is the McNaulty job spec. Can you load it up onto the system please.

-Certainly, Trish. -Actually, Angela

I quite fancy a frothy coffee now.

Oh yes, good idea.

Angela? Would you mind popping out and getting us some coffees?

Absolutely, no problem at all.

Brilliant, thanks.

Skinny decaf latte for me, please.

Americano, please.

-Do you need to write that down? -No.

-I don’t want you to get it wrong. -I won’t.

God my PA would forget her own name if she didn’t write it down.

You want to hold onto this one.

Oh, I will.

She puts the "angel" into Angela.

Actually, hon, I missed a delivery

you couldn’t pick this up from the post office for me could you?

Certainly, Trish.

["Work" playing]

Well, that’s me all done.

Good, great, well done. Bye then.

-What are you doing? -Hum? Spider, on your back.

Oh my god, Karl! Get it off, I hate spiders!

-[Karl] Uh... -Get it off!

Oh, he’s a cheeky one, he’s gone down here.

Come on, get it!

Yeah. Come on, little fella.

-Oh, there it is. -Don’t bring it near me!

Where is it? Where is it?

You know, I think it ran away.

["Work" playing]

Ah, great. I’ll take mine to go.

-I got you an extra biscotti. -Aww.

Actually, while you’re here you may as well give me the discount code.

-The what? -For my 50% off your hot tubs.

I’ve got my eye on a Big Bubbler.

No I’m sorry, sweetheart, discount codes are for staff only.

I did explain that to Trish.

Thanks for the coffee.

[glass breaks]

Do you like it?

It’s the same as Jamina’s.

-Yeah it’s nice. -Nice?

Sorry. I mean, you know... stunning.

Honestly, Karl, you should see Jamina’s house it’s amazing.

I can’t do the clip.

Oh, it’s so nice to make new friends.

Tom and Jamina’s husband, David, just clicked.

They’ve invited us to cycle

the Tissington Trail with them this weekend.

I think we’re their new BFF’s.

No Trish, I’m going to football with Tom this weekend.

I’ve already bought the tickets.

Karl, don’t be selfish, I need Tom this weekend.

Morning. Have you seen these?

Seventy-nine applications for the McNaulty job.

Seventy-nine!

The hot tub hotline's ringing off the hook!

You know, this place never ceases to amaze me.

Who’d have thought there were 79 people in Brownall who spoke Mandarin.

[Angela] They don’t.

I removed that specific from the job description.

What?

Ow, ow, ow! You’ve caught my hair.

It’s caught in my watch strap.

Angela, why did you do that?

Because it discriminates against people who don’t speak Mandarin.

But the job’s for a Mandarin speaker.

Exactly. You’re misleading people.

You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?

You lead me to believe we were going to get a 50% discount.

Altering a job spec is serious misconduct.

As is lying about staff incentives.

Natalie, what the heck are we going to do please?

You’re going to have to interview all the applicants.

It’s equal opportunities.

That’s 79 people before tomorrow morning, and the hotline’s still ringing.

Don’t answer it. If you answer it we have to interview them.

-I’ll sort it. -[shouts] Ow! Karl!

[Natalie] Ow!

Angela, you’ll have to stay late and help with the interviews.

-I’ve got a life drawing class. -Miss it.

It was booked weeks ago.

They won’t be able to get another model at such short notice.

You can’t mislead people, Trish. It can make them very bitter.

["Work" playing]

[music stops suddenly]

[shouts] Fuck you!

[blows out] Hush!

[smoke alarm ringing]

What kind of prized prat does this?

-[Karl] Dunno, I just found it like this. -Do you think you can fix it?

You’re joking aren’t you, the DN cable’s blown.

Jesus, not the DN.

Whoever’s done this needs taking out into the street and shooting.

Alright, thanks, Paul.

I’ll leave you to it, I’ve got some cable work of my own to do.

Excuse me.

What have you done?

I was just trying to disconnect the "Hot Tub" hotline.

Turns out it’s not as easy as it looks.

Well, you’ve blown the DN cable.

I know that now.

[gasps] I’m going to have to get that phone engineer back in.

Balls.

["Over And Over" playing]

Next.

So, background in sales, that’s brilliant.

-How are you with languages? -I speak a bit of schoolboy French.

How about schoolboy Chinese?

No.

Think you could pick it up?

[job seeker] Ideal for parties.

Relax with your partner.

Invite your friends and neighbours over for fun times.

You are really very good at this.

-Thanks, I used to be in sales. -Brilliant.

One other thing you will need to learn a little bit of Mandarin.

Mandarin? No, no. I will not work with the Chinese.

-I’m not a racist but-- -Thanks for your time.

["Over And Over" playing]

I’m guessing you don’t know any Chinese?

I do, I know loads.

-Really? -[Graham] Yeah.

There’s The House of Mr. Ling, Chung Wahs, Lucky Moon--

No, I mean do you speak any Chinese?

I don’t need to, it’s all numbered,

apart from Chung Wahs, because that’s a buffet.

["Over And Over" playing]

Hello, beautiful. Ching knee see wer de dandan?

-I’m not going to suck your balls. -[Andy sights]

-Oh, actually-- -You are going to suck my balls?

No, but you know how you said you were looking for a change of career...

Why don’t you interview for the hot tub job?

-What’s in it for me? -What do you want?

I just told you in Chinese.

You’d have to buy me a drink first.

-Won’t your boyfriend mind? -My boyfriend?

Yeah, Karl. Don’t worry, I know it’s supposed to be a secret.

["Over And Over" playing]

-Ooh, it’s gorgeous. -It suits you.

Mind you, I like to keep my hands free, so I prefer a strap on.

That’s a lovely image.

Morning.

Angela, hi. Um...

-Would you be my PA again please? -No.

Alright fine, you’re angry, because I wasn’t entirely honest.

You lied.

Let’s not shilly-shally. What’s it going to take?

A 50% discount on a hot tub.

Yes, but we both know that’s not going to happen.

You could pay half.

I will contribute 10% towards the cost of your hot tub.

-Fifty percent. -Twenty percent.

-Fifty percent. -Thirty percent.

-Fifty percent. -Angela we’re bartering

-you have to meet me halfway. -I’m not meeting you anywhere.

Fine, fifty-percent. I’ll pay 50% of your hot tub.

I hope you have many relaxing hours in it.

Careful not to drown.

Don’t worry, I won’t be alone.

Buying a McNaulty Hot Tub is a lifestyle choice.

This isn’t just leisure, this is "all weather leisure."

As they say in China, "ching knee see wer de dandan"

which means: "this hot tub will bring you happy fortune."

Oh, my god, I want one! [chuckles]

And I’m not talking about the hot tub.

Where did you find him? He’s perfect!

All part of the service.

Congratulations, the job is yours. You are going to make a lot of money.

Fine by me.

Well, I think this calls for a celebration.

Angela, frothy coffees.

Bollocks to the coffee.

I want some fizz with my bubbles.

Really? It’s not yet noon.

Come on, Trish, let’s have a bit of fun.

What am I thinking, I’m normally blotto by lunchtime! [chuckles]

Let’s celebrate the start of a beautiful new relationship.

Angela, champagne.

-Very well. -[Jamina] Actually, Andy, do you think

you could offer us a full wet test?

-A wet test? -Oh, yeah.

I want the complete immersive brand experience.

[hot tub bubbling]

[Jamina] You know, Andy, now you’re part of our company

you really must come round to one of our little parties.

-Trish has been haven’t you? -Yes. Loved it.

-You okay, Andy? -Yes... fine.

[Jamina] I really love your tattoos, Andy.

Angela, I think we should be getting out and back to work.

Don’t want to go all crinkly.

She’s not much fun as a boss, is she?

Actually, she’s giving me half the money towards my Big Bubbler.

Oh well, I take it all back, they’re over eight grand!

-How much? -You know, Andy,

with a body like that, you are going to sell a lot of hot tubs.

Sorry, Jamina, but I think your hand might accidentally be on my penis.

Me and my husband are very... open-minded.

Right, that’s it. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

This is not my world. People need to be signed on

and you’re groping a man in a sexual water feature.

Oh, come on, Trish. This is how business works.

Nearly all of my deals have been done in a hot tub with a glass of bubbly.

Well, not in my job centre.

I thought you and I were friends, Trish?

You and Tom are coming cycling this weekend?

No, you’d probably lure us to some remote sex den

and molest us with a bicycle pump.

Turn the bubbles off, we’re getting out.

That woman treated me like a piece of meat.

You owe me. Come on, give us your number.

No, my boyfriend’s over there.

-You know she said she’d cheat on you? -[Karl] Mm.

When I said she was my girlfriend, I meant--

Lover, partner, better half. You complete me.

[sighs]

[Andy] I give up.

I probably need to explain.

-You know we can’t date people from work. -Yeah... no, I didn’t--

So, I’m sorry... We’re going to have to split up.

[sighs] Look, the reason I said that me and you were a couple--

Don’t make this worse than it has to be.

I’m just going to go home

watch The Notebook in my PJs and cry into a tub of Nutella.

Well, don’t cry.

You’re going to watch The Notebook?

I love Ryan Gosling.

["Firewater" playing]

[Janette and Paul laughing]

-[Paul] Look out! -[champagne cork pops]

[hot tub bubbling]

I shouldn’t really, champagne gives me terrible wind.

Don't worry, Janette, let rip.

-Doesn’t matter with all these bubbles. -[both laugh]

["Work" playing]