Original subtitles

[truck braking]

[horn beeping]

[groaning]

Mm.

Mmm.

[cutlery rattling]

["Love Machine" playing]

[chuckles]

Trish?

[giggles] Morning sleepy-head! How do you like your eggs?

["Work" playing]

[Trish] ♪ Like the first morning ♪

I was dreading it Karl.

"The day of the divorce", sounds like a horror film!

And when you suggested work drinks to celebrate, I really wasn't sure but...

I had one of the best nights of my life! It went off!

Did it?

Don't you remember? Janette was grinding George!

Paul downed half a pint of rosé,

and you lifted me up like in Dirty Dancing!

What am I like.

Honestly, who'd have thought it?

Me and a younger man!

[Karl whimpers]

[Trish] You alright?

Yeah, I'm just… I'm just tired.

I'm not surprised, you were like the Duracell bunny last night!

I couldn't keep up with you. [chuckles]

Oh, I'll drop you here.

I don't want the new girl thinking you're the boss's favourite!

That's absolutely fine.

[handle rattles]

I can't get out.

Just pull your knob up. Whoops that sounded rude!

[Trish] Oh, dear.

["Work" playing]

I haven't drunk that much since I got the all clear.

You were in a right state.

I woke up with a wet sleeve and three Koi carp in a bin bag.

I fell asleep in the lounge... crazy.

How do you do it? You're half the size of a normal person.

Doesn't affect me. I did three loads of ironing when I got in.

-[Paul] Here he is! -How was the after party?

-What "after party"? -[Paul] Well, you insisted

-we all went back to yours. -Did I?

-And did you? -Have you had a head injury?

I don't really remember much.

I warned you about mixing your drinks.

It never ends well when I drink Zambuca.

We all went home when the pub kicked out, but Trish went back to yours.

Anyone fancy a tea?

I, uh... I mixed my drinks. [chuckles]

You mixed lemonade with lager. It's not the same.

[Trish] Oops!

-Sorry. -That's alright, you come first.

Come on, guys.

["I want you" playing]

[George] I totally crashed out, I didn't even put my pajamas on.

-Morning, Trish. -Morning, Paul.

[Trish] Come on, everyone, settle yourselves.

So, can I just say a big thank you to everyone who came out last night.

Honestly, I should get divorced every week!

You missed a cracking night, Angela.

I'll live.

[Trish] As you know, job centres are a' changing.

Now to help lighten my load

we have got ourselves a brand new, shiny, deputy manager: Natalie Mason!

Little clap!

Natalie, why don't you say a few words.

[Natalie] Yeah, okay.

Hi everyone, I'm Natalie.

Hello, Natalie.

Hi. I'm 25. I'm really excited to be here.

And, er, what about myself?

-I'm a virgin. -[Karl mumbles]

-A job centre virgin. -Natalie's a young professional.

She used to work in recruitment.

Oh, my God, that's amazing.

Yeah, I've never worked in a Job Centre before

I was on the management training scheme.

Sailed through with flying colours.

[Natalie] I wanted to do something that put people first, not commission.

It's really great to be somewhere where they don't have targets.

-Hum, but we have got-- -Okay. Thanks, George.

-Yeah, I'm just saying that we have got-- -Sshhh!

[Trish] Have we got any questions?

Don't you think you're too young and inexperienced to be a deputy manager?

Good question. Great question.

-I am young, but I've got loads of ideas. -Like what?

[Trish] Okay, as you all know Angela has been very public in her disappointment

at being overlooked for the role of deputy manager.

However, we have now reached a settlement.

I have agreed to award Angela the position of "cost cutting champion"

and Angela has agreed to pay for the...

"accidental" damage to my car.

But Angela's already "hot drinks and litter champion"--

And that's the end of the matter, Paul.

["Work" playing]

It's just so great to have you here.

It gets lonely at the top, especially for a woman.

-I hear you, sister! -[chuckles]

Very, very funny! This is exactly how I imagined it!

Yes, I'm your boss, but I also want to be like your best friend.

-My "boss friend"! -[both chuckle]

We're just bonding, this is great!

Because I think it's important that we can talk to each other about anything.

-Please do. -Okay.

Last night I had sex for the first time in two and a half years.

Good for you!

Sorry, I've just been bursting to tell someone.

No, that… That's great!

-Back on the horse and all that. -You're not wrong. It was like Buckaroo.

And so unexpected. I mean, I went back to Karl's flat--

-Oh, you and Karl? -No, I mean...

That would have been totally inappropriate.

Little management tip, Natalie:

don't indulge in sexual relations with any of your team.

Yeah, got it. Don't poo on your own doorstep.

Exactly. Anyway, I got chatting to Karl's flatmate: Tom.

He's a landscape gardener, so F-I-T!

Oh! Did he sow his seed?

That works because he's a gardener.

But yes, yes he did.

[rattling]

-Why is the stationary cupboard locked? -Because, as cost cutting champion,

I need to supervise our resources.

-I only want a Biro. -You have to ask me first.

Can I have a Biro please, Angela?

You need to fill out a request form.

I'm not filling out a form for a Biro. I'm the fraud officer.

Rules are rules.

How am I supposed to fill this in if I haven't got a pen?

Use a pencil.

I haven't got a pencil.

[Karl] You alright?

-Great, thanks, just logging on. -Hmm.

[whispers] I don't know how to log on.

-Nice mouse action. -Cheers.

I sit right there, so anything else just "holla".

[George] Someone's been a dirty sausage.

You and Trish, eh?

What? I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

You had full sex with Trish last night.

-George! -[George] That's what Paul said.

Sorry, can I just explain. Yes, I had sex.

-Full sex. -[Karl] With Trish, but I was very drunk.

I don't remember any of it.

-Actually, I don't think-- -No, sorry.

Can you just hear me out. Let me explain.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression of me, Natalie.

I'm a big hit with women.

-No, you're not. -George, did you want something?

-Yeah, can I borrow a pen? -No.

What's wrong with sleeping with Trish? She's a very handsome woman.

Yeah, Trish is great and everything, but she's just not my type.

I like young girls.

You like young girls?

Younger girls, women, younger women.

You know, like you. Not like you...

but just girls your age, women...

Women your age, generally.

I see, what Trish was saying makes sense now.

[stuttering] What was she saying?

She was talking about how much she enjoyed it...

-How special it was. -No, no, no, she wasn't?

How she feels like she's been... uncorked.

Oh, God.

["Work" playing]

Doughnut, anybody? Angela?

[Angela] Hang on.

I felt the need for a bit of sugar after last night.

Do you want one?

Okay.

See if you can eat it without licking your lips. [chuckles]

Ooh!

I'd better get a napkin in case it dribbles down my chin.

["Work" playing]

Ah, Janette, I need you to arrange an interview for me.

You're leaving? Again? Why?

I found a job that I really want.

Is this because you had sex with Trish?

-How do you know? -[Janette] Brilliant!

George owes me a tenner.

People were betting on it?

It's been on the cards for a while.

-No, it hasn't. -Can I say how pleased I am.

Well, no, you can't, because it's the worst thing

that's ever happened to me. Please, Janette.

[dial tone]

Hello, I'm calling from Brownall Job Centre.

Yeah.

I have a claimant interested in your vacancy.

Me, Karl...

Karl Lyndhurst.

-Tell them I've got a degree. -He's got a degree.

-In Fine Art. Fine Art. -In Fine Art.

-He's got one degree in Fine Art. -No, no, no.

[Karl whispers] No, "first", "first".

It's his first degree in Fine Art.

Oh, you do it!

Do you think I should call him?

Personally, I wouldn't. You don't want to seem too keen.

But I am keen. Super keen.

Here's what we're going to do: we'll text him

but with no more than seven words. Something like:

"Hi, last night was great."

Smiley face and only one kiss.

One kiss? Ice queen.

Then a "Z".

-"Z"? -It's next to X on the keypad.

You're so cool, you don't even proofread your texts.

God, you're good, Natalie! I'm so glad you're here you're here.

What are deputy managers for!

Oh, what the hay! I'm adding another "Z"!

Do you know it's true what they say, Natalie.

After the drought comes the flood, and I am ready to get soaking wet.

["Work" playing]

[Janette] Trish!

I just want to say, good for you. About time you blew the cobwebs away.

-Okay. -[Janette] I'm so happy.

Because it must've been ages since you've been intimate with a man.

Okay, that's enough, Janette.

-Tom replied! -Ooh!

"Do you fancy lunch? Double winky-face, three kisses."

I replied: "Yum yum, one kiss." And he sent this...

-What exactly is a booty call? -Umm.

[indistinct whispering]

[both giggle]

And there was me thinking it was something to do with pirates! [laughs]

You need to move people on quicker.

-Why? -They're soaking up all our heat.

We're not here to give handouts.

-Aren't we? -People give off heat, Angela.

Unemployed people don't. They're too low energy.

[Graham snoring]

Have you signed on?

Do you mean today...

or ever in my life?

You need to move along. Come on!

-Can I just stand in the corner? -Outside.

More.

Get clear of the sensors, you're letting the cold air in.

If he comes back in. Call the police.

["Work" playing]

Maybe it's upside down.

-No. -No.

What you doing?

Found this behind the unit.

Yeah, yeah it belongs to a client, he's got an interview this afternoon.

They're taking that to a job interview? Good luck.

[Paul and George chuckle]

Oh, that's good. Did one of your kids do that?

-One of the claimants did it. -[all chuckle]

-What's it meant to be? -It's a cow.

Really? A cow?

-So is that its head? -That? No, that's its tail.

It's too big to be its tail.

It's abstract. It's not meant to be literal.

Open your minds. See the piece as a whole.

So that's not its head then?

No.

[chair rattles]

Why's it colder than a witch's tit in here?

-I thought the heating was broken? -[Angela] No, I've turned it down.

[Paul] What for? We're not storing meat.

I'm saving us money.

-I think that's a great idea, Angela. -Thanks.

But I have just lost the feeling in my feet.

Yeah, that's bad circulation.

-I'll turn it up. -No, you won't.

[Paul] Hold your horses, Natalie's deputy manager--

And I'm cost cutting commander, it's my jurisdiction.

Commander? You were champion half an hour ago.

[Angela] Either way, I have control of the thermostat

and it's staying on six.

["Let Forever Be" playing]

[video game tones]

-[Lottie] Hi, there! -Mmm.

-Karl, is it? -Mhmm.

-I'm Lottie. -[Karl] Mmm.

-[Lottie] Ben's running a bit late. -Mmm.

But help yourself to anything you fancy. There's M&M's there.

Mmm? Oh, wow, M&M's.

Can I get you a drink? What coffee do you like?

Oh, um... Goldblend?

We've got our own barista. He'll make you anything.

-Anything? -[milk steamer sprays]

[Ben] Right, okay. So that's not its head?

-No. -Yeah, yeah, this piece. It's really...

challenging.

-Thanks. -Did you say your degree's in...

Art. Fine Art. I got a first.

Well, I was two marks off, but it's the same thing right? [laughs]

So, Karl, the position you're applying for involves creating artwork

for computer games. Do you think you could adapt your...

style to that?

-Yes. Yes I could. -Cool. Cool. Great. How?

Well, um...

I could add a gun to that particular piece.

It could be a new game, you know...

-"Killer cow." -Killer cow?

Yeah, it could fight other farm yard animals.

You know, it could fight your sheep, your hens, your horses...

Well, horses, mainly. The end of level boss could be...

a big shire horse that you have to kill by firing, um...

milky bullets from your, um...

-You know, your tits. -Tits?

[Karl] Yeah, yeah, udders.

Okay. Cool. And, um... what's this one?

[Karl] Um...

It's the crying eye of a war child.

["Work" playing]

-Oh! -Hello, Karl!

-Hello, Trish. How are you? -[Trish] I'm fine.

Why are you coming in the back way?

Er... just for a change.

Why are you standing behind a bin?

Um... because I...

am... Smoking. [chuckles]

-You caught me! I am a dirty smoker. -Are you?

Yes, I love the fags.

I'll probably have one now, actually.

-[Trish] Yeah. -Okay.

[coughs]

Oh, that's smooth. [coughs]

[coughs] So are you going to go inside?

Yeah, I'll probably just mosey on in.

Yeah, I think I'll just move round here for a bit.

[stuttering] Are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, just a bit lightheaded.

-Oh! -[thud]

-Trish? -[Trish] Get up, get up!

[Tom] I'm trying.

[Trish] Oh!

-[Trish] Oh... -Hello, mate.

-Tom, what are you doing? -I'm not going to lie to you, Karl.

I'm doing exactly what it looks like.

He booty-called me.

Things sort of developed after last night.

Last night?

Yeah, when Trish came back to ours and we, you know.

You and Trish?

Karl, you know this, we talked about it in the car.

Yeah... Oh, yeah. Obviously.

Yeah, you came back to ours and you both...

You... It was...

Are you going to be okay with this?

Yeah, I mean, this is absolutely fine.

I just, oh...

I'm so pleased.

Oh, Karl, I'm so glad you don't think this is weird.

[sighs]

[gasps] Bloody hell, Graham! You gave me kittens then!

Come in.

Be quick, we're closing in ten minutes.

Thanks, Janette. I did go and sit in the swimming baths

but they get funny if you're only watching.

-What's he doing back? -[Janette] Oh, Angela, let him stay

it's bitter outside.

Actually, I think it's colder in here.

I'll go and find a warm corner in IKEA.

-[Janette] You stay put. -[Trish] Everything alright?

Angela's turned the heating down.

Which is well within my role as cost cutting tzar.

Oh, we don't need to worry about cost cutting anymore, Angela.

Natalie's had a brainwave.

She's ordered a load of energy saving light bulbs.

It's going to save us a fortune.

-Turn it back up, Paul. -What shall we say, er, 22?

Twenty-four! Let's go tropical!

["Work" playing]

Just so you know, a bit of a misunderstanding.

It turns out Trish actually slept with my flatmate.

Yeah, I knew that. Sorry. I just couldn't resist winding you up.

Your face was too funny.

[gasps]

Yeah, right, that is hilarious. You're a really good liar.

I'd never have done it if I thought

you were going to apply for another job though.

Did you get it?

Yeah, they really wanted me, but, um, it just wasn't right.

Uh, I could do with a beer after today. You up to anything tonight?

Are you asking me out?

No... just rolling with the small talk.

Don't worry, I'm winding you up.

[sighs]

I think I'm just going to head home anyway.

Oh, right yeah. It's your first day and all that.

I'll probably just head off myself actually.

I might do a baked potato.

So turns out, Tom's extremely allergic to dogs

which means my flat is totally off limits.

So I'm coming round yours tonight.

Oh, you've lucked out. Got yourself a free lift home.

And back again in the morning.

It's going to be like working with your flatmate.

-Or living with your boss. -[both chuckle]

[fake laughs] Yeah, great.

Ready when you are, Roomy.

-Enjoy your baked potato. -There's no need for baked potatoes.

Tom's making us a romantic meal.

I'm sure there'll be enough for three. Come on, Karl. Bye, Natalie.

[Natalie] Bye.

["Blondes Are The Bomb" playing]

See, that was more fun than watching the football, wasn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I love a romcom.

[Trish and Tom giggle]

[yawns]

-I think we might turn in mate. -Okay.

-Night, Karl. -Yep. Night, mate.

[Trish giggles] Oh, Tom!

[giggles] Oh! You're hanging around...

[Trish screams] Ah! Ooh!

[grunts]

["Work" playing]