Original subtitles

- You know, I usually don't fool around, darling,

but my wife's in Hawaii

and if I don't get some before sundown,

I'm liable to break out in pimples.

And God knows I couldn't take that.

- Oh, you got a big dog.

- Oh, don't you worry about that dog.

Yeah, you have the right to remain silent,

although I'd like you to yell a little bit.

Anything you say.

Can be held against you.

- Oh, you're so strong!

- Oh, baby, yeah!

- You're so big!

Oh, I'm so glad your wife is in Hawaii!

- Oh, me too, girl, do it, oh, yeah!

- Alright!

Hey, what, come on, put the gun,

drop the fucking gun.

Come on. - Drop your pants, Officer!

- Come on, that's loaded.

- Drop your pants, Officer

- God dammit!

Come on!

- Drop 'em!

Now, get down on your knees, Officer!

Now, bark like a dog!

- Come on! - Go!

Louder!

Louder!

Come on, give me a big dog!

A big dog!

- You wanna play rough?

I'll teach you how to play rough!

Wanna bark like a dog?

Well, I'll fuck you like a dog!

- Get off of me!

You want to play rough?

- Get off that fucking car

before I beat you like a step child!

- I'll get off, boy, I's bad!

I'm bad b-a-capital D!

- No, man, take the car!

Take the car!

- I'll take everything you got!

- Take the girl!

- I don't know who you are, but I love you!

Don't move, don't move!

- You saved my life.

- No, baby, you saved my life!

Don't you understand?

Thirty seconds ago I was a roofer,

a fucking roofer living in Canoga Park.

Now I'm rich, I got the best looking babe in the world

and I'm driving a 1960 powder blue Buick convertible!

- Yeah!

- It's just, it's just the beginning baby!

Woo!

It's just the beginning, baby, it's just the beginning!

I can see it coming!

It's fuzzy, it's fuzzy, but I can see it coming!

Look down at my pinkie twitching!

Look, it's gonna be big

It's gonna be big!

- I like big!

- Yeah, baby, big!

A big old mansion with a pool!

- In Beverly Hills?

- Yeah, in Beverly Hills, baby.

With a big old tennis court,

a big old Wolf range for cooking.

- As long as it's big 'cause like I said, I like big!

- That's 'cause you're bad too!

It's destiny, baby!

- Oh, it's love at first sight.

Oh, it's Karma, babe, we're bad!

- "Love at first sight.

"He was a roofer.

"I was working at a garden center.

"We met on our lunch break

"and we kind of altered the course of each other's lives.

"You hear about it, you read about it,

"but man, oh, man, when it happens, wow!

"It's like you fasten your seat belt

"and hold on for the ride."

- Shout it out!

- Eighty five!

- Yeah!

- Ninety!

- Ooohhh, yes!

- Ninety five!

I got it, whooo!

Bingo!

Come on baby, come to Daddy.

- I'm coming!

I'm coming!

- Goddamn!

We're bad!

- Yes, we are! - We are bad!

I'm bad and you're beautiful!

- I'm bad!

I'm bad!

I'm a female Robin Hood!

- And I'm Friar Fuck!

Oh, damn!

Are we lucky or what?

Look at all these clothes!

Look at how red this is!

- Red's my favorite color!

Well, put it on for Daddy, baby,

and be the devil you always were!

A zoot suit!

This is a zoot suit! - Baby, I'm a big red devil!

- Goddammit!

Oh, Daddy, you're gonna look so fine in that suit!

- Oh, God, baby,

you gotta promise me that now that I found you,

you're never gonna let me go.

I promise that I will love you forever and ever

with all my heart and all my soul.

- Yeah!

- Yeah! - See, I'm telling you,

I'm psychic, I knew it.

Some people call it a gut feeling.

- Yeah!

- You know,

like it makes your fucking dick stands right up on end.

It's like love, baby.

Whoa!

When I met you, God.

- Tell me about that dick thing again!

- What does your dick feel like?

- Oh, you tell me.

- Hmm, come here.

Ooh, it feels soft and wet and warm, it's like home.

Yeah!

Remember the plan I was telling you about?

Uh, see that?

See my little finger twitching?

I got this psychic ability,

it's starting to range

- with me right now. - What is it?

What is it?

- Well, it's just gestating.

I can't tell you exactly.

It's bubbling up through the grey matter of my mind.

- Yeah?

- Oh, my God!

- Yeah, yeah, what is it? - Get a pencil, get a pencil!

It's starting to etch itself out

on the oui-gee

- board of my brain. - What is it?

Tell me!

- Oh, my God!

It's, it's, it's, it's...

Do you see it?

Do you see it?

- What?

Tell me, tell me! - It's a $10 million

price tag!

That's all it's gonna cost!

It's $10 million!

$10 million!

- We can do it, we can do it!

- How?

- Oh, God!

- Tell me!

- Oh, hold on, here it comes.

- What?

- Oh, it's bubbling through me.

Oh, my God, it's coming up through my spine.

- What is it? - There it is in my head!

Pow! - What?

- I got a letter!

Write it down!

- What? - It's a v, it's a v!

- Vagina.

Vagina, yeah, that's a good one!

That's a good one.

Oh, I got another letter.

Hold on, hold on, I feel it coming.

I feel it coming!

- Come on!

- It's an e!

- E!

- It's an e!

Vana, Vana, write the goddamn e down.

Hold on, I got another, I got another!

- What is it? - It's a g, it's a g!

It's definitely a g! - G, good!

- Good, yeah, yeah, this is real good!

Hold on, I got another one!

I got another, here it comes, here it comes.

Wait, wait, wait.

Damn, there it is!

It's an a!

- A, a, uh, apocalyptic!

- Yeah, that's a good word.

That's a good word, apocalyptic.

Alright, now hold on, the last one.

It's, it's, oh, God, I'm getting a little dizzy.

- Alright, give it to me.

- Getting a little dizzy.

Here it comes.

It's coming.

It's a swarmy one.

What is it?

It's an s!

S!

- It's an s, s!

Sex!

Sex!

Spell it, spell it!

What's that spell?

V-E-G-A-S, Vegas!

Woo!

Fucking Vegas man!

- Hi, honey.

- Do you need a ride?

It's your wedding day.

You must be excited.

You okay?

You look so pretty.

- Tell her you like her dress.

- I love your dress.

- Work the polka dots.

- I love polka dots.

You know, I had a polka dotted dress once.

It was a prom dress, it was my high school prom.

And I had the cutest boyfriend

- Nothing like me, darling.

He was almost as cute as Harry.

Well, maybe even a little cuter.

Yeah, we had a great time,

bought a six pack of beer, a little weed.

We never even made it to the prom.

Ah, we just started drinking and smoking

and then, next thing you knew,

we ended up in a tattoo parlor getting tattooed.

- Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I used to have some polka dot tennis shoes

when I was a little boy

and there was this girl that lived next door to me,

now I don't know if she was potty trained,

but we used to play doctor all the time and my God,

I swear she'd tinkle every time I gave her an examination.

Get on in here.

- You know, I also had some polka dotted shoes I think.

Yeah!

- Speaking of polka dots

a friend of mine polka dotted his car once.

Yeah, I sure do miss that old polka dot car.

I actually used to have a polka dot puppy

that got stepped on by a polka dot horse,

which really broke up my first wife,

but ah, that's another story for you, darling.

- I'm Cecelia and this is Harry.

- Hi.

- We're very pleased to meet you.

- You wait and you wait all of your life

for the right man to come along,

you save yourself,

then one day there's somebody there down on his knees

asking you to marry him.

And even though he isn't the biggest fish in the pond,

you go and you buy yourself a nice wedding dress

and head on out to Vegas.

And on the way he tells you he's got this problem,

he has this little problem

he's been keeping a secret all of his life.

And I am burning up with anticipation

and I tell you it's not because of the desert heat,

it's because I have been saving myself.

And so I say in my nicest about-to-be-married voice

"So, tell me about your problem, sweetheart."

And he lets it out.

I mean out loud.

I mean, he actually said it to me.

- What was it, sweetheart?

You can tell us.

- He said...

- Yeah?

- That he...

- Yeah?

- He said that he couldn't...

- What?

Get it up?

What?

- That's not funny!

- Well, I'm sorry, I...

- Don't say that.

That's not funny.

You're making fun of me.

- Sorry, I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

It just it happens to some guys.

It never happened to me, personally, but it happens.

- You are making fun of me.

- No, I'm not making fun of you.

I... I'm sorry.

- If somebody doesn't make love to me

in the next five minutes,

I am gonna blow my brains out.

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- I can't stand it anymore!

- Lady, put the gun down.

- Please, pull this car over right now,

otherwise, I am gonna blow my brains out.

- Yes, ma'am.

So, so, what do you think?

Think she's gonna blow her brains out?

- Yeah.

- How do you know that?

- It's a woman thing.

- Oh, so what the hell are we supposed to do?

- Just give me a minute.

Listen, sweetheart, everything's gonna be okay.

I'm gonna being my boyfriend over

and he's a really good lover.

He'll make love to you, it's gonna be fine.

Okay?

Yeah, okay, come on let's go.

- What's going on?

- We're settled.

- What is settled?

- Well, you, she...

- Oh, don't even say it.

You gotta be kidding me.

- Oh, come on!

Come on, baby.

If you can't do it for her, do it for me, please?

- Yeah, but, but, but...

- As a special favor.

Okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Yes, ma'am.

- I can't.

I just can't.

- It's okay, ma'am.

I was a little stiff my first time too.

That's very kind of you to share that with me,

but, there's another reason why I can't.

It's not because I don't find you attractive, because I do.

I really do.

It's just that,

well, I've got this tiny little inheritance problem

to solve first.

My dear Daddy, before he died,

he put this tiny clause in his will that said:

"Precious, honey" that's what he liked to call me, Precious.

He said, "If you want that ten million dollar inheritance

"that's coming to you,

"well, there's just a couple of tiny stipulations

"that I'm sure won't cause you any problem whatsoever."

- Now, let me guess, ma'am...

A, you've got to be married.

And B, you've got to be a virgin on your wedding night.

♪ Love and money, love and money

♪ A little love and a whole lot of money, honey

♪ Love and money, love and money

♪ A little love and a whole lot of money

- You wait and you wait

and all of a sudden you find yourself

in a lovely, lovely honeymoon suite in Las Vegas, Nevada

with a good-looking man,

a strong man

and his lovely, lovely sweetheart.

Now, I know it may seem a little out of the ordinary

but, under the circumstances, having waited so long, well,

it just seems perfectly natural.

- Oh, Precious,

we just want your wedding night to be all that it can be.

- Young man,

do you think you could help me out of this dress?

I just bought myself the most precious peignoir

in the hotel gift shop.

And I'll just excuse myself

and go over there into that room to put it on.

- Excuse me, ma'am but

before we get started on this

all it can be honeymoon night,

do you mind if we have a little conversation about that

that ten million dollar inheritance you

- Oh, darling, not tonight.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

- Come on, baby, we gotta get outta here.

I don't think we can trust her.

- Hey, she's your wife, baby.

- Goddamn, girl, whose side are you on?

- Our side.

We're gonna be rich.

Yeah!

- Yeah!

We're bad, baby!

We're bad, baby!

Bad!

We're bad!

Yeah, we're bad!

Bad, bad, bad, bad!

We're bad, Bad, bad, bad, bad!

- Oh, Precious!

Oh, you look lovely!

- Gorgeous, darling, gorgeous.

- I just have one itty bitty little favor to ask of you.

Would you be considering it too much of an inconvenience

to talk me through my first time

like you started to do in the country?

I must say I found it most helpful.

- No, Precious.

Now are you saying you want my Harry

to start off where you left off in the country?

- Yes, darling.

I found the metal of the car against my skin most exciting.

Maybe we could recreate that desired effect

right here on this little old bed.

- Oh, excellent idea.

- Excuse me, ma'am, but, ah, getting down on your knees,

that's something a man usually does when he's courting,

not with his wife.

- Well, darling that's something

I wouldn't know anything about.

- Oooops, wait!

- What?

No, you're rushing, honey.

You gotta take it slow.

Here.

Let me, let me show you.

Here, take this and film it

just in case you need to refer to it in the future.

See, you got to take it slow and take your time.

You can't rush it.

The most important thing in life,

is to make sure this lasts as long as possible.

Don't rush it, honey.

You have to just, hm, get in the water

and let the current do the work.

I think I got the idea.

Why don't you let me try?

- You don't need to ask.

He's your husband.

- That's right.

- Come on, darling.

- I am floating.

- No, baby, I aint floating.

- You are floating.

Teach me, baby, come on, teach me.

Oh, God, am I floating too fast?

- No, honey, you're doing great.

- You're doing just fine.

- Here, let me just step in just for an itty bitty minute.

There, hang in.

- Darling, are you sure

this is the first time you ever did this?

- I don't think this is the first time.

- Oh, baby, I love it!

- We're bad!

We're bad!

- "I guess you probably

"have it figured out by now, Red Shoes,

"that A, Precious was not an heiress,

"there was not ten million dollars,

"B, she was not even from the south,

"she was from upstate New York,

"but her accent was good,

"and C, which I know is gonna be hard for you to believe,

"Precious was definitely not a virgin."

That's what you were saying.

You said she wasn't a virgin.

I argued with you.

You were right.

I apologize. 503