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What do you mean you can't find my reservation?

I'm sorry sir. I can't find it!

- When did you book your table? - Last Valentine's Day when I couldn't get a reservation.

When did you call to confirm?

Oh.

Sorry, I couldn't decide what to wear.

Right this way.

When you've got a beautiful girl it changes everything.

We met in April in the park at my accountant league softball game.

She caught my foul ball and I asked her if she had filed.

I prepared her first tax return and together...

we found a lotta good write-offs.

I was in love.

I couldn't get enough of her.

And everything we did was special.

By October, she confessed that I stole her heart.

So for Halloween I told her we should go as convicts.

You could lock us up together and throw away the key.

Christmas came and I met her parents.

Her dad said I had a firm handshake and a face you could trust.

Her mom liked the way I made her daughter laugh.

For our first Valentine's Day we drove up the coast

and stayed at a little Bed and Breakfast.

Let's just say we had a lot more bed then breakfast.

A couple of months later was our one year anniversary from the day we met.

It was the best year of my life.

Another Halloween.

We had a photo album. We had a history.

We were a real couple. She was my angel.

We listened to each other's favorite songs.

She bought me clothes, we finished each other's sentences.

We talked about the future.

Our second Valentine's Day and she was now officially my longest relationship.

But it all still felt wonderfully new.

For her birthday I took her to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

We saw The Radiators and ate crawfish.

We drank way too many Hurricanes.

And every guy threw her beads.

She didn't even have to pull up her shirt.

Just look at her. My Chloe, one of a kind.

Sunshine in a bottle.

Beautiful.

This is so good. But this is gonna mean an extra half hour on the treadmill.

I'm sure we can burn it off later.

Maybe we should ask for the check.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Steven what's this?

Just open it.

All right.

Oh my God!

It's beautiful.

You, come here.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

Don't stop!

I love having sex with you.

- Think we should get that? - No!

It's 1:30 on Valentine's Day night, it could be an emergency.

It's all right.

I want you inside me.

I think we should get that.

I'll answer it.

No.

Hello. Oh, hi.

I was sleeping.

- Who is it? - Shh.

Oh baby, that is so sexy, I can't wait to taste you again.

I just got a bikini-wax.

What the fuck is going on?

Who was that?

That was my booker.

Her boyfriend hit her again.

The fuck it was!

Who can't wait to taste you again?

Steven?

- You were listening? - Who gives a shit?

There is some guy sayin' how he can't wait to taste you and you,

you got a bikini-wax for him?

No, I got the bikini-wax for you.

- Who was that? - It doesn't matter. Come here.

I loved the bracelet and now I'm gonna give you your present.

Chloe, I'm serious.

Who did you get the bikini-wax for?

You Steven.

I got it for you.

Wait, wait a minute! This is bullshit!

Did you have sex with this guy?

You did the right thing. I can't believe you had the balls to break up

with a piece of ass that hot, but you did the right thing.

It's not like I had a choice. She was cheating on me.

Oh, come on! You think it was the first time?

This is just the first time you caught her.

Look, any girl that beautiful is always gonna cheat.

Why?

You knew Chloe was cheating on me?

No, not specifically, but think about it.

She looks like every guy's fantasy,

every guy! Rockstars, athletes, billionaires,

they are all gonna make a play for her...

- She is only human, Steve-o. - Oh, come on.

- They don't always cheat. - Yeah, they do.

Until they get what they think they're worth.

Never heard of a supermodel dumping a rockstar.

Stephanie Seymour broke up with Axl Rose!

Now she's with a billionaire, just the way it works.

Whatever...

I'm not gonna be part of that ridiculous pecking order.

I'm better off without her.

I did the right thing.

I just can't believe you let her keep the bracelet.

I made the worst mistake.

I gotta get her back, I gotta get her back!

No way, you did the right thing.

Be strong, hey tell him Clancy!

Yeah, you're a catch.

You've been drinking here six years, you got a heart of gold,

you can hold your sauce. You deserve better Steve.

I know, I know, you're right but, I mean, shit!

I can't stop thinking about her!

Look at the bright side, at least you are single.

Enough about my problems.

And I didn't even ask what you got Alexis for Valentine's Day?

A bathrobe from Victoria's Secret.

That's it? No lingerie?

No, just a big maroon terry cloth bathrobe.

I was gonna get her one of those sexy outfits but,

you walk into that place and everywhere you look in there,

there is life-size posters of half-naked super models.

- So? - So it just kinda ruined it for me.

- What are you talking about? - Listen, I bring home that bra and panties,

I know Alexis isn't gonna look like one of those girls.

- It's just gonna make me wanna fuck her even less. - What'd be the difference?

- You barely even have sex now. - I'd like to keep it that way.

Chloe looked liked one of those girls.

Yeah, not quite! And she's sucking somebody else's cock, Steve.

What's your point?

What if I never do better then her?

What if she was the ultimate? You know, I'm 28 years old.

The rest of my life could all be downhill.

Let me tell you both a thing. Six-hundred years ago

men wanted full-body, pale-ass women.

I mean look at the paintings. They would've thought your Victoria Secret's

were skinny peasants.

- I don't believe that. - Look at the paintings!

- He's got a point Steve-o. - Forget about the paintings!

I gotta get her back.

I'll give her a second chance.

Steven, this is for the best. I've been trying to tell you.

What are you talking about, you haven't been tryin' to tell me anything.

You've slept with someone else.

It's more than that, though, I mean...

- I have feelings for him. - I can't believe this!

How long has this been going on?

About three months.

That's almost the whole quarter!

Steven, you and I, we just, we haven't been evolving...

No, no! Don't turn this around like I'm the one that did something wrong here.

OK? You're the one who's been cheating on someone and I'm the one who's, you know...

I'm willing to forgive you.

Steven...

It's over.

Fuck that cunt!

I can't believe you had another chance to get the bracelet back and you let her keep it!

What am I supposed to do?

Rip it off her fucking wrist Steve, the thing cost two grand.

Jesus Christ, this is killing me.

- Hey, what do you think this guy's like? - Oh, he's probably a Ninja.

What does it matter? Gotta get over it, fast! all right?

- I've been there. - No, no, you don't know what this feels like.

I still love her and I'm never gonna get over this.

Bullshit! You don't love her, you just love how fucking hot she is!

That's not true. We had a bond.

It was love and still love her.

I'd go fuck as many girls as I possibly could until I forgot about the bitch.

That's not gonna work.

Yeah, it will, believe me. You need to go on a run.

No. No, if I can't have Chloe then I gotta get a girl even hotter than Chloe.

At least I was still inside the circle of beautiful people.

Still connected to the scene.

That was something Chloe couldn't take away from me.

Hey, Felix! Thanks for e-mailing me about this party!

Don't thank me!

I didn't find out that you and Chloe broke up until today.

I never would have invited just you!

Thanks anyway.

Stop thanking me! Not for something I never would have done!

Can I buy you that drink?

Um... it's open bar.

I know, I was... just kidding.

Oh!

Um... You should really tip more, when it's open bar.

Come on! I mean there is no way I'm gonna let him just jet me in.

- It's not even tropical there! - He's really like nobody in the industry. Way too cheap.

- You're Erin, right? - Yeah. Hi.

How do I know you?

We met through my ex-girlfriend, Chloe.

We all went to a party together.

Are you still dating that, um...

eh, hockey player?

God no.

He got traded to the worst team in the NHL.

What did you say your name was again?

Steven Goodson.

Are you in the business?

No, I'm an accountant.

Oh! Do you have your own firm?

No, uh... just an accountant.

Come on, Chloe never would have dated "just an accountant".

There's gotta be something special.

Well, maybe I can get you a drink and...

...we'll see if we can figure it out.

Actually I'm waiting for someone.

Leo.

Who is Leo?

How the Hell am I supposed to know that "Leo" is Leonardo Dicaprio?

I'm not on a first-name basis with the guy.

Yeah, but they all are, every fucking one of them.

Toby, Leo, Justin, Ashton.

- Vin, it's all a bunch of shit. - I feel like a chump.

I mean, it's like they're on another planet, I do not speak their language.

God, I'll never find another Chloe.

Hey, good! The very best the least a girl like that would do for you is make you miserable.

Oh, bullshit! The guys that have sex with these girls go through four or five a year,

and they're not heart broken.

Well, yeah! That's because in between they're chilling on some beach in St. Tropez

or, or cutting their next album or buying another company.

You do not even have a car.

Fuck!

I hate this game. I never should've told Alexis's father

- I could shoot in the low 80's. - Think about it.

I mean, I could play the part,

you know, lease the right car, spruce up my wardrobe,

make up somethin', you know, power wraps or something like a game.

It ain't worth it Steve-o...

...you're only gonna get hurt.

No, no, I could do this.

Yeah, I can make this work!

Oh...

Oh, look at that watch!

What's that?

What's that?

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

Yeah, I drive an S600 AMG.

What's that?

Oh yeah, I get these all handmade in Charvet when I'm in Paris.

You like 'em, don't you?

They fit nice. Nice fit!

Yeah, I buy distressed companies, break 'em up, sell 'em up.

Highly lucrative, highly lucrative!

What's that?

Yeah, I'm a producer.

I produce movies.

Packaging a film right now with Leo and Toby, Ben, Vin...

...the guys.

Buildin' a house in Sun Valley.

Home of the stars.

Goldie hangs out there with Kurt.

Goin' to their Christmas party.

Nah, I've got that taken care of... They're registered.

You do look familiar, you do look familiar.

The gym? The gym? No.

Yoga? St. Barths!

St. Barths, I love it there! I summer there.

I was gonna go to Aspen, but Sun Valley is better,

less developed, more intimate.

You know it, you've been there. You wanna go?

Come on my plane, Come on my...!

I got a plane. I got a plane.

Park it up front.

- Name please. - Steven G.

Sorry man, you are not on the list.

I just flew in from Geneva.

The headwinds were brutal, my office must have forgotten to call.

Here. Sorry for the inconvenience.

All right, just go. C'mon.

- You're joking. - Fifteen minutes. Hold on.

Wow! It sounds like you have so much going on.

Yeah, I like to stay busy.

You know, at certain point it's not even about the money anymore,

it's just about building a legacy.

I know what you mean.

Listen, I was invited to this after-party,

and I'd really like to invite you but,

I don't know if it's cool.

It's for Matt and Ben. They're in town.

What's that?

Matt and Ben? It's cool.

We have the same money manager.

Really? Who?

Hyman Roth.

Oh, yeah.

I think I met him at a Maxim party.

I felt like a con but at least I was free from the bounds of the cubical

and back in the land of the Chloes.

Guys were looking at me with envy again.

Women were checking me out like I had something rare to offer.

A peck on the cheek?

Well, she might not have been letting me in-in.

But at least I was in the game.

It was just a matter of time.

It's been a week.

I left three messages and I haven't heard back.

I wanna kill somebody.

- She probably figured out you were lying. - No way.

When she came over for drinks, how'd you explain your one bedroom apartment?

I told them my penthouse-loft was being renovated,

and it was a corporate apartment. And I hate hotels!

- George Clooney probably called her. - What are you talking about?

You're out of your element, she could sense it.

She's just gonna... she's gonna milk you dry!

Hey, I got a little action.

Girls like that are used to get fucked by guys who fuck a lotta super-hot chicks.

OK? They give off a different... pheromone.

Oh, c'mon! That's not true.

They ate pussy like lesbians.

You've been outta the game for 3 years.

- So, what should I do? - Settle yourself down.

Calm your nerves.

Reacquaint yourself...

...with your essence healed.

What, are you Dr. Fucking Phil all the sudden?

I'm trying to tell you somethin' Steve and you're not even listening.

You need to go down under the minors, all right?

You need practice, you need to get your confidence back...

...and maybe you can get another Chloe, without all the bullshit.

- I hated lying. - Uh! Of course you did!

- You don't have it in you! - I know.

I hated pretending I was someone else.

And now you're stuck with an $1,800 a month car lease!

And a $9,000 watch, and all the shit I bought her!

Yeah, that's a hefty tab for a little action and a world class case of blue balls.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna find another Chloe down in Triple-A.

I'd say "Go out and find another model, and try to fuck her!"

but, you know what? You're not ready and neither is your bank account.

So picking up a bunches of 6's and 7's is the answer?

No, of course it isn't!

Fuck 6's and 7's! I'm talking 4's and 5's and, yeah it is.

- So, you're feeling better? - No, not really.

But thanks for gettin' off work early and meeting me anyway.

Nah, no problem. The old man loves me.

Since when?

Why don't you come by tonight? Alexis is goin' out,

I told Rich and Bruce to come by, smoke a lil' herb,

play Vice City on my $17,000 plasma screen!

You know I can't get anywhere near a PlayStation!

When NBA Slam Dunk came out I played like 40 hours straight.

I think I'm just gonna see a movie.

Oh, c'mon! Alone on a Friday night?

- You'll feel like a loser. - Yeah.

That is so wrong, if that's a fuckin' uniform.

Oh, Gee!

It's these magazines are the devil man. Look at those!

- That's why you're so fucked up. - She's still hot.

How much?

- Three for one. - White collar or general population?

No, strictly Clubhouse.

Three years of jail time for one year with Heidi?

Other way around,

one year of jail time for three years with Heidi.

But I'm talking like lap pools and shiatsu,

like total Robert Downey Jr. with DVD's, cell phones.

- What about you? - Nah, forget about it! Jail is jail.

I would however chop off my pinky toe with a meat cleaver.

You're a sick bastard!

Oh what?! You're not twisted, c'mon, you're obsessed.

Hey! How come you got all these smart cool girls that are in college educated and

come from good families and, have straight teeth and, hit the gym.

And you don't give them the time of day, right?

You want some girl with a perfect body,

probably dropped outta high school,

fucked some photographer and then became a model, right?

That's what you want, as an educated man? That's fucked up!

OK! Then what's wrong with me? Why the Hell do I still want that?

Because you've been brainwashed man.

You grew up on Playboy and... now everywhere you look there are models,

and they're selling everything. You know what you wanna buy?

Them.

I'll see you later man.

At least see an action movie!

They were all out of Junior Mints.

So, I got you gummy bears.

I love you!

Destined to be one of the most romantic movies of all time.

- What are you doing here? - I want the bracelet back.

What?

- Why? - Just get it, I'll wait here.

- Steven, it was a gift. - No, no!

'Cause every time you put that bracelet on

that'll be like an announcement to the world that I'm a loser!

Like a big neon sign flashing "Steven is a loser"!

Steven is a loser! Steven is a loser!

- Are you on crack? - Just get the bracelet!

Fine, I'll get you back the bracelet.

Here.

I didn't ask for the blowjob back.

I knew the bikini-wax was for him.

It's bad math to begin with.

What are you talking about?

Chloe, she's too old for you.

She's 18 months younger than me, Jack!

It's not enough.

Half your age plus seven.

That's the winning formula, right?

You're only three years older than Alexis?

Yeah, but her dad's sportin' eight zeros, buddy.

I'm gonna be at least in a new 911 through the company.

Yeah, I just wish I didn't know that she was with someone else already.

Like they say "ignorance is bliss".

That's right! Stupid are the happiest I know.

And people with no ambition too, right? They are the lucky ones.

They're like "I just got a truck, I'm so damn happy!"

That's not what I meant.

Hey, here is to Mick Jagger, it was his birthday yesterday.

So what? He puts on his pants one leg at a time,

and has to shit half an hour after Chinese food just like the rest of us.

- What do you think he wished for? - I haven't got a clue.

Same thing he wishes for every year.

- What's that? - - To be Mick Jagger for another year!

- You guys are both deranged. - Mick's got everything!

He's got it a beautiful wife, beautiful ex-wife, beautiful girlfriends...

He never has to wait in line, never sees a bill,

never opens up a piece of mail. It's all taken care of.

That motherfucker hasn't flown commercial since the 60's!

And you think some model ever dumped Mick Jagger? Hell no!

And all that stuff makes him happy?

- Fuck, yeah! - Absolutely.

You both still have a lot to learn. It's not about all that bullshit.

If he can still look at himself without just seeing good hair and big lips,

but a man he respects, then fine.

But if not... fans worshipping him ain't gonna make him whole.

At the end of the day it's about having one true friend at your funeral.

What the hell are you talking about? He's got Keith!

I just hope... I mean, I fucking pray...

...that everyone gets to be a rockstar in just one of their lives.

Here's to reincarnation.

Hi! Thank you so much for coming.

I'm so glad to see you guys. I will be right back.

- OK. - All right?

You made it. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Jack?

Did you give your little brothers alcohol?

Just a lil' vodka, sweetheart.

Jack, they're 10!

It'll put hair in their chest.

- Come on Jack, it's time to mingle. - Sure, sweetie.

Fellas? Help me out.

Boys.

Can't believe this is actually happening.

Hell's gettin' mighty chilly right now.

- Hi! - Hey! Hi, how're you doing?

Hurry up, my father wants make a toast!

- Hi! - Whoa, whoa!

What is she doing here? Steven's coming.

I have no idea.

Hopefully he won't show.

- Hello. - Glad you could make it, Ross!

You know, I don't know if you two have met my daughter and her fiancé.

It's a pleasure. Your father never stops talking about you.

You're a lucky man.

This is my girlfriend, Chloe.

Yeah, I know Chloe.

Congratulations, Jack.

Hey, I think it's time for a toast.

Could I have your attention, please?

Everyone.

First, we would like to thank you all for sharing this evening with us.

And I'd like to wish my lovely daughter

and my soon to be son-in-law

a long beautiful life together, with many children!

I can't believe you didn't warn me!

How am I supposed to know her new boyfriend is one of his clients?

- I'm as surprised as you are. - Yeah, I doubt that!

I mean, Jesus Christ! I look like on asshole!

- I gotta get outta here. - Would you just relax?

Look, the best thing you could do right now

is find a chick and take her home.

You know what? That guy is over 2 inches taller than me!

Listen, he... he's... he's an upgrade...

- What are you talking about? - I'm not the shit on your funeral

but it's a classic upgrade scenario!

Ross is a little older. He's a little... taller.

He's slightly... better looking,

and if he's one of the old prick's clients, he's definitely got a lot more cash!

I'm never gettin' over this.

Man, fuck Chloe! She upgraded on you, he's gonna upgrade on her!

It's upgrade Karma!

All right, five years from now,

when that motherfucker has even more cash, she's not gonna know what hit her!

He's gonna have a 19 year old farm girl,

straight off the bus and she's gonna be out on her ass!

And we'll see her with her tits drooping, her ass sagging,

mumbling to herself outside a Bloomingdale's!

You know, I can't wait until then, I gotta do something now!

Then turn it up a notch, ok? Go on a run...

...like in college. Spring Break?

You'd fuck as many girls as possible in a week.

No, I never went on a run.

You were with me sophomore year.

We went to South Padre.

You were ballistic! Three girls that week.

No, when I was in sophomore year I had mono.

All right, senior year. Cancun, eight girls six nights. Remember that?

No, I went skiing with my parents.

Well, then I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't point out the obvious.

You, eh...

You've gotten very little pussy.

Jack, what if Chloe was the one?

Oh, there is no "the one"!

That's the biggest crock of bullshit going.

It's worse than the Bible!

- You are just too fucked up to see it right now. - OK, fine.

But you gotta do it with me.

Steven, I'm engaged. We are having my $ 300,000 engagement party!

Well, I'm not gonna do it without you!

Is she still out there?

See, look at that!

Do you see that?

Everyone is looking at him like he's the man.

You know, I was the man! For three years I was the man!

That fucking bitch!

Just forget about it, all right? Go on a run.

I'm drownin'.

Oh, my God!

He doesn't love you like I love you, Chloe.

Nobody can...

...and nobody ever will.

Steven, I'm sorry.

I love you too.

You're right, he is a fucking pussy!

- Yeah! - Chloe, what are you doing?

Hey, Steve? Hey?

Hello?

I gotta do something.

...some time off.

London?

Steven what are you doing?

Steven, what's wrong with you?

I'm sorry I was such a downer.

Don't worry man. We've all been there.

I'm sorry about this thing with Chloe.

I hope you are all right.

Look at him, sweetheart, he's not all right.

Well, you're a good guy, Steven, you deserve more.

I'm sure you'll start feeling better in the morning. You ready to go?

Is it OK if I take Steve-o for a drink?

You've been drinking all night.

Well, he's not ready to be alone, sweetheart.

I'll just take him for another cup of coffee.

You are not gonna take me home on the night of our engagement party?

- Jack, it's all right. - No, it's not all right.

I'm not gonna leave you like this.

C'mon, sweetheart! We'll go grab a quick drink

and I'll be home soon and, we'll snuggle.

- Fine, just not too late. - You're the best.

Thanks.

College girls are the definition of the minor league.

And you are so sure I'm gonna hook up with one tonight without lying my ass off?

These girls I've been programmed since grade school

that this is the time of their life they are supposed to do all of their fucking.

Mix that with two for one Kamikaze, it's looking pretty good.

All right.

All right, what about that one?

Her neck's too long.

OK, how about eh... how about her?

His eyebrows are... a little off.

How about that chick?

She's got bulky calves!

Are you kidding? Would you stop?!

How about one of them?

I don't know.

You know, I don't even know what to say.

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Whatever comes out of your mouth,

you gotta be saying to yourself "I'm gonna fuck this girl, I am gonna fuck this girl"!

They pick up on it, they feel the vibe.

- And that's it. - Yeah, but you gotta believe in it.

Fine.

All right, I'm going in.

I'm gonna fuck this girl. I'm gonna fuck this girl.

I'm gonna fuck this girl.

I'm gonna fuck this girl.

It was so romantic.

I just... wanted to kiss him.

- This guy's dressed like my stepfather. - Ugh!

- Hey! - Hi.

So... where are you... where are you from?

- Kansas City. - Really?

Not moving...

How, how long have you lived here?

Can you believe how many guys hit on her?

I'm telling you, it's a boob-job...

- Two years, I'm a sophomore. - Oh, that's great.

Uh, so, so... how old are you?

"Where are you from"? "How long have you been here"?

"How old are you"? "Do you wanna have sex"?

That's what everyone says.

What should I say? I'm just trying to get to know you.

It's getting worse.

You want me to tell you what to say, to pick me up?

You need new lyrics, Chachi.

Kinda harsh?

And you're still standing here.

Go home bubba.

Fuck off!

Bye!

Way to go!

Anyways, he had this great car with like 20" rims...

Hey, how did it go?

They all have boyfriends.

Fuck 'em! Just keep at it.

Half of these girls are from D.C. anyway.

How do you know they're all from D.C.?

Because half of these girls are dumb cunts.

Steve-o, this is Amy, she'd like to show me her dorm room.

- How sexy is that? - Nice to meet you.

I'm from Omaha.

Jack, I'm just gonna get outta here. I'm over it.

I feel like you could dunk my head in a barrel of tits

and I'd come out suckin' my thumb.

Hey! Excuse me, can we get another round.

I'm not a waitress.

I'm a bar back.

Wow, how about her? She's got a low self-esteem.

She's also got a big ass.

Even better, the others are too hot.

That's real cruel.

I can only imagine what you're gonna say about me.

Oh baby, you got a great ass!

I just hope I'd get the opportunity to see you naked.

Well, you better get me another drink.

I'll get it, then I'm outta here.

Aren't you a lil' overdressed for hanging out in a divey college bar?

We just came from his engagement party.

Oh, that's a real stand up move.

What are you gonna do after the wedding, go to a strip club?

It's a possibility.

So are you as big an asshole as your friend?

No, you don't understand, I'm heartbroken. I'm miserable.

So you decided to hit on stupid college girls to repair your wounded ego.

Yeah, but it's kinda backfired.

Oh well, don't worry...

...night's still young,

and girls are only getting drunker,

and dumber.

Look at that one.

Not bad.

Go for it, you even have an in.

You can light her cigarette.

Got any matches?

Happy hunting.

I'm gonna fuck this girl. I'm gonna fuck this girl.

I'm gonna fuck this girl.

- Not yet. Not yet. - OK.

Fuck me... hard. Harder!

Not yet. Not yet!

Not yet! Not yet!

Now!

I didn't know I was gonna do this tonight,

If I did I would've taken a shower.

For me?

I mean that was really... phenomenal.

You know, you could stay if you want.

Oh Gee, thanks. You're real sport.

I didn't mean it like that. I meant...

I'm comfortable with it if you wanna stay.

Oh, that's sweet, really!

But I always find that whenever I do this and stay over

I never get a good night sleep.

It's nothing personal.

Nah, that's cool.

So, you do this a lot?

If I wanna do it I do it and I don't waste time feeling guilty about it.

Besides... after that wobbly redhead's puke hit your shoes,

I knew you were an easy target. And a cute one.

Really? That had nothing to do with my smooth line about the navel ring?

Oh, real smooth.

All right...

Let me clue you in on a little something.

Most of the time...

...when you think you've picked up a girl,

she's really picked you up.

It's got nothing to do with what you tell them

or what bullshit wrap you throw down.

She's, you know, just got an itch.

She needs it to be scratched.

God, it took me three months to sleep with Chloe.

Not every chick's a model bitch and uses her pussy as a commodity.

Some of us... just like to fuck.

I love you so much.

They're fitting me for Vera Wang on Monday.

I want you inside me.

Fuck! That fucking bitch!

I can't believe she's still under my skin.

Hey, did Alexis know what time you came in?

She was on the couch, fucking waitin' for me,

watching Rainman.

- How pissed was she? - Fuming.

Told her I'd go shopping with her mom.

Hey, fuck all that melodrama. Tell me, uh..

Tell me how it felt to get some of the strange?

You know, I realize it was the first time I had sex that wasn't anything else but sex.

And there was no romance, I wasn't dating her, she wasn't a girlfriend.

It's wild!

She was a sexual athlete.

See that? And she wasn't even hot!

Yeah, I know. That's the problem.

As soon as she left all I could think about was Chloe.

Yeah, but don't worry about it. This is what you need.

See, every girl you fuck puts more distance between you and Chloe.

The more you fuck, the more easier it'll be to forget.

Ten or fifteen girls later and you'll be "Oh, I feel like a new man!"

- I don't know. - Trust me.

Until then you're on sexual probation.

Now. Ah... give me the details.

What was her pussy like?

Making a coffee run, you want some?

- Yes, sure, decaffeinated. Make sure it's decaf. - No problem.

What about this one?

Wow, you look beautiful!

That one's great too, sweetheart.

Well, this one is to wear to the brunch the day after the wedding

and the last one was to wear to the cocktail party

before the rehearsal dinner.

I know. I think they're both great, really.

Well, thank you.

Oh and the wedding invitations.

We need to make a decision really soon,

because they have to go out in less than two weeks.

Yeah, I'm on it, sweetheart.

I sent the samples of the ones you liked to the house,

and I've already spoken with the wedding planner.

- Hello. - - It's me, I gotta talk to you.

We gotta go out tonight. You gotta meet me at Clancy's.

I'm freaking out over here!

Well, it is four o'clock, Alexis is still buying clothes.

I don't think I can do this shit again.

Well, it doesn't have to be a late at night!

I don't think I can get away with it.

- Just.. try to, OK? - I make no promises.

So, where is your partner in crime?

He was supposed to be here half an hour ago.

I don't know. He's been shopping with Alexis something. He couldn't get away.

Anyway, that's life. My lady...

She'd freak if she knew I was sitting in a bar right now.

Who would've thought the smell of beer and cigarettes on your clothes

five nights a week, might have given it away by now?

She knows that he's out, just not at this place.

Yeah, she thinks I'm at a business dinner.

You're a friggin' manager at Kinko's! Who you out to dinner with?

No, no, no... I got lucky. She doesn't grill me.

Steve-o, don't listen to anything these retards are telling you.

Clancy give me the usual, this round's on me.

I'm another day closer to being obscenely wealthy.

So, what do you think? You're ready to go get some pussy?

- Jack, you just got engaged! - Oh, grow up, rookie!

Ah, look at those beauties!

They're all right.

Are you crazy? They are perfect, man! Those tits are less than a year old.

- Hey, I can't stay out all night. - Of course you can.

Why do you allow her to keep you on such a short leash.

Do you realize how much money she has?

Do you realize how much money I'm gonna have the second I say "I do"?

- Yeah, golden bars. - Platinum! Platinum!

C'mon, grab a chick, get a lap dance, and see if you can pull her outta here. Let's go!

- You ready for a dance? - Yeah, sure.

Good. I'm gonna wait for the next song.

So ah... my friend and I were thinking that you and one of your friends

should come back to my place later and get a drink or something?

Yeah, like that might happen.

What?

Oh, c'mon! What's it take to pull one of you guys outta here?

If you have to ask, baby-doll, you can't afford it.

Oh yeah, I like this one.

Dawn. Sinfully naughty.

I've had an eye on her for a couple of days.

Look, "I specialize in top class adult entertainment

in your home or hotel room."

Very athletic, very outgoing, open-minded,

charming and need I say super friendly.

Generous VIP's only because I'm worth it!

Sounds accommodating.

I can't believe how many hot girls are out here!

- Pick one! Which one you want? - Whoa! Hold on, hold on! Right there.

- Bridget. - Oh, God! So fu...

Former Penthouse Pet! I am university-educated,

articulate, elegant, sophisticated, and unpretentious.

I cater exclusively to distinguished gentlemen

who yearn for only the best and appreciate the finer things in life.

That's what I'm talking about! Make the call.

I'm all about the finer things.

Ah, I can't believe that I'm doing this! Mistake.

Yahaa!

It's been an hour, man! Where the fuck are these bitches?

Just hang out. I'll call some other ones.

No, fuck it! I'm tired.

I'll call you in the morning...

Good evening gentlemen.

- What the Hell's goin' on? - I...

Hey! Is there a problem?

Yeah...

You!

Where's the girl on the picture?

Fine, you want us to leave?

No, no, no! Let me talk to you for a second.

I'm not gonna hook up with that one pig.

I'm gonna pay for both, OK?

It's just that I'm outta time, so I'm gonna go home.

You gonna go home?! You gonna leave me here, now?!

Give me the play-by-play tomorrow, OK? Good luck.

Hi, come on in. Sorry... about that.

So, what do I owe you, guys? $400... each?

Plus tip.

OK, plus tip. Great!

I should get a fuckin' rebate for you.

You should be handing out coupons.

Ladies.

- Hey! - Hi.

- How are you doing? - I'm a little tired.

Good, you wanna back it up?

Rim-job, tea-bag... What do you want guy?

Let's do it!

She didn't wake up until 10:30.

And then she showered.

Are you kidding me? You pay her to leave.

Didn't she read her hooker handbook?

I cut you boys some fresh melon balls.

I'm exhausted.

You should've gotten a little morning pick-me-up.

How is that a morning?

And believe me, she didn't look the same.

Chloe looked like an angel in the morning.

Well, you can't get girls like Chloe on the Internet,

so get that shit outta your head. You should feel good.

Steven if you really wanna get over Chloe you should get out there and start dating again?

I have this friend Felicia, she's pretty,

she's got a great job, she's got a great sense of humor.

We should get together and have dinner this week.

What's she really like?

She's perfect! She's a dirty little naughty hoe,

and I'm pretty sure Alexis's father banged her

a few summers ago, when she interned for us.

Nice!

Here is that escrow report.

Steven!

What the fuck?

What?

I'm still waiting for the Schneider report.

- Is it finished? - Um... not yet.

I've just been a little distracted.

Pull your head outta your ass! OK?

If you're dealing with some personal issue, deal with it on your own personal time!

All right. Thank you for the support.

Hey, if you want support go to an AA meeting!

I got a department to run.

What's this?

This memo is a week old.

Clean up this shit-hole!

...and the flowers? I can't even believe it!

My father is having thousands of white orchids

flown in from Hawaii on a special climate-controlled plane!

It's gonna be the most beautiful wedding ever!

God! I'm sure it will be in Town and Country.

Oh, and honey, I feel so horrible I missed your engagement party.

I heard it was wonderful, I just couldn't reschedule my meeting in Brussels.

Sounds like you are having a very interesting job.

Felicia is the youngest corporate manager at her firm.

And I'm sure by far the hottest!

You know? That's a little sexist...

But at the same time, I'm a little bit flattered.

Ha.

Excuse me.

"And by far the hottest?"

What kind of line is that?

- Steven? - Yeah.

- Oh, my God! - Amelia?

I wa... We wa...

...haven't seen each other since...

...high school?

Wow.

Epic!

What are you doing these days?

I was in Costa Rica for four years teaching English.

And now I'm teaching second grade.

How have you been?

Great! Great!

I'm an accountant, so that's um...

You know, whatever... but um...

Other than that I'm good. I'm really good.

Well, that's great.

Wow, it's really nice seeing you.

You really... You look... You look great.

Um... Well...

Yeah, uh...

...just be slow with him, he's still fragile.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey, buddy!

- You ready for another drink? - Yeah.

I have to go to the ladies room.

- Would you like to come with me? - Absolutely.

Jack.

See that girl over there?

- What? The one with the joker? - Yeah.

I went to high school with her.

Oh, yeah? Did you bang her?

No.

But I always wanted to.

Why? She's not that hot.

Yeah, but she was cool. You know? She was always cool.

You don't know that. There's no way.

I went to high school with her. Am I not speaking English?

You can't know what you really think about a girl until you fuck her.

'Cause until you fuck her, how you feel about her and everything,

it's all clouded by wanting to fuck.

He's right.

So. Think he's got a big dick?

I have no idea.

Oh, c'mon! Like you've never accidentally,

like, rubbed up against him to check it out...

No! He's Jack's best friend.

- So what? Aren't you curious? - No.

Well...

...I'll let you know.

Wait! Wait!

OK, um... I don't wanna lead you on.

It's all right.

Would you stop it, please!

Seriously, um... I mean I don't do that on a first date.

OK? Like, no intercourse.

All right.

You want another drink?

No, no! I mean, we can still fool around.

I'll give you head.

But only if you go down on me too.

Uh, that... that sounds fair.

And with that, the floodgates were open!

Every night I was out on a hunt, looking for the kill.

For every one girl that rejected me, I took down five.

- It's over! - You need to go down under the minors.

And for every girl I took down,

You need practice, you need to get your confidence back...

I wanted ten more!

And maybe you can get another

Chloe without all the bullshit.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet!

"I'm gonna fuck this girl, I am gonna fuck this girl"!

That's right baby!

My life was one hot wet porn and I was the star!

Ron Jeremy had nothing on me!

Except maybe, three inches.

And in this haze of decadence I found clarity.

No more worrying about the jumbo mortgage, the right wash on my denim.

No more guppy-wet dreams of perfect credit and financial freedom.

I was living for today...

...embracing life's basic needs.

Food, shelter, chasing ass...

...and chasing more ass!

Steven. What the hell is going on?

You've been wearing this suit for two weeks.

And I thought I told you a hundred times, to clean up this mess and get organized!

I'm running out of patience with you!

And I know that's not e-mail,

it's porn!

Fuck you.

What did you just say?

I said, "fuck you",

you insensitive, cock-sucking,

asshole!

You can't talk to me like that!

Do you know there's a recession going on?

You know what that does to the job market?

Fuck the job market! And fuck this job! It's a slow death!

You think I want to end up like you, you rat race fuck?

Work, spend, acquire, consume, get fat then fucking die!

Well, suck my motherfucking balls!

- Don't think you could come back here. - Fuck you!

Get out of here!

And you fucked a whore in Vegas!

- Get outta here! - I bought her for you!

- What fucking hypocrite are you! - Yes, you! Out! Get outta here!

- And she was fucking ugly with a beard! - I'm so sick of that!

Call security!

What are you laughing? Is there something funny?

You Ginger... are hot!

Thanks Steven.

Want another?

How about... we leave here?

And we go somewhere...

...a lil' more uh...

You wanna go in the champagne room?

No, like... I mean...

I mean, like in private-private, you know?

Like uh.. like, back to my apartment.

That kind of private-private is expensive-expensive. Get what I'm sayin'?

Yeah, but I already charged up like $ 1,400 on you.

Well, what you spend in here has nothing to do with what you spend out there.

And... I don't take credit cards.

Well, how... how much more do you want?

Well, I don't think I could leave the club for less than a 1,000.

Wha..? I.. I can't even get that outta the ATM now!

Sorry, Stevie...

Why don't come back when you decide to crack open your piggy bank.

Wait, wait, wait..

I don't want to be alone.

You uh... want another dance?

No.

I want more.

Bye.

- Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

Thank you for helping me out with this stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry Mr. Goodson, but this credit card was denied.

Oh!

That's cool, I'll just pay cash.

Are you kidding me? It's like $19.

Yeah, but I... use my credit card a lot lately so,

they probably just didn't get the payment.

Here you go. Thanks.

You gotta take it easy at those clubs, man.

- I'm a little afraid. - What are you gonna do tomorrow?

I'm gonna meet Alexis,

help her pick up some expensive-ass shit and we are gonna register for it.

I'll call you after.

All right man, thanks for inviting me.

I'll see ya.

Jack was right. It was time for me to pull myself back together.

People dig themselves out of ruts every day.

How hard could it be?

Stick your fingers in her pussy and let me lick it!

Oh, Stevie... you are so dirty!

That's right, baby. But not as dirty as my money.

So we are on for tonight again?

- A 1,000 bucks each? - Oh, yeah.

But tonight... I'm gonna get your ass!

Who's that sexy thing over there?

It's some new girl. Thinks her shit doesn't stink.

Well, bring her over here! Go get her!

We're not enough for you?

Baby, there is not enough in this whole fucking place for me!

Go, go, go and get the bitch over here! Go on!

Thanks guys. Did you like the dance?

Excuse me. I got a request for you over there.

Stevie, this is Sage.

Nice to meet you Sage.

- I don't drink champagne. - Tonight you do!

I don't wanna hear the words

"don't", "won't" or "can't"!

You know what I'm sayin'?

You look familiar, where are you from?

Kansas City. But maybe you've seen me dance somewhere else?

I don't think so.

- How long you've lived here? - Two years.

I go to college in the city.

Wait a minute.

We have met before.

Yeah, I tried talking to you at this little shit-hole bar down at third street.

Fuck off!

You were a total fucking byotch!

I'm sorry?

I don't remember.

No, I'm sure you don't.

That's probably how you behave once the guy's payin' you.

- Fuck off, I don't need this shit! - Hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I wanna take you home tonight. How much?

- Uh-uh, what about us? - C'mon.

Oh, shit!

Who the fuck do you think you are?

I wouldn't touch your dick if you were the last guy on this earth.

This asshole is all yours.

$5,000.

Wow, that was really something.

Good.

So, now I gotta get some sleep.

You want me to leave?

Yeah, that's what I'm paying you for.

It's after four. I can't crash here for a couple of hours?

I just paid you five grand. Get a suite at the Ritz!

You really do have a problem.

Maybe next week you can get to stay the night,

but then you'll only get two grand.

I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

Whatever.

Every girl's got a bid.

Let me tell you something.

That five grand is gonna pay for my tuition next semester.

Oh...

I hope you are a lot better at school.

Five hundred bucks?! The thing's worth nine grand!

In this city this is worth 500 bucks. Take it or leave it.

Steve-o.

How long you've been here?

About an hour.

Make it three and it ain't pretty.

What the hell do you do all day?

I was up all night destroying this slam piece.

I slept 'til noon, went to the gym for a couple of hours,

got horny again, and rode up a ménage.

- Technically, it was a foursome. - Jesus, man!

- I'm worried about you. - Why? I never felt better.

I mean, feel this shit! It's a fucking pipe-iron?

But you are burning through all your cash!

So? It's not like I'm saving for a beach house.

- I feel liberated. - You're too consumed by all of this.

Run's end Steve. It's not a way of life!

It's been three months, you fucked well over 15 girls.

- End it! - Hey, fuck that!

Everything you've ever done is to get laid or make money.

So don't tell me it's all a waste.

I'm telling you, you're a fucking mess!

I mean, what the fuck? Look at you!

You quit your job. Changed your whole fucking life, and for what?

Oh, because "you lost Chloe". Fuck that! Who the fuck is she?

- Who the fuck is she? - Yeah!

- Who the fuck is she? - Yeah, who the fuck is she!

She was everything, man. She was my whole fucking identity!

When it was Steven and Chloe, it was perfection!

Now that it's just Steven, it sucks!

I'm not taking any of the responsibility...

Just relax, both of you!

I mean, do you have any idea what that feels like?

When a girl that beautiful tells you she loves you,

it's not like a normal girl saying she loves you.

Accountants don't get girls like that, Jack. But I had her!

And for whatever reason she was completely into me.

For three years.

- Steven, I'm sorry. - Are you gonna shut up and have a drink or what?

We gotta get our buzz on if we were to do some serious hunting. Clancy get him a double.

Steven, slow down. Why don't you take a night off?

Hey, fuck that! Bring me a double too.

Maybe it'll calm him down.

No, pussy will calm me down!

And speaking of pussy, Jack. Stop being one!

Steven!

- Hey! - Amelia.

Uh... hey! How are you doin'?

I'm great! I'm great.

I'm actually, I'm waiting for a friend who's always late.

Do you wanna come and join me?

Um...

Uh... yeah, yeah. Sure.

I'll have a Scotch on the rocks, a Chardonnay. I have a tab, Steven Goodson.

Thanks.

- My God, you look great! - I quit my job,

been working out.

Wow, good for you!

You know, in high school I always wanted to ask you out but never have had the balls.

Really?

- Wow! I had no idea. - Yeah...

So, does that mean you still want to take me out or has that expired.

I would love to take you out.

I'll take you out tomorrow.

I can't tomorrow.

I'm going away this weekend.

- Next week? - Next week's fine.

I'm so sorry. It took me forever to get out of the office.

That's OK. Renée, this is Steven, um... we went to high school together.

Oh, how sweet! Nice to meet you.

Well, Listen, I'm gonna get back to my friends.

Uh... very nice to meet you.

And um...

I... I need your number!

All right, great! All right. I'll talk to you soon.

Here, honey. Take a look at these. These are the best ones.

Uh... I like the one on the ocean.

You don't think that's too big for a summer house?

No, sweetie, I think it's perfect.

You always pick the most expensive.

Well, that's 'cause they're the best ones.

I don't think it's safe for the kids to be so close to the water.

Well, let's worry about that when we have some.

I have a surprise for you.

You do?

I do.

It's our wedding invitation!

Wow, you scared me!

- Oh, aren't they beautiful? - Yeah.

I spoke to the calligrapher, they'll all go out on Monday.

- This Monday? - Mh-hm.

Let's go to bed.

For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about her.

She made me feel different, she was somebody real.

I decided I'd put the run on hold

and take her out without trying to take advantage of her.

I wanted to be respectful. I could be a gentleman.

What did you order? That drink was great.

Ah... that was a "Mind Eraser". It's a specialty of the house.

I think it's working. I never drink this much.

You know? I think it takes a lot of courage, just,

to quit your job without even knowing what your next step is gonna be.

I really admire that.

And, you know? I think you should take as much time as you need to,

you know, figure out what it is that you're truly passionate about.

That's my plan.

Let me get you another.

You know? I'm really glad that after all these years you still wanted to ask me out.

'Cause I kind of feel... connected to you.

Tonight has been... really fantastic.

Thanks.

I don't go out much.

So, this was... fun for me.

- And, um... this is me. - This is you.

God, I can't believe how late it got.

I have to be up in, like, four hours.

Well, we should do this again.

Yeah, but...

I mean, do you wanna come up?

Not really gonna get enough sleep anyway.

Um...

Yeah, sure. I'll come up.

Ah, Steven, like that.

- Steven, wait. Stop! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

Just slow down.

Might sound kinda lame, but I'm not like that.

I know, I know that! OK? I know that.

I'm sorry. I gotta go.

- Well, it is late but... - I know it's late.

I want you to call me. OK, seriously?

OK. Yes, I'll call you.

- OK, call me? - Yeah, thank you.

Goodbye.

Well, I guess I couldn't be normal.

But who wants to be normal anyway? It's just another word for "weak".

I'm a fucking "Sexinator".

Are you having fun?

The good thing about being a non-stop sex-machine

with a demon at the wheel, is that when people see you coming,

no one stops you for directions.

Amelia was a distant memory.

And my life was just committed to fucking young, hot chicks!

Hey, there's somebody at the door.

What?

There's somebody at the door.

- Hey, open the fucking door, Steve! - Open up!

C'mon Steve! Quit fucking around and open the door.

Whoa!

What are you guys doing here?

We were worried about you.

Haven't heard from you in weeks. You don't have a phone.

Look at this place, it's a fucking shit-hole.

Oh, um...

Guys, this is uh...

Erika.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, thanks!

I was just leaving.

Bye, bye.

- What the fuck is going on? - What?

What do you mean "what"? You... you live in a shit-hole.

You haven't been to work in four months. You got no money.

You're like this close to being homeless.

Jack...

I get pussy every night.

All right, you know what? That's enough.

This is a... This is an intervention.

You need fucking therapy! Shock-treatment!

You're like an addict.

Steven, what are you doing with your life?

I'm thinking about taking a job in landscaping...

Get to work outdoors, be physical.

Physical? You went to college, for Christ's sake! You majored in accounting.

Jack, my rent's 300 bucks a month.

It's gonna make enough money to keep doing what I'm doing.

And then what?

There's no "And then what?", that's it!

What...

What the hell are you talking about? That sucks!

Jack, I'll make enough cash to go out every night,

hit a strip-club once a week,

buy enough champagne and lap dances

to pull the girl outta there.

- That's your big plan? - Hey, fuck big plans!

All right? What's your big fucking plan, huh Jack?

Marry some girl for her money, be a slave to her old man,

and then live ass-lickingly ever after.

Yo, fuck you man!

You are full of shit, you know? All you do is fucking talk!

It's not about me, you tormented sociopath!

Yes, it is!

Whatever warped fucking scumbag have I been listening to this whole time, huh?

Remember that model bitch that never called me back? I wasn't out of my element!

She probably lost her fucking cell-phone or moved to Milan, or some shit!

And all those legendary runs you were going on, Jack! Where was I for all those, huh?

You probably go home every night with your dick in your hands

and jerk-off next to your ice-princess thinking of all the girls I fuck!

You know, blame me, if you want. I said "go on a run".

I didn't say "fuck up the rest of your life".

Did you call that girl you went to high school with?

- The teacher. - No, I've been busy!

Fuck that! We're calling her. What's her number? Right now!

Jack, she doesn't want to talk to me. There is no need of it.

Quiet! Listen to me, both of you!

Sit down!

You know, back when I was your age, even younger,

I had my head shoved up my ass, just like the both of you.

I was doing things I shouldn't do,

hanging out with people you don't wanna know.

I was chasing my share of tail.

Believe me, I was feeling pretty good about my manhood.

And then...

I met this nice girl, real smart...

Got a degree in this, got a degree in that.

And I liked this girl right off the bat!

But I'm thinking to myself...

She's not gonna wanna have anything to do with me!

So I didn't call.

Two years pass by and I see her in the park with another guy.

My heart, it breaks right there. I'm a mess. I mean, you know? For Christ' sakes!

Why didn't I call her? What was I so afraid of?

So another year passes.

But I've cleaned up my act. I opened a bar,

I made myself respectable...

And then, one day...

...she comes in.

And then I knew.

It was gonna happen for us.

And that was... Jennine?

No.

That was Jennine's little sister Mara.

But that's how I met Jennine.

That was a great story.

But I... I don't really see the point.

You friggin' call her!

I'm not gonna call her. She doesn't wanna hear from me.

- Yes, she does! - Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm calling her right now.

Hang on!

Hello? Hi.

Amelia?

Um...

...it's Steven.

Yeah.

Good.

How are you?

Yeah, I know um...

I was gonna call you sooner but uh...

The prince and his men followed the fairy princess through the dark forest.

Only a kiss from the good prince could break the spell

and wake her from her deep slumber.

When the Prince kissed her rosy cheek...

...the spell was finally broken!

And the Prince and Sleeping Beauty were together at last.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Hey! Prince Charming.

Did your mom say she was gonna be running late?

No.

I'm gonna go give her a call. OK?

Well, you stay here with my friend Steven for a minute, is that OK?

Ya.

- So, what's your name? - Derek.

Well, you did a... a great job tonight, Derek.

Yeah, whatever...

But my motherfucking friends

been all up in my face and shit for having have kissed a skinny-ass bitch!

Hey, hey!

- You shouldn't talk like that. - Why the fuck not?

Because it's not good for you.

Yeah, whatever.

You like teach, huh?

Yeah... Yeah, I like teach.

Why? Don't you like her too?

But I ain't the one tappin' that ass.

Hey, how old are you?

Do you even know what that means?

I'm eight and a half, motherfucker!

What the fuck do you think!

OK! I talked to your brother, he's gonna be here in a half hour.

All right.

Thanks for being such a sport tonight.

By the boy's face, he thought it was this Friday.

Don't worry about it. I had fun.

You know, I can tell the kids really like you. You're great with them.

I love working with the kids.

I really feel like I can make a difference.

How about you?

Do you want kids some day?

I mean, I guess I'd be ready...

If I met someone I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with.

Uh... you know, I wasn't sure if I should call you,

Um...

...after I left your place that night.

But um...

I'm really happy I did.

I've been... avoiding people lately.

Just, uh... my own head trying to escape.

Yeah, it's scary to feel all alone in the world.

Yeah.

It's been a way of not dealing...

I'm tired of being like that.

Well, you don't have to be alone Steven.

I don't wanna be alone.

Hey! Jack.

Get up! We're gonna be late.

You know? I see your father all day every day.

I'd like to not to have to see him on a Saturday.

Well, I promised that we'd have brunch with them.

You have to be respectful of my family.

You know my father doesn't like to be... disappointed.

So, uh... get up!

I can't.

Well, that's too bad, 'cause they're expecting us.

That's not what I'm talking about. I...

I gave Steven all this advice and he... and he turned into a monster.

And now I can't look at myself without seeing a monster too.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm obsessed with money.

I'm sick. And you're my meal-ticket and that disgusts me.

Jack.

I love you.

And you know that we could have a wonderful life together.

So, be careful.

Being careful makes me miserable.

Steven! Break time.

How's your girl?

She's good.

- Real good. - That's good.

- Hello, may I help you? - Yes, um...

We have a reservation under Goodson.

All right.

Oh... I don't see anything here.

Oh! Here you are.

Right this way.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you!

Oh, my God! They're beautiful.

I love them.

Well, I got something for you too.

I honestly wasn't expecting that.

I made it.

That's our first picture that we took together.

And then I figure we can fill it with more as we go along.

This is great!

And I have another surprise for you too.

You've been so patient,

so wonderful...

I'm ready.

You could say something. I thought you'd be...

...happy.

I'm happy.

Of course, I'm happy.

Well, I just feel really comfortable with you.

Are you all right?

I'm great.

Well, you have a really weird look on your face.

What are you thinking?

Steven, are you even listening to me?

Uh... I'll be right back.

Excuse me. Um...

We've met before, at my apartment. Off the Internet?

- Yeah? - I have $200.

I need you right now.

I'm $400 an hour.

And the guy I'm with has me for the whole night.

Well, I only have 200.

But I only need five minutes.

Just let me fuck you, all right? C'mon, we can do it in the bathroom.

Five minutes, whether you cum or not.

OK.

Are you sure you're all right?

I feel like you've been gone forever.

- I'm fine. - Yeah.

- What is it, your stomach? - No.

Don't worry about it.

Well, then let's get outta here.

Let's go back and... get busy.

Uh... wait one second!

Uh...

Um..

There is a...

- I have to tell you something. - What?

Um...

I don't even know where to begin.

Well, whatever it's, I mean, you could just say it.

I have a problem.

OK, wow... You're starting to scare me, Steven.

OK. Well, I mean... It can't be that big of a deal?

All I think about...

...is sleeping with other women.

Even when I'm with you.

What? What are you saying?

I have sex with at least five girls a week.

That's insane.

I'm... that's... What, do you need help, or you wanna talk to somebody, or...

No! You don't get it!

I just fucked a hooker in the bathroom for $200.

What?

Here.

Here tonight?

I'm sorry.

I just...

I just can't be with you anymore.

You know you gotta hold this for me, right? It's part of the job description.

Let's see it.

With this ring I thee wed.

With this ring you are dead.

Hey, with this ring I'm a very rich man.

All right? Shut up the fuck up and be happy for me once.

Why? I didn't think being happy was part of your big plan...

- Well, at least pretend. - Well, I guess I'm just not as good at that as you are.

You are hopeless!

You know? What, Steve? I'm supposed to be all sad

and regretful that I'm selling out. Is that it? Yeah?

Hey! I'm a big fucking sell out!

I admitted it.

In the house of God, I admitted it.

And I haven't been struck down...

I... I haven't been cursed. 'Cause no one cares, Steve!

No one cares that I can't stand her, that I never wanna have sex with her,

and that the sound of her voice makes my balls tight!

All of the joy her father brings me treating me like a... like a failure.

And her mother is the most neurotic lunatic of them all.

Jack, we are about to begin! Let's go!

OK, thanks. I'll be there in a sec.

Fuck you and all your bullshit advice!

And fuck me for listening to it!

I mean, do you have any idea what I've become? I make myself sick now!

Amelia was the best thing that ever happened to me

and I couldn't help myself from ruining it!

And, and... and now there's... there's this thing that just

keeps eating away at me and I can't take it anymore!

And, you know what? I'm gonna do something about it!

Oh, good! I'm gonna go to Tahiti.

on a $90,000 a week yacht

and start my new life as ridiculously wealthy man!

Fuck you, Jack.

Hey, fuck you!

Fuck both of you! Jack, come on! Everyone's ready. Now!

The thing inside me never finished me off.

It did it's best to carve me hollow, but I squeaked by.

I went to rehab to try to be human again.

I wanted my spirit back.

I wanted to be good enough to be with somebody real.

Free from the poison of the airbrushed and mass-marketed fantasies.

Hopefully now I would have the strength to see beauty with my eyes closed.

Because I would feel it in my heart.

...and I would drink at least 30 cups of coffee a day.

I got fired from my job but I didn't care about that.

I was an animal.

I was a machine.

But um...

I'm ready to...

...take the first steps towards...

...sexual sobriety.

The thing inside me still lives.

That's a fact.

Now, it's just a matter of having the soul to battle him... day by day.

I know...

...you don't want anything to do with me right now,

but we should be together.

I want you to give me another chance.

You know, there is a reason that I didn't return any of your phone calls.

I know it was horrible, what I did.

I don't think you are capable of knowing.

That's not true.

I'll always feel I broke something I can never fix,

by hurting you like that.

Well, I guess that's just the price you'll have to pay.

Just leave.

Amelia, come on, please...

Get outta here, Steven! I'm not kidding!

I can't blame her for not wanting to be with me

after I defiled her wholesome sense of humanity.

"Defiled her wholesome", what?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

But it sounds like you fucked it up pretty bad with teach.

You're right, I did.

Well, you should get your ass back in there

and figure out how you can get another piece of that booty.

It's not all about booty anymore.

Shit, it's always about booty!

I tell you, Derek. A few months ago I definitely would've agreed with you, but, believe me...

You couldn't further from the truth.

Teach always says, "If someone says they're sorry,

you accept their apology and give them another chance."

I didn't actually say, "I'm sorry".

You never said you were sorry?

What kind of way is that to win back a woman?

You better go back in there and tell her you're sorry.

And after that...

...you better pray she's gonna fucking trust you again.

You're eight and a half years old, Derek! You shouldn't keep talking like that.

It's what got you sent to the principal's office in the first place.

I'm nine now, bitch!

I just wanna say, "I'm sorry".

What?

I never said the words, "I'm sorry".

OK, fine.

You said them. Now go.

Well, Derek told me that if I said I'm sorry,

you'd have to accept my apology and give me a second chance.

Aren't those your school rules?

So, now you're taking advice from an eight-and-a-half-year-old

who spends most of his free time in detention,

because he can't control himself from cursing.

Maybe he'll get some help and grow out of it.

And, and... and he's nine.

He's a little boy...

...from a broken home,

who's angry and starved for attention.

You're a grown man, who had someone, who really cared about you,

and you just couldn't keep it in your pants.

It's a bad comparison.

Look, I'm not asking you to forget everything that happened.

I'm just begging you to trust me enough

to open up your door a tiny bit.

And it wouldn't be just you trusting me, I'd also be trusting myself.

Because I'd rather die then hurt you again.

I just don't wanna live in a world

where there's not even a hope, for a chance of a future between us.

Why should there be?

Because I know who I am when I'm with you.

And that's the person I wanna be.

And I know who you are when you're with me.

And that's the person I wanna be with.

You really think you know all that.

I think that's the only thing I know for sure.

You know the best thing,

about seeing the world through the eyes of a nine-year-old,

is that anything seems possible.

And that happy-endings are, just like, right around the corner.

Too bad we all have to grow up some day, huh?

Yeah, but when you're a kid you should believe in a perfect ending,

where everything's glassy and neat.

But when you're all grown up you can still have your happy-ending too.

It just happens to be a version where there's always some...

...pain along the way and nothing's easy.

And you have to be ready and willing to earn it.

Take a seat.

I um...

I have to finish grading this homework.