Original subtitles

J“ what's so wrong j“

j“ with that happy sensation j'

j“ that sense of utter elation? J“

j“ what's so bad about j“

j“ feeling good? J“

j“ people sharing joy j“

j“ and good will j“

come on, you jerk.

Move that crate.

The light ain't gonna get any greener.

Why, you lazy no good rotten, stinkin'...

Shut up before I give you

a hit in the mouth.

Okay. You happy? You came in after me.

You telling me when I came in?

You're damn right, I am.

Who you shoving, mack?

You own the sidewalk?

Come on, come on. Get out of the way.

What are you, some kind of nut

or something?

Your mother sleeps on pay toilets.

- Taxi. - Taxi.

- Taxi. - Hey, that's my cab,

- you crumb. - Give me my cab

or I'll break your lips.

You see me swerve?

Get off of me.

Help, please.

Help, please.

Help.

Yes, it was a typical day in New York

and that was the day it all happened.

While the women were busy with their daily activities,

the men were grabbing a quick lunch

before returning to the problems

of their offices.

The kiddies as usual were in school

being given an unexpected examination.

At the university, their older brothers and sisters

were in engrossed in their studies.

It was a typical day

at United Nations, too.

Nyet.

In the evening the cares of the day

were exchanged for the pleasures

and relaxation of Broadway.

Then when the day people went to bed,

greenwich village came to life.

J“ get your train ticket, baby j“

j“ yeah, yeah j“

j“ get your train ticket, baby j“

j“ yeah, yeah j“

j“ get your train ticket, baby j“

j“ yeah, yeah j“

j“ have fun j“

Yes, it was a typical night

in the village, too.

But in the east village,

just a few blocks away,

there was an entirely different class of people,

real artists, writers, composers

who were making a true contribution

to the new culture.

We were the intellectuals. The elite.

We weren't eccentrics like the others.

We dressed comfortably and casually,

and spoke the language

that educated people do.

Not the jargon of the immature rebels.

We weren't searching for the truth,

we 'd found it.

Couple years ago, I was just like the rest

of you conformists.

I was in advertising.

Name on the door, carpet on the floor,

an ulcer, headaches,

the whole bit.

I wised up to that phony world

and came down here.

And so did, Liz.

She was on the treadmill, too.

I sure was.

Uptown supper clubs

singing schmaltzy songs

to the drunks.

Fighting to get to the top of the ladder

and then my heart got into the act

and somebody stepped on it.

Pills to sleep.

Pills to stay awake.

Finally, I asked myself.

"For what?"

This was the answer.

No responsibilities.

No entanglements.

Singing the songs I wanted to sing

songs that strip life to the bone

and lay bare its meaning.

J“ / was once j“

j“ a sad optimistic j“

j“now, I'll make grim realistic j“

j“ turning off to the games j“

j“ people play j“

j“I found peace of mind j“

j“ in the theory j“

j“ that true existence is dreary j“

j“ because life was meant to be blue j“

j“ black, and gray j“

j“ all the time j“

yes, night after night

we captured the misery of the world

in our music.

We talked it. We lived it.

We painted the misery.

But as morning came on that particular day,

something happened

and this is the bird

who made it happen.

It was on a Greek freighter

that had dropped anchor for quarantine inspection.

But this wasn't an ordinary inspection.

Something very strange had happened

to the captain and most of the crew.

The captain usually behaved like this.

Now, he seemed to be a different person.

When the first mate saw him dancing,

he really got worried.

They're sick I tell you, they're sick.

How many do you think have it now?

Oh, that 16.

Nobody yet in engine crew,

I make them stay away from sick ones,

get plenty fresh air,

drink water like I do.

You didn't notice any symptoms

until that bird came aboard, huh?

Everything was normal.

Everybody mean,

rotten, like always.

Then, three days ago,

bird come.

No land in sight,

nobody sees him fly to us.

All of a sudden, he's up there

flies around the ship three times

then right into captain's cabin.

Captain is sleeping.

When he wakes up, he's dancing.

Well, could it be something like parrot fever?

No, psittacosis always produces a high fever.

No fever. No cough.

No dizzy. No, nothing.

It could still be a virus though.

We'll have to hold the ship in quarantine indefinitely.

If it is a virus, my guess,

it's a brand new one, some kind of a mutation.

No telling how long it will take to identify it.

We'll take the bird with us, out it up,

and examine the tissues.

Now, be careful when you go for the bird,

that's right, use a handkerchief.

- Nobody's going to cut him up. - Just spread

it out, cover your mouth and nose, you want a pair

- of gloves because... - Oh, no, we can just

- tie it around... - Hey, hey.

J“ to be glad is bad j“

j“and will only make you sad j“

j“ because life j“

j“ was meant to be blue j“

I black j'

j“ and gray j“

I hate it.

You hate it? Oh, Liz.

I really liked it.

Who dragged her in here?

What he said was a compliment stupid.

The function of art

is to reflect the misery of the world

and that's the most miserable song

I ever heard.

Thank you.

It reflects the void of the universe.

The fruitlessness of endeavor.

The emptiness of nothingness.

But without aspiration,

how does one ever achieve

the emancipation of the soul?

Since the problems of life are insoluble,

one should draw into complete isolation

and live a life of total

non-involvement with other people.

The sack is right.

That's exactly what hans hinklemeyer says.

Who's hans hinklemeyer?

Who was hans...

The German philosopher who wrote this,

hoffnungslosigkeit,

it means hopelessness.

Oh, yes, we've been corresponding

for over a year now.

- Read it. - Thank you.

- I'll read it tonight. - Oh, after

you've finished the book, we'll discuss it.

Hey, Barney, where are you going?

I got to go water my grass.

Hey, Barney.

Hey, Barney.

You forgot your horn.

Get going, bugs.

I'm gonna put up a sign,

"keep off the grass."

Where's Liz?

I'm coming.

It's gonna be murder sleeping.

Sun is out again.

You think we'd get a cloudy day

once in a while.

I don't see why we always have to meet

at their place.

Why can't we get together here

once in a while?

Intimate, it's got atmosphere,

character.

Boy, we sure were lucky

to find this place.

Yeah, well, don't start changing it either.

Who's changing?

You polished the table.

Oh, well,

I just cleaned up

the soup you spilled.

It's the tomato, gives it the gloss.

It's not right.

It doesn't make a statement.

Now, it says something.

This came for you yesterday.

Why didn't you give it to me then?

It's your mail, not mine.

Unemployment insurance.

Well, it's about time

they got it straightened out.

Yeah? How much?

Three weeks, $165.

Good. I need some new brushes.

No, you don't.

This is for me not working,

not you.

What the hell is that?

Get a load of that beak!

Come on you.

Hey!

Hey, those are my grapes!

Oh, let him eat them! He's probably hungry.

Oh, sure, make a pet out of him and get emotionally involved,

- is that what you want? - I don't care if you have him

for breakfast.

Gotcha!

He got my finger.

And don't come back!

So, I went back to the ship.

If anybody wants me, I'll be in the lab.

Yes, Dr. Shapiro.

Then I took throat swabs

from captain narcopolis and the rest of the crew

who exhibited any indication of infection.

I doubt whether we can isolate the virus from swabs.

But without the bird, we have nothing else to work on.

Oh, Harry, get out a bulletin by phone

to every doctor in the city.

I want a report of any patient

who has the slightest symptom.

Right away, doctor.

Oh, Harry, I wanna tell the mayor.

Call his office and find out when I can see him.

Yes, doctor.

It must be a virus

and it has to be transmitted

by respiration.

All that bird has to do is get within

breathing distance of somebody

and pop goes the weasel.

But this virus has an affinity

for the brain.

At least that's our best guess.

It's, uh

it enters through the respiratory system

but unlike other viruses,

this little devil

goes up the nasal pharynx

and enters the iimbic system.

That part of the brain

that controls our behavior.

Look, Charlie, can we discuss

this later in my office?

The press will be in here in a minute.

And I have to make a statement about recreational facilities.

But Mr. Mayor, this is of utmost importance

and immediate concern.

All right. Go ahead.

Thank you.

What this particular virus evidently does

is cause changes in our behavior patterns.

People infected become euphoric,

have a sense of wellbeing.

Well, I'm not going to order the police commissioner

to call out 28,000 cops

to find some bird that makes people feel good.

But we have no way of knowing

what it may lead to.

People could feel so good

they quit their jobs,

fly kites in Times Square,

block traffic,

uh, stop voting.

Stop voting?

Get me the police commissioner.

Has anybody in New York got it yet?

Well, we don't know.

The patterns of the change is gradual

during the, uh, incubation period.

And then, uh,

according to the infected sailors I examined,

just before it really starts to take hold,

there's a sudden ringing in the ears,

almost a musical sound.

What are you doing up?

It's not even dark yet.

I don't know.

I'll go up to the roof to get some air.

Air?

Hey, Liz!

Hey, Liz!

Hey, wake up!

Uh, I'm awake.

I'm on the roof.

Don'tjump!

Come on up here!

I'm coming.

Pete!

- Come here. - What happened?

Come here.

Come here.

Look.

In this cruddy pile ofjunk,

a flower.

The odds against survival

must've been a million to one,

but it made it.

A couple of drops of rain

and some sun.

Pete, what's wrong? What's the matter with you?

Uh, I don't know.

Ever since I got up, I've been feeling strange,

kind of...

I don't think I can explain it to you,

but everything seems different.

Hey, listen.

To what? The traffic?

Kids laughing.

You know why they're laughing?

'Cause they're not old enough

to read the newspaper.

You take a look at the front page

and then try laughing.

The world's a stinking,

hopeless mess.

Oh, Pete, you're sick.

You know, sometimes a high fever

can make you feel this way.

I feel great!

That's what I mean.

Take a couple of aspirin and lie down, huh?

I'll get Conrad.

He'll make you see that you're being...

What he will.

Conrad!

Conrad!

Is anybody here?

- No. - Where's Conrad?

He's out getting his unemployment check.

Yahoo!

Hey, miss, miss. Come here.

I didn't do anything.

Come here, just keep quiet and come here.

Look, I happen to know my constitution...

Shh! I think that's the one.

See that bird?

He's looking up at that tree.

What's up there?

I can't take my eyes off of it.

Here, read this description.

- Predominantly black. - Okay.

- Yellow and white at the throat. - Okay.

Approximately 10 inches long,

seven inches high,

unusually large curved beak.

That's the one, all right.

- That bird flew in... - Quiet or you'll scare him away!

Oh, I'm gonna need the emergency truck,

a ladder, and a net.

The virus produces a sense of euphoria,

a feeling of well-being,

no symptoms except a sudden change

in behavior patterns.

Highly contagious, avoid contact... oh!

Liz! I'll be out in a minute.

Pete!

Hi, honey.

Oh, Pete, that beautiful beard.

Yeah, I cut my hair, too.

Ever get an irresistible impulse?

Oh, I still don't know why I did it.

I do.

Read this.

It's a health department bulletin,

explains the whole thing.

That's what happened to you.

It's a virus, you got it from that bird

that flew in here this morning.

I just saw him downstairs in a tree.

The police are trying to catch him.

Hey, how about that?

Uh, change in behavior, that's me.

- Uh-hmm. - Yeah.

Very contagious.

Um-huh-huh-huh-huh.

One little kiss and you'll have it, too.

- I don't want it. - Just one little kiss,

you'll like yourself in the morning.

- I don't wanna be. - Then, we'll get married,

a real marriage, a church wedding.

- I don't want... I... - And we'll get a little place

in Jersey and have some kids and I'll mow the lawn.

And give up all this?

All what?

Oh, come on, Liz.

- This is no way to live. - Pete, stay away from me.

I'll go back to work.

- Go back to work? - Yeah. I'll call Bolton, greely

and sealy and try to get my old job back...

- Gotcha! Pucker up! - Pete, let go of me!

Pucker up

ah, ah! Oh!

- Conrad! - Honey,

- just one little kiss. - Gertrude!

One little kiss!

Hey!

Oh! Ah!

Listen!

- Hey! - And then, if he just gets close

- to you, you can catch it. - Hey, come on, Liz!

Go away! Go away you leper!

Come on, Liz! Let me in!

Ooh! Oh.

He came back.

Amigo, huh?

You want a grape?

Hey.

The mets could use you in the infield.

Hmm, doing a famous slider.

The pitcher picks up the grape.

Man on second,

signal.

Prrt.

Hey, amigo,

you can give it to Liz.

See, uh, I'll take you up on the roof

and I'll put you down the ventilator.

What?

Oh, it'll only take five minutes.

Wouldn't have worked anyway.

Conrad stopped up the ventilator

to keep the fresh air out.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

It's hans hinklemeyer.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

the hinklemeyer, he's here?

- Yes. - In New York?

Yes. Yes.

I'm here on a lecture tour.

Yeah, Harvard, Yale.

You're at the airport?

Well, stay right there

and I'll come and meet you.

Nein.

It wouldn't be necessary.

Anyone who followed in mein philosophy

can certainly find your place.

Welcome.

I am Conrad.

Conrad.

Hans hinklemeyer,

happy to be here.

Yeah, extremely happy.

And this is Phil.

Hinklemeyer.

Roger.

Hinklemeyer.

Sybil.

Hmm...

Hinklemeyer.

Sam.

Hinklemeyer.

Hmm, what a funny little beard.

And this is the sack.

Coochy, coochy, coochy.

Ah, a fraulein sack.

Fraulein sack,

hans hinklemeyer.

And this is aida.

Oh, yeah?

Hans hinklemeyer.

I read your book.

It was very depressing.

Good.

And gertrude.

Unlike you, we only use first names.

We believe that last names

are superfluous

because when the world is destroyed,

our first names will be our last names.

Yeah, yeah, true, true.

In your letters, didn't you say

a group with 60, 70,

I'm counting only.

But we didn't know you were coming.

So tomorrow we will have everybody.

And tonight, you will stay here and

in hoffnungslosigkeit,

they never sleep with a roof over their head.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, some disciple.

I'm coming here only to greet you

and now I must be going.

I am the that tire I think you say.

But before you go,

could you tell me something

about hoffnungslosigkeit?

Yes, you mispronounce it.

It's not hoffnungslosigkeit,

it's hoffnungslosigkeit,

long 00.

Not hoffnungslosigkeit?

Well, in

they say, hoffnungslosigkeit,

but in munchen, they say.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

hoff. Hoff.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hoffnungslosigkeit,

- hoffnungslosigkeit, - no, no.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

- Hoffnung. - Hoffnung.

Nice. Ooh.

- Hoffnungslosigkeit, - hoffnungslosigkeit,

- ooh. - Ooh.

- Hoofnungs. - Hoofnungs.

- Nungslosigkeit. - Nungslosigkeit.

That's better.

But one thing confuses me...

- Yeah. - You write about misery

but you seem so happy.

Yeah, and I do really.

You must remember three things.

- Eins. - Eins.

The only solution of the world's problem

- is total destruction, yeah. - Yeah.

- Zwei. - Zwei.

The world is destroying itself, yeah?

- Yeah. - So, drei.

So what's to worry about, yeah.

But professor...

Uh, uh, uh, uh,

you think about that,

and tomorrow, we discuss it.

Pete?

Oh, it's me,

hans hinklemeyer.

Conrad sent me.

I've been exposed to a virus.

I wouldn't wanna take a chance on you getting it

that's why I wasn't upstairs with the others.

I am not afraid.

Four times I've had the black plague,

no virus would come close to me.

Oh, wait.

Maybe if I just stay far away from you then

you'd be safe.

- Won't you sit? - Nein.

We don't sit down.

We go right to bed.

What?

We go to bed together.

But hinklemeyer.

Oh, please, call me hans.

Well, you can't just stay here.

And why not?

Conrad tells me your love is gone

so I take his place.

But Pete might come back.

Then we three sleep together

but it wouldn't bother me.

In munchen sometimes we sleep

six, seven, together.

- No, no, no. - I don't think the best...

You have bourgeois morality.

- No, no, it isn't that. - Uh-hmm.

It's... well,

you might catch the virus.

Ahh, couldn't be worse than a bad cold.

Come to bed.

Reminds me of heidenburg.

Come.

Why run away?

I couldn't understand you.

I hear in the greenwich village,

everybody is making love

with everybody else.

Is it better,

but you,

you act like you have no experiences

with strangers.

- No experiences? - Uh-hmm.

I've had dozens and dozens.

Oh?

Then one more would make no difference, yeah.

But in your book, you're against

emotional involvements.

Oh, really?

Wouldn't be no involvement.

We make love like total strangers.

Hans, there's no such thing aslove.

There's only hate.

Well, if you don't see no difference

then hate me but then...

But herr hinklemeyer.

Five minutes.

You're lovely.

Wonderful.

You are a great looking broad.

Oh, please don't.

You're right.

There could never be anyone but Pete.

Um, well, um,

I wouldn't, uh,

wouldn't want to stay with a fraulein

who wasn't willing.

Besides, I think there's a law

against that in this country.

I wanna thank you

for being so understanding.

No, that's all right.

But we have in my country a custom.

When one is rejected,

one goes with a kiss

to show there's no hard feelings,

please?

A little kiss

like I would give mein sister brunhi.

Well, I...

That's the way you kiss your sister?

Well, you see we have

a slightly incestuous relationship.

Now, come and see me...

Pete.

- You. - Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Miserable.

Wow.

J“ what's so wrong j“

j“ with somebody caring j“

j“ dreaming, loving, and sharing? J“

j“ what's so bad about feeling good? J“

j“ it's a rich life j“

j“ magic, and thrilling j“

j“ yours to take if you're willing j“

j“ what's so bad about feeling good? J“

j“ though the world may not be perfect yet j“

j“ still the only way it's gonna get j“

j“any better is if we try j“

j“ so come and kiss me j“

j“ let's get it started j“

j“ together warm and lighthearted j“

j“ we'll enjoy life the way we should j“

j“and tell me what's so bad j“

j“ tell me what's so bad j“

j“ about feeling good? J“

well, Pete, it's good to have you back in the team.

We've certainly missed you.

I'm happy to be back.

Now, uh, I think junior has come up

with a one minute commercial

that'll push the numbers

right up through the roof.

Get it on the launching pad, son,

and let's see if takes off, huh.

Well, dad...

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Go ahead, son, go ahead.

Well, as I was saying, dad,

it's just the bare bones.

I haven't fleshed it up yet.

Gentlemen,

the premise is that ultra

is more than appeal,

it's a miracle.

It'll do everything

for everybody.

Are you tired,

sluggish?

Ultra will give you new vitality.

Are you irritable, tense?

Ultra will tranquilize

yourjangled nerves.

Overweight?

It's the perfect reducing pill.

Underweight?

A perfect builder-upper.

Now here comes the real grabber.

Let's hear it, son.

And for the girls,

only one ultra pill a day

takes all the worry out of romance.

Top drawer, huh, Pete?

I love it. I just love it.

It's gonna increase the business 1,000%.

How about that last bit?

Well, Pete,

what do you think of it?

I don't like it.

Why?

It's not honest.

I see.

Not honest, huh.

You're fired.

Bolton, greely, and sealy.

Pete,

I'm sure he'll take you back.

Just tell Bolton it's a great commercial.

Hold on. That you thought it over

and you changed your mind.

I've got a feeling he's gonna change his mind.

Hey, it's for you.

It's the engraving company.

Uh, I'll call them back.

I put something into orbit this morning.

- It wasn't... - He'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bolton, greely, and sealy.

No, I'm sorry, lady, he's not in.

Harriet?

Harriet, you're heavenly.

Bolton, greely, and sealy.

Liz?

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

- Sorry. - Oh.

Oh, that was wunderbar herr hinklemeyer,

you know, it's much better than that old beard.

That was.

Hey, you,

none of that stuff on the escalator.

Escalator?

I thought it was an oscillator.

Escalator. Oscillator, get it?

Well, if he didn't it at first, he's got it now.

Oh, darling, I'm so glad I got it.

And I do want a church wedding

and I want 10 children,

and I'm gonna bake bread for you and guess what?

I'm gonna grow roses. Yes, I am.

What about something more hideous?

Where are we going?

I'll give you three guesses.

Now, this is a toucan

from the museum of natural history

and similar to the one that brought the virus

to New York.

If you have seen a bird of this species,

please contact the police immediately.

Now, let me repeat,

there's absolutely no cause for alarm.

Only 47 cases have been reported so far.

Uh, the, uh

however, the commissioner of health

recommends that you wear

a surgical mask

when you're out in public.

Now, you may use any kind you wish

or you may obtain this type

at your nearest fire

or police station,

without any cost, whatsoever.

It's just another service

of your friendly administration.

Bye now.

You're off the air, Mr. Mayor, thank you.

We'll wrap up after your feed, Mr. Mayor.

It was great, chief.

- Short and sweet. - Real sincere.

You looked great, Walter.

Fine, fine.

I think you underplayed it, Walter.

True we got a line on the 47

who reported to doctors but...

But when you feel good, you don't go to a doctor.

Lord knows how many more have it.

Well, the virus only has a life of 10 days or so.

You said so yourself.

Yes, but somebody who gets it on the 10th day

and has it for another 10 days,

and a week after he gets it,

he gives it to somebody else, and so on,

theoretically, it could go on for years.

Well, have you found out any more about the effect

of the virus?

Merely that it frees people

from hostile feelings.

You mean like tranquilizers?

No, they merely suppress

and diminish hostility.

The virus seems to do away with it entirely.

People become, uh, friendly,

more hopeful and stop brooding.

Mr. Mayor, 82%,

not only stopped brooding,

they stopped smoking.

Ninety-three percent stopped drinking.

What's wrong with that?

In terms of dollars and cents,

it's disastrous.

Our city is facing

a drastic loss in income

from sales tax.

That's ridiculous. Forty-seven people?

A drop in the bucket.

But if this goes unchecked for a month,

by mathematical progression,

half of New York will have the virus.

You know what that means?

It means a loss in cigarette

and liquor taxes

more than 180 million dollars.

A hundred and eighty million?

Brady, what are you sitting there for?

- Get that bird. - Yes, sir.

It's not just the sales tax that worries me,

but suppose one of us gets it

and starts making irrational decisions?

He's right.

And there's only one place in the city

where there's no risk of infection,

the command post fallout shelter.

Now, I suggest that you establish

your headquarters there immediately

and remain until we get this thing under control.

Run away?

Desert my constituents?

No, sir.

No, I'm staying right here

on the firing line

with the people.

Sorry to be late, Mr. Mayor,

but I've been working

on the recreational facilities problem.

Gentlemen, as you all know,

we desperately need more parks

in lower Manhattan.

Well, I have finally come upon

the perfect solution.

We tear down the New York stock exchange

and the treasury building across the street

and use that space for a beautiful playground.

We can condemn that property for very little.

It'll cost the city

less than six million dollars an acre.

We'll continue this discussion

in the fallout shelter.

There'll be plenty of room for the kiddies

to play baseball and football,

and hopscotch, Jacks,

and there'll be jungle gyms

and slides, and swings,

and seesaws,

checkerboards for the senior citizens.

Oh, it'll be heaven.

Could you hold it there, Mr. Mayor?

One more picture, Mr. Mayor?

How about some shots of the fallout shelter?

Mr. Mayor, I know you're busy, may I have a moment, sir?

Certainly.

Tell me, sir, is there any truth to the rumor

that there's been a spread in the epidemic?

Epidemic?

Oh, well, I'd hardly call it an epidemic.

After all we only have a hundred and eighty million...

Uh, forty-seven cases.

Well, why then, sir, are you visiting the fallout shelter?

Just a routine inspection,

the last Friday of every month.

But today is Saturday, sir.

Well, better late than never.

And don't forget, folks, get those masks,

drink liquids, get plenty of rest,

and above all, don't worry.

- Bye now. - Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

As you heard from the mayor, ladies and gentlemen,

there's no need for panic. There is no crisis.

But now, let's hear from the man on the street.

- Hey, you. - Or in this particular instance,

the lady in the street.

Tell me, ma'am, are you concerned with the virus?

What virus?

Why, the one we've been talking about.

I haven't been talking about no virus.

I'm trying to get to 46th street,

a cop stops me.

What did I do?

All of a sudden you can't go to 46th street.

What is this?

A one way sidewalk or something, huh?

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Thank you. Thank you.

And now ladies and gentlemen,

we return you to our studio.

Just a minute. Just a minute.

- I'd like to say something. - Why, yes, sir.

Well, I've got it.

- So have I. - You got... you got what?

- The virus. - The virus.

And it's the greatest thing that ever happened to us.

It makes you feel wonderful.

And forget about what the mayor said,

forget about getting those masks.

Find a crowd and breathe deep.

- Right. - Officer?

Unfortunately, more people took

the mayor's advice than ours.

So, the sack and I felt it was our duty

to volunteer in the mayor's prevention program.

We infiltrated as saboteurs.

While the sack made sure that every mask

was specially treated with the virus,

I made sure that nobody got away

without one.

I was in charge of transportation

assisted by Conrad.

Our specialty was the subway at rush hour,

where the biggest crowd were breathing in,

we were there breathing out.

Gertrude got as close to as many people

as she possibly could.

She was a stranger in town and needed help.

She said she was lost,

just couldn't find her way

to rockefeller center.

And those that gertrude missed,

Barney got.

He gave out free samples

and he had plenty of takers who took home

a lot more than a stick of chewing gum.

Roger got a job in a department store.

He was not only a good salesman

but an excellent distributor.

At night, aida and I teamed up,

we were the bubble sisters,

and every bubble aida blew

was filled with greetings from amigo.

J“and I'm bubbling over j“

j“ I'm bubbling over j“

j“ I'm bubbling over with love j“

j“ give me a guy I can tease j“

j“and I'll give him a little squeeze j“

j“ because I'm bubbling over j“

j“ with a simple desire to please j“

j“ a kiss, maybe more j“

j“ there's no reason for keeping score j“

j“ as I'm bubbling over j“

j“ I'm bubbling over j“

j“ I'm bubbling over with love j“

j“ love j“

lunch hours, we spent in central park

feeding peanuts to pigeons.

These weren't ordinary peanuts,

they were coated with a new secret ingredient.

Yes, the little bird who started it all

now had a battalion of feathered friends.

The city was under attack

by land, sea, and air.

Two days later, you wouldn't have known the place.

Over one million new yorkers

had joined the club.

- Excuse me. - Please, you were first.

Oh, thank you.

- Good morning. - Nice day, isn't it?

- I'm sorry. - Pardon me.

May I help you?

Howdy do, ladies.

I hope you have a lovely day.

Bye.

Bye.

J“ america, america... j“

j“da, da j“

And liquor and cigarettes

weren't the only products in trouble.

For instance, over...

Bolton, greely and...

Sealy?

Good morning.

May I help you?

Oh,

oh, I'm so sorry.

Mr. Bolton is in conference.

And gentlemen, the more I thought about pizza idea,

the better I like it.

Honesty in advertising,

what a fresh idea.

Just great, Pete,

to show our appreciation,

here's a bonus for you.

Thanks, Lou.

You're very welcome, Pete.

And now gentlemen,

is there one honest claim

we can make for ultra?

Well,

we could say they're round.

Mama.

Mama.

Mama.

As you see our camera is photographing

just a few of the 600 people

who are waiting outside city hall.

The latest figure show that marriage licenses

are running 912% above average.

Also in the last 24 hours,

only one application for divorce

has been granted.

And 75% of all pending lawsuits

have been settled out of court.

I have just received word

that j. Gardner Monroe

is about to enter the city.

As you all know,

Mr. Monroe was appointed by the president yesterday

after the mayor of New York appealed

to the federal government for help in...

And here comes a helicopter which is carrying Mr. Monroe

to the mayor's fallout shelter.

And so now we take you back

to Whitfield shore. Witt?

I'm here, Vic,

but we're not allowed on the roof

during the landing.

So we'll switch to our camera plane,

ladies and gentlemen,

so you can view the approach.

Mr. Monroe will go directly to the fallout shelter

which is seven floors below ground level

and is perfectly equipped

for this emergency.

There is no danger of air, water,

or food contamination,

ample lavatory facilities.

Every known means of communication.

Sleeping accommodations for a hundred

and food enough to last 40 days.

J. Gardner Monroe,

young, dynamic,

has served the present administration

as a mediator and a trouble shooter

in enumerable national and international crises.

As they say in Washington,

"if you want something accomplished,

send Monroe."

Here come a few of his assistants

wearing gas masks as a defense

against the virus.

And now, yes,

here comes j. Gardner Monroe.

Apparently, he wants to make a statement.

Perhaps we'll be fortunate enough

to learn the government strategy

in fighting this epidemic.

Do you wish to make a statement, Mr. Monroe?

Do you wish to make a statement, Mr. Monroe?

Yes, I do.

I have a statement from the president.

"And I quote," first,

I had asked the world health organization

of the United Nations

to instruct every point of entry

in every country

to quarantine all passengers

from the United States.

It is our aim therefore...

It is our aim thereby

to prevent this virus

from spreading beyond our shoes.

Second, I am confident

that my special representative.

J. Gardner Monroe,

a dedicated, dynamic,

inspiring personality,

and leader,

"will find a solution to this vexing problem."

What do you think?

What have you done?

How about.

- It's beautiful. - Liz, look at this,

- this is the shower. - Sure.

- Look at the shower. - Pete,

look at the shower.

Oh, wow.

- Can I get in there? - Oh, it's beautiful.

- Hey, there's amigo. - Where?

- Oh, amigo. - Right there.

- Hey. - Isn't he beautiful.

Oh, look how friendly he is.

- Shh. - He's back.

Don't scare him.

He's got his eye on the grapes.

Well, welcome home.

I hoped you'd come back.

What took you so long?

- Ravics, my security adviser. - Your honor.

- Marshall, legal. - Mr. Mayor.

Dr. Strager, medical.

Murgatroyd, uh,

my, um, uh...

- Administrative assistant. - Yes.

- Mr. Monroe. - Yes.

Over here, we have our communication center

with direct lines to city hall,

Albany, United Nations, and the white house.

Uh, do you read me?

Yes, sir.

At 1,300 hours,

I'll speak to the president

on extension one.

Yes, sir.

Over and out.

Well, Mr. Mayor,

where do we stand?

Well, these are the latest figures.

Two million one hundred

and ninety-three thousand

two hundred and six cases already, huh?

Mr. Mayor.

And our computers predicted three and a half million,

we'll have it by this Saturday.

Well, Mr. Mayor,

you wanted New York known as fun city,

I think you're gonna get your wish.

Those commies sure are sneaky.

Oh, come on.

You don't think for one moment

that this thing is just an accident, do you?

Do you?

And that bird landed on that ship,

its position was, uh...

Longitude 82, latitude 24.

Twenty four.

Not very far from Cuba, hey?

Take my word for it.

That bird is a hooked-nose missile

sent here by you know who.

Mr. Monroe, you don't honestly think...

Yes, Mr. Mayor.

Yes.

Tell him.

We have information.

They planned to dump LSD in the reservoir.

So this could very well be part

of a coordinated attack.

Huh?

Oh, look at the facts.

Look at the facts.

When people get the bug,

they suddenly love the world.

Now if you know who was getting ready

to act up again,

what would be better than to give Americans

a sense of security?

A full sense of security

and euphoria.

Mr. Monroe,

you are not suggesting this virus

was artificially produced

- in a laboratory? - Yes.

Virus...

Uh, laboratory, yes.

Medical impossibility,

just couldn't have happened.

That's what they said about the power failure

here in New York in '65.

And what about the Asian flu?

That came straight,

believe you me, from red China.

Well, good old American know-how

took care of those sneak attacks.

And I guarantee you,

it'll take care of this one.

I bet he does it this time.

Oh, Pete, he'll never do it.

He will.

Now, the chair, amigo.

Now do you want this grape?

You jump down and get it.

Go on. Go on.

Yay, amigo.

Yay.

The president is not happy and neither am I.

I can't understand it.

Twenty-eight thousand cops

and you can't catch one lousy bird.

At 20,000,

8,000 have got the bug.

These surgical masks

proved to be only 42% effective.

Forty-two percent.

We're switching to this type.

I know the problem.

So far we're only got enough

- for the high-ranking officers. - Gmm.

But as soon as we've more available,

the whole force will have them.

And Mr. Monroe,

wouldn't you care to see the lab?

- It's just this way. - Yes.

Can't you do anything without that bird?

I mean, they didn't need the original mosquito

to kill malaria.

But they didn't need an infected brain.

Well, grab a stiff from the morgue.

Must be somebody down there who died laughing.

Illegal, must permission of next of kin.

The cops won't help us any, Mr. Monroe,

a virus is only found in living cells.

Well, what about some other bird,

a pigeon, or a seagull

that the toucan has been,

you know, shacking up with?

Well, we have suspensions

of a hundred and fifty pigeon brains

under examination.

Here, I'll show you.

We might get a result but the further away

from the original carrier you get,

the less virulent the strain becomes.

And so we're right back to old hooked-nose again.

Well, listen to me, gentlemen,

and listen well.

If you haven't found the answer

before that electric scoreboard out there

says three million,

I'm putting plan cc-27

into effect.

Not cc-27.

Yes.

The Bridges, tunnels,

airports will be closed.

Repeat, closed.

Not one single person

will get in or out of New York.

But Mr. Monroe,

do you realize we have 52 conventions

coming in next week?

Conventions?

Do you realize what would happen

if this got to Washington,

Republicans agreeing with democrats

and vice versa?

This bird could destroy

our two-party system,

the very foundation

of our great democracy.

- This bird... - Could be the salvation

of america.

This bird

has given us what the world needs

more than anything else.

Hope.

Shut that window.

Shut that window.

That's them.

The ones who let the bird in,

about 10 minutes ago. I saw them.

You say stay here.

Put your guards the back of the building.

Gunty, ponazecki.

Yes, sir.

Come on.

Back in the

They're coming in the front door.

Pete, they'll kill him. They want his brain.

Don't worry, amigo,

we'll get you out of here.

We'll think of something.

Whoa.

Now watch yourself in the stairs.

- Stairs, yes, yes. - Do you feel all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Um-hmm.

Good afternoon, officer.

Take it easy, lady, I got a car downstairs.

Gunty, ponazecki.

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

Maternity on the way down.

Maternity, emergency.

Now, here we go, lady, now just watch your step.

Now, that's not really necessary officer.

- I'm fine, I'mjustfine. - We'll have you

at the hospital in about five minutes.

- No problem. - Where is it?

Where's the bird?

Police brutality.

She's strong as a horse, very strong, very, very strong.

I'm in good shape, really good shape.

Wait, forgot your toothbrush.

I keep telling you,

I do not want to go the hospital.

I believe in natural childbirth.

Right, pains like that, lady,

this is no do-it-yourself job.

Right this way, easy now, lady.

Watch it.

That's it. Easy.

Want us to call in for a preacher to meet us

- so you can get married first? - Uh-uh.

The feathers are tickling.

She's getting hysterical.

Get going.

Easy now, easy now.

- She's very serious. - She's

- that's it. - She promised her mother.

Yeah, I know, natural birth.

Okay, take her away.

- Follow me, here's the desk. - I'll be with you

as soon as you've been registered.

Oh, that's all right, it's no hurry.

I'll stand by while you sign her in.

Oh, there's no need for you to stay.

Thank you very much, sergeant.

You'd think I'd leave here now?

It's an emergency.

He's still got to fill out the forms.

I'll see if! Can speed this up,

- I know the head nurse. - No, it's... don't...

Instead of rice, they should throw rocks.

Since I got the virus,

I'm not so quick to point a finger.

That's why you should see the doctor.

You're not yourself.

I like me better the way I am.

I'm so glad you're happy, honey.

I got news for you,

when they kick like that,

it's gonna be a boy.

Personally, I think it's nice

to have a birthday the same day

as the wedding anniversary.

That way everybody in the family

gets a present.

Oh, yes.

Mazel tov, honey.

Dr. Kelner,

Dr. Kelner,

Dr. Wiseman,

- Dr. Wiseman, - but you got to help her.

She's out there in a wheelchair.

If we don't get her into a hospital room soon,

she's gonna have the baby right in the lobby.

Now sergeant, calm down,

we've handled hundreds of cases like this,

and we haven't lost a policeman yet.

I'll do with the best I can

but we have a routine to follow, and we must follow.

Tell the doctor it's an emergency, emergency.

Amigo, ssh.

I'm hurrying, it'll just be another minute.

Doctor, have you seen a pregnant woman

in a wedding outfit?

I've been an obstetrician for 20 years

but that, I've never seen.

Amigo, scrunch up, I can't get it open any further.

If you could just...

Could you just put your...

Put your nose down.

Uh, may I come in?

Mrs. Collins?

No, no, no, no, you've got the wrong room.

Well, they told me

that Mrs. Collins was in the emergency room?

No, no, no, no.

Listen, Dr. Brody is on his way here now

but I think

I better take a look at you first.

Uh, I'm in his class,

obstetrics one.

Obstetrics one?

- Yes. - Well, I certainly didn't

come here to be examined by a student, no.

Oh, no. I...

You got here just in time.

Uh, Dr. Brody is going

to let me observe.

It will be my first baby.

Do you mind if! Listen to the heartbeat?

You listen to me,

go tell the doctor that I shouldn't be here.

This is a false pregnancy.

If that's a false pregnancy,

I'm gonna flunk the course.

Call the doctor, I'm gonna faint.

I've got some smelling salts.

Wonderful.

Dr. Brody.

Dr. Brody.

Dr. Brody. Dr. Brody.

It's got feathers.

Dr. Benedict.

Coochey coo.

It's amazing how fast they get them back

on their feet these days.

Hey you.

Stop, you're under arrest.

Ooh, whoa.

- No amigo, not in there. - Amigo, get out of there,

that's a cop car.

And when last seen,

the toucan was flying north

by northeast at low altitude.

The man and woman who concealed the bird

are being held for questioning.

Oh, no, they don't.

Well, he's busy right now,

I'm his assistant, could I take a message?

Tell them to bring them here,

put them in your isolation booth

and I'll do the questioning,

and keep the house where they live staked out.

The bird may go back there.

Have nets ready,

ladders and bait the place

for all the grapes they can find.

Don't worry, Mr. Monroe.

I guarantee you we'll get him this time

with these tranquilizer rifles.

Eighty-six have been issued already.

That's propelled by a co2 cylinder isn't it?

Yeah. It shoots a projectile

with a drug that won't harm the bird in anyway.

Two ccs of a rapid-acting immobilizer.

It'll put him to sleep for about...

45 minutes.

Illegal.

Oh, he needed a rest anyway.

Works very well.

Captain Wallace,

captain Wallace, to command post.

As per instructions,

all stations are manned and ready, over and out.

Yeah, big deal,

hey, you'd think they was after a lion or something.

This is what we pay our taxes for?

Come on, come on, back of the ropes.

What are you shoving for?

This is sugar one to all stations.

Report in sequence.

Come in sugar two, over.

This is sugar two, we're ready over.

Sugar three ready

and over.

Sugar four ready, over.

This is sugar five,

ready and over.

All right,

for the last time.

Where did that bird go?

Come on, speak up,

where did it go?

Ikeep telling you, Mr. Monroe,

I don't know.

He just flew away.

Oh, he just fiew away

to a little hideout

you got fixed for him, huh?

Come on,

where did he go?

If I knew, I wouldn't tell you.

Amigo is the greatest thing

that ever happened to New York.

Amigo,

that's Spanish for comrade,

isn't it?

Fnend.

Comrade.

Amigo, that's a nice name

- for a bird. - Well, it's

that's just what we call him.

There was this window pane, broken out.

And I pasted an ad for amigo wine,

over the pane.

And that bird poked his beak

right through the ad, under the word amigo.

And that's why we call him amigo.

When was the last time you were in Cuba,

Mr. Jackson?

- Cuba? - Oh, come on.

We've run a check on you and your gang.

One of them had a beard just like Castro.

They all had some kind of a beard.

How do you explain that?

He didn't shave.

All right.

Let me ask you something.

Ha.

When was the last time

you were in Cuba?

Uh, that's what I asked her?

Yeah, what did she say?

She said, she doesn't speak Spanish.

Then, how come you answered

in Spanish, senorita?

Slipped out, didn't it?

Because you're.

What the hell is that?

It's h-hour for plan cc27.

Mr. Monroe,

Mr. Monroe.

Mr. Monroe, can we hold off on cc27.

Doctor witter is convinced that the computer is wrong.

- What? - I just don't believe

that many people have the virus, Mr. Monroe.

I believe no more than 50% are infected.

The rest are just being swept along.

Well, if they haven't got it,

then why aren't they acting like normal, cynical people?

People who have it and not spreading a virus

as much as a manner of behavior.

They believe the world is not beyond redemption.

They're happy, considerate,

polite, friendly.

And the others are responding in kind.

Talk to him, Mr. Monroe.

As if you were angry.

Go ahead. Talk harshly.

The president of the United States

did not send me here to talk to a dog.

Get him outta here.

Hey, hey.

Mr. Mayor, you talk to him.

Hello, boy. Come on.

Come on up, fella.

Come on, oh,

what a nice little doggie.

- Yeah. - Humans react the same way,

Mr. Monroe.

You're angry at the dog,

that was New York a week ago.

He was kind,

that's New York today.

I wonder if that's what happened to me, Pete.

You know, I didn't wake up that morning feeling good

the way you did.

You didn't?

But then gertrude and Conrad and the others

were so cheerful and...

Well, you've been so nice the day before.

Maybe I was immune to the virus

and it just sort of rubbed off on me.

Virus shmirus, as long as you feel good.

Friendly man gets a friendly response.

Come on, come on.

Somehow, I just don't trust a man

who talks like that.

Are you sure he has security clearance?

Yes, top-secret rating.

Well, you never know for sure.

You just never know.

I mean, he may be in with them.

Turn those Cuban spies loose.

- Both of them? - But keep them under observation

- day and night. - Tell them

- they're in the clear, right? - Right.

Give them a full sense of security.

They may lead us to the head of their ring.

Your attention, please.

Observation post 14

reports toucan approaching stakeout.

This is sugar one.

Radio silence will be maintained

until further notice.

Okay.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Good work, gunty, you got it 'em, you got 'em.

Ponazecki?

Gunty?

Gunty, where are you?

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

This is sugar one.

Over.

And out.

I got him.

I got him, I got him.

Well, I think we better use pentathol.

Why don't you just wring his neck?

Dr. Shapiro?

Dr. Shapiro, we've isolated the virus.

Hold off another section.

It's from a pigeon brain.

Which one?

The female from St. Bartholomew's church.

They finally had him cornered.

Now they had to find the chemical

that would knock him out.

They hit him with everything known

to medical science,

but he was a real champ.

He took their best punches

and kept smiling.

Then they ganged up on him with combinations,

and he still stayed on his feet.

Finally, they brought in two heavyweights,

an 8-aminoquinoline derivative

and a thiosemicarbazone.

When they got together, it was no contest,

it was a one-punch fight.

The virus went down for the count,

he was through, washed up.

He'd never fight again.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Those are very kind words.

But no, uh,

a testimonial dinner isn't necessary.

I will, sir.

Thank you and goodbye, sir.

Now, where the hell were we?

Okay, we've got the junk that'll cure it,

but this isn't enough to take care of staten island.

Well, fortunately, this combination of chemicals

- is produced commercially. - Good.

And the pharmaceutical houses have assured me

- of an unlimited supply. - Okay.

It'll be expensive,

but they're giving it to us at cost.

After all, their sales of tranquilizers

and sleeping spills are off 86%.

Listen, if you need money,

I can get the president to declare New York

a disaster area.

Federal funds won't be necessary.

The, uh, tobacco and liquor industry

have given us an emergency Grant

of, uh,

10 million.

Repeat.

Pass an ordinance so that everybody in New York

has to take a shot of this stuff.

Oh, uh, one step at a time, Mr. Monroe.

It, uh, it worked on the laboratory animals

and the toucan,

but we don't know if it'll be effective on humans.

We'll have to run some tests,

preferably on someone who got the virus directly

- from the bird. - Oh, well, that's no problem.

We, uh, still have those Greek sailors

in quarantine, haven't we?

Illegal, you cannot experiment on foreign citizens

without the consent of their government.

All right.

What about those two Cuban spies

we had down there?

We've kept a tail on them, haven't you?

However they're being married

this afternoon, they're, uh,

spending the night at the...

This savoy towers, room 1243.

See, I've got a pipeline with the manager,

and he used to be with the CIA.

Good. Get the stuff, and when they're not looking,

have the managerjab them in their rump...

Illegal.

All right.

Slip it in their food, then.

Illegal.

- Oh, please. - Now, Mr. Monroe.

I, uh, I don't know about the legality,

but I know an easier way.

By inhalation.

It worked successfully on some of the animals.

We merely, uh,

put some of the chemical in the aerosol

- and spray the room. - Illegal.

Don't tell me it's illegal

to spray a bedroom on a wedding night.

I did it myself.

Lily-of-the-valley, my third wife.

Uh, we only have one more problem.

My staff and I have to observe the reactions

of the patients during the recuperative period.

All right, we plant a camera and a mic,

and don't tell me that's illegal,

because I've done that myself.

To get the goods on my second wife.

Illegal?

Not unless it's used as evidence in court.

All right,

you take it from here, Brady.

They're in room, um...

- Twelve-forty-three. - Twelve-forty-three.

Mr. Monroe,

we don't go in for that sort of thing.

Never have.

But I understand it can be done.

If you wanna bug a room,

all you do is plant

a little shortwave gizmo like this.

Slap it under a table,

chair, bed,

anything.

Relay truck picks it up.

You can be miles away,

and hear them talking in whispers.

Uh, uh, at least

that's what they tell me.

And I've heard of a new midget TV camera

you can hide in a room.

A beauty,

works like a charm.

Gives you a full view

of the room.

The air-conditioning outlet

is a good place to hide it.

Testing video.

Testing video, testing video.

Um, we wanna see,

um, more of the bed.

Pan it to the left.

Okay.

Move it over to the right.

More.

Oop, too much.

There.

Right.

Video's clear.

Lock in that position.

Put in the blacks and the grid.

Open the grid.

No, a little more.

Oh, that's right.

Spray it.

Yeah, okay.

Well, the president is very pleased.

And if this stuff works on these Cuban spies,

we'll be able to set up inoculation centers.

These people are happy. They won't take the shots.

And they'll probably start a movement to recall me.

No, no, no, we've got to devise some way

for them to get it without their knowing it.

Oh, good, you're just in time.

Uh, she's in bed and they're drinking champagne.

You're worried.

It's been a wonderful dream.

It can't last forever.

I detect a slight depression.

It's too early for the chemotherapy

to take effect.

Just the normal doubts of happiness.

The virus is bound to wear off sometime.

Of course it will, darling.

But it's been more than a dream.

It's been a new life for us.

And no matter what happens,

we've got to remember that and cling to it.

What did you put in that spray?

Saccharine?

Someone once said that if the stars came out

only once in a thousand years,

men would look at them differently.

Are you sure this is the right channel?

It sounds like a soap opera to me.

We have been warmed by the glow of kindness

and laughter,

touched by goodness

in humanity.

We felt compassion and love.

We finally seen the glory

of the stars.

And love is what makes

the world go round.

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

If my wife talked to me like that,

I'd smack her in the mouth.

A sentimental, yes.

But that's healthy.

Unfortunately, most people repress tenderness,

suffocate it with cynicism

- that will... - Let me tell you something.

Our glorious and dynamic country

did not get that way

by the glow of kindness

and laughter, no, sir.

It was built by competition.

Repeat, competition.

The survival of the fittest.

During the gold rush,

men beat each other's brains out with pick axes.

And because of that

the great state of California was born.

What is wrong with you?

Oh, uh, I was just trying to see.

It's, uh, getting interesting.

If they had a series like this on TV,

wow.

Shapiro, I thought you said

that stuff was gonna make him mean and irritable.

Well, in a situation such as this,

spray or no spray,

you can hardly expect him to kick her out of bed.

Well, I guess we can all use a little sleep.

Oh, um, uh, but the sound is on.

We can... we can still hear them.

What, uh, what are you?

Uh, a listening Tom?

All right. You stay and call us

if anything happens.

Murgatroyd, when I say anything,

I don't mean anything.

I wanna come back and see a normal average couple,

screaming and yelling at each other, check?

- Check. - Check.

Mayor, I'm disappointed

in the results.

Oh, darling.

I love you so.

[Love you.

[Love you.

Pete.

Murgatroyd.

Oh, murgatroyd.

Come up.

It's, uh...

You frightened me.

Where'd he go?

He's gone.

Brilliant. Did you figure that out for yourself?

Asleep at your post, eh?

Do you know that if this were wartime,

you could be shot?

Shot.

Good morning, darling.

I didn't hear you...

I couldn't sleep.

Went out for coffee and cigarettes.

Room service is probably open.

- I'll order breakfast. - Never mind.

I don't want any.

Oh, but Pete, you really should eat something.

Don't bug me.

Well, he's back to normal.

It worked, doc.

About her, she doesn't seem to have changed a bit.

Yeah, she's probably one of the fifty percent

who never had it in the first place.

Don't ask me to go back.

Remember what we had.

Remember it. Cling to it.

You're kidding yourself.

Hinklemeyer is right.

You talk about goodness and kindness.

Read the front page and try and find some.

Pete, I can't go back.

I couldn't live that kind of life ever again.

Okay.

You drink your poison

and I'll drink mine.

There's no doubt about him.

That was certainly a positive reaction.

Now, how we gonna give it

to the rest of the people?

We can't spray every bedroom in New York.

I've been experimenting with a method.

I'm positive it'll work

if you'll all just follow me.

Yeah.

And so you see I've blended the 8 amino

tile semicarbazone

with gasoline.

And the curative chemical

has not deteriorated in any way.

Excellent. Excellent.

- Will it work, doc? - Well,

I've examined all the test slides

and the potency factor remains constant.

Fowler,

what about diesel oil and jet fuel?

I've tested it with all petroleum products.

Beautiful.

Repeat, beautiful.

Mr. Mayor, they'll just breathe it in

with the rest of the smog.

Illegal. There's an ordinance

against polluting the air.

Polluted?

Do you know what's in the air already?

Carbon monoxide, uh...

Sulfur oxides, hydrocarbons,

nitrogen dioxides, benzopyrene,

nitric oxide, radioactive fallout.

Thank you. You hear the garbage we're breathing?

And you're worried that I'm gonna pollute the air?

Who knows? I might be improving it.

That's it. I'm improving it. Mr. Mayor,

I want you to call all the oil companies

and make the necessary arrangements.

I want every taxi, bus,

truck, plane,

and factory that starts spewing this stuff.

Now, let's get to it.

Of course, none of the people who had the virus

knew they were inhaling the cure for it.

The air they were breathing

seemed just the same as usual.

In less than 24 hours,

New York was back to normal.

Don't.

All right. Mac, make up your mind.

Twenty-eight dollars a day,

take it or leave it.

You -don't tell me that,

I'm -nyet.

Nyet.

Bolton, greely, and sealy.

Good morning.

Of course, there were some

who didn't change back.

They clung to the illusion that life was good.

- Good morning. - It got to be a habit.

Good morning.

But they were in the minority.

Inter-dependence,

the ultimate hypocrisy

is the false hope

that degrades the human organism

and makes a mockery

of existence.

Consequently,

happiness is an illusion.

It was good to be back where I belonged.

Doing what I wanted to do.

When I wanted to do it.

Back with people who knew that futility of life

and the absurdity and striving.

What does that mean to you?

That aloneness

is the only companionship

we can hope to attain.

Yes, no phony dreams.

No square cage.

No treadmill.

J“ what's so wrong j“

j“ with somebody caring j“

j“ dreaming j“

j“ loving, and sharing? J“

j“ what's so bad about... j“

no responsibilities.

No emotional involvements.

Well I guess this is it, amigo.

See, I just got time

to catch the plane.

Goodbye.

Oh, don't feel sad.

Oh, don't look at me that way.

I feel just as bad as you do.

Well, goodbye, amigo.

What's the matter with you, amigo?

Huh?

Amigo? Amigo?

Amigo?

Liz?

Liz.

Pete.

Pete, we better hurry.

Hey, lady. Don't worry.

We'll get you to hospital right away.

Emergency maternity, call in.

Oh, no.

Pete, not again.

Hey, lady? What?

J“ oh, the world j“

j“ may not be perfect yet j“

j“ still the only way j“

j“ it's gonna get j“

j“ any better j“

j“ lsifwetry j“

j“ so come and kiss me j“

j“ let's get it started j“

j“ together warm and light-hearted j“

j“ we'll enjoy life j“

j“ the way we should j“

j“and tell me j“

j“ what's so bad j“

j“ tell me what's so bad j“

j“about feeling good? J“