All language subtitles for VX 24 XXX An Axel Braun Parody

The following takes place between 8 p
.m.

and sometime Thursday morning.

Events occur in Pacific time.

Right now, I just buried my wife, who
was murdered by my ex -lover.

My daughter is annoying the hell out of
me, and the Dodgers are losing in the

seventh. I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer,
and this...

It's the longest day of my life.

God, remember how much Mom hated flying?

Of course I do, sweetheart.

She was always, like, super scared of
terrorists.

I know, Ken.

It's really ironical, don't you think?

I mean, you were banging that twat who
turned out to be a spy and killed her in

your office.

Just watch your language, honey.

Okay?

Seems like everybody's always got to use
the bathroom at the same time, doesn't

it?

Yeah, sometimes it does.

Are you from L .A.? Yeah, but I travel a
lot. I'm a news reporter.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

It's not really.

Well, I'm a realtor, so to me it does.

Mandy. Oh, Phillip. Nice to meet you.

Please, go ahead.

It looks like there's room in there for
both of us.

I mean, it's like...

Totally your fault, Dad, because maybe
if you weren't banging that tramp Nina,

you would have actually noticed that she
was a double agent or whatever.

You're probably right, sweetheart.

We should.

Yeah. Why don't you leave first? So, you
know, not to be suspicious while I get

dressed.

Thank you.

Hi.

Can I help you? Yeah.

Actually, I found this on the floor. I
thought maybe you could make an

announcement or something.

My phone just died.

There's death all around me, and nobody
cares.

Don't get so worked up, Kim.

It's all gonna be okay.

Whatever.

The Skywaters hasn't been around in,
like, forever.

So, I need coffee.

Damn it.

Oh, hey.

Do you have anything that doesn't taste
like sewage?

You know, I could really go for a
vanilla caramel frap.

No fat, of course.

Hello?

Excuse me.

Oh my god, are you drunk?

Hello?

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Dad, Dad, I need you to come to the back
with me right now.

Kim, honey, I know you're upset.

No, Dad, you don't understand.
Something's wrong on this plane. Please,

You've been through a lot, sweetheart.

Dad, you don't understand.

The flight attendant's dead.

What?

I'm a federal agent. I need everybody
back to their seats and remain calm.

We're running out of time. I will land
this plane safely.

You took me, honey. You'll be fine.

Central Land Marshal, get back to your
seat. Stand down. I've got this.

Who

the

hell are you?

My name is Stack Bauer.

I'm a federal agent with a counter
-terrorist unit in Los Angeles.

Well, you just shot my cap, you idiot.

That's not important.

I need you to land this plane now.

We're on approach, LAX.

We'll never make it, LAX. It's only four
miles away. Listen to me. We're running

out of time.

I need you to set this son of a bitch
down on the 405 now.

In the middle of rush hour?

I'm going to set this goddamn plane down
now or I will. Go to hell!

Almeida. Tony, it's Jack.

I need you to set up a perimeter around
the plane I just landed on the 405.

And make sure you question everyone.

What? A plane on the 405?

Has anyone hurt?

A couple of hundred motorists, the
pilots are dead, but the passengers are

I don't have time to explain this right
now.

I need you to cross -reference the
passenger manifest with all the names on

watch list.

Jack, I need a full... Damn it, Tony,
just do it!

Chloe,

I need you to pull the passenger
manifest from Windsor 114.

It's a flight out of D .C.

I'm about to raid Bethune, so this
better be important.

I need you to pull up the I .D. from the
flight and run them through facial

recognition.

And I need it an hour ago.

Then you should have asked me an hour
ago.

We're in an active code here, Chloe.

We don't have time for your personality
disorder, alright?

Whatever. Gotta hit.

Successful assassin.

Mandy.

That's me, man.

No last name.

Was romantically linked with Barry
Manilow.

Oh, my God.

I know, right?

Close.

We've got to tell Jack.

You okay?

It's my hour.

Jack, we've got a lead. Look like that
bomb may have been meant for you.

I knew it!

Upload the info to my PDA.

Jack, look, we need to come in and get
to brief before it can all arrive. Tony,

I'm taking Kim to a very important party
that she almost missed.

Because I landed too short.

And then I'm coming in. You have my
word.

Where'd you get the car?

I stole it.

I'll explain later.

Gotta go.

Bower's dead.

If I had a dime for every time Jack's
been dead, I don't miss Nina.

Here are your press credentials.

All good?

Very good.

Did you get everything you wanted?

Not quite.

Such a good girl.

Thank you.

Fuck it.

I love you.

Fucking fake.

Fucking good.

Bauer's alive?

What? I never miss.

The last time for everything.

Oh, Mandy.

You came and you gave without taking.

Chloe, I need a status report.

Me too.

Mason to worry about right now. What's
going on, Chloe? Don't make me bullring,

Jack. You don't want to go there with
me, Tony.

Don't make me use my other voice.

Knock it off before somebody ends up
tied to a chair.

Again.

There was a political reporter named
Philip Haysburg on the flight.

He's scheduled to interview President
Palmer tomorrow.

Oh, my God.

Someone is trying to assassinate the
president.

Again? Wait, who?

I'm not sure.

Guys, look at this.

Taken two weeks ago in a Michael Bolton
concert.

I should have known.

It's your ex -girlfriend.

She was never my girlfriend.

We just had dinner.

And that's after you broke up with her.

I never screwed her.

Sorry.

You're a liar.

Get me the president in the line now!

Damn!

Hey, yo, you better get your bread up if
you want a piece of this.

This man is pinched!

Bummer. It's Bauer.

Oh, Jack, listen, I'm sorry I missed
your wife's funeral.

Snoop and I, we had this event to attend
to, and... I understand, Mr. President.

I can't go into detail, but we believe
that Nina Myers is plotting to

assassinate you.

Again?

Look, Jack, I really don't think... With
all due respect, Mr. President, I don't

give a damn what you think. This is
happening right now. We need you to stay

where you are. I will be right there,
sir.

David? Jack Bauer says someone's going
to crew my ass.

Honey, again?

Yeah, for shizzle. I don't know what
he'd be tripping for.

He says I got to stay put. He's going to
lay the smack down.

You know what that bucket can do.

Well, then you might as well stay here.

I'll keep you entertained.

Oh, baby.

I'm going to miss the party.

Is anybody home?

Janet, where the fuck are you?

Nobody's here and this house is fucking
disgusting.

Call me back, whore.

Hello, is someone here?

Oh, fuck.

Hmm, so you're here for the party too,
huh?

Yeah, but what the fuck? Where is
everyone?

Looks like I already got the memo, but
you and Flick Rick over here. Alright.

Fucking moron. Come on, man.

How am I supposed to know?

Well, lame.

So, like, where's the party?

Well, that depends.

Well, there's a fucking party right
here.

Ew.

Oh.

What?

oh my god

um um

Oh,

God.

Who's gonna fuck me first?

Yeah, I mean, I'll be a bitch and you're
a butler.

You first.

Oh shit.

How's that feel?

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Oh my goodness!

Oh my goodness.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, man.

um um

um um

Oh, God.

oh

Fuck, kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss
kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss

Oh my god.

Oh,

Lord.

Oh, my God.

oh

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe you killed my boyfriend,
you crazy bitch.

What? These two?

Which one's your boyfriend?

That one.

The cute one.

Rick?

Or... Dan?

You guys really had a connection.

Jack Bauer is the smartest man I know,
and you... Don't talk about my dad,

because when he finds you... He's going
to kill you and torture you in that

order.

I imagine we're going to be doing
something else.

Oh, TMI.

No.

It was beautiful.

Your father was the best sex I've ever
had in my life.

Bitter.

hateful and violent.

Just the way love should be.

Ugh, this is like the torture part,
right?

I've got something for you.

I just asked for your identification.

I know this man, Agent Goulet.

Stand down.

Yes, ma 'am.

Mrs. Palmer, where's the president?

I tried to keep him here, Jack, but he
was on the phone with Mr. Combs and...

Damn it!

Could you believe that he'd rather go to
some sleazy rapper's party than get a

piece of it?

Chloe, it's Jack.

Hi, Jack.

What do you need?

You know I'll do anything for you,
right?

Even though no one can really figure out
why.

But whatever.

Chloe, listen to me. I'm going to ask
you to do something for me. And you're

going to like it.

Yeah, of course, Jack. Anything.

Okay.

Chloe, I need you to hack into the
President's personal phone records.

And... Do I have your attention now?

Mm -hmm.

Chloe, I'm going dark.

I'll call you in 30.

You have no idea how far I'm willing to
go to protect the presidency.

Thank you.

great blowjob.

Mm -hmm.

Oh.

Oh, I want it so bad.

Yes.

escaping. This girl got around.

Jack, you gotta come in. Every law
enforcement agency in the state is

for you.

The Chinese, too.

Tell Tony I'm coming in, but to stay the
hell out of my way.

He's coming in now, and stay the hell
out of his way, you snotty, pencil

-pushing, arrogant prick.

Nice touch.

Thank you. It's about our... Jack, I
always thought you loved your family.

At least what's left of it. Don't push
it, Nina.

I don't need another reason to put a
bullet in your brain.

If you don't do what I tell you to,
you're going to get one anyway.

Touch one hair on my daughter's head and
I will make you die with more pain than

you have ever imagined.

He's pissed.

Sweet talker.

I haven't hurt her yet.

You know the little game we used to play
with my wet panties?

Ken's playing it now.

What do you want?

I want you out of the way so I can
finish my business with Palmer.

Head to Vegas, and I'll give you
instructions to find your little

offspring there.

That's kind of hot.

Sorry.

That's not going to save you now, is it?

Talk to me, Tony.

Throttle back here.

You can't just barge in here and start
throwing your weight around.

Showing off for your wife isn't going to
make your dick any bigger.

It might.

Shut up.

Damn it.

This is Kim we're talking about.

You're too close to this, Jack.

Michelle's right.

You're a liability.

What's your primary objective?

You do not want to go down this road
with me, Tony. Trust me.

Just because you two fell for the same
traitorous skank doesn't mean you need

take it out on each other.

Fine.

Just don't come to me when this blows up
in your face.

Alright?

No, that's what she said.

Show me what you've got.

Vegas was the key.

Here she is photographed with Ron Jeremy
at a convention two years ago. I

remember. She was doing blowbangs
undercover.

Went by the name of Flip Shagwell.

Posed as a British girl.

Ta -da.

Yeah, it's thin, but it's all we got.

Bring him in.

He's already here.

Interrogation room number two.

Hold my mirth.

I'm gonna have a talk with him.

A man to hedgehog.

This way.

What's going on?

Who are you people? Can I call my
lawyer?

You'd do better calling a priest.

I'm Jewish, jackass.

And a bishop, whatever.

Point is, you're going to tell me
everything that I want to know about

Myers, or I'm going to hurt you, and
nobody is going to be able to stop me.

Okay, Nina Myers.

Is she an actress?

Does she have an agent, a manager? Does
she do anal? You're going to tell me

everything that I want to know or my
voice is going to become very

Your voice already is very unpleasant.

Look, you know who the fuck I know. I
hang out at the Rainbow Barn Grill. I

rock stars. I fuck 4 ,000 women. My name
is on bottles of rum and I can suck my

own dick.

Something like that.

You probably don't think that I can take
this length of towel and stick it down

your throat.

I'd like to tell you that I forgive you
for being all hung up on that psychotic,

murdering double agent.

But, I'd be lying.

I'm not hung up on Nia Myers, right?

We just had dinner, that's all.

I don't know why no one will believe me
when nothing happened.

Because if I had gotten my hands on that
woman, I would have screwed her until

her eyes changed color.

Did the hedgehog talk?

Of course he did. It's Jack.

Gave him some address of the house that
they shoot porn at in the valley.

Well, I hope he makes it in time.

You know, I was unfairly harsh to you
earlier today.

I didn't mean anything by it.

All right.

Apology accepted.

It wasn't an apology.

Just an observation.

Drop it, Nina.

I knew you wouldn't keep your word.

I knew you knew.

I knew you knew I knew.

Damn it.

Of course they are.

You kept.

For this moment, right here.

That's sick.

You love it.

I may have loved fucking you, Nina, but
it doesn't mean I... I'm gonna love

killing you!

Make one sound and I'll rip your tongue
out of your mouth.

There are people dying in this great
country and I need answers.

Are you gonna give them to me or am I
gonna have to start hurting you?

You're hurting me now.

I'm not.

You hit like a girl.

When I'm done with you, you're going to
wish that you felt this good again.

Promises, promises.

Oh, Jack, why do you take everything so
personal?

You're so pretty personal when you
killed my wife.

I'm going to need a hack doll.

It's all calmed down, right?

He has been pretty helpful so far.

That's BS, Tony, and we're running out
of time.

Just received intel that there's a
canister of nerve gas ready to blow up

populated area.

Where are the detonators?

What detonators? The canister, then.
Whatever.

You don't want to try me, Nina.

You're right.

I've tried you.

I prefer something with a little bit
more... spice.

What are you talking about?

Belly. You want the nerve gas?

Fine. I want full immunity, presidential
pardon, and ten million dollars in

cash.

And a good lay.

You're insane.

It's never gonna happen.

Then, poof!

Jack, let me talk to you.

Don't let her get to you. Let me handle
this.

Tony, you don't understand.

She's a sexual destroyer of the world.

And her mouth is like a wet vacuum.

Jack,

Chloe's asking for you.

Not now.

She says it's urgent.

Damn it!

Are we still negotiating?

I think I found the bomb.

What bomb?

The nerve gas.

Whatever. I pulled up the GPS info off
her phone and I triangulated the

coordinates with the whereabouts of the
last two days.

Looks like she rented a truck and...
Send the coordinates to my PDA.

Yes, Jack.

So good.

Michelle, we were just discussing the
negotiation protocol.

Good cop?

That was so good.

Do you like to play?

Oh, I like to share too.

Oh.

I can live on this day.

Yeah.

It's fucking good.

Sophia, talk to me.

It would be big.

Is there a dumpster? Check the dumpster.

Got it.

I'm going to put you on speaker.

Damn it. There's only a minute left.

I'm looking at the diagrams now. Is
there a red wire?

Yes, red.

Okay. Don't cut that one.

It's useless.

Actually, I don't even know why they put
that there. Chloe!

Hold on.

I'm downloading new schematics.

Damn it! We're running out of time!

Okay. White wire.

There's three!

Well, yeah. If you had let me finish my
story, you would know that during the

Pentagon crisis, when I was still at CTU
Washington, you defused a bomb that not

only had a red wire that was useless,
But it also has three white wires, which

is highly unusual.

I remember one day talking about it with
my ex -husband when we were watching a

really boring movie and... Chloe!

Fine. Is there a black wire?

Yes, black.

Cut it.

Okay.

Thanks, Chloe. You're the best.

No social skills whatsoever, but the
best.

I know. And whatever.

Jack, Nina gave up the position of the
nerve gap. I just neutralized it. We

know. Whatever you do, do not let her
go.

It's too late, Jack.

What? What?

She's gone.

This was the president's room, where the
tenorism did it to keep her out of the

book.

It's all over.

I'm not.

I cannot believe you just let her go.

It was the president's call, Chloe.
Alright?

Palmer is supposed to be Jack's friend.

This is business, Chloe.

Jack will get over it.

But I won't.

I will never understand her loyalty to
Jack Fowler.

He's supposed to be... Jack and Chloe?

None of this.

I think he's a lesbian.

Now I'm done talking to you.

You've read my file.

First... I'm going to move to your
right.

I'm going to take it.

And then I'm going to go to your left
side. And I'm going to take that out

And then I'm going to go to work.

And I'm going to keep working on you
until I get the information that I need.

Got that?

Do you understand me?

Wasting your time.

You better trust me.

I'm going to torture you until you give
me the info I need for my spider web.

You're going to give up the info.

After I pick this up.

After I untie that one.

Now you're going to tell me what I need,
or else I'm going to do something

really drastic.

Like what?

Stuff.

Interrogation stuff, damn it!

You think I'll break?

You better tell me what you want.

Or else...

I'll

get the answers out of you.

You'll get something out of me.

It's gonna take more than this.

I'll do whatever I can to get the
answers out of you.

It's gonna come with a big price.

I don't know what that means, but okay.

You expect me to talk?

Keep talking. Keep fucking talking.

Damn it.

far you're willing to go.

Thank you.

It cost you more than this.

It cost you that secret safe place
between your leg.

You'll never get to my secret safe bay.

I feel myself weakening.

You got skills.

I learned my interrogation skills from
the best.

Oh, fuck.

You got me?

Don't you fucking turn me on.

you

going to cost you this.

You will have to pay that price.

Thank you.

for a code word.

You always look for a fact.

ways of making you come

You want to come?