Original subtitles

* Men.

Man, I love German cars.

Well, if you keep your nose clean and work hard,

someday you'll be able to park them for a living.

Excellent.

Why is my ass getting hot?

You turned on the seat warmer.

Oh, good.

I was afraid I had another case of swamp ass.

Another case?

Yeah, it happens every year around this time.

Only thing that helps it is aloe vera and Vaseline.

I see.

Half a tube of each, right in the crack.

It's like squirting ketchup and mustard into a hot dog bun.

Uh-huh.

Then you, like, mash the sides together.

Enough.

Sorry.

You hungry?

I'm getting hungry.

I may never eat again.

Yellow light.

I'm slowing down.

No, no, no, gun it, gun it!

Man, this thing is a rocket ship.

Okay, okay, now you can slow down.

(siren whooping)

Should I run for it?

What are you, crazy?

Pull over.

You told me to run the light.

My dad's gonna kill me.

Calm down; he's not gonna kill you.

How can I calm down? I just got my license,

and now I'm gonna lose it!

All right, all right.

Switch places with me.

What?

Just do it.

And give me your hat.

You want my lucky hat?

Yeah. I want to share in your good fortune.

Evening, Officer.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hey. Where have you guys been?

Van Nuys.

What were you doing in Van Nuys?

That's where the jail is.

What?

I got arrested.

You're kidding. What for?

Apparently, I ran a red light at 64 miles an hour.

And I was in the passenger seat.

Yes, I was driving,

therefore you were in the passenger seat.

Anyway, it turns out

I had a couple of unpaid parking tickets.

Seventeen.

Thank you.

They arrested you for unpaid parking tickets?

Well, there was also a bench warrant

when I didn't show up in court.

Well, how could you not show up in court?

Don't they send you a summons?

Lots of them, but I threw them away.

I thought they were for jury duty.

Long story short, when I didn't show up,

they suspended my license.

And I was in the passenger seat.

So you were driving with a suspended license?

Only for a couple of years.

Luckily though, my license was fine,

so when they took him to the police station,

I followed in the Mercedes.

By the way,

I reset all your radio stations to good stuff.

I'd like to be alone now, Jake.

Understandable.

You've been through a lot.

By the way, if you need anyone to drive you to the movies

or the mall or a strip club, I'm available.

Appreciate it.

And you can just relax in the passenger seat,

like I did earlier today.

Get out!

Listen, I am sorry that you lost your license,

but I would be remiss if I did not point out

what a bad example you're setting for Jake.

Not now, Alan.

That young man looks up to you.

And when he sees you blatantly disregard the rules of the road,

he's more likely to do it himself.

(sighs)

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

Are you really?

Or you just saying the words?

Uh, don't walk away when I am talking to you.

I'm gonna count to three, Alan.

Oh, that's mature. Three.

(punch lands) ALAN: Ow!

Where was one and two?

(two punches land) Ow! Ow!

* Men.

Hey.

Hey.

You know I was just trying to show concern for my son.

I do.

And you know I was just trying to cause

severe nerve damage to your shoulder.

I do.

You know, we should maybe

come up with some kind of safe word.

Like "pumpernickel."

Sure, whatever.

You know, until you get your license back,

you can count on me to drive you wherever you need to go.

Thanks.

Of course, during the week, I'm working.

I know.

And, uh, and Monday nights, I'm at the senior center.

What the hell are you doing at the senior center?

Free pilates class.

(scoffs)

They don't even check IDs.

Uh, Tuesdays and Thursday nights,

they have water aerobics, uh, Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop,

and, uh, Friday is movie night.

This week is Cocoon.

Again.

And of course on Saturday, you know, I need to power down,

and, uh, Saturday night...

(knocks on table)

maybe a date.

(chuckles)

You're calling those magazines dates now?

(laughs)

(makes whoosh, pop noises)

(laughs)

But, hey, any other time

you need a ride, I'm your man.

Wonderful.

Sunday is usually good.

Uh-huh.

Not this Sunday though; I got a little thing.

I know, but what does that have to do with Sunday?

(chuckles)

Cute, cute.

Um, you know, actually,

I've been meaning to talk to you about this,

but, um, I was waiting for the right time.

Are you...

(knocks on table)

moving out?

(laughs)

No. But that never ceases to be amusing.

Um, anyhoo, turns out,

I was invited to Chelsea's birthday party.

What?

Yeah, well, you know, when she was living here,

we were friends, and we've remained friends.

She invited you to her birthday party?

I won't go if you don't want me to.

I don't want you to.

Okay.

Asked and answered.

Done and done.

I did buy her a lovely scarf.

Will it support your weight from a shower rod?

(laughs)

Classic.

(laughs)

Of course, it might be a little awkward if I don't show.

Why is that?

I volunteered to bring the ice.

Is that why you've been filling Ziploc bags

with my ice cubes all week?

It's exactly the same ice as the kind you have to pay for,

sans the fancy polar bear label.

I'm not gonna say this again, Alan.

I do not want you hanging out with my ex-fiancée.

I hear you, loud and clear.

It's just so rare I get to socialize

with people my own age.

What, there's no free nooky night at the senior center?

(forced chuckle)

(makes whoosh, bang noises)

(laughs)

Okay, okay, what if I just go for cocktails and skip dinner?

Three? Three.

* Men.

Alan, wake up.

Pumpernickel!

You got to go to Chelsea's party.

Uh, okay.

If you don't go, she's gonna know I told you not to.

That's possible.

It's a sure thing.

She knows you never pass up a free meal.

That's not true.

How many birthdays have you had at Denny's this year?

All right.

So you got to go to the party

and let her know that I'm doing just fine without her.

Okay.

But you got to be cool about it.

You know, like in passing.

Sure, sure. Uh, how's this?

Uh, hey, Chelsea, happy birthday.

Charlie's doing fine without you

and never wanders around the house in the middle of the night

with a drink in his hand.

Alan.

Yeah? You need teeth

to say "pumpernickel."

Got it.

* Men.

Oh.

Alan, hi.

I hope I'm not here early.

The, uh, the invite said 8:00.

And, uh, 8:00 it is.

Come on in.

Who is this?

That's how you greet a guest?

"Who is this?"

Okay. Who are you and what the hell

you doing here so freaking early?

This is Alan, Charlie's brother.

Oh.

Alan, I'm Ed.

Heard a lot about you.

Oh, heard a lot about you, too.

You know, uh, you being in the Navy with Tom and, uh,

you guys keeping in touch, even though you were both married.

And, uh, now you're reunited.

(chuckles)

Great song.

(chuckles)

* Reunited and feels so good.

So where's the birthday girl?

Taking a shower.

(groans) Women, huh?

(chuckles): Always running late.

Bet you don't miss that.

I brought the ice.

Oh!

(sighs)

I guess the bottom got wet. You know how that is.

I mean, because, you know, it happens to everybody,

not because you're gay.

(quietly): And I thought you were exaggerating.

(chuckles)

And remember, looky, no touchy.

* Men.

What's that?

A birthday present for Chelsea.

But you guys broke up.

Yeah, well, I bought it a couple of months ago.

Why? 'Cause I thought

that's when her birthday was.

Turns out, I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.

Are those real diamonds?

Yep.

Burn.

What?

You could've saved a lot of money with Cuban zirconium.

Cuban zirconium?

Yeah.

Yeah. The girls can't tell

'cause it's just as sparkly as a diamond,

and it's cheap 'cause it's from Cuba.

Good Lord, you're an idiot.

Hey, I'm not the one who wasted a bunch of money

on a bracelet for a girl who dumped me.

It's not a waste.

I'm still going to give it to her.

In fact...

come on, you're driving me to Chelsea's.

Did it occur to you that I might have plans?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you have plans?

No, but there's a principle involved.

I'm just saying, there's a right way,

and there's a wrong way.

* Men.

* Men.

You need any condoms?

No. Do you?

No. I got a buttload.

A buttload, huh?

You may need to read the instructions more carefully.

I don't get it.

W-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Have you used any of them yet?

Yeah, sure.

For sex?

Oh. Um, no.

For water balloons.

Well, keep a few in reserve,

'cause you're not really breeding stock.

So, what are you looking for?

Birthday card for Chelsea.

Oh. Good idea.

(chuckles) Look at this one.

Says, "I got you a birthday package."

And on the inside, it's a naked fat guy

with a hole for you to pop your finger through.

Mm, no.

Are you sure?

He really likes you.

Here we go.

"Wishing you all the dreams of your heart,

"all the love in the world

"and the beautiful day you deserve

for being so special."

That's not funny.

Not supposed to be funny.

Yeah, well, mission accomplished.

(snorts)

(chuckles) Look at this one.

It's an old lady with long banana boobs

and a dog looking at her.

And on the inside, it says, "How many were in your litter?"

That's not a birthday card.

It could be. Write "happy birthday" inside.

I need a real birthday card.

Okay.

Here's one with a puppy on it.

"For someone very special on her birthday.

Each day is a beautiful gift to enjoy."

That's pretty good.

Yeah, and then you could cut a hole

and pop your pinky through and give that dog a bone.

I can't help you if you're not going to work with me.

I'm really glad you came, Alan.

How could I not?

We're friends.

I know, but I was afraid it might be uncomfortable for you.

No, no. Don't be silly.

So, uh, that's it?

No dinner? Just finger foods?

Sorry.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I could never have enough prosciutto and melon.

Oh. Hey, that'd be a good name for a singing act.

Prosciutto and Melon.

"Ladies and gentlemen,

the song stylings of Prosciutto and Melon."

There's an open mic night at the senior center.

I'm going to use that.

Terrific.

So, how's he doing?

Who? Alan.

Oh, oh, Charlie.

Uh, uh, he's doing fine-- just fine.

Good, good.

In fact, he told me to tell you happy birthday.

Oh, that's nice. Tell him I said thanks.

I will.

And I'm sure he'd say, "You're welcome."

So, um, how are you doing?

And it's me asking, not Charlie.

Although I'm sure he'd be interested.

Not that I'd tell him, unless you want me to.

Do you want me to? Wait.

Tell me how you're doing first, and then we can decide.

I'm doing fine, Alan.

Good, good. Oh, so is Charlie.

Can we change the subject?

You're the one who brought it up, but sure.

You ever think about your dad and Ed having sex?

"Happy birthday, thinking of you."

(scoffs softly)

What's wrong with it?

It's, what to you call it, redumbnent.

Redumbnent?

Yeah. You got her a present and you got her a birthday card.

You're obviously thinking of her.

So saying you're thinking of her is redumbnent.

So if you act like a moron,

saying you're a moron would be redumbnent.

Now you're getting it.

Oh, buddy, you really shouldn't be walking around

without a helmet.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Why can't I go with you?

Because I'm just gonna give Chelsea the bracelet and leave.

Bring me back a piece of cake.

Corner with a flower would be nice.

(door opens)

What the hell are you doing?

Um...

checking for leaks?

Listen...

I need you to go up there and give Chelsea the present.

Why? Did you wuss out?

No, no, I just don't want to make a scene.

Here, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss.

Wuss, wuss, wuss...

(weakly): wuss... wuss...

Just take the bracelet, ring the doorbell,

say, "Happy birthday, this is from Uncle Charlie,"

and leave.

Can I get a piece of cake?

Fine, grab a piece of cake.

What if they haven't cut the cake yet? Can I hang out?

No. I'm not gonna sit here waiting for you.

Well, you don't really have choice.

You're not allowed to drive.

What are you saying?

Well, at the risk of being redumbnent,

I'm saying I'll be having cake.

I can't believe I'm being blackmailed by Forrest Gump.

Can I tell her you're waiting out here?

No! Are you nuts?

I was just thinking it'd be a good way to get a second piece of cake.

Get out of here!

(sigh) Run, Forrest, run.

What if I meet a cute girl up there?

Would you mind walking home?

Jake, I swear to God,

do not make me get out of this car.

Excuse me, let's not forget who's doing who a favor here.

Go.

Yes, sir.

Extra large?

Yeah, maybe if he wears it as a lucky hat.

So, what about the blonde?

Is she single?

Yeah, but she's a little crazy.

Mm, not a deal breaker.

The well-adjusted ones generally won't come near me.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Uncle Charlie wanted me to give Chelsea this birthday present.

Here.

So, have you cut the cake yet?

Uh, no.

We haven't even sung "Happy Birthday" yet.

Oh.

* Happy birthday

(others joining in): * To you

* Happy birthday

* To you

* Happy birthday

* Dear Chelsea

* Happy birthday

* To you.

WOMAN: Yay!

Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

Excuse me, I need to get some air.

Wasn't me-- I always claim 'em, you know that.

Come on, Skipper.

So, where's the cake?

(clicks on radio)

(changes station)

(changes station)

Aw, geez!

(flask clatters)

(engine starts)

(crashing)

Oh, this is not gonna end well.

Charlie?

Hey, Chels.

Happy birthday!

* Men...

* Men...

Hey, did I tell you Uncle Charlie's gonna pay me

to drive him back and forth to work?

Oh, that's nice.

CHARLIE (calls): I'm ready!

Yeah, I get to drive his car twice a day

for three to six months, depending on good behavior.

CHARLIE: Move it, numbnuts!

Smart money's on six.