Original subtitles

This week was a major milestone because

This week was a major milestone because

This week was a major milestone because Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I

Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I

Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I got to give him a hand. Literally, I

got to give him a hand. Literally, I

got to give him a hand. Literally, I think he needs a new hand cuz that

think he needs a new hand cuz that

think he needs a new hand cuz that hand's got one unopened pickle jar

hand's got one unopened pickle jar

hand's got one unopened pickle jar before it slides right off.

before it slides right off.

before it slides right off. So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress

So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress

So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress report. You know, what Donald Trump

report. You know, what Donald Trump

report. You know, what Donald Trump promised during the campaign versus what

promised during the campaign versus what

promised during the campaign versus what we got so far. We'll see how he grades

we got so far. We'll see how he grades

we got so far. We'll see how he grades out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus.

out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus.

out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus. Does that sound good to y'all?

Does that sound good to y'all?

Does that sound good to y'all? >> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't

>> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't

>> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't realize y'all were such fans. Let's

realize y'all were such fans. Let's

realize y'all were such fans. Let's start with maybe the biggest promise

start with maybe the biggest promise

start with maybe the biggest promise Trump made during the campaign.

Trump made during the campaign.

Trump made during the campaign. >> I'm telling you, you're going to become

>> I'm telling you, you're going to become

>> I'm telling you, you're going to become very rich. You're going to become rich

very rich. You're going to become rich

very rich. You're going to become rich as hell. You're not going to know what

as hell. You're not going to know what

as hell. You're not going to know what to do with the money.

to do with the money.

to do with the money. >> Yes, we will.

>> Yes, we will.

>> Yes, we will. It'll be 10,000 years before I run out

It'll be 10,000 years before I run out

It'll be 10,000 years before I run out of ideas for what to do with the money.

of ideas for what to do with the money.

of ideas for what to do with the money. You give me unlim unlimited money and I

You give me unlim unlimited money and I

You give me unlim unlimited money and I run out of ideas for how to spend it,

run out of ideas for how to spend it,

run out of ideas for how to spend it, I'll just start eating it. Americans

I'll just start eating it. Americans

I'll just start eating it. Americans will always figure out what to do with

will always figure out what to do with

will always figure out what to do with extra money. Have you ever seen how many

extra money. Have you ever seen how many

extra money. Have you ever seen how many Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't

Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't

Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't even drive over loose gravel. And I

even drive over loose gravel. And I

even drive over loose gravel. And I still see one every day. Now the

still see one every day. Now the

still see one every day. Now the question is, one year later, did Trump

question is, one year later, did Trump

question is, one year later, did Trump make us all rich? Considering your nana

make us all rich? Considering your nana

make us all rich? Considering your nana asked the whole family to subscribe to

asked the whole family to subscribe to

asked the whole family to subscribe to her Only Fan so she could pay the light

her Only Fan so she could pay the light

her Only Fan so she could pay the light bill, I would say no.

bill, I would say no.

bill, I would say no. If I'm being honest, I don't know

If I'm being honest, I don't know

If I'm being honest, I don't know anybody who's feeling richer. According

anybody who's feeling richer. According

anybody who's feeling richer. According to the New York Times, Trump has used

to the New York Times, Trump has used

to the New York Times, Trump has used the office of the presidency to pocket

the office of the presidency to pocket

the office of the presidency to pocket more than $1.4 billion for himself.

more than $1.4 billion for himself.

more than $1.4 billion for himself. >> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the

>> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the

>> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the president? That's so rich it makes every

president? That's so rich it makes every

president? That's so rich it makes every other president look stupid. Like, what

other president look stupid. Like, what

other president look stupid. Like, what was up with George Washington's wooden

was up with George Washington's wooden

was up with George Washington's wooden teeth?

teeth?

teeth? You broke You should have had

You broke You should have had

You broke You should have had them mers iced out.

them mers iced out.

them mers iced out. [laughter]

>> [cheering and applause]

>> [cheering and applause]

>> [cheering and applause] [laughter]

>> So, I'm going to say that promise was

>> So, I'm going to say that promise was

>> So, I'm going to say that promise was not kept, but you can't win them all.

not kept, but you can't win them all.

not kept, but you can't win them all. Let's look at another one.

Let's look at another one.

Let's look at another one. >> So, we're going to have more jobs than

>> So, we're going to have more jobs than

>> So, we're going to have more jobs than we we've ever had.

we we've ever had.

we we've ever had. >> You will have more jobs. We're going to

>> You will have more jobs. We're going to

>> You will have more jobs. We're going to create a lot of jobs. We will take in so

create a lot of jobs. We will take in so

create a lot of jobs. We will take in so many jobs, millions and millions of new

many jobs, millions and millions of new

many jobs, millions and millions of new jobs. We're going to do it like nobody

jobs. We're going to do it like nobody

jobs. We're going to do it like nobody else.

else.

else. >> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well,

>> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well,

>> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well, if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your

if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your

if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your nana is given to pay the electricity

nana is given to pay the electricity

nana is given to pay the electricity bill, then yes. Look, job growth across

bill, then yes. Look, job growth across

bill, then yes. Look, job growth across the country has actually been down. But

the country has actually been down. But

the country has actually been down. But there's one specific block of Washington

there's one specific block of Washington

there's one specific block of Washington DC where job growth is through the roof.

DC where job growth is through the roof.

DC where job growth is through the roof. >> President Trump of course serves as the

>> President Trump of course serves as the

>> President Trump of course serves as the chairman of the board of peace.

chairman of the board of peace.

chairman of the board of peace. >> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the

>> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the

>> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the LA Olympics task force.

LA Olympics task force.

LA Olympics task force. >> Trump is also the chairman of the

>> Trump is also the chairman of the

>> Trump is also the chairman of the Kennedy Center.

Kennedy Center.

Kennedy Center. >> For the first time ever, the president

>> For the first time ever, the president

>> For the first time ever, the president served as the onstage host of the annual

served as the onstage host of the annual

served as the onstage host of the annual honors event. touted himself as the

honors event. touted himself as the

honors event. touted himself as the acting president of Venezuela.

acting president of Venezuela.

acting president of Venezuela. >> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for

>> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for

>> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for Steve Harvey. All right.

Steve Harvey. All right.

Steve Harvey. All right. Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's

Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's

Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's basically AI with even moreed up hands.

basically AI with even moreed up hands.

basically AI with even moreed up hands. Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man

Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man

Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man needs hands.

needs hands.

needs hands. But this is crazy. Trump promised us

But this is crazy. Trump promised us

But this is crazy. Trump promised us riches, then he got rich. He promised us

riches, then he got rich. He promised us

riches, then he got rich. He promised us jobs, but then he got all the jobs.

jobs, but then he got all the jobs.

jobs, but then he got all the jobs. Wait, what if what if when we heard all

Wait, what if what if when we heard all

Wait, what if what if when we heard all of Trump's promises, we thought he was

of Trump's promises, we thought he was

of Trump's promises, we thought he was talking to us, but maybe he was just

talking to us, but maybe he was just

talking to us, but maybe he was just talking to himself. Because if you look

talking to himself. Because if you look

talking to himself. Because if you look at it that way, he might be keeping his

at it that way, he might be keeping his

at it that way, he might be keeping his promises.

promises.

promises. Like look at healthcare. He's been

Like look at healthcare. He's been

Like look at healthcare. He's been promising to improve healthcare for like

promising to improve healthcare for like

promising to improve healthcare for like a decade now. And things are so bad, the

a decade now. And things are so bad, the

a decade now. And things are so bad, the only healthcare most people can afford

only healthcare most people can afford

only healthcare most people can afford is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy

is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy

is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy tells a patient how to treat eczema.

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> But Donald Trump has more healthcare

>> But Donald Trump has more healthcare

>> But Donald Trump has more healthcare than he knows what to do with.

than he knows what to do with.

than he knows what to do with. >> President Trump says he has no idea

>> President Trump says he has no idea

>> President Trump says he has no idea which part of him doctors were looking

which part of him doctors were looking

which part of him doctors were looking at when he had an MRI in October.

at when he had an MRI in October.

at when he had an MRI in October. >> What part of your body was the MRI

>> What part of your body was the MRI

>> What part of your body was the MRI looking at?

looking at?

looking at? >> I have no idea.

>> I have no idea.

>> I have no idea. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] >> You have no idea. Are you getting so

>> You have no idea. Are you getting so

>> You have no idea. Are you getting so many MRIs they just blend together?

many MRIs they just blend together?

many MRIs they just blend together? Like, do you just get in tubes that

Like, do you just get in tubes that

Like, do you just get in tubes that people tell you to? I'm starting to

people tell you to? I'm starting to

people tell you to? I'm starting to think that if you got close enough to

think that if you got close enough to

think that if you got close enough to Trump, you could probably just give him

Trump, you could probably just give him

Trump, you could probably just give him a colonoscopy.

a colonoscopy.

a colonoscopy. This guy's presidency is going great for

This guy's presidency is going great for

This guy's presidency is going great for himself. Just look at free speech.

himself. Just look at free speech.

himself. Just look at free speech. >> We will restore free speech, and we need

>> We will restore free speech, and we need

>> We will restore free speech, and we need free speech in this country.

free speech in this country.

free speech in this country. >> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free

>> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free

>> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free speech. Not for you. They'll put you in

speech. Not for you. They'll put you in

speech. Not for you. They'll put you in jail just for posting memes. But Donald

jail just for posting memes. But Donald

jail just for posting memes. But Donald Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems

Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems

Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems like it's lost in the woods. She's a

like it's lost in the woods. She's a

like it's lost in the woods. She's a documentary. Yes.

documentary. Yes.

documentary. Yes. >> Only if you buy a Tesla.

>> Only if you buy a Tesla.

>> Only if you buy a Tesla. >> Uh, Abberian

>> Uh, Abberian

>> Uh, Abberian go null f. So it's goof. Is that a

go null f. So it's goof. Is that a

go null f. So it's goof. Is that a proper pronunciation?

proper pronunciation?

proper pronunciation? >> I would say Abraham, but it's so much

>> I would say Abraham, but it's so much

>> I would say Abraham, but it's so much nicer when you say Abraham said. Well,

nicer when you say Abraham said. Well,

nicer when you say Abraham said. Well, let's see how we say that.

let's see how we say that.

let's see how we say that. >> Acetamin

>> Acetamin

>> Acetamin pergoverious.

pergoverious.

pergoverious. [laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter] Pergo Verus

Pergo Verus

Pergo Verus >> as a linguist, translator, and

>> as a linguist, translator, and

>> as a linguist, translator, and cryptologic

cryptologic

cryptologic technician.

technician.

technician. >> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel

>> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel

>> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel like I'm having a medical event,

like I'm having a medical event,

like I'm having a medical event, which is especially bad because he

which is especially bad because he

which is especially bad because he didn't fix healthcare. But you know

didn't fix healthcare. But you know

didn't fix healthcare. But you know what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise

what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise

what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise isn't even about a specific policy. It

isn't even about a specific policy. It

isn't even about a specific policy. It was deeper and more meaningful.

was deeper and more meaningful.

was deeper and more meaningful. >> We're going to dream big again. We

>> We're going to dream big again. We

>> We're going to dream big again. We haven't been dreaming big at all.

haven't been dreaming big at all.

haven't been dreaming big at all. No, we haven't.

No, we haven't.

No, we haven't. >> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough

>> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough

>> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough for all of us.

for all of us.

for all of us. >> We're showing a picture now of Donald

>> We're showing a picture now of Donald

>> We're showing a picture now of Donald Trump with his eyes closed, battling to

Trump with his eyes closed, battling to

Trump with his eyes closed, battling to keep his eyes open, struggling to stay

keep his eyes open, struggling to stay

keep his eyes open, struggling to stay awake,

awake,

awake, >> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office

>> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office

>> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office today, appearing to nod off.

today, appearing to nod off.

today, appearing to nod off. >> He may have dozed off a few times.

>> He may have dozed off a few times.

>> He may have dozed off a few times. >> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right,

>> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right,

>> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right, that leave that poor man alone. He got

that leave that poor man alone. He got

that leave that poor man alone. He got like nine or 10 jobs.

So bottom line, when it comes to Donald

So bottom line, when it comes to Donald

So bottom line, when it comes to Donald Trump, there's no you in us. And once

Trump, there's no you in us. And once

Trump, there's no you in us. And once you understand that, things will go a

you understand that, things will go a

you understand that, things will go a lot better for us. And by us, I mean

lot better for us. And by us, I mean

lot better for us. And by us, I mean Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to

Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to

Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to say is that unfortunately, we're all in

say is that unfortunately, we're all in

say is that unfortunately, we're all in his hands.

>> Look at it.